The Deadman Scrolls

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Sounds like you could use a much needed break after all that. Go ahead, enjoy yourself, and relax. You're all done and now you can just hope for the best, in that case I'm sure you did just fine. :)
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
From the wonderful world of Deadman Wonderland, I wish every single one of you a happy New Year and I hope that all of us will make some progress in our war against our demons:D!
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Well, if I didn't have a justifiable reason to feel hideous, now I do. My mother just got done explaining to me about how what I wear isn't fashionable and that I need to change. She says that being fashionable will make females attracted to me and want to talk to me, that, if I'm fashionable, I'm magically going to get the courage to approach girls:rolleyes:. I'm supposed to feel better about myself when I'm in fashion, even though I don't know what it is. I'm supposed to study what the guys around me are wearing, but I can't find it within myself to do it and I don't know what I'm looking for. That's why I wear black, blue, and white since they all go with each other. I prefer wearing graphic tees because I feel sorta cool in them, but oh well! Apparently, "myself" isn't attractive, so I become "someone else" to be attractive.

Wait! ......Do you hear that? That's the sound of my self-esteem going down the drain! .....Well, what was left of it anyway:rolleyes:. Should I go and disappear off of the face of the planet now?

On another note, my mother and I may be shy, but, contrary to her belief, we are completely different from each other!
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
I wear basically nothing but black metal shirts and black shorts, and I've had interested women. I say just wear whatever you want and you'll be fine. :)
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
in regent street and leicester square

Fashion is fickle.

Develop your own style, clothes than express who you are. Then you'll attract people interested in "you" rather than the latest "someone else" sales con.
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
Well in my opinion, fashion is something you're comfortable with, if you wear something that doesn't reflect yourself, I don't think its supposed to make you feel better. I can relate to you, my mom and I are completely different as well, though both of us are shy.
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Haha, thanks you guys! The things that I want to do and the stuff that I enjoy just isn't supported by my family. I think they want me to be like my siblings, out talking with people and being in relationships. They just don't see or refuse to realize that I...... well, let's just say that I believe the day that I enter a relationship is the day that pigs sprout wings and fly and that Armageddon falls unto Earth. I don't have faith in my attractiveness or my capabilities in being a boyfriend.

Well, today, was a combination of WTF, Fail, and Win. The toilet got clogged up real recently and the people came by this morning to fix it. I mean, I'm extremely elated that they showed up, and I mean real~ly elated, but I didn't think they'd show up so early! They showed up at like 8:45 a.m. or something, but I'd better stop complaining::p:! I failed when I went out to go withdraw some money and forgot my debit card! I thought that I had lost it, but I had just left it on my desk, like the idiot that I am:rolleyes:! Ah well! They still let me withdraw anyway! But that meant I had to make extra trips to my dorm to drop off stuff! But, unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to go to the library today and drop these books off! Now, I've got to wait until tomorrow and let more money pile up on this fine! And, finally, somebody made me feel weird today. I was walking to the store when I caught sight of this girl. She and I looked each other in the eye; I, being myself, looked confused and raised an eyebrow, trying to figure out what was going on. But, she...... she looked at me like she was staring at a piece of meat! It felt like she was undressing me with her eyes and imagining having sex with me with no intent of hiding those dreams from me! She even licked her lips:eek:! I've never been checked out before, but, if that's what it is, then I'd rather be ignored by girls. Oh, I've never felt that awkward before. Then again, I may just be imagining things!

Well, classes are tomorrow and I only have to go to one class, because my English class is cancelled this week:D!
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
The things that I want to do and the stuff that I enjoy just isn't supported by my family.
Oh, I hear you loud and clear here. Sorry to hear that. Your parents should realise that your interests are what they are and they're not going to change any time soon.

I believe the day that I enter a relationship is the day that ... Armageddon falls unto Earth.
Hey, that's under a year away. You're in luck. :)

And, finally, somebody made me feel weird today. I was walking to the store when I caught sight of this girl. She and I looked each other in the eye; I, being myself, looked confused and raised an eyebrow, trying to figure out what was going on. But, she...... she looked at me like she was staring at a piece of meat! It felt like she was undressing me with her eyes and imagining having sex with me with no intent of hiding those dreams from me! She even licked her lips:eek:! I've never been checked out before, but, if that's what it is, then I'd rather be ignored by girls. Oh, I've never felt that awkward before. Then again, I may just be imagining things!
That's very obvious if that's what was happening. Maybe she did like you. Poor Deadman...you could've initiated something with her if you wanted to. Or it could've been nothing. You'll never know.
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Well, today, I officially became the person I hate the most and probably the mean, quiet, unapproachable, "too good for us" person in Literature class. I was sitting next to the air conditioner reading and it was hot in the class (it was a coincidence). The other students in the class were complaining about the heat, which irritated me a bit. After a while, a girl got up and went to the air conditioner, which was right behind me, to get it to work; incidentally, she got all in my "space". She noticed that and apologized for it, but the only thing I did was keep quiet and keep reading my book:mad:! I already had a dark atmosphere around me and, with all of that combined, I think I may have made myself into the mean person in class. I didn't mean to be quiet; I don't know what came over me! I guess it was because I was already irritated, but I think I would have done the same thing, even if I were calm. Why is it that I freeze up around girls?! Why can't I say anything to them?! Why do I avoid them?! Why am I so afraid of them?!

Well, anyway, I went to my friend and talked to him about it. A long story short is that now he's involved in this war against my SA and my probable gynophobia, or caligynephobia rather. He wants me to talk to the people around me and make friends with my neighbors. As simple as that sounds, I find that to be truly difficult. I can't talk with people; there are so many faux pases that I'm committing apparently. Who wants to talk with someone like that? Anyway, I guess I'll try. I'm almost absolutely sure that I'm going to have to revisit the therapist's office. Well, I'll set up an appointment this week. We wants to turn me into the person that I am on here basically. He thinks that there are women out there that look at me, are attracted to me, and that want to be my boyfriend:rolleyes:, just like everyone else. What can I do to prove them wrong? No girl wants anything to do with me, will ever want anything to do with me, and the one who thinks she does has a very twisted mind concerning. I'm not fit to be a boyfriend. Even if I were, on the extremely rare chance that I do, the relationship will die soon after. I can't do anything for her, so what kind of boyfriend would I be? So, SPW, I ask you: do you think that the person I am on here, the "real Deadman", could be a capable and worthy boyfriend who can keep the love alive? Do you think that any woman alive would like me and desire me, that I'm a worthy enough person for a girlfriend and love?
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
Well, today, I officially became the person I hate the most and probably the mean, quiet, unapproachable, "too good for us" person in Literature class. I was sitting next to the air conditioner reading and it was hot in the class (it was a coincidence). The other students in the class were complaining about the heat, which irritated me a bit. After a while, a girl got up and went to the air conditioner, which was right behind me, to get it to work; incidentally, she got all in my "space". She noticed that and apologized for it, but the only thing I did was keep quiet and keep reading my book:mad:! I already had a dark atmosphere around me and, with all of that combined, I think I may have made myself into the mean person in class. I didn't mean to be quiet; I don't know what came over me! I guess it was because I was already irritated, but I think I would have done the same thing, even if I were calm. Why is it that I freeze up around girls?! Why can't I say anything to them?! Why do I avoid them?! Why am I so afraid of them?!

Well, anyway, I went to my friend and talked to him about it. A long story short is that now he's involved in this war against my SA and my probable gynophobia, or caligynephobia rather. He wants me to talk to the people around me and make friends with my neighbors. As simple as that sounds, I find that to be truly difficult. I can't talk with people; there are so many faux pases that I'm committing apparently. Who wants to talk with someone like that? Anyway, I guess I'll try. I'm almost absolutely sure that I'm going to have to revisit the therapist's office. Well, I'll set up an appointment this week. We wants to turn me into the person that I am on here basically. He thinks that there are women out there that look at me, are attracted to me, and that want to be my boyfriend:rolleyes:, just like everyone else. What can I do to prove them wrong? No girl wants anything to do with me, will ever want anything to do with me, and the one who thinks she does has a very twisted mind concerning. I'm not fit to be a boyfriend. Even if I were, on the extremely rare chance that I do, the relationship will die soon after. I can't do anything for her, so what kind of boyfriend would I be? So, SPW, I ask you: do you think that the person I am on here, the "real Deadman", could be a capable and worthy boyfriend who can keep the love alive? Do you think that any woman alive would like me and desire me, that I'm a worthy enough person for a girlfriend and love?

Everyone has different point of view and I'm not an expert when it comes to relationships myself but I have to judge from how you act here I'd say you'd make an excellent boyfriend. Relationships always aren't as much about doing as relating to each other. Maybe you can try to casually talk to girls first, be comfortable around them so you can realize that they're normal people just like guys. Relationships are important but try to make friends first. One step at a time of course. Its just my thought though, good luck with seeing the therapist, I hope it helps you :)
 
:rolleyes: I'm going to beat you with that book you're reading! DM you listen to me, any girl would be lucky to have you. There is no reason whatsoever why it it would not go your way. In fact you'd probably be better at being a bf than most guys, suffering from SA has made you more self aware than other guys. You are not thoughtless and you are sensitive to other people, you wouldn't go stomping around on somebody elses feelings. Im going to need a bigger book :p
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Oh, you guys *coughgirlscough*! Especially you Jewel, threatening to hurt me! You might instill that within me, but you might knock out everything else::p:!

Well, on to the entry. Captain Idiot here just bombed a test! The bad thing about it is that points aren't recoverable, at least that's what my teacher said. What an idiot I am! I want to take my head and ram it into a wall until I've made an imprint in the infernal thing! But, what I will do is try to keep up next time and actually study and read.

Another thing, girls tend to treat me very nicely, when they aren't usually ignoring me. I can't have girls doing that to me. I'm an idiot, so I'll take their kindness the wrong way and think that they are attracted to me. I know they aren't, so I don't want them "playing" with my heart. I speak of this because I've met a new girl in my Creative Writing class. She's really nice and pretty and she seems to be interested in me. She and I were set up to be partners for this assignment and she wanted to know about my life and my thoughts. I want to believe that she's interested in me, but I know that can't be the case. It started like this last time and it'll probably end the same way as well. I can't have girls playing with my emotions, bringing my hopes up and sending them crashing to the ground; it hurts too much and my self-esteem can't take it.
 
I'm a bit unclear on the situation. I think it's 2 things? 1) That you've been paired up to do an assignment and 2) You like the girl you've been paired up with? Is that right?
____________________________________________________________
Regarding the whole low self-esteem thing:

I can't have girls playing with my emotions, bringing my hopes up and sending them crashing to the ground; it hurts too much and my self-esteem can't take it.

If you only ever attach your self-esteem to how you perceive others to perceive you and you only ever perceive others to perceive you badly you will never have anything but low self esteem. That goes for everyone who reads this.

-> If you define your self esteem by what others think of you
-> And you only perceive others to see you in a negative light
-> How can you ever hope to improve your self-esteem?


Self esteem is made up of thoughts and what beliefs you hold about yourself. Low self esteem effects the way you feel and thus the way you react to situations and thus the way you behave in situations and thus effects the beliefs you hold about yourself. You can increase your self esteem by changing your thoughts.



I'm going to CBT this.

SITUATION:
Being paired up with a girl on an assignment for creative writing.


REACTION:
I want to believe that she's interested in me........but I know that can't be the case


BELIEF:

I'm an idiot, so I'll take their kindness the wrong way and think that they are attracted to me. I know they aren't, so I don't want them "playing" with my heart....I want to believe that she's interested in me, but


I'm not sure about all the ins and outs of the situation.

But one thing I am clear on is that you need to get your self esteem up and break your thought process and train your brain.


Some ways to improve self esteem:

1) Set your self a challenge that you can realistically achieve. Then when you do it, post about it and accept our praise

2) Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at.


3) Use CBT to identify situations, reactions and Behaviours and see the connection between your thoughts. A situation->how that makes you feel(your reaction)-> how that makes you behave->Your underlying belief. Google Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for more info.


Oh and good morning btw :)
 
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DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Well, for one thing, no one reads this except you and me, so we're completely alone, here in the Dead Sea:). But, you're right. I can admit that much at least. My self-esteem is dependent on others; I've lost value in myself, therefore I depend on others to shine some light on that value. Positive qualities? Don't think I've got any. That's why I'm trying to make one. I'm working on my writing and trying to help people on here, but I'm convinced that my writing sucks and that I make no sense on here. I've asked my writing teacher to be completely honest with me about any problems in my writing so I can get better and have confidence in my writing. It'll take a while and some more of me tripping up, but I'll get there. Eventually.

Oh, and about that girl? We can forget about it, for multiple reasons. Nothing happened. As usual:rolleyes:. Today, she was cold to me as things usually go in that situation. One wonders why I get my hopes up in the first place. Eh, who cares. I apparently have a great personality, but either I'm too cold or there's something revolting about me physically. That personality won't do me any good if I've got no one that wants to be around me. It's partly my fault, or all my fault, so I'll take my share of it. But, that means I can't complain, doesn't it:)? So Jewel? Go get that book. I'm going to need it.

Sorry for being so depressing. I just acknowledged an ugly part of me. I hate that it's a part of me, but it is me. Without it, I'm not 'Deadman". I'll just have to beat it!

Oh, and for some happy news! I wrote an excerpt of one of my stories as an assignment for Creative Writing. My teacher had some problems with it, but she said that she would love to see me continue writing:D! I've just got to describe things some more is the general problem, but, you see, I do that in writing and in speech as well! I just tell the facts and that's it; I never tell people my opinion because A.) it has nothing to do with what they asked and B.) I don't like telling people my opinion, partly because I don't think that it's important.

It took me so long to answer because I wanted to see what "she" would do. .......And I just saw something disturbing and somewhat sickening on TV. I need brain bleach. Now.

P.S. This is my depression talking, not "me".
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
*sigh* I'm a little ashamed looking at my previous posts. I shouldn't be that depressed. Ever. Well, I've moved forward and got a little spring in my step:)!

Well, today was a combination of win and fail. My Creative Writing class went wonderfully today! I had to write an assignment and have people peer review it; I had written, for the assignment, a story I had just started. I was afraid of how it would turn out, but my group members seemed to have loved it! They kept complimenting me on my writing and my plot and everything else about the story. I didn't know how to react, so I said a simple "Thank you" and started getting all shy (I think I even blushed a bit::eek::). We really started to get into a conversation about our high school lives and I could talk easier than most times! I even mentioned the story of how I told my Government/Economics class that I was an alien here to dominate the world::p:! Well, I don't know what to think. No one's ever complimented me really, except for my family, and especially about my hobby, writing. I'm at a loss for words. I was told by the only female in the group that I didn't need to be shy around them, but I'm usually shy around girls. Which brings me to my thought for the day. Why am I so scared and nervous around girls? I mean, I've had pleasurable experiences with them (not like that::eek::!); in fact, most girls that I interact with are really nice to me. So, there should be no reason for me to fear them, right? Yet why do I? Also, why are girls so nice to me? It's confusing.

I failed today because I went to go buy something to eat and, when I got into line to pay and gave the cashier my wallet instead of my card! She then started to play with me and held my wallet and told the other cashiers that I had given her my wallet. Usually I would be embarrassed, but, I didn't feel much of anything (my voice was still quiet though). I eventually got my my wallet back and returned home. While it was hailing. It still is. Unfortunately, I still have to go back out there. I'm not looking forward to this.
 

Shyangel

Well-known member
That's all great news, Deadman!! ^.^ I've always thought you seemed like a great writer that goes as no surprise to me. It sounds like you really let loose and ad a good time I hope you can keep that up, it feels nice after awhile of self seclusion. Something I know about.
About the girls being so nice to you thing: As a female I can tell you I take particular interest in guys who are quiet and seem shy. I think it's sweet and I think a lot of other girls do to. Us women also like to make guys feel good about themselves and it's easier with a shy guy. It boost our self esteem. Women love feeling like they have an impact on a guy, so that could have something to do with it. And of course your just a great likable guy and you may bring that kindness out of others.
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
Hello my dear journal! Have you missed me::p:?

Well, things have been up and down since I last posted. I took some heavy hits to the heart and I got an ingrown toenail. The thing's not completely gone, but it doesn't hurt as much (although my toe is starting to look nasty though::eek::). I'll try to clean it up though. Aside from that, I've had a somewhat good life recently.

Things are looking up on my novel which I've named Excellion Edge (corny, I know). I'm kinda scared to do this, but, if anyone wants to read some things that I've written, I'll post them up here and you all can give me your opinion. But, on to something else for now.

I was in Creative Writing class today and we went outside. The girl that was previously mentioned in my last post was sitting right beside me. When it came time for me to read my paper, she asked me to start at the last paragraph, which was basically about the main character Janus being confused about his feelings for a girl named Autumn. Anyway, past that, she decided to ask her friend to take some pictures of her and included me in them as well. She leaned into my shoulder and the picture was taken. The girl then asked me if I wanted to take some pictures with her after class was out and I agreed. I had a couple of pictures taken of me with both the girl and her friend. The people walking by must have thought we were weirdos or something:rolleyes:. Good thing I was wearing some shades:cool:! And I got complimented by the both of them on how I look; they told me that we were a "family". Considering that, in her story, the boyfriend of the main character shares the same name that I do, I would guess that she really likes me, but maybe I'm just imagining things.
 
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