Tortured by something incredibly stupid

[Kiwong]

This is the absolute best advice. The thing is, when you do this most of the time that is when you end up finding someone. I have only had 2 serious relationships in my life. Both have come when I wasn't expecting them or looking for them. For that matter both of them also came when I was occupied doing things that made me happy.

Yes I agree, when you open yourself up to life the unexpected can happen. A relationship could be one outcome, but not the only one, the friends you make and the things you achieve for yourself and others are other outcomes.

 

[A friend]

Hello,

Well, u say that u need substitude for LOVE or eliminate the need for it.

Substitude for love can be anything what infill u the most. Do you find it what that is?
If u did then will be good to focus on this. Do things wich u like the most. Jump,sing, swimm go parties with frends, make vacations with family as u said. Focus, focus,focus.

I can say you are all helping me much more than the people on yahoo.com

And those are all great ideas.

Eliminate need for love?This is impossible, u cant destroy natural feeling. U can get use to it be with out love and take it loneliness like part of you. But eliminate is too strong word, i dont believe is possible eliminate so strong feeling.

If people could invent vehicles that can fly and stuff that can go into space, then I can eliminate the need for love.

And if that feeling isn't focused on anyone in particular, than how is it strong?

I thank you for your effort to help me, but seriously, after 326 attempts, it's a solid fact that true love is only a fantasy, not a non-fictional miracle.

What if love will come to you alone?In the time what we expect the most less actually come something unpredictable and we are wondering how that happend. Pressing on to find love and seek for it sometimes actually is opposite of that what we desperately wish having. Actually ignorance and not carrying so much about it can help come to victory not always but a lot of people what actually was giving up and not focusing thinking round round and trying fighting for impossible was from one second changed on the most possible thing on the world.

I know well why u prefer better end the need for love. But i think is just not possible, only possibility is accept this like your apart and time will heal it. But need will be always in the air thats u will be not a human. Your need will disspapear if u will be old maybe but not like a young healthy man. U can only be active and just let your thoughts focus in diffrent way. U will have to fight anyway but not for love for other things. Isnt happiness with out suffering.

I too dont want fight with anxiety and everyday i must and i dont want to fight, i just wanna live free. Feel free,feel wind in my hair and enjoy it with out fear being outside. I can say i want milion of times and my wish with out focusing and fighting will never come true.

I'm glad that you're trying to help me, but I have a question...Did you fight that hard to get something (which involved hundreds of tries in the process), and did you finally obtain it?

 

[Liam17]

In the same boat man.

Never had a girlfriend, never done nothing etc. It is depressing, and it's on my mind a lot.

 

[Hastings & Main]

sooo...the idea is to focus mostly on what I enjoy doing, and do what I can to focus my energy and thoughts in those areas?

Focus on this, love may find you when you're not actively searching it out - like the last image in a hidden-object picture-puzzle, you go crazy trying to seek it out. You find it when you stop trying so hard.

Eliminating love isn't possible: it's part of being an animal, a human. Same advice as above.

Remember, billions of words have been written about not having found love, in stories, poetry, and song (mostly soft rock and country): you're far from the first, and you're among many here, right now.

Forty years with one girlfriend/lover, 6-7 months. The rest of those years swimming different tides in love's indifference. Will she find me?
Sure, why not?

Plenty of others have found love in the forms of friends and relatives, and honestly don't (seem) to need anything more. One woman named Judy Small
has recorded a couple albums stating this. I think these people are rare, though. And I'm certainly not one of them.

Kiwong and DespairSoul said it best before me, though.

 

[JamesSmith]

IF love exists, it won't happen from killing yourself trying to find it. It will just happen when you are comfortable with where you are in life and comfortable with who you are as a person. I don't know if love exists, but if it does, then that is how it works.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Same boat. Except I'm a girl and people keep telling me it's easy for girls to find a date.


Lies.

Amen to that.

 

[eternalnewb]

Hi A friend in need,
I am in a similar situation, never had a boyfriend, been on a couple dates but never been in love. It used to completely occupy my thoughts and I was always stressing about finding love. I can see how it could drive someone to the edge. I have come to a point in my life where I am able to accept the fact that there just might not be someone out there for me. I still hope that I will fall in love one day, but I'm determined that I wont go crazy searching for it.
It is really hard to stop thinking about it though. I put a lot of my energy into my work at a job I love. I also have a dog and a parrot who take up a lot of my free time. I guess my suggestion would be to try and keep busy so that you don't have time to dwell on what you don't have.
Good luck

 

[StrandedTangle]

Hi; I have to agree with Hastings & Main and JamesSmith. Stop trying so hard. You have to be comfortable with who you are first. Work that out and you will be far more open to something presenting itself and being able to deal with it when it does.

 

[JamesSmith]

A friend in need, another thing you need to realize is guys like us, guys with Social Anxiety, we are at the bottom of the barrel in the dating world. Let me show you the rank of the type of people who have it easiest for getting dates. #1=the people who have it easiest getting dates. #7=the people who have it hardest getting dates.

#1. Attractive women who aren't shy
#2. Average women who aren't shy
#3. Attractive women who are shy
#4. Outgoing men
#5. Average women who are shy
#6. Average men
#7. Shy men (looks don't matter much if you don't talk and are a male)

We fall into that last category. I was being nice when I said shy, because it's even worse if you are like me and have full blown Social Anxiety Disorder. Even if you do happen to hit on women and overcome your SA, there are so many women out there who can't relate with you cuz they are outgoing. Think about it: they have the option of hundreds of other men that they can talk to easier and are comfortable with. Why would they pick the shy one who struggles to communicate with people? These women that you tried to get with saw that you were shy, and they weren't attracted to that, and knew they had better communication-type options. No, all women aren't like this, but many are, because most women are outgoing, and an outgoing woman is going to want something similar to herself. "Love is the recognition of your soul's counterpart," as I quoted in a different post.

 

[A friend]

Thanks for being nice, friendly people. You all really helped me a lot.

 

[Shin273]

Well first off, what's torturing you isn't stupid at all. Everyone wants love on some level or the other. Love drives people crazy, it makes us do things that sane people wouldn't do. However, before you go about pursuing love, you need to make sure that you're ready for it.

What I mean by "being ready for it," is that you can't go out looking for love and expect it to be perfect.

I recently met someone who had been blamed for a crime he didn't commit. As a result of this, he was pulled from high school, sent to juvie, and lost all of his chances at an ivy league school (which were substantial considering his intelligence). He has spent the past few years in an emotional trauma, going through dozens of friends and girlfriends and rejecting them in the fear that they would hurt him. He is looking for the "perfect girl" to solve his emotional turmoil, even though he doesn't admit it.

I am not drawing a parallel between him and you, but I just wanted to illustrate the point that perhaps you need to take time to figure yourself out before you can find a relationship. The guy I described expected love to solve all of his problems. Before anyone can find love, however, they need to understand that love is not the end-all to all of our issues. I know that there are many people on here (myself included) that are looking for a relationship and haven't been successful with one. I do believe that for us to be successful we need to cope with our inner demons to an extent. It may be hard and a daunting process, but this is what will allow us all to be successful.

Moreover, doing things that give you pleasure (hobbies, sports, etc) are ways that you can release from your SA and focus on making yourself happy. People are naturally more attracted to individuals that are happy with themselves. By immersing yourself in activities that distract you from your lack of a love life, you may end up increasing your chances to attain said love life. Like everyone before me, take time to develop your interests more.

Don't give up a friend in need, I know that you will find that love eventually.

 

[A friend]

Eh, yesterday I found out that I'm actually not ready for that thing yet, and the latest topic/thread I made kinda proves that...

 

[Overload]

I'm not sure if anyone else already said this. I don't feel like reading through the previous pages.

Stop searching for love. Let it find you.

Cliche? Perhaps, but it's the truth. At least I think so.

 

[AutonomousAutomaton]

You can try to do fulfilling things outside of having a relationship. Like having good friends or writing poetry. And if you really do want a relationship (I don't know if you've tried this) you could try a dating site.

 

[Minty]

I'm not sure if anyone else already said this. I don't feel like reading through the previous pages.

Stop searching for love. Let it find you.

Cliche? Perhaps, but it's the truth. At least I think so.

Not good advice for the home-bound agoraphobics. Pretty sure love isn't going to break into their homes to snatch them up.

 

[Pookah]

Pretty sure love isn't going to break into their homes to snatch them up.

Haha I wish!

Well that might be a bit scary actually.

 

[userremoved]

Well all I can say is work on dealing with your anxiety or whatever other disorders you may have. That's the main thing that's gonna make someone like us unattractive to the opposite sex. The majority of the people on this forum are both attractive and have great personalities, but yet they're dateless too. See the connection here? It's not because it's impossible for you or anyone else, but to be frank, it would take a very understanding, mature, and loving person to accept us as we are, problems and all.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

You have to learn to love yourself before anyone else will love you. If you wouldn't date yourself long term, then why would anyone else want to do that. You've got to open yourself up to get love, you need a big open heart and only you can open it up. If you feel any bitterness toward yourself or others, then you are going to be walking solo until you can overcome the bitterness. These are some pretty simple ideas, but they are important, and if it takes 20 or 30 years to gain what you need for someone to love you, then it's still worth it. For once you have reached the goal then you have spiritually and mentally grown, and this is our purpose of being here on the earth.

 

[lurknomore]

I don't think it's stupid... I myself am starting to wonder whether I should (or if I even could) accept my life the way it currently is- as a loner, and quit worrying about even trying to connect with people on any deep level.

 

[A friend]

You can try to do fulfilling things outside of having a relationship. Like having good friends or writing poetry. And if you really do want a relationship (I don't know if you've tried this) you could try a dating site.

Dating sites aren't really a good idea...There was one kid on youtube who did something like that, and his internet girlfriend turned out to be a 42-year old weirdo.

One of my friends got pictures from the 42-year old's email (which was also the account that person was using to impersonate the girl he claimed to be), and...

So, I wouldn't try dating someone on an online dating site, cause the woman I'd meet on there could probably end up being a dangerous/incredibly violent psycho or something, and...yeah.

Well all I can say is work on dealing with your anxiety or whatever other disorders you may have. That's the main thing that's gonna make someone like us unattractive to the opposite sex. The majority of the people on this forum are both attractive and have great personalities, but yet they're dateless too. See the connection here? It's not because it's impossible for you or anyone else, but to be frank, it would take a very understanding, mature, and loving person to accept us as we are, problems and all.

Well, the last few days, I figured out that arguements (even the minor ones) caused me more stress than I thought they would...So dating probably may end up causing some nasty damage to me...Are relationships like that? Are they really one arguement per day, and stress for the entire length of it?