Depressed because you're single?

Feathers said:

Well said, Pips.

Abertos, I could detect some 'throwing all eggs into one basket' there too... it would be really MUCH easier to talk if you say 'some women' and 'some men' are this and that...

And rewarding what? Shallowness? Wasn't sure what was the point?
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Well if you say so,but what I wanted to say is that the whole spectrum that you find in men,you will also find in women,I wasnt trying to make any point,but will expand a bit what I meant well people reward a lot of cheaters,people who generaly dont go around doing good stuff,I wont say anymore because people tend to not agree with me,but heh just lets wait and see what humanity will turn like,just hope it isnt in my lifetime,but it already started.

Aron said:

I can get very depressed just by thinking about how I haven't been and will never be able to experience love. Sometimes I think "oh well, I don't need that", but that's just a lie. Happiness is only real when shared. Sure, a relationship is not all happiness and joy, there are bad times. But to not even experience it once, that just makes me sad, really sad.

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I'm right there with ya... Funny all the cliches people tell ya, over and over... You know like: "it will happen when you least expect it" or "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else".
Funny thing is the last few shrinks I have seen, have tried to get me out of the house to find ANY woman to be friends with... Not dating, just female friend's... My sadness comes from being alone, and single. I hate doing things alone. All my family and friends have partners, and they no longer have room in their lives for me, as a result I am the odd man out. Kind of like three's a crowd... Been on about 5 dates my entire life, going to be 43 in August... Going to school full time trying to become a nurse, and surrounded by allot of very beautiful young women, but even there nobody has time for an old fart like me... Humans are meant to be with others, it is the way our brains are engineered.

"I'm only happy when I'm in my misery, it's cool to hate." - The Offspring

Theme song of a loner.
YouTube - ‪The Offspring - Cool to Hate‬‏

No one heard of this song?
YouTube - ‪Diana King- Shy Guy‬‏

doubleM said:

so my question is what do you do with those feelings? are you supposed to ignore the fact that youre alone and people treat you like garbage?

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Aha! You recognize your feelings, you want to change them. Step 1 + 2 done. Very good. Have a think about this.

1. Don't believe you can predict the future, the past is not an indication. If anything, you can shape a worse future for yourself by thinking that way.

2. Be aware of how you cherry-pick information to support your opinions, that's been a big problem in this thread. If you believe something very strongly, it'll end up being all you see. Anything that contradicts it will be discarded. People have bad relationships, then they find a good one. People get heartbroken but have much happiness before it happens. People lose love, then find it again. Etc. Your experiences do not overrule those of everybody else.

3. Catch yourself when you only see the worst. Sometimes you'll win, sometimes you'll lose. Try not to exaggerate setbacks or negative comments. Picture how Joe Average would see the same thing.

4. Life is almost always a grey area. Good things can come of bad. Maybe what you think is bad or good isn't clearly so.

There is one question that I want to ask in this thread...

Just how bad is heartbreak exactly? (I haven't felt anything like that in the past)

It's like depression getting depression. But the good times hit you just as hard.

Well, this is a question that a lot of people on this forum are probably asking themselves (I'll ask this for them by request):

Is having a romantic relationship with someone of the opposite gender worth it (despite all the negative risks that it has attached to it)? Or should it be frowned upon and loathed by society (and avoided like the plague)?

^ Love is a drug to almost everyone except people like you and me. They crave it, they'll do almost anything to get that feeling of accepted-ness or whatever. We don't need that. It's as simple as that. People in relationships are simply addicts.

And that means no, correct?

Heartbreak is going home and curling up in a foetal position under the desk and crying for hours with not a soul to listen.
Heartbreak is driving down a street wanting the world to swallow you up.
Heartbreak is thinking that if someone says no, they will be nice about it, but they are anything but.
Heartbreak is facing rejection again and again and again, even though you know your love was unrequited

That is my experience of heartbreak.

I think having a relationship with someone of the opposite gender could be worth it, if you are lucky enough to be with the right person. I think you need be to open to all possibilities in life for that to happen, and be able to trust enough to consider it. I don't trust anymore.

I'm not getting hurt anyomore, and I'm in a position to ask, would I be better off in a relationship, does what isn't broken need fixing? I answer no to that.

fitftw said:

^ Love is a drug to almost everyone except people like you and me. They crave it, they'll do almost anything to get that feeling of accepted-ness or whatever. We don't need that. It's as simple as that. People in relationships are simply addicts.

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There is something called Schizoid Personality Disorder, where people genuinely do not feel the need for others, but I'm seeing no evidence for anything like that. What I'm seeing is some people who have been very hurt, who have seen others getting what they wanted, who have been unable to make the connection.

And they've given up on having anything like that in their own lives, they've gotten angry at the unfairness of it all, they've convinced themselves it's a good thing so they can cope. It may become so deep-seated that they try to convince others, or reject others themselves to maintain their beliefs, or pride themselves for what once was so upsetting. They may describe other's success with derogatory language. They may ignore other's happiness and remember only other's failures. They may imprint their own emotions over other's, to ensure that those who appear blissful are secretly unhappy or destined for failure. They may even reject romantic opportunities, expecting failure, to maintain their own illusion.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Mickery said:

It doesn't have to be that way.

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I didn't say it does. Nobody's perfect. I'm sure you have issues too, or else you wouldn't be on this forum. My issue just happens to be with love and the people who trick themselves and end up heartbroken.

They say "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I say that's statement of denial. If you don't love at all, you can never lose anything. That is the way to be. That is the essence of Buddhism. Detachment from all things because ALL THINGS = SUFFERING. Don't take this to mean I don't love anything. I love my hedgehog, my car, my keytar. I do not love humans.

Mickery said:

There is something called Schizoid Personality Disorder, where people genuinely do not feel the need for others, but I'm seeing no evidence for anything like that. What I'm seeing is some people who have been very hurt, who have seen others getting what they wanted, who have been unable to make the connection.

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I don't want to sound stupid, but what do you mean by connection?

Mickery said:

And they've given up on having anything like that in their own lives,

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I don't want to start an arguement or any conflict of that nature, but trying and hoping for the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

I understand that nobody on this forum has perfect health (mental/emotional), although I do know that most people here are smart enough to know that they can't go ahead and play God in order to recieve what they want.

Nobody gets everything they want in their lives, they might get most of what they want, but they can't have everything.

Regardless of having SA or not, obtaining romance is affected by something completely different, something most people on this forum don't know how to operate.

When people give up on this sort of thing, that means they're refusing to let it dominate their lives, they realize that its pointless to try to obtain something that isn't going to benefit them in any possible way.

Mickery said:

they've gotten angry at the unfairness of it all,

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To be honest, I really don't think its unfair for people not to have something like that in their lives. Something like romantic love is completely unstable, it can't be determined whether it will be a happy experience, or something incredibly atrocious.

I think their anger is directed at love itself, not the people who have it in their lives.

Mickery said:

they've convinced themselves it's a good thing so they can cope. It may become so deep-seated that they try to convince others, or reject others themselves to maintain their beliefs, or pride themselves for what once was so upsetting.

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Is there something better than being grateful for what you already have?

Mickery said:

They may ignore other's happiness and remember only other's failures. They may imprint their own emotions over other's, to ensure that those who appear blissful are secretly unhappy or destined for failure.

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A lot of negativity can be generated from seeing and hearing about hundreds of people getting emotionally damaged beyond repair.

Mickery said:

They may even reject romantic opportunities, expecting failure, to maintain their own illusion.

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What do you mean by illusion?

my boyfriend and i just recently broke up like a week ago and i don't feel depressed yet. i know that i have alot of issues with myself that i need to work out before i'm with someone else because i tend to damage all of my close relationships with everyone. i know i need to make myself happy instead of depending on someone else for my happiness. the only time i really get depressed when i'm single is when i think about what i had when i was in a relationship and the closeness and affection. being single isn't a bad thing though

being single is a lifestyle choice for me. Being in a relationship is nothing but an unnecessary exertion of time, effort, money, willpower to not stray, commitment and faith in your partner, etc etc the list is all con's and 2 or 3 pro's which are sex and cuddling. Ooohhh wow, big deal. I'm not against being with a woman as long as she knows we're not together. Like someone who doesn't need anything from me ever, and cooks and cleans.

i have never kissed a guy, never even held hands, i have never even gone on a date. when i tell people this, they look at me like i am weird. some people try to 'set me up', which makes me panic, because this usually results in an awkward social situation. i asked someone why guys don't even look my way, and they told me 'you are not ugly, you are just weird.' i am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

Katipia said:

i have never kissed a guy, never even held hands, i have never even gone on a date. when i tell people this, they look at me like i am weird. some people try to 'set me up', which makes me panic, because this usually results in an awkward social situation. i asked someone why guys don't even look my way, and they told me 'you are not ugly, you are just weird.' i am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

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Being "weird" is definetly a good thing (in my opinion). And who cares what they think. I have a guy friend who is definetly attractive (I can say this without being gay), in college (He's 19 if I remember correctly), great personality, very interesting, and just an amazing and interesting person.
But he's never gone on a date or kissed a person. It just means you havent found the right person.