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Old 05-29-2017
lifesnotfair's Avatar
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I am 35 years old, and i feel like such a failure. I am the only guy that has not had a girlfriend, never dated, I have anxiety so disabling i can't work or meet new people. I really want to die because i can't talk about it with anyone, because i don't want to bother then with my problems. I am so tired of living, that i have given up. I am very worried i am going to die alone, and i fear if i don't find someone in my life by 40 i am definitely going to die alone.
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Old 05-29-2017
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I feel like I am a failure in life as well. I try as best as I can but it just is never enough to make that big of a difference. I wonder what will become of me in the near future. Sometimes I even ask myself if it is worth sticking around to see how all of this will play out. It's all very confusing and depressing.
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Old 05-30-2017
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Man, I feel the same way. I mean I've had girlfriends before but only a couple of non serious ones. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in life either. I'm having trouble getting a good job and getting girls. I've been trying and the constant rejection has been really discouraging.

Whatever happens though just keep at it, whatever it is you're working on. And maybe talk to someone you know. I know that sounds cliche.
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Old 05-30-2017
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Probably most males here havenīt had a great deal of relationships, myself included. It could be due to lack of interest, mal intent, lack of ability, low self-esteem or other reasons.

I went out with a woman a long time ago and she ended it, and I thank her for it. Success with women can strongly assess your level as a human being. Do you work hard, are you intelligent, brave, caring...? If some of these areas are lacking it will probably show in your life.

So, right now I am working on myself to change that. I don't give relationships that much importance due to the fact that I am not convinced they make you happy. However, I believe working on the other aspects of life that I see are provoking it generally would.
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Old 05-30-2017
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I feel very similarly. I'm 34, never had a girlfriend and I don't think I ever will. In many ways I still feel miles behind most people my age; I don't drive, I work part-time cleaning jobs, I live with my Dad, I'm unattractive and don't put much effort into my appearance, I have very little social confidence and even less relationship experience, and I don't travel much either. I generally stay at home and live a solitary life.

But here are some thoughts that comfort me, and might help you too;

Firstly, everyone's fate is the same; we all end up 6 feet under, whatever life we've led. So I try not to compare myself with others. Forget other people. I really believe you're only job is to do your best and just live your life. Set yourself goals that are meaningful to you and achievable and enjoy the challenge and f*** the haters.

And secondly, I think gratitude is an absolute necessity. No matter what your situation, you can turn it into a positive and you can find things to be grateful for. It could always be worse.

I can relate to your problem of wanting to talk to someone but not wanting to bother them with your problems. It's a tough one. There are places online, like 7cups.com where you can talk to volunteer listeners for free. (although, even there I still feel like a burden!). There's also muttr.com which is a good place to vent, without reserve. But at the end of the day, I tend to figure that we're all alone in life. It's just one of those hard facts about existence, so I just have to find a way to deal with my problems myself, then consider any help from others as a bonus.

Taking care to think positive, truthful and fair thoughts too is another thing that's helped me. It takes time, but little by little things can change.
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Old 05-31-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arjuna View Post
Do you work hard, are you intelligent, brave, caring...?
What I should point out is that probably only the first of these aspects is something that can really be changed. You probably cannot become intelligent if you are not (which sucks for me, as I'm the opposite of intelligent.) Bravery perhaps can be learned. But caring? Not sure if that can learned.

And man, as someone who used to offer hope in these parts to loser underachievers, I feel you are succumbing to the idea that certain "metrics" determine your value to society and by extension, to women.

Again, I'll state that good college credentials, stable career/income are not required to be attractive. It helps, but you don't literally need those things. I would even go far enough to say that a social network isn't required either.

I think the most important thing is to "like yourself" even if you're an incredible loser, living at home in his 30s. If you're capable of that, you can probably attract women. Confidence opens the door to everything. The thing is, you don't always have to back that up with amazing accomplishments or "keeping up with the Jones"... that's the belief system of fools (as in, those status-obsessed morons that make life miserable for everyone.)
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Old 05-31-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronson99 View Post
What I should point out is that probably only the first of these aspects is something that can really be changed. You probably cannot become intelligent if you are not (which sucks for me, as I'm the opposite of intelligent.) Bravery perhaps can be learned. But caring? Not sure if that can learned.

And man, as someone who used to offer hope in these parts to loser underachievers, I feel you are succumbing to the idea that certain "metrics" determine your value to society and by extension, to women.

Again, I'll state that good college credentials, stable career/income are not required to be attractive. It helps, but you don't literally need those things. I would even go far enough to say that a social network isn't required either.

I think the most important thing is to "like yourself" even if you're an incredible loser, living at home in his 30s. If you're capable of that, you can probably attract women. Confidence opens the door to everything. The thing is, you don't always have to back that up with amazing accomplishments or "keeping up with the Jones"... that's the belief system of fools (as in, those status-obsessed morons that make life miserable for everyone.)
I think you can learn to be more caring. Its something im working on right now tbh. Im not an affectionate person but im figuring out that most people require it. I dont even feel natural when petting animals lol. Im like "ok i patted your head twice, now its time for you to leave dog".
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Old 05-31-2017
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I've always felt like an ultimate failure, even when i wasn't. So now that i am, it barely makes any difference tbh.
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Old 05-31-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lifesnotfair View Post
I really want to die because i can't talk about it with anyone, because i don't want to bother then with my problems.
This is exactly the time when you should be talking to someone. I see you live in Canada. Don't they have free healthcare there? Can't you reach out to a mental health professional?

And you won't be bothering anyone (family, friends, doctors) by talking to them about your issues, unless they happen to be heartless *******s. Swallow your pride and the awkwardness of dumping your problems verbally to someone and you'll be surprised how good it feels to do so, and most likely how supportive others can be.
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Old 05-31-2017
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As Miserum said, the original poster and anyone who feels like him should seek professional help. (These deep rooted problems can't really be fixed by us talking to you and you magically becoming better.)

Sometimes it doesn't always work out first time around. E.g. I saw a psychiatrist for depression a long time ago but gave up seeing him because I didn't find it useful. This was before I realised SA was the underlying cause of the depression.

I only realised I had SA when I was 33. Since then I went through 1 counsellor who suggested I see a psychologist. Saw a psychologist, she was good but I relapsed after our sessions. Found another one and she was probably slightly better but again I relapsed. It wasn't till I did a group therapy session run by an awesome clinical psychologist that I have started to really feel like I've made progress. So it's definitely never too late. Don't give up on life

Edit: the real progress I found was doing the behavioural experiments that gave me confidence and evidence that my thinking was faulty. I feel you need to challenge your negative thoughts, list the worst that could happen, do the experiment, see if the worst thing did happen, and even if it did, who cares / I'll handle it.
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Old 05-31-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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That's great advice, Glenrowan.
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Old 06-01-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megaten View Post
I think you can learn to be more caring. Its something im working on right now tbh. Im not an affectionate person but im figuring out that most people require it. I dont even feel natural when petting animals lol. Im like "ok i patted your head twice, now its time for you to leave dog".
I hope so, man. I still have a great deal of trouble with reciprocity and "social obligation," seemingly have very little drive to perform either one.
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Old 06-02-2017
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You got some good advice here, I agree that maybe it's time to seek professional help, while keeping in mind that not all professionals are good at what they do or knows what is best for you, so you may also want to do your own research about your anxiety and how to overcome it. It's time to be pro-active. As Arjuna and Bronson put it, maybe it's time for you to get some self-confidence rather than a friend or a girlfriend. You can argue that a girlfriend would give you self-confidence, but first, not necessarly, and second, you should look for a way to get self confidence that doesn't depend on someone else.

Now if you would excuse me to sound cold and practical, you need a plan.

Example of plan:

1- Make research on your anxiety, what caused it, how it affects your body physically. Understanding the origin or your anxiety and what th anxiety does to your brain and your entire system will help you to take a step back and look at yourself more objectively.

2- Now that you understand yourself and the origin of your issue a little more, seek professional help.

3- Take care of yourself and your body (real food, fresh air and exercice). This will diminish your anxiety because you will feel better.

4- Embark on a mission to boost your self confidence and self-esteem. It's like a video game but in real life. You need to take action and do stuff to raise your self-esteem level. You need to become proud of yourself. And to do so, it's very important that you do this to impress yourself, not anyone else. For now, if it's good enough for you, it's good enough. Ideas: Learn new skills, start working out or doing a non-team sport (climbing, running, yoga are sports that can bring you a sense of self-worth because you're only in competition with yourself), do volunteer work in a place with people who needs help. Never forget that everyone sucks at first, you will become better with time, patience and commitment.

5- If you want to meet people, subscribe to classes or group activities.

While doing this, one step at a time:

Never give yourself the option to bail on anything because of your anxiety ever again. The worst that will happen is that you will make a fool of yourself. Take it as part of the game.

Never dwell on past memories.
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Old 06-11-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miserum View Post
I see you live in Canada. Don't they have free healthcare there? Can't you reach out to a mental health professional?
We have public health care. I wouldn't exactly call it free. It's paid for by our taxes instead of insurance premiums. And not all health services are covered. Often mental health professionals aren't.
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Old 06-11-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pacific_Loner View Post
5- If you want to meet people, subscribe to classes or group activities.
I've always hated this advice. I think if you're joining some sort of group or class, you should be doing it because you want to. If you happen to get to know someone, great. But if you're doing it just to meet people, you're kind of in it for the wrong reasons. I hate trying to meet people. It just seems forced and awkward. I'd rather just let things happen naturally. If I don't meet anyone new just by chance, then fine.
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Old 06-15-2017
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Originally Posted by awkwardamanda View Post
I've always hated this advice. I think if you're joining some sort of group or class, you should be doing it because you want to. If you happen to get to know someone, great. But if you're doing it just to meet people, you're kind of in it for the wrong reasons. I hate trying to meet people. It just seems forced and awkward. I'd rather just let things happen naturally. If I don't meet anyone new just by chance, then fine.
Hah, I kind of agree. In fact, I hate group activities. I never joined any. Especially not to meet people. But I give this advice as an end that justifies the mean. When you're so lonely that it starts to eat you from the inside and you don't know how to break this loneliness, joining group activities is a good way because it's full of forced, awkward people who are there to meet people because they are lonely as well. The chances are you won't necessarily get along with most people in the group, but it may click with one or two people.
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Old 06-15-2017
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Originally Posted by Pacific_Loner View Post
Hah, I kind of agree. In fact, I hate group activities. I never joined any. Especially not to meet people. But I give this advice as an end that justifies the mean. When you're so lonely that it starts to eat you from the inside and you don't know how to break this loneliness, joining group activities is a good way because it's full of forced, awkward people who are there to meet people because they are lonely as well. The chances are you won't necessarily get along with most people in the group, but it may click with one or two people.
I think that MIGHT be true . it might be a group full of lost people...and yes, THAT can get awkward. lol


I think some people in the world really just need a light-house who can help guide them in. like a shepard looking out for the flock, so to speak. ...we all get lost sometimes...personally, Iv found that when I have to be strong for other people its really makes me feel fulfilled. makes me feel like I'm making a difference or something. sorry of that sounds corny. lol


..its hard to articulate but I hope you all understand where i coming from . try not to over-analyze it or over-judge it.
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Old 06-15-2017
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^In fact I didn't necessarily mean it in the desperate kind of way. I think these groups contain all kind of loneliness. I never joined such groups but I've known people who did. They were foreign students, people who just broke up with their girlfriend/boyfriend, people who wants to practice a particular activity but don't know anyone who wants to do it with them, and people who just somehow love to meet new people. But in the end they are all kind of lonely and looking for new friends. So as much as I personnally would never join such group even if you paid me, I think it's still possible to make friends in there.
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Old 07-13-2017
 

I'm 29 years old, never dated or had a girlfriend. I have a "first class honours" degree in physics with published work in a journal, yet I can't get a job. All of my friends had children or moved away for work so I have no social life either. Meetup is a waste of time and full of freaks. I'm basically forced into 24/7 isolation and my only escape is to go for a run.

If I could go back to high school and take up those offers of a girlfriend I would do it right now.
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Old 07-15-2017
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You don't need a girlfriend.

A man that doesn't have a girlfriend isn't a failure.

The word failure implies that he should have a girlfriend, and nobody should have to have anything.

Your problem is you think you need a signficant other. You don't need a significant other.

Truth is many of us die alone. Even the "cool" people that have tons of g/fs.

Even if you do die with your lover by your side, that death will only be one day.

Why feel bad about that one day you're going to die? I personally don't get it.

My advice to you is to go to a retirement home and you will see what your later years are going to look like. It's a real reality check and may help you realize how freaking meaningless finding a girl is.

I mean have you even considered that even if you found someone THEY may die before you?

Another thing you can do is grade how you feel right after masturbating. Seriously.

You won't care about having a g/f.

That same feeling is the feeling you have after finishing with a girl.

Society has pounded into your head that "you better get status or you must be a loser."

It's all a bunch of shaming!

They want you to keep feeding the system.

What these people don't tell you is how many of them are miserable.

Look at the divorce rate. 50%. That's 50% of marriages that were miserable. Then there are even MORE marriages that are in shambles.

Yeah....society doesn't like to tell you the truth. That MOST relationships go in heartbreak and/or end in heartbreak.
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