Ultimate failure in life.

[cappatown420]

Having relationships is a must for your happiness. Having had no friends and only 2 bad boyfriends and I am very lonely and not happy with having no relationships other than family. Family got smaller after my father unexpectantly died.

Seeing the OP post how he feels like a failure in his mid 30s terrifies me. I already have this feeling still being in my 20s and am scared shitless about turning 30. I feel like I have failed as well, I am late doing everything, driving, getting a car, getting a bad job, etc. I have no education other than public schooling and so peers my age already have a good job, education, house, kids; and what do I do? Live with my mother and play video games to keep me happy.

Even online video games it's hard to make relationships, I usually get my voice made fun of so I play solo. Although communication in games make it easier and more fun.

OP I hope you find some happiness.

 

[Bronson99]

Seeing the OP post how he feels like a failure in his mid 30s terrifies me. I already have this feeling still being in my 20s and am scared shitless about turning 30. I feel like I have failed as well, I am late doing everything, driving, getting a car, getting a bad job, etc. I have no education other than public schooling and so peers my age already have a good job, education, house, kids; and what do I do? Live with my mother and play video games to keep me happy.

I relate to this more than I would like to, and like the OP, I am in my 30s now.

I try to keep quiet about this stuff in message boards, except maybe relevant threads like this one. Being truly honest about a pathetic life situation has gotten ire or perhaps "righteous anger" directed at me before.

But I'll repeat again, since my last message here was not answered, what can a "lesser-abled" guy do to acquire relationships or intimacy? Is anyone willing to give a chance to a guy who cannot manage even himself?

 

[theslowesthand]

But I'll repeat again, since my last message here was not answered, what can a "lesser-abled" guy do to acquire relationships or intimacy? Is anyone willing to give a chance to a guy who cannot manage even himself?

For basic physical intimacy, there's always the not-so-cheap option of seeing a prostitute. For me personally, it wasn't worth the money & didn't make my life any better. But for you it may be different. :question:
Thinking about it now, i'd rather have a "girlfriend experience" (escort?), as it's more about psychological intimacy. That's sth i shall have to make a mental note of. Maybe that could suit me??? :question: (but i wouldn't have a clue where to find them advertised).
That's all i've got, concerning your question. I'm in the same boat, and haven't clue about what to do about it. I wonder if i asked therapist, what she would say. So far she's given me no hints about what to do, when the topic of me being single has cropped up; maybe i need to ask her directly what i can do?; but the thing is i'm "comfortable" with the status quo (& having regular unmet needs) .. i'm just so used to not getting what i need or crave...

 

[cappatown420]

I relate to this more than I would like to, and like the OP, I am in my 30s now.

I try to keep quiet about this stuff in message boards, except maybe relevant threads like this one. Being truly honest about a pathetic life situation has gotten ire or perhaps "righteous anger" directed at me before.

But I'll repeat again, since my last message here was not answered, what can a "lesser-abled" guy do to acquire relationships or intimacy? Is anyone willing to give a chance to a guy who cannot manage even himself?

Honestly I don't know how to acquire relationships. My past ex's I met online, because I do not go out. I guess you meet people through jobs, friends, going out, which I do none of.

Maybe try some online meeting websites? Currently I am trying that, it's a gamer website to meet other gamers. It's nice to have online friends especially if you have none.

Maybe there are groups in your area you could go to?

 

[Bronson99]

For basic physical intimacy, there's always the not-so-cheap option of seeing a prostitute. For me personally, it wasn't worth the money & didn't make my life any better. But for you it may be different. :question:
Thinking about it now, i'd rather have a "girlfriend experience" (escort?), as it's more about psychological intimacy. That's sth i shall have to make a mental note of. Maybe that could suit me??? :question: (but i wouldn't have a clue where to find them advertised).

I was thinking that's the answer I would get: the payment option. I'm never too fond of that answer; by now, if I had a nickel for every time I got that answer online, I'd have a decent chunk of change! I'll just say that's not what I'm looking for, and for various reasons.

I don't blame you for making the suggestion, though, you're just giving your 2 cents, after all.

May I ask you this, though... do you tend to believe guys with low status (in other words, those of us truly constrained by social anxiety and possible developmental issues) have basically no options beside literally paying for affection/intimacy? Do you tend to see it as a black and white thing, where "functional men" have a chance; and non-functional men have no chance?

I used to see it this way myself. And often I still do. But a lot of folks tell me it's more complex than this, there are shades of grey in there.

That's all i've got, concerning your question. I'm in the same boat, and haven't clue about what to do about it. I wonder if i asked therapist, what she would say. So far she's given me no hints about what to do, when the topic of me being single has cropped up; maybe i need to ask her directly what i can do?; but the thing is i'm "comfortable" with the status quo (& having regular unmet needs) .. i'm just so used to not getting what i need or crave...

If you asked her, it would probably be optimistic in a glib way.

I cannot tell if folks who give optimistic advice about gettin' action or relationships, to guys like me, if they're doing so just to be polite or if they really do believe there is hope. Are there really nonfunctional guys, especially 30+, who are able to enter relationships?

 

[theslowesthand]

May I ask you this, though... do you tend to believe guys with low status (in other words, those of us truly constrained by social anxiety and possible developmental issues) have basically no options beside literally paying for affection/intimacy? Do you tend to see it as a black and white thing, where "functional men" have a chance; and non-functional men have no chance?

I used to see it this way myself. And often I still do. But a lot of folks tell me it's more complex than this, there are shades of grey in there.

...

I cannot tell if folks who give optimistic advice about gettin' action or relationships, to guys like me, if they're doing so just to be polite or if they really do believe there is hope. Are there really nonfunctional guys, especially 30+, who are able to enter relationships?

I can only speak for myself (i am non-functional in my own unique way, as are you). And to be entirely as accurate as i can be, i can neither be entirely optimistic nor entirely pessimistic, but necessarily in-between (ie grey, not black or white). So, for myself, up till now i have been 100% unsuccessful in forming a relationship with a woman. I don't know if my future is going to have the same results, but it's likely i'll have the same 100% lack of success - so i feel generally pessimistic, or quite pessimistic, but not 100% pessimistic, ie there's a tiny part of me that still feels optimistic (but that's not a very strong feeling, barely registers in fact, but it's there).
But i could be wrong about how optimistic i am (it's a hard thing to measure eh, as it's entirely subjective). Perhaps, in spite of 100% failure in the past, i might be thinking that 'i can improve in the future .. i can improve myself & my attractiveness to women .. i can get out there more', so maybe the pessimistic/optimistic ratio could be sth like 75%/25% (when the past failure/success ratio has been 100%/0%) :question:
I certainly do seem more pessimistic than optimistic though, that's for sure.
The big question is CAN I CHANGE???

 

[kuurt]

I am 35 years old, and i feel like such a failure. I am the only guy that has not had a girlfriend, never dated, I have anxiety so disabling i can't work or meet new people. I really want to die because i can't talk about it with anyone, because i don't want to bother then with my problems. I am so tired of living, that i have given up. I am very worried i am going to die alone, and i fear if i don't find someone in my life by 40 i am definitely going to die alone.

I'm also 35 and in the same boat. So I feel your pain. 40 is right around the corner and I feel like I need to do something now to change things, although I'm not sure what.

 

[Bronson99]

I can only speak for myself (i am non-functional in my own unique way, as are you). And to be entirely as accurate as i can be, i can neither be entirely optimistic nor entirely pessimistic, but necessarily in-between (ie grey, not black or white). So, for myself, up till now i have been 100% unsuccessful in forming a relationship with a woman. I don't know if my future is going to have the same results, but it's likely i'll have the same 100% lack of success - so i feel generally pessimistic, or quite pessimistic, but not 100% pessimistic, ie there's a tiny part of me that still feels optimistic (but that's not a very strong feeling, barely registers in fact, but it's there).

Well then if you have been 100% unsuccessful, may I ask.. what have you tried? if you just tried using "dating sites" off-and-on, I'd say that doesn't count. That's what I did, that's all I've tried really, and I neither did well nor did I enjoy the time spent.. it's just a boiled-down version of a nasty rat race, much like real life but concentrated in a way that you don't actually see in meatspace.

My honest impression is that if you're a man with SA or any kind of autism, forget about online dating altogether, it will be an extreme effort to find any kind of success at all. The only way success happens on those platforms is by proving you are a socially dynamic man with an active life; and if that's not your image, you either put in tons of effort to get the right pictures and fake it (which will not work if you meet any women), or you be yourself (awkward, which shows in pictures) and obviously that doesn't work either.

So you have to try in real life, somehow. Forget online, it's just a nasty competition among men to prove they are the "most active" or "highest status" and it's unwinnable if you're not a social person. And here I am telling you to try real life approaching women, when I have not done so myself, but that's the only way for guys like us.

I am telling you for a fact... I've researched this for a LONG time... socially awkward men literally have no chance of success online. Do not accept that lie, any time someone says "shy and awkward? online is your thing" it's not true, that's not how it works.

For men, online dating can be summed up in the phrase "social competition" that really says it all. It's demoralizing to even try these days, it's gotten ridiculous.

I certainly do seem more pessimistic than optimistic though, that's for sure.
The big question is CAN I CHANGE???

In which way, though? Is it implied here that you would have to become a functional person--career, social life, greater activity--to make the grade?

Do you mean change as in "change of mindset" so you feel less anxious and secure enough to meet women?

As a non-functional guy, I know it can't be the first, and so I wonder if the second--a fundamental improvement in confidence and psyche--if that will suffice in the absence of a life foundation. And I worry it won't.

 

[theslowesthand]

Well then if you have been 100% unsuccessful, may I ask.. what have you tried? if you just tried using "dating sites" off-and-on, I'd say that doesn't count.

I don't even know if it can be called "trying" as i've never put any effort into finding a woman, but i've just playing the waiting game (mainly in my past workplaces) & not tried to change who i am to attract them. Again, with dating sites, i joined a dozen or so of them in the past, but i was more interested in how the site operated than making a connection (ie that was "too boring" for me, i needed extra psychological stimulation - i think it's an aspergers thing).

So you have to try in real life, somehow

In real life, i was always to slow to pick up signals, too scared of rejection, not sure whether i want a girlfriend, and so on (hesitant & wishy-washy). All i've done is waited ... and waited ... and waited. I've never put any serious effort into trying to find a date. I guess i'm scared of what might happen, scared of the new people i'll meet, scared of the various demands/commitments.

So, since i haven't really tried, i guess that's why i am still a little hopeful or optimistic. But maybe that's just a delusion that i'm clinging to?

In which way, though? Is it implied here that you would have to become a functional person--career, social life, greater activity--to make the grade?

Do you mean change as in "change of mindset" so you feel less anxious and secure enough to meet women?

As a non-functional guy, I know it can't be the first, and so I wonder if the second--a fundamental improvement in confidence and psyche--if that will suffice in the absence of a life foundation. And I worry it won't.

I think i mean change of mindset mainly (as i doubt i can become much of a functioning person), and everything starts with the mind(set). But also changing in ways that are practical, such as personal hygene.