Why does everyone end up hating me?

[MsBuzzkillington]

This situation kind of reminds me of a guy who is in the group of friends I have. They all "hate" him. I mean they pick on him ALL THE TIME and they call him a jerk. They make fun of him a lot. It is really kind of terrible, I have stuck up for him if things get out of hand or anything.

I have talked to them about it and asked them why they are so mean to him. First of all, I don't really get why you would be friends with someone that bothers you, but oh well. They say he is a jerk and that he has a really rude sense of humor. Like sometimes he will say things he thinks are funny but they are rude or offensive or whatever and he just "doesn't get" that he is being rude. I haven't spent much time around him, but to me he seems like a really nice guy. They say he is a jerk though.

He is kind of "different" though, a bit hard to explain. Maybe you are like this guy. He is still nice and he still tries to be funny, but it comes off not like how he intends or thinks it is. I can't even really give a good example. It isn't about not being "good enough" or whatever. Maybe since I can't explain it, I shouldn't be posting heh.

Just wanted to say that I know someone who tries to be a nice and funny guy but he just rubs most people the wrong way. I still honestly think he is a good guy, just a bit socially clueless which I don't see as a bad thing, I don't know how to interact with people that well either.

I have told the guys in the group they should explain to him if he is crossing a line, since he doesn't seem to realize it. Or they should explain when he is doing something that just isn't right. They say they have but he just doesn't get it. Who knows really.

But, welcome to the forums. I am sure you are a nice person and you will make friends on here. People here are really nice and won't hate you.

 

[theslowesthand]

I am just starting to think that people just dont want to associate with people who they dont deem "good enough" based on superficial values - or there is not enough inclination to get to know someone better based on biases and prejudice of what kind of person someone thinks you are ... I dont know if my own attitude is the cause or the effect of constant rejection - all I know is that in my life - very very few people want anything to do with me more than acquaintance

That's always been the case with me as well.
And i think KiaKaka might be onto it - it may be more due not so much to things that you do (your actions/ways, or even personality), but could well be "deeper" things at play .. things that i certainly still cannot understand.

Basically i've found that
- certain personalities just "clash"
- people hate "wierdness" (& everyone has own version of)
- people in general population are very good at reading minds, & picking up vibes (so that can "scare them off" if one isn't 100% on-top-of all that)
- some people just have an immediate & unshakeable hatred for you upon first "meeting" (perhaps they focus on one thing they dislike, & it triggers associations, & hatred? i dunno)

Personally i now have "officially" GIVEN-UP on the public and people in general (& the thing called "society" that supposedly exists). I'm a logical guy, which is the only tool i have at my disposal, but with people that counts for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING .. as people are irrational, unfathomably-complex creatures, and i'm afraid WAY beyond my level of skill/intelliegence/capability.
(sorry bout this rant! hehe)

But YOU seem still to be in an "okay-ish" situation with people, maybe not GOOD, maybe a BIT BAD ... but NOT HOPELESS (like my situation).

So don't give up dude!!

 

[EmDash]

I don't know if anyone sees this thread anymore or anything but here goes I guess.. I met this insane guy who thinks a lot and has absolutely no empathy whatsoever. He thinks of terrible things that are hardcore taboo a lot and I'm not going to go into detail. He is online, I know nothing about him, I'd report him to the freaking police if I could. POINT IS. He is a very hard thinker, he thinks very logically, and emotionlessly. I mentioned to him at one point that I have this complex. This "I care about everyone else and not much about myself" complex and he said just about the same thing you guys say. Perhaps people are mad at you or reject you because you do that. I cannot understand that statement, how can anyone hate someone for loving them? I just don't get it. Anyone have any feedback on that one that would be appreciated.

 

[Richey]

That's always been the case with me as well.
And i think KiaKaka might be onto it - it may be more due not so much to things that you do (your actions/ways, or even personality), but could well be "deeper" things at play .. things that i certainly still cannot understand.

Basically i've found that
- certain personalities just "clash"
- people hate "wierdness" (& everyone has own version of)
- people in general population are very good at reading minds, & picking up vibes (so that can "scare them off" if one isn't 100% on-top-of all that)
- some people just have an immediate & unshakeable hatred for you upon first "meeting" (perhaps they focus on one thing they dislike, & it triggers associations, & hatred? i dunno)

Personally i now have "officially" GIVEN-UP on the public and people in general (& the thing called "society" that supposedly exists). I'm a logical guy, which is the only tool i have at my disposal, but with people that counts for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING .. as people are irrational, unfathomably-complex creatures, and i'm afraid WAY beyond my level of skill/intelliegence/capability.
(sorry bout this rant! hehe)

But YOU seem still to be in an "okay-ish" situation with people, maybe not GOOD, maybe a BIT BAD ... but NOT HOPELESS (like my situation).

So don't give up dude!!

Don't give up hope. In cliques it can often be the wrong environment to try and fit into, but there will be just as many times where you would fit into a clique, because everyone else is on the same level as you are. This has happened quite a few times for me.

For instance it is easy to fit into a group of trades people (building, garden, electrical, etc.) industries.

And its amazing how often you hear even bosses saying "Thank god the day is nearly over, we can go home". They are just like you, thinking similar things.

BUT there will be occasions where there is the TOUGH group of people who enjoying bullying people with deceptive conversation, (i have witnessed it a few times).

You don't get that problem at (as often) in an IT firm, which could be any sub industry of IT. Because most people are somewhat nerdy and neurotic so they have empathy on some level. The problem is that people may not be as open/expressive in that industry as people are in others.

Its all about finding a bunch of friends, or job environment that suits you. The best thing anyone can do is to not put-up with just any job environment because they need the money, people are better off investing the time into finding a new and more appropriate environment for them. which takes a bit of planning and research, right?! I mean, it won't just fall into peoples laps, although sometimes it does as well.

People do resist weirdness (lack empathy), keyword right there, big problem. Haven't learnt about variety of people yet or are too familliar with their own worlds. Can't see the forest for the trees. All those things.

I usually find it hard in a group of people who swear every second word and use heavy slang, which you usually get in a group of all males situation. I can handle it but i find it really unsettling for some reason. As i've always been friends with people who just talked normally and were on a similar level as me. I usually equate people who swear alot and slang as the types who will bully and could be threatening.

 

[Richey]

I have a similar issue. It seems like whenever I make a friend someone else comes into our group and my original friend ends up liking that other person better. Either that, or the person makes another friend and ends up chilling with them and liking them more. This **** has happened to me about 6 times in my life. Definitely one of the causes of my SA.

This has also happened to me alot. Because perhaps i am too nicey nice and not as jokey/sarcastic enough as other people, which is funny because inwardly i am sarcastic. Its even happened where my girlfriend preferred my friend and they started hanging out and would be more playful with each other and they took it further. I understood why they did that. Although i did stop talking to them because of it, so maybe that was the anger coming out for me. I just thought, "if you've both decided this is o.k." and to not even tell me, you aren't really people to call friends.

 

[EmDash]

I will be going to a mental health clinic to get diagnosed by a psychiatrist/therapist whatever. I'm pretty exited, it will be happening next month. I've been doing a lot of research. This new guy I was talking to on skype came back to hear me.. doing something.. I don't remember what. I think I might have been repeating what I was reading because I thought it was funny, looking back it was stupid and not funny at all, just weird phrases. He says passive agressively this: "Haha my autistic friend does that stuff" and I was like wait what, he said nothing and we went on about the conversation. But it got me thinking, I recently did a lot of research on autism.. and I'm terrified.. I am super super terrified, I match every single symptom, every one of them, to the core. I am 90% sure I have autism now, and not only is it the symptoms it's the descriptions of how people react to people with autism. Ugh this sucks. Hopefully they can help me.. they have to have some sort of medication for this crap.

Just updating with my thoughts.

 

[RaphielDrake]

I will be going to a mental health clinic to get diagnosed by a psychiatrist/therapist whatever. I'm pretty exited, it will be happening next month. I've been doing a lot of research. This new guy I was talking to on skype came back to hear me.. doing something.. I don't remember what. I think I might have been repeating what I was reading because I thought it was funny, looking back it was stupid and not funny at all, just weird phrases. He says passive agressively this: "Haha my autistic friend does that stuff" and I was like wait what, he said nothing and we went on about the conversation. But it got me thinking, I recently did a lot of research on autism.. and I'm terrified.. I am super super terrified, I match every single symptom, every one of them, to the core. I am 90% sure I have autism now, and not only is it the symptoms it's the descriptions of how people react to people with autism. Ugh this sucks. Hopefully they can help me.. they have to have some sort of medication for this crap.

Just updating with my thoughts.

I've got low level aspergers syndrome but the symptoms are negligable. Obsessive tendancies, mild social difficulties. That kind of thing. Its also given me an intellect far above average. I have very keen intuition and empathy. Two characteristics that are usually absent from anyone with the condition. I'm the exception that essentially proves the rule. When I met other people with my condition it... wasn't pretty. They were nothing like me, drooling retards basically. I don't know why I am the way I am. I've gained all the benefits from the condition but scarcely any of the drawbacks.

Point is, I'm not shoving my hand down my pants to the teletubbies and singing along. Maybe you do have autism but theres always the chance you're another exception.

 

[Lana Lang]

Pleasing people is a hard job so my only advice is please yourself and study yourself to be better. Dnt let other people's opinion mess your head coz they are here for a time and gone later but you, you will always be with you enjoy life by learning new stuff and you will fit in the right circle. love u and take care

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Perhaps it does have something to do with your personality or your background-- but more than likely, it is them.
People in general are self-conscious, I find.
Anything they don't like about someone they are 'friends' with is usually a reflection of their own insecurities as a person.

 

[coyote]

interacting with people is like a game of badminton

once you smack the birdie and it flies over the net to the other person, you have to wait for them to hit it back

when it comes back to you, you swing and whack it back over

give and take, back and forth

the fun is in keeping up the volley

if you just keep lobbing shot after shot after shot at the other person, or smack every lob right down their throat, or hit every birdie out of bounds so they have to run and fetch it, or miss everything that comes your way...

...well, then the game gets tiresome for the other player

and they find someone else who they are better matched with

 

[Minty]

It's not that I hate chameleons but I can tell they're not being genuine with me. I want to know someone for who they are, not a one-dimensional actor they think will please me. And then I start thinking paranoid thoughts like, "What are they hiding?"

One of the first experiences I had with rejection was with my friends in middle school. The entire group rejected me out of the blue and the friend I was closest with from that group one day started moaning about how boring I was and how she couldn't stand the sight of me. That year was tough. I was going through depression and being rejected added to that. But there was a part of me that looked at her and thought "**** you! I'm not changing!" And...I really didn't. A year later in high school she kept meeting me in the hall and saying hi and being really friendly. I could tell that the group had really turned her against me and she felt bad that she had adopted their view of me, because she genuinely liked me. But even though I would wave back, I never restarted a friendship with her. I didn't want to. I knew what she was about and I had other friends at that time who accepted all of my awkward shyness, so what was the point?

Find your people. No group is the same. There are literally people out there who do not own a hating bone in their body, no matter what you're like. Find them, be good to them, be caring and you will be set for life. And please BE REAL.

 

[Waybuloo]

Looks like these people whom you ask are trying at least not to hurt your feelings. You have to ask them again and really persist with it, telling them that you need know to become a better person. It is imperative.

 

[Venuserian]

I'm having the same issues i know this is totally weird googling this question but no one will tell me why they hate me so much, Reading everyone's comments i guess it's a personality issue for me, and i do have social anxiety,

 

[Sacrament]

I'm having the same issues i know this is totally weird googling this question but no one will tell me why they hate me so much, Reading everyone's comments i guess it's a personality issue for me, and i do have social anxiety,

Are you sure they hate you, or do you assume they hate you?

 

[lily]

So that's the question I've been asking myself since I was 10. I don't feel like people hate me, I know for sure. All my once closest friends litterally come right out and say they can't stand who I am or anything about me. I don't know why, I would be perfectly ok with it all if I could just figure out why they all dislike me so I can change that about myself. I've reverted into a state of chamelionism, pretty much changing my personality as best I can towards people who are likeable and easy to be around. However, no matter how hard I try it always ends up the same, the closer I get to someone the closer I get to that imminent implosion where they disconnect from me as their friend and hate me with a huge grudge that can only be explained by me doing something horrible and yet I don't even know what it is. If anyone can offer any suggestions I'll be monitoring this thread so I can ask and answer questions to help discover why I'm such a horrible person.. thanks..

Also this is my first post.. please don't judge me too much for how bland it looks x.x <3

No, I don't whine and moan about how bad life sucks even though I really do have a pretty ****ty life. When I mention things that come up because of the subject matter people are usually like "Wow, that really sucks dood" so I understand my life sucks but I don't feel like spreading that misery into other people for the sake of attention or pity.

As for the poster above you, that makes a lot of sense. I understand I can probably get really clingy and annoying at times, even though I haven't lost my father or mother I never really had one, I had to grow up in a drugged up abusive environment and was robbed of my childhood. Molested at 6 years old and never really got to talk to my mom much since she was always doing crack cocaine over the murder of my 6 year old brother and the trial that lasted 18 years about his murderer. I grew up in a pretty tough environment but I still manage to find joy and laughter every single day since I know it's all in the past now and the only way to keep things good is to stay positive and look towards the future. So I'm not really whiny about stuff like that and perhaps I actually do have some sort of emotional trauma associated with things like that. There are some things I didn't mention that are much worse but I don't really feel like doing so right now since it would probably make me cry lol.

Sorry to sound like a downer though.

Ok i underlined important things in your quote. i do not understand why your friends would say they cannot stand 'who you r' or 'anything about you'.. since you say that you're nice, caring, try to get people to laugh and don't bother others much w/ your issues, or etc. but you also said you can 'probably' get "really annoying and clingy 'at times' ".. so i think perhaps that's the issue. in what way r you probably really annoying and in what way, how r you clingy?

but wow this thread really encouraged me and is really for those who should really have gratitude for me calling up on their behavior towards me when it arises and discussing it rightfully. I'm the kind of person who does that and anyone who doesn't do it aren't worth your time. there's something to wonder about the person. but then it could be that they're just impatient and don't realize things but it's not that they're not nice at all but it's not for you. good luck, even if you're really annoying in any way or clingy and they're judging you, there r other people out there like you too and won't judge you and you're nice, etc so don't lose hope.

 

[grapevine]

I guess my two cents is that we tend to not like to be around others that lack security in themselves as it reminds us of our own insecurities.

People gravitate to those who build themselves up and have their own lives and passions and own security in themselves.

If people around you say things mean like that- even if they are being honest - I think its more about themselves - unless you are like someone pointed out very clingy and in their faces. But id think having SA you would likely be aware of that.

If people have told you such mean things- DO NOT BELIEVE IN THEM and Id emphasize that - because as soon as you do you will become the person that people don't like. Don't believe in what they say. Be yourself, find your passions and note that these people do not value you, find people that do.

When I went into society being out of it for some time- I researched and listened to audio books about communication and read about what people like in friends and so to get people to like you. The trick is to actively listen to them and make them feel special- remember things in their lives and really care and be interested in their lives. There is loads of information online worth checking out.

 

[mcpon14]

Per the titular question, because I am Joseph K from Franz Kafka's The Trial, and everybody is jumping on the bandwagon of the accusers, lol.

 

[onehandclapping]

I get this, except that its usually consistent passive aggression and people just being off with me. people never seem to confront me which makes it all the more difficult for me to understand why things go sour. people stop talking to me, I get ghosted, I get people avoiding talking to me. people stop wanting to hang out with me (despite me making loads of effort). I get a lot of random strangers looking at me with disgust as well.

 

[Kiwong]

At my worse I am not that great a person to be around. I am fruitier that a nut cake. I can understand why I might upset them or make them uncomfortable. My attitude can suck and I put people off.

So there is a side of me people don't like, and there is a side of me people love. With anxiety it is hard to let that good shine through, but it is worth making an effort.

 

[DanielLewis]

Do you hate yourself? People often will treat you how you see yourself because you will act in a way that reflects your beliefs. "As a man thinks, so is he."