Why do people keep saying these things?

[JamesSmith]

I've noticed that people throughout our lives have told us to "be more positive," "be yourself," or "don't change yourself for other people. You are fine the way you are."

Well, you know what, I'm not fine the way I am. I'm a 27 year old grown man, yet last night I cried like a little child. I've "been myself" around people, and you know what? Myself sucks. I'm severely quiet, and even my friends were bothered by it. Being myself has only brought me down. Now, I'm alone with nobody; no friends, no g/f, nothing.

Be more positive? Is that what you tell someone who is suffering from an illness? I think SAD is worse than many illnesses. For example, would you tell someone with a torn ACL to be more positive when they can't even walk? There's nothing to be positive about when you have nothing socially! That's what people don't get.

You should feel bad when things are going badly. If you lose a championship game, do you go around celebrating saying, "things will get better, everything's fine!" Of course not. It sucks, you lost a big game. It's okay to not be positive. You shouldn't be celebrating a crappy time in your life.

It looks like changing yourself for other people is the only way to go. Just doing what I've wanted to do has gotten me nowhere. I'm alone because I did what I wanted to do and what I was comfortable doing: being quiet and isolating myself. I'm tired of people telling me "it's okay to be shy, it's okay to be quiet." It's not! Why? Because it's stopped me from having personal relationships throughout my life, which is one of the top most important things in life besides having a home, food and water so you can survive.

Let's face it, you have to be someone else (be outgoing and socially aggressive) if you ever want to change your life. It's either that, or be a loser like I am right now.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

They say it because being happy with yourself and being able to love yourself and say '**** you!' to everything else in the world that makes you unhappy is probably ideally the best way to live.


It's hard to be positive, yeah but nothing is easy in life.
I have liver disease.
I will die soon.
I will never be able to drink alcohol or eat any risky food and there are alot of things I cannot do but being negative isn't going to help me at all-- if anything; being negative will definitely make me worse off than I already am.

Is that an understandable analogy?

 

[ilovenoodles]

This is what i've been struggling with for the last year and i see no other option then to change myself.

 

[cesgrandsyeux]

You'll regret changing yourself. I've constantly adapted to be consistent with how my friends and family have wanted me to be.
And then I found a few people who liked me when I was just being myself.
You're probably finding all the twats in life ;D

If you want to talk to me at any point, you can too

 

[JamesSmith]

They say it because being happy with yourself and being able to love yourself and say '**** you!' to everything else in the world that makes you unhappy is probably ideally the best way to live.


It's hard to be positive, yeah but nothing is easy in life.
I have liver disease.
I will die soon.
I will never be able to drink alcohol or eat any risky food and there are alot of things I cannot do but being negative isn't going to help me at all-- if anything; being negative will definitely make me worse off than I already am.

Is that an understandable analogy?

I wasn't saying being negative will help people. I was saying being positive has gotten me nowhere.

Being positive means nothing without action. Personally, I think I'm a great guy. I am positive about me, I think I'm an outstanding person. It's just that's gotten me nowhere. I never get to share who I am because of my anxiety. Positive thinking is meaningless.

I've believed things will get better, and they've only gotten worse. There are so many things I've been positive about, yet I've gone nowhere but down socially. If positive thinking was the solution, I'd have a million friends and a g/f, but instead, I have nothing.

What I'm saying is, I'm sick of hearing people telling me to be positive. I'm not saying we should be negative about everything, I'm just saying being positive is a myth as far as being a solution for SAD.

 

[JamesSmith]

You'll regret changing yourself. I've constantly adapted to be consistent with how my friends and family have wanted me to be.
And then I found a few people who liked me when I was just being myself.
You're probably finding all the twats in life ;D

If you want to talk to me at any point, you can too

It seems that changing myself is the only literal option left. I've tried the works: CBT, meds, therapists, counselors, talking to strangers, trying to hang out with friends for years......got nothing but frustration and isolation out of it.

My one option I have left is to change myself into an outgoing person, if that is even possible. Being shy has been hell for me socially. When I was with people, I hated it. I was bored, anxious, and never had anything to say.

I'm not finding all the twats in life, people are people. I'm the problem, not them. I've had different friends and had the same problem with all of them, I couldn't connect with them.

 

[Mickery]

You'll regret changing yourself. I've constantly adapted to be consistent with how my friends and family have wanted me to be.

There's a difference between changing to be happy with yourself and changing to be happy with others.

 

[kilojoule]

I wasn't saying being negative will help people. I was saying being positive has gotten me nowhere..

The bit that I debate is 'positive has gotten me nowhere' If I didn't try and be positive and look at the positives in life I would have offed myself a long time ago. Positivity has given me hope, hope has sustained me. If I couldn't be positive, I wouldn't be here, it's really that simple for me.

 

[cesgrandsyeux]

It seems that changing myself is the only literal option left. I've tried the works: CBT, meds, therapists, counselors, talking to strangers, trying to hang out with friends for years......got nothing but frustration and isolation out of it.

My one option I have left is to change myself into an outgoing person, if that is even possible. Being shy has been hell for me socially. When I was with people, I hated it. I was bored, anxious, and never had anything to say.

I'm not finding all the twats in life, people are people. I'm the problem, not them. I've had different friends and had the same problem with all of them, I couldn't connect with them.

What do you think it is about yourself that prevents compatibility with others?

 

[JamesSmith]

What do you think it is about yourself that prevents compatibility with others?

My social anxiety, shyness, whatever you want to call it. My introverted personality.

 

[JamesSmith]

The bit that I debate is 'positive has gotten me nowhere' If I didn't try and be positive and look at the positives in life I would have offed myself a long time ago. Positivity has given me hope, hope has sustained me. If I couldn't be positive, I wouldn't be here, it's really that simple for me.

Please what me rephrase what I meant, sometimes I make statements without properly explaining them.

I meant being positive has gotten me nowhere in my social life. Self-love and thinking I'm great hasn't gotten me anywhere.

 

[cesgrandsyeux]

My social anxiety, shyness, whatever you want to call it. My introverted personality.

Hmmm, so even when you get comfortable with someone, where it's past that period of 'awkwardness', that you still can't open up to them?

 

[JamesSmith]

Hmmm, so even when you get comfortable with someone, where it's past that period of 'awkwardness', that you still can't open up to them?

I don't get comfortable with most people. That's my problem.

 

[Kiwong]

Tuning more into postive thoughts has helped me. Tunning into negativity is destructive and is like giving up in my opinion.

The knee injury analogy. Well three years ago I was walking in pain, and it contributed greatly to my depression and panic disorder. I felt bad, I felt depressed no question. What did I do? I didn't give up. I saw a doctor and physio. They said I might run up to to 5km if I rebulit my quads. It took me three years, but I eventually rebuilt my knee, and now I am runnning half marathons.

The championship analogy. If I play badly at sport, I feel bad at first, but then there is immediately a hunger and burning desire to train harder. Then I look for another race for redemption. I don't wallow in my own self pity, and give up.

Feeling bad is natural. Then trying to do something about feeling bad, even if is to say eff you anxiety, eff you knee pain. Even if there is no guarantee of success. Anything else is just giving up.

Someone with an mental illness, you go to someone who might have answers to help you, a doctor a counsellor. You take away the advice they give you and work your butt to try and improve. You don't day I feel bad I give up.

 

[JamesSmith]

Someone with an mental illness, you go to someone who might have answers to help you, a doctor a counsellor. You take away the advice they give you and work your butt to try and improve. You don't day I feel bad I give up.

I've had at 5 different counselors and I have worse issues than I had before I talked to them.

 

[Silatuyok]

I think there is a huge difference between changing yourself, and learning those social skills that are necessary to live a life among others. I think the one thing that all of us lack is a natural ability to utilize those skills that most kids are learning and internalizing when they are about five years old. For some reason, we didn't catch on. Or, for some of us, we know the skills but there is a huge wall of anxiety that prevents us from acting upon them. But I think the main thing is not to want to change yourself, your personality and your beliefs, but rather to learn how to engage others and sustain relationships. Positivity certainly helps, but without the skills it doesn't mean much. I may think I'm great and that I can build a cathedral if I really put my mind to it, but unless I take the steps toward learning how, it's going to be a pretty sh***y looking cathedral.

 

[stevelee24]

I've noticed that people throughout our lives have told us to "be more positive," "be yourself," or "don't change yourself for other people. You are fine the way you are."

Well, you know what, I'm not fine the way I am. I'm a 27 year old grown man, yet last night I cried like a little child. I've "been myself" around people, and you know what? Myself sucks. I'm severely quiet, and even my friends were bothered by it. Being myself has only brought me down. Now, I'm alone with nobody; no friends, no g/f, nothing.

Be more positive? Is that what you tell someone who is suffering from an illness? I think SAD is worse than many illnesses. For example, would you tell someone with a torn ACL to be more positive when they can't even walk? There's nothing to be positive about when you have nothing socially! That's what people don't get.

You should feel bad when things are going badly. If you lose a championship game, do you go around celebrating saying, "things will get better, everything's fine!" Of course not. It sucks, you lost a big game. It's okay to not be positive. You shouldn't be celebrating a crappy time in your life.

It looks like changing yourself for other people is the only way to go. Just doing what I've wanted to do has gotten me nowhere. I'm alone because I did what I wanted to do and what I was comfortable doing: being quiet and isolating myself. I'm tired of people telling me "it's okay to be shy, it's okay to be quiet." It's not! Why? Because it's stopped me from having personal relationships throughout my life, which is one of the top most important things in life besides having a home, food and water so you can survive.

Let's face it, you have to be someone else (be outgoing and socially aggressive) if you ever want to change your life. It's either that, or be a loser like I am right now.

i agree with all that you are saying im 28 now and seems like im just getting worse i have nothing to live for, if i was dead i would not be missed i feel like theres nothing more i can do to change, ive tried everything nothing works im just like this its who i am. im trying to seek help but i dont think il change im starting to come to that realisation now

 

[Sora]

When I was with people, I hated it. I was bored, anxious, and never had anything to say.

I'm not finding all the twats in life, people are people. I'm the problem, not them. I've had different friends and had the same problem with all of them, I couldn't connect with them.

I am the same way around people and quite often I am alone, being in the house for 3 weeks now, only been outside to put things in the bin lol. Will be going out this weekend but anyways my point, you seem to be more of a loner, most people annoy you, they do me! You seem to be this way to me. Is this the case?

I know what you mean about connecting, except I have connected with some people though very few. Think about 3 in my entire life (face to face). I have connected with a few online but that's not really the same.

I know it seems hard and like you're alone but you're not there is people out there like you they are just really hard to find and that is because shy people tend not to go to social places like bars and things, some do but not often. I've noticed all the people that seem to be like me are online and that makes sense, because they are shy...behind a computer takes the shyness away. I've being contemplating how I can meet more people I can connect with and the only thing I have come up with is going to the library or geeky places like comic con and gamescon and what not. Don't really wanna go to any of them tbh but I feel like I might have to try at the moment.

Also no matter how much you try to change yourself you can't. At your core you will always be shy, you can drink alcohol and it will go away for a few hours but honestly you can't change yourself, you can convince others you are different but deep down your always going to feel that awkward feeling you get when you are around people. I've tried, I've failed! but if you can just be happy with yourself then you will do ok. It's lonely but you will find someone to connect with at some point! At least this is what I believe.

Being positive alone doesn't work no, but being positive and taking action does. It's just really hard for a shy person with problems such as shown here to do that. Have you tried to go meet women in cafes, bars, librarys, anywhere another shy girl might be, are you able to go up and talk to them without a problem? (not trying to be funny just trying to determine if the action part is the problem)

 

[JamesSmith]

i agree with all that you are saying im 28 now and seems like im just getting worse i have nothing to live for, if i was dead i would not be missed i feel like theres nothing more i can do to change, ive tried everything nothing works im just like this its who i am. im trying to seek help but i dont think il change im starting to come to that realisation now

That's the thing though. I don't want to accept this as who I am. I'm tired of being "the shy guy who never talks." So many people define me as that, even my friends. I'm so much more than that deep inside, and I usually am not able to let my real personality out.

A huge problem with many of us, not just me, is that we are given a label (something along the lines of that we are quiet and shy) and it totally turns people off of talking to us. It's bad enough that I have a horrendous time trying to walk up to people and starting conversations, but then you have to add to that all the people that see me as a shy person and decide not to try to talk to me.

Btw, people would miss you if you were dead. I'm assuming you have a family or somebody who knows you well enough, and they'd be crushed if you weren't around anymore.

The thing is, I'm okay with people calling me shy. What I'm not okay with is people calling me shy and then not talking to me. I want to find a balance. I want to be known as the guy who people like talking to, not the guy people avoid being around. I want others to want to talk to me.

I've heard rumors that I'm known as a good person by my friends and other people who know me. That's great, but that's not enough. I want these people to talk to me, i want to connect with them like they connect with other people.

 

[Hamelech]

Being positive should be about trusting in one's capacities in a sensible moderated way, not about acting like life were all beer and Skittles like a naive, to affront problems calmly instead letting pessimism making us wrecking before we get started. People usually don't get this, for them this concept is more about the way one acts among the others, than about how to face the unasked obligation of surviving at any cost. Moreover, they say things like that because it sucks listening to whinger's little problems all the time, due to our inevitable selfish nature, so every time somebody complaints about whatever is subtly censured this way, by being encouraged to be more positive and blah blah, when they're actually telling to him: "Get lost, I don't give a **** about you", but they don't say it directly because of their socially adquired good manners (hypocrisy).