Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

[UnOccupied]

Wanna know whats weird about me? I have been in a situation numerous times where i know a girl likes me and wants to see me. But, i get so scared of messing it up, or having her think im a weirdo that i just completely avoid and ignore them. And, the few times when they get close to me when my guard is down, i just make it veeeeery awkward, and end up messing up, because i am caught so off guard.

Right now, there is a girl who likes me, and i am trying to let her in, but am having a lot of trouble. The weird part about this situation, is that i have liked her for over three years, and we finally got a chance to talk, and now i am extremely nervous, and anxious about talking to her.

I actually did tell her how i felt one night(when i was drinking), and i forgot what she said

 

[Honda]

^ Girls know that guys put an effort to ask as girl out and such... Some of them give guys a chance or make the way easier for them to walk in and say the word... I dont care if i look stupid, dumb, naive, get rejected, etc... The next day its like nothing happened but I am love shy and find it really difficult to ask as girl out especially if i dont know her that well... I feel like the older i get the more hesitant i become..

 

[XRenato]

But what if the girl has let you know her feelings and intentions..say in a card or letter that she'd like to get to know you better and that she could tell you liked her too..why would you say not interetsed but then still stare from afar almost daily, watch when she comes and goes all the time, hang out where she is, **sigh** (very deeply) with your head down when she walks by you, if you say you can't do it or not interested....WHY??????


Its so confusing and very painful when they guy does that!!!!!

Sometimes this happens to me. I feel happy when girls does that. But also I feel unhappy because I don't want her to know that I don't have some qualities girls wants from a man. That is, self confident, experienced, lots of friends, beauty, money, travels and the like. I don't want her to know that I am trembling, nervous, anxious, heart beating. This is a weakness I don't want her to discover, c'os she might lose her interest on me. I fear that if she gets to know me better she might leave and don't want me anymore. That's why me and most love shy men get stuck when some beautifull girl we fell attracted to show us some interest. So I prefer to stand close to her just watching her look at me and thinking I want her (and I really want, but I just can't go for it). And this is sad because in the end she goes away thinking I don't want her.

 

[TooShyShy]

XRenato thank you for your response. i just sent you a private message

 

[Diend]

"Love-shy" men may want to make sure she is the One before he shows affection. He wants to make sure he's not making a mistake. You see, he's a careful guy so even if he likes her a lot, he'll only express the feelings if he plans on marrying her.

 

[Sial Axetder]

"Love-shy" men may want to make sure she is the One before he shows affection. He wants to make sure he's not making a mistake. You see, he's a careful guy so even if he likes her a lot, he'll only express the feelings if he plans on marrying her.

Where is this from? How do you know? Not saying incorrect or correct.

I agree with the careful and not wanting to make mistake. Rejection, not wanted. Rejection, dare not show emotion. Rejection, it won't happen. Back to my drink.

 

[panicsurvivor]

BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID.
It is that simple.

 

[Sial Axetder]

BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID.
It is that simple.

Another agreement.

Terrible thing to live in fear. Makes one want and able to do things. What things? I don't need to say, do I? End.

 

[Honda]

You gotta know to accept your faults and do what i takes to get women.. Women like to see some power in a guy... A shy hesitant guy is usually not a choice for females..
Sitting on the side a watching other progress in life is not a pleasant thing, might as well take action and start studying you situation and know what to do about it and eventually do something about it.. We are all different but 1 thing is common which is the fact that effort is needed to get things achieved.
My advise is to understand the situation you are in and develop a better understanding of the world, people and yourself...
Check this audio book by a guy called "Carlos Xuma" called "The Secrets of the Alpha Man".. Even though the name sounds absurd yet its not a book about how to chase chicks like a retarded cave man and get laid even though it offers some kind of insight about that which i find somehow silly.
It is showing you that its natural to find it difficult to approach females and focuses on many aspects on life and how to be an efficient, calculative, productive and a non-egoistic or noble person that is accepted as a role model or the so called alpha man as he says.
I didnt buy the idea of this book 1st as i find it a stupid thing to acquire and waste time with such stuff but it actually enlightens you further about life and how you should deal with it and make the best of it..

 

[UnOccupied]

You gotta know to accept your faults and do what i takes to get women.. Women like to see some power in a guy... A shy hesitant guy is usually not a choice for females..
Sitting on the side a watching other progress in life is not a pleasant thing, might as well take action and start studying you situation and know what to do about it and eventually do something about it.. We are all different but 1 thing is common which is the fact that effort is needed to get things achieved.
My advise is to understand the situation you are in and develop a better understanding of the world, people and yourself...
Check this audio book by a guy called "Carlos Xuma" called "The Secrets of the Alpha Man".. Even though the name sounds absurd yet its not a book about how to chase chicks like a retarded cave man and get laid even though it offers some kind of insight about that which i find somehow silly.
It is showing you that its natural to find it difficult to approach females and focuses on many aspects on life and how to be an efficient, calculative, productive and a non-egoistic or noble person that is accepted as a role model or the so called alpha man as he says.
I didnt buy the idea of this book 1st as i find it a stupid thing to acquire and waste time with such stuff but it actually enlightens you further about life and how you should deal with it and make the best of it..

Do you think that book is worth listening to for a socially anxious person? My anxiety is rooted in the fact that i think of myself of a dominant male figure and that everyone hates me because of this, and thinks i am such a douche for every word i say. Do you think this book would maybe just strengthen those negative beliefs about myself?

Or, do you think it would help me with approaching girls i want to? Because thats all i really want. I don't care if i get rejected. Truth is, 99% of girls out there would probably say yes to me, im just scared to ask them out, because i don't want to have to deal with the anxiety of being on the date.

 

[Sial Axetder]

You gotta know to accept your faults and do what i takes to get women.. Women like to see some power in a guy... A shy hesitant guy is usually not a choice for females..
Sitting on the side a watching other progress in life is not a pleasant thing, might as well take action and start studying you situation and know what to do about it and eventually do something about it.. We are all different but 1 thing is common which is the fact that effort is needed to get things achieved.
My advise is to understand the situation you are in and develop a better understanding of the world, people and yourself...
Check this audio book by a guy called "Carlos Xuma" called "The Secrets of the Alpha Man".. Even though the name sounds absurd yet its not a book about how to chase chicks like a retarded cave man and get laid even though it offers some kind of insight about that which i find somehow silly.
It is showing you that its natural to find it difficult to approach females and focuses on many aspects on life and how to be an efficient, calculative, productive and a non-egoistic or noble person that is accepted as a role model or the so called alpha man as he says.
I didnt buy the idea of this book 1st as i find it a stupid thing to acquire and waste time with such stuff but it actually enlightens you further about life and how you should deal with it and make the best of it..

You are correct. Alpha man/male. Absurd. Cannot shake it. Reminds of something I see, have seen. Centre of attention, loud. Always must be the One. An annoyance. Shove something, something pick into the neck. Disregard for silence. Silenced.

^ was told those feelings are AvPD? Would never do a thing. Think it only.

That out of the way. We'll see.

 

[Seasons]

Well, I like a guy who is considerably more shy than me. And as much as I try I can not understand what he wants from me. I told him I liked him but he seems to block that information from reaching his brain or something. So he doesn't say that he likes me back but he also doesn't say that we should just be friends. So he keeps me close and having absolutely no clue.
I don't think that's fair to me but I am unable to push the subject so far that he has no choice but to tell me something, anything, about it. ::
I wish I could just get over this and be able to give a chance to people who actually like me and show me that they're interested *sigh*.

 

[Honda]

Do you think that book is worth listening to for a socially anxious person? My anxiety is rooted in the fact that i think of myself of a dominant male figure and that everyone hates me because of this, and thinks i am such a douche for every word i say. Do you think this book would maybe just strengthen those negative beliefs about myself?

Or, do you think it would help me with approaching girls i want to? Because thats all i really want. I don't care if i get rejected. Truth is, 99% of girls out there would probably say yes to me, im just scared to ask them out, because i don't want to have to deal with the anxiety of being on the date.

I missed out in life cuz of my anxiety.. There's no harm in checking out books, not necessarily that book but find what suits your needs best; books wont solve the problem but they will offer you an insight to assess the situation, manage things better, understand things better and then you take the action based on what you find fit..

Im shy and i cannot pick up females or even achieve things that other people do cuz of my hesitation, fear or shyness.. I found out the only way to go for it is to push against the tide and slowly go up.. Even plan it out and manage it, there's no shame in planning and thinking things over before taking action.. I believe I will reach somewhere no matter how much i mess up; if i just keep pushing on...

Nobody is the same and everybody got positive and negative things within themselves..

Centre of attention, loud. Always must be the One. An annoyance. Shove something, something pick into the neck. Disregard for silence. Silenced.

No, this book actually criticizes and insults such people you mention, those arent alpha men (and i hate saying this word cuz it sounds lame big time imo) they are nothing but egoistic idiots that are trying to stand out.. It doesnt tell you about pretending to be this so called alpha man and acting like a macho man bull****; instead it offers insights about checking out what you have, build things based on it and manage things better for yourself and your goals based on what you have and you can acquire not mainly in getting females but in life and career as its emphasizes the fact that getting girls should not be the priority of life but being a productive person in terms of health, thinking and career instead...

 

[hippiechild]

There are a few possible reasons...

"Cut your losses" or "A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush," (this saying is actually an amazing analogy for the situation at hand haha)

• Typically love-shyness is due to a lack of confidence on the guy’s part, a case of traditional shyness. These guys find it easier to simply enjoy being with a girl and having her company than to risk going further and losing everything. I mean, seriously, professing your love to a girl changes things, regardless of how she reacts. That fear of change is the root of the whole fiasco. “things won’t ever be the same.”
  
  In this situation there is also the fear of getting what he wished for. If the girl says yes, then he has to worry about meeting her expectations. He is lacking in confidence and can’t imagine himself being a good date. This leads back to the ‘cut your losses’ idiom: even if he can secure her approval, he worries that if he doesn’t meet her expectations during the date(s) then that disappointment will carry over into their platonic relationship, permanently muddling things.
  It’s safer to just stay friends to the end...
  
  
• Another explanation deals with the "shy" man's personal identity and shame. In this case an overly inflated sense of self importance is sheltered, not ‘true’ shyness. If he asks her and she turns him down, then he has to reconcile this with his grandiose self-image. If she accepts him, that’s just as bad because he will then have to maintain his idealistic scenario or face shame at not living up to his own expectations. The advantage of taking neither of these is that it’s his choice and therefore comes with no external (read as: meaningful) shame, “I chose not to do anything, so the possibilities are still open.” It’s all about the possibilities. “If I wanted to do it, she’d definitely fall for me.” In other words, it has to do with depriving the other person of any sort of power over him, he wants to be whoever he thinks he is, but without ever having to back it up with action.

 

[TooShyShy]

Is that the core of it? What you believe about yourself? And the inability to accept your imperfections, short comings and difficulties?

Doesn't everyone have issues though? Who is that perfect that they do not have struggles or insecurities? I don't see how anyone can think they are LESS than anyone else we all have things to work on and overcome. We are, afterall.....human!

 

[skins]

it all comes down to the fact that if youre a guy on this forum then chances are youre suffering from a low self esteem...now what harm is it you say? well by going up to a girl and letting her know your feeling for her when your'e unsure about hers to you, could end you being rejected and the little bit of self esteem you have left is crushed that little bit more. thats what harm it does.....now going on the stats most confident guys will tell you that out of 10 girls you try and chat up the success rate is like 13%. so for me unless your like 80% sure the girl likes you back its just not worth the risk of damage to your confidence.

so for me untill i get more self confidence im not going to risk that sort of damage to my already low self esteem its as simple as that....yes it hurts just being in silent admiration of a girl but when you think about it i see 10's of attractive girls per day, but to recover from a rejection after asking one of them for a phone number and not getting it lingers for a much longer time.

 

[Honda]

I dont think It should be that complicated.. I mean rejection is something normal, she aint perfect either you know.. But rejection really hurts when you know you're not confident enough and you show it.. Dont give it too much thought or get too excited about it and dont be desperate for a girl...
There was a time i rejected a girl cuz i didnt want to dare to venture to a relationship..

 

[Seasons]

so for me unless your like 80% sure the girl likes you back its just not worth the risk of damage to your confidence.

What about if you're ~95% sure? Would you do anything about it then? If not why? Unless you don't like the person back of course.

 

[hippiechild]

Haha.. I just realized how ridiculously long this thread has been around. Maybe it's imperative that the question not be answered, so that us male-fails may legitimately continue doing absolutely nothing.


*beep boop beeeeeeep*
"printing receptivity probability statistics for subjects A12-B6"
*eeeEEEEErrrrRRRRR*

 

[theslowesthand]

But what if the girl has let you know her feelings and intentions..say in a card or letter that she'd like to get to know you better and that she could tell you liked her too..why would you say not interetsed but then still stare from afar almost daily, watch when she comes and goes all the time, hang out where she is, **sigh** (very deeply) with your head down when she walks by you, if you say you can't do it or not interested....WHY??????
Its so confusing and very painful when they guy does that!!!!!

The other day i was a culprit of this type of behaviour (sorry to her!). I was standing nearby where she was sitting (too scared to sit next to), looking the odd time at her (found her very pretty, slim - a babe, in short). And then when i was afar, giving her a glance every few minutes, and she was returning every stare (seemed like she constantly staring in my direction, waiting for my next glance). I COULD have walked over & intriduced myself, but didn't ("couldn't"). But i told myself, 'okay, when i leave here, i will do something, maybe'. However as always is the case, i leave things WAY too late; i "put-off" things until VERY LAST MOMENT, which is then TOO LATE; i keep "repelling"/resisting until its too late to change the course of events. So when i left she was gone, & i was like 'damn! i was going to give her my number!' (of course i most likely would not have done that, but i like to THINK i would/could have done that)

Aaaah well, i suppose its for the best...