Who we helping?

[Darryl]

Heres what I learn't from everyones imput.

my replies tell us more about myself?

I stand on my soapbox, and give advice, when I’m the one who need the advice.

Books that I have read, experiences I have had aren't the answer to someone’s problems, how can they be- I only hear part of the story and MY story has a different start and ending to theirs.

And what makes ME an authority, when I can't fix MY own problems?

I wish people were more considerate of me, yet I’M not considerate of everyday people... who do I think I AM!

Someone might quote MY comment and thank ME for MY words of wisdom.
Who has it helped, them by taking their mind off the problem, when realistly they would of found a solution and learnt a life skill... or ME, reinforcing our place on SPW.

Do I need to have feedback all the time, to make ME feel good about Myself-
We all know being silent no-one will call your name.

I am not a expert in the subject, I only know what effects ME, I’M NOT qualified psychologist’s who have studied with various types of mental illness'

Is this impact to make ME feel important, part of our problems and a expectation I can't meet?
Am I my own worst enemy?

 

[Kiwong]

Darryl, you spoke your truth in your original post, and I thought you made some valid points. Altruism is not common in the human species, but people do try.

 

[MollyBeGood]

..........

 

[Darryl]

There are a few problems that seem to be intrinsic to and part of the nature of the web forums and online communities. For example, in the real life, people rarely do transpass their (1)age boundaries with the social circles they build or belong to, seems natural. On the other hand, on online medium it is a little harder to get your thoughts through to the other parties because of the age borderline. And if people couldn't understand what are you saying, they are not going to make any use out of it.

In addition to its indication on some of the personal attitudes, age could also be a significant indicator of how much people do know. Assuming certain level of (2)knowledge while there is a big gap causes sometimes a difficulty in delivering help that is lost in (missing) explanation.

Now (3)anonymity is another problem (on many levels.) In a real life meeting I can keep silent and just nod my head having my emotional reaction indicated in the form of facial expressions. Here your silent is just a sign of ignorance, because how else people are going to know how do you think about their thoughts? (also judge your response on some level?)

I find it difficult sometimes determining when do I share my thoughts, and weather am I going to be misunderstood for whatever reason or weather it is safe to through some opinions out? since obviously people do misunderstand.

On the personal level, no one like to talk to himself, and every one is expecting response (natural.) It could get desperate attempts when it seems that no one could grasp what you are talking about, or is able of delivering the answer you are looking for. Sometimes I guess compassion could still compensate for the lack of real help, which does somewhat matter.

Apart from our extreme judgements, people would still help for free if they can. I believe this is obvious, and it doesn't either differ in both real life and online worlds.

Hi Basil,

This tells you more about yourself, than me.
This is what you expect, and what you think the responce should be.


Regards Darryl

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Heres what I learn't from everyones imput.

my replies tell us more about myself?

I stand on my soapbox, and give advice, when I’m the one who need the advice.

Books that I have read, experiences I have had aren't the answer to someone’s problems, how can they be- I only hear part of the story and MY story has a different start and ending to theirs.

And what makes ME an authority, when I can't fix MY own problems?

I wish people were more considerate of me, yet I’M not considerate of everyday people... who do I think I AM!

Someone might quote MY comment and thank ME for MY words of wisdom.
Who has it helped, them by taking their mind off the problem, when realistly they would of found a solution and learnt a life skill... or ME, reinforcing our place on SPW.

Do I need to have feedback all the time, to make ME feel good about Myself-
We all know being silent no-one will call your name.

I am not a expert in the subject, I only know what effects ME, I’M NOT qualified psychologist’s who have studied with various types of mental illness'

Is this impact to make ME feel important, part of our problems and a expectation I can't meet?
Am I my own worst enemy?

I'm not really sure where you're going with this--is your point that people only care about themselves?

 

[Darryl]

Darryl, you spoke your truth in your original post, and I thought you made some valid points. Altruism is not common in the human species, but people do try.

Give to receive.

Just like what you have done

 

[cosmosis]

My mom drilled into my head that its always my fault, that I have to give everything of myself to everyone.

When I give, I look to never receive. I tell the truth if it hurts me more than it hurts another or helps another more than it helps me. I lie if it hurts me more than it hurts another or helps another more than it helps me. There is no reason for that but my belief that everyone is valued more than me.

But what is funny and interesting is that it ultimately makes me "selfish" and unkind. I don't like to give gifts or kindness because Im afraid that they are going to want or feel the need to give something back and that is not what I want.

And ultimately, the more selfish I become the easier it is to give. If I care more about myself, the more I give. It's really funny and messed up how that is.

 

[Darryl]

I'm not really sure where you're going with this--is your point that people only care about themselves?

Hi NathanielWingatePeaslee,

My opening post I had questions that reflected my mood.
These questions were written to why we help and I asked questions that i wanted answers for.

Words, the right words can pull me out of a dark place.
Stories don't help me- that's why the questions and answers need to be with emotion and conviction- I needed to believe.
Even the negative reply helps as I look further into why.

Different people will take a different message from all that written because the nature of the subject.

Without boring you anymore, the point is me. self doubt in my abilty trigged by loneliness.

Darryl

 

[Feathers]

Good thread.

I have sometimes wondered the same (and was wondering if you were talking about Me? Ha! ) lol!
(Maybe many people were wondering if you were talking about them too, or the forums in general, or just about yourself personally...?)

I really liked all the responses too, including the negative one - Hoddeson, you ROCK!!
I thought first you were joking! And also, by exploring the negative, you can see if it's true too?

Escape, another awesome post! Phocas too! And some other really good points and different approaches too!!

Apparently these forums are important for many people... They may also be highly addictive, yeah!
There may be a fine balance between helping people and avoiding own problems by helping others and being codependent and such...

I agree that sometimes we 're-discover' truth that we already knew through other people or by telling it to them (especially if it's effective in their case), and/or by searching for something that would help another find something that can help oneself too..

It's good to point out that this is just our opinion/experience or we read it somewhere... Sometimes we may choose wrong words or give wrong advice (and then worry about it) I think the important thing is to show some sort of response to show that we care and want to help, and to provide some sort of input for the other person to maybe research further if they want to?

I've only found out about some of my problems on online forums, the doctor didn't know anything until I showed her a Wikipedia printout.. So yeah, it can be valuable.. Just be careful you don't say it as this is the 'truth and nothing but the truth and nothing else is the truth' instead you could say 'maybe' or 'how about?' or 'have you tried this and this?'

Darryl, I never really knew about AvPD until I read about it on this forum, and in your threads... I knew things like that happened, but didn't know a name for it.. so it's expanding our knowledge..

There's some (loud!) renovation going on, I may post more about this later...

 

[Nyoron]

Do our replies tell us more about ourselves?

vague~

Do we stand on our soapbox, and give advice, when were the ones who need the advice.

Books that we have read, experiences we have had aren't the answer to someones problems, how can they be- we only hear part of the story and our story has a different start and ending to theirs.

most people are in need of some kind of advice at some point. does it mean they're unfit to give advice themselves? i don't think so. like you said, our experience and knowledge enable us to give others advice, but we are no less qualified than anyone else do to so. i don't understand the logic in shared experience not being able to help just because a situation differs. you're making a HUGE generalization by stating this, underestimating the situation completely. i think people that relate to each other with experience will be much more successful in helping one another through advice, it wouldn't make sense any other way. i don't know where you were going with this.

We wish people were more considerate of us, yet were not considerate of everyday people... who do we think we are!

another huge generalization, i guess that tends to happen when you use the word 'we' to match a great number of people you know nothing about whilst making a statement about said people as if you actually knew them.

Are we our own worse enemy?

no, but i can see where you are coming from. there are many kinds of people here, some will make use of support and use it as a tool for their personal development, some will not, and it may even be counter-productive for some.

skipped some questions because i didn't understand the point, sorry. you have a slightly abstract writing style.

 

[gazelle]

I agree with you on some of the points you've made about a few of the reasons that poeple might post but on the contrary, I've also seen many posts on this forum that seem meant for helping others only .

From what I've observed the more stronger the more supportive poeple are. Hence expecting altruism and selflessness on a forum where the majority have come to seek help and support might be wrong .
This is a place where poeple come to get attention and support and share their experiences (including myself), who are we to reprimand them for that.

 

[coyote]

I just gave someone some advice that I think holds true in any situation:

never wear a striped shirt with plaid shorts

 

[Darryl]

vague~


most people are in need of some kind of advice at some point. does it mean they're unfit to give advice themselves? i don't think so. like you said, our experience and knowledge enable us to give others advice, but we are no less qualified than anyone else do to so. i don't understand the logic in shared experience not being able to help just because a situation differs. you're making a HUGE generalization by stating this, underestimating the situation completely. i think people that relate to each other with experience will be much more successful in helping one another through advice, it wouldn't make sense any other way. i don't know where you were going with this.


another huge generalization, i guess that tends to happen when you use the word 'we' to match a great number of people you know nothing about whilst making a statement about said people as if you actually knew them.


no, but i can see where you are coming from. there are many kinds of people here, some will make use of support and use it as a tool for their personal development, some will not, and it may even be counter-productive for some.

skipped some questions because i didn't understand the point, sorry. you have a slightly abstract writing style.

Hi Nyoron,

Thanks for replying,
I did addressed this on page 3 the second post so hopefully that will answer your responces.

Regards Darryl.

PS, I love you comment about my abstract writting- yep, definately no arugment there!::
That made me feel good.

 

[Tripolar]

There are some pretty weird posts on this site, but this one is toxic. It should be buried in a nuclear waste dump. If I had the option to have one post removed, this would be it...

No i'm kidding, but proving a point really. Everybody has the right to their own viewpoints.

I think Darryl's thread explored a lot of things to think over.

Sure, everything that you do somehow benefits you, it's impossible for anything not to. In fact, everything IS you, becuase you know nothing else. So it might be true that you help the ones that you can relate to more, and in the end it may be a reflection of helping yourself. Mankind is one big functioning animal where we all have to work together, and to me this is just a survival method. Sometimes, if you are not 'walking the talk', then as you try and help others you WILL be helping the same part of you that you can relate to without even knowing it. For instance, if you are a good parent to your child, it will affect how you treat your inner child. And other times, when you don't need the help because you've walked the walk, we're there to help others who we can understand. The satisfaction of assisting somebody may really be an echo of a lesser-feeling of helping that part of ourselves partly, and partly it is a spectacular feeling of knowing that you have sent positive energy that will travel into events and people and possibilities unknown!

Inherently, we ONLY want to help what is US. Yes, this is true, but it is the very blueprint of our base, and an important part of our actions. We want to keep the earth, air, water, animals, and others of our kind safe and do every thing we can to, because it IS us... Without these things we cannot be, and that is the importance of survival tactics like this one. The only thing that is not us that I can think about are things that man makes. All of those things we cannot relate to or 'feel' on any level because they do not have the most basic element that we are and that is life.


If that makes it a selfish act then every act in the world is selfish, I believe selfishness is actually quite close to close mindedness. It is the INABILITY to UNDERSTAND what you are, leading to an inability to see your relation with said person or thing, and thus leading to treating such things with neglect.

I couldn't agree with this entire post more.^^^

First off: If you don't have anything supportive to offer to someones thread I think it best that you just don't add anything. I think its really sad what was said and I know I would have felt attacked, that isn't what this site is for.

Second of all I have what I call a rant book, when I am manic and I can't get my thoughts clear I write weird random **** in this book just to get it out of my troubled mind. I know that I have written almost this exact thing in there somewhere.

 

[atavistic]

I skipped 3 and a half pages or so. I agree with the tone of OP. It's the reason why I've avoided joining a social phobia board or something similar. I'm kinda thinking I should just walk away now. I scanned for the jist of things for this thread on pages 1-4 and I get the feeling everyone would just disagree with me anyways. For example in the post above:

"First off: If you don't have anything supportive to offer to someones thread I think it best that you just don't add anything. I think its really sad what was said and I know I would have felt attacked, that isn't what this site is for."

Being attacked is not a bad thing. It is part of life. You have to learn to deal with it. This is a safe place I assume, but probably too safe. To give some examples, if you're trying to lose weight it's probably not a good thing to seek some support from someone who is kind, understanding and won't hold you accountable. In contrast with seeking support from say a physical trainer who gets paid to hold you accountable and to push your limits and comfort zone.

Another example: You race in the Tour de France every year but always come in last. Given the choice you would probably get better results training with Lance Armstrong or Alberto Contador than say the guy that finishes next to last every race.

I am new here and probably missing the point of the website. It seems to be support. But I feel like Darryl is voicing his/her concerns that I can identify with. If for whatever reason I'm off base then my point stands alone. Sorry if I offended anyone. Did not intend to. Just my thought or whatever. I guess to close, I should say I get the feeling this place is more harmful than helpful for me. I can only speak for myself. It feels like there's a danger in getting comfortable in this social phobia thing.

I decided to read the rest of the posts before I post.

From Mountaingirl:

"I do question sometimes weather it helps me to come here only because it's very addictive to feel a connection to people, and I do here quite often so it's difficult to want to stop communicating with like-minded people. It's nice to feel accepted finally even if it's in our negative behavior patterns."

That is spot on. Darryl it seems has backed down. To me it seems like maybe it's making you nervous when you realized that what you said was semi incendiary? And then you go back to playing the role of appeaser. It's not like you made bad points. So avoiding conflict is the only reason I can see to back down and appease. I don't know. Just a theory but I base it on experience. We all know what it feels like to say something that puts you in a difficult spot later (difficult for us). But I for one liked that "fed up" tone in the first post. Maybe that tone and appeasement I perceived is all in my head though.

Even I'm trying to avoid conflict by apologizing in advance in this post. Ugh. *shakes head* Well whatever.

 

[Paahi]

We often help ourselves when we try to help others, it makes us contemplate, consider. I believe our advice will sometimes hit, sometimes miss; its up to the recipient to sort through what we have to offer them - what may not be good advice for our intended listener may be just what another person needs. We are not experts individually, but as a collective consciousness we have good-enough advice, understanding, & community.

^ this
......

 

[Darryl]

Darryl it seems has backed down. To me it seems like maybe it's making you nervous when you realized that what you said was semi incendiary? And then you go back to playing the role of appeaser. It's not like you made bad points. So avoiding conflict is the only reason I can see to back down and appease. I don't know. Just a theory but I base it on experience. We all know what it feels like to say something that puts you in a difficult spot later (difficult for us). But I for one liked that "fed up" tone in the first post. Maybe that tone and appeasement I perceived is all in my head though.

Even I'm trying to avoid conflict by apologizing in advance in this post. Ugh. *shakes head* Well whatever.

atavistic you're a 100% correct, I did back down!

Why, because one hand after another reached out to me.
Impossible for me to stay hurt in a caring enviroment and I try repay all by respect and a open mind.