what were your experiences with the opposite sex, that made you SA

[redski]

...
One thing that I have a problem with is being mean to people for no good reason. I cannot count the times when guys thought I liked them just because I spoke to them, smiled at them or was otherwise friendly. Should I be a complete bitch just in case the guy talking to me happens to think this way, so that he doesn't take my kindness as approval or interest? Maybe it's my fault when guys think that friendly women have a romantic interest in them? I guess we just can't win. If we're mean or cold then we're heartless bitches, and if we are friendly and warm we are sluts or we are asking for people to touch us or otherwise assume that we are interested in them. And if we're friendly and turn out to not be interested then we are cock teases.

In fairness this has happened to me and I am a male. I have had it just like you described. Only by my own experience I am not sure what the women had going on in their heads. Just like you say, I was friendly the women got
the wrong impression then later on when she figures out I am not interested
the friendship is completely over I am completely ignored and I guess I am a douche bag in their eye.

 

[crazycat]

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[iamthenra]

Redzer
mate thats like me about people only wanna know me when i can help or they need stuff, and like u i give and never expect anything in return. i know ur a good guy just get that vibe of you, ur genuine nice guy, who would go ut of his way to help someone if he could. But mate u gotta keep trying for a girl i know u say u did but u gotta not give up and i know its easy to say this but hard to act on it, but look at like this pal, you got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Every women that turns you down makes u stronger and makes you one step to finding the right one for you.

Thank you my friend! I just get so desperate and I feel so down at times because of this topic. It is a source of great pain and sorrow. I never wanted to be a "41" year old looking for his first girl friend, but sadly enough, time is now my enemy.

Danfalc
Iamthenra,I'm sorry to hear you have had such bad luck.Redzer is totally right,you give off a genuine nice guy vibe and I'm sure you are a good person.I really hope you find someone,because you really deserve to be happy,and whatever problems you have I think you would treat any girl like a princess.

Sadly relationships are complicated things, especially when you have problems like we do,but I hope you keep trying.I'd like to hope there is someone out there for you.

You are correct, I would treat my girl like a princess. Thank you!

redski
You sound like a genuinely sincere honest human being.
My hat goes of to you sir. There should only be more people
like you in the world. I would like to give some advice,
if I may. I am very much like you.
This helping people, that is, going out of your way to do so
could be as always with SA/SP a selfesteem thing. I know
this from my own experience.
You want to be liked. You shouldn't feel this way however.
I have never met you but from you post you seem like a good
person so why try to prove something which is already true.

I posted these books in another thread. I am reading these myself.
Do not mean to sound like a sales person but they are pretty good.
They give me perspective about my problem.

Thank you for trying to help. I know what needs to be done, but the fear in me is a very difficult thing to work through. I know I have a poor self esteem. I don't feel worthy enough for even a friend, and when I do get a friend I wonder why they like me... Then I always fall into the same pattern and I buy things and do things so that they will like me, and want to be with me. Thank you all for your comments. I do get very depressed, and I often come here to express myself, which seems to be a reoccurring trend that I would like to break.

I guess what it comes down to, is I want to be loved. I want a warm embrace mostly. I know that sounds weird. But when my niece and nephew wrap their arms around me, it brings tears to my eyes because it's something that I have needed and wanted for a very long time. Sorry for all the drama, and emotion. I know I don't sound very "manly". Thanks again.

 

[redski]

... I know I don't sound very "manly". Thanks again.

We are here for you brother.

 

[Cynic]

Rarely stated, but true, indeed.

Of course its true but most people are too cowardly to accept it.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

Blame the girls who allow guys to do this without complaint.

I blame the ones who acted upon it. There were clearly stated rules against sexual harassment in the place where these things occurred.

 

[megalon]

I've never had the courage to ask a girl out. A few months back, there was a girl that I worked with who was transferred from another department. My coworkers told me that she would always talk about me when I wasn't around and say that I would make the perfect boyfriend because of how nice I am and such. One day when she was sitting across from me, she asked me if I had a girlfriend. Being the moron that I am am I said "no, of course not!" She apparently took it the wrong way and said "geez, what's wrong with having a girlfriend?" I wanted to tell her that it's not that I don't want one, it's that I just assumed it was obvious no girl would want to be my girlfriend, but I didn't. Shortly after, she was transferred back to her old department. As far as I know, she's the only girl who has ever been interested in me. I wish I could have that one back.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Ideally, yes, but it is obvious that our society is far from that. Most people lack a clarity of thought, and are lead by peer pressure and other incarnations of irrationality. The difference between the miniskirt/rape and the giggle/harassment examples is that in the former, the woman gives off a clearly negative response, while in the latter, she doesn't, regardless of her actual feelings in that situation. A rapist ignores his victim's overt expression of rejection. A man who indecently touches women may even be fortified to repeat it, due to the women's seemingly positive reaction. I am not saying that either behavior is acceptable - the former indicates a questionable mental health, and the latter insufficient maturity (which is why, I suppose, sexual harassment of that type is very common in high-school and university).

Well said. Perhaps I am being an idealist as opposed to being my usual realist self. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from people although I stick to my belief that we are all responsible for our own actions and should think for ourselves. I can assure you that I have been touched even after I distinctly verbalized my disapproval.

Not in general, no. There certainly are women like that, but most prefer the loudmouthed douche-bag over the considerate guy. Naturally so.

You've been talking to the wrong kind of women then. So is it true that most men prefer women who are passive, and stupid? :: All the women I've known like considerate men.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

In fairness this has happened to me and I am a male. I have had it just like you described. Only by my own experience I am not sure what the women had going on in their heads. Just like you say, I was friendly the women got
the wrong impression then later on when she figures out I am not interested
the friendship is completely over I am completely ignored and I guess I am a douche bag in their eye.

I've observed women doing this as well just not that many. Maybe I don't get hit on by women enough? The women whom I have known to behave this way were not exactly bright nor were they desirable.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I blame the ones who acted upon it. There were clearly stated rules against sexual harassment in the place where these things occurred.

I can't argue with this one. Those people who harrassed you most likely did know better but they did not care about the rules or your feelings. Assholes!

 

[redski]

I've observed women doing this as well just not that many. Maybe I don't get hit on by women enough? The women whom I have known to behave this way were not exactly bright nor were they desirable.

Well sorry but I would no call that a fare statement. I think it has more with maturity to do. These women maybe were not mature enough.
To add, this has happened to me 4 times. I was for a very long time considering if this is a fault of my own with my SA/SP and all.

 

[PennyLane]

I don't mind if someone's not really into me...i can accept that quite easily I think.

The bit that has impacted me is having my heart broken. This has happened 3 times and even though they didn't mean to hurt me and obviously just wanted to end the relationship I have found it this very hard. It also takes me a long time to get over it and to stop loving them.

I think it hurts because i feel very vulnerable in love and when someone tells you they dont love you anymore and you feel like they know you completely you feel the rejection is really about who you are. Rather than someone who doesn't know you that well.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Well sorry but I would no call that a fare statement. I think it has more with maturity to do. These women maybe were not mature enough.
To add, this has happened to me 4 times. I was for a very long time considering if this is a fault of my own with my SA/SP and all.

Which statement in particular did you not find fair? I wrote that the women whom I have known were not desirable or incredibly smart. I don't think my statements were unfair because the women whom I have described were exactly as I described them. I wasn't describing the women whom you were referring to because I do not have any way of knowing them. I personally do not find dumb, loud, obnoxious women desirable but there are people out there who might.


Desirability has many factors including maturity. You obviously did not find those particular women desirable because of their lack of maturity. At least you were fair enough to take your own behavior into consideration before you came to the conculsion that it was all about them. If you did not show any interest in them or did not lead them on then you have done nothing wrong.

 

[redski]

Which statement in particular? Do you mean
to that they were physically desirable but immature or that they
were in fact bright? At least you were fair enough to take your
own behavior into consideration but if you showed no interest
and did not lead those women on, you are not at fault.

What I meant was mental maturity. I have had both cases of women.
The physically desirable ones not so bright and the physically desirable
ones that were bright. Given my SA/SP and all that I would say that I
did not lead them on, or that is to say
(as there is always to sides to every story) that it was never my
intention to lead them on.

You "Serefina" seem both mentally mature and bright

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I don't mind if someone's not really into me...i can accept that quite easily I think.

The bit that has impacted me is having my heart broken. This has happened 3 times and even though they didn't mean to hurt me and obviously just wanted to end the relationship I have found it this very hard. It also takes me a long time to get over it and to stop loving them.

I think it hurts because i feel very vulnerable in love and when someone tells you they dont love you anymore and you feel like they know you completely you feel the rejection is really about who you are. Rather than someone who doesn't know you that well.

I agree with you. Being rejected by someone you don't know isn't devastating. I've been annoyed by rejection and this is because I don't have the will to play games or waste my time.

I went out with one guy and everything goes well. Next time I see him, he's acting paranoid and tells me that I'm trouble. I hate it when people waste my time. It turns out that he's very mistrustful of women and he thinks we're a bunch of evil whores. Plus, he was sleeping with his friend's (a mutual friend of ours) mother who was a conniving bitch so I suppose this is why he thouht I was trouble. He's sleeping with our friend's mom (who is not a single mom btw) and I'm trouble? I figured that our friend's mom had something to do with this too because she didn't like having to compete with eighteen year old girls. At this point, they had been sleeping together for a while and she wanted to keep him in her grasp.

In the end, I'm glad that nothing ever came out of this. He was abusive and controling to the next girl he dated. My husband was friends with him and he told me that the guy was paranoid, violent, and was obssessed with knives and guns. He sure had me fooled. lol Too bad, he was pretty hot.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

What I meant was mental maturity. I have had both cases of women.
The physically desirable ones not so bright and the physically desirable
ones that were bright. Given my SA/SP and all that I would say that I
did not lead them on, or that is to say
(as there is always to sides to every story) that it was never my
intention to lead them on.

You "Serefina" seem both mentally mature and bright

I just realized something. There are those who are able to interact with and befriend people of the opposite sex, keeping the friendship purely platonic. Then we have the people who would not give a person the time of day unless there existed some sort of romantic or sexual interest. The latter are most likely the kinds of men and women we've been discussing. Perhaps they're just attributing (projecting) their own traits on others? I won't be surprised the next time a man I'm talking to believes that I like him.

I was at the pub and some guy walks in with the most adorable English Bulldog. I adore dogs so I just had to pet it. Now, I can't just pet the dog and ignore the owner so I start asking him questions about the dog. Anyway, about ten minutes into the conversation he says that he's stepping outside and asks me if I would like to join him. I realized that the guy was interested and he may have though that I was interested as well. He didn't seem like he was used to chatting up women in pubs because he was very timid. BTW dogs are great ice breakers. I had to decline his offer and he seemed kinda hurt by it. He was a good sport about it, shook my hand and told me that it was nice to meet me. At least he was being mature about the whole thing. He did seem like a nice guy and I may have taken his offer were I not
married. I didn't want to lead the guy on by taking his offer.

I still feel bad to this day when I think about the hurt expression on his face.

 

[redski]

I just realized something. There are those who are able to interact with and befriend people of the opposite sex, keeping the friendship purely platonic. Then we have the people who would not give a person the time of day unless there existed some sort of romantic or sexual interest. The latter are most likely the kinds of men and women we've been discussing. Perhaps they're just attributing (projecting) their own traits on others? I won't be surprised the next time a man I'm talking to believes that I like him.

I was at the pub and some guy walks in with the most adorable English Bulldog. I adore dogs so I just had to pet it. Now, I can't just pet the dog and ignore the owner so I start asking him questions about the dog. Anyway, about ten minutes into the conversation he says that he's stepping outside and asks me if I would like to join him. I realized that the guy was interested and he may have though that I was interested as well. He didn't seem like he was used to chatting up women in pubs because he was very timid. BTW dogs are great ice breakers. I had to decline his offer and he seemed kinda hurt by it. He was a good sport about it, shook my hand and told me that it was nice to meet me. At least he was being mature about the whole thing. He did seem like a nice guy and I may have taken his offer were I not
married. I didn't want to lead the guy on by taking his offer.

I still feel bad to this day when I think about the hurt expression on his face.

I am happy that I was right in my last sentence
I mean not to be rude or a "knowitall".

You are talking about exactly what my experiences have been but I have been in the same situation myself were a girl is talking to me and I am not sure if she
is being friendly just to compensate
(she really was just more interested in my "dog" then me).
If you are very much interested in the women this can be painful experience.

 

[Kieran]

For me, it has been the constant rejection coupled with being made to feel as if I had no right to ask anyone out. Being laughed at or just outright ignored when I ask... even highschool was like that. Couldn't get a girl to go to a dance with me to save my life. I have always been shy, but the final straw so to speak was when I asked a girl out, and she actually said yes! I was quite shocked. We went out, and I thought we had a good date... and then at the end she basically told me, flat out, that she wasn't interested. It was more of a pity date then anything else. She was in a few of my classes, and she drove that point home several times afterwords... It's not the rejection I fear. I actually wish women would just say no thanks and move on. I hated being ridiculed simply because I find someone attractive, and I'm terrified that the same thing will happen the next time I ask a girl out. I almost asked out a girl a few years ago... but she blew me off. She couldn't even be bothered to say no to me. Just emailed me saying she was too busy to call me back, but to expect a call in the near future. Obviously, never got that call and never had the chance to ask her out.

 

[Phobologist]

...I could never actually successfully talk to women. I don't know what it was. More than likely it was my appearence, perhaps the way I talk. I'm not sure. Anyway, whenver I tried even initiating contact with the opposite sex, they would get frightened. To the point where they would get security and have me escorted from the premesis. Not only that, but the more vindictive women would throw their alcohol in my face, spit on me, call me derogatory names, you know the drill...

My friend, this is absolutely unacceptable. What's going on is that you have NO IDEA how you are coming off to other people, and particularly women, when you are around them. You are too stuck in your head and you don't have proper social skills. There is no mystery, it only seems like one to YOU, but to everyone else it is glaringly obvious.

Here is the solution for you...

Step 1: Have your friends (get a female if you can) lay it out to you bluntly.
Make sure they tell you everything that you are doing just like it is.

Step 2: BELIEVE THEM AND DON'T ARGUE.

Step 3: Read my post on "how to get girls" in the social phobia section.

I gaurantee you no matter how weird, creepy, ugly, out of shape, or otherwise unattractive you might presently be, you CAN GET AT LEAST HAVE SEX SOMETIMES, with girls as good-looking as you. I promise you.