what were your experiences with the opposite sex, that made you SA

[Danfalc]

Despite my anxiety I've generally had good experiences.Looking back at when I was younger I think I may have had selective mutism,but because I was a short arse the girls seemed to think I was cute, (sadly when you grow up to become a full grown "man" your just a short arse )

I did have problems with any relationship lasting any amount of time despite sometimes getting a bit of interest.But I struggled with friendships as well,to make any long term bond and stuff.I did get hurt a few times(well alot),but no more than anyone else and sometimes because I was too naive,sometimes the girl was just a bitch,but that life.

Social anxiety can really suck and make relationships or acquiring them so hard.But If you work hard enough I think things can work out,you do have to risk getting hurt and even hurt a few times,you do have to get out of you comfort zone.It is hard but it can also be more meaningful cos you worked so hard to make it work.

 

[iamthenra]

Well... I've tried, I mean I really tried to meet the opposite sex... Mostly on the internet first, like dating sites etc... Because that IS hard for me, I mean the dating sites even. It took me a year to even acknowledge that I liked someone... I sincerely put forth a huge effort, and in ten years time. I only managed to communicate with 3 ladies.... only 3. Most, would reject me before I even got the opportunity to talk with them. I'm a good person, I do things for others, and put others before me. I get used allot by family and friends, because of my giving nature. The only time when family or my two main friends want me around is if I have something that they need to borrow or my assistance is needed. Nobody bothers to help me. I give them the shirt off my back, and I get nothing in return, nor do I expect anything in return, but it would be a nice gesture if someone did offer. The only thing I want is help, help to find a girlfriend. If I came upon a genie, I would ask for a girlfriend before anything else. Is that too much to ask for? I feel as if there is some larger power that is punishing me for something that I did? I don't know what I did to deserve this. Now that most of my life has past, I'm not as desirable as I would have been in my 20's. I'm too old, and nobody wants an old guy. I wish for a girl friend, but if it isn't meant to be, then I strongly wish to die. I'm so tired of crying, I'm so tired of feeling lonely and the people that should care about me don't...

 

[Bar-AKA-Redzer]

Well... I've tried, I mean I really tried to meet the opposite sex... Mostly on the internet first, like dating sites etc... Because that IS hard for me, I mean the dating sites even. It took me a year to even acknowledge that I liked someone... I sincerely put forth a huge effort, and in ten years time. I only managed to communicate with 3 ladies.... only 3. Most, would reject me before I even got the opportunity to talk with them. I'm a good person, I do things for others, and put others before me. I get used allot by family and friends, because of my giving nature. The only time when family or my two main friends want me around is if I have something that they need to borrow or my assistance is needed. Nobody bothers to help me. I give them the shirt off my back, and I get nothing in return, nor do I expect anything in return, but it would be a nice gesture if someone did offer. The only thing I want is help, help to find a girlfriend. If I came upon a genie, I would ask for a girlfriend before anything else. Is that too much to ask for? I feel as if there is some larger power that is punishing me for something that I did? I don't know what I did to deserve this. Now that most of my life has past, I'm not as desirable as I would have been in my 20's. I'm too old, and nobody wants an old guy. I wish for a girl friend, but if it isn't meant to be, then I strongly wish to die. I'm so tired of crying, I'm so tired of feeling lonely and the people that should care about me don't...

mate thats like me about people only wanna know me when i can help or they need stuff, and like u i give and never expect anything in return. i know ur a good guy just get that vibe of you, ur genuine nice guy, who would go ut of his way to help someone if he could. But mate u gotta keep trying for a girl i know u say u did but u gotta not give up and i know its easy to say this but hard to act on it, but look at like this pal, you got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Every women that turns you down makes u stronger and makes you one step to finding the right one for you.

 

[Danfalc]

Iamthenra,I'm sorry to hear you have had such bad luck.Redzer is totally right,you give off a genuine nice guy vibe and I'm sure you are a good person.I really hope you find someone,because you really deserve to be happy,and whatever problems you have I think you would treat any girl like a princess.

Sadly relationships are complicated things, especially when you have problems like we do,but I hope you keep trying.I'd like to hope there is someone out there for you.

 

[Cynic]

Being called ugly, boring, creepy, weird in my face are a few. That enough reason?

Indeed.

Once when I was out with a friend at the pubs, I was waiting at a table for a mate to bring back a couple of drinks. There were a couple of girls at a nearby table, I hadn't said anything to them, or even looked at them. However, they took offense to me being there, came over to me and asked if I could go away. They told me they were frightened of me, that I looked like a rapist and a serial killer. So I apologised to them and left

Chances are they probably weren't frightened of you at all, but looked down their noses at you for whatever reason, and did that for a laugh at your expense. If its any consolation, I wouldn't approach anyone either as its just asking for trouble. One hard and fast rule I've learned is that when you're bottom of the social pecking order, you are universally unattractive.

 

[redski]

...I'm so tired of crying,
I'm so tired of feeling lonely and the people that
should care about me don't...

You sound like a genuinely sincere honest human being.
My hat goes of to you sir. There should only be more people
like you in the world. I would like to give some advice,
if I may. I am very much like you.
This helping people, that is, going out of your way to do so
could be as always with SA/SP a selfesteem thing. I know
this from my own experience.
You want to be liked. You shouldn't feel this way however.
I have never met you but from you post you seem like a good
person so why try to prove something which is already true.

I posted these books in another thread. I am reading these myself.
Do not mean to sound like a sales person but they are pretty good.
They give me perspective about my problem.

Amazon.com: Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think (9780898621280): Dennis Greenberger, Christine Padesky: Books

The Confidence to be Yourself: How to Boost Your Self-esteem: Amazon.co.uk: Brian Roet: Books

Overcoming Low Self-esteem: Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques: Amazon.co.uk: Melanie Fennell: Books

 

[dreamdoll]

the latest one told me "you dont need anyone,you re so happy being alone"
I wanted to shout at him that it wasnt so.How could I ever make love to myself?
But later I realized that he was a standart guy with nothing special to offer to me.
So I suggest you think twice
do you really want to date that person?is it a perfect match

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

I've been touched in places that I didn't want to be touched.
"Nice ass." Should I take that as a compliment? I don't know.
And other standard male pubescent ****wits, usually along the lines of some kind of verbal abuse or sexual advance.

But I've known enough decent guys to make up for bad experiences.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

what were your experiences with the opposite sex, That made you have SA or more SA??


bad experiences

I remember two of the girls I told I liked them, 2nd one was on msn, 3rd one was face to face.

The first one was like "I think ur the hottest girl in the whole school" ... LMAO
then The next day at school, I bought her flowers and some teddy bears...OMG, I was such a noob. she didn't even say "I liked you too"
And I did that, I mean the gift giving in front of the entire class in the morning. WTF WTF LOL, then after that, I had no idea what I was suppose to say , and she ignored me..so

The 2nd one, I was walking with her to the bus stop after class, and I was like

"um...you ever want to be more than friends?"...I've only known her for less than a month, she was like"nope"

then things gota ugly after that, I didn't know how to talk to her or anything, and did a lot of stupid things, then I just opened up..(stupid again)
she completely ignored me after that, and said "you make things up"


After that, I've never talked to another female, other than some greetings, no small talk, I get sad, I don't want another rejection, and I don't want to get attached so fast to somebody, u know?

Come on, guy. Don't let three girls discourage you. I think it's awesome that you were so direct with them. At least, I prefer direct people. Those two girls were rude to ignore you. You have to understand though that giving compliments and gifts will not ensure that a girl will like you as well. Sometimes you have to look for signs that a girl likes you before you make a move and sometimes you can just be direct, tell her that you are interested and ask her out. One mistake is to give a lot of compliments, and the other is gifts. Flowers are appropriate but you have to understand that although the girl might like the flowers, this does not mean that she likes you. Keep your head up and keep trying. Everyone gets turned down at some point. It's part of life. Just keep an open mind and try not to let the turn downs make you bitter or angry. I wish you the best.

 

[klytus]

I've been touched in places that I didn't want to be touched.

Blame the girls who allow guys to do this without complaint. I have had the pleasure to observe such situations way too often - guys would touch random girls indecently, and the girls would giggle or approve of it in some other way. It is only natural to repeat what was proven a proper course of action by either positive reinforcement or the absence of a negative experience.

Chances are they probably weren't frightened of you at all, but looked down their noses at you for whatever reason, and did that for a laugh at your expense. If its any consolation, I wouldn't approach anyone either as its just asking for trouble. One hard and fast rule I've learned is that when you're bottom of the social pecking order, you are universally unattractive.

Rarely stated, but true, indeed.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

My experiences with the opposite gender have been taunting, bullying, sexual harrassment and attempted assaults. It did not help to meet countless other women and girls who have been abused or assaulted. My experiences with men have not been alone in my development of anxiety.Women have also played a role.

Once, a guy asked me out to the movies in front of his friends only to stand me up. It did seem to me like he and his buddies were trying to get a laugh at my expense but I had decided that I wasn't going to be paranoid or mistrusful. This added to my anxiety and mistrust but I can't say that I was torn apart by it. It was another lesson learned but it was not the worst experience I have had with the opposite sex.

Also, my dad had something to do with this. Don't get me wrong, my father is not an evil or cruel man. He just raised me according to how he was raised as well as what he thought was best. It obviously was not the best but my parents couldn't have done that much of a horrible job. I didn't turn out too bad. Though I can certainly thank myself for the efforts I have made to progress.

Oh, my God! I don't know how I ever forgot about the rejections. One guy rejected me because I wasn't pretty or popular. He became interested once I told him that I liked him, but then he went out with the pretty, popular girl. That was really heartbreaking cuz I really liked the guy and even cared about him at some point. I would have never thought that he would have been interested so when he was I was sooo ****ing happy! I haven't thought about him in years! lol Also, this guy who I had a huge crush on in middle school. He became interested in me during the summer before high school and I was overjoyed. He then dumps me for the pretty blonde haired, blue eyed, voluptuous, sexually active white girl and I felt like shit about myself. Her and I later became really good friends (we've been like sisters for the past ten years) and he ends up doing the same thing to her and countless other girls after her. I can't say that I'm mad at either guy because in the end they had to choose to be with whomever made them more happy. This is all funny to me now even if it did contribute to my being wary and mistrustful. Heart break is inevitable.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Blame the girls who allow guys to do this without complaint. I have had the pleasure to observe such situations way too often - guys would touch random girls indecently, and the girls would giggle or approve of it in some other way. It is only natural to repeat what was proven a proper course of action by either positive reinforcement or the absence of a negative experience.

Come on now. That's unfair. It is basic respect that one should not touch another person without being asked to do so. What if that had been your sister or your woman?

Some women giggle out of nervousness not because they like the touching. Those are usually the kind of women who are considered most feminine by societal standards because they are more passive and submissive. You forget that many women are not raised to be direct and assertive. I've had a guys get really hostile when I told them to not touch me. I had every right to tell them not to touch me but they obviously didn't think so. I have had to push a guy off of me because he grabbed me and started rubbing himself on me. He got pissed off when I shoved him off. I won't blame a submisive girl for what he did. It was he who behaved completely inappropriate and to blame a submissive girl for it is taking responsibility off of him. Such justifications make men like him feel that they have the right to be completey invasive of another person's space.

I don't blame sexual harassment on the girls who giggle any more than I blame rape on the women who wear miniskirts There are some women who like that sort of attention and that is fine with me but the majority of women do not like that attention. I'm sure that there are men out there who enjoy getting groped by women but that doesn't mean I'm going to start groping men with the belief that they like it or are asking for it.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

u better off mate, they only break ur heart in the end ::::::

Dude, this isn't a way to encourage people. All women are not going to break your heart anymore than all men are going to try to rape me. Heartache is not something that can be avoided in life. Don't discourage him just because you are discouraged. You shouldn't be discouraged either.

 

[Rodney]

In highschool my interaction with them was fine and I actually talked to quite a few, not in the sense of lining up girls so I could tell people "yeah, I have like 3 girls lined up waiting for me to go out with them" (like I've heard quite a few times) but more in the sense of just friends. I've had one 3 month relationship and have had a few girls interested in me and have dissappointed a couple of them when they asked me to go out with them (I've even broken up two best friends who both liked me and I didn't even go out with either of them, I know, I suck)... In University when I lived in a dorm and girls would talk to me I would always scramble my words and my wording would be messed up... my mind would go blank.

Now a days I don't talk to any girls and all the girls who were my friends aren't and except for two that I talk to once every 2 months or more

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have turned down the girls who were into me or if I should have pursued those who were interested in me but I guess it was my SA that made me not know how to handle such situations and getting really uncomfortable when a girl shows interest in me. Now I'm afraid to start conversations with girls because I'm afraid they might think I'm a creep/loser or something.

 

[klytus]

I don't blame sexual harassment on the girls who giggle any more than I blame rape on the women who wear miniskirts

There is a difference. Miniskirts are no invitation to rape, and women certainly don't take delight in being raped. - However, girls who giggle or approve of sexual harassment in some other way teach the guys, who may just follow peer pressure to seem more masculine / heterosexual, that it is acceptable behavior to indecently touch another person.

After all, it is never an individual's fault. It's our society which breeds such behavior - we all are responsible.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

My experiences, whilst I initally thought them to be unique, until I stumbled upon this website, are probably much like most people's stories on here.

I used to go out to pubs and clubs with my friends a fair bit. I never ever really had much confidence, so I guess one could say that my SA began to manifest itself in high school. For probably the first couple of years I was picked on by a select few of older students, particularly females, which did wonders for my confidence and self esteem, and I suffered. However I got along pretty well with most students from my own year, many of which I would still refer to as friends, so high school wasn't as terrifyingly horrific as it could have otherwise been.

Anyway, since I've never had a gf, never been in any position to ever have such a relationship, I just figured it would happen after high school, when both sexes have matured. I've only kissed two girls in my life, which were mistakes, as both the girls in question were unquestionably flat out intoxicated, when they started to sober up, well let's just say it put a different complexion on things. Besides, I don't want to be known as the loser that only has a shot with over the top drunk chicks. That isn't fair not only to those girls, but to myself.

Anyway, back at the time when I was still frequenting pubs and the occassional clubs, I could never actually successfully talk to women. I don't know what it was. More than likely it was my appearence, perhaps the way I talk. I'm not sure. Anyway, whenver I tried even initiating contact with the opposite sex, they would get frightened. To the point where they would get security and have me escorted from the premesis. Not only that, but the more vindictive women would throw their alcohol in my face, spit on me, call me derogatory names, you know the drill. Once when I was out with a friend at the pubs, I was waiting at a table for a mate to bring back a couple of drinks. There were a couple of girls at a nearby table, I hadn't said anything to them, or even looked at them. However, they took offense to me being there, came over to me and asked if I could go away. They told me they were frightened of me, that I looked like a rapist and a serial killer. So I apologised to them and left, went home and cried myself to sleep. This part I don't like admitting to, makes me feel childish.

Oh, my God! What bitches! I am so sorry to hear that you have been treated so horribly! Don't feel childish for having a good cry. I know that people can be really cruel but it pisses me off to hear these sort of stories. God knows what could be wrong with those cunts. I admit that I've been freaked out by guys but most of the time it's because they did something weird like pulling out their cocks and jerking off.

Pretty much after that incident. I came to the decision that it wasn't fair for me to be out at pubs and cause women to feel these sort of terrifying thoughts. I haven't the right to cause this type of anguish to another person.

You're different than other men (bitter and angry woman haters) who complain about women. You don't blame all women for the negative experiences that you have had. On the contrary. You actually wish to not frighten or bother women (which you probably are not doing in the first place). Chances are that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and that the women you have been around were a bunch of nasty bitches. Don't even worry about them. You're one of the only guys who has not bitched about how you cannot get a girl despite of what a nice guy you are. I think you sound like you are genuinely nice. Go out to clubs and pubs and have fun with your friends and try to talk to people. You'll find women out there who are nice and kind. Don't give up, sweetie not all people are going to treat you badly.

So I will very rarely ever go out to pubs anymore, unless it's with a group of friends, and we go out for dinner or something like that. I never speak to anybody that isn't a part of my group, and I'm usually now very quiet and don't speak much at all when I'm out, except a select few of my closest friends.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

There is a difference. Miniskirts are no invitation to rape, and women certainly don't take delight in being raped. - However, girls who giggle or approve of sexual harassment in some other way teach the guys, who may just follow peer pressure to seem more masculine / heterosexual, that it is acceptable behavior to indecently touch another person.

After all, it is never an individual's fault. It's our society which breeds such behavior - we all are responsible.

I'd be lying if I said that you haven't made a good point but please consider the following:

There exists a misogynistc myth among rapists and non rapists alike that women enjoy rape. There are some women who think this too.
So maybe it's reason enough for normal men like you to say that these are two different (the miniskirt/rape and giggling/sexual harassment issues) things but it is not so for those other men and apparently this is enough reason to commit or condone rape. Both are dangerous ways of thinking because they condone and or encourage inappropriate and criminal behavior. Would you really want to have assault charges slapped on you because you didn't bother to think before acting? Regardless of what society teaches, a person has to learn to think for themselves.

I have met guys who could tell the difference between nervous giggling and actual approval. I didn't giggle or smile when guys have tried to grab up on me so why would they continue to to so? What makes anyone think that what is good for one person is good for everyone else?

A few weekends ago, I went out with two friends. Some guys started chatting us up and one guy kept trying to touch my friend and sit really close to her. She is a very sweet and passive girl. She was giggling nervously and the other people we were there with could tell that she was uncomfortable. The third guy who was with the two douche bags was the one looking at his friends laughing and shaking his head. He obviously realized that his buddies were acting like jack asses and he later apologized for their behavior. So what excuse do other men have?

One thing that I have a problem with is being mean to people for no good reason. I cannot count the times when guys thought I liked them just because I spoke to them, smiled at them or was otherwise friendly. Should I be a complete bitch just in case the guy talking to me happens to think this way, so that he doesn't take my kindness as approval or interest? Maybe it's my fault when guys think that friendly women have a romantic interest in them? I guess we just can't win. If we're mean or cold then we're heartless bitches, and if we are friendly and warm we are sluts or we are asking for people to touch us or otherwise assume that we are interested in them. And if we're friendly and turn out to not be interested then we are cock teases.

 

[Rodney]

I cannot count the times when guys thought I liked them just because I spoke to them, smiled at them or was otherwise friendly. Should I be a complete bitch just in case the guy talking to me happens to think this way, so that he doesn't take my kindness as approval or interest? Maybe it's my fault when guys think that friendly women have a romantic interest in them? I guess we just can't win. If we're mean or cold then we're heartless bitches, and if we are friendly and warm we are sluts or we are asking for people to touch us or otherwise assume that we are interested in them. And if we're friendly and turn out to not be interested then we are cock teases.

I totally agree with what you said! I think a lot of guys have this problem where they believe if a girl talks to them it means they are interested in them. I always find that if a girl actually does want to be more than friends with you, you'll be told by someone else, usually her close friend or she'll heavily flirt with you lol. I NEVER think a girl likes me until I'm pretty obvious that she's interested in me, mainly so I don't make a fool of myself .

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I totally agree with what you said! I think a lot of guys have this problem where they believe if a girl talks to them it means they are interested in them. I always find that if a girl actually does want to be more than friends with you, you'll be told by someone else, usually her close friend or she'll heavily flirt with you lol. I NEVER think a girl likes me until I'm pretty obvious that she's interested in me, mainly so I don't make a fool of myself .

Well, I think that I happen to attract the poor guys who are clueless.
The guys who do seem to get it don't seem to be interested. lol
I'm glad to hear that you use some common sense. That is the kind of consideration that makes a guy attractive to women.

 

[klytus]

Regardless of what society teaches, a person has to learn to think for themselves.

Ideally, yes, but it is obvious that our society is far from that. Most people lack a clarity of thought, and are lead by peer pressure and other incarnations of irrationality. The difference between the miniskirt/rape and the giggle/harassment examples is that in the former, the woman gives off a clearly negative response, while in the latter, she doesn't, regardless of her actual feelings in that situation. A rapist ignores his victim's overt expression of rejection. A man who indecently touches women may even be fortified to repeat it, due to the women's seemingly positive reaction. I am not saying that either behavior is acceptable - the former indicates a questionable mental health, and the latter insufficient maturity (which is why, I suppose, sexual harassment of that type is very common in high-school and university).

That is the kind of consideration that makes a guy attractive to women.

Not in general, no. There certainly are women like that, but most prefer the loudmouthed douche-bag over the considerate guy. Naturally so.