My depression episodes usually starts with my brain bombarding me with the whole resume of all that happened to me in the first 19 years of my life. The flashback makes me angry, so I purge that anger with exercise and by bashing a punching bag. Then when the anger is gone, there's only sadness and regrets left.
Whatever you do when you're at that point, do not lay down in bed or in front of the tv and do nothing. You have to give your everything, that one last push that will lead you a little further along the way. Stop one moment, and take the time to taste, enjoy and appreciate the sadness. Allow it to become a natural part of you, only then will you be able to live with it which in turn kills it.
Nothing is left, only bittersweet emptiness. I go and try to do something I always wanted to do but never took the time to. I may not feel anything, but I sometime have that ghostlike sensation that my body do feel the emotions that are supposed to be involve.
I'm overcoming new barriers in the domain of mental imagery, it's like controlling dreams. If you dare a little and really put your mind to it, right before sleep you can make yourself believe in situations that aren't real. For one moment there, I can make myself feel so damn awesome it's almost unbelievable, my whole being feels like a burning star. It's amazing just how much power can still be hidden inside someone even in there weakest moment.
And finally the cycle goes on, but it's not what it used to be, things are changing a little every time.
