What do girls in particular think of a guy who's 30 and never had a girlfriend?

[SingleAloneForever]

Sorry about the lengthy title....

Anyway, I want to hear some opinions. Guys are also welcome to comment, but I think that girls may be able to offer me some valuable insight as to what exactly my problem is, and whether or not anything can be done about it.

I've always been rather shy. That's just the way I've been since about high school, from when I was 13. I wasn't too bad before this, but I'd had older girls at high school bully me for absolutely no reason, which made my confidence and self esteem pretty much non existent.

That took me a little bit of time to get over, but I've always been extremely cautious and shy since that incident. Still, that doesn't help explain as to why I've never had a girlfriend, or a date, or even a one night stand. My mates managed all these no problems, but me, I seemingly never stood a chance.

So years have passed, I was at that point, still going out to pubs and clubs. Was never really worth the effort though, as all my efforts were in vain. No girl was ever interested in me. I tried chatting to plenty of women of all shapes and sizes, even ones that I wasn't exactly attracted to. None wanted anything to do with me.

So I turned to online dating sites. At first, I was getting absolutely no responses. That wasn't doing any wonders for what little remained of my confidence or self esteem. I'd been on these sites for maybe 6 years, and it wasn't until this year, that I'd seen any sort of progress. Didn't turn out to be progress so much, just ended up letting my guard down, and just ending up hurt, like I always do when trying to converse with people of the opposing gender.

So somebody had recommended me this site called OasisActive. I wasn't sure at first, as the site was absolutely free - apparently paid for by the advertisers, which is good for me, as I'd wasted probably close to $600 on paid online dating sites that actually "guarantee results."

So a local girl sends me a request for contact, saying that she liked my profile and wanted to know more about me. So that was good. She was rather striking, and her personality was a breath of fresh air, she was sweet, down to earth, and she was exactly what I was looking for.

So we talked on the site, swapped phone numbers and were just sending text messages back and forth. However, she just suddenly went quiet, and stopped responding to any messages. Then she just deleted me off facebook, without even telling me what I'd done wrong. I'm still not sure what I've done wrong, so I've since moved on from that.

So I started talking to other girls on the same site. But after talking to me for a little while, they just told me they only wanted to be friends. I was ready to give up at this point. So I suspended my account for a while, and stopped looking. I went back to the same site a month later, and revamped my profile, and put up new pictures. Got another couple of girls who showed interest in me. One said the same thing, she just wanted to be friends.

However, the last one, after some small talk, and I thought things were going well, asked me a question that I really didn't want to answer, so I tried to answer it without downright lying about it.

"Have you had many girlfriends?"

I responded with:
"No, not really.

Her response:
"Have you actually ever had a girlfriend?"

So I told her the truth. I said that I was old fashioned, that I have utmost respect for women, and I was just waiting for the right special girl to come along.

Her response was "Awwww that's so sweet. You're a really nice guy. I would like to get to know you better. Will you be on tomorrow?"

I said I would be, but when I came back on the next day, she'd blocked me from contacting her. So she lied to me, and she must have found the fact that I've never had a relationship to be somewhat off-putting.

So I just got so fed up, t hat I actually put the information about me never having a relationship before in my profile. I figured that if the right girl did exist, then that shouldn't matter to her. Well, suffice to say that before adding that information about myself, I'd gone from possibly ten messages from women a week, to absolutely zero. Seems it is as off putting as I'd feared.

I honestly think that women can sense when a guy has never experienced a relationship before, or at least they can when it comes to me. I'm really worried, because I'm just so sick of searching for that special somebody who may not actually exist out there for me.

Am I just wasting my time? Is it such a terrible thing to be nearly 30 and never had a girlfriend?

 

[Bloir]

But i think it is not a problem... If you never had a girlfriend it is better for the new girl because she will be the only..she can feel herself special, nope?
Anyway, some sites to know people are waste and the most of people goes to search a picture...you calm and will come someone special for you...

 

[MissClueless]

I don't think it is weird that you haven't had a girlfriend before. I'm not sure what that girl you talked to was thinking, that sounded pretty mean to me.

I guess some people may find it to be unusual, but if they can't handle it then you don't need them.

 

[Honda]

Why would you be honest with her.. If i where you i'd answer her question with another..

I would ask her why are you asking? I'd tell her im divorced...

Heck, women like men to look like they're dominators... It sucks but heck, these are women nowadays... They will not settle for anything rather something... The era of Disney romance has come to an end... Times change...

 

[fitftw]

^ I pretty much agree with you, but there has to be a decent amount of women who don't want to be dominated....right? I hope so...because that's just not me.

As for the OP, watch 40 Year Old Virgin...there are a lot of 30 year olds who haven't been with a woman.

 

[Mickery]

I think somebody said in the thread similar to this, just be aware that you're asking a group of people who are very much like you, so the responses are unlikely to represent a real world perspective. The same is true for a dating site, but I would imagine that negative snap judgements are what you're most likely to find.

It doesn't mean people are naturally unkind, just that most need some kind of emotional investment before they'll accept what they may ordinarily dismiss. It's no different to accepting the flaws of somebody you're in love with. Ordinarily their quirks may drive you crazy, but you love them so it's okay.

I agree with what twiggle said. You're more likely to get a fair trial when they already like you enough to consider you from all angles.

 

[Feathers]

Hey, SAF - I actually think you need a more constructive nickname

Sorry to hear about the bad experiences, hope you will manage to work thorugh this and maybe make friends with girls first and maybe they know someone who'd be perfect for ya?? You never know who could introduce you to the love of your life, or at least a date??
And there are books or websites you can read to improve your conversation skills etc... (Yeah, sometimes teasing instead of answering straight can work better, it depends..)

Well, the experiences of online dating can be stressful... both for guys and girls - chances are, this girl might also really think you were sweet, but then another guy chatted with her inbetween and he was horrible to her, and that made her block a bunch of guys at the same time (or stay away from dating sites etc).. or she might have mistook you for someone with a similar username etc. Or her mum/bf/sis found her account and blocked everyone?? Or her best friend might have said something like, 'don't go invest time with someone without experience whatsoever' etc. It could be a number of reasons. (Sometimes we girls can listen to stupid advice too..)

Or she gave it better thought for what she's looking for in a man, or maybe read your profile and something else distracted her... Thing is, you don't know why she blocked you, and the best approach to something like this would be 'Next!'
There are many girls out there, some of them wouldn't mind or would actually like someone like you!!

Like Twiggle says, the attitude is worth a lot too!! There's a big difference between approaches!! eg if someone is happily living his life, many girls might be interested in tagging along to the interesting things and events etc. If you're just at home feeling sorry for yourself doing nothing - it's good to work on improving the life first maybe? So that you enjoy your life and others will be interested in what you're up to too!!

You're actually lucky to have gotten responses and been approached by women first.. Many guys complain that they have to 'approach 1st' and 'do all the work' etc.

I think it would be better to omit details about personal dating life from the site too, if they like you and you like them and you actually meet and still like each other, and are maybe about to progress or go steady, maybe you can tell them then.. If you put it on the profile, it can make you look like a 'pity case' or someone just desperate to get any girl, while girls like to feel 'special' and wanted, you know?? It's better to go for the angle of being 'selective' and not settling for just anyone, imo... (Which is probably true too anyway!!) You did speak about respect etc. This is something girls appreciate.. Maybe some tomboyishness is appreciated too.. Humor etc.

There's a danger of being thought of as 'mama's boy' or someone who 'might have problems'.. by a certain type of girls.. There may also be other factors involved, what she finds important.. (eg do you live on your own, have transport, how are the finances etc.) Especially girls with some 'mileage' or those who are very independent, or have financial problems themselves, might not wish a guy who would not be independent enough for her or so.. And if she's not looking for something serious she may likely stay away too..

Some girls may be young or superficial or interested in different kind of men, there's a % who might be quite happy to get to know you!!
In some countries and societies there are more women than men anyway, so...?!!

 

[Waybuloo]

If you want the truth, then yes I think that for the general public, a man 30 or over and who never had a girlfriend would be considered odd. Put yourself in their shoes - no social problems, meet a lot of people by the time they are 30 and hence would most likely have at least met 1 girl/boy they liked and worked out with enough to call a gf/bf.

They might suspect that you have committment issues or have too much faults. It's only natural to assume I guess. That or that you are too picky or have a string of flings but never anything serious. Since you do come across genuine and confess that you are waiting for a special one, I think most girls just think you are too old fashioned for them. I think that a lot of girls want the guy to make the move, and for him to swoon over her and flirt. If you pass the window of opportunity yet still send 'just friendly' messages then they might think you are not interested and hence are wasting their time when all they want is something romantic or sexual. Above all a girl likes a guy who knows what he wants and knows what he's doing. Do you come across as unsure? That might be a put off. Coming across too strong and clingy also doesn't work. So it can be tricky to strike the right balance.

Personally I can't decide whether i'm put off just because a guy's 30 and never had a gf. I need to talk to him, see his personality, mannerisms and know more. If he's very principled about meeting the right girl, then I won't reject him given the balance of the above factors. A man who believes in what he wants and sticks to it is attractive.

Also I wouldn't use internet dating if I were you. I would join hobby clubs instead because i'll more likely find people with common interests, and you can suss out what kind of person they are in real life.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I don't advocate lying and being open and honest with someone should be the goal but... not something you should feel the need to reveal right away or at all... and how you tell too... don't want to become a 'pity case' as Dr.Google said. Or sound sad about it. Not saying you do this - but nothing is more initially offputting than self-pity - I've been there.

I mean - if you come to terms and really accept this about yourself, I mean it is what it is - gotta move forward. And if u can laugh it off and inject humor and self-deprecation into this fact - that will go a long way imo. If she likes your personality, etc. this shouldn't change that... but imo a girl that asks how many girlfriends you've had right away I don't know... if in person mannerisms, eye contact, etc. all play a huge factor. I mean I'm not one with loads of experience, but yeah =D

 

[Minty]

It's probably off putting to most girls who have relationship experience. But there are some girls out there with zero like yourself and I'm sure they wouldn't mind. (Would be a hypocrite to.)

I'm 23 and have never dated and wouldn't mind a noob. So there's at least one girl out there.

I will say this, however...comments like this one, "I said that I was old fashioned, that I have utmost respect for women, and I was just waiting for the right special girl to come along." would be extremely off putting for me personally for several reasons. I'm not going to judge anyone who has this philosophy, but I'm not compatible with men who treat women like trophies to be put on pedestals. Treat me like I'm normal.

 

[cosmosis]

I think it all depends on the reason. Just like a resume, you have to have a good reason why you haven't had a job in years or never had one. Likewise, there really does have to be some kind of decent reason for not having a girlfriend. In my opinion, saying that you are old fashioned, will never work. But you can be somewhat honest and it would go along way with the right type of girl. Saying something like you've gone through a very rough time / life and now things have come back together. Haven't been able to focus on any relationship because of something in your life. Give them something that is understandable and real and some women will respect that ..the ones you would want a relationship with.

 

[Noop]

like dirty harry said;

"hows a man get experience if you don't give him a chance!"

if women aren't willing to take the truth, they're not worth lying to.

 

[upndwn]

Hey there. I'm 32 and I have never been in a long term relationship (although I've had a few girlfriends, although those relationships never lasted more than a couple of months).

I to find it extremely hard to get a girl to get interested in me romantically. Sure I have lots of friends that are female, and I have tried hooking up with most of them at one time or another. I have realized that what most girls want is someone with confidence and experience, and someone they can feel safe with.

Most of my friends are well over thirty and a couple of them have never had girlfriends, but for the most part the people I know of my age has got great careers and families since they were in their mid-twenties. It makes you feel like a loser and you start to wonder what's wrong with you.

I see myself as a charming and funny guy. I might not be the best looking but I am kind and can fake interest in anything. I am very picky with what kind of girls I would want to hook up with. preferably someone who's open minded, not to fat and not two thin, with a sweet face and who shares some of my interests and tastes. i also wouldn't like anyone with to much baggage, be it personal problems or annoying ex-boyfriends.

I realize that for a guy in my situation (without any education to speak of, no job and suffering from bipolar disorder) I might be setting my bar a bit high. I tried dating every girl that showed even a remote interest in me, but I never felt attracted to them so it only ended up in frustration, anger and resentment.

Like you I've tried internet dating since a lot of my friends has had great success in that area. But after spending 100's of dollars and getting very few responses, none of them serious, I decided it wasn't for me.

I'm currently dating a girl (although we have only been on a couple of dates yet), but I'm really more interested in someone else I have only briefly met and which I think is waaaay beyond my reach. i don't think anything will work out with the girl I'm dating right now, but I'm pretty sure we'll become good friends.

It's hard being alone and see the years go by without anyone to love. I was single for eight years until I met my last girlfriend. She was an old friend who I had a short fling with several years earlier. I invited her to a concert and things just sort of happened. When I realized she had a boyfriend and lived with him and her kid I knew that it wasn't going to last. I got three happy months from that, the best three months of my adult life, but in the end I became lonelier than I had ever been.

I have little help to offer. Every girl I've hooked up with was either a spontaneous thing while drunk, or it just sort of randomly happened without any warning. Most of my short relationships has ended when my girlfriend understood what kind of situation I was in (no education, no job, mental illness etc.) so finding someone without those prejudices is key to get such a relationship to last IMO.

 

[HH]

Its a never ending struggle ::

 

[anuskas]

Don´t worry! The problem is not you but some imature girls who have not experienced enough in life to know that doesn´t matter if the man is 30 and have never had a girlfriend or if he is 30 and have had many!

Love and the way of thinking and living are the most important!

 

[Josette]

I would definitely take that info off your profile. It's going to be a red flag to most women, which is totally unfair, yes, but that's the reality.

I'm in the same situation as you, though I haven't yet been brave enough to try online dating. It's my goal within the next year. But I fully intend to lie about my lack of a dating history. I'm usually very honest--too honest, but this is one of those few situations where honesty isn't the best policy. Because honesty is going to get you shut out of the opportunities altogether.

I don't mean I'm going to make up an elaborate dating history for myself. I'll probably just say something like, "I've had a few relationships but nothing serious." Hopefully, I'll be able to avoid or change the subject if it comes up. But I won't hesitate to tell a little white lie if I have too. I know I'm a freak; no way I'm announcing it to the world.

 

[dottie]

i think it's good that you have that in your profile but i'm curious about how you word it. maybe you should keep it simple like, "new to dating? so am i!" maybe you will have to weed through a lot of women but there is someone for everyone and it's better to be up front. trust me, women can tell if you've never dated before and it will come out eventually. better to be up front about it than waste your time on women who are not interested in someone with minimal experience. again, there is someone for everyone! keep looking!

 

[bleach]

T
For example, if somebody was 30, single, and it seemed obvious that they'd purposely been trying to find a relationship all those years, then yes, it would seem a little bit offputting.

But if somebody is 30, single, but does plenty of other cool stuff with their freetime, then it wouldn't be offputting. It would be admirable, in a kinda "wow that person is living life" kinda thing.

Sorry but your second example guy does not exist

I agree with the guy who said you should lie about it, just say it's been a long time

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

im sad to hear about your bad experiences trying to find a date! im a girl and i dont find anything wrong with a 30 year old thats never had a girlfriend. i actually think thats sort of a turn on, because if i went out with someone who's never had a date theyd probably be pretty nervous, and since i have social anxiety i would find it more comforting knowing that the other person is nervous too and not trying to be all controlling like people who gone on hundreds of dates before. but thats just my opinion...
i often think that ill never find anyone to be with, although i am still quite young. i wish u the best and hope u find someone great! just keep searchin