Very socially capable

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

What do you mean uncalled for? Pookah said many people felt like she did, but there was no evidence. I was asking could these many people talk on their own behalf and not get her to post here.

Are you saying that people who feel socially excluded should deal with it themselves? Unfortunately people do feel that it's us against them because of the social division that is created by inclusion/exclusion frequently displayed. Sometimes all you see on a thread is one joke after another between two people. Are you saying i'm not being respectful? Why are you saying a thing like that for ?

I struggle being articulate, but you are stretching what I was saying, prob my fault, wasnt being clear. I did not at all say ppl who feel socially excluded deal themselves. I SAID we can all be more aware and open as Remus said, but there will ALWAYS be a type of social groups, that doesn't negate THEIR issues over others. But should be more aware they may UNINTENTIONALLY make ppl feel excluded or bad? Yeah I agree. Take it to a PM or minimessage - depends on thread too... but it's been a struggle for many to get there, members can be welcoming and open only SO much... we are all patients not doctors (as Nate says above). It may come off as us vs them to ppl but its never that simple is my point. We can all learn and understand eachother better, that's why we're all here at the end of the day, some may lose sight of that and make this their only outlet for socializing, but they have their own issues thus they may be just as lonely as someone who struggles to say anything despite not seeming that way. Nothings quite as it seems.

Not saying you're being disrespectful - I'm just trying to not let ppl feel hurt this thread can get passionate and not realize just like the point of the thread - So I apologize if I myself come off that way.

 

[Pookah]

I'm just not sure what you want people to do. Do you want us to stop being friendly and make our posts more sterile? Conscious effort not to speak with the people we have grown to like?

Forums cannot function without regulars, it will die. And in this case the regulars are here because they have not gotten better and this is now a crutch.

Ppl won't take it to pms because they don't pm each other, they have SA.

 

[Waybuloo]

I struggle being articulate, but you are stretching what I was saying, prob my fault, wasnt being clear. I did not at all say ppl who feel socially excluded deal themselves. I SAID we can all be more aware and open as Remus said, but there will ALWAYS be a type of social groups, that doesn't negate THEIR issues over others. But should be more aware they may UNINTENTIONALLY make ppl feel excluded or bad? Yeah I agree. Take it to a PM or minimessage - depends on thread too... but it's been a struggle for many to get there, members can be welcoming and open only SO much... we are all patients not doctors (as Nate says below).

Not saying you're being disrespectful - I'm just trying to not let ppl feel hurt this thread can get passionate and not realize just like the point of the thread when done. So I apologize if I myself come off that way.

Yes we should be more aware, or rather it's good that the awareness is put in the spotlight. It's not that active members should be welcoming and encouraging, in your face to everyone else, it's just that if they want to be friendly and sometimes flirty or matey with eachother on a thread, it can be discouraging for the rest. Of course they should befriend eachother, but perhaps might be more sensitive to other people who struggle in that department. For me, it's like going to an acne forum, and you take loads of happy, shiny pics with perfect skin and parading those pics on there. I think that won't sit well with a lot of sufferers.

Sure, apology accepted.

 

[vexatiousmind]

. For me, it's like going to an acne forum, and you take loads of happy, shiny pics with perfect skin and parading those pics on there. I think that won't sit well with a lot of sufferers.

That is only one way of looking at it, some might see those pics and be encouraged that a person with acne has cleared up. Although, that is not a good comparison, because we all still have SA. So it would be more like posting a pic of how there skin has gotten better, but is still not perfect.

What is the point of this site, if no one ever gets any better?

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I'm just not sure what you want people to do. Do you want us to stop being friendly and make our posts more sterile? Conscious effort not to speak with the people we have grown to like?

I was about to post the exact same thing. I accept that Waybuloo believes there is an issue (although I don't necessarily agree with her that it is an issue) but I honestly don't see how it can be 'solved'. Trying to force a level playing field, where all members get an equal number of responses to their posts, sounds like some awful social engineering experiment.

No one is prevented from joining in here. I think it's like everything else in life, in that you only get out what you put in.

 

[Waybuloo]

That is only one way of looking at it, some might see those pics and be encouraged that a person with acne has cleared up. Although, that is not a good comparison, because we all still have SA. So it would be more like posting a pic of how there skin has gotten better, but is still not perfect.

What is the point of this site, if no one ever gets any better?

A better comparison would probably be posting pics on here drinking and partying many times.

Yes, but you are forgetting that most SA people have a negative mind ::

I think when they get better then leave anyway. It has been known to happen to a lot of people.

 

[Waybuloo]

I was about to post the exact same thing. I accept that Waybuloo believes there is an issue (although I don't necessarily agree with her that it is an issue) but I honestly don't see how it can be 'solved'. Trying to force a level playing field, where all members get an equal number of responses to their posts, sounds like some awful social engineering experiment.

No one is prevented from joining in here. I think it's like everything else in life, in that you only get out what you put in.

Wait, how do you know i'm a she?

 

[moon_x]

As long as no one is breaking forum rules, I think its okay. I think its entertaining when someone jokes and I dont mind that, I only mind if they look down on others especially if they try to join in, but maybe fail. But no one has insulted anyone. But maybe in thier mind, this is why some people here can feel intimidated to join in.

But I think everyone should make it their own buisness to socialise, we cant control how others treat us, but we can control ourselve.

 

[Silatuyok]

Personally, I felt somewhat attacked by the OPs extremely vague criticisms, though the more I read from what others are posting, the more I just want to understand what issues there are. So far I have only seen two concrete examples of things that the "bubbly" people can work on to accommodate the less social posters.
This forum is a microcosm of sorts, a reflection of the "real world," whether we like it or not, and of course people are going to act on here the way that they wish they could act in their actual physical lives, or the way that they feel they need to act in order to fit in. There's no shame in that. It's a support forum, it's not a cure-all or a perfect society. Even the best forms of therapy are fallible.

The ones I consider my friends here, and the ones I feel most comfortable conversing with and contributing to, are those people who made the effort to speak to me when I was new here just a little while ago. Much like in real life, I tend to avoid the people whose viewpoints differ widely from mine, and I shy away from people who don't tend to respond to any of the things I say. I think that's pretty natural. But if some people don't open up in a friendly way in the first place, then how can we even know that they are there, in order to help them participate? ---That's not a rhetorical questions, either. I would really, really like to know exactly what the problems are and suggestions for fixing them. Otherwise we are all just throwing around our vague convictions and not getting anything accomplished or changed.

One last thing---there are many threads that ANYONE should feel welcome to reply to. I myself have started several threads just asking a random question to the group at large, and I've been met with a lot of great responses from dozens of people. There's no reason why the people who feel left out can't make it a point to participate in those threads. That's WHY I/we post those kinds of open-ended questions, so everyone can participate and get to know each other better.

Aside from curbing thread hijacks, and perhaps making more of an effort to respond to posts from the "less popular" people, I don't have any other recommendations on how the forum can fix these problems.

 

[Waybuloo]

Lol I bet many members are already bitching about me.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Yes we should be more aware, or rather it's good that the awareness is put in the spotlight. It's not that active members should be welcoming and encouraging, in your face to everyone else, it's just that if they want to be friendly and sometimes flirty or matey with eachother on a thread, it can be discouraging for the rest. Of course they should befriend eachother, but perhaps might be more sensitive to other people who struggle in that department. For me, it's like going to an acne forum, and you take loads of happy, shiny pics with perfect skin and parading those pics on there. I think that won't sit well with a lot of sufferers.

Sure, apology accepted.

As Jerry said, I think we might have something here!

I understand what you're meaning now really - I've felt this way in threads and have been "guilty" of doing it too. But 90% of everyone's so socially impoverished and yearning for acknowledgment and interactions here, it's easy to get carried away with these things and seek community big time - we can all be more sensitive and easy to lose sight of things. Which is what REMUS was saying and NOT exactly what the OP was...

At the end of the day we can all only do so much though, try to be as inclusive as possible but can't force ppl to talk or feel, and ppl shouldn't feel guilty for being friends or responding to them or with their struggles that's where the us vs. them thing mean. I know majority of ppl try to help eachother with good intentions and doesn't always come off that way. But we're all patients. Most of us. Varying levels. This is a social support site and part of that support is being social with eachother.

But anyways... there's only so much we all can try and do, I guess just talking about it openly but being respectful and not personal or too divisive (which the OP was) is the discourse that makes things progress.

 

[Waybuloo]

As Jerry said, I think we might have something here!

I understand what you're meaning now really - I've felt this way in threads and have been "guilty" of doing it too. But 90% of everyone's so socially impoverished and yearning for acknowledgment and interactions here, it's easy to get carried away with these things and seek community big time - we can all be more sensitive and easy to lose sight of things. Which is what REMUS was saying and NOT exactly what the OP was...

At the end of the day we can all only do so much though, try to be as inclusive as possible but can't force ppl to talk or feel, and ppl shouldn't feel guilty for being friends or responding to them or with their struggles that's where the us vs. them thing mean. I know majority of ppl try to help eachother with good intentions and doesn't always come off that way. But we're all patients. Most of us. Varying levels. This is a social support site and part of that support is being social with eachother.

But anyways... there's only so much we all can try and do, I guess just talking about it openly but being respectful and not personal or too divisive (which the OP was) is the discourse that makes things progress.

Here here. (hear hear??)

I think the OP is just very frustrated with the state of affairs from his point of view, and his sarcasm certainly means it. In a way I don't feel offended at what he's saying though. I wish he'd come back and clarify more.

 

[Waybuloo]

As Jerry said, I think we might have something here!

I understand what you're meaning now really - I've felt this way in threads and have been "guilty" of doing it too. But 90% of everyone's so socially impoverished and yearning for acknowledgment and interactions here, it's easy to get carried away with these things and seek community big time - we can all be more sensitive and easy to lose sight of things. Which is what REMUS was saying and NOT exactly what the OP was...

At the end of the day we can all only do so much though, try to be as inclusive as possible but can't force ppl to talk or feel, and ppl shouldn't feel guilty for being friends or responding to them or with their struggles that's where the us vs. them thing mean. I know majority of ppl try to help eachother with good intentions and doesn't always come off that way. But we're all patients. Most of us. Varying levels. This is a social support site and part of that support is being social with eachother.

But anyways... there's only so much we all can try and do, I guess just talking about it openly but being respectful and not personal or too divisive (which the OP was) is the discourse that makes things progress.

And there you go finishing off with a perfect flourish of a friend request. Is this for argument's sake hehe?

 

[coyote]

many people come here looking for help

they often say that they don't know how to socialize

they don't know how to make small talk

they don't know how to flirt

etc...

from what has been said in this thread, it is clear to me that they came to the right place

because people socialize here

they engage in small talk

they flirt

people who have trouble doing these things can learn from this

it's a good thing

it's not being done to exclude anyone or rub their superiority in someone's face

but if that's the way you see the world, i can understand why you might have a problem with it

but, in my opinion, it means you need to improve your view of the world, rather than blame everyone else for making you feel bad

and there are lot of people here who continually try to help people improve their view of the world as well

interestingly, it seems that a lot of the same people who are offended by other people's social capability are also offended by posts encouraging them to take a more positive outlook on life

 

[Pookah]

A lot of people are excluded and deliberately rubbed up the wrong way on this forum.
Just for the fun of it.
For the lulz.
I don't think meticulous post preparation is to blame.

This says the OP's attitude quite well imho. Ppl are intentionally being cruel to him?

 

[Waybuloo]

many people come here looking for help

they often say that they don't know how to socialize

they don't know how to make small talk

they don't know how to flirt

etc...

from what has been said in this thread, it is clear to me that they came to the right place

because people socialize here

they engage in small talk

they flirt

people who have trouble doing these things can learn from this

it's a good thing

it's not being done to exclude anyone or rub their superiority in someone's face

but if that's the way you see the world, i can understand why you might have a problem with it

but, in my opinion, it means you need to improve your view of the world, rather than blame everyone else for making you feel bad

and there are lot of people here who continually try to help people improve their view of the world as well

interestingly, it seems that a lot of the same people who are offended by other people's social capability are also offended by posts encouraging them to take a more positive outlook on life

You are directing this at me? I think part of the problem is that people with SA have such varied attitudes and beliefs, which clash, like here. I don't think there is any basis for saying statement in bold. I don't need to improve my view of the world, actually it's my view of myself that needs improving. Is it so much to ask for a little sensitivity when it comes to toning it down in the public forums? Maybe it all comes down to authoritarianism vs libertarianism eh? Actually it does sound kinda condescending what you said in italics. But i'm not one of the clique so you don't have to be nice to me

 

[MrJones]

I didn't want to post in here because I usually can't express myself good enough and this seems a delicate topic, so my apologies to everyone if I say soemthing wrong.


I think I understand both positions. I've felt left behind and ignored and I've felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to people who need it too.

The thing is, in none of those cases there was someone trying to hurt someone else.

The first situation was more often at the beginning. I thought that people were just ignoring me, that my problems didn't deserve attention or something. I've felt bad, very bad. But then I started to talk to those who I felt needed more help, especially suicidal posters. Why? Because I can't talk to everyone on here. I can't reply to every single post. It wouldn't be a big deal, someone else will. But the problem comes when for some reason, maybe casualty itself, someone gets no reply by me but neither by anyone else. I've been there and know it hurts to feel misplaced. I know now that it is not anyone's intention to do so.

Some of those conversations, though, ended in friendship, and then I got more confidence (online) to be more open in the forum. I know I made friends and it's true that I pay more attention to them, but still now I try to pay attention to those who helped me before, that is, those who I think I can help.

Anyway, my point is that even if some people talk more to some people it's not a bad thing, it just means that you can get better, gain confidence to talk to new people.


I always tried to help as many people as I could, and still I offer my PM inbox or my minimessenger to anyone who want to talk to me or feel left behind or whatever, I'll be more than glad to help

 

[coyote]

You are directing this at me? I think part of the problem is that people with SA have such varied attitudes and beliefs, which clash, like here. I don't think there is any basis for saying statement in bold. I don't need to improve my view of the world, actually it's my view of myself that needs improving. Is it so much to ask for a little sensitivity when it comes to toning it down in the public forums? Maybe it all comes down to authoritarianism vs libertarianism eh? Actually it does sound kinda condescending what you said in italics. But i'm not one of the clique so you don't have to be nice to me

I was not directing that comment at you specifically, no

as with most of my posts i was directing it at the community at large

the basis for making the statement was my opinion based on my observation

i am a libertarian, but i don't belong to the Libertarian Party - i'm registered as an independent

i'm sorry you thought i was being condescending - i wasn't

i'm not really very good at knowing who is in which clique - that doesn't determine who i choose to communicate with - i'm nice to everyone

i would flirt with you more, but you're hardly ever around

 

[KiaKaha]

I think having social anxiety disorder is a paradox. By nature, people who are seeking attention and help cant ask for it - because they have social anxiety disorder. Which is why I think SAD is actually a very serious illness.

If no one speaks up and nobody engages with other people (just like in the real world) then no one is going to take notice of them, people wont bond with them.. and they will get left behind...which is why social confidence is so important. Once a person who has SA perceives that they are getting ignored, then that just opens up a whole gateway to a host of other problems...depression...suicide...?

Feeling lonely, left out and misunderstood is the WORST feeling. I sometimes think people think that I am unfriendly because I dont engage with them, but really all it is is that I am too scared too.. because I may come across as a... dork.

I dont know how to solve the problem, but I do think there is an issue here. I have seen people leave the site because of this perceived exclusion. I do also feel that once a persons social needs are met, that we tend to forget that other peoples aren't. Its all about who makes the first move...this is why in the real world...extroverts are popular...because they have the ability to bring people out of their shells...no one is interested in the quiet ones.

Do I think the more active posters should be berated? or made to feel like that they are doing something wrong? Absolutely not. Should friendships be discouraged? No. I think observation, awareness, and intuition about how other users are feeling needs to be encouraged. You almost need to have the ability to read peoples minds.

I have always been a firm believer that the strong and more capable should help the weak.

 

[coyote]

you're thinking of the number 3