Very socially capable

[Pookah]

Some people come here to socialize because they can't otherwise. That should be punished?

I feel like we are saying people should avoid making friends on the forum or else other people will feel left out. That is kind of cruel to my mind.

Also what makes you think ppl who talk to eachother on the forum are comfortable enough to pm or message or IM outside the forum? That is actually not the case much of the time.

 

[Waybuloo]

I see you refuse to see the point for the people who can't socialise.

If you have your banter on the visitor's page, or in the PMs, that's not classified as avoiding making friends. I feel that I share the same view point with some people who have social anxiety, but isn't this site supposed to help people with social anxiety? I have had replies agreeing with me in a previous thread a long time ago, and I have also talked to fellow SA'ers who think the same.

 

[Pookah]

I have SA and autism you realize. You are preaching to the choir. I only figured out how to socialize at all via the internet. And that has taken years. So this thread is making many users feel attacked for having dared to make any progress.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

While I try to express a "love everybody" mentality, I will often say it then act differently. This usually becomes not saying anything and avoiding eye contact; on the internet this usually manifests as me not getting too involved in any thread or user. However, like many others, closeness is what I really want. It's like my personality has an exoskeleton. A damn strong one too.

The thing about behaviors is that they can predict attitudes, but attitudes can't necessarily predict behavior. So while I try to love everyone and treat everyone the same, that is pretty much impossible. It is natural to give what you are comfortable with more of your time. I can't really say what the right thing to do would be because I don't have a clue. My best, and most frustrating, answer would be to try your best. Believe me, I wish I could say something more concrete, this is what gets my mind going in loops (What is my best? Why aren't I doing it? Is this my best? How do I make my best better? etc...)

Because I haven't allowed myself to get too close to anyone on this site I don't often feel comfortable posting anything anywhere. But I do because I hope that if I can get myself out there online and deal with whatever events/feelings that come from that I might also be able to do it in real life. My idea of freedom is being able to say what is on my mind, no mater how stupid it may sound, and not caring what others think. It is accepting myself including all my flaws and my ability to fix some of them.

This is why I started a journal thread. I can write whatever I want and don't have to worry about a continuing conversation, getting in the way, or saying something stupid. The downside is I don't get to know anyone. Every time I post in my journal I get anxious because I know that it will jump to the top of the home page and I know people might read it and judge me in some way. Yet at the same time I fear that no one else will post in it even though I'm not sure what I would do getting caught up in a conversation. Chances are I would spend too long coming back and posting that the other person would get disinterested and stop coming back. But then again, that is just the type of thought I have to keep me away from people.

I also fear posting in my journal because it feels like I am not helping anyone, therefore I am being selfish. It feels like I'm showcasing my egotism. I know this isn't necessarily true, but it's something I haven't been able to shake yet. I feel the same way about this post. Even though the instructions were to "feel free", I still feel like I am doing something wrong by centering my post on myself.

I often fear I ignore people, but I feel ignored myself just as much. Perhaps neither of these things are true and perhaps both are. I would certainly prefer the former, but then again I would probably come up with some twisted logic to make myself not believe it.

 

[Waybuloo]

I have SA and autism you realize. You are preaching to the choir. I only figured out how to socialize at all via the internet. And that has taken years. So this thread is making many users feel attacked for having dared to make any progress.

And will those users please stand up instead of talking through you?

 

[Waybuloo]

While I try to express a "love everybody" mentality, I will often say it then act differently. This usually becomes not saying anything and avoiding eye contact; on the internet this usually manifests as me not getting too involved in any thread or user. However, like many others, closeness is what I really want. It's like my personality has an exoskeleton. A damn strong one too.

The thing about behaviors is that they can predict attitudes, but attitudes can't necessarily predict behavior. So while I try to love everyone and treat everyone the same, that is pretty much impossible. It is natural to give what you are comfortable with more of your time. I can't really say what the right thing to do would be because I don't have a clue. My best, and most frustrating, answer would be to try your best. Believe me, I wish I could say something more concrete, this is what gets my mind going in loops (What is my best? Why aren't I doing it? Is this my best? How do I make my best better? etc...)

Because I haven't allowed myself to get too close to anyone on this site I don't often feel comfortable posting anything anywhere. But I do because I hope that if I can get myself out there online and deal with whatever events/feelings that come from that I might also be able to do it in real life. My idea of freedom is being able to say what is on my mind, no mater how stupid it may sound, and not caring what others think. It is accepting myself including all my flaws and my ability to fix some of them.

This is why I started a journal thread. I can write whatever I want and don't have to worry about a continuing conversation, getting in the way, or saying something stupid. The downside is I don't get to know anyone. Every time I post in my journal I get anxious because I know that it will jump to the top of the home page and I know people might read it and judge me in some way. Yet at the same time I fear that no one else will post in it even though I'm not sure what I would do getting caught up in a conversation. Chances are I would spend too long coming back and posting that the other person would get disinterested and stop coming back. But then again, that is just the type of thought I have to keep me away from people.

I also fear posting in my journal because it feels like I am not helping anyone, therefore I am being selfish. It feels like I'm showcasing my egotism. I know this isn't necessarily true, but it's something I haven't been able to shake yet. I feel the same way about this post. Even though the instructions were to "feel free", I still feel like I am doing something wrong by centering my post on myself.

I often fear I ignore people, but I feel ignored myself just as much. Perhaps neither of these things are true and perhaps both are. I would certainly prefer the former, but then again I would probably come up with some twisted logic to make myself not believe it.

I don't really think you are the type to hijack a thread. I don't remember seeing this activity from you at all.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I feel attacked.
I also received messages from 3 other users who were feeling the same way when this thread was started.
I've removed myself from the situation so that I can remain impartial as a moderator.

 

[Pookah]

If you feel attacked and have SA/anxiety, you might not come to this thread to reply. I could be wrong?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

perhaps Remus' suggestion of taking personal and chatty remarks to a more private channel so as not to make others feel excluded. Sure you are telling your side of the story, but perhaps consider how people feel on the other side. You have had your social needs met, but other people feel even worse, when the very place from which they seek support alienate them even more. Please consider this as a special case because this is for people with social anxiety.

I do not think this could be plausibly enforced, nor do I think it reasonable. Personal and chatty remarks are how people make friends here and are how support is often given to begin with. I think that discouraging any friendly behavior on a support site goes against the whole idea.

I see your point about how some amount of social skill helps a poster in making friends and thus getting support, but I see no better idea for anyone than to learn through trial and error. I've certainly made my share of painful social errors.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I feel attacked.
I also received messages from 3 other users who were feeling the same way when this thread was started.
I've removed myself from the situation so that I can remain impartial as a moderator.

For the record I did feel like this was targeting me at first, if only one of several.

On the other hand this has been a very interesting tread to read through.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

And will those users please stand up instead of talking through you?

Uncalled for. Many ppl were saying what Pookah said including me. Let's not make this personal please.

This is two issues here - what Remus said, being more aware we can unintentionally come off exclusive and forget the struggle it took for many ppl to communicate and make friends here vs. ppl who communicate and have friends DONT have SA like others and are intentionally screwing other members and excluding them and should be chastised somehow.

This site is a support site but the nature of it is wht we come here what we lack in RL - ppl form bonds and make friends, that isn't to be shamed. Some ppl have easier time, many don't, we can't view it as an us vs. them which is the divisiveness that doesn't help anything. Just making EVERYONE feel bad that's not how to have a good respectful dialogue and loses sight of the good that can come out of these issues. This is already making some us vs. them kind of thing that's EXACTLY what we can't do here... ugh.

 

[Waybuloo]

I do not think this could be plausibly enforced, nor do I think it reasonable. Personal and chatty remarks are how people make friends here and are how support is often given to begin with. I think that discouraging any friendly behavior on a support site goes against the whole idea.

I see your point about how some amount of social skill help a poster in making friends and thus getting support, but I see no better idea for anyone than to learn through trial and error. I've certainly made my share of painful social errors.

So you don't think we should be easier toward people who lack social skills and/or confidence, that they should blindly mooch in the dark, like in the real world? Then this site offers no real advantage or support other than information.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I don't really think you are the type to hijack a thread. I don't remember seeing this activity from you at all.

Thank you, that is good to hear. I'm glad I got that out anyways, it's the most organized my thoughts have been in a while.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

One last thing I will say...

How do you create conversation between two sides if one does not actively participate?
It takes effort both ways- give and take. Nothing can be all give or all take.
There's a middle ground for everything and that is where people with SA should meet.

It takes practice.
More for some than others - but that is why this place is here.

 

[vj288]

I think one of the greatest assets of this site is giving it's users a feeling of community.

When going to therapy, for many it takes many visits before they are able to open up and make progress with said therapist. A relationship that allows the person to trust and feel at ease is needed before talking opening about their issues and ways to solve or cope with them.

This sites dynamic isn't so different than that. Being open and social with other members on the forum puts many of us at ease, and more willing to open up. Seeing the friendly, positive interactions between members hopefully encourages others to join in as well. No one is trying to exclude anyone, but at the same time people do not warm up to one another instantaneously.

This is not the only SA forum out there. SAS is another option, I haven't used it but it's much bigger than this one and I would guess feeling excluded would be less of an issue there.

 

[vexatiousmind]

I think it is funny that some people said that they felt attacked, then go and attack other members for being more active on the site, and for having online friends.


Don't be a hater.

 

[Waybuloo]

Uncalled for. Many ppl were saying what Pookah said including me. Let's not make this personal please.

This is two issues here - what Remus said, being more aware we can unintentionally come off exclusive and forget the struggle it took for many ppl to communicate and make friends here vs. ppl who communicate and have friends DONT have SA like others and are intentionally screwing other members and excluding them and should be chastised somehow.

This site is a support site but the nature of it is wht we come here what we lack in RL - ppl form bonds and make friends, that isn't to be shamed. Some ppl have easier time, many don't, we can't view it as an us vs. them which is the divisiveness that doesn't help anything. Just making EVERYONE feel bad that's not how to have a good respectful dialogue and loses sight of the good that can come out of these issues.

What do you mean uncalled for? Pookah said many people felt like she did, but there was no evidence. I was asking could these many people talk on their own behalf and not get her to post here.

Are you saying that people who feel socially excluded should deal with it themselves? Unfortunately people do feel that it's us against them because of the social division that is created by inclusion/exclusion frequently displayed. Sometimes all you see on a thread is one joke after another between two people. Are you saying i'm not being respectful? Why are you saying a thing like that for ?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

So you don't think we should be easier toward people who lack social skills and/or confidence, that they should blindly mooch in the dark, like in the real world? Then this site offers no real advantage or support other than information.

When I have the 'social energy', I've often made the effort to talk to newbies on here, or to try to be helpful or give advice to people who lack confidence; are clearly awkward, etc. I have seen many other people do the same. I do not think everyone should be required to. I myself was not always in a position to be able to do such. Not everyone can, or knows how--we are all patients here, not doctors. In many cases this is the blind leading the blind. The mod team is pretty good (a LOT better than many places I've seen) about keeping people from being mean to each other, and on the whole this is a pretty friendly place, but you may be expecting things from this place that no support forum could give.

 

[vexatiousmind]

When I have the 'social energy', I've often made the effort to talk to newbies on here, or to try to be helpful or give advice to people who lack confidence; are clearly awkward, etc. I have seen many other people do the same. I do not think everyone should be required to. I myself was not always in a position to be able to do such. Not everyone can, or knows how--we are all patients here, not doctors. In many cases this is the blind leading the blind. The mod team is pretty good (a LOT better than many places I've seen) about keeping people from being mean to each other, and on the whole this is a pretty friendly place, but you may be expecting things from this place that no support forum could give.

^^^^^this.

 

[Waybuloo]

When I have the 'social energy', I've often made the effort to talk to newbies on here, or to try to be helpful or give advice to people who lack confidence; are clearly awkward, etc. I have seen many other people do the same. I do not think everyone should be required to. I myself was not always in a position to be able to do such. Not everyone can, or knows how--we are all patients here, not doctors. In many cases this is the blind leading the blind. The mod team is pretty good (a LOT better than many places I've seen) about keeping people from being mean to each other, and on the whole this is a pretty friendly place, but you may be expecting things from this place that no support forum could give.

Maybe, but it's not just me who is dismayed. So in the meantime, all anyone can do is to either leave the forum or try and deal with it I guess, like all their other life problems. It seems it's impossible to change the status quo.