Ugliness

[Sinar_Matahari]

Yeah but even though we feel like we want to be with this particular attractive woman, let's just say we're already on date...I've always have this fear that some strangers will say: 'OMG, look at that ****ing ugly guy with this beautiful chick...'

(you can see the judgemental eyes from others like you don't deserves any of it, it's pretty hard for your confidence)

It's tough!

In my opinion, rarely does one see a good looking woman with a man who is equally as good looking. A bartender once told me that it's difficult for a man to have a beautiful wife. I believe that it's all up to the man.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

The point is that the ones who do put their pictures up invariably say that they are ugly. Many of the pictures are taken down shortly afterwards, but the comments by others about their attractiveness remain, contradicting the person's own opinions. If they say they are ugly, even though they are not, then that suggests they are suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). Hence there is a high comorbidity between social phobia and BDD. There have been threads made about this.

I wouldn't say that it suggests that they are suffering from BDD. There is a difference between being unhappy with one's appearance and BDD. We find others attractive or unattractive, why can't we simply just find ourselves unattractive and leave it at that?

 

[killertubbie]

In my opinion, rarely does one see a good looking woman with a man who is equally as good looking. A bartender once told me that it's difficult for a man to have a beautiful wife. I believe that it's all up to the man.

I guess that's hope! There's a small opening for any men out there! You just have to get through this tiny opening. Easier said than done.

But many men who fears approaching women has approach anxiety There are many reasons for that:

- We don't want to be judged by others
- Social skills is not so great or lousy
- Social status is not great
- Fears of rejections
- Fears of being involved in some awkward silence (running out of things to say)
- Financial struggle
- Fears that the woman will find you damn ugly that you find yourself laughable in front of everyone

I don't want to generalize but I guess women are judging a lot about your social status and your plans for the future than your appearance. If your future is uncertain or jobless, forget the dating world for now. You have to work on yourself first.

If you get rejected, redeeming yourself from that woman is really hard almost impossible!

 

[coyote]

...But many men who fears approaching women has approach anxiety There are many reasons for that...

my biggest fear is that my girlfriend will find out

this tends to hold me back somewhat

as the saying goes, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

 

[killertubbie]

my biggest fear is that my girlfriend will find out

this tends to hold me back somewhat

as the saying goes, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

But she's already your g/f, she's not going to throw away your relationship just because she'll find out, this anxiety is common to many men and it is normal for the newbies.

It's kinda natural to have this anxiety and even the best of the best tends to feel these on and off when not in the mood. It's not a heavy mental disease.

 

[coyote]

But she's already your g/f, she's not going to throw away your relationship just because she'll find out, this anxiety is common to many men and it is normal for the newbies.

It's kinda natural to have this anxiety and even the best of the best tends to feel these on and off when not in the mood. It's not a heavy mental disease.

what I meant was....

the fear of my girlfriend finding out

makes me anxious about approaching other women

 

[deleted user 1]

Attractiveness definitely comes into the equation. I know this first from first hand experience. I am definitely not attractive, I have been told so ad nauseum. It has affected how people respond to me. I can see it straight away, how they can talk down to me and are generally very negative towards me. People always like to reiterate the cliche that looks do not matter, that in the end it's all subjective, that your personality is what is most important. Yet time and again, when that snap decision needs to be made, who wins the contest with near impunity? You guessed it. We'd all like to think that this is not true, that we are above such thinking, but it's not the case in practice. I'm not here to attack people who argue the converse view, but I find it offensive to spout cliches which are disproven emphatically on a daily basis, ideas which conflict with every observable facet of everyday life! We need to stop kidding ourselves. And those who consider themselves "ugly", but who are in fact considered normal, do not count in this, as their view is held by themselves alone. Whereas people such as myself experience the reality.

 

[Minty]

I think that people who have anxiety have it because they obsess over their own self-perceived flaws. And every single human being on the face of this planet is riddled with flaws, even the drop dead gorgeous ones.

What we don't realize, or fail to accept, is that perfection is a flaw.

 

[JamesSmith]

I've had a very crummy life and I'm not that bad looking, so looks can't matter too much if you already have SAD. I can't speak for women, but I can tell you as a guy that if you have bad SAD it doesn't matter much what you look like because you won't be going out often and won't be around people as much as someone without SAD. I could see how being ugly could bring on more SA, that seems like it would be possible. It's kind of similar to being overweight, which could also make you more self-conscious.

If anything, what i look like has bothered me more than anything because I know that if I didn't have SAD that I would have had more women to talk to and date. I have felt like I am wasting a gift in the past. Now, I don't really think about it as much. Maybe I've just gotten more used to this is how things are. It's not like I chose what I look like.

 

[MrShyGuy26]

I do believe that looks do factor into SA. Though I am a firm believer that your character and personality is most important, I've come to understand that good looks give you that extra window of opportunity then most in social situations. From my experience I've seen that many women go for looks first, and then check out the personality after. The only way an "unattractive" guy can overcome this cycle is to break through with an excellent personality.

I do not consider myself attractive, and I remember a night a few years back when my brother and I went out to see a movie with some friends. My brother and his friends were more attractive then myself and more outgoing also. I'll never forget walking out of the theater when to my right there were about 5 attractive girls waiting in line to go inside. I was closest to them, and my brother and his friends were to my left. The girls literally overlooked me and started flirting with my brother and his friends. It was like I didn't exist. The sad part was that I had expected it. I had faced this situation enough to be able to brace for the cold shoulder. That's why I had avoided going out in public up to that point.

I feel that my unattractiveness makes it harder for me to overcome SA.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

In my case, yes my perception of myself as ugly has contributed largely to the situation I'm in right now (I wouldn't call it SA, maybe a somewhat lighter form). As long as I can think back I've considered myself as inferior to other people because of my looks. This inferior feeling was so strong that I tried to avoid contact to other people as good as possible and thus made me the rather unsocial person I consider myself to be now.

But it is not the ugliness, just what I made of it. So I think ugliness can contribute to SA but charaktar counts much more. I mean nobody or nothing forced me to link my looks with the feeling of inferiortity. I'm trying hard to unlearn this connection right now.

Regard Seeker

 

[Falkor]

I think this sure has something to do with my anxiety. I'm obsessive over my appearance so I agree it has something to do with your own self image.
I don't think this is the case for all SA people, but for me it is related with it.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

what I meant was....

the fear of my girlfriend finding out

makes me anxious about approaching other women

LOL Coyotes and dogs are of the same family, no? The Canidae family, was it?

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I guess that's hope! There's a small opening for any men out there! You just have to get through this tiny opening. Easier said than done.

But many men who fears approaching women has approach anxiety There are many reasons for that:

- We don't want to be judged by others
- Social skills is not so great or lousy
- Social status is not great
- Fears of rejections
- Fears of being involved in some awkward silence (running out of things to say)
- Financial struggle
- Fears that the woman will find you damn ugly that you find yourself laughable in front of everyone

I don't want to generalize but I guess women are judging a lot about your social status and your plans for the future than your appearance. If your future is uncertain or jobless, forget the dating world for now. You have to work on yourself first.

If you get rejected, redeeming yourself from that woman is really hard almost impossible!

I'm not saying that women are worth less than dirt, but you seriously put too much importance on what women may think of you. Why don't you start putting equal importance of what/how you might think of a potential mate?

Personally, I don't care about social status and I don't care for a man's plans for the future unless those plans include me. Some women do judge based on those things. The question is: are those the kind of women you're trying to attract? If so, there is nothing wrong with it, but you have to work on quite a few things before you can do that. Even if you find women who could care less about social status/future plans, you still have to put in effort just perhaps in different aspects. If you get rejected by one woman, move on. There are too many other women out there for you to worry about that one.
That being said, work on becoming the kind of man that will make you happy. Concentrate on that and the rest will fall into place eventually.

 

[Social_Monstrosity]

Yes, I feel disgustingly unattractive 90% of the time.

I'm sure it has largely contributed to my SAD and if I was very attractive and satisfied with my appearance, the majority of my anxiety would pacify.

 

[DanFC]

Ugliness definitely has contributed to my SA. I don't think it caused it, but it's maintained it over the years. So many times I've had a sudden burst of courage to ask someone out or to go out to a bar or club, but then I take one look in the mirror or remember what I look like and think "nope, that's not going to happen". And so many times I've shirked conversations because I feared that person would look at me and be disgusted by me.

So if you think your SA is bad without being ugly, it definitely is more difficult with being ugly. It intensifies what you already have and traps you.

 

[X-Rated]

WOW so many replies

On Topic:
I didn't say that ugliness alone can cause SA....I said that ugliness can indirectly contribute to your , for example if you have SA and you're also ugly(or consider urslef that way) it can become worse.
In a perfect world we wouldn't have to care if we were ugly or not , because basically ugliness represents other people perceptions about you, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're ugly if someone calls you like because everyone is beautiful in their own way. We wouldn't have to care because we shouldn't give a f*ck about others opinion.That's the mentality that successful and respected people have. Unfortunately,for an SAer it's nearly impossible to have because NOT having this attitude is basically the root of all problems.
And yes, I know that physical appearance plays a small and superficial role in our life, that personalities and brain matter more. It's true, BUT when you're young beauty is what matters most. Unfortunately, i'm young and ugly....

 

[GoBlue72]

Some great posts here. Hopefully, they've been helpful to others and offered various points of view. I have just a few things to add on the topic:

1. Ugliness is way overused I think. Although children frequently use it to describe people, I think as we get older it should only be used to refer to someone's motives, personality, etc. Their physical appearance might not be perfect, but describing them as ugly is too black and white for me.

2. I think attractive men and women in general do have the advantage of at least getting their foot in the door to meeting people and having more opportunities given to them. But long term, they will eventually need something deeper. I agree with the sentiments about this topic. I think "attractive" men and women with BDD/SA/low self-esteem are in a similar boat, in that they may have more opportunities like above. However, they may eventually be limited due to their own insecurities and social problems.

3. On the other hand,I think a man or woman perceived as "less attractive" with HIGH self-esteem and/or money, power will fare better in the long term by taking more chances with asking people out on dates and being more comfortable with themselves until people get to know them beyond their looks. And I think the "less attractive" men and women with BDD/SA/low self-esteem face the toughest battle, due to the "double whammy" of having body-issues, etc and also not having the frequent compliments and general feedback of "looking hot".

Bottom line, no matter where you fall on the continuum, you have the choice of doing what you can to improve your situation. It will likely be more difficult as you face more issues, but the increase in confidence can only help.

 

[deleted user 1]

Some great posts here. Hopefully, they've been helpful to others and offered various points of view. I have just a few things to add on the topic:

1. Ugliness is way overused I think. Although children frequently use it to describe people, I think as we get older it should only be used to refer to someone's motives, personality, etc. Their physical appearance might not be perfect, but describing them as ugly is too black and white for me.

2. I think attractive men and women in general do have the advantage of at least getting their foot in the door to meeting people and having more opportunities given to them. But long term, they will eventually need something deeper. I agree with the sentiments about this topic. I think "attractive" men and women with BDD/SA/low self-esteem are in a similar boat, in that they may have more opportunities like above. However, they may eventually be limited due to their own insecurities and social problems.

3. On the other hand,I think a man or woman perceived as "less attractive" with HIGH self-esteem and/or money, power will fare better in the long term by taking more chances with asking people out on dates and being more comfortable with themselves until people get to know them beyond their looks. And I think the "less attractive" men and women with BDD/SA/low self-esteem face the toughest battle, due to the "double whammy" of having body-issues, etc and also not having the frequent compliments and general feedback of "looking hot".

Bottom line, no matter where you fall on the continuum, you have the choice of doing what you can to improve your situation. It will likely be more difficult as you face more issues, but the increase in confidence can only help.

I have a big problem with that line of thinking. Having observed pop culture and it's influences over the decades, I cannot believe this to be true. The masses follow what "attractive" celebs do regardless of whether it's right or wrong because of the glamorous aesthetics. That's the bottom line, I have witnessed how attractive people, for the most part, get away with having ugly personalities. When attractive, everything you say is funny, insightful, credible and when you act badly towards others, most people will overlook it or endure it. Those deemed ugly have an uphill battle from start to finish, like a tug-a-war battle, struggling for those precious inches, and the slight laps results in a net loss. It's a genuine struggle that wears you down, as not everyone will be willing to see your personality, they will not notice whether or not you are good to them, in fact, they will be more likely to use you and string you along. There are those who will disagree with me, that's more than welcome, but for these reasons I cannot agree with this.

 

[Kiwong]

In my teens I complained about how I lookend and my mum said to me. "There's nothing wrong with you."

You know what? I realise she was right. My problems stemmed from my attitude to myself.