TreeBones
Well-known member
I've decided to start this journal because, of late, I desperately need to vent, and have no one to vent to.(including my family, their not the touchy, feely, sharing type) Plus I feel comfortable knowing the internet is like a curtain I can hide behind so my privacy doesn't feel invaded at all, which is nice.
This morning I worked up the courage to do the one thing I've been avoiding for weeks, which was to call my dad and apologize to him for leaving. And taking his car. (Which is returned by the way) I called him at 4:30, which seems like an inconvenient time but I happen to know he's up and watching shop nbc every morning.
We talked for nearly an hour and all I got from it is that he's still very disappointed. It was important for me to let him know, that I know, I was wrong and very sorry but he just wasn't getting it. I also tried to explain my feelings (which is very hard for me to do, especially with family, I just feel the respect dwindling by the minute) about getting attached to people and being afraid (which is why I left in the first place) and he again, didn't understand. He kind of threw everything back in my face saying things like, you're selfish, no drugs or therapist is going to help you, you have to and that you just need to force yourself to do things you don't want to do, which is what I always do, it's the story of my life. Anyway many more minutes of lecturing later, I said that's all I had to say and he gave a cold goodbye like have a nice life, or at least that's the way I interpreted it. It was all very new to me and I'm still confused.
After that I started feeling so depressed and ashamed I had myself a sob party, the kind where you lock yourself in a dark room in the fetal position with your "crying songs" playing really loud and babbling things to yourself like God's name over and over again for some reason. ( I hope somebody knows what I'm talking about otherwise this would be really embarrassing lol)
...I'm feeling a bit better now, plus my mom's coming home today so that gives me reason to perk up because I don't want to put her in a bad mood. I just hope I learn from this and that I will bounce back soon.
This morning I worked up the courage to do the one thing I've been avoiding for weeks, which was to call my dad and apologize to him for leaving. And taking his car. (Which is returned by the way) I called him at 4:30, which seems like an inconvenient time but I happen to know he's up and watching shop nbc every morning.
We talked for nearly an hour and all I got from it is that he's still very disappointed. It was important for me to let him know, that I know, I was wrong and very sorry but he just wasn't getting it. I also tried to explain my feelings (which is very hard for me to do, especially with family, I just feel the respect dwindling by the minute) about getting attached to people and being afraid (which is why I left in the first place) and he again, didn't understand. He kind of threw everything back in my face saying things like, you're selfish, no drugs or therapist is going to help you, you have to and that you just need to force yourself to do things you don't want to do, which is what I always do, it's the story of my life. Anyway many more minutes of lecturing later, I said that's all I had to say and he gave a cold goodbye like have a nice life, or at least that's the way I interpreted it. It was all very new to me and I'm still confused.
After that I started feeling so depressed and ashamed I had myself a sob party, the kind where you lock yourself in a dark room in the fetal position with your "crying songs" playing really loud and babbling things to yourself like God's name over and over again for some reason. ( I hope somebody knows what I'm talking about otherwise this would be really embarrassing lol)
...I'm feeling a bit better now, plus my mom's coming home today so that gives me reason to perk up because I don't want to put her in a bad mood. I just hope I learn from this and that I will bounce back soon.