First of all the art museum went well, there were some old paintings I liked but they didn't really do anything for me as much. This one artist, Beth Cavener Stichter had a couple pieces there I really liked, they were thought provoking, beautiful, interesting, and while not intended, shocking... Kind of disturbing, but I like that in art, in all kinds of art. I don't really have a filter when it comes to things like art or music.
I just got back from my dad's house and before I went there I was nervous and I literally had a dream that I was skipping school and my dad was looking for me everywhere with this pretty disappointing disposition. Of course he wasn't actually like that when I got there, it was a very nice visit. I still feel like a disappointment but I'm going to try really hard to do something to change that. I felt so bad when they went to the mall (I didn't go because I always run into people I use to know at that mall and I definitely wasn't prepared for that) and he was buying me things when he just gave me money, I really don't deserve any of it. There was a lot of hugging going on between everyone also and I really just wanted to gag ... I don't want to feel that way but I just do, only with family really... I think it's because I'm not use to anyone loving me or showing affection from a young age so now it feels, uck.
When I was at my dad's I had this lingering lazy feeling, lazy pertaining to life in general, of how much I'm not doing.. or how much I'm not living, I don't know. I was up late one of the nights in my old room cleaning it out and I found my h.s.e.d. practice book that I left there. I did on of the writing practice tests just to see what my score would be and I got 6 wrong out of 25!!! I felt so dumb. Writing it supposed to be the easiest subject, or at least for me. This whole time I thought I was still somewhat on the same page with kids in my grade ... I didn't even want to take the other tests after that, hahaha ... I guess it's a good thing I took that test anyway though because it motivated me a bit.
In the town my dad lives in there is a beautiful cemetery with really old tombstones and a few mausoleums here and there, it goes all the way back into a big wooded area. When I was little and bad things were happening at home like my mom getting drunk, fighting, someone trying to hurt me, yelling or any of that crap, I would go there and pretend that I was going on an adventure. I wasn't even hungry, but I would pack some bread in a knapsack just so I could be like the people in the movies, it makes me laugh so hard thinking about it because I must of looked really silly (the knapsack kept falling off the stick too
) When I got there it was usually dark but not completely because of all the reflectors on the tombstones, they shined all different kinds of colors and it reminded me of Christmas. I thought it was magical when I was younger, it was peaceful. I looked up at the stars and eventually fell asleep, I ate the bread for breakfast and returned home like "mission complete". (what my mission was, I have no idea. haha. That probably seems like a really creppy thing to convey to anyone but creepy is my happy sometimes. I still go there to this day but it's not so magical anymore now that I actually know someone who's there. I still enjoy myself but it's just a firm reminder that we are all going to die and how much I'm wasting life. I'm not afraid of dying as much as life .. I don't want to die empty knowing my life meant virtually nothing. It's just I don't know which philosophy to take on sometimes, there's this "keep being positive, it will get better" cat poster one and then there's this " Life is just the way it is, nothing is going to change, accept it" one. I'm usually caught between the two. I don't want to fool myself but on the other hand if you don't have hope how could anything get better?. ... I don't know... ..I don't know how this got all deep all the sudden... I type what I think I guess, sorry for this random rant.. I just still can't figure out how knowing the fact that we are going to die can't motivate us to, live. .. or me, at least. I don't know..
I keep rambling on about how I'm not doing anything, so I'm going to try to keep that small amount of motivation and channel it into something productive for my life.
I'm sorry about the rant.. but anyways just some food for thought I guess.
Pain of Salvation - Dryad of the Woods - YouTube
