Tortured by something incredibly stupid

[userremoved]

Well, the last few days, I figured out that arguements (even the minor ones) caused me more stress than I thought they would...So dating probably may end up causing some nasty damage to me...Are relationships like that? Are they really one arguement per day, and stress for the entire length of it?

Well I can't really speak from personal experience but my parents hardly ever really fight about things. They disagree a lot but not really argue. I guess it depends on the people in the relationship.

 

[A friend]

Is all that trying, hard-work, disagreeing, looking (misc.) really worth of all of the strain/stress?

 

[Feathers]

Not good advice for the home-bound agoraphobics. Pretty sure love isn't going to break into their homes to snatch them up.

If love does break in (or at least comes in unexpected unnannounced visitors!! be sure to be dressed well & smell right!! I mean at least clean, uhm!! lol at least on Sundays or such??

 

[userremoved]

Is all that trying, hard-work, disagreeing, looking (misc.) really worth of all of the strain/stress?

If you really want it then yeah, if you don't want it then no.

 

[Feathers]

Is all that trying, hard-work, disagreeing, looking (misc.) really worth of all of the strain/stress?

Well, from what you write in this thread, it seems like you might have a fear of criticism and arguments - it's okay, many people on this forum have it (me too) - also check if you could recognize any traits of AvPD or 'avoidant syndrome', there's a sub-forum too.. I've never heard of it before I came here..

Actually, a good idea may be to learn how to deal with criticism (both giving it and taking it - I know, easier said and done!!) and work on it.. also, on how to express differring opinions in constructive ways.. you can learn these things.. I've read a lot of books on it (and still occasionally have messed up).. sometimes, misunderstandings can happen.. It's not easy to give constructive ideas instead of what can be perceived as 'criticism'..
There are books on effective communication and dealing with criticism, courses too..

If you are looking for a 'perfect girl' I'm not sure if you'll ever find her.. Girls are human and have mistakes and flaws too..

If you expect a relationship where you'll never quarrel or disagree.. well, what if you both agree on something unwise or dangerous? Isn't it better that you both have own minds and discuss it and maybe find a third, better, win-win solution?

You can also decide it's not worth the hard work, and then remain happily single
I sometimes wonder myself...

Ideally, you'd find someone compatible enough that they like & adore the real YOU, and adore or admire your hobbies and personality, or at least endure lol You don't want someone who is too different, or who hates something you like (unless you like quarrelling about it or teasing her about it..)

For some people, quarrells are also sort of 'envigorating' and they can even get 'addicted' to them.. (It's been said for people with ADD and possibly for others too..) So get to know someone well before comitting to them and a relationship with them..

 

[A friend]

Well, from what you write in this thread, it seems like you might have a fear of criticism and arguments - it's okay, many people on this forum have it (me too) - also check if you could recognize any traits of AvPD or 'avoidant syndrome', there's a sub-forum too.. I've never heard of it before I came here..

I fear the two mainly because of what it did to me the first few times (they gave me a seizure on one occasion).

Actually, a good idea may be to learn how to deal with criticism (both giving it and taking it - I know, easier said and done!!) and work on it.. also, on how to express differring opinions in constructive ways.. you can learn these things.. I've read a lot of books on it (and still occasionally have messed up).. sometimes, misunderstandings can happen.. It's not easy to give constructive ideas instead of what can be perceived as 'criticism'..
There are books on effective communication and dealing with criticism, courses too..

If you are looking for a 'perfect girl' I'm not sure if you'll ever find her.. Girls are human and have mistakes and flaws too..

In school, I really, really, would have doubted that they are, because most of them treated me like a was responsible for all of their pain in life. They were actually the only ones who really gave me problems.

The weird part was that I didn't say much to them. This probably contributed to the forever single mentality.

If you expect a relationship where you'll never quarrel or disagree.. well, what if you both agree on something unwise or dangerous?

I'm not stupid.

Isn't it better that you both have own minds and discuss it and maybe find a third, better, win-win solution?

There's no point in dating and marriage if both are one person, and not two seperate individuals.

You can also decide it's not worth the hard work, and then remain happily single
I sometimes wonder myself...

Why?

Ideally, you'd find someone compatible enough that they like & adore the real YOU, and adore or admire your hobbies and personality, or at least endure lol You don't want someone who is too different, or who hates something you like (unless you like quarrelling about it or teasing her about it..)



For some people, quarrells are also sort of 'envigorating' and they can even get 'addicted' to them.. (It's been said for people with ADD and possibly for others too..)

That's what got my dad depressed for 17 years.

So get to know someone well before comitting to them and a relationship with them..

Thanks for the helping!

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

If you only knew the incredibly stupid things that get to me, you'd realize that your worries are anything but stupid.

 

[JamesSmith]

I agree with the comment about how relationships consist of a lot of arguments. My parents have been together for years, and about half their conversations are arguments. It's bad enough I have to live at my parents house a 26 years of age, but then I have to listen to two people go at it everyday arguing about the pettiest stuff I've ever heard. They make a big deal out of everything.

I do get that all relationships aren't constant arguments, but from what I've seen most are. I've noticed is all it takes is one person in a relationship to have the disagreeable mentality to create a relationship of arguments. The worst is when both partners are disagreeing, instigating control freaks. From what I've seen, it doesn't look like I'm missing out too much considering I'm single.

 

[Feathers]

I fear the two mainly because of what it did to me the first few times (they gave me a seizure on one occasion).

oh gosh - heart attack or epilepsy? Stress can trigger some bad things, yup.. It's not the only thing responsible for any problems... other factors are involved too..
The key is working on RELAXATION - eg walks every day, healthy nutrition.. so you are fit & healthy and don't react to stress so easily.. (I've started going for a walk every day again, to deal with stress and have more energy..)
And it's good to work on response to such things, maybe with CBT, or EFT or TAT, or the books/courses mentioned or counselling - it's not easy to view it differently.. There are ways to change your thinking/response to criticism or such.. If you thought, 'Ah this poor person doesn't know what they're doing due to severe illness/loss of child/relative/extreme fear or has only 2 days to live,' would you still react the same?

My dad was highly critical and 'annoying' mid-holidays, turned out he dreamt he'd die in 2010!! So he was making such a fuss (over insignificant things!!) cause he thought he was going to die!!
(He's alive and well still!!)

Some people may be miserable and pain, or worried about something, and instead of saying it out, they may just nag other people or nitpick 'insignificant' things, sometimes..

In school, I really, really, would have doubted that they are, because most of them treated me like a was responsible for all of their pain in life. They were actually the only ones who really gave me problems.

hm, so girls that were classmates gave you problems? maybe you were just handy to 'unload' or you listened sympathetically or didn't escape fast enough?

The weird part was that I didn't say much to them. This probably contributed to the forever single mentality.

What if one or a few of them had a crush on you and just had a weird way of showing it?? Or you reminded them of a younger brother or something?
Kids grow up you know!! (And small kids can do or say some pretty cruel or stupid things, yup. Even some high school kids. Hopefully they grow up and learn better!! hm, maybe some don't - which would account for many things..)

I'm not stupid.

Nobody said you were. Smart people can have irrational fears or thoughts too. (Sometimes smart people can have even more irrational fears or thoughts, because they have more thoughts and a big imagination.) Or people may be misinformed, even sometimes by experts or people close to them or the media etc. Smart people can do or say stupid things too, sometimes not intentionally, just by accident or while meaning to do good or something.. (yours truly included)
It took intelligent people to make many things that would be better off uninvented, I don't think 'not smart' people could've accomplished things like that..

There's no point in dating and marriage if both are one person, and not two seperate individuals.

That's kind of what I meant. People can have 2 different opinions, and both can be 'right', while a decision needs to be made.
It's important to be assertive and be respectful to other people's opinion too.. And maybe together something even better can be created..

Why

Not sure what you mean, lol. Why I wonder? My parents have quarrelled a lot. I heard that kids whose parents have quarrelled a lot may be more reluctant to marry and may marry later or not at all..

I've often worried I'd quarrel with a partner/husband too.. (I have a temper ha ha..) and if we didn't quarrel, it might be even worse - quiet hidden resentment has sometimes caused even more marriages to break up.. ('We were perfect until s/he left' or such..)
So, I don't know if I'll ever meet someone who will be okay with all my imperfections, and I with his

That's what got my dad depressed for 17 years.

The quarrells? Does your mom have ADD?

Thanks for the helping!

You're welcome!

 

[A friend]

The quarrells? Does your mom have ADD?

No...My mom is bi-polar, and she and my dad got divorced 4 years ago...

You're welcome!

 

[Feathers]

No...My mom is bi-polar, and she and my dad got divorced 4 years ago...

Ohh, sorry to hear about it... My folks are still together, somewhat happily so, despite the arguments and quarrels.. (Sometimes I have wondered if they wouldn't be better off apart, but they say no!!)

I may be somewhat bipolar-ish too, so I totally sympathize...
ADD and bipolar can sometimes look similar, can also be misdiagnosed, one can look like the other etc. Sometimes both can be a result of nutritional deficiencies and environmental/lifestyle problems, or other things..

What can I say, don't fall for a bipolar girl? hmm.. But it may be difficult to differentiate what could be 'bipolar' or just normal human emotions sometimes.. Maybe it's good to learn how to deal with emotions, own and other people's, anyway...
For example, if someone is angry, saying 'Calm down' may only make'em more so... If you say, 'Gosh, this really upset you, right?' or something sympathetic that recognizes and shows respect for their feelings, or jump in and help if they are doing something difficult, they may actually calm down easier. Oh, and don't take it personally if they vent etc. They may just be having a bad day, it may have nothing to do with you... (Though it's good to consider if it's 'good criticism' that makes it easier to do something better, or if it's just 'radio noise'...) It can also show they really care about something. My Dad says, 'As long as she nags, she still cares!!' (for the wife or so!!) And is happy when Mom rants!!

Some theories say that people are drawn to those who are at least a bit like the parents.. (or their total opposite..) so watch it!! ha ha..

Just because you had a bad experience from your parents' marriage and your youth, it doesn't have to mean anything.. Some people overcome the past and have a happy future..
Maybe it's good to find out where your parents or other unhappy couples went wrong, find some good role models, and see what you could do better instead...

 

[A friend]

Do you have any advice on how I can do better instead?

 

[Felgen]

Same boat. Except I'm a girl and people keep telling me it's easy for girls to find a date.


Lies.

How old are you?

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I have to come here and post this, but there's no where else that can help me (yahoo answers in useless).

Well, I've been depressed for months due to the fact that I'm single, and I'm now convinced that this may be something that will be a permanent stamp on my existance, even when I acend to heaven.

Basically, I've never had a girlfriend before, and I went to the prom single. Not one first kiss, date, or anything directly or indirectly related to anything that involves love. And yes, I've tried all sorts of things, 326 times to be pricise (yes, I keep count). The definition of insanity is trying to same thing over & over and expecting different results...

And the damage that does is boosted when you do that stuff in terms of love and dating (whatever you call it). So I give up on finding the perfect woman, to protect my mental health.



What I'm trying to say is that I want to live my life without love, and I'm just tired of having this stuck in my mind. It's just getting in the way of everything, I'm getting pretty desperate to end this.

You should try, but you shouldn't try to hard. If you put anything on a pedestal (whether it's friendship, a job or a significant other), you're not going to get it.

You've probably heard the phrase "just be yourself". This is dispensed by people who have never been in your situation and they assume that's all it takes. Many inexperienced people use this as an excuse to do nothing.

My advice to you is to be the best damn person you can be; work on your career, building a good physique and so on. When you find a girl who's willing to overlook your lack of social skills, she'll be crazy about you. Imagine that you're the prize and that it's HER loss if she rejects you.

 

[Feathers]

Do you have any advice on how I can do better instead?

hm, not sure what you mean? Better than your parents?

Yup, read and learn about effective communication and effective relationships... Also, find happy couples and learn from them (eg elderly people who have been married a long time, or new couples - maybe friends who are doing well together.. some of my friends have great husbands/partners...)

Also, do not expect perfection, know what your standards are though.. (eg no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking...) It's not fair to either of you if you go into relationship with someone you don't find attractive even just a little bit, just to be in a relationship!!

Ideally, go into relationship with someone who is willing to work on effective communication too, and knows how to apologize or such too.. and is willing to work on the relationship too.. it's good if you have common goals.. talk about important things, goals and wishes before you become truly comitted as a couple.. (so that you see if you are at all compatible or not)
Observe how the person acts with other people too, her relatives and friends/acquaintances etc.

If you want to attract girls, what Felgen says is important: look the best you can, ideally have a good career and enough money to live well... you can learn/improve social skills too..

If you want to maintain a happy relationship, there are books you can read about too... Maybe 'Five languages of love' or such.. And then to make sure what your girl's primary langauges of love are, and talk about it so she knows yours.. (And I wasn't joking about a cooking course!! It's good if you both know how to cook - or you can learn together! )

 

[A friend]

How old are you?

20

Imagine that you're the prize and that it's HER loss if she rejects you.

Not to sound arrogant, or egotistical, but that's already the case. In fact, it WOULD be HER loss if she rejected most of us guys here on the forum.

I say that because most of the guys here seem to be cool, and they also seem to deserve all the great girls out there.

It's good if you both know how to cook - or you can learn together! )

 

[dragonoth]

Some people say that love comes to you when you're not looking for it. It happened to me just over a year ago. I was restarting my first year at uni and I met a guy with whom I became good friends. Before I knew it, we had fallen in love with each other without realising and are in a good relationship.
I've noticed that this has happened to a few of my other friends too. They weren't looking for love initially, it just found them. It's not something magical though, like Cupid just picks whoever he wants to shoot arrows at, I think it's just a case of not having any expectations over anyone or anything e.g. 'Today I will build a deeper bond with person A'. Just go out there and get to know people as they are with time. You don't have to rush these things.
And don't pin your self-worth on being loved by another person. If you do then the love you are looking for can't be found in anyone else but yourself.

 

[A friend]

I didn't want to be depressed from not having love, I wasn't really looking for love, I wanted to find a way to stop and not be depressed.