Time Bomb

[panicsurvivor]

Ok. So one of my friends on here has suggested that I start a thread about what is going on with me. I don't usually start threads because I love to help people but am uncomfortable asking for it. But here goes. A short time ago I was assaulted by a couple of guys late at night. I think it was a robbery. I beat both of them within an inch of their lives. It felt great. I ran away and got in my car and fled the scene. I had no fear whatsoever and felt......powerful again. I haven't felt like that in a long time. But it wasn't just that....I really liked it, so much more than I ever had before when I was younger. Now I have been feeling pretty angry and hopeless lately because my relationship is not working for a lot of reasons one of them being that I have never really loved my partner. She is a great person and we have a life we have built together. But I have been in love before, and I know what it is like, and I have never been in love with her. But anyway there is that, and also my increasing disgust with the human race as a whole. So one could argue that I just needed to blow off some steam. But I am always blowing off steam, I workout all the time, and one of my workouts is beating the **** out of a fight dummy for an hour. But when those guys laid their hands on me I just felt so alive and in control. The opposite of how I have been feeling lately. I actually stomped on one of their heads and it felt so....good.::
I didn't tell anyone about this. I am ashamed of it. But a few days later my boss started trying to tell me that my work has gone down, and I snapped on him I screamed in his face and smashed things and he told me that he was afraid I was going to hurt him. He apologized to me and said that he was wrong. The thing is that I felt that same feeling again. It was so freeing to explode on him like that. I am finding myself looking for another fight. If you know me you know that this goes against my personality so much. But there it is. I don't want to be like this, and I don't want my kids to see me like this.
So there it is......What do I do? ::::::

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

In terms of controlling your anger, I'd say you should definitely seek professional help. I used to work with someone who blew up at their manager at work in a similar way to how you describe, and it ended up in a disciplinary hearing, the outcome of which was that he had to see a psychiatrist as a condition of his continued employment. He was put on medication and admitted himself that he was a lot better for it.

As for your relationship, I'm not really sure what to suggest. You have children, which complicates things, but I think you have to ask yourself whether you can honestly see yourself staying with your partner given how you feel. (Or don't feel.) It might be better to make the break now for both your sakes, rather than have it happen anyway further down the road.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Survivor!

Ooh, this is really a tough one!!

I think it's great that you're willing to talk about it and work on changes!! And maybe find help?
I can very much relate, it's easier to help others than ask for help, so YAY for being brave!!

First of all, I think you may be still experiencing some degree of posttraumatic stress - getting attacked is a stressful event..
The adrenaline may start to flow etc... (And this can make you feel 'alive' too..) When it's basically just hormones/blood chemistry...
And I totally think you can get the adrenaline rush in other ways too (bungee jumping? Skydiving? Make sure to be safe though, and read about any possible health risk when deciding what to go for..)

Long-term low-level stress may have also affected your adrenals etc, so maybe you can work on restoring balance in the body too.. with relaxation and good nutrition etc. Do you drink a lot of coffee/soda/energy drinks? What is your nutrition like? Maybe too much meat or pre-prepared food?

Have you played any violent video games? What about watching violent TV series/films? All these can have an effect...

I have heard what you wrote before, or read about it..
I think your problem is not so untypical, many fights have started because people 'needed to let out steam'. In the old days, I was told, 'there wasn't a good party without a fight,' in some places-?? OoO

I like to think mankind has evolved to tell what we want with words, instead of with fists.. You might also want to think about possible consequences of such behaviour..

The work situation sounds more problematic.. I am not sure how many times you can explode at your boss like that.. Or if your company is well enough, or if there may be letting go of people.. (And how easy it would be to get other jobs, maybe as a bouncer in a club?? Not sure if it's good if you beat up customers too much though...)

You may want to read about effective dealing with criticism - there are articles and books about it..
There are also other books and workshops on effective communication and such...

Is your partner maybe negative/critical? Or do you have that maybe in your mind from before? (Were your parents or other important people in your life? My Mom has been, often. So I found it difficult to handle criticism whether my own or other people's.. Some info in books has been helpful, still learning...)

Saying to yourself things like, 'It shouldn't be like this.' 'It should be better...' Should-ing oneself can be a factor for misery... Have you read any books on CBT yet, or had any counselling? Maybe it could be helpful...? It would be good to find something/someone targeted at your needs..

Partly, it sounds like possibly just another 'midlife crisis'... (As corny as this may sound...) People buy jaguars and marry blonde secretaries in their 20s-??

Do you think you 'should' be in love, to have a meaningful life? Many people aren't, and survive just well.. 'In love' can also be a myth, according to some people, or some only feel 'in love' with people who are actually not good for you.. (like unavailable people...)

I think it would be good to tell others of the attack, maybe your partner too? Have you guys talked? Are you communicating okay? Can you tell her stuff? (Or would she fly off the handle/worry too much?) Are there things you find missing, or just 'the butterflies'? If you could have 'the butterflies' with her, would everything else be okay?
Just things to maybe think about... ?

Do you do any volunteering or such, where you could see that people can have an effect on other people's lives, and to see that good things are still happening?

Have you often found yourself criticising other people, or the way others drive, news-related events etc? That book I posted you about says it's better not to. You might wanna get it, or see if there's a program the author or someone else leads near you... I'd totally go to one if it was near and could afford it

Since I'm a bit of a chicken I'd probably get the book first, then go to a course, then get counselling.. If you don't like reading, consider other stuff first...

I still think you're a good person and this is just temporary stress/uncharacteristic behavior for you!!

 

[EasySkanking]

Hey survivor, from what I know of your personality that you express here, you are a very caring and gentle person. THIS is you.

Of course, in life we can 'acquire' certain preferences/ideas from our environments or boundaries imposed on us. But this is not "us" - these are learned behaviours or ideas that we can choose to 'take on' or change.

Personally, I think it may be all that testosterone that you're getting from all that excercise that is making you aggresive. I know, cause when I used to work out, I used to be very aggressive with co-workers and such... my sex drive was higher... and it felt good to feel "powerful" and "manly".

It is part of the human male to like to feel in control, powerful, etc. This is a primitive quality though, and can cause problems nowadays in today's society. And most importantly, it is something that you can keep under control and even use it to your advantage.

Don't feel bad mate - you are a GREAT person . And change that behaviour/mentality if you don't like it .

Such as thinking about "why" it can be unbeneficial to be so "aggresive", like how it can hurt others such as your children or your mate, or other people in general. It is good to be aggressive, but not too aggressive.

As for your girlfriend, I suggest that you find someone that you love. No reason to stay with someone that you don't love as a partner unless you are doing it for your children (which I know you are). In which case, I suggest you do the same but when they are a little older and at least able to understand why you have to do it.

Good luck mate!! (missed you btw)

 

[Kato]

If it is a time bomb then you would need someone to help defuse it. Perhaps someone you greatly respect or a professional. Someones life might count on this being dealt with. Perhaps yours?

 

[coyote]

I would suggest doing some amateur fighting - but that's probably not the answer.

Sounds like you have some anger issues, man.

you should really talk to someone (i.e., therapist, etc.) before you hurt somebody or yourself.

seriously - you have to take care of yourself

you're a grown up - no one else is going to do it for you

 

[PunkRotten]

Sounds like alot of regressed anger, rage, unresolved issues that have bothered you in the past, and resentments. I have had this too and still have some of it I am working through. Find some help for it and find a healthy way to release it.

 

[panicsurvivor]

If it is a time bomb then you would need someone to help defuse it. Perhaps someone you greatly respect or a professional. Someones life might count on this being dealt with. Perhaps yours?

Yeah your right. This is one of the things that I have been struggling with. I really didn't want to make this post because I am ashamed of being the "bad guy".

 

[panicsurvivor]

Sounds like alot of regressed anger, rage, unresolved issues that have bothered you in the past, and resentments. I have had this too and still have some of it I am working through. Find some help for it and find a healthy way to release it.

For sure!!! The problem is, as far as healthy ways to release it. I already do all the healthy releases. Running, workouts, fight training, masterbation::, everything.

 

[panicsurvivor]

Hey survivor, from what I know of your personality that you express here, you are a very caring and gentle person. THIS is you.

Of course, in life we can 'acquire' certain preferences/ideas from our environments or boundaries imposed on us. But this is not "us" - these are learned behaviours or ideas that we can choose to 'take on' or change.

Personally, I think it may be all that testosterone that you're getting from all that excercise that is making you aggresive. I know, cause when I used to work out, I used to be very aggressive with co-workers and such... my sex drive was higher... and it felt good to feel "powerful" and "manly".

It is part of the human male to like to feel in control, powerful, etc. This is a primitive quality though, and can cause problems nowadays in today's society. And most importantly, it is something that you can keep under control and even use it to your advantage.

Don't feel bad mate - you are a GREAT person . And change that behaviour/mentality if you don't like it .

Such as thinking about "why" it can be unbeneficial to be so "aggresive", like how it can hurt others such as your children or your mate, or other people in general. It is good to be aggressive, but not too aggressive.

As for your girlfriend, I suggest that you find someone that you love. No reason to stay with someone that you don't love as a partner unless you are doing it for your children (which I know you are). In which case, I suggest you do the same but when they are a little older and at least able to understand why you have to do it.

Good luck mate!! (missed you btw)

Hey I missed you too!! I hope your time away was productive, or at least fun.
Yeah it may have been a mistake to bring up my partner in this post. The problems me and her have been having lately probably have nothing to do with what has been happening to me. She doesn't know anything that has happened other than the fact that I had words with my boss. And I keep my problems hidden from anyone I come into contact with in the RW. I am very good at it. You might have a point about all the workouts too. I never thought that those could backfire on me. I will have to look into that. It is really good to hear from you in any case.

 

[panicsurvivor]

Hey Survivor!

Ooh, this is really a tough one!!

I think it's great that you're willing to talk about it and work on changes!! And maybe find help?
I can very much relate, it's easier to help others than ask for help, so YAY for being brave!!

First of all, I think you may be still experiencing some degree of posttraumatic stress - getting attacked is a stressful event..
The adrenaline may start to flow etc... (And this can make you feel 'alive' too..) When it's basically just hormones/blood chemistry...
And I totally think you can get the adrenaline rush in other ways too (bungee jumping? Skydiving? Make sure to be safe though, and read about any possible health risk when deciding what to go for..)

Long-term low-level stress may have also affected your adrenals etc, so maybe you can work on restoring balance in the body too.. with relaxation and good nutrition etc. Do you drink a lot of coffee/soda/energy drinks? What is your nutrition like? Maybe too much meat or pre-prepared food?

Have you played any violent video games? What about watching violent TV series/films? All these can have an effect...

I have heard what you wrote before, or read about it..
I think your problem is not so untypical, many fights have started because people 'needed to let out steam'. In the old days, I was told, 'there wasn't a good party without a fight,' in some places-?? OoO

I like to think mankind has evolved to tell what we want with words, instead of with fists.. You might also want to think about possible consequences of such behaviour..

The work situation sounds more problematic.. I am not sure how many times you can explode at your boss like that.. Or if your company is well enough, or if there may be letting go of people.. (And how easy it would be to get other jobs, maybe as a bouncer in a club?? Not sure if it's good if you beat up customers too much though...)

You may want to read about effective dealing with criticism - there are articles and books about it..
There are also other books and workshops on effective communication and such...

Is your partner maybe negative/critical? Or do you have that maybe in your mind from before? (Were your parents or other important people in your life? My Mom has been, often. So I found it difficult to handle criticism whether my own or other people's.. Some info in books has been helpful, still learning...)

Saying to yourself things like, 'It shouldn't be like this.' 'It should be better...' Should-ing oneself can be a factor for misery... Have you read any books on CBT yet, or had any counselling? Maybe it could be helpful...? It would be good to find something/someone targeted at your needs..

Partly, it sounds like possibly just another 'midlife crisis'... (As corny as this may sound...) People buy jaguars and marry blonde secretaries in their 20s-??

Do you think you 'should' be in love, to have a meaningful life? Many people aren't, and survive just well.. 'In love' can also be a myth, according to some people, or some only feel 'in love' with people who are actually not good for you.. (like unavailable people...)

I think it would be good to tell others of the attack, maybe your partner too? Have you guys talked? Are you communicating okay? Can you tell her stuff? (Or would she fly off the handle/worry too much?) Are there things you find missing, or just 'the butterflies'? If you could have 'the butterflies' with her, would everything else be okay?
Just things to maybe think about... ?

Do you do any volunteering or such, where you could see that people can have an effect on other people's lives, and to see that good things are still happening?

Have you often found yourself criticising other people, or the way others drive, news-related events etc? That book I posted you about says it's better not to. You might wanna get it, or see if there's a program the author or someone else leads near you... I'd totally go to one if it was near and could afford it

Since I'm a bit of a chicken I'd probably get the book first, then go to a course, then get counselling.. If you don't like reading, consider other stuff first...

I still think you're a good person and this is just temporary stress/uncharacteristic behavior for you!!

First of all Thank you for the very thoughtful post. I couldn't believe all of the things you covered in it. In all of the turmoil that I have been going though lately reading your post made me feel better. That you cared that much about a stranger that you would go to the trouble to think that much about it really touched me. You also made me think a lot. I think that what has happened to me is what I am calling "wounded animal syndrome." I think that I have been afraid for so long (with my panic attacks and agoraphobia) that finally I struck back. I mean lets face it it is better to be angry than afraid, better to be the one attacking then the one being attacked. I have recently been spending even more time with my children and calming down, and even having a beer once in a while. LOL. I think that I am going to be OK. Thank you again. You are a great person, and I am happy to be your friend. I won't forget this.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Survivor... I'm happy you're my friend too!!
Glad to hear reading what I wrote made you feel better...
What you write about 'wounded animal' makes sense...

I really think it would be good to nurse that animal, to pat it and to make it feel better...

Spending time with children and a beer now and then is great (B vitamins!) I'm not sure if it's enough though... (and wouldn't want to see you an alcoholic either!)

I mean if that animal has wounds, maybe they need to be washed and taken care of, sewn up first...? At least put on some herbs or wrap up with bandages? It depends how deep the wounds are.. Maybe they were little to start with and no one took care of them and they just got worse? Some tiny scratches can get okay by ignoring, if they are deeper, more help is needed...

I'd really recommend talking about it with people, at least reading a book or a few, ideally get a support group and/or counselling.. That's what Coyote and others recommended too..

I mean, you did snap out at Coyote right now, and I don't think he meant it that bad, I read concern in what he wrote (he does tease people a bit, that seems to be just his style though - and I think he only teases you if he likes you!! that's sometimes my style a bit too.. it's sometimes not so easy to recognize though..)
I think he cares about you and your dear ones too, and just wants you to work things out..

you should really talk to someone (i.e., therapist, etc.) before you hurt somebody or yourself.

seriously - you have to take care of yourself

I see liking you and concern in what he wrote... kinda what the others said too.. to find help...
he hasn't read enough CBT books to know it's not very helpful to use the word 'should', I guess??

As for the last line, it was just emphasis for what you wrote above, to really go and look for help.. (That even if you don't like going to seek help, the 'grown up' thing sometimes is to go find help, as above..)
I think everyone on the forum agrees you're a grown man!
I really admire what you are doing for the kids and your family!!

It's important to try to focus on the essence of a message, not just individual words or a sentence that maybe doesn't make sense out of context or wasn't best chosen.. I know that's hard sometimes..
Some words are 'trigger words' for me too... Maybe you can (eventually) make a list of some of those 'trigger words' or concepts?
And maybe do CBT or EFT/TAT on them? (Definitely start with any easier ones if you do that, that you don't mind at all almost, perhaps only do like one at a time until you don't mind it.. and learn about CBT and EFT or TAT very well first, and use it on other things first possibly!) It would perhaps be better to do it with help, if you don't know much about CBT or EFT or TAT yet..

I first thought maybe you were joking or being ironic in your message to coyote, if you really meant it though, I can see that misunderstandings might have happened elsewhere in your life too?

I know the wounded animal snaps at people who want to help too.. so please consider healing that gorgeous animal and making it feel better!!
You are strong *AND* cute!! And also a good person, with a caring heart, very environmentally aware, and other good things..

Just might wanna learn to, uhm, not snap at people? And maybe double-check what they really meant first? Like basically repeat what you think they said with your own words. "_______, is this what you meant?" And speak of your emotions (Before throwing in any insults or such?) I know it's not easy sometimes... It could be really helpful to avoid any misunderstandings, like what just happened..
You could ask, "Coyote, do you mean I'm not a grown-up? " and this could help him to clarify his position too-??
(without any ***starry*** censored words... those words can sometimes hurt people too..)

This is the type of stuff you can read about in books (or websites) about communication and such, or hear about it and practise it with a good counsellor/therapist.. or in a support group/effective communication course or such..

I think Coyote wanted to say that we are not professionals here.. and that maybe it could go easier and more quickly with a professional's advice/help.. (or another, if you don't click with the first one or two..) It's good if that person would be experienced with the kind of issues you've been facing, some therapists don't know much about anger management and might make it even worse.. That's in that book I wrote to you about too.. So, hmm... can you check if your library has that book? (I'd love to read it, our library has very few English books though..) You can look it up online, don't even have to ask the librarian? And if they do have it, you could say you need it in an Adult Ed class/for a project or something? Maybe that you need it for work? That you're helping start a communication course at work or something like that? (You could maybe even help start it?)
If you do learn about these things it can probably be helpful for helping other people with similar problems too.. (Like Feathers, if/when she gets upset and such..)
Do you think your family might mind it if they saw you reading such books? Maybe you could put a special cover on it? Or you just don't like books? Then just say so, and I won't mention it again.. probably..
Sorry if I ask too much.. Just... concerned about you, and would really like you to get better!!

So... ((hugs)) Hope things get better...

 

[panicsurvivor]

Feathers.
All right. I don't see how I could misunderstand "your a grown up, no one else is going to do it for you". I resent that statement. I am not sitting at home raging over my computer grinding my teeth plotting to go over the hills and across the land to murder coyote. I am calm and in a good mood (for a change). I put myself out on a limb by posting this thread and to read someone tell me that I am a grown up and no one is going to do it for me on A SUPPORT FORUM, seemed and still seems dismissive and condecending to me. "Quit being a baby grow up and deal with it." I have been dealing with mental problems for a decade now and am no stranger to books and therapists and drugs. I do like reading by the way. There have been no "misunderstandings" my boss was abusing me and I stood up for myself. I was not punished by our store director for it, he understood my outburst and said he didn't blame me, but I am a big and scary guy and I can't carry on like that next time. As for my assault, that was an assault I was not misunderstanding that. I also can tell you I am not feeling any stress from that. It was not the first time I have been attacked and I kind of obssesively train myself for such things. What was bothering me was, as I said, how much I enjoyed these things. And........ well I already posted this so I am just repeating myself. I just don't want you to think that I am some rabid dog. I am a good person. I care about people. The things that have happened, including Coyotes Posts were not misunderstandings. It's not whats happened that I am worried about, it's what might happen that I am worried about. Terrified of actually. I don't know if I am going to go down the therapy road again, I might, but usually nine times out of ten, they just want me to take some pill that make me worse than I was before. And before you think it or post it, yes I have always given every med a chance to work, they just don't. Whether or not I actually see a therapist again, I will work on my feelings and try a number of different ways of dealing with things. Thank you again for caring. By the way how do you know that I am Cute I may be a terrifying beast.

Coyote.
I still can't figure out why you would say that. The rest of your post fine. You were right, it pretty much said what everybody else said, maybe even with a little more urgency than theirs. Feathers seems to feel that you care about me and try's to quote you, and point out that she sees concern and care in the words, but she leaves out the part where you tell me that I am a grown up and no one is going to do it for me. I have tried to find some way that I could consider those words as positive or respectful, or helpful. But they are not. It wasn't a joke because it wasn't funny, and usually your jokes are funny. Was it you looking down on me? Because you think that this type of behavior is beneath contempt? I went over my post a few times to see if their was something that I said that may have offended you or made It seem like I was a not a good person. But if you felt that way why did you even bother to post. You didn't need to. I have friends on this forum, good friends I think. Are you one of them? You sent me a PM, and friend requested me, and left me a visitor message. Why? I am not being combative right now. I am actually asking. If you do care than I am really sorry for my harsh words. And by the way I have already tried the cage fighting thing, not a good Idea for me. LOL. Kicking your ass may make me feel better and I am sure I could do it, but your a marine, wouldn't you see me coming and then shoot me before I had a chance. Plus then I would have to drive over the hills and stuff and I am agoraphobic so by the time I got their I would be cowering having a panic attack and you could just leasurley kick the crap out of me.

 

[Darryl]

I have a different take on your anger issues.

Anger in you is not the problem- it's the bi-product of something that has been frustrating you.

Find the frustration!

I don't know if the last pages of "honeymoon period" (AvPD Pages) may or maynot help- but hopefully it will give you a insite with what I mean as bi-product.

Darryl

 

[Dronee]

Maybe you should change the way you vent your anger. Instead of fighting and beating the dummy... well, I can't say for you, but for myself, if I were in your situation... maybe changing the mock fights into marathon sessions would help. You know, run yourself ragged to blow off steam. I'm not a runner myself, but I find it liberating sometimes. And there's no one to 'beat up' so you're really just focusing those emotions into pure exertion and striving.

So when you face difficult situations, your tendency is to fuel your emotions into striving hopefully. The kind of pent up rage, if fueled by fighting even more, can become a terrible master very quickly and get you killed or incarcerated eventually. I floored a comrade during conscription for touching my hair jokingly, but I didn't even realize that I had punched him. I immediately apologized and said that it's due to pent up anger and that I didn't intend to beat him. He was a nice guy, but it could have become trouble for myself.

For me, it doesn't really matter too much because I'm not a family man. The worst thing one can do is if one gets addicted to the 'powerful' feeling of anger and beat one's own children senseless. So it's great that you're acknowledging that this is an important issue for yourself. I doubt that you'll ever do that... but rage is difficult to control once it's become a habit.

On the not loving someone part, if you really cannot find affection for her after so long, it'll probably be a difficult thing in the long run. My own experience is that you can't force yourself to love someone.

On Coyote: I don't think he meant any offense, just maybe not a good choice of words. I also agree with Darryl's post. Sorry if my post is incoherent. I'm rushing off to get some groceries and stuff.

 

[Danfalc]

Yeah another +1 to what Darryl said,that makes a lot of sense.

Anyway forgive me if I repeat something which has already been said,but I have not read every post.But violence is a weird thing..everyone is scared of it,if your not there is something wrong with you.But even the people with the nicest nature are capable of it under the right situations as your situation proved.So try not to be hard on yourself.

It's also kind of normal to feel a buzz off it too,it's a perfect example of the fight or flight reflex and not surprising why many therapists use it as an example when talking about anxiety.It's so liberating to feel In control,and it's kind of like bungee jumping or going on a theme park ride.It's a rush once you get over the initial fear and is very addictive and intoxicating because of the adrenaline buzz.

But I think you should maybe embrace this side of you,but In a controlled and disciplined way,maybe some martial arts like Karate,or even Muay Thai if you wan't something more intense.I really think can help build confidence and let you pent your aggression In a constructive way.

For what it's worth,I think the incident with your boss was a moment of weakness which can maybe be put down to the stress of everything?If you were the type to throw about your weight I don't think you would be on here feeling guilty about it

Anyway sorry for the long post.

 

[missjesss]

You know what I think that is a positive sign for you that you are READY to change and be assertive you just gotta make sure you do it in the right way and be ASSERTIVE rather then aggressive...with your partner issue break it off I was in the exact same situation with my ex bf but I finally managed to break it off once and for all and now ive met someone else and there is a definite spark! you just gotta think positive and don't look back what wud u rather to be stuck in a relationship u don't want to be in or to be alone and single ready for the next girl to come along one with the SPARK

I would suggest maybe taking up a boxing class for all your anger

 

[coyote]

Was it you looking down on me?

No, it was me seeing myself in you and telling you what I try to tell myself.

And it isn't "grow up and stop being a baby" - it's acknowledging the fact that you ARE a grown up and responsible for yourself.

I think you're reading something into it that wasn't intended.

Where's that coming from?

 

[Remus]

removed a few posts to calm the thread down, coyote's advice is sound and in no way be-littling panicsurvivor.

Are you on any medication at the moment or anything else? I think the advice on seeing a professional is the best, I had dreadful anger issues in my youth created by being abused, took me quite a while to become a calmer person. I got into a few scrapes too back then but tended to feel sick and disgusted with myself afterwards.

 

[Kato]

Yeah your right. This is one of the things that I have been struggling with. I really didn't want to make this post because I am ashamed of being the "bad guy".

I dont think your a "bad guy". I see you as dealing with some tough problems that invites anger. Been there before and I understand how it can make you feel crazy mad.

I dont think getting out the anger in a aggressive way is a good idea.Maybe it might work for you. For me, I found that it only allowed my anger build. I guess it was time and accepting the situation that allowed me to move forward again.

Again, your not a "bad guy". It is the difficulties you are dealing with that are bad. You will put them behind you. Its inevitable because you are a good man. Just be careful with the anger you are dealing with. It could overwhelm anyone. It is just that you ( as compared to many of us ) have the ability to deal with it in a more physical way.

I am out to deal with our icy roads now. Hope I dont have to get physical with anyone.