thoughts on "online friendship"

[21NZ]

Oh wow, so many good points! people... will try to reply to some of them now!

 

[Kat]

I haven’t made many friends online I mainly just browse but I did meet my bf on a gaming website and we did chat on the phone and did the IM web cam for several months before we met. We also did background checks on one another before we met since it was a long distance relationship he was in America and I was in Australia. I try to be myself online it’s hard to make the comparisons though I think I can be more wordy online and come across as more confident.

I give compliments but there true to how I view it, most the compliments I have given in reality pan out in reality it may sound a bit arrogant:: but I always say the proof is in the pudding. I think as long as you’re safe about it online friends can be a good way to meet people.

 

[hoddesdon]

I haven’t made many friends online I mainly just browse but I did meet my bf on a gaming website and we did chat on the phone and did the IM web cam for several months before we met. We also did background checks on one another before we met since it was a long distance relationship he was in America and I was in Australia.

How did you do that? Did you employ private detectives?

 

[21NZ]

I think it's nice to have online friends to talk to when you're bored and share problems with, it's easier talking about some things when you don't have to look someone in the eye. That said I don't think it is healthy to use them as a replacement for offline people, even if it is tempting. Online relationships are cosy, it is easy to hide aspects of your personality and only show people what you want them to see. Although it is a real person you are talking to, you don't know just how "real" they really are, if that makes sense. Obviously people do this in real life aswell, some people are good at it, but it is nowhere near as easy when you have to interact with someone face to face. I really don't think you can ever truly know someone you talk to online, you can probably know them up to 50%, if I were to give it an arbitrary number.

My advice is to not take internet friends too seriously unless they live reasonably close, close enough to meet without much hassle.

And don't take compliments too seriously either, some people have compliments constantly dribbling out of their eager to please faces.

i don't use online friends as replacement i have quite a few friends "in real life" as some people would say.. but there's a lot of things i can't get from them, see i don't like nz culture and i'm half English, though i've never been to England i still really enjoy their culture, tv shows, people like derren brown etc... and the manner which they speak (not all of them obviously). In nz everythings hey bro, broskii, ghost chips and drinking... & bloody rugby this rugby that... and i find it so boring...

All the people I've chatted with online have been on here. On SPW we all share our problems, so it feels really insincere and over-caring. Nobody's going to be harshly honest really.

The doubts I have is that other people consider me to be an "online friend". Like there are different rules for them. I was actually really offended by someone who, after chatting for ages, didn't say bye or give me any clue they were gone. They could have pm'ed me to say they'd been cut off/in a rush. I mentioned it to my sister (that posts her life on facebook) and she thought that was the norm and I was being weird expecting anything else.

I also hate that I can't see their facial responses. I get really worried that I'm boring them and it actually knocks my confidence in the real world too. Basically I thought chatting on here would give me more confidence to chat generally and it did, but now I'm finding the opposite effect. If someone starts taking their time to reply I make an excuse and say bye. I don't want to initiate 3 chats in a row because they're probably not initiating because I'm boring.
I'd like to skype wiyh them but it wouldn't suit their SA or BDD probably.

i know it may feel " really insincere and over-caring" here and i not saying it's not but you have to understand a lot of people have been though hell here and understand your problems and can relate! i don't really get offended, maybe a little disheartened when people don't reply. i feel like it's almost a numbers game...

it might not be the fact your boring, you know most of us here, have conditioned our-self's to think the worst for everything... and then there's the fact they probably have SA and even chatting/posting can be scary

i try really hard to be the same person online that i am offline

but there is no reason to mention that i'm sitting here in my underwear eating cheetohs

after all, i wouldn't show up to work without wiping the orange crumbs off of my belly, either

it's natural to put your best foot forward - which means that even in real life, you don't always know exactly what's going in people's lives that they don't want you to see

we encounter the world through the filter of our mind - so when we meet people, we're not really meeting THEM at all - we're meeting our own perception of who WE think they are

and that might be more or less accurate depending both on what THEY choose to display and on what WE choose to believe

i think it's really great that you do this, that's what i think it should be like

i like you comment about putting your best foot forward, i would agree it would be less accurate to offline, but internet wise however because of nature of this forum and the people posting, i think it could actually be the opposite here or at-least balances out? as a lot of people have low esteem and share their problems too, both good and bad. Which gives you a much bigger picture of them, then you would get on other sites/forums that aren't problem related.

Can't argue with your other point, "our own perception of who WE think they are" that's half my problem posting, i don't want to mislead anyone...

i've tried ,for me it doesn't feel the same as actually knowing someone in the real. I used to use msn messenger for people I actually had met irl and things were fine, since I started adding people from online i've become quite avoidant with using it.
I have talked online with some great people and I seem to meet more nice people online than off.

Yeah, the best friendship i ever had, was with this girl i met offline playing table tennis and she moved a little to far out and therefore couldn't come to table tennis as often so we start emailing and wow did i get to know her like 10 times faster and things in real life where better for it as well, inside jokes and all...

Eh, I don't know anymore. It seems to me that every time I make an online friend I end up losing them. PROBABLY my own fault. What's that saying, that the only constant variable in all your failed relationships is you? Yeah.

Also, it scares me that it's so easy for your online friend to cut you off and never speak to you again. This can be done in real life as well, but it's different somehow. In cyberland it seems so final, like the person may as well have died. Except it's worse than that because you know they're still out there, they just don't want anything to do with you anymore. And this hurt is magnified when you see them on social media or elsewhere, interacting with others, going about their business like they never knew you.

I still talk to some people online, and I have to moderate my feelings of attachment. It's the only social interaction I get these days aside from my family and sometimes going out to the store. That will change once I have a job, of course, and am back in college.

I've given a couple of my online friends my Facebook and they know my full name that way we can stay in touch even if either one of us quits using the site we meet I'm not really a fan of Facebook but i like the fact that it installs a little confidence in me from online friends as i can't ditch and i trust them enough to give them it, plus your adding them to your "real friends list" perception wise

I'd honestly go out of my way even travel the world if i really got on with someone online and they felt the same way! honestly is the key!

Sounds like you've had some bad experiences keep in mind everyone's different !

This poll is confusing... haha
I generally don't trust people online or off-- especially not online... based on my own personal experience, perhaps people are more genuine online than they are off but it's so much easier to lie when they're not looking you in the eye.

That is one of many factors that leads me to not trust anyone. Online or off.

yeah sorry about the poll, haha. i find there's less reason to lie online... personally. what would it take for someone to earn your trust?

I think some level of miscommunication online is a given. Text doesn't have tone and it doesn't have body language, so it's harder to pick up on what someone's trying to say. That's just the way it is, and the more you worry about it the more it becomes a matter of "trying to please everyone," and not speaking naturally.

As for online friends and real gifts, I know a lot of people on other forums who do it. They're more tight-knit communities with smaller circles of friends, though. They've chatted at length and feel as though they kind of know each other (many even go on to Skype), so the offer to treat them to some chocolate wouldn't be too strange, even if some people would be more uncomfortable about gifts from online friends than others. Sometimes "online friend" is just someone you exchange messages with, but sometimes "online" is just the medium through which you first met a friend.

Even if you share a belief, a condition, or a problem with someone else online, that doesn't necessarily make you close. I only seem to see that attitude in niche communities where people are struggling to find a place to belong, so I think it's more an attempt to reach out. It's not really a friendship without knowing the person beyond a label and a few brief chats. I feel like maybe misjudging closeness accounts for a a fair portion of hurt from friendships that just disappear, though there's always the fact that real-life often takes precedence.

You can do a lot to get more anonymity, but chances are the way you're accessing the Internet you're just not showing your identity to other forum civilians.

all very good points! i'm starting to think everyone defines online friend so differently ... i should have defined it better in my post to understand what level of communication would have to be achieved for me! to defined someone as a friend online and then people could have posted their comparison to my definition, sort of like a standard. haha

as i can seen people are commenting on different levels of friendships... well at least in my opinion.

and the closer who they choose to display and who they really are is, the more worthwhile they are

Hear hear

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

All of my friends are online. I do consider them real friends. Of course, there are limitations with these friendships, but I still value them. The only reason why I haven't met them is because of the distance. I have met people I have known online in real life, but they end up being one time sort of meetings because of the distance. And just like in real life, I "click" with some people online and not with others. It is just how it is. I communicate better though writing than talking, so that is the big difference between my online self and my real life self.

 

[Kat]

How did you do that? Did you employ private detectives?

Yeah haha no nothing quite extreme I think you can do it online these days but I guess that could be advantage for the precarious I don’t think I have ever done a background check on someone I have met in person it seems more understandable for the online = shady people.

 

[21NZ]

All of my friends are online. I do consider them real friends. Of course, there are limitations with these friendships, but I still value them. The only reason why I haven't met them is because of the distance. I have met people I have known online in real life, but they end up being one time sort of meetings because of the distance. And just like in real life, I "click" with some people online and not with others. It is just how it is. I communicate better though writing than talking, so that is the big difference between my online self and my real life self.

That's great i agree, it's a lot easier to be yourself writing too and you can think about what you say!

 

[springk]

I have few friends in real life..only two of them with whom i talk and share mostly.
we share so many things and talk about them..as i cant talk to anyone else.

as to online friends, i dont have many.
i talk to people online, but i dont know..may be i dont communicate in a right way they dont understand.

i feel online friends are real people.
there is diff when u talk online and cant replace real life conversation.
at the same time..there are genuine people out there who will prove good friends..the same happens when u meet people in real life.

if i could i would travel the world to meet my friends ..but still i cherish every friend even if few that i have or had online.

 

[Flanscho]

Sure I like meeting friends offline that I got to know on the internet first. Last year I went twice to Sweden to visit a friend there. Two years before that, I went for two weeks into the Ukraine, to spend two weeks at a friend over there.

 

[user deleted]

I feel like for me, having social anxiety, talking on the internet means I can genuinely be myself, I can be more sincere than I would 'outside' because I'm able to communicate more what's going on inside my head, my real feelings about things etc.

Of course you run the risk of running into insincerity, but to me, you run the same risk in real life. I've met a lot of liars, or people I'd consider disingenuous in real life, I have online too. It's tricky really.. I feel like most of the things people say, whether they're 'truthful' or not, say something about them. I feel like you actually learn a lot more about people from what they don't say from what they do, at times.

I have a few really good friends on the internet. I feel closer to them than I do to most of my real life friends. I feel like it's actually easier to get to know people online, and that given the right amount of time I really can get to know someone more than perhaps I would in real life.

 

[Agent_Violet]

i've only ever had two online interactions with people i'd call friends.I was brutally honest with both people.Both eventually abandoned me.One still makes half hearted attempts to talk to me but honestly,if he really wanted to talk,he could do a lot more.I haven't heard from the other in nearly a year.

Online and in real life,I'm the same woman.

 

[Pookah]

I had an online friend, who became online boyfriend, then we met and now we are married and working on permanent residence in the same country as eachother.

 

[Remus]

I had an online friend, who became online boyfriend, then we met and now we are married and working on permanent residence in the same country as eachother.

If you are moving to the UK, my OH could help with advice on visas and such.

 

[Pookah]

If you are moving to the UK, my OH could help with advice on visas and such.

I think due to the current income requirement in UK we might have to try USA first unless we go to Ireland to eventually get me in on the EU angle.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I had an online friend, who became online boyfriend, then we met and now we are married and working on permanent residence in the same country as eachother.

Congratulations Pookah!

You should post some wedding pics in the post your picture thread.

 

[Remus]

I think due to the current income requirement in UK we might have to try USA first unless we go to Ireland to eventually get me in on the EU angle.

Yeah, spouse visa means he needs to be earning :/

 

[jonas89]

I have met one of my online friends when she came for a visit this summer, and she is coming back in January, and also next summer she will be here for month or two to study
I have made a similar post about ''online friends'' those I have I really care about and I hope to meet them soon, hopefully next year.

On the other hand I have never had luck with online ppl here on SPW,, I talk to them and I think maybe we get along, but then always the same thing happens, they just vanish. it's getting kinda annoying and maybe that is a reason I don't really participate much on here anymore.