the "whatever" journal

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w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
11/23/08

I got tired of clipping my hair everyday just to hide my horrible haircut. So today, I've decided to cut my hair short. yeah... from a waist length hair to a neck length haircut. I went to the salon this time... and I was really embarrassed when the hairstylist removed my hairpins !!! Good thing is she just acted cool about it, she just asked me who cut my hair and I said "just a crazy relative". She just smiled and said "It's OK". Oh, she's really a nice lady. :).... She even insisted to mend my bangs even if I've tried to protest because I don't have the guts to show her my bangs. (There were two hairpins left at the front LOL). But then, I'm glad that she has done it anyway.

However, I still feel awkward of my hairstyle. I was used to having a long hair. That's why I can't help looking at the mirror over and over again.

Oh well.... at least I look more like a human now than before. :wink:
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Just a thought:

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
-No. (Then they will look at me as if I'm just joking)

REALLY? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
-No, really. I'm single.

SO HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DID YOU HAVE? or WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP?
-I've got no boyfriend since birth.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?!.......
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People kept on asking me this. But I don't really mind. I just kept on answering I DON'T KNOW. First of all, I'm happy being single and I'm not looking for one. But then since my sister began to have a boyfriend, more people bugged me with this question and now even I is wondering why.
And since this is the start of the year, I want to do some realizations by trying to give possible answer to this BIG QUESTION.
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- I don't easily get attracted with guys.

- Those who show interest are either perverts, conceited, or just plain jerks

- When I do get attracted with a guy, either he is not available, he is a fairy or he's simply not interested.

- I'M LAZY.... answering calls, replying text messages and going out.

- I'm shy

- I'm a snob

- I'm boyish. (I prefer wearing jeans, I hate high heeled shoes, I'm not really fond of flowers and chocolates, I'm not flirty and I'm more into punk rock and computer)

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But mainly, I'm not really interested in entering a relationship. I even picture myself as being single for life although they say that I'll just be lonely. But then, I'm really the type of person who loves my own self as a company, so I guess it will not be a big deal for me.

On the other hand, I'm also curious about what it feels like to be in love or to have a boyfriend. But when I see my sister and my other friends talking to their boyfriends on the phone, I secretly get annoyed not because I'm just jealous or something. It's just that they suddenly transform and act and sound babyish. It seems so cheesy for me, it gives me goosebumps.
And then I suddenly wonder if I'll also be acting that way when I find my man. I feel like puking just thinking of it.

So just now I have another realization: Unless, I get used to the cheesy stuffs... I'll never ever have a boyfriend. Whatever!
 
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W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Just a thought:

I don't think of the future because it will just give me worries.

I'm just always living in the present although the past is bothering me sometimes.

Nope.... I'm not actually living.... I'm just a breathing creature going with the flow. But I'm not living.... not really living.

It's not because I'm depressed or something. It's just that my life, if you call it life, is so empty. And I dread thinking that I'll be having this kind of life until I grow old.

The only thing that keeps me going is that I'm still young. Being young gives me hope. And that hope is gradually fading away.

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Finally, I was able to put this into writing.

I've been keeping this all by myself for such a long time.

I can't tell this to anybody. They will just get paranoid or something.

And putting all of this here gave me such a relief.

I don't know why.
 
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W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
just a thought:

Just thinking of the possibility that this site will soon be gone makes me feel very sad already. I have my own place here. This is my comfort zone.

Please... don't let it happen. :(
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
just a thought:

I was really positive that I'll start a brand new life....

Actually, I've been doing this everyday....

I've been fooling myself everyday...

But yesterday is supposed to be the last...

I said, "This is Final, nothing's gonna stop me, nothing's gonna change my mind, I have a life, I have to claim it now! I have to be strong, I have to love myself, I have to believe that I can, I have to stop this roller coaster routine, I have to make this decision absolutely ultimately positively final!!!!!"

I've almost made it... or so I thought....

Nothing's really wrong about yesterday. Something might have pissed me off but I was able to handle it well. Everything was fine, really.

But at the end of the day, I've suddenly felt a butterfly in my stomach... it's like I've done something that I have to be guilty about. As if I've done something wrong. As if something bad happened that day.

I tried to ignore that feeling. Really.

I listened to my IPOD while in the bus. I listened to some lively mellow songs. But it made my feeling worse.

I suddenly felt lonely.... and longing about something that I don't know.

The butterfly was becoming a monster. It seems to tell me that nothing's really right. My heart is worrying without any reason. I tried ignoring it but it keeps on bugging and bugging me! I asked myself why. Why am I feeling this? Why why why?

And so now I finally gave up. I've decided to quit this foolish game to myself. I have to admit that everything's just a mess. I can't explain it. But it just doesn't seem right. And that's the lamest reason I can tell myself. Lame but it's true. I just feel that everything's not right and that's enough to make me feel defeated!

Again, I blame myself. I'm the only problem here.

I am my own enemy.
and I don't know how to win.

It only makes me frustrated before.

Now I'm afraid....
that I'm truly helpless.
 
bleach

bleach

Banned
I think you have made the mistake of thinking change is easy, thinking you can just decide to be a different person and if you just want it bad enough, it will happen.

Doesn't ever work that way. People change through concentrated effort over a long time, by repeating the same actions many times over and failing most of the time. It isn't merely a choice, it's skill development.
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
bleach said:
I think you have made the mistake of thinking change is easy, thinking you can just decide to be a different person and if you just want it bad enough, it will happen.

Doesn't ever work that way. People change through concentrated effort over a long time, by repeating the same actions many times over and failing most of the time. It isn't merely a choice, it's skill development.
Click to expand...

(sigh) That's the main problem. I'm aware that everything will not change for an instant. I keep on convincing myself that I should go on. But encouraging myself is so exhausting. It's like I'm having an endless battle inside me, A part of me says "Hey! You shouldn't give up! Keep on going!" and another says "No, this isn't right. Start all over again!".... and it continues for the rest of the day until I get totally drained and I have to quit to relax myself!!!

You are definitely right. I guess, I really have to develop that skill. I'll keeeeep on tryiiiing tryiiiiiing and tryiiiing.

Thank you.
 
jamie99

jamie99

Well-known member
Ah to be young again...

Have i lost my ****ing mind? whats wrong with me? has being alone with my thoughts so long made me crazy? Just when i think i beat this shit everything falls apart...maybe it's wrong to think i can beat it, maybe i need to accept it. Who knows.
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Just a thought:



It seems that I'm a jerky guy magnet.

Maybe I may look intimidating. But if a guy would like me, I want him to be brave enough to approach me. But it's like those guys who do approach me are only the jerks!!!!!

And as I observed about girls who have or had a boyfriend.... they are either bitch, girly girly flirts, stupid girls who just wanted to be in a relationship, super shy innocent looking girls, and the rare ones are "the nice girls who luckily found their prince".

And in majority... most of those girls are real flirts or bitch. And sometimes, I wonder if I have to act like a bitch to find my man. Maybe those "nice guys" who are chicken enough to approach me will have the courage to ask me if I will act that way. But I don't want to pretend. I don't want to act desperate. And I definitely don't want to act bitchy like them. Plus, I just don't want to accept a guy whom I don't like just for the sake of having a boyfriend!

So what shall I do? Wait wait and wait? Will that courageous nice guy will ever appear to me? I don't even have a high standard! I'm not into rich guys or popular guys or very handsome guys, I just want to find a nice guy who will be interested to me, and not just flirt and act buddy buddy with me.

But I guess they only go for the flirty ones. They only like girls who do the first move. And the nice guys are easily taken by more confident nice girls.

And anyway, why am I thinking about it? I don't even like myself, so why should I expect other people to like me too?

LOL! I'm really stupid. :p
 
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Errordotocx

Errordotocx

Well-known member
I really like the idea you have going here. I've decided to start my own, although it's just a personal one in a word document. I hope that it give me an outlet to express how I am feeling as I need to say it in some form or another and I often feel people I know just won't understand the things I say. Or it might be a little too much for them. I guess I had a lot to say in it last night as I almost wrote three full pages in word about my day yesterday. Hopefully they won't be that long every day because I don't have time to write that much each day lol.
 
RND_CHR

RND_CHR

Well-known member
I've read a few of your posts. They're incredibly honest. Maybe it's easy to be honest because this website is almost anonymous. I'm you're age too, 22, and I'm still in college but I can really relate to a lot of the trouble you're having, especially when you talk about death. Sometimes I think, how can I live another 60 years in the condition that I'm in. I can't. I just want to disappear unnoticed. I guess it's hypocritical that I don't really care about my life but I care what other people think about me. I dunno. It's weird how I can have a social life and still feel terrible.
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Errordotocx said:
I really like the idea you have going here. I've decided to start my own, although it's just a personal one in a word document. I hope that it give me an outlet to express how I am feeling as I need to say it in some form or another and I often feel people I know just won't understand the things I say. Or it might be a little too much for them.
Click to expand...
Exactly :)

Errordotocx said:
I guess I had a lot to say in it last night as I almost wrote three full pages in word about my day yesterday. Hopefully they won't be that long every day because I don't have time to write that much each day lol.
Click to expand...

And you will suddenly find that you've already made a book. :D
 
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