the "whatever" journal
- Thread starter w*n*c*a*m
- Start date
Thank you txjeepin 
yeah! I can relate to her that's why I want to be her friend.... but then I sometimes wonder if she really wanted to have a friend or maybe she just wants to be alone. And I don't wanna be too persistent if she doesn't really like it.
Anyway, one time she approached me and borrowed a "jobseek newspaper" I bought (which is surprising because she doesn't approach my other classmates). Unfortuantely, that was the last time I saw her, she stopped attending our speech class and they wondered why.
But for me, maybe she found a job after she borrowed it from me. Well, I'm happy for her if that's the case. But I won't be able to know her better now.
yeah! I can relate to her that's why I want to be her friend.... but then I sometimes wonder if she really wanted to have a friend or maybe she just wants to be alone. And I don't wanna be too persistent if she doesn't really like it.
Anyway, one time she approached me and borrowed a "jobseek newspaper" I bought (which is surprising because she doesn't approach my other classmates). Unfortuantely, that was the last time I saw her, she stopped attending our speech class and they wondered why.
But for me, maybe she found a job after she borrowed it from me. Well, I'm happy for her if that's the case. But I won't be able to know her better now.
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Aug. 26, 2008
1557
What have I done???! I sent my resume online yesterday and applied to several companies and now they all want me to come for an interview tomorrow!!! What the heck??? What am I going to do??? And what's worse is, I promised all of them that I could come tomorrow! But how could I possibly do that????! Some of them have the same schedules and I didn't even bothered to change my schedule because I was too overwhelmed!
Somebody please tell me that I am stupid! because I am!
Now I don't know if I still want to proceed tomorrow.... but then all I have done will be such a waste if I wouldn't come! But then i don't really know how to go to those locations and I don't wanna bother my Dad to come with me!
So what am I going to do?
I haven't expected that they'll contact me this early at the same time! I am doomed!
1557
What have I done???! I sent my resume online yesterday and applied to several companies and now they all want me to come for an interview tomorrow!!! What the heck??? What am I going to do??? And what's worse is, I promised all of them that I could come tomorrow! But how could I possibly do that????! Some of them have the same schedules and I didn't even bothered to change my schedule because I was too overwhelmed!
Somebody please tell me that I am stupid! because I am!
Now I don't know if I still want to proceed tomorrow.... but then all I have done will be such a waste if I wouldn't come! But then i don't really know how to go to those locations and I don't wanna bother my Dad to come with me!
So what am I going to do?
I haven't expected that they'll contact me this early at the same time! I am doomed!
CK23
Well-known member
Aug 25 2008
Yea, i know what you're thinking, it's Aug 27th and this moron is posting this bloggish kind of msg now??? Truth is, i couldnt help but write about the stuff i experienced 2 days ago... I was looking for a way to express these feelings as i couldnt express them to anybody else as well as i could by writing them down and that too on the best website i've ever visited (Now that's saying something!!!) hee hee... Okay, so it all started last friday when i suddenly came to know i was supposed to go with my senior at the office where i work... we were both going to go on Monday for a client visit... I like her very very much cos she's got a gr8 personality and she's got this elder sisterish kind of attitude with me which makes me whack!!! hee hee... * nervous laughter*... I went to her house in the morning, feeling rather scared and tiny... I'm a guy and that too 23 years and counting...Still, Social anxiety makes me feel inferior to other people especially near smart, together and caring women... She fits the description perfectly... I stood near her house scared to go in... trying to muster the courage to be like a junior friend to her, a little brother so to speak... She looked out the balcony and told me to come up... She had this really super kool pose and she talks to me at random, surprisingly i was wonderfully open to her as well.. i said things so freely in such a relaxed manner... i've never seen myself this carefree before... She gave me tea and while i drank we continued talking... i told her some problems i had come up with and she guided me like an expert... she's 26 so she's got the perfect elder sister attitude anybody would want... Then we went in her air conditioned automatic car to the client... i told her about the problems i had faced at high school, the way i was abused and emotionally tortured... I had always dreamed of talking like that with her but i was always very scared she'll dump me and i'll be doomed for good... She wore dark sun glasses while we talked in the car... At the clients' place we had coffee and we were in a separate room all by ourselves... She was Terrific at the conversation part, she gave me some solid tips and tightened up my loose screws... She told me she had once performed in fornt of a 1000 people back in school and said the only way to overcome my anxiety was to face my fears.... she agreed on the taking baby steps part... but siad i had to keep at it and be friendly towards people... She gave me one of her song recordings on my mobile before we left... i listen to it every night before sleeping... I laso thank God every day for this truly amazing experience... I hope to carry this forward.. i LOVED this experience and it was the best day of my life so far... I'd cried so hard for a friend after all the abuse and i feel that it was worth the wait after getting to know this wonderful friend of mine, my Elder sister, my best friend...
Yea, i know what you're thinking, it's Aug 27th and this moron is posting this bloggish kind of msg now??? Truth is, i couldnt help but write about the stuff i experienced 2 days ago... I was looking for a way to express these feelings as i couldnt express them to anybody else as well as i could by writing them down and that too on the best website i've ever visited (Now that's saying something!!!) hee hee... Okay, so it all started last friday when i suddenly came to know i was supposed to go with my senior at the office where i work... we were both going to go on Monday for a client visit... I like her very very much cos she's got a gr8 personality and she's got this elder sisterish kind of attitude with me which makes me whack!!! hee hee... * nervous laughter*... I went to her house in the morning, feeling rather scared and tiny... I'm a guy and that too 23 years and counting...Still, Social anxiety makes me feel inferior to other people especially near smart, together and caring women... She fits the description perfectly... I stood near her house scared to go in... trying to muster the courage to be like a junior friend to her, a little brother so to speak... She looked out the balcony and told me to come up... She had this really super kool pose and she talks to me at random, surprisingly i was wonderfully open to her as well.. i said things so freely in such a relaxed manner... i've never seen myself this carefree before... She gave me tea and while i drank we continued talking... i told her some problems i had come up with and she guided me like an expert... she's 26 so she's got the perfect elder sister attitude anybody would want... Then we went in her air conditioned automatic car to the client... i told her about the problems i had faced at high school, the way i was abused and emotionally tortured... I had always dreamed of talking like that with her but i was always very scared she'll dump me and i'll be doomed for good... She wore dark sun glasses while we talked in the car... At the clients' place we had coffee and we were in a separate room all by ourselves... She was Terrific at the conversation part, she gave me some solid tips and tightened up my loose screws... She told me she had once performed in fornt of a 1000 people back in school and said the only way to overcome my anxiety was to face my fears.... she agreed on the taking baby steps part... but siad i had to keep at it and be friendly towards people... She gave me one of her song recordings on my mobile before we left... i listen to it every night before sleeping... I laso thank God every day for this truly amazing experience... I hope to carry this forward.. i LOVED this experience and it was the best day of my life so far... I'd cried so hard for a friend after all the abuse and i feel that it was worth the wait after getting to know this wonderful friend of mine, my Elder sister, my best friend...
To CK23:
LOL! Actually, my first reaction was.... "Oh! My God, someone replied to me with this long post!" and I was really anxious that it's some kind of a hate letter telling me to stop posting a journal msg.
Anyway, I'm really glad that you've chosen this thread to share your great experience.
LOL! Actually, my first reaction was.... "Oh! My God, someone replied to me with this long post!" and I was really anxious that it's some kind of a hate letter telling me to stop posting a journal msg.
Anyway, I'm really glad that you've chosen this thread to share your great experience.
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CK23 said:Thank you so much Wingcharm... I'm sorry i've been obssessed with my own feelings... i'll read the stuff you posted on this thread and i'll come up with my own comments to make you feel good... I'm just getting into the SAD mode once again... story of my life i guess...
It's really ok Ck23
And please don't feel obliged to comment on my post.
Just comment to me if you really want to.
I'm sorry that you're in SAD mode again. You might want to share your feelings if you want. And I won't care if you're being obssessed with your feelings because as you can see... I do too.
After all, I believe that it's better to let it out and write all our feelings
than just hide it. And writing is a good therapy.
CK23
Well-known member
Your words definitely make me feel comfortable... and NO WAY i was first gonna comment on a post of yours before i went further... I read the one about your silent class mate... i totally relate to that... i was an exact mirror image of that girl back in high school... and worse was the fact that the rowdy boys there used to knock me around like a football for fun... i was a shattered teenager when i finished that torturous period... This is a really kool idea of yours... this blog like thread you've started... And you're spot on when you say writing is good theraphy... that is just what i think too...
CK23
Well-known member
Aug 26 2008
I woke up late for work on Tuesday... the truly amazing time i'd had the previous day with my big sister (A.K.A my office senior or colleague) had left me in kind of a daze when i returned in the evening...I mean there i was thinking how lucky others were who had visited her and opened up to her and i just kept hoping and hoping i might get to be a little brother to her and improve on my confidence..And now, i had actually been to her house and spent an entire day with her... She hadnt been annoyed with me, and she seemed like she liked me.... I was on a high the next day... but still SA kicked into gear again as i went to the office...hurtful thoughts entered my mind again, 'Okay, so you spent a day with her, gives her all the more reason to kick you in the ass and stay away from you and you're a loner and you've opened up to her... she isnt happy about that, she'll avoid you cos of it you jackass...why the hell did you do it... Then she came to the office later than she usually does... head strong, walking smartly to her room, bold and energetic... She logged in on her msn and i felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my stomach... i said hi and hoped she'd reply... she didnt let me say much... and i waited obediently for her to msg me again.. but then she left for lunch and waved to me..the whole day passed when she came back... there wasnt any real work in the office that day so she came back when it was almost time to go... I couldnt bring myself to go to her and talk... scared that i might lose her and slip into a coma... i thought she'd glare at me and tell me to stop bothering her...so i hesitated and just stayed in my seat... Eventually i made an excuse to drink water and prayed she'd be there... she was there when i went she was having some coffee and then i couldnt take it any longer and i had to ask her how her day had been... what comforted me then was the magnificent time i had had with her yesterday... I felt like my voice was bolder and when that was mixed with my empathy and care i felt over the moon... I Felt like i would break myself if i ever disappointed her... then it was all back to square one... home, with no firends to talk to, cousins who had thrown me 10 feet in deep water when i needed them... just plain old me going through life, thanking God for giving me a super kool friend and begging Him not to take her away from me...
I woke up late for work on Tuesday... the truly amazing time i'd had the previous day with my big sister (A.K.A my office senior or colleague) had left me in kind of a daze when i returned in the evening...I mean there i was thinking how lucky others were who had visited her and opened up to her and i just kept hoping and hoping i might get to be a little brother to her and improve on my confidence..And now, i had actually been to her house and spent an entire day with her... She hadnt been annoyed with me, and she seemed like she liked me.... I was on a high the next day... but still SA kicked into gear again as i went to the office...hurtful thoughts entered my mind again, 'Okay, so you spent a day with her, gives her all the more reason to kick you in the ass and stay away from you and you're a loner and you've opened up to her... she isnt happy about that, she'll avoid you cos of it you jackass...why the hell did you do it... Then she came to the office later than she usually does... head strong, walking smartly to her room, bold and energetic... She logged in on her msn and i felt like someone had knocked the wind out of my stomach... i said hi and hoped she'd reply... she didnt let me say much... and i waited obediently for her to msg me again.. but then she left for lunch and waved to me..the whole day passed when she came back... there wasnt any real work in the office that day so she came back when it was almost time to go... I couldnt bring myself to go to her and talk... scared that i might lose her and slip into a coma... i thought she'd glare at me and tell me to stop bothering her...so i hesitated and just stayed in my seat... Eventually i made an excuse to drink water and prayed she'd be there... she was there when i went she was having some coffee and then i couldnt take it any longer and i had to ask her how her day had been... what comforted me then was the magnificent time i had had with her yesterday... I felt like my voice was bolder and when that was mixed with my empathy and care i felt over the moon... I Felt like i would break myself if i ever disappointed her... then it was all back to square one... home, with no firends to talk to, cousins who had thrown me 10 feet in deep water when i needed them... just plain old me going through life, thanking God for giving me a super kool friend and begging Him not to take her away from me...
CK23
Well-known member
I can't see why people dont understand what i'm going through... If i had told them what a gr8 day i'd had with my friend they'd say hurtful things to send me into panic mode again... I'm frozen, going round and round in circles....nothing ever changes... clearly days like the one i spent on Monday August 25th... those days come once in a blue moon.... What can i do anyways... when i approach someone studying with me they give me the cold shoulder... they only come to me when they want my help in studying... when i approach my cousins and really show my empathy and care...they take me for granted and never give back the love i give them... I cant bear to open up to them again... i cant risk getting hurt even more... She hasnt shown up for work today, my workplace friend i was talking about... i cant call her for that would smash me into pieces... it would just be the colossal fear of loss... I wouldnt even get to the point where i risk losing her... i'll probably be knocked out even before she says hello... goodness knows what kind of hello that would be ' a harsh one' or a gentle one... i wouldnt even know... i'm waiting till tomorrow, praying that when i do meet her i get to say something and not freak out like i usually do... She's one of the few good things that have happened to me in my past life...
Just a thought:
Before, I find disagreements in this room amusing because it gave the forum some kind of a twist. It's like, I was so used reading depressing threads and then suddenly there comes a fight! :twisted:
But now, the fight is becoming more frequent that the "support forum" is gradually lacking sense.
So why am I writing this? because I want to voice my opinion but I'm not the type of person who wanna butt in to those kind of threads and tell them to stop.
From what I've observed, these are the real cause of their fight:
1. Some are oversensitive and pessismistic.
They interpret a thread in a very negative way even if the real purpose of the thread is to help us. I've read those kind of "help threads" and I can see that they really meant well so I find it SURPRISING when someone replies negatively.
C'mon, this is a support forum, so why don't we try to accept those people who want to help us? Why treat them rudely? or are you reacting that way because you don't really believe that you can be helped? or you're just jealous because that person was able to overcome SA? Can't we even give some credit to those people who bothered to write encouraging words for us?
2. Some are too aggressive, narrow-minded and judgemental
They are the ones who meant to help but they're choice of words are SO INNAPROPRIATE, SARCASTIC AND RUDE that even I, sometimes, doubt if that person's real intention is to help and not to mock. Let's just keep in our mind that a bad choice of word may hurt a person's feeling especially that this not just any forum but an SA forum.
3. Some are just REALLY RUDE
I don't know if they just love getting themselves into trouble, or they just want the attention, or they hate the world, or they don't know how to control their anger, or they make this forum as a scapegoat?!
Disagreement is not bad. But if we want to voice our ideas and opinions, why don't we try to reply in a more civilized manner. Let's focus on the topic and not personally attack the one we are debating with. :wink:
Before, I find disagreements in this room amusing because it gave the forum some kind of a twist. It's like, I was so used reading depressing threads and then suddenly there comes a fight! :twisted:
But now, the fight is becoming more frequent that the "support forum" is gradually lacking sense.
So why am I writing this? because I want to voice my opinion but I'm not the type of person who wanna butt in to those kind of threads and tell them to stop.
From what I've observed, these are the real cause of their fight:
1. Some are oversensitive and pessismistic.
They interpret a thread in a very negative way even if the real purpose of the thread is to help us. I've read those kind of "help threads" and I can see that they really meant well so I find it SURPRISING when someone replies negatively.
C'mon, this is a support forum, so why don't we try to accept those people who want to help us? Why treat them rudely? or are you reacting that way because you don't really believe that you can be helped? or you're just jealous because that person was able to overcome SA? Can't we even give some credit to those people who bothered to write encouraging words for us?
2. Some are too aggressive, narrow-minded and judgemental
They are the ones who meant to help but they're choice of words are SO INNAPROPRIATE, SARCASTIC AND RUDE that even I, sometimes, doubt if that person's real intention is to help and not to mock. Let's just keep in our mind that a bad choice of word may hurt a person's feeling especially that this not just any forum but an SA forum.
3. Some are just REALLY RUDE
I don't know if they just love getting themselves into trouble, or they just want the attention, or they hate the world, or they don't know how to control their anger, or they make this forum as a scapegoat?!
Disagreement is not bad. But if we want to voice our ideas and opinions, why don't we try to reply in a more civilized manner. Let's focus on the topic and not personally attack the one we are debating with. :wink:
Argamemnon
Well-known member
I suffer from very severe social anxiety; I can give you some if you want.krs2snow said:
CK23
Well-known member
So i screwed things up again... I thought i'd learnt from the past, and i thought i was actually getting better... but there it was again... The SA crap totally kicking my ass... I only have 1 work place friend, which may be an exaggeration... I was having trouble with the project i'm doing and needed some help... i like her and respect her a lot... i dont know it's just this Elder sister - Little brother thing... i've always had this desire to have a big sister to look up to... I was so afraid of calling her, cos i am delusional... i just had the most magnificent day with her a few days back and then i just blew things up... first i hesitate 12 times before i write down any msgs on Msn asking her for help... and then when she arrives i lose it completely... my voice gets corky, and my facial expression goes haywire... i thought she was annoyed with me... maybe she'll dump me for good this time... i just dont deserve any friends.... i'm just meant to be alone... Just have this plea to God that i cant do it alone... I do trust Him but in this world i cant live alone without a friend so please dont take this away from me... i cant go on like i used to... i cant take the pain...I'm sorry if i annoyed anyone writing this post, it's not easy reading someone else's posts who is the way i am...
CK23
Well-known member
Wingcharm i am most grateful to you... Right now i'm thinking i want to add you on my Msn but still feeling you might not want to talk to me... Cos right now i'm walking in your shoes and thinking 'maybe this guy's a fraud, sadistic kind of guy looking for attention'... and thats why i dont communicate... when someone likes me i go head over heels and they get scared of me... i cant help doing that cos of the loneliness, even though i dont open up too much and i'm very careful of what i say so that i dont drive the other person away i'm still thinking the person is annoyed with me... i'm not outspoken, i dont kid around... Why the hell am i so respectful?.... I hope to know your name and i want to add you on Msn... and i want to be your friend... if you dont feel like talking to me after a while then i'll understand and thanks again... i really appreciate your response...
CK23
Well-known member
I feel horrible cos of the fact that i have been in this SA problem for years and i couldnt afford to marry anyone in my situation...And my parents they wanted me to marry a relative whom they liked... i had no option but to give in and even though i feel like beating myself up for saying this, i feel really upset that she has little confidence and she cant string two words together... I think to myself i'll take care of her, i'll use every fibre of my body to make things okay... then there's this part of me that says 'Will it ever be okay'? How am i gonna go to visit her relatives and make conversation... She basically doesnt like me cos of the fact that i am alone... she wants me to start driving something i'm terrified about... in our country the traffic is haywire and people are really mean... i fear that i might lose control and self destruct after being insulted... I feel upset when i have to talk to her on the phone... we've had a prolonged engagement cos as things stand i'm a cub in the work place and i cant even earn enough to support myself... The work place friendship i have makes me feel guilty cos i like talking to that friend cos she's got all the stuff i dont and i get attracted by that and i get to look up to her cos of that...I feel that i cant handle this anymore... i hate the fact that the girl i got engaged to doesnt talk and is afraid of escalators and cats... I just settled in cos my mom was taking meds cos of her depression... my dad doesnt know how to drive either and he doesnt know how to stand up to things and lives in a world of his own... I dont know if people want to mock me, insult me or do anything mean to me i'll take it... but i wont back off from loving and caring for someone who saw me when i was invisible... Only my work place friend fits that description.... in the end i just wish i could break down and escape all this madness... I hate the way things are going.... I wish i could have another day like the one i enjoyed.... i really wish!
To CK23:
Wow! Thanks, i really appreciate it!
Too bad I don't have an MSN account and I didn't create one because it will just be useless coz' I'm not always online. I mainly surf just to check this site.
But we can still talk here or you can PM me if you like
Honestly CK23, I was kind'a scared when you said that you accept my friendship. But don't get me wrong
It's not because of you, but because now I'm worried that I will not pass to your expectation and it might cause you dissapointment.
Oh, well! I may not be able to cure your loneliness, but I do wish that all these messages that I'm writing and I'll be writing can atleast give "even just a little" comfort to you.
Wow! Thanks, i really appreciate it!
Too bad I don't have an MSN account
and I didn't create one because it will just be useless coz' I'm not always online. I mainly surf just to check this site.But we can still talk here or you can PM me if you like
Honestly CK23, I was kind'a scared when you said that you accept my friendship. But don't get me wrong
It's not because of you, but because now I'm worried that I will not pass to your expectation and it might cause you dissapointment.
Oh, well! I may not be able to cure your loneliness, but I do wish that all these messages that I'm writing and I'll be writing can atleast give "even just a little" comfort to you.
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