At least know that i'm thinking of you now Wingcharm, and that others also feel this way. I hope more than anything that you find a way to pull through this and eventually be happy. Please try because we all deserve it.
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide.. Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent. I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode. I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life.. I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise. I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.
God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills.. I am tired and hungry and totally useless.(In this department)
-MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK "let's get fucked up and die"
Usually when I'm travelling alone and sitting in a train just looking at the window... I get this weird feeling of emptiness. I feel like I'm just living in this world like a robot. That I am "ME" but I can't really feel my own presence. That I am "breathing" just to live and nothing more. I sometimes try listening to my favorite music so that I can temporarily forget the outside world and find myself again, but it doesn't work.
I'm attending a speech training for two weeks now, thank God I'm able to survive. Anyway, the good thing is that I met new people. And after a long time of being self-absorbed, finally, I met a person who caught my interest. He is one of my classmate in that speech center. He's not a hunk but he looks good, decent, kind'a shy but speaks his opinion in class, and fun to talk with. And another thing that added to my "admiration" is when we had a "getting to know you" activity(where you have to speak in front of the class about yourself and your family, and your classmates will have a chance to ask questions'). I realized how deep he is, how determined, how hardworking and how loving to his family. And I've said to myself "finally, a sensible guy!"... and what more is, he's my age and he's single! (he said, he prefers to focus on his career for now)
I just want him to notice me. But why, oh why life is very ironic? It seems that another guy is attracted to me and not HIM! :?
Well! I was able to have a chance to talk to him alone (twice, always in the jeep... hehe!), and it was fun and comfortable (which is very rare bec. I usually feel awkward talking to a guy)... but most of the time, I could only get a quick conversation with him. plus, there's the other guy whom I couldn't ignore also and he's nice too.
Anyway, earlier this morning... some of my classmates had a group meeting (for their presentation) so I was transfered to another seat... between my crush and the one who has a crush on me (how coincidential) :lol: And we three had a conversation, and I took it a chance to get their FRIENDSTER account.
When i got home. I checked his profile, and oh God! his status is "married!"... ok! i know he is not really married, but doesn't it mean somehting? like, maybe he is single but he is not available? like he is in a "mutual understanding" kind of relationship? and when I checked the comments on his page... one girl calls him "bestfriend" and it seems they are really close!... (sigh!) how can I compete with that?!
Yesterday, I got a lot of calls from my classmates and friends, congratulating me because I passed the board exam. So I say thank you, and all that.
But really, that news freaked me out. I mean, I'm glad because I'm one of the 40% who passed the exam... but then I don't really feel lucky. I'm starting to ask myself "Now what??" "What am I going to do now?" "They're all expecting from me" "But Im scared!"
it's a cycle everyday and everyday...
my thoughts always sink to the worst scenario.
i told myself that i am going to be ok i am going to stop thinking but i just cant...
it's like a feeling being trapped by yrself.u want to get out but u cant..
I'm not sure but I think I have a classmate who has an SA. What's the difference of an SA person to an aloof one, anyway?
She's really a loner and doesn't speak to anyone in class. I'm pretty sure our teacher notices too that's why he really takes an effort to make her smile. (Yeah! he's really a good teacher)
So one time, there is a class activity, and I was partnered to HER. Well, she speaks her opinion to me, so I don't think that she's a shy person. And then after we presented in front of the class, she got a "not to good criticism" (they said she's too shy, that she have to speak louder, that she's in a silent mode blah blah blah)... I felt really bad for her, but then if you'll look at her face, it's a completely blank expression!
She's not even affected!
So she became my temporary seatmate for that day, and I made an effort to make her feel comfortable. I tried to joke with her (but she didn't even smiled). At breaktime, my classmates are all chatting and she's just reading her notebook so I tried starting a conversation to her. like this...
"Hey! what's that?" (What i mean is, what are you reading?) but then she replied "It's a notebook!"...
if it's another person, he/she might get offended by that reply, but then I noticed her nervous smile. So I continued talking to her:
"Oh! is that some quotes?" and she said "No, notes from our lecture"... and after that I don't know what to say.
Yesterday, I was invited by my classmates to hang out, and I accepted it. While we're taking a ride, the topic of conversation is our LONER CLASSMATE. They talked about how silent she is, how she avoids them, that she suddenly disappears. One of my classmate even told us that she took an effort to be friendly to HER but now SHE avoided her. SHE transferred to another SEAT... They even laughed when I mentioned our little conversation about the Notebook (but really, I did not meant it to make fun of her, I just wanted to say that I tried speaking to her also!... but then they all laughed!)
I feel obliged to take the step to make her more comfortable with people. I want to say "HEY! WE'RE BUDDIES! DON'T LET THOSE PEOPLE MAKE YOU DOWN.. I'M HERE! STAND UP!"
But then who am I to say that? She might avoid me too! :?
I almost told the guy that I've been talking to that I admire him because of his nice personality (oh no!) and one impulsive thing I did was "I accepted a job application out of nowhere" and now I have to go there for the pre-hiring exams!!!
So I've decided to fight FIRE with FIRE to that JERKY GUY who's supposed to be my friend!!! He's the same guy who always pisses me off and I have mentioned before in this journal! I know I should stop thinking of him but I just want to trash all this NEGATIVITY I get by writing on this site!!!
1. I went to grocery with my sister and who the hell should we see but HIM! I tried hiding so he won't see me but he did see me anyway!
I dunno but my hate for him have worsened. Now, just seeing his face makes me wanna roll my eyes!
So he approached us and followed (particularly) me while I'm buying stuffs. He chatted and I was nothing but RUDE and SARCASTIC!
THE JERK: Why did you pick these bananas? Some of them looks soggy.
ME: It's okay! We're the one who'll eat this, not you.
THE JERK *while carrying our grocery bags*: You walk so fast, you're leaving me behind!
ME: You're just slow!
THE JERK: I hate those people who leave me
ME: Who cares!
ME: Oh, by the way, we have a can of beer at home... I'll give it to you.
THE JERK: Yeah! It's fun to hang out then!
ME: No! I'll just give the beer then you can go!
And I'm ignoring all his messages.. then last night he texted me:
THE JERK: Ok! I'll just throw this phone and I'll stop bugging you! It's all useless!
ME *suddenly replied*: Oh! Much better! haha!
THE JERK: Goodbye!
Yeah! I was so rude and I don't regret doing those things to him!
But I also admit that I hated myself after that because I know I acted like a complete as**ole. I even felt guilty bec. he still offered to carry our grocery bags after getting the nasty treatment. But I did say Thank you, anyway!
But today.... he texted me again like nothing happened!!! I don' t even know if he was affected by those RUDENESS I've treated him!!!!!! He really pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!! :!:
Sometimes, I wonder if a person's personality and "aura" is inborn?
Like, you were destined (or have a great tendency) to become this kind of person no matter what environment you are in or how people treat you.
yes, I've read theories about personality and I'm not in the position to contradict it... but there are still things that are unexplainable for me.
- The twins:
They live together yet they have totally different personality.
One sister is friendly and nice, while the other one is bossy and rude.
And even if they were born identical, you can see that the first one
has a pleasant face and the other one has a stern look. Their
personality is making a mark on their faces and made them look
So how did they became so different?
- The boring-nice guy:
There is one guy I know who is really friendly to people, and people
treat him nicely but I know that they find him boring, and I find him
boring too... and i really can't help it. He has a lot to talk about and
laughs at jokes like common people do, but I don't really understand
why I feel bored with him. And when you look at him, he really looks
gloomy and boring...
It's like an imprint to his soul.
- Two silent girls:
There is this one girl who is silent and shy, but when she speaks, she
gets a lot of attention easily. She's not even pretty or anything
special to her... but she's got a lot of friends.... effortlessly.
And there is another girl who is silent and shy and she tries to be
friendly with people but they avoid her.
- babies in the nursery:
All of them are healthy, all of them are in the same room... but how
come some of them are so irritable and some are just calm?
I can't help thinking that maybe, each individual has their own "personality imprint" that will never going to change because it is really who he/she is.