the "whatever" journal

[w*n*c*a*m]

I've read a few of your posts. They're incredibly honest. Maybe it's easy to be honest because this website is almost anonymous. I'm you're age too, 22, and I'm still in college but I can really relate to a lot of the trouble you're having, especially when you talk about death. Sometimes I think, how can I live another 60 years in the condition that I'm in. I can't. I just want to disappear unnoticed. I guess it's hypocritical that I don't really care about my life but I care what other people think about me. I dunno. It's weird how I can have a social life and still feel terrible.

I also find this site honest as well. I mean, most of the forum sites created are just mainly focused to the usual stuff, mainly material things. But here, people express their real emotions. And I know that some people can relate to me as well as I can relate to them.

It's also more comfortable to accept messages/advices in this site because I know that they have experienced my own struggle, they won't easily judge me, they won't think that I'm a freak or weird and they won't just give me an "it's no big deal" advices (which I really hate!)

 

[RND_CHR]

It's also more comfortable to accept messages/advices in this site because I know that they have experienced my own struggle, they won't easily judge me, they won't think that I'm a freak or weird and they won't just give me an "it's no big deal" advices (which I really hate!)

Haha. I've been given the, "just have fun" advice. I think that's the worst advice to give, like I have control over how I feel and can make myself instantly better. I can't control my depression, anxiety or any other emotion or attitude. It takes a lot of therapy to change those things. Still, I appreciate that they're trying to help. I guess when you don't experience these things yourself it's hard to understand it unless your a psychologist. I dunno.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

hate my eyes, wanna wear glasses all the time... no, i don't wanna be blind.

 

[AVoidsLife]

Hi Wingcharm, I am impressed with your persistence and candor here. About the glasses part; If you're like most people, unfortunately, you'll "NEED" them as time goes by... cheery thought that, eh? Keep it up!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Hi Wingcharm, I am impressed with your persistence and candor here. About the glasses part; If you're like most people, unfortunately, you'll "NEED" them as time goes by... cheery thought that, eh? Keep it up!

thanks, you honestly cheered me up.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

04/01/09

--------
There's this one guy in our office who's a real extrovert.
He is funny and nice and gets along with girls very well.
He used to call me "Dude!" because of my boyish attitude, and then recently decided to call me
"girlfriend" instead. I know it's a joke so I did not take it seriously. It's actually funny
because I jokingly had an "instant boyfriend" LOL!

He once asked me to help him fold his sleeves. I did it although I warned him that I can't do it well.
(Heck! I can't even fold my sleeves nicely without my sister's help!) Well... I just made his folded sleeves
worse, so he ended up asking help to one of our gay staffs. LOL!
(Yeah! I know it's embarrassing but it's more of a laughing matter to me.)

And so from that day, he just ask me to neatly cover his ID lace in the back of his collar. LOL!

Then this afternoon, he asked me a favor again....

-----------------------------------------------
Him: Hey GF, help me with this ID lace.

Me: Oh sure, that I can do!

and then suddenly...

Him: And give me a kiss after that.

Me: ..............
---------------------------------------------


Well... my girl buddy heard it. She actually knows about the "GF label".
But I know she was also surprised by HIS reply.
She started teasing him and saying stuffs like, "Oh man! She was tongue tied by your answer!"
"Why don't you confess to her!"

Well I just pretended to laugh and act like it did not affect me at all.
Honestly, I was surprised by what he said. But I did not put any malice to it. I know he has a smart mouth!
What bothered me is my girl buddy's teasing. Anyway, the teasing ended shortly and I have forgotten about it.

And then dismissal time came...

So as usual we started hanging out with some of our close officemates and had a playful conversation.

I'm just in my usual place, laughing at their jokes when suddenly, that GUY teased my girl buddy again.
You see, this guy loves teasing girls and I bet she is her favorite. And then this girl buddy blurted out:
"Why do you often tease me?" "Why don't you tease her?" (pointing at me) and then she started telling to some of our
colleagues about the "incident" and asking him why he often gives me "compliments".
I've noticed that she is trying to shift the attention to me. All of them are still
in a joking mode so I just really tried to "ride" with them. But deep inside, it's not getting funny anymore.

---------

I'm really worried that a rumor will start because of her. I want to punch her face at that time.
I know that she just can't handle that guy's teasing so she used me as the easy way out.
I really really hate her! I even gave her a meaningful reply, that I will give her a rabbit punch if she will not stop.

But I don't think she got my warning.

You see, this girl is my closest buddy. We often talk and we even go home together.

So when we're finally alone. I gave her another warning. But I'm afraid she did not take it seriously.
Because all I've heard from her is a "joking threat" that she will have a BIG NEWS to reveal in our company tomorrow.

----------
Those kind of situation are the main reason why I hate getting so familiar with other people!

----------

I don't really know what to do tomorrow. I don't want to act so defensive. So I guess I'll just ignore it and act like
nothing's bothering me at all. But I'll definitely have to "watch out" from that girl.

----------
Why do these things have to happen to me? It's already hard to blend with the "normal" people
then something like this will happen to trigger my paranoid self.

I feel like I always have to "act" to hide my anxieties. It's so exhausting already.

Sometimes, I think that I'm better off alone to avoid these troubles.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

4.2409

I've got a real problem today. Some of my officemates
are bugging me about having a night out
this Fri.
Well, I've told them in advance that
I don't wanna join and I thought it was OK
with them. But now they keep on convincing
me, as in, they are literally, kneeling
and begging me
to come!!!!!
They are pressuring me!!!
It'll be a singing, eating,
dancing, and chatting night!
They don't know how dreadful it is for
someone like me!!!
Now they're trying to make me feel guilty. And they keep on asking me
why I don't wanna come. I told them
that I don't sing or drink. And they said that it's fine. I can just stay
and chat with them. But that's the main
problem!!!! I'll feel more uncomfortable!!!
I don't want to disappoint them. But I don't want to come!!! Oh, please!!!!
Somebody please let me disappear
at this moment.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

4.25.2k9

In the end, they were able to convince me to come with them. Particularly because my girl buddy begged me with a sad and worried face. She said that she will feel out of place if I will not come with them and she already said "YES" to them and she's shy to back out. Because of that, I hesitatingly agreed. Telling her that she owe me one. She even promised that we will go home early.

Big mistake!

The place that we went to is a bar with a private room for singing and eating.
I felt that I was fooled. They told me that they're just a few. But I've seen that we're 15 in the room. Most of them, I'm uncomfortable or unfamiliar with.

They were all singing and dancing and shouting while I'm just there staring at the screen with my girl buddy. When they've asked for drinks. Only 4 of us ordered juice because the majority are drinkers. One fat girl even tried to make fun of "us"... telling that we're "babies".

I just tried to smile and kept my cool although I'm already pissed off because I'm not supposed to be in that situation.

Some of them kept on asking if I'm OK and I don't know if I'll feel comforted or annoyed. 2 of my friends even sang a song to keep me entertained. And the "extrovert guy" ( that I've mentioned before) kept on assisting me.

I don't know if I'll feel special or helpless.

And then the worst thing is.... the "girl buddy" was finally convinced to sing a song, and because she really has a good voice, she suddenly became the "diva" in the room. And so I ended feeling left out instead.

And then another thing happened.

The "extrovert guy" told me that he will sing a song for me.
So the guy sang (the song is all about secret admiration). Well, everyone cheered and teased him to the pretty girl beside him (who has a BF). (Like I told you, he is really a flirt to all girls) Well, in my mind I was quite amused because they really thought that the song was for the girl. And they were all talking that a new love team was officially created.

Well, the "extrovert guy" did not expect it. It was so noisy and he was making a a hand signal to me that I did not quite understand. But it seems that, he is saying "there is nothing...". Well, I'm not even sure if he really meant that song for me after what happened so I said "nothing? for what?"
and he said "I'll say it on the phone later".

I felt more uncomfortable because everyone thought that "extrovert guy" has a thing for the "pretty girl". And I'm so scared that somebody will notice that it was actually meant for me. (You know how I hate getting people's attention)
Plus, the "pretty girl" is so popular and everybody loves her. (She's like the counterpart of the "extrovert guy") They might get disappointed and criticize me.

My anxiety worsened when "extrovert guy" said that he will accompany me home. I insisted that I can go home by myself. Anyway, 2 of my friends will go home with me.

I was already so confused at that time so I asked "girl buddy" to go out of the room and I told her my confusion.

She revealed to me that "the extrovert guy" told her that "he" actually likes me... and "he" also likes the "pretty girl". He is not planning of getting a GF because he will leave the country soon. I was so appalled. I felt ashamed to think that "he" only has the eye for me.

I suddenly felt so insecure because I'm so low compared to the "prettiest and coolest girl" in our office.

I honestly felt disappointed because I was close to liking him too. I know it is just a crush but for me if a guy will like me I only want him for myself.

I'm also scared that some of my office mates will know the "truth" and they will start comparing "me" to the "pretty girl" and a rumor will spread.

So now, I just wish that "he" only likes "the pretty girl".

---------------
So at 3 am the event ended. And while we three girls are in the taxi. One of my office mate told the "girl buddy" that "it's good that she was able to convince me" Well, I told her the reason, then "girl buddy" said that she is only a good actress. (I definitely know that she is lying) So much for acting like a hero!
----------------

PS. Well, before I typed this, the "guy" called me and asked if i safely arrived home. I just replied casually and didn't give any sign that I know that he likes me. He thanked me for coming.

I just wish that I did not say "YES". So I would have remained "innocent" from all of "these" things and have never felt like a loser in the group. ::

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

I like him but I'm so scared of him.
I'm scared that he will know the real me and be disappointed.
I'm such a fake. He doesn't deserve me.
This anxiety is like a monster. I want to scream and cry at the same time.
I want to get out of this situation but I know I'll be sad too.
But maybe it's better to just let myself be sad than to be rejected someday.
Or maybe it's better to be risky for a change.
But I'm not that person. I'm a coward. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone.
I just wish that he did not confess to me.
So that he won't need to know my answer.
So I can just have his attention without the commitment.
So that if he leaves me, it will be easier to let go and forget about everything...
especially my feelings.

I'm not ready about this. He surprised me. I did not expect this to happen.
I've decided that I'll stay alone. And I know I am happy that way.
But now this guy appears to confuse me. He is making my world go crazy!
Oh please... I desperately don't know what to do!!!!!!!!

PS. I can't sleep. I'm so distracted. My emotions are going crazy. From happy to anxious mode. It's like a roller coaster in my chest. Oh please, somebody give me a break. Let everything halt even just for a day. I just don't want to admit this because I know I will sound stupid.... but I am really freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

05.04.2k9

My status with the "extrovert guy" now is "Mutual Understanding". The only thing that stops me to put our relationship into the next level is "my doubt about his feelings". My motto for him is: "We'll see...". I am thinking that maybe his feeling is just infatuation for me and it will just pass. So I am giving him time to think about his feelings, although he is convincing me that it is "for real".
Anyway, he is acting like my real boyfriend. And a while ago, he mentioned about his parents and he said that if ever we become a "real couple", he wants me to meet his parents!

I like him. But since he confessed, I felt so anxious more than ever!

I don't know if I can handle this for long. ::

 

[Scrabbl]

It's complicated and I'm not gonna pretend I understand ur situation. But I say go for it! So what if it doesn't work out? what's the worst that could happen

I recently met someone who liked to tease people. The best way I found of dealing with person is to just try to accept myself.; i know that is easier said than done. but I actually did it. I openly talked about my insecurities, made fun of my weaknesses, etc.

i enjoyed reading ur journal. It's so honest. I see parts of myself in your words, even if its sometimes things I don't wanna see

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

It's complicated and I'm not gonna pretend I understand ur situation. But I say go for it! So what if it doesn't work out? what's the worst that could happen

I recently met someone who liked to tease people. The best way I found of dealing with person is to just try to accept myself.; i know that is easier said than done. but I actually did it. I openly talked about my insecurities, made fun of my weaknesses, etc.

i enjoyed reading ur journal. It's so honest. I see parts of myself in your words, even if its sometimes things I don't wanna see

After a lot of thinking, I finally decided to "go for it" just like what you've said. Your reply really helped me a lot to consider things and get a little piece of my courage. Thank you so much!!!

5/9/2k9
And so early this morning, while we're in the bus. I suddenly said "yes" to him.

 

[Scrabbl]

wow wingcharm you are fast! If i were you i would've waited for some "right situation", basically made a ton of excuses and waited forever before I made the move. I'm very happy for you.

I've got more advice if you find them helpful:

try not to feel guilty about your being selfish emotionallly. I know you might think you're a bad person because you focus on yourself all the time instead of the people around you. But that's not your fault. It's a symptom all of us social phobics have. Social phobia is not your fault. Feeling guilty (about ur selfishness or anything at all) is the last thing you need if you want to eventually be able to accept yourself. And obviously don't let your new bf make u feel guilty in any way lol.

As for your goals of not caring about what people think etc, remember that those are difficult goals to achieve right away. So don't beat urself up if you can't do it. Take it nice and slow, note every little bit of success or progress, and don't dwell on your mistakes and failures.

so that's something that has helped me before (and still does). I hope you find it useful. I think it's important to repeat these positive / correct thoughts over and over in your mind until it becomes a habit, a part of how your mind works.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

wow wingcharm you are fast! If i were you i would've waited for some "right situation", basically made a ton of excuses and waited forever before I made the move. I'm very happy for you.

I've got more advice if you find them helpful:

try not to feel guilty about your being selfish emotionallly. I know you might think you're a bad person because you focus on yourself all the time instead of the people around you. But that's not your fault. It's a symptom all of us social phobics have. Social phobia is not your fault. Feeling guilty (about ur selfishness or anything at all) is the last thing you need if you want to eventually be able to accept yourself. And obviously don't let your new bf make u feel guilty in any way lol.

As for your goals of not caring about what people think etc, remember that those are difficult goals to achieve right away. So don't beat urself up if you can't do it. Take it nice and slow, note every little bit of success or progress, and don't dwell on your mistakes and failures.

so that's something that has helped me before (and still does). I hope you find it useful. I think it's important to repeat these positive / correct thoughts over and over in your mind until it becomes a habit, a part of how your mind works.

I really appreciate your advice. I'll take note of all the things you've said.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

06.13.2k9

A lot of things happened since the last time I've posted here.

Since he's known in the company, I suddenly became the point of interest of some co-workers and officers.

I received praises, questions, tease, stare and even indirect mockery. It was uncomfortable but it didn't become a
big deal for me since I've expected those things to happen. The only thing that pissed me off is that for some
people I'm just the "innocent virgin girl victim". What infuriated me most is that there are some moments when I'm
alone with my boyfriend and then some "bitches" will either suddenly butt in and tease him like "Oh! how sweet!"
"Why don't you give her a kiss?" "What's the name of the girl again?" - as if I'm invisible!!! There is even one time
when one bitch suddenly shouted something like "Oh! He is just fooling you!!!" and then gave a mocking laugh!
It really got into my nerves and I almost answered back if I didn't control my temper.
I just told him that I was offended and I'll give that girl a piece of my mind if she wouldn't stop. He calmed me and said that
I shouldn't ruin my nice image by leveling down with them. Well, he talked to "them" and they've gradually learned to shut up.
But actually, I'm not sure if I'm glad about what he did. A part of me felt like I'm such a "sensitive weakling", I should've
tried ignoring them harder than whine about it... but then I hate feeling like a cheap-gullible-stupid girl when I hear those
bitches, and I can't make them stop without putting myself into trouble too.
Once, I even complained why he has to be "well-known" although it's pretty unreasonable to blame him.



------------------------

It's just so weird that I can find a guy who acts so happy-go-lucky and charming outside but is deeply sensitive and loving inside.
I can't help feeling like a "nobody" compared to him who is "loved" by many.
And when he says he is so lucky being with me, I feel guiltier because I don't think I deserve his praise.

When I remember those words, I feel happy.I know that I have something to be proud of. But it still sucks when my negative mind interferes.

sigh!
--------------------

I didn't even notice that it's been a month since I said "yes" to him if he did not remind me. LOL!

Less people are bugging us now and I feel more comfortable showing my feelings to him.

I'm still worried about him going abroad.
And next weekend, he will introduce me to his family!!! Oh shoot!

But then, like he said, why should I waste my time worrying, if I can try to enjoy?

yeah...


whatever...

 

[Scrabbl]

Wingcharm ur back! I missed your journal

It's good hearing that you've survived and it sounds like you're doing very well.

You said that you feel like you don't deserve him. One of the things I'm kind of working on right now is also self esteem problems. I'm gonna write out some of the things that helped me and hopefully it'll help other ppl who read this.

People who care about you will accept and respect you for who you are. Not for you money, how you look or what skills you possess.

you have the right to your own values, beliefs, opinions and emotions, and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter what the opinions of others are

You have the right not to have to justify or explain your feelings or actions to others.

YOu have the right to tell others how you wish to be treated.

You have to the right to express yourself and say "no", "I don't know", "I don't understand" or even " I don't care"

You have the right to change your mind and to make mistakes. We're human; everybody make mistakes; making mistakes is normal

You have right to have a positive, satisfying relationship within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly, and the right to change or end the relationship if it doesnt meet your needs.

I'm gonna try to memorize these.

 

[gale]

WARNING: IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY OPENED THIS THREAD, AND JUST WANT TO READ OUT OF CURIOSITY. THIS POST IS THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT TO READ. THIS IS VERY un-wingcharm BECAUSE THIS IS JUST THE REAL EVIL ME! SO DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME READING THIS STUPID AND USELESS RANTING!

JUST A THOUGHT:

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO BURST IF I WON'T LET IT ALL OUT! I'M JUST FULL OF NEGATIVITY THESE DAYS AND I KEEP ON IGNORING THESE FEELINGS BECAUSE I WANT TO STAY REASONABLE!!!!!! I KEEP ON IGNORING THE HATRED THAT I FEEL INSIDE. I KEEP ON TELLING THAT I HATE MYSELF AND MY PATHETIC LIFE!!!!!! BUT REALLY, HONESTLY, TRUTHFULLY, I JUST DON'T WANNA ADMIT THAT I HATE EVERYTHING AROUND ME!!!! I DON'T ADMIT IT BECAUSE I WANT TO STAY NICE AT LEAST FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

BUT I'M JUST FOOLING MYSELF AND FOOLING ALL OF THEM!!!!!

I'M NOT NICE! I ACTUALLY HATE THEM! MOST OF MY SMILES ARE FAKE. OUT OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT I AM THEIR FRIEND ARE NOT REALLY MY FRIENDS FOR ME. BECAUSE THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW ME. NOBODY KNOWS ME AT ALL! THEY ARE JUST CLOSE ACQUAINTANCES! AND THAT'S ALL! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? WHOM I HATED THE MOST IS THE ONE WHO TREATS ME SO SPECIAL. THE ONE WHO GAVE ME A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS FOR VALENTINES LAST YEAR. I JUST CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I APPRECIATE HER! BUT I REALLY HATE HER. I JUST TOLERATE HER BECAUSE SHE'S SO NICE TO ME. BUT ACTUALLY, I WON'T FORGIVE HER FOR GIVING ME THOSE ROSES. I HATE THE WAY SHE MADE ME THINK THAT IT CAME FROM SOME ADMIRER. I HATE THE FACT THAT I BECAME THE NEWS MAKER OF OUR CAMPUS JUST BECAUSE OF THOSE STUPID FLOWERS. EVEN IF I DID NOT REALLY BELIEVE THAT IT COULD COME FROM A REAL ADMIRER, I CAN'T HELP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF WHEN SHE ADMITTED THAT IT CAME FROM HER! AND IT'S WORSE TO THINK THAT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ROSES AND FELT SORRIER FOR ME! WHAT I HATE MOST IS SYMPATHY! BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY NEED IT! AND IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE OF HER.

I HATE TO SEE MY HIGH SCHOOL "FRIENDS" SMILE AND BRAG ABOUT THEIR LIFE. THEY DO IT INDIRECTLY BUT I JUST KNOW THAT THEY ARE SHOWING OFF!!!!! AFTER ALL, THAT'S WHAT NORMAL HUMANS REALLY DO, TO BOOST THEIR EGO! THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL CONFIDENCE!!! AND IF IT'S MONETARY, I'LL GO BANKRUPT BECAUSE I HATE SHOWING OFF MYSELF. I HATE TO RIDE WITH THOSE SH***Y HEADS PEOPLE AND BECOME SH***Y HEADS LIKE THEM, THINKING ABOUT NOTHING BUT TO MAKE THEM LOOK KINGS AND QUEENS IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE!

I HATE MY SISTER AND HER BOYFRIEND. I HATE HOW THEY POSITIVELY PERCEIVES THE FUTURE, AS IF THE WORLD BELONGS TO THEM! I HATE ALL THEIR LOVEY-DOVEY PICTURES THAT INVADED THE FOLDER OF MY PC!!!!
THEY'VE DONE NOTHING BUT TAKE A PHOTO OF THEM EMBRACING!!! I HATE HOW THEY TRY TO PLEASE ME, ESPECIALLY HER BOYFRIEND. HE KEEPS ON TELLING ME THAT I LOOK CUTE IN A NON-MALICE WAY, THAT MY STYLES ARE REALLY COOL!!!!!! I SECRETLY WANTS TO BARF! I MAY BE COOL BUT I DON'T STILL LIKE HIM. HE'S SUCH A "KNOW ALL" AND VERY GENTLEMANLY! IT'S LIKE HIS BOASTING HIMSELF THAT HE IS THE MOST SWEET, GENTLEMAN AND PERFECT GUY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!! I ESPECIALLY HATE IT THAT THEY RELATE THEIR LOVE STORY TO SOME OF MY SONG COLLECTIONS AND MAKE IT THEIR KIND OF THEME SONG! AS IF THE SONGS ARE MADE PERFECTLY FOR THEM!!!!!!!! AND THAT'S WHY HER BOYFRIEND SEEMS TO LIKE ME MORE! BECAUSE HE SAID THAT MY SONGS ARE RARE AND UNIQUE!!!!! WELL, I'VE SEARCHED FOR IT FOR MYSELF AND NOT FOR THEM!!!!!!!! I ALSO HATE THE WAY MY SISTER VENTS TO HIS BOYFRIEND ABOUT ANYTHING. EVEN JUST A SIMPLE HEADACHE!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HER BABYISH VOICE!!!!!! AND I HATE HOW SHE IGNORES MY RANTING ABOUT HER, SHE JUST SAYS "SO WHAT!" AND HAVE THIS ANNOYING "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY" LOOK!!!!!!! I HATE HER SILENT, "YOU ARE MISTAKEN" LOOK WHEN I TELL HER TO STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT RELIGIOUS NONSENSE!!!!!!!
SHE EVEN TOLD ME THAT SHE MENTIONED TO HER BOYFRIEND THAT I AM AN ATHEIST AND SHE SAID THAT HE JUST SHOOK HIS HEAD AS IF HIS FEELING SORRY FOR ME!!!!!!!! WHAT A KNOW IT ALL!!!!!!!! DOES HE REALLY KNOW EVERYTHING? AND WHY DOES MY SISTER HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT? BECAUSE SHE WANTS SOMEONE TO AGREE WITH HER? I'M NOT EVEN DEBATING ABOUT THEIR BELIEFS! I DON'T REALLY CARE WHO'S RELIGIOUS OR NOT! I DON'T EVEN CALL MYSELF AN ATHEIST! AND MY SH*** HEAD SISTER LABELED ME WITH THAT BECAUSE I DON'T FOLLOW THE RELIGIOUS WAY! BUT I DID NOT TRY TO WIN MYSELF BECAUSE AFTER ALL, WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE ABOUT STUPID LABELS! WHAT IF I'M CALLED AN ATHEIST? SO WHAAAAAT? AS IF A PERSON'S CHARACTER AND DIGNITY IS MEASURED BY STUPID LABELS!!!!!!! THEY ARE JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF SHALLOW HEADED PEOPLE WHO LABELS A PERSON EMO JUST BECAUSE HE IS ABLE TO APPRECIATE SOME EMO MUSIC!!!!!! AND CALLS A PERSON A ROCKER BECAUSE HE LIKES ROCK MUSIC!!!! AND I BET AN ATHEIST FOR THEM IS CONSIDERED A DEVIL OR AN ANTI-CHRIST AND ALL THE UGLIEST THAT THEY CAN CALL, JUST BECAUSE I DON'T FOLLOW THE CONVENTIONAL WAY!!!!!!! WELL I CAN'T REALLY SEE ANY DIFFERENCE ABOUT THEIR SENSE OF MORALITY FROM MINE. I AM NOT A REBEL AND I EMPATHIZE WITH THE POOR AND I DON'T DELIBERATELY DO BAD THINGS TO HURT PEOPLE!!!!! I EVEN HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I SEEM TO ACT SOOOOO NICE THAT PEOPLE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF ME ALREADY! AND I DID NOT CARE BECAUSE I SHOULD ACT NICELY!!!!!!! AND I HATE THAT THOSE WHO CALL THEMSELVES "IN THE RIGHT PATH" ARE THE ONES WHO PUTS PEOPLE DOWN AND ACT SO VAIN, IT IS SO DISGUSTING!!!!! I'M NOT RELIGIOUS BUT I FEEL SORRY TO THEIR RELIGION WHEN I SEE THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE!!!!!! I JUST WANT THEM TO STOP BUGGING ME AND GIVE ME UNNECESSARY ADVICES. I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS AND I AM HUMANE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!!!!

I HATE PERFECTIONIST PEOPLE WHO KEEPS ON TELLING ME THAT I'M WRONG! I ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME SO I WANT THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!! I ESPECIALLY HATE THEIR "SURE AURA"!!!!!!!! AND WHY DO THEY INSIST BEING PERFECT? THIS WORLD IS PRETTY F***D UP!!!!!!! IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT HARMONY. I JUST HATE THEM TO TREAT EVERYTHING IN DETAILS!!!!!!! WHAT IF IT'S NOT 101 PERCENT??? WHY SHOULD I CARE???? I WON'T HATE THEM IF THEY JUST LEARN HOW TO MIND THEIR WON BUSINESS!!! WHO THE HELL INVENTED THE WORD "PERFECT"? HE/SHE MUST BE SOME VAIN CREATURE! AND I HATE WHOEVER THAT PERSON IS!!!!!!! NOW THAT "PERFECT" IDEA IS THE MAIN REASON WHY MY SANE BRAIN IS BEING SCREWED UP!!!!!!!! IT'S BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ACCEPTS "PERFECTION" AND SO THEY ARE BEING SOOO INFLUENTIAL AND NOW THEY ARE STUFFING MY MIND WITH ALL THEIR "PERFECTION" CRAP!!!!!

I HAVE MORE THINGS TO SAY AND I'LL BE UNSTOPPABLE IF I'LL CONTINUE! BUT WHAT I'VE MENTIONED ARE MY GREATEST HATE AND I'LL KEEP ON HATING INSIDE AND ACTING OUTSIDE BECAUSE THIS IS THE WORLD THAT I'M LIVING. THIS IS REALITY. THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE CALLED LIFE!!!!!

I can say you really are expressive in here wingcharm.Im very impressed with your posts,you are a good writer i guess,you can really express it.I'm also a sp sufferer but now I guess Im already an avoidant type.Keep it up and keep it coming Im sure many of the members can get many ideas,inspirations,solutions or whatever from your posts in a good and constructive way.Kabayan can i safely say that you came from a well off family?You know we live in the same country and I can surely tell the economic difference(I can say this from reading your posts)between us.Just a thought though.I live in a slum area and a slum area is very full of people 24/7 which makes it like Im living in hell every minute every second of my life ,if ever you can call this existence a life(you know i dont have social life,lovelife etc..).How I wish Im well off financially so that I can buy my own house on top of the mountain with no neighbors so that i can live alone.Btw its good to know that I have a kabayan in this site.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

TO Scrabbl:

Hi Scrabbl! It's nice meeting you again!!! Yeah, I'm just doing fine here and I'll be forever grateful to you for motivating me that time. I didn't really expect that someone would bother reading that post and give me an advice.

So what if it doesn't work out? what's the worst that could happen?

- This statement was so strong that it seemed like a very nice slap on my face and made me decide to get my courage back! So again, thank you.

And about the self-esteem thing... well, yeah, I'm still struggling for it and I should also keep in mind the "Reminders" that you wrote especially these:

You have the right not to have to justify or explain your feelings or actions to others.

You have the right to tell others how you wish to be treated.

You have the right to express yourself and say "no", "I don't know", "I don't understand" or even " I don't care"

You have the right to change your mind and to make mistakes. We're human; everybody make mistakes; making mistakes is normal

Wohoo! Another tough learning for me.

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TO Gale:

Hi Gale! Thank you for the compliment. I didn't really think that people can get something from my posts. My real intention here is to have my own "venting place".
But it's also nice to know that others can relate to my experience and the nicest thing is I was able to receive advices too.
I can't say that I came from a well-off family... we're just middle-class. We also have struggles when it comes to finances.
Actually, sometimes, I envy those people who experienced harder situations because they grew up strong in life.
Unlike me who was comforted by my parents and contented of staying in the bedroom and getting good grades in class.
I thought I'll just stay young and dependent... I thought being good in academics is enough. But actually,life is not about grades.
It's about interaction and survival. And that's one thing that teachers did not emphasize in school.
Now, I'm realizing my mistake and I feel like a real stupid and ignorant when it comes to doing adult responsibilities.

So Gale, just keep on going. You've experienced tough situations and I bet your tougher than me. I'm also glad to meet a kabayan like you.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

Nobody knows how terrible I feel today.
So terrible that I wish to just run run run away
till I collapse and my world goes black and I feel nothing
but my fast breathing.Then I will want to stay that way.

I'll go back to that dark, cold place where I feel my only comfort.
It's the only place that I fit in. If I'll try to go out,
I will only hurt myself and others. So it's better if I'll
return to my real home. I just have to desensitize myself.
to bring back my coldstone heart. So I will be secure again.
So I won't feel this kind of pain again.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

08.01.09

I feel so horrible today. I feel like a stupid, ignorant, careless, gross, everything that is worse-creature.

It seems that all I've done is wrong today. I'm actually
depressed. But I can't show to anyone that I am feeling that way.
Maybe I'm just too hard on myself again. But I really feel that there is something wrong with me.
I don't really understand why I can be considered as smart when it comes to "geeky" stuffs but I act totally dumb when it comes to "practical" stuffs!!!
I really really hate that part of me!
I can get high scores in exams, I can make good composition, I can be good in analyzing things, or good in memorizing....
but when doing simple stuffs like peeling an egg, opening a Styrofoam,
understanding directions, even the way I walk or eat, I seem to make flaws which make me look like a total klutz!!!!

Maybe you'll say that I'm exaggerating. But it's true. Most of my mistakes are things that an average or normal person wouldn't even make flaws of,
basically because it's so simple!!!
Maybe I will forgive myself if I just seldom make mistakes with those kind of stuffs... but I'm so consistent!!!!!!

And the reason why I'm so pissed off today is because
I acted worse than my normal stupid behavior.

I know it's my fault because I'm so absent minded.
But I can't help it. My mind always seems to be in the
"hibernate" mode. It's hard for me to focus on "everyday"
things. I sometimes wonder if I have ADD. But I don't know.
I don't really know!!!!


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