the "whatever" journal

CK23

CK23

Well-known member
Wing charm... i'm extremely sorry i couldnt get to send you a message... i was preoccupied with work and never got a chance to write... Believe me, i fully support you in this communicating on the thread thing.... I could do anything for a good friend... i learnt from the past that you have to let the other person be in charge if you want to be a good friend... appreciate them for who they are and go according to their terms if you want to be accepted... It's just that sometimes the terms are too harsh... like talking once a year and being mocked for being too eager to have communication.... I'm still with 0 friends in my life... online i do have some nice people and i have my office friend... i think the world of her and sometimes i feel like taking a risk and trying to open up with her in the office... When i am free and i dont have work to do i say to myself i have to try... and even though i've got like two dozen smiles from her on Msn and a really caring attitude workwise... i still have my doubts... she's got the superiority as a senior and also being older....so i'm more submissive than ever when you also take in the fact that i am extremely lonely...When i fail after i try to open up to her i go into the self hate mode and i bash myself for mistakes i made...i was too nervous, i was choking, i wasnt brave enough to look her in the eye when i was saying something... my face quivered, my voice got stuck in my throat... I tried it with other people too but i never made any connection unlike i did with her... I'm the most organized, serious, workaholic nerd from the outside but from the inside i am like a fragile little guy who would blast himself into pieces if he let down anyone who was nice to him... In the end i just think i shouldnt have been born, i'm just too much trouble for everyone... everywhere i go people seem upset cos of my too nice attitude, and i hate to hurt them like this... when it comes to my work place friend i feel like asking her to flatten me to the ground cos of my attitude...
 
CK23

CK23

Well-known member
So apart from a few things in my earlier post in this thread i feel dreadful about stuff i wrote... I'd like to write about a few nice things this time... I'm putting up a very good fight against SA... you know, all the times i keep ranting about how depressing my life has been... I just cant think of anything specifically positive right now... I dont know i might have just lost the feeling of being positive, i dont even know how to be positive anymore... How do you expect to write positive things if you're not feeling positive... Truth is i'm hanging on and it's making me feel like throwing up... Now i bash myself when i think that i'm thinking so much shit right now and i have some really nice internet friends and some nice things have happened to me in the past... I dont know it's just loneliness and no friends at the end of the day... i just dont have any friends and i just feel so horrible when i reach out and no one is interested in me... I cant take too many risks, i'm just not brave enough... I mean do you think it's easy for someone with SA to risk losing another person for acting like a leech... Just felt like venting so i let it out... It's good to let out pain in a thread like this... otherwise i'd be worrying the whole day long about this post.... Wingcharm, hope to communicate soon with you... if you feel like it then please talk to me... you've been really nice... Adios to all...thanks!
 
CK23

CK23

Well-known member
I feel so jaded today... i know i'm supposed to be watching happy videos on youtube right now... being generally happy... but when i'm out of work i just cant be happy... and it's soo hard to make conversation in the workplace... i obsess over the work i am supposed to do and i punish myself for being the abnormal 'socio phobic' type... i'm mildly socio phobic as off-late, i mean i can really say that for sure cos when i'm working, like in a call or doing some other work related stuff i do have lots of adrenaline... even though it's negative energy where the reason why i'm really working so hard is cos i'm scared of what will happen if i dont... truth is i get the wind knocked out of my body whenever i slip, even the slightest slip and i slip into a coma... if you know what i mean... I dont come off as normal by any means... to the outside world i am just a shy and quiet guy who doesnt say much at all and just focuses on the work he does at the workplace, and at home he just keeps quiet and cant communicate well with his parents... I cant focus on anything happy, i try to figure out why that is... why am i always down in the dumps... thing is, i really cant cope anymore, i tried putting on a mask and being happy... thought that if i did pretend to be happy i might be able to make it through... but turns out i can't.... cos at the end of the day when you're sitting infront of your laptop screen staring blankly at your offline contacts and contacts who are always online but always unavailable you feel that you cant afford to put on a disguise... if you do put on a disguise, then it might be too overwhelming for you... cos the hurt inside doesnt go away, infact it multiplies when you fake a smile and make conversation when you're actually feeling sick to the bone and just want to show your blood and scream for help! but you cant do that cos you cant just open up to someone out of the blue... that'll destroy you completely given your social anxiety and all... So, i dont know, it just sucks... i mean i dont know how to live with no friends to call when i'm bored, nobody to chat to when i'm on facebook...I've realized that's the problem with me here... it's the loneliness that gets to me... in my workplace i feel frozen and girpped with fear i'll slip... i've had some talks, some communication but it doesnt help right now... i feel extremely alone and i cant figure out how to stop this... maybe just keep praying to God that someone from my workplace would take the time to talk to me for once... i mean i am human afterall, bones, mind, face and all... Not an alien.... :(... P.S wingcharm i dont mind communicating through posts... anything that makes you comfrotable is fine with me... 8)
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
uhm actually... I'd like you to send to me your messenger account or whatever account so i can talk to you... do you have YM? you can PM me if you like...
 
CK23

CK23

Well-known member
I dont have yahoo messenger... so i'll leave you an e.mail... helps to keep in touch... and that's basically what i want but i just keep fearing for the worst... like i'll be like a leech and annoy someone... you know when someone from our workplace leaves (there were two interns that left recently), i hesistated when i had to say goodbye...I wanted to say 'I really want to be friends with you, and i hate the fact you're leaving now and wont be coming back here' but all i ended up saying was a shaky 'keep in touch' with a squeaky voice... one of the interns was a guy a lot most social than me and a lot more together as well... and given the bullying i got from such guys in high school i was kind of not wanting to interact with him at all when he was about to leave the company... but i forced myself to be interactive, i was soo depserate to add his mobile number i could feel it on my face... there was no response to this gesture which comes as no surprise given the excessive spanking i've had from people i tried to connect with... the other intern was a lovely lady a little younger than i am and when she was about to leave i didnt even say keep in touch cos i feared she'd think to herself 'this guy is just like all the other cheep morons who are regular skirt pullers'... so i kept quiet and tried to console myself that she wasnt uncomfortable with me... though in truth there was no consolation only more pain... like another upper cut by the plus sized loneliness boxer choking me again...
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Sep. 30, 2008

Ok, I think I am going to panic. There will be a company outing at the end of the week and I ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANNA GO THERE!!!!!! what's worse is my co-trainee can't go either because he has a class every Saturday, so I'll be totally out of place!!!!!!! Actually, I said I can't go too but then I have to put it into writing and send valid documents that will support why i can't go to the outing!!!!!!!! (What the heck was that? What if it's a personal reason? How can I get a document about MY REASON????!) I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I JUST DON"T WANNA GO! Am I a jinx???? Why does it have to happen now??? It's like life is playing tricks on me!!!!!!!! MAAAAN! I'M DOOOMED!!!!!!! :cry:
 
Last edited:
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Just a thought:

I know even before that I will not fit for an adult life!!!!! I want to cry now! I'm so pissed off! I don't hate myself but i hate the world! I hate the society!
I hate everything! I just want to live free!!! I just want to explore LIFE! I want to do it in my own way! I want to learn and discover things by myself!
It feels like I am living in a box. The real me wants to go out in that BOX but this world holds me back!!!!!! I can't do anything but to go with the FLOW because in reality, I'm not in control with myself! All my actions, all my decisions, all my plans should depend on all the people and all the things that are surrounding me right now!
Now I know the reason why in spite of my achievements, compliments, friends and family.... I never felt happy or contented... (although I was thankful). Because what I've been doing since then are the things that I SHOULD do and not I WANT to do. That's why I feel like a machine.... and empty.... and nothing, because I wasn't aware until now that what I'm really searching is the IMPOSSIBLE. It's FREEDOM that I want! Real FREEDOM! Maybe I'm the only person who keeps on whining on this because I see the WORLD in a different perspective. PEOPLE were so used to living like this that's why they're not complaining.... but the only thing that I see is MY LIFE IS A ROUTINE. As a kid I have to STUDY STUDY and STUDY... now that I'm an adult... I have to WORK WORK and WORK!.... Yeah I know I did relax for some time, but whenever I think of the times I've spent for studying and working... it feels like such a great waste of time. I've realized that I've learned more when I'm just EXPLORING.
But well... this is my FATE!!!!!!! This how a HUMAN should live... so as usual... I just have to surrender!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Oct. 12, 2k8

I did a very stupid thing today. Not just stupid... I did a crazy thing today out of boredom. I was so bored of myself and my looks, that all of a sudden, I called my sister to give me a haircut. And by the way, she's no hairdresser.
At first she reacted like "Are you serious?" (but what she really meant to say is: "Are you out of your mind?).... But I insisted and I was able to convince her. And so I asked her to cut me a bangs... and so she did and it's not equal in length... so basically, it looks really ugly. But of course I did not blame her because it was my idea.
Anyway, the craziest thing is... I did not really mind. I just said that I'll use a hairpin to hide my bangs. And then I asked my sister to give me a new hairstyle. I told her that I want the upper half of my long hair to be short...and even if she hesitated at first, she still did it. And so now, I have a hair disaster. (But of course, it was all my fault) I know that it might turn out this way but I don't know what's with me today that I just had an impulsive decision to cut my hair. I should have went to the salon. And so now, I have a hair problem... and for hours I thought of a way to cover my ugly hairstyle. Fortunately, I found a solution. The bad thing is, my parents know about this and they were really shocked especially my Dad. (Good thing that they do not know about my bangs because I was wearing a hairband when they saw me... and I have no plan to reveal it
to them!)... and my sister, she's so annoyed and guilty even though I'm not blaming her at all (Anyway, It's not really my hair that bothers her, it's because she failed to do a thing right, this time)
And so from now on.. I have to wear a hairband everyday, use a hair gel and tie my short hair like a braid so no one will notice this ugliness. And yeah... you can call me CRAZY! :?
 
saeriyas

saeriyas

Member
wingcharm said:
Just a thought:

I know even before that I will not fit for an adult life!!!!! I want to cry now! I'm so pissed off! I don't hate myself but i hate the world! I hate the society!
I hate everything! I just want to live free!!! I just want to explore LIFE! I want to do it in my own way! I want to learn and discover things by myself!
It feels like I am living in a box. The real me wants to go out in that BOX but this world holds me back!!!!!! I can't do anything but to go with the FLOW because in reality, I'm not in control with myself! All my actions, all my decisions, all my plans should depend on all the people and all the things that are surrounding me right now!
Now I know the reason why in spite of my achievements, compliments, friends and family.... I never felt happy or contented... (although I was thankful). Because what I've been doing since then are the things that I SHOULD do and not I WANT to do. That's why I feel like a machine.... and empty.... and nothing, because I wasn't aware until now that what I'm really searching is the IMPOSSIBLE. It's FREEDOM that I want! Real FREEDOM! Maybe I'm the only person who keeps on whining on this because I see the WORLD in a different perspective. PEOPLE were so used to living like this that's why they're not complaining.... but the only thing that I see is MY LIFE IS A ROUTINE. As a kid I have to STUDY STUDY and STUDY... now that I'm an adult... I have to WORK WORK and WORK!.... Yeah I know I did relax for some time, but whenever I think of the times I've spent for studying and working... it feels like such a great waste of time. I've realized that I've learned more when I'm just EXPLORING.
But well... this is my FATE!!!!!!! This how a HUMAN should live... so as usual... I just have to surrender!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

Wow! I think what you've said here is VERY important! Seriously seriously seriously.
So many people, a lot of adults, live their lives like they're following a PROGRAM. They're just trying to follow things that have been passed down to them from their predecessors.
AND adults police each other, to pressure each other into acting FAKE--and doing things they each don't even really WANT to do.

I want to do things my own way as well!!! But I'm so scared, and I see no encouragement around me to continue on my OWN way. I see no support around me. It seems to me that if I'm going to really do what I as an individual WANT to do, I'll be at risk of being totally alone, and being rejected by most of the people around me. I don't know if this is actually the case?

For a while, I was okay with just doing what I felt I SHOULD do. But, at some point, that became VERY uncomfortable for me. It became scary. And now, it even seems impossible for me sometimes.

When I was little kid, it was nice to express myself however I wanted to. Then it was easier in a sense, because there wasn't really anything I could do that would ruin my life for me.
NOW, as an adult, I don't have the same support that a baby would get. So now, if people see me doing something weird that isn't like what they're used to, they much more easily REJECT me than if I were a baby. They'd have little problem with abandoning me, and not caring what would befall me. They have no reason to appreciate what I WANT to do. I'm not cute to them anymore, and I'm not an "innocent", "harmless", small child to them.
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Wow! I think what you've said here is VERY important! Seriously seriously seriously.
So many people, a lot of adults, live their lives like they're following a PROGRAM. They're just trying to follow things that have been passed down to them from their predecessors.
AND adults police each other, to pressure each other into acting FAKE--and doing things they each don't even really WANT to do.

I want to do things my own way as well!!! But I'm so scared, and I see no encouragement around me to continue on my OWN way. I see no support around me. It seems to me that if I'm going to really do what I as an individual WANT to do, I'll be at risk of being totally alone, and being rejected by most of the people around me. I don't know if this is actually the case?

For a while, I was okay with just doing what I felt I SHOULD do. But, at some point, that became VERY uncomfortable for me. It became scary. And now, it even seems impossible for me sometimes.

When I was little kid, it was nice to express myself however I wanted to. Then it was easier in a sense, because there wasn't really anything I could do that would ruin my life for me.
NOW, as an adult, I don't have the same support that a baby would get. So now, if people see me doing something weird that isn't like what they're used to, they much more easily REJECT me than if I were a baby. They'd have little problem with abandoning me, and not caring what would befall me. They have no reason to appreciate what I WANT to do. I'm not cute to them anymore, and I'm not an "innocent", "harmless", small child to them.
Click to expand...

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who realizes these things.
Very well said! :wink:
 
W

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
Just a thought:

My wildest dream....

- to spend the night all alone on the top of a mountain,
listening to my iPOD while stargazing.

There, I'll be able to feel free, away from the craziness of this world,
away from everything but MYSELF.
 
Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
facinating reading all of this, be good to have an online diary section of the site 8)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top