the "whatever" journal

[Feathers]

Hey hun ((hugs))

You're a WONDERFUL CARING PERSON!!! Who the f****** thinks you OUGHT to be 'confident' as well (and why??)

Kids with hyper-critical parents can often lack confidence, or may feel like the whole world would be judging them (if the parents, who are supposed to LOVE and CARE for us the most have sometimes behaved or judged so harshly??)
(I know from experience too-!!?? yikes??!!)

Book recommended to your parents (maybe): Mazlish & Faber: How to Talk so Kids Listen, there's a version about school too: How to Talk so Children Learn or something like that. In one of them there's a chapter about labels and not being too hypercritical too, I think. (You could check in a bookshop or library, if you're next to one, the chapter is near the end, I think)

It could maybe be helpful to explain to them the basics of good communication (that's what's done in the books mentioned too) and that MOST/many people have 'defense mechanisms' to shut up (or go into agression/return attack mode) when being too criticised...

Parents are older people who may be set in their ways, it may not be easy to unlearn those habits (my mum can be pretty negative too, even tho she means well..)

Take care!! Even if you're not 'perfect' we LOVE YOU ANYWAY!! And there's probably plenty of people in RL who do too!!
Parents may often think there's a problem with 'kids' when in fact THEY might benefit from counselling - and there have been cases when health or mental health of kids improved when parents got counselling (!)

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

im not blaming anyone, im just so fed up with myself because i know i'll never be normal like other people. i can't fight genes. i know i've improved but sometimes putting so much effort just to act normal with other people gets so tiring that i just wanna quit. i hate blushing all the time, i hate stammering, i hate being nervous, and what i hate most is forcing myself to do things that im afraid of so i can live a normal life. i just hope that my kids would never get my trait. i don't want them to suffer or get bullied. i don't want them to feel this kind of fatigue.

and you know what makes it harder for me to accept is that i've never met a person like me. i know some of you can relate in this site but i cant help feeling alone outside because i haven't seen a person who acts like me. i've seen plenty of shy people, yes. but there's so much difference between shy people and social anxiety. what frustrates me is that my mind is confident but i cannot act confident. so i quit!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel guilty because I turned down a job that I know I could accept. It's just that I'm not emotionally prepared today. I feel so depressed and I just had my break yesterday, and if I work again today then it will be a 6 days straight work. actually it's ok. I didn't even mind working for 1 week. but today is different. I feel so bad already then this one called to ask if i could work at 3 pm but i turned it down. And i end up feeling worse. I felt like i should have accepted it because it's 8 am and i have enough time to prepare for work later. I feel bad that i've disappointed somebody. I feel guilty because i know i shouldn't act like this because i need more money for my studies. i feel like im a total lazy @ss for not taking the job. and much worse is, I know that I didn't do anything wrong. That I have the right to reject an offer. I have the right to take a break and calm my emotion. But still I feel so guilty. I hate myself for feeling this. I don't know if this is SA. But ever since I'm having this kind of internal battle. My brain always tells me what i'm supposed to do and what i should or shouldn't feel. But for some reason my emotion often wins. and technically emotion comes from the brain too. that's a lot of sht going in my brain.

somebody please calm me down. any words of comfort or criticism... anything will do. I just want somebody to recognize what i'm feeling today.

dont tell me to ask my boyfriend because he got upset to me yesterday. it's nothing really serious but still he made me feel depressed and i think the biggest reason why i feel so f*cked up in the first place.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

i',m now ok. we're now ok. but i guess goodbye SPW. for good.

 

[MikeyC]

I hope you're not gone from SPW for good. ::

You're right that it is your right of refusal if someone calls you in for a shift. There's no law saying you must work every shift you're offered. You said no because you need a break, and that's fine. Everyone turns down a shift here or there simply because of mental or physical burn-out. Don't beat yourself up, because you're being totally unfair on yourself.

You say you'll never be normal like other people. What's normal? There's no certain criteria that determine what's normal and what's askew. You're doing the best you can and that's all you can really ask of yourself.

Stay strong, my friend.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Thanks MikeyC, i know i didnt really mean when i said for good. it feels like it that time but i know that when i feel bad again, ill come back here for reaassurance or just to vent. if i do, then i would've have requested somebody to delete this thread.

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks MikeyC, i know i didnt really mean when i said for good. it feels like it that time but i know that when i feel bad again, ill come back here for reaassurance or just to vent. if i do, then i would've have requested somebody to delete this thread.

It's good that you'll come back.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

my circumstances is affecting my work these days. i know i usually accept work but now i dont have the energy to do it. i just feel bad. i wasted a long shift today because i feel so bad. i just said i cant work bec. of emergency. i feel so anxious with a lot of things which is not really that much to be panic about. all it takes is for me to calm down, organize things, stop being lazy and patience. but no, these days i just dont have the eagerness to even get out of this bed! i tried and i feel sh*t, i even hate it when im hungry because it means i have to go out of this room when i dont have the energy to do it. but then i start getting headaches so i really have to eat. and i eat crap stuffs, my breakfast, if you call it breakfast is chips bec. i can easily grab it in my room. this is my anxiety attacking again, when it happens, every simple things that i worry becomes bigger than it should be. i cant describe how im feeling. if i'll put it in detail it's like this:

i feel so lazy because my life is boring. i'm a person with no social skills. i hate that people were born to be social. if not, then it wont matter if i keep silent and i maintain my poker face for the whole day. i dont have to smile everytime im expected to smile, i dont have to say hi's and hello's when i dont feel like to, i dont have to act nice and kind at all, i dont have to feel shy when people is expecting me to greet them or respond. i dont have to pretend that im interested to what they're saying. i dont have to feel guilty everytime they say that i'm an angel because im not. im just doing what is socially acceptable and that's probably the main reason why i feel so depressed. because im living in pretention. i dont have a natural love or inclination for people. don't get me wrong. i respect people. i wont hurt them. i'll even try to save and protect those who needs it. but i just cant connect with them. and that makes me so depressed. i feel like im deceiving people and im deceiving myself. when some old lady talks to me about her knittings, i smile and ask question. i start a conversation. i say 'that's nice' 'can i see what you did?' but im just being an actress coz i dont really care. im a horrible person. and i want to cry. i am so envious to those who can speak about anything and i can see in their eyes that they really mean what they're saying. it maybe some stupid stuffs but i see that they're comfortable with it. there's the social connection. my feeling of talking to random people or acquaintances is similar to having a conversation with an inaminate object. i cant feel a human connection. i feel stupid talking with them because even if they say something that has a sense, i just feel awkward to respond. i do respond but just for a sake of response. yeah like i said, it's talking to an object that speaks and i have to answer back just for the sake of it.

and there's the trust issue. i see people in a negative way. i feel like i always have to be careful with my words. i see that people always does things to make proud of themselves and when somebody is greater than them, they thrash that person in a subtle way. and im right. in my workplace, their favorite topic is 'how bad this person is' 'how slow' there's something fishy going on to' 'how loud' ... and i dont even have to know that they talk about me too, i mean, that's expected.
im such a egg that is hard to crack. all the people that i can connect with, i admire them because they've find a way or they have the skills to get in my small social circle. and what i've noticed is my friends are those with'genuine heart for people and nature' something that i dont have or i lack of.

and you know what, i feel a bit better now. maybe i just really have to know what im feeling and this writing helped me explore some of it. im so wired up. i dont even know the meaning of that term, i just heard it somewhere.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

as i expected, i'll come back again when i need to do some venting. Anyway, I don't know what's happening to me today. Maybe it's the sunny weather, maybe it's the lack of sleep and exercise... it's just that i feel so easily irritated today. it's like i want to do something but i don't know what. i played games, i watched DVDs but I'm still upset. GRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

I feel fat on that pic but they see otherwise!!!! Am I effing anorexic??? I'm seriously obsessed looking at that pic to see their perspective. I try so hard, I don't look sexy at all!!! My arms and legs are big. My cheeks so puffy!!!! Are they just being nice by liking it on Facebook??? I should be happy right??? But no! I want to delete that pic but my honey will ask me why and I'm just letting it stay because i get positive feedback and to convince myself that it's ok. I'm such a crazy girl!!!!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thougt:
Have you ever been annoyed to a guy? He is soooooooo sensitive. I am a sensitive person but he's like 10000000x more sensitive than me! Why can't he just admit that he's frikkin gay! Seriously, who's straight guy has a big pink teddy bear on his bed and a curler on his cabinet? A guy who often notices that I didn't moisturise my face well and that I should apply make-up and wear heels, a guy who's afraid of the sun because his skin will get dark, a guy who doesn't wanna walk to the store because he'll get sweaty. A guy who cried when he saw Bella and Edward kissing passionately in Breaking dawn!! And what's wrong with being gay anyway! They're still people with feelings. I don't get it. And everything that I say offends him! He's like a frikkin baby! I'll say one word that clashes his opinion which is totally normal like "I don't think that guy has a crush on me" then he'll say "Ok, don't trust me anymore" and then he'll sulk and ... What the heck!!! He is starting to annoy me, seriously! And even the staff in the restaurant, just because they're not overly cheerful, he feels like they're being rude at him and he won't go back to that same restaurant again. Why is he making such a big deal of everything!!! It's just that he is my friend that's why I still tolerate him. He always reads between the line and that's making me crazy! How to deal with this kind of person. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

 

[MikeyC]

^ He sounds like he's gay, for sure, and very, very sensitive to everything. I would say call him out on his behaviour but he's not likely to take that with the cheerfulness you intended.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

^ He sounds like he's gay, for sure, and very, very sensitive to everything. I would say call him out on his behaviour but he's not likely to take that with the cheerfulness you intended.

I did. I told him that he is sooo sensitive and just because somebody has a different opinion from him means that they don't trust him anymore, that he shouldn't take everything personally. Well I said that on Facebook chat. And he just replaid "ok"... which sounds like he's still on sulking mode. grrrrrr.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Tomorrow is the last day that I'll meet my close friend. We've just been together for 3 months but we became really good friends and now she's coming back to her country this weekend. Today, she came to my house and we did our usual girly time. These days, I didn't really feel like I'm going to miss her. Because really, our friendship is like more of a one-sided relationship. Yes, we became close friends but it's because she put a lot of effort to befriend me. She kept on telling me that she will miss me so much but I just shrugged it off and joked "I know" most of the time. But today, when I sent her to the bus and she said goodbye, I felt a tinge of sadness and I'm afraid it's getting worse. I realized that even if I tried to distance myself to her, even if I found her affection annoying sometimes, I couldn't help but like her back. I lost and she succeeded. Why do I keep on denying that I value our friendship too? Maybe because I know that the time will come that she has to say goodbye to me and I hate getting hurt. But still no matter how much I tried not to get attached to her, she is like a puppy who persists on following me around no matter how cold I treat her sometimes. I hate myself because I don't want this feeling. But I can't help but cry now because I know that I'll miss her so much and I hate her for making me feel this way too. Seriously, I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I don't want her to see me cry because of my frikkin' pride! But I'm afraid I can't do it tomorrow. A part of me wants to show my real feelings too. But I hate crying. Why can't I be true to myself?

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

you know what, i don't really understand this feeling. A part of me is relieved that she'll go home because ever since she came to my life, I felt so exhausted because she's full of life and energy and she always wants to hang out with me when I really feel like going home early. Or sometimes when I say I wanna go home, she'll invite herself to my house. But even if I hated it, I end up enjoying it too... but still exhausted. So till tomorrow, nobody will bug me around and for some weird reason, I'll miss it so much, even if I hate it. Seriously, up to these days I don't know why she likes me so much. She's a popular girl so how come she chose me? I'm just thinking that maybe, it's the same reason as my boyfriend. They're both well known but for some weird reason, they chose me. I guess I'm lucky.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

In relation to the mass killing in US...

For some weird reason, when they describe the murderer's character, I felt like they are describing me. This is not the first time. I'm talking about psycho killers in general. Not that I'm going to start killing people. But really, it's so sad that my personality is somewhat connected to that of a psycho killer: socially awkward, quiet, loner, stays most of the time in the room in front of PC, playing games etc... It just makes me realize how screwed my personality is. Sometimes I feel like, "Are my colleagues nice to me because they're afraid that if they upset me, I'll explode and do something horrible like killing them all?"

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

These days I'm feeling so exhausted with the numerous social activities I have done/attended (bowling, parties, dinner, shopping, karaoke etc) How can people manage to do it all the time? Even if I am enjoying those activities, I still end up tired after. Like today, I am so glad that Christmas vacay have started so I didn't need to go to class but I am now faced with social responsibilities. Today, I'm invited to a dinner with fellow colleagues (which I 'guiltily' declined).Then I'll go on a picnic with my friends this Wednesday, and a meetup with my former classmates on Sunday. Sounds good coz' I'm being wanted and makes me feel like I have life beyond PC and my room. But a part of me wants to just stay in my room the whole week as I am sick of staying late outside. It's so weird because I know I have enjoyed doing those things and I'll enjoy the coming social appointments, but I dread the fatigue. I clearly understand now the difference between introvert and extrovert. They say extroverts gain energy from social activities while introverts get it from isolation. Social activities drain me a lot, seriously. I may enjoy it but I'll still long for my bed.

 

[MikeyC]

Yeah, if I have a lot of social things planned, it can drain me just thinking about it. Even introverts need to have things to do, but having too many social events can be very exhausting. At least you're getting out there and doing things, which is something you should be congratulating yourself on.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

Today, I finally considered reading about CBT. The first time I've read this, it sounds like some lame therapy to me especially when I read about the 'breathing exercises and stuffs;. But I often hear this therapy mentioned in treating SA, so why not try to read more about it, maybe i'll understand it more deeply. In the end the site gave contact list of doctors and counsellors, and so it's another dead end since i cant afford those treatments. but they did mention some self help advice, which made me realize that maybe in some way, i did help myself. however, i have lots of relapses and i still tend to be choosy with whom to talk to, especially with colleagues. so basically, im still the silent weirdo at work. if there's an improvement, that is i greet them first than waiting for them to greet me first. i was worse in the past because i totally ignore or snob people. so maybe that's an improvement. but still it's so lame. i feel like a robot saying hi how are you? im good. thanks... blah blah. and that's it. can't make any normal conversation. oh well... atleast i tried. another improvement is, before in class, i do not voluntarily participate at all. i dont even speak unless when asked to. and i always have panic attacks when asked to present in front. but now, i can give my opinion in class although i cant give lengthy answers and i can manage to speak in front of the class without shaking too much. although i can still feel my lips drying, and my very fast heartbeat, and i cant focus much on their faces. but atleast i don't experience mental block anymore. so yeah, maybe in some way i improved. actually it's a big improvement. i dont know how it happened but i like it. but too bad, i can only see improvement in class and not in real social situations like at work. and seriously, im just venting here, not minding about my grammar or punctuations or paragraphs, so if you are reading this and i made your brain and eyes tired, im sorry but i feel so lazy today. it's new year and im supposed to feel refreshed and make resolutions or atleast start the day right. but i am so tired of disappointments. i cant remember when's the last time i even tried to make a brand new start with my life. so this new year, i tried reading about self help SA stuffs, and i got tired researching, and i felt like im just aiming too much. so i said, nah, f*ck life, i aint gonna try again. i'll just live my life, what ever happens happens. like this writing, i aint gonna try to copy edit it. if u dont understand this writing, then u dont. thank you very much. mwaaaah

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

just a thought:
Did i just say i'll stop now? but i just read an interesting article about avoidant personality disorder. i thought avpd is like a mild case of SA so i thought i have SA although i am pretty avoidant too. But guess what, when i read the difference between the two, i learned that i more likely have AVPD than SA. And surprise surprise, AVPD seems much worse than SA! What the f*ck*ng hell!!!!!! So now, i learned that my situation is much worse than i've thought. congratualtions to me! Yeah, my problem is always been about people. i dont mind shopping alone, going to different places, or any crowded places full of strangers. but when it comes to situations where people's attention are on me or any situations like company outing or dinner, anything that includes people who know me, i avoid those things because it makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. except now, i feel more at ease than before. oh well f*ck it, if i've improved by my own, maybe i can do it again. one step at a time. or maybe it's better if i stop thinking about it instead.