the "whatever" journal

[MikeyC]

Definitely I'm depressed... :: but sometimes I can't help thinking that the descriptions are actually the truth and I just couldn't accept it, which makes me feel depressed. Because seriously, if I look myself objectively, I think all these descriptions fit me well. :: Maybe it's a matter of getting used to my real self so I won't get depressed anymore instead of trying to fool myself that I am not worthless. Maybe if I do, I won't feel so bad eventually.
But MikeyC, I'm glad that people like you are still here to contradict my negative thoughts. I am glad that you remind me about this someone who means the world to me. I just can't tell him these things that I am feeling because I don't want him to worry much about me. But I know, what he'll say is probably the same thing that you've told me. I still feel bad these days but thank you.

Being happy in your own skin is paramount to feeling better. I can understand you're not feeling like that, and I can understand. However, depression can skew your emotions to a point of ridiculousness, and I'm positive you're not as bad as you think you are.

I also think you should definitely tell your fiancee all these things. I know you don't want him to worry about you, but how much better will you feel not having to hide this from him? Do you think you can keep your depression a secret from him for the rest of your life? You will be doing yourself a favour by telling him, I promise.

You're welcome. I'm glad I can help you in any way, even if it's quite marginal.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I just don't wanna sound so persistent...

 

[Insanewoman389]

I don't know if I'll be glad that you can relate to me, or I'll be sad because I don't want others to feel the same way as mine. But hey, I wanna believe that we'll get over this soon. And yes, I don't mind if you make your own journal. A lot of people started it already and it would be nice to have someone share their personal thoughts and experiences on this site. Welcome to journaling! (is there such a word? haha)

Mmm well be glad to have someone to relate to but just hope we get better. No need to be sad on my account. Okie dokie thanks! I'm not sure if I'll do it though I'm not very good at that sort of thing *shrugs*. Lol well if not its certainly a word now!

 

[MikeyC]

Well... I do tell him sometimes but I don't want to sound so persistent because he gets affected too. Sometimes he even feels sorry for himself thinking that maybe he doesn't make me feel satisfied or happy which causes my depression. But I say that it's not him, it's just me having a problem with my self esteem and everything. And he starts asking me why would I feel that. He'll remind me that I'm good and all the compliment that he could tell me, then what I do is just contradict him and show that I don't really believe what he is saying. Because I really don't!!! So he starts getting sad and maybe tired that we keep on talking about the same old self esteem issue. I told him that he should give me some time to recuperate myself. That the feeling of self worth should start from me. That it's my own battle to face. Well, at first he acted so hurt thinking that "I don't need him". But I've explained him well and I think he now understands that I am the main key in solving this problem.
So, better to let all these burden come out in this site. Better to show him that I am OK. I want to see him happy. And anyway, seeing him smile is enough to make me smile too.

I understand what you're saying. Your selflessness towards maximising his happiness is awesome and you should love yourself for simply that. Sounds like you two have a great relationship going.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Thank you MikeyC... those are real comforting words.

 

[Feathers]

Hun! Did you see the video about the woman who spent the last 15 years without money? Google for it!

It was greatly inspiring! Yes, money is handy, people can live without it too!! (And have lived so!!)

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Yeah... but still .... Oh well, I'll watch it still. Thanks Feathers.

 

[MikeyC]

Thank you MikeyC... these are real comforting words. Made me teary-eyed. lol.

Aww. You're welcome.

 

[Feathers]

She may not have always had confidence!

I have way more confidence now than I had at 16 (or 24), and I expect to grow in confidence in my 40s or 50s (if I ever come that far!) Some 70 year-old ladies can be very sassy!!

So, your life is a work-in-progress!! (As is everyone's!)
You wouldn't look at a painting by a great artist 'oh, this sucks!' if he's only started it!!
Sure at first it may not look like much, it's a work-in-progress though!!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

She may not have always had confidence!

I have way more confidence now than I had at 16 (or 24), and I expect to grow in confidence in my 40s or 50s (if I ever come that far!) Some 70 year-old ladies can be very sassy!!

So, your life is a work-in-progress!! (As is everyone's!)
You wouldn't look at a painting by a great artist 'oh, this sucks!' if he's only started it!!
Sure at first it may not look like much, it's a work-in-progress though!!

Ok, I'll remember this: Work in progress. It's just it feels that reaching the goal is an endless journey. But I also realized that atleast I am progressing. You've convinced me.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm more confident now at 25 than I was at 18...or 22 for that matter. You just get it without realising.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Depressed mode... especially that Xmas is coming soon, away from home.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, you're improving. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that it exists. Now, how do you plan on fixing that problem? Why don't you go with your friend? Don't see it as "The world is showing me how lonely I am", but as, "I'm alone and I don't want to be, so I'm here with people that I'd like to get to know". I'm sure there are other things where you are that could net you some friends. On the other hand, maybe you could do for some time alone, some time to find out what you really want. To find out and plan how you're going to achieve your happiness. You know better than I what you want to do, so go for it. Well, cry those tears out so you can make way for the happy. Here's wishing you a happy (premature) Xmas!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Well, you're improving. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that it exists. Now, how do you plan on fixing that problem? Why don't you go with your friend? Don't see it as "The world is showing me how lonely I am", but as, "I'm alone and I don't want to be, so I'm here with people that I'd like to get to know". I'm sure there are other things where you are that could net you some friends. On the other hand, maybe you could do for some time alone, some time to find out what you really want. To find out and plan how you're going to achieve your happiness. You know better than I what you want to do, so go for it. Well, cry those tears out so you can make way for the happy. Here's wishing you a happy (premature) Xmas!

I don't think friends won't help me. I did go out with my classmates recently. It did make me less lonely for a while but I know deep inside that I'm still longing for something. Christmas is not even the main issue, it's just an aggravating factor of my loneliness. I could go out today and have fun with somebody but I know it would all come back. Yes, I think alone time is the best. I'm not sure what's making me feel sad or lonely. But I think one reason is that I just feel like I don't know what to do with myself... I'm just so tired of everything... I don't even have other problems.... it is just ME... I am just so sick and tired of myself... so bored with my life which makes me so unmotivated... I feel like a person pretending to be alive... lol... I even feel like your username "Deadmanwalking" lol... Even your response made me sob, gave me an overwhelming feeling of relief, gladness that somebody responded to me. Main reason why I'm feeling so sad is because I don't wanna share my feelings to other people except this site. Thanks so much.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Thanks and I'm sorry. My name was based around the thoughts you're having right now, but it's also a really bad joke. I'm glad that you feel that you can open up to us though; hopefully, you'll find some more people, whether it's on here or out there, that you can open up to. I find it hard to open up to others as well. Everything about me, from my face to my "aura" screams "get back" or "stay away". But, I'm trying to fix it though; I'm trying to smile more and, overall, look more and be more open. It's hard and sometimes I wonder if I'm even progressing a bit or if this is worth it, but I just keep trying. I'm hard-headed like that::.

So, what don't you like about yourself? What part of your life do you wish to change? How are you going to go about changing it and what are you willing to do to change? These are some questions that you can think about to get you on the road to recovery; of course, I'm an amateur when it comes to psychoanalyzing, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't think friends won't help me. I did go out with my classmates recently. It did make me less lonely for a while but I know deep inside that I'm still longing for something. Christmas is not even the main issue, it's just an aggravating factor of my loneliness. I could go out today and have fun with somebody but I know it would all come back. Yes, I think alone time is the best. I'm not sure what's making me feel sad or lonely. But I think one reason is that I just feel like I don't know what to do with myself... I'm just so tired of everything... I don't even have other problems.... it is just ME... I am just so sick and tired of myself... so bored with my life which makes me so unmotivated... I feel like a person pretending to be alive... lol... I even feel like your username "Deadmanwalking" lol... Even your response made me sob, gave me an overwhelming feeling of relief, gladness that somebody responded to me. Main reason why I'm feeling so sad is because I don't wanna share my feelings to other people except this site. Thanks so much.

This post I can relate to a lot. I can be happy hanging out with people but the depression returns. Bored with life. It's nobody except me. Yep, this is all me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, wncam. It's never nice when you're sad and lonely, and a combination of the two can result in some bad places. I still suggest you speak to your fiancee about all these issues because I'm sure he'll want to help you as much as possible.

What I can suggest is that next time (or right now) you're feeling sick and tired and "pretending to live," it would be beneficial for you to go for a walk. Something light so you can exercise and get your heart rate up. That will make you feel a little better and you can still think about things, too. I know it's only temporary, but it can help. If you don't know why you're feeling so low, that can be a good way to combat it.

While this site is pretty damn awesome to share feelings and emotions, you've got to tell real people, too. Once I opened up about my depression a little more I've had a bunch of people throw their support behind me - even people I never thought would do such a thing. I reckon you should do the same and I believe you will get loads of support and you will find it a little easier to fight.

All the best to you.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Guess what people! I am starting to feel better. After crying my heart out, I forced myself to get off my bed, took a bath, clean my room, eat, play games, talk to my housemate, chat with friends... and I can feel the depression fading gradually. And saved the best for last, my fiancee sent me an mp3. Curious, I listened to it and for the love of all the angels in heaven, it was a recording of him singing!!!!! I couldn't help but act like a fan girl screaming affection to the hunk idol on stage! I have to smother myself with pillow to prevent disturbing the neighbors!!! OMG! His voice is so fudging awesome! Can't get over it! I feel like he is courting me all over again coz it feels like one when I heard him singing!!!! Sorry if I act like a girl-crazy now coz I know I am. Who the heck is this silly girl full of drama! I don't care I am so in LOVE!!!!!

PS Seriously, all your encouragement helped a lot. Esp. Feathers, MikeyC and Deadmanwalking. I love you guys!

 

[MikeyC]

I knew your fiancee would do something great like that. You certainly have a great catch there and he's also lucky to have you, too.

We love you, too.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

lol, this is an experiment

{broken link}

And please bare with my English and accent. Obviously not my first language. ::

PS Why the heck do I always sound like I'm whispering???

PPS even a simple hello would be fine. And if you know how to read my username, then that would be cool. Hahahaha!

 

[MikeyC]

Oh my God, you have the cutest little voice!

I'm glad I could help you out so thanks for namedropping me! I would love to reply with a voice message but I don't have my microphone on me and I wouldn't even know what to say!

Your voice is awesome.