the "whatever" journal

[Feathers]

Hey wingcharm,

Well, it can depend on the culture, or the individual family/people - in some places, they can say 'Oh you don't have to do anything', and they may still expect some 'small things' out of niceiety (sp?)... It is good to agree on things beforehand...

I was never actually on a homestay, maybe you can ask other international students in your city what it's like where they live...? My sis was on a homestay where she didn't have to pay and didn't have to work, but she was just short-term with a retired elderly couple... (who were just happy for the company!!)
If the people there are struggling with money and/or time, they may appreciate some help...

My mum can be like that, no clear boundaries or clear communication, and just expecting things... You could do something like ask, 'So, would it be okay with you guys if I cook 1x or 2x a week, and/or wash the dishes 1x or 2x a week' (whatever you're willing to do, also depending on your other obligations/schoolwork and how much you pay them, if anything...) or just ask what they would like or what they had in mind? Ideally you'd also agree ahead on days and menus, or any stuff done...
You could also ask about cooking vs gas consumption, it's their house, and maybe they would prefer it if you'd cook sometimes (for all), even if it might mean some gas being used...? (The mom uses gas when cooking anyway, no?)

You can also tell you just have a serious face and it doesn't mean anything, like maybe you were thinking about school exams and you had to do schoolwork just when he told you to do something so it's good to agree on things beforehand, at least a day ahead if possible etc. Some people don't understand these things and need to be told...

My dad can be annoying like that and can get into 'workaholic/hyperactive' mode just when one would like to do something else, and could think we were doing 'nothing' if it was not 'visible'.... when it was just bad timing or lack of proper communication...

Also it would be probably good to ask and agree on what they plan for next week and/or next day, tell what you were planning and check with them regarding their and your plans and if it's okay with them...

Can you find any other expats from your country or other international students to hang out with? Or any clubs with natives interested in the same things you are interested in?
I hear culture shock can be a problem, yup...

Own place sounds like a good idea, ideally you'd have other people in support system elsewhere...
You could thank the mom of the family for everything and tell her you wanted to be more near the city and to see what it's like to live independently, if you could brave it out? Or something like that...?

Hope things turn out well!! ((hugz))

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Hey w*n*c*a*m,

Well, it can depend on the culture, or the individual family/people - in some places, they can say 'Oh you don't have to do anything', and they may still expect some 'small things' out of niceiety (sp?)... It is good to agree on things beforehand...

I was never actually on a homestay, maybe you can ask other international students in your city what it's like where they live...? My sis was on a homestay where she didn't have to pay and didn't have to work, but she was just short-term with a retired elderly couple... (who were just happy for the company!!)
If the people there are struggling with money and/or time, they may appreciate some help...

My mum can be like that, no clear boundaries or clear communication, and just expecting things... You could do something like ask, 'So, would it be okay with you guys if I cook 1x or 2x a week, and/or wash the dishes 1x or 2x a week' (whatever you're willing to do, also depending on your other obligations/schoolwork and how much you pay them, if anything...) or just ask what they would like or what they had in mind? Ideally you'd also agree ahead on days and menus, or any stuff done...
You could also ask about cooking vs gas consumption, it's their house, and maybe they would prefer it if you'd cook sometimes (for all), even if it might mean some gas being used...? (The mom uses gas when cooking anyway, no?)

You can also tell you just have a serious face and it doesn't mean anything, like maybe you were thinking about school exams and you had to do schoolwork just when he told you to do something so it's good to agree on things beforehand, at least a day ahead if possible etc. Some people don't understand these things and need to be told...

My dad can be annoying like that and can get into 'workaholic/hyperactive' mode just when one would like to do something else, and could think we were doing 'nothing' if it was not 'visible'.... when it was just bad timing or lack of proper communication...

Also it would be probably good to ask and agree on what they plan for next week and/or next day, tell what you were planning and check with them regarding their and your plans and if it's okay with them...

Can you find any other expats from your country or other international students to hang out with? Or any clubs with natives interested in the same things you are interested in?
I hear culture shock can be a problem, yup...

Own place sounds like a good idea, ideally you'd have other people in support system elsewhere...
You could thank the mom of the family for everything and tell her you wanted to be more near the city and to see what it's like to live independently, if you could brave it out? Or something like that...?

Hope things turn out well!! ((hugz))

Wow! I am so overwhelmed with your post! It's full of advice, thank you so much!!!
Well, most of my friends who've experienced homestay didn't like it too because of the restrictions. So yeah, I prefer to be independent now.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I said goodbye to the mom and she suddenly had a temper tantrum. I don't get it. Why would she be mad at me anyway?

 

[Lea]

I think what you described is more or less typical for every family you stay with. At the begining everyone seems to be very welcoming and generous, promises you heaven on earth, and almost no work. But gradually they slip into taking advantage of you, starting with little things.. Experience taught me to be suspicious of families which sound unreasonably generous with no expectations, who don't make it clear from the start what your chores will be (and keep adhering to the rules). Beware of families who get offended if you ask them to tell you what exactly you're supposed to do and they get offended, saying "this is a family, not a business". That's crap and shows they are not serious and most likely after taking advantage of you. If they were serious, they would have no problem setting exact rules right from the start.

Also what came to my mind when I read your post: it's not how much you do, but how much you're seen at it or how much you SEEM to do. People never analyze things deeply, but they're influenced by superficial impressions. (That's why also mass manipulation and brainwashing work, because people don't independently think). I've experienced illogical things like this in almost every family. For example, doesn't count if you spend little, but you must SEEM to spend little. So, if you buy a cheap but luxuriously looking thing, it will make an impression you're wasting etc. Or if you do your work quickly and efficiently, but leave afterwards, it gets less (if any) appreciation than someone who works slowly, inefficiently (if they work at all), but is seen a lot at it or makes a lot of noise around it. And sadly, most people are also fooled by words, not by deeds..

As for the lady, I think she was pretty overreacting when you were leaving with her temper tantrum. I think it might be a sign that they weren't as good as they seemed.. but I can understand that she was upset when you left without giving any notice, because they were probably counting with your money. But good you had no work obligations there, in that case it could cause them some serious problems.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I think what you described is more or less typical for every family you stay with. At the begining everyone seems to be very welcoming and generous, promises you heaven on earth, and almost no work. But gradually they slip into taking advantage of you, starting with little things.. Experience taught me to be suspicious of families which sound unreasonably generous with no expectations, who don't make it clear from the start what your chores will be (and keep adhering to the rules). Beware of families who get offended if you ask them to tell you what exactly you're supposed to do and they get offended, saying "this is a family, not a business". That's crap and shows they are not serious and most likely after taking advantage of you. If they were serious, they would have no problem setting exact rules right from the start.

Also what came to my mind when I read your post: it's not how much you do, but how much you're seen at it or how much you SEEM to do. People never analyze things deeply, but they're influenced by superficial impressions. (That's why also mass manipulation and brainwashing work, because people don't independently think). I've experienced illogical things like this in almost every family. For example, doesn't count if you spend little, but you must SEEM to spend little. So, if you buy a cheap but luxuriously looking thing, it will make an impression you're wasting etc. Or if you do your work quickly and efficiently, but leave afterwards, it gets less (if any) appreciation than someone who works slowly, inefficiently (if they work at all), but is seen a lot at it or makes a lot of noise around it. And sadly, most people are also fooled by words, not by deeds..

As for the lady, I think she was pretty overreacting when you were leaving with her temper tantrum. I think it might be a sign that they weren't as good as they seemed.. but I can understand that she was upset when you left without giving any notice, because they were probably counting with your money. But good you had no work obligations there, in that case it could cause them some serious problems.

I so agree. That was a real twist . A sudden transformation from a cat to a tiger.

 

[Lea]

In one family, the lady "generously" gave me 20 pounds at the beginning as a welcome, but in the end when we got into argument and I was leaving, she demanded them back. I could say f* you and leave, but I did give it to her (to show I was better).

I never believe anyone would give anything for granted, it's almost always calculations and they will demand something for it back later.

As for your problem with "becoming dependent" on their food and not providing your own, it's due to unclear rules and lack of communication. They didn't explicitly tell you to do so, so how could you know? I don't know why didn't they set clear rules right at the beginning and instead chose to fool you by their "generous" offers. It's them who created this situation. This is a fault of so many people, they never say what they want, instead make hints or just expect you get a clue yourself (ie read their mind).

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

In one family, the lady "generously" gave me 20 pounds at the beginning as a welcome, but in the end when we got into argument and I was leaving, she demanded them back. I could say f* you and leave, but I did give it to her (to show I was better).

I never believe anyone would give anything for granted, it's almost always calculations and they will demand something for it back later.

As for your problem with "becoming dependent" on their food and not providing your own, it's due to unclear rules and lack of communication. They didn't explicitly tell you to do so, so how could you know? I don't know why didn't they set clear rules right at the beginning and instead chose to fool you by their "generous" offers. It's them who created this situation. This is a fault of so many people, they never say what they want, instead make hints or just expect you get a clue yourself (ie read their mind).

actually we did have rules and this is how she said it:..."feel welcome to this family. Your rent will be 120 but this is just for formality because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with us. This rent includes everything except food just because we don't wanna be obliged to cook for you. But everything on the table, you could eat!"....plus she also said "Don't work for us. You don't have to clean or anything. Just study. That's all I want you to focus."
She even said "if ever you're on a tight budget. Just tell me you don't have to pay rent"... And she called me "my daughter" and everything. At first I felt awkward of their generosity. But then they told me I should feel at home. That I shouldn't be shy because they would feel uncomfortable too if I act this way. So I tried to feel at home. And they've offered me their food. I even tried to buy my own groceries but the "mom" paid for it even I told her not to. So from then on, I felt awkward buying my own food because she might offer to pay it again for me. One time I bought milk and she was surprised why I bought milk! So what she did is buy 2 jars of milk! And when they have few meals on the table, I eat bread or cook my own noodles. Even when I eat dinner, and I take few food they even complain that I should eat more! So see? They've given me a different impression all along!!! I thought I was giving them a favor by accepting their offers. So I tried to compensate by washing the dishes and cleaning my room, being organized and neat. When I go out, I tell them where I'll go or why I'm still not home! Everything!!!
And suddenly everything flipped! I suddenly became the bad girl!
You are right Lea, never would I trust somebody who would offer me something that is too good to be true. Even if they're really good, much better to be safe than sorry. That's why I am leaving. By the way thanks so much for your reply...and All you guys who've replied. I was feeling alone and you're messages helped maintain my sanity. With all the academic pressure, new environment and this situation. I love you all. ::

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

The mom said sorry. She said she's just having separation anxiety because she treated me as a family and now I'll go despite all she has done for me. She said most of the time she doesn't mean what she says when she's angry. Honestly I'm sad. But I guess separating from them would help me grow up!

 

[Lea]

Thanks Wingcharm, I am glad you found my opinions helpful. What you describe is typical of almost every family I stayed with. They set rules (or not even), but then create another impression or expect you to do something else then they said. As if people were AFRAID to be just direct, honest, face value. Why? Do they fear to be impolite or what. Probably, so instead they just expect you to take a hint, to "know yourself" what to do. (Which is often a lot less generous than what they tell you in words). I could rant here about the families I had in the past, but my English is crap and it's not easy for me to write a post. I am glad the mum apologized in the end. Maybe it would be interesting for them to read your journal here ::.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Thanks w*n*c*a*m , I am glad you found my opinions helpful. What you describe is typical of almost every family I stayed with. They set rules (or not even), but then create another impression or expect you to do something else then they said. As if people were AFRAID to be just direct, honest, face value. Why? Do they fear to be impolite or what. Probably, so instead they just expect you to take a hint, to "know yourself" what to do. (Which is often a lot less generous than what they tell you in words). I could rant here about the families I had in the past, but my English is crap and it's not easy for me to write a post. I am glad the mum apologized in the end. Maybe it would be interesting for them to read your journal here ::.

lol! no waaaaaaaaay!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

There's a famous saying: "Give your best in everything that you do"... this is such a positive statement for achieving success.

But it gives a negative impact on me, as a frustrated perfectionist who's trying to stop being one. It is seriously exhausting but I tend to end up aiming for this never ending goal to perfection, anyway. Is there some motto that would encourage me to be laid back for a change? :confused

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

I should really focus to my achievements and potentials. Aaaaarghh!!!!!!!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Just a thought:

I'm good in academics??? Does it make me have a more carefree life? It's all frikkin grades. The one thing I can manage is to become a freakin' nerd??? Someone who's such a bookish smart but practically stupid in everything!

Oh yeah... I'm a loser and I'm so proud of it. I'll try to be the most special loser in the whole deym world!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel stupid. No change that to... I am stupid. I better accept that I do am stupid so I'll stop feeling depressed about this.

1. I don't have a sense of direction. I easily get lost and even if I tried, I still couldn't understand how to read maps! I suck in remembering places and landmarks and even if I do remember a path, just putting me in another direction would make my brain go into shambles because I don't know where North, South, East and West is. Because in my brain, what's in front of me is always the frikkin north!

2. I am very forgetful and absentminded. I usually don't remember where I've left this thing. When cooking, I often forget that I have to prepare this ingredient (eg. defrosting the chicken at the middle of the cooking even if I'm frikkin preparing chicken soup!) My mind wanders a lot. It's like a glitch in my brain.

5. I know supercalifragilistiexpialidocious, I can explain the hermeneutical phenomenology or just say any trivia out of nowhere but I am pretty ignorant to a lot of practical stuffs!,,, that includes my lack of common sense.

6. Kitchen accident is normal to me because I am totally clumsy!!! Spilling the water, the rice, misplacing the equipment, forgetting where I've put the pots, putting refrigerated stuffs in the cabinet, using the potato masher in frying chicken!
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If life is graded, I would be a total fail. My only triumph is my Distinctions in school and that is a total crap because I couldn't be successful with just the frikkin grade but I try to excel anyway because I would be a much total loser if I also fail in that aspect!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I feel so hyper, disorganized and hot today. I don't know if it's a good thing but I feel nice. It's like I know what I wanna do, I'm not conscious to myself, I can speak what I wanna say, I don't care what people think of me, I feel so sure about my emotion, I can express anger, my happiness, my sadness freely.... it's like the world is so clear to me. I'm wondering if it's all related to my crying last night. I cried a lot so I've got baggy eyes today and I don't even care if people see it. I even want to dance today and post some videos of it. I eat fast, I walk fast, I move fast... although I tend to forget more stuffs than the usual, my room's so trashy, but see I don't care, I feel glad about it... I actually woke up at 12 pm just to eat lunch today. And upon getting off my bed I just felt so sure of myself. If this is confidence then I don't wanna lose this feeling. Now I am sure that this is related to some brain mechanism or hormonal thing. Whatever triggered this effect on me, I wanna do it again. Even typing this stuff feels so easy today, at the same time my finger gets a little tangled because I type so fast than my usual self. I feel like I have ADD... no I already felt like I have one before but the attentive lazy type, but now it became the hyper active type and I love it..... I love the world. Mwah!

fudging awesome! I tried to read some boring news today and I easily understood it! All greatness!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

My boyfriend. He said that when I return to our country, we'll have a formal engagement. What he said was supposed to be a surprise but he couldn't hide his excitement for long. I was so surprised and happy when he told me. A normal gf would say YES immediately, right? But what did I say?...
ME: "Honey, this is such a surprise, I am so glad but ... I'm not sure about this formal engagement..."
HIM: "Why? Are you not sure of me yet?"
ME: "No... it's just, you said that it'll be a formal engagement so... there's like a... gathering?"

And that made him smile. He said no. This day will be exclusively for us. Then he got absorbed telling me all his plans for this special day... and I can't describe the happiness I was feeling. After a short while, he stopped and asked. "You didn't answer me yet. Is it a yes?"... I was speechless I was dumbly staring at him first. Then I finally replied "Of course"... followed by cheesy lines I'm shy to mention hahah.
And he cried. Oh my god I saw him cry of joy. And I felt like crying too. It brings me back to the time when we first met, his first confession... everything. I am just so lucky. And I am just thankful because in this twisted life of mine. There's this one person who badly wants to be with me. It makes me believe in miracle.

 

[Feathers]

Is there some motto that would encourage me to be laid back for a change? :confused

Some good mottos for (recovering) perfectionists:

aim for a C+ life

Everything worth doing well, is worth doing badly!
(Or my version: Everything worth doing well, is worth failing brilliantly at! )
Many people may still admire you for even just trying & going for it!!

It's IMPOSSIBLE to be 'the best' at 'EVERYTHING' - there are soo many things in life, it's normal that some people may be more or less interested or willing to make an effort... maybe choose a few more important areas (and criteria) and other stuff can be reward/playtime etc.

 

[Feathers]

And WOW, you got engaged!! CONGRATULATIONS!!

That is soo sweet to hear!!

I'm kinda hopeless with directions too, I do ask people though, mostly.. (especially if someone is with me, and we need to get somewhere...) Maybe just remember to rather ask for directions when you're with that particular person? Sometimes it can be fun to get lost too, and discover new areas, it depends who you're with and how much time you have... (or if feet might hurt )

I think people can have a different degree of pride/shyness/sensitivity to criticism etc. Depending on how we were brought up etc.
Shyness can actually be sweet and endearing too... I instantly liked one of my friends when she said how shy/introverted she was! (I thought, Wow, how open she is about this!!)

It's good that you're talking to other people, when one friend can't talk... She probably likes you a lot, just likes talking to other people too... And it's 'exposure therapy', remember?

Some 'too outgoing' people can be a bit too loud and sometimes not really sensitive to how other people might feel, or may have a different 'energy level', I can hang out with them sometimes (not for too long lol)...
Just remember you are 'different' - outgoing and friendly may be prized in some societies, some cultures actually PREFER more 'quiet' people or at least totally appreciate them!!

Others may see you as 'lovely' and 'mysterious', that's how I saw some people who later became friends!!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Some good mottos for (recovering) perfectionists:

aim for a C+ life

Everything worth doing well, is worth doing badly!
(Or my version: Everything worth doing well, is worth failing brilliantly at! )
Many people may still admire you for even just trying & going for it!!

It's IMPOSSIBLE to be 'the best' at 'EVERYTHING' - there are soo many things in life, it's normal that some people may be more or less interested or willing to make an effort... maybe choose a few more important areas (and criteria) and other stuff can be reward/playtime etc.

I know I'm too hard on myself. Sigh* But hey! That's a nice motto ::

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

thanks for the greetings. My bf was even so excited he posted it in Facebook, and got many likes! That made me happy and so damned scared at the same time.
Anyway, that'll be like 3 years from now so I'll try to relax first haha.