MikeyC
Well-known member
I recall you mentioned abandonment issues before, and being the youngest of seven (right?), it must be hard to take. Sorry to hear this, but hopefully it'll be okay.
Sweet Marie's Thread
- Thread starter Silatuyok
- Start date
I give up.
Last month, after I got over the initial shock and hurt feelings of no one telling me that my mom was planning to move away with my sister, I decided to make the best of the time I had left with my mom, swallow my pride, and offered to help her get her things packed and organized for the big move. I went to her house once to help, but the second time we had planned for me to come over and help again, she ended up emailing me and canceling, saying that she didn't want me to have to go out in the cold weather. I went along with it, though I thought it was kind of strange.
(I might also add here that there is only one day a week that I am able to go to her house to help, because she said she was too busy all the other days with people and friends who were wanting to take her out to dinner before she leaves in March.)
Yesterday, I invited my mom to go to brunch with me and my bf today, in order to celebrate her birthday, which is tomorrow. She said she wanted to wait and see what the weather did, because there was snow forecasted. It barely snowed overnight, and actually warmed up by about 20 degrees outside, so the weather is relatively pleasant today. She emailed me this morning and said that she is sorry, but she just doesn't feel like leaving the house today.
Okay.
I'm at a loss here. I'm redoubling my efforts to spend time with my mom, but she just doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. I know that if I had invited my dad to brunch instead, he would have rearranged all of his weekend plans in order to be able to see me. That's just the way he is.
I felt great today before I got that email, but now I just have that nagging lump in the back of my throat, and I don't even want to send my mom a reply or say happy birthday or anything anymore. Why can't she just meet me 10% of the way? That's all I'm asking for.
In other family drama, I'm starting to come to terms with my sister's decision to move. I still don't like her decision at all, but I have noticed that she seems perkier on Facebook (haven't actually talked to her in person recently), and she seems genuinely excited about the move. I also know that the cold weather really bothers her, so in that way I am happy for her that she is able to change part of an unhappy situation. I am still terribly disappointed in her (and in my mother, of course), but I would rather share in her joy as much as I am able, instead of harboring some petty grudge that isn't doing anyone any good.
The only thing that I know to do at this point is to focus on all the other good things and people in my life, and stop trying to force unconditional love out of people who don't seem to be able to give it. It's hard, though.
Last month, after I got over the initial shock and hurt feelings of no one telling me that my mom was planning to move away with my sister, I decided to make the best of the time I had left with my mom, swallow my pride, and offered to help her get her things packed and organized for the big move. I went to her house once to help, but the second time we had planned for me to come over and help again, she ended up emailing me and canceling, saying that she didn't want me to have to go out in the cold weather. I went along with it, though I thought it was kind of strange.
(I might also add here that there is only one day a week that I am able to go to her house to help, because she said she was too busy all the other days with people and friends who were wanting to take her out to dinner before she leaves in March.)
Yesterday, I invited my mom to go to brunch with me and my bf today, in order to celebrate her birthday, which is tomorrow. She said she wanted to wait and see what the weather did, because there was snow forecasted. It barely snowed overnight, and actually warmed up by about 20 degrees outside, so the weather is relatively pleasant today. She emailed me this morning and said that she is sorry, but she just doesn't feel like leaving the house today.
Okay.
I'm at a loss here. I'm redoubling my efforts to spend time with my mom, but she just doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. I know that if I had invited my dad to brunch instead, he would have rearranged all of his weekend plans in order to be able to see me. That's just the way he is.
I felt great today before I got that email, but now I just have that nagging lump in the back of my throat, and I don't even want to send my mom a reply or say happy birthday or anything anymore. Why can't she just meet me 10% of the way? That's all I'm asking for.
In other family drama, I'm starting to come to terms with my sister's decision to move. I still don't like her decision at all, but I have noticed that she seems perkier on Facebook (haven't actually talked to her in person recently), and she seems genuinely excited about the move. I also know that the cold weather really bothers her, so in that way I am happy for her that she is able to change part of an unhappy situation. I am still terribly disappointed in her (and in my mother, of course), but I would rather share in her joy as much as I am able, instead of harboring some petty grudge that isn't doing anyone any good.
The only thing that I know to do at this point is to focus on all the other good things and people in my life, and stop trying to force unconditional love out of people who don't seem to be able to give it. It's hard, though.
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GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
Marie, I really admire the way you're trying to focus on the positive aspects of these relationships and events, emphasizing the love over the pain. I know it's hard, but I believe that if you stick to the high road, dodging the potholes of despair as much as possible, you'll eventually get to where you want to be. You have too much goodness and joy in your heart to do anything else.
I know a little something about difficult family relations—I've been effectively estranged from mine for years. If you ever want to talk about any of this stuff, please feel free to let me know. Hugs.
I know a little something about difficult family relations—I've been effectively estranged from mine for years. If you ever want to talk about any of this stuff, please feel free to let me know. Hugs.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Marie, you're doing everything you can to try and spend time with her. I think that's an admirable effort considering the way she's just fobbing you off all the time. I'm sorry it's happening and there's nothing I can say to help you out here. You're right that you should focus on the better people in your life who do love you unconditionally.
If you're determined enough, perhaps you can ask your mum what's wrong, and why she's avoiding you and such. You might get some answers.
Either way, I, and others, from this forum are right here for you.
If you're determined enough, perhaps you can ask your mum what's wrong, and why she's avoiding you and such. You might get some answers.
Either way, I, and others, from this forum are right here for you.
Thank you Nanita, April Snow, Graybeard, and Mikey. Unfortunately, I know from experience that if I say anything the least bit critical to her, she will go into full emotional meltdown. So talking any of this through with her is completely out of the question. I wish it weren't, because I would be glad to explain to her how I feel and what I need from her, which is just a tiny bit of effort on her part.
I feel like I've given it a good college try, though, so I'm not going to torture myself by trying to reach out to her anymore. There's no point in trying to force something that is so one-sided. If she wants to see me she knows where to find me.
I feel like I've given it a good college try, though, so I'm not going to torture myself by trying to reach out to her anymore. There's no point in trying to force something that is so one-sided. If she wants to see me she knows where to find me.
In other news, I canceled my gym membership today. It took me a long time to finally decide to do it, but I just can't justify the several hundred dollars spent in a year for something that I use once a week at best. My only problem then, is trying to find a way to get some exercise at home during the colder months. Even just a little bit of yoga each day would help me to feel better about myself. All the cardio and muscle-building can wait for spring, as far as I'm concerned.
I've devised other ways to make good habits in my life, but I can't seem to be able to do the same for fitness. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
I've devised other ways to make good habits in my life, but I can't seem to be able to do the same for fitness. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.
Opaline
1
I do Youtube Pilates videos and a bodyweight workout at my house. I can see a difference in my body since I've been doing them consistently.
There are plenty of home workouts you can do using just your own body weight, or some simple equipment. I use a milk jug filled with water as a makeshift dumbbell. When you want to increase the weight you can add sand or something else.
You could do a Google search for at-home workouts and try them. I think it's a lot of fun because you can crank up the music and work out like crazy in the privacy of your own home, and not have to spend any money. And when you start to see real results, I personally think it makes a person extra proud because you did that all on your own without spending a dime. At least that's how I feel.
Let us know what you decide to do!
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The saga continues, for whoever is interested...
I woke up this morning to an email from my mom saying that she hopes I am not mad at her for not wanting to leave her house yesterday, and she went on with a long string of excuses as to why. I didn't have time to write a reply before I left for work.
This afternoon I get a text from my sister (the one who is buying the expensive beach house) asking me if I would like to go out to dinner to celebrate our mom's birthday. She had somehow magically convinced my mom to leave her house in the cold weather, when just 24 hours before she had flat out refused me. I said no, I didn't want to go, and left it at that.
When I got home, I reread the email from my mom and just got more upset and angry. So I replied, and very nicely told her the major points about what has been bothering me lately. I know it is going to upset her terribly, but I also told her that she deserves to know how I feel, and that I am tired of tip-toeing around, pretending I don't have feelings for fear of causing anyone any distress.
I feel better for having gotten the important things out there, finally, after decades of holding it all in. I kind of hate that it had to be done through email, but maybe it is better that way after all. At this point I'm just kind of curious to see what happens next. Probably more emailing, some sisterly involvement, and who knows what else. I don't anticipate a big scene, at least not on my part because I have already said my piece and so have let go of the anger I have been holding inside. Now I am just tired.
I woke up this morning to an email from my mom saying that she hopes I am not mad at her for not wanting to leave her house yesterday, and she went on with a long string of excuses as to why. I didn't have time to write a reply before I left for work.
This afternoon I get a text from my sister (the one who is buying the expensive beach house) asking me if I would like to go out to dinner to celebrate our mom's birthday. She had somehow magically convinced my mom to leave her house in the cold weather, when just 24 hours before she had flat out refused me. I said no, I didn't want to go, and left it at that.
When I got home, I reread the email from my mom and just got more upset and angry. So I replied, and very nicely told her the major points about what has been bothering me lately. I know it is going to upset her terribly, but I also told her that she deserves to know how I feel, and that I am tired of tip-toeing around, pretending I don't have feelings for fear of causing anyone any distress.
I feel better for having gotten the important things out there, finally, after decades of holding it all in. I kind of hate that it had to be done through email, but maybe it is better that way after all. At this point I'm just kind of curious to see what happens next. Probably more emailing, some sisterly involvement, and who knows what else. I don't anticipate a big scene, at least not on my part because I have already said my piece and so have let go of the anger I have been holding inside. Now I am just tired.
MikeyC
Well-known member
You did the right thing, Marie. I think the email format gave you time to word your response correctly, so there was no unnecessary hostility or slips of the tongue. You're certainly years past the date you should've done this, but better late than never, right?
I hope you get some decent response from your mother. I'm curious as to what it'll be, so if you're willing to share, keep me informed.
I hope you get some decent response from your mother. I'm curious as to what it'll be, so if you're willing to share, keep me informed.
Opaline
1
I agree, you did the right thing, Marie. No doubt about it. You absolutely deserve to make your feelings known. You shouldn't have to take treatment like that silently.
Even if your mother responds with something nasty or upset, I hope you don't let it affect you too much. I know it's your mother so that's probably hard to do. It takes courage sometimes to speak about these things, and I know from experience that we can often regret saying them at all. Sometimes it's easier to stay silent. But in the end, even if, worst-case scenario maybe, your mom stopped talking to you altogether, wouldn't you feel relieved that you at least spoke your mind once and for all? If she continues to be awful after that, you know who the better person is. And I hope I don't offend you in saying that, because she is your mother. I obviously don't know her, I'm just saying this based on your posts. But I do hope she hears you and things can be mended. I'm not sure about your sister, but I hope things get worked out with her, too.
Even if your mother responds with something nasty or upset, I hope you don't let it affect you too much. I know it's your mother so that's probably hard to do. It takes courage sometimes to speak about these things, and I know from experience that we can often regret saying them at all. Sometimes it's easier to stay silent. But in the end, even if, worst-case scenario maybe, your mom stopped talking to you altogether, wouldn't you feel relieved that you at least spoke your mind once and for all? If she continues to be awful after that, you know who the better person is. And I hope I don't offend you in saying that, because she is your mother. I obviously don't know her, I'm just saying this based on your posts. But I do hope she hears you and things can be mended. I'm not sure about your sister, but I hope things get worked out with her, too.
Thanks guys. My mom took the news well, and spent the entire day sending me several really long emails. Basically she was saying that she has felt it difficult to connect with me just as much as I have felt it difficult to connect with her, and the only reason she is closer to my sisters is because they have bugged her to death about spending time together and getting to know her.
I'm not so sure how I feel about all this. I do agree that we are very similar in many ways, but part of me still wants to believe that she should be the initiator in this situation. I mean, considering that I have felt this way about her for my entire life, where does she think that I learned to be closed off from her?
I don't know. She says she is going to make every effort to tell me every day what she is doing and whether or not she can spend time with me, just to give me the opportunity to see her more often. Part of me thinks it's too late for that, considering the bad winter that we are having, and her aversion to go out in the cold. By the time the weather gets milder she will be moving. I feel bitter about that. Part of me thinks that is overkill. Part of me doesn't want to see her so much anymore.
She didn't back down on any of the decisions she made regarding the move, and described the decision as a "no brainer." I guess there's no point in throwing a temper tantrum about that; I'm losing her and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm feeling pretty horrible tonight. It's hard for me to see gray areas, so if I can't blame it all on her then naturally I start to blame it all on myself. I can't even relate to my own family. No one knows the "real" me, the completely honest me that has been through hell and back. I am somehow capable of making even my own mother feel awkward when we spend time together. Right now I feel very diseased, disordered, just completely f*cked up as a human being. I write all this here and don't tell my partner, who is the only one I can actually feel close to right now. Even he doesn't know the half of what goes through my mind in times like these. I feel sub-human. I feel emotionally retarded. I feel too much pain and I just feel like closing up and holding it all inside where no one can ever find it.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not so sure how I feel about all this. I do agree that we are very similar in many ways, but part of me still wants to believe that she should be the initiator in this situation. I mean, considering that I have felt this way about her for my entire life, where does she think that I learned to be closed off from her?
I don't know. She says she is going to make every effort to tell me every day what she is doing and whether or not she can spend time with me, just to give me the opportunity to see her more often. Part of me thinks it's too late for that, considering the bad winter that we are having, and her aversion to go out in the cold. By the time the weather gets milder she will be moving. I feel bitter about that. Part of me thinks that is overkill. Part of me doesn't want to see her so much anymore.
She didn't back down on any of the decisions she made regarding the move, and described the decision as a "no brainer." I guess there's no point in throwing a temper tantrum about that; I'm losing her and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm feeling pretty horrible tonight. It's hard for me to see gray areas, so if I can't blame it all on her then naturally I start to blame it all on myself. I can't even relate to my own family. No one knows the "real" me, the completely honest me that has been through hell and back. I am somehow capable of making even my own mother feel awkward when we spend time together. Right now I feel very diseased, disordered, just completely f*cked up as a human being. I write all this here and don't tell my partner, who is the only one I can actually feel close to right now. Even he doesn't know the half of what goes through my mind in times like these. I feel sub-human. I feel emotionally retarded. I feel too much pain and I just feel like closing up and holding it all inside where no one can ever find it.
I don't know what to do.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Aw, gee, I'm sorry, Marie. :sad:
Does what your mum said feel like the truth? Do you think she's going to come good on keeping you in the loop with what she's doing? If so, will that continue once she's living on the west coast?
Maybe it's too late to repair the damage, but, despite how you're feeling, it's nice to have some sort of answer, even if it's not what you exactly wanted to hear.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now, Marie. If you need to chat to someone privately, I'm all ears.
Does what your mum said feel like the truth? Do you think she's going to come good on keeping you in the loop with what she's doing? If so, will that continue once she's living on the west coast?
Maybe it's too late to repair the damage, but, despite how you're feeling, it's nice to have some sort of answer, even if it's not what you exactly wanted to hear.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now, Marie. If you need to chat to someone privately, I'm all ears.
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
I hate to see you hurting like this, Marie, and I hate to see you blaming yourself for something that seems not to be your fault at all. You shouldn't have to beg your mother for her love and attention. That stuff's supposed to be automatic. You say your sisters had to "bug her to death" to get her to spend time with them. If she's naturally distant from all her daughters, not just you, that points to a flaw in her character, not yours. Unfortunately, some mothers just don't have well-developed motherly instincts. There's no use in blaming yourself for her shortcomings.
Please find someone to talk to about this. Keeping it bottled up inside will do you no good, and may well do you ill. If you can't talk to your family, find a friend, either in real life or online. You have a lot to choose from—probably more than you think. I believe your best bet, though, is to open up to your partner. Tell him what's going on, what you're thinking, and how you feel. Give him a chance to help you through this, to help you navigate the gray areas so you don't end up clinging to extremes. Most of all, give him a chance to help you see yourself as he probably sees you: as a kind, sweet, intelligent, talented, and seriously awesome young woman.
I know this is a tough time for you, but if you're willing to reach out and take the hands that are offered to you, I think you'll find it a lot easier to cope. You have my support and that of a lot of other people. Use it. It's well deserved.
Please find someone to talk to about this. Keeping it bottled up inside will do you no good, and may well do you ill. If you can't talk to your family, find a friend, either in real life or online. You have a lot to choose from—probably more than you think. I believe your best bet, though, is to open up to your partner. Tell him what's going on, what you're thinking, and how you feel. Give him a chance to help you through this, to help you navigate the gray areas so you don't end up clinging to extremes. Most of all, give him a chance to help you see yourself as he probably sees you: as a kind, sweet, intelligent, talented, and seriously awesome young woman.
I know this is a tough time for you, but if you're willing to reach out and take the hands that are offered to you, I think you'll find it a lot easier to cope. You have my support and that of a lot of other people. Use it. It's well deserved.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Your whole post is dripping with awesome, but this is so true. Marie, your partner is likely to want to help you out, and, where you're there for him, he'll be there for you, too.
Thank you very much, everyone. I really appreciate all the kind words and support. I don't know what I would do without it.
It was difficult, but I did manage to spill it all out to my bf last night. I got way deep into some pretty heavy stuff, and we talked it out well past midnight. He is pretty fed up with my whole family, and the situations I had to deal with growing up. I told him that I was still angry and upset after reading all of my mom's emails, but that I felt guilty about that, like I should just accept it and try to make nice. But that's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to show my mom the unconditional love that I feel like she has never been able to show me. I am going to explain to her that I am still angry and upset with her and with the whole situation, but that I still want to spend time with her because I still love her very much. I don't know when I will be ready to do that, but I do want to make things as good as they can be between us, and I'm not going to pretend anymore that everything is fine because that's not being honest and fair, and she deserves at least my honesty.
The thing that really gets me about all this is that she is putting it back on me for not being able to communicate with her and connect with her. She just doesn't seem to get that she is the mom and I am the daughter: I learned to be this way, based on situations I can remember from nearly 30 years ago. I don't blame her for being the way she is, I just wish she would acknowledge that she maybe wasn't the greatest mother and still isn't. She seems to be trying to placate me by saying how sorry she is to be leaving me, specifically, when I'm not really worried about myself. I'm angry because she is leaving her four grandchildren, none of whom have the best home life right now and all of whom really, really, need all the love and support they can get from family members right now. I am just so angry with her and my sister for leaving, for not even stopping to consider what should be important to them. I don't know how much longer my dad will be around or independent, considering his health issues and his stubbornness. You couldn't pay me to leave him at this point in time. And knowing how much he values the proximity of family, I can't imagine how he must be feeling about all this.
I'm still upset about the situation, but at least I feel much better about myself today. I am not sub-human. I think it's wrong for my mom to try to blame me for the love and attention she hasn't been able to give. I am the product of her upbringing, but I don't have to go along with that anymore. I am my own person, and I recognize that she has been less than stellar. I don't blame myself for that anymore. And I proved to myself last night that I have the ability to open up to another person and to make myself completely emotionally vulnerable. It isn't her and probably never will be, but that's not my fault.
I don't feel f*cked up or diseased or less than a human being today. I feel like I have grown ten feet tall, emotionally speaking, and that I have what it takes in me to finally break free from her emotional bonds and finally speak up for myself. I'm not going to protect my family with silence anymore. They made their decision, and I disagree with it, and I'm not afraid to say that anymore. No more placating, no more mediating, no more middling in order to spare any hurt feelings. I've been cheating my family from knowing me by trying to fly under the emotional radar for so long. But that's not really helping anybody. My family may be highly dysfunctional, but I'm finally realizing after all these years that I don't have to be. I don't have to accept their ways in order to love them and be close to them. I don't have to reject them in order to let them know that I am unhappy with them. There are mature, adult ways of dealing with these types of situations, and if my own parents and family don't know how to be adults, then I guess I will have to show them what it looks like.
It was difficult, but I did manage to spill it all out to my bf last night. I got way deep into some pretty heavy stuff, and we talked it out well past midnight. He is pretty fed up with my whole family, and the situations I had to deal with growing up. I told him that I was still angry and upset after reading all of my mom's emails, but that I felt guilty about that, like I should just accept it and try to make nice. But that's not what I'm going to do. I'm going to show my mom the unconditional love that I feel like she has never been able to show me. I am going to explain to her that I am still angry and upset with her and with the whole situation, but that I still want to spend time with her because I still love her very much. I don't know when I will be ready to do that, but I do want to make things as good as they can be between us, and I'm not going to pretend anymore that everything is fine because that's not being honest and fair, and she deserves at least my honesty.
The thing that really gets me about all this is that she is putting it back on me for not being able to communicate with her and connect with her. She just doesn't seem to get that she is the mom and I am the daughter: I learned to be this way, based on situations I can remember from nearly 30 years ago. I don't blame her for being the way she is, I just wish she would acknowledge that she maybe wasn't the greatest mother and still isn't. She seems to be trying to placate me by saying how sorry she is to be leaving me, specifically, when I'm not really worried about myself. I'm angry because she is leaving her four grandchildren, none of whom have the best home life right now and all of whom really, really, need all the love and support they can get from family members right now. I am just so angry with her and my sister for leaving, for not even stopping to consider what should be important to them. I don't know how much longer my dad will be around or independent, considering his health issues and his stubbornness. You couldn't pay me to leave him at this point in time. And knowing how much he values the proximity of family, I can't imagine how he must be feeling about all this.
I'm still upset about the situation, but at least I feel much better about myself today. I am not sub-human. I think it's wrong for my mom to try to blame me for the love and attention she hasn't been able to give. I am the product of her upbringing, but I don't have to go along with that anymore. I am my own person, and I recognize that she has been less than stellar. I don't blame myself for that anymore. And I proved to myself last night that I have the ability to open up to another person and to make myself completely emotionally vulnerable. It isn't her and probably never will be, but that's not my fault.
I don't feel f*cked up or diseased or less than a human being today. I feel like I have grown ten feet tall, emotionally speaking, and that I have what it takes in me to finally break free from her emotional bonds and finally speak up for myself. I'm not going to protect my family with silence anymore. They made their decision, and I disagree with it, and I'm not afraid to say that anymore. No more placating, no more mediating, no more middling in order to spare any hurt feelings. I've been cheating my family from knowing me by trying to fly under the emotional radar for so long. But that's not really helping anybody. My family may be highly dysfunctional, but I'm finally realizing after all these years that I don't have to be. I don't have to accept their ways in order to love them and be close to them. I don't have to reject them in order to let them know that I am unhappy with them. There are mature, adult ways of dealing with these types of situations, and if my own parents and family don't know how to be adults, then I guess I will have to show them what it looks like.
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
(Just imagine they're all standing.)
Yes.
I've been reading this situation and not knowing how to respond, but I can positively say that this is good.