Sweet Marie's Thread
- Thread starter Silatuyok
- Start date
I went back through the emails from my mother and finally replied, as well as replying to my sister (NOT the moving sister) who is concerned and wants to know what is going on.
I feel relieved after finally getting all of my reasons and concerns out there, and I can honestly say that I am ready to move on from this whole thing. Of course, there is still the nagging problem that I am not on good terms with the sister who is moving, but she doesn't seem to know or care that I am upset with her at this point, so part of me just doesn't care about that at all.
Anyway, while reading and emailing today I realized something about myself today that really struck me. I was thinking back to my childhood. I was an intensely focused and serious child, and I can remember actually being in diapers and experiencing feelings of anxiety about various things. Even so, I remember my first seven years as being happy ones. The reason I was happy, I'm realizing, is because those were the years that we lived out in the countryside. My home life wasn't great, and I was a hypersensitive child from the get-go, but living out where there was space to roam, animals to make friends with, bugs to look at, wild raspberries to eat, cornfields to get lost in...that was my great escape. I wasn't a lonely child, I was just happy to be alone.
Close to my eighth birthday we moved back to the city, and everything just went sour from then on. I suddenly had a small backyard, a street I wasn't allowed to walk down by myself, a friend next door that I couldn't get away from, and the worst part of all--public school. I guess it's good that I got that forced social interaction as early as I did. But looking back I can see it all as one big arduous task, and the source of my unhappinesses. I was taken away from the woods and fields and ponds and orchards, and my soul just shriveled.
Nowadays, I'm finally feeling like I'm in control of my happiness, for the first time ever. I think this has a lot to do with my environment. I still live in the city, which isn't ideal, but I live is a more rural-looking part of the city. I can't hit my neighbor's house if I throw a rock at it. I have a yard to run around in, where I don't feel like people are watching me out their windows. I can walk down the street at 3am in my house slippers and not feel like I'm going to get abducted. I have space to breathe, lots of wildlife nearby, and plenty of opportunity to make a quick wooded escape if I need it.
I've never realized before just how important this is to me. I think I would be even happier if I had more than a double lot to call my own. If I had my own acres, my own forest and my own body of water to visit whenever I wanted to, I think I could find a very deep tranquility there. I could be truly at home, and in my own little heaven.
I would dearly like to have a home out away from the city someday. Thinking about it and imagining it gives me a lot of pleasure, and gives me something to look forward to in the future. That can be my big goal, is to find my forever home that I never want to leave. The place my soul loves.
For now, I'm pretty happy with the next best thing.
I feel relieved after finally getting all of my reasons and concerns out there, and I can honestly say that I am ready to move on from this whole thing. Of course, there is still the nagging problem that I am not on good terms with the sister who is moving, but she doesn't seem to know or care that I am upset with her at this point, so part of me just doesn't care about that at all.
Anyway, while reading and emailing today I realized something about myself today that really struck me. I was thinking back to my childhood. I was an intensely focused and serious child, and I can remember actually being in diapers and experiencing feelings of anxiety about various things. Even so, I remember my first seven years as being happy ones. The reason I was happy, I'm realizing, is because those were the years that we lived out in the countryside. My home life wasn't great, and I was a hypersensitive child from the get-go, but living out where there was space to roam, animals to make friends with, bugs to look at, wild raspberries to eat, cornfields to get lost in...that was my great escape. I wasn't a lonely child, I was just happy to be alone.
Close to my eighth birthday we moved back to the city, and everything just went sour from then on. I suddenly had a small backyard, a street I wasn't allowed to walk down by myself, a friend next door that I couldn't get away from, and the worst part of all--public school. I guess it's good that I got that forced social interaction as early as I did. But looking back I can see it all as one big arduous task, and the source of my unhappinesses. I was taken away from the woods and fields and ponds and orchards, and my soul just shriveled.
Nowadays, I'm finally feeling like I'm in control of my happiness, for the first time ever. I think this has a lot to do with my environment. I still live in the city, which isn't ideal, but I live is a more rural-looking part of the city. I can't hit my neighbor's house if I throw a rock at it. I have a yard to run around in, where I don't feel like people are watching me out their windows. I can walk down the street at 3am in my house slippers and not feel like I'm going to get abducted. I have space to breathe, lots of wildlife nearby, and plenty of opportunity to make a quick wooded escape if I need it.
I've never realized before just how important this is to me. I think I would be even happier if I had more than a double lot to call my own. If I had my own acres, my own forest and my own body of water to visit whenever I wanted to, I think I could find a very deep tranquility there. I could be truly at home, and in my own little heaven.
I would dearly like to have a home out away from the city someday. Thinking about it and imagining it gives me a lot of pleasure, and gives me something to look forward to in the future. That can be my big goal, is to find my forever home that I never want to leave. The place my soul loves.
For now, I'm pretty happy with the next best thing.
Opaline
1
I feel you on that, Marie. Having some wildlife and woods and greenery nearby makes all the difference. I live in the dirty city, and I can't walk down the street without that fear. My neighbors' houses are two feet from my own. Our yard is tiny and there are apartment windows on every side of it. Not that we could utilize it anyway - our landlord uses it as his junk dump. It's filled with rusty old appliances and stuff. Such a shame.
I often get a longing to go on a hike. I really REALLY miss the greenness of the area in PA I lived. There's nowhere around here to hike or get out into nature. I'd have to drive a ways, and my mom doesn't want the car going that far. And she certainly won't drive us anywhere anyway. It would be nice to do a family hike or something, but that's never going to happen.
Sorry, I don't mean to make this about me. It's your journal. But I think you are completely right about the difference physical environment makes on our overall sense of well-being. That's great that you have enough nature in your area to make you feel like you're not trapped in the concrete jungle. And all the animals you work with probably makes you feel more connected to nature, too, I would think
I often get a longing to go on a hike. I really REALLY miss the greenness of the area in PA I lived. There's nowhere around here to hike or get out into nature. I'd have to drive a ways, and my mom doesn't want the car going that far. And she certainly won't drive us anywhere anyway. It would be nice to do a family hike or something, but that's never going to happen.
Sorry, I don't mean to make this about me. It's your journal. But I think you are completely right about the difference physical environment makes on our overall sense of well-being. That's great that you have enough nature in your area to make you feel like you're not trapped in the concrete jungle. And all the animals you work with probably makes you feel more connected to nature, too, I would think
A Many Splendored Thing
Well-known member
That sounds like it'd be really enjoyable. I hope you get there someday.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Some people like the rural parts of the world, and others like the bright lights of the city. I can tell which side of that fence you reside in, Marie.
I hope you can live in a place like you dream of, like you were in your younger years. Having a large area to yourself is very good.
I hope you can live in a place like you dream of, like you were in your younger years. Having a large area to yourself is very good.
I realize the paradox of posting this here, but sometimes I really feel like I need to quit this site. And sometimes I do, but there's always something about it that pulls me back after a few months or so. I've said before that I come here because I've made friends here, and that is very true. I love spending an hour in the chatroom with people I feel like I have a connection to, and getting to interact with them through posts is something I value.
But what of the rest of it? I no longer come here to get advice about problems socializing. I try to give advice to other people on their issues, but more often than not it seems to fall on uncaring ears. I spend a lot of time here, more time than I would like to admit, just waiting for something to happen, and reading through threads that I can't even really relate to. It has become a compulsory habit. And yet I complain that I don't have enough time in life to do all the things I wish I could. Am I just procrastinating? Or is it just laziness? Do i really feel such a huge need to be validated by others, and if so why?
Typically, when I'm not addicted to this site, I get on Facebook and start updating photos and statuses many times a day, or I find some other social medium to use as an outlet. This is what makes me think that, whatever flaws this site may possess, the real problem I have comes from within myself. It's not you all, it's me.
Then again, I really only tend to get addicted to my computer during the winter months. If this is just a coping mechanism for me, then is that such a bad thing? I still manage to do other things with my time, so why do I feel so bad for spending so much time here? Then again, why can't I go even one day without coming here, if it's not such a big deal?
I'm not sure what else to say; I don't want to offend anyone or make it seem like this is a bad place to spend time. That's not my point here at all. I guess my point is just that I wish I could find a way to moderate my obsession with it, with my need to constantly put in my two cents and make sure that everyone knows just exactly what I'm thinking about every topic. Why does it even matter if anyone else knows how I feel about a subject, any subject?
It's really silly, but I suffer from this existential forum angst. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Will anything change if I decide not to be here anymore? Will anyone remember me if I go, and in ten years will anything that I have said even matter? Why do I keep coming here if it makes me feel this way? Why can't I come here once a week, or even once a day, without getting sucked back in to everything that is going on? Do I just need to quit cold turkey? At this point I just don't even think that's possible.
As with everything in life, I suppose I just need to find a balance. I know I have the willpower to do it, but I just haven't been able to tap into that strength yet. I don't want to do what I've tried before, cutting off all ties with my online friends and pretending like they mean nothing to me anymore. Some people here are truly important to me. I miss them when they're gone and I'd like to think that they would miss a little something if I left totally and completely. I have no desire to do that. But I do need to find a way to start cutting back, however guilty I may feel for doing so. But it's not like anyone here can't survive without me; that would be a silly thing to assume.
This is all just a part of my bigger internet problem, and I'm just going to have to keep working at it until I find a happy solution. There has to be a better way, I just need to find it.
But what of the rest of it? I no longer come here to get advice about problems socializing. I try to give advice to other people on their issues, but more often than not it seems to fall on uncaring ears. I spend a lot of time here, more time than I would like to admit, just waiting for something to happen, and reading through threads that I can't even really relate to. It has become a compulsory habit. And yet I complain that I don't have enough time in life to do all the things I wish I could. Am I just procrastinating? Or is it just laziness? Do i really feel such a huge need to be validated by others, and if so why?
Typically, when I'm not addicted to this site, I get on Facebook and start updating photos and statuses many times a day, or I find some other social medium to use as an outlet. This is what makes me think that, whatever flaws this site may possess, the real problem I have comes from within myself. It's not you all, it's me.
Then again, I really only tend to get addicted to my computer during the winter months. If this is just a coping mechanism for me, then is that such a bad thing? I still manage to do other things with my time, so why do I feel so bad for spending so much time here? Then again, why can't I go even one day without coming here, if it's not such a big deal?
I'm not sure what else to say; I don't want to offend anyone or make it seem like this is a bad place to spend time. That's not my point here at all. I guess my point is just that I wish I could find a way to moderate my obsession with it, with my need to constantly put in my two cents and make sure that everyone knows just exactly what I'm thinking about every topic. Why does it even matter if anyone else knows how I feel about a subject, any subject?
It's really silly, but I suffer from this existential forum angst. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Will anything change if I decide not to be here anymore? Will anyone remember me if I go, and in ten years will anything that I have said even matter? Why do I keep coming here if it makes me feel this way? Why can't I come here once a week, or even once a day, without getting sucked back in to everything that is going on? Do I just need to quit cold turkey? At this point I just don't even think that's possible.
As with everything in life, I suppose I just need to find a balance. I know I have the willpower to do it, but I just haven't been able to tap into that strength yet. I don't want to do what I've tried before, cutting off all ties with my online friends and pretending like they mean nothing to me anymore. Some people here are truly important to me. I miss them when they're gone and I'd like to think that they would miss a little something if I left totally and completely. I have no desire to do that. But I do need to find a way to start cutting back, however guilty I may feel for doing so. But it's not like anyone here can't survive without me; that would be a silly thing to assume.
This is all just a part of my bigger internet problem, and I'm just going to have to keep working at it until I find a happy solution. There has to be a better way, I just need to find it.
Nanita
Well-known member
I get what you're saying.
I sometimes feel that it's weird for me to be here and sometimes coming here contributes to a general lousy lonely feeling.
However, this place has given me many positive things, for almost 3 years now.
I have sometimes not used this forum for weeks or months, which is probably healthy. But in general I like to change my habbits often, anyway.
I noticed that in times when I only come here once in a while, it almost feels meaningless to be here and I feel less connected to people here/the community feeling. When I come here daily/several times a week, I feel more conencted to people here, obviously, which is probably the whole reason for coming here, to feel connected to people.
If I didnt use this place I dont think I would use any other forum. I would probably just use the internet less
I sometimes feel that it's weird for me to be here and sometimes coming here contributes to a general lousy lonely feeling.
However, this place has given me many positive things, for almost 3 years now.
I have sometimes not used this forum for weeks or months, which is probably healthy. But in general I like to change my habbits often, anyway.
I noticed that in times when I only come here once in a while, it almost feels meaningless to be here and I feel less connected to people here/the community feeling. When I come here daily/several times a week, I feel more conencted to people here, obviously, which is probably the whole reason for coming here, to feel connected to people.
If I didnt use this place I dont think I would use any other forum. I would probably just use the internet less
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Thanks Nanita. I totally agree, that when I don't come here often I lose that community feeling, and I miss it.
I have devised a rough draft plan to try to give me the best of both worlds. I will keep my computer turned off until the end of each day, at which point I need to get online to post my daily photo anyway. I can't indulge in any social media unless I have completed all of my daily goals, which includes:
having a clean house,
playing with my dog for at least half an hour,
exercising,
and having all of the animals completely taken care of.
I also want to start making sure I'm in bed by 10pm.
And one more thing: I'm keeping my laptop in one designated place for use, instead of carrying it all around the house with me like it's attached.
Starting tonight, this is my plan. I am determined to stick with it!
I have devised a rough draft plan to try to give me the best of both worlds. I will keep my computer turned off until the end of each day, at which point I need to get online to post my daily photo anyway. I can't indulge in any social media unless I have completed all of my daily goals, which includes:
having a clean house,
playing with my dog for at least half an hour,
exercising,
and having all of the animals completely taken care of.
I also want to start making sure I'm in bed by 10pm.
And one more thing: I'm keeping my laptop in one designated place for use, instead of carrying it all around the house with me like it's attached.
Starting tonight, this is my plan. I am determined to stick with it!
Thanks guys! Perhaps I can do a little nightly update so you don't miss me too much, Mikey.
I'm feeling much better about this now. I spent a good amount of time this evening cleaning up the house and whatnot. And earlier today I spent about half an hour out in the woods with the doggie. So far so good, I'd say. And this is me signing off until tomorrow evening. :greeting:
Goodnight, all!
I'm feeling much better about this now. I spent a good amount of time this evening cleaning up the house and whatnot. And earlier today I spent about half an hour out in the woods with the doggie. So far so good, I'd say. And this is me signing off until tomorrow evening. :greeting:
Goodnight, all!
Draconess25
Well-known member
For me, social media is a part of my to-do list. xD I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of a forum topic or something.
I talked to me dad last night on the phone. The rate at which he is becoming old is really kind of scary. I almost feel like I'm at that point where I should be stopping by his house every few days just to check on him. I expected this to happen at some point, but I guess I just figured I'd be older than 30 when my parents started needing to be taken care of. And now that my sister and mom are moving away, the full responsibility falls on me. I have an older brother and an older sister who also live in town, but sadly enough they can't even take care of themselves so I can't even think to rely on them for help.
So, it's just me. And it wouldn't be so bad except that my dad is extremely stubborn. He hates doctors, hates dentists, hates medications, hates anyone who tries to tell him what he has to do. He has been falling apart for years and will do almost nothing to help himself. And I get to be the only one to stick around and deal with the consequences. I don't even know how to begin approaching this problem. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing for him, but I'm also not going to nag him or try to change his way of life that he has gotten so used to. The only thing I can think to do at this point is to make sure I stay in touch with him, call him every once in a while, or invite him out to lunch or dinner. But I know that before long he's going to need much more than that. And I guess not knowing how it's going to be and what in the world I'm going to do about any of it is starting to weigh on my mind. Not only has his physical health been in decline for years, but now his mind is beginning to show signs of slipping away as well.
As the youngest of eight children, I can honestly say that no part of me is mentally or emotionally prepared for this responsibility. I've never had to take care of another human being in my life, and I guess I never realized that it might ultimately fall on me to be my dad's caretaker. Lately that has begun to sink in, and I'm struggling to adjust to the thought. I just don't know where to begin. I know his independence is of crucial importance to him, but at what point is it my responsibility to tell him what he can and can't do, or where he needs to live, or what he should be spending his social security check on? I just don't feel comfortable with the thought of even recognizing that these issues exist, much less taking charge and making sure everything is going along properly.
I guess I'm jumping the gun a bit. He is far from being an invalid, and seems to be doing okay for the time being just living on his own and doing his own thing. But it has just become one of those anxieties always hovering there in the back of my mind. It's just one of those things that you have to wait and see what happens. Not much else I can do about it at this point.
So, it's just me. And it wouldn't be so bad except that my dad is extremely stubborn. He hates doctors, hates dentists, hates medications, hates anyone who tries to tell him what he has to do. He has been falling apart for years and will do almost nothing to help himself. And I get to be the only one to stick around and deal with the consequences. I don't even know how to begin approaching this problem. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing for him, but I'm also not going to nag him or try to change his way of life that he has gotten so used to. The only thing I can think to do at this point is to make sure I stay in touch with him, call him every once in a while, or invite him out to lunch or dinner. But I know that before long he's going to need much more than that. And I guess not knowing how it's going to be and what in the world I'm going to do about any of it is starting to weigh on my mind. Not only has his physical health been in decline for years, but now his mind is beginning to show signs of slipping away as well.
As the youngest of eight children, I can honestly say that no part of me is mentally or emotionally prepared for this responsibility. I've never had to take care of another human being in my life, and I guess I never realized that it might ultimately fall on me to be my dad's caretaker. Lately that has begun to sink in, and I'm struggling to adjust to the thought. I just don't know where to begin. I know his independence is of crucial importance to him, but at what point is it my responsibility to tell him what he can and can't do, or where he needs to live, or what he should be spending his social security check on? I just don't feel comfortable with the thought of even recognizing that these issues exist, much less taking charge and making sure everything is going along properly.
I guess I'm jumping the gun a bit. He is far from being an invalid, and seems to be doing okay for the time being just living on his own and doing his own thing. But it has just become one of those anxieties always hovering there in the back of my mind. It's just one of those things that you have to wait and see what happens. Not much else I can do about it at this point.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Eventually, our carers become the very people we have to care for. The joys of aging.
I don't know how to prepare yourself for that, either. You're right that keeping in touch with him is the best thing you can do right now, so make those tougher decisions as they come about.
I don't know how to prepare yourself for that, either. You're right that keeping in touch with him is the best thing you can do right now, so make those tougher decisions as they come about.
I've been feeling the need lately for a friend. A companion, preferably of the female persuasion, to just...be my friend. Someone I can talk to that doesn't involve just complaining or gossiping (although a little of those things could be good too). I used to have this in my sisters, but now they are out of state and too busy to be my pal. I miss that. We three used to meet once a week at each others' places to watch tv and eat snacks. I still remember one of the last times we met together like that, I showed them my bf's dating site profile, shortly before I went out with him for the first time. That was four years ago, and it hurts to think how much we have grown apart since then. I have done my part, being so wrapped up in putting all my energy into making the relationship work, but now that my life has stabilized I feel like I need them again and they have moved on. The thing is, I feel like we all three really need each other in this way, and yet we have somehow failed to continue to be there for each other in the past few years. It makes me sad, and I wonder if we will ever get that back.
I guess what I'm really wanting is that sisterly bond with someone. I want to befriend someone in an active way, not the mind-numbingly passive way that is social media these days. I can post my favorite song on facebook all day and only a few people might bother to watch or "like" it, but I want someone to share the video or song with directly, to share the experience, maybe even have a conversation or at least exchange words about it. If this were someone geographically close that would be wonderful, because we could meet at the coffee shop down the road and sit together and laugh over things and compliment each other's hairstyles. But even if I could have this sort of intimate relationship with someone online, I think that would be wonderful as well. I want to be writing these thoughts and feelings to one special person, instead of posting it out there for everyone to see and hoping that someone might respond if they feel like it. That method has its value and is something I enjoy doing, but you have to admit that it is terribly impersonal, and can end up making me feel more alone than I felt before I typed anything at all.
Some of you may be wondering why I feel lonely when I have the ever-coveted relationship. I actually live with someone that I consider to be my best friend and with whom I share nearly everything. And yes, that's very nice, but it's not enough. The balance is off. I want another friendship, one that isn't concerned with who did the dishes last or what bills still need to be paid. I don't want another person to share a retirement fund with, just another person to get to know and like, and someone to share things with in a direct manner. I miss that directness that exists almost nowhere on the internet anymore. It could exist, and does sometimes, but more often than not we are just flinging things out there for a hundred or so people to glance at if they have the time. All the intimacy is gone.
It's been such a long time since I made a friend that wasn't someone I was romantically involved with. I don't even know how to do it anymore, if I ever did in the first place. Reeling in a partner is relatively easy for me, but without the vulnerability and bonding that comes with the physical aspect of a relationship, then I am at a loss. How do I express my interest in a potential platonic companion? How do I act without coming across as obsessed and overbearing? How do I even begin to know that the person likes me back and isn't just humoring me out of pity or some sense of duty? And what assurance could I possibly have that I am special to that person, and that they aren't going to just pass me over for some other, better friend that they may already have dozens of?
I'm reminded of a time in highschool, when I made friends with a girl in my class that I really loved. When I invited her to come over to spend the weekend at my house and she accepted, I was overjoyed and spent the next week just coming up with things for us to do that weekend. That Friday, hours before we were supposed to be leaving for my home, she ran up to me and said that she had decided to go to someone else's house that weekend instead. To say that I was crushed is an understatement. I was irreparably damaged, as is made obvious by the fact that, fourteen years later, it still hurts to think about it. I think that's the last time I ever invited any girl (sisters aside) out to do anything with me.
I guess I lost my trust, and I never got it back. I tried reading books about how to overcome shyness, and how to make friends and eventually I learned how to be friendly with people and make some really good acquaintances. But I wouldn't in the least know how to jump that space between acquaintance and friend, even though I've fantasized about it with certain people. Actually, I do remember attempting to hang out with my coworker, when I first started my current job. She was open to it, but things never lined up right, and it just never happened, which left me assuming that she never really wanted to in the first place. The trouble with adults is, many times they will agree to hang out with you, but you can never really tell if they mean it or not, or if they are just being polite. I'm guilty of this as well, but it hurts when time and time again another person or another couple flakes out or changes their plans the day before or decides they just can't make it for one reason or another. The more I type about it the more times I am reminded of times we have invited people out to do things with us, and they have acted interested but nothing has ever come of it.
I think that, somewhere along the way, I have just given up. I know my bf feels the same way, so it's not just a social anxiety thing. He is an extrovert who has no problem meeting or hanging out and talking to people, but he still feels this dreadful lack of commitment among people who are supposed to be his or our "friends." These are people of all ages, from all walks of life, and we just can't seem to find anyone who really cares enough to give a damn. It's frustrating. I'm used to being lonely and friendless, but it hurts me to see him wanting to be liked by people and no one will bother to be his good friend. What is the deal with people?
I guess what I'm really wanting is that sisterly bond with someone. I want to befriend someone in an active way, not the mind-numbingly passive way that is social media these days. I can post my favorite song on facebook all day and only a few people might bother to watch or "like" it, but I want someone to share the video or song with directly, to share the experience, maybe even have a conversation or at least exchange words about it. If this were someone geographically close that would be wonderful, because we could meet at the coffee shop down the road and sit together and laugh over things and compliment each other's hairstyles. But even if I could have this sort of intimate relationship with someone online, I think that would be wonderful as well. I want to be writing these thoughts and feelings to one special person, instead of posting it out there for everyone to see and hoping that someone might respond if they feel like it. That method has its value and is something I enjoy doing, but you have to admit that it is terribly impersonal, and can end up making me feel more alone than I felt before I typed anything at all.
Some of you may be wondering why I feel lonely when I have the ever-coveted relationship. I actually live with someone that I consider to be my best friend and with whom I share nearly everything. And yes, that's very nice, but it's not enough. The balance is off. I want another friendship, one that isn't concerned with who did the dishes last or what bills still need to be paid. I don't want another person to share a retirement fund with, just another person to get to know and like, and someone to share things with in a direct manner. I miss that directness that exists almost nowhere on the internet anymore. It could exist, and does sometimes, but more often than not we are just flinging things out there for a hundred or so people to glance at if they have the time. All the intimacy is gone.
It's been such a long time since I made a friend that wasn't someone I was romantically involved with. I don't even know how to do it anymore, if I ever did in the first place. Reeling in a partner is relatively easy for me, but without the vulnerability and bonding that comes with the physical aspect of a relationship, then I am at a loss. How do I express my interest in a potential platonic companion? How do I act without coming across as obsessed and overbearing? How do I even begin to know that the person likes me back and isn't just humoring me out of pity or some sense of duty? And what assurance could I possibly have that I am special to that person, and that they aren't going to just pass me over for some other, better friend that they may already have dozens of?
I'm reminded of a time in highschool, when I made friends with a girl in my class that I really loved. When I invited her to come over to spend the weekend at my house and she accepted, I was overjoyed and spent the next week just coming up with things for us to do that weekend. That Friday, hours before we were supposed to be leaving for my home, she ran up to me and said that she had decided to go to someone else's house that weekend instead. To say that I was crushed is an understatement. I was irreparably damaged, as is made obvious by the fact that, fourteen years later, it still hurts to think about it. I think that's the last time I ever invited any girl (sisters aside) out to do anything with me.
I guess I lost my trust, and I never got it back. I tried reading books about how to overcome shyness, and how to make friends and eventually I learned how to be friendly with people and make some really good acquaintances. But I wouldn't in the least know how to jump that space between acquaintance and friend, even though I've fantasized about it with certain people. Actually, I do remember attempting to hang out with my coworker, when I first started my current job. She was open to it, but things never lined up right, and it just never happened, which left me assuming that she never really wanted to in the first place. The trouble with adults is, many times they will agree to hang out with you, but you can never really tell if they mean it or not, or if they are just being polite. I'm guilty of this as well, but it hurts when time and time again another person or another couple flakes out or changes their plans the day before or decides they just can't make it for one reason or another. The more I type about it the more times I am reminded of times we have invited people out to do things with us, and they have acted interested but nothing has ever come of it.
I think that, somewhere along the way, I have just given up. I know my bf feels the same way, so it's not just a social anxiety thing. He is an extrovert who has no problem meeting or hanging out and talking to people, but he still feels this dreadful lack of commitment among people who are supposed to be his or our "friends." These are people of all ages, from all walks of life, and we just can't seem to find anyone who really cares enough to give a damn. It's frustrating. I'm used to being lonely and friendless, but it hurts me to see him wanting to be liked by people and no one will bother to be his good friend. What is the deal with people?
I agree with a lot of what you posted (I'm just quoting less to focus on what I want to reply to the most) and feel the same way about a lot of it. I am always clueless as to whether anyone really likes me or not (another reason I am trying to learn about body language/social skills/similar things).
I often wonder the same thing as your last question. What is the deal with people? It seems like most people are just fine with only having acquaintances and they don't seem to care how about how much time they spend with anyone one in particular or how long their acquaintanceship(s) lasts. Most people can't seem to be bothered to try to develop a close relationship with anyone unless they end up spending time with that person due to work, school, church, etc. I think it might be due to that though: the fact for their entire life, they have always had something that they had to do: school or work, and possibly other things added in along with it, like church, that has forced them to be around, and interact with, other people. It's what they've grown up with and became used to. It's easy. I guess it's also a habit of always going with the path of least resistance. So they stick with it their entire lives.
Having SA and poor social skills, I feel like another reason is because alot people don't have SA, have good social skills, confidence, etc and know that they can easily have acquaintances/friends, so they aren't worried and don't try hard. I think some people might also be satisfied with just having acquaintances and are fine with gaining new ones and losing old ones, due to work, moving, etc.
Another reason is right in your post: family. People place a lot of value on family: it really matters to them. And look at yourself: you have two sisters, making three of you total. I'm sorry to hear how long it's been since you've spent time together and how you've grown apart. But when you three were regularly spending time together, that was two people right there that you were close to and regularly spending time with. Then you also have parents, so that could be two more.
So a question that needs to be asked and thought about is this: how many different can you be friends with (not just acquaintances, but close friends) with at one time? 2-3 sounds about right to me. More just sounds exhausting/challenging, but I'm sure there are people that can handle more. I think it would get challenging though. And one thing is that life can get in the way of just two people spending a lot of time together and being close, let alone 3, 4, or 6 or 10, etc. The more people you add in the more differing work schedules, family schedules/plans/etc are added in, making it more challenging.
Still though, it's still odd how people are like this when there are so many ways to stay in close contact with other people, and even do things with other people, via the internet. E-Mail, chat programs, Skype, forums, video games (multiplayer), etc. If two or more people really want to be close friends, stay up-to-date with each other, and do things with each other, they can. And if you do it right, it shouldn't be a hassle at all really. Heck, you also have cellphones and texting.
That really sucks. :sad: That would really crush me too and I'm sure it would continue to bother me for many years as well.
Not knowing anything about her (or every detail about the experience), I will assume that she honestly just didn't know how important it was to you. This is an example of how someone without SA lives in relation to socializing/hanging out with people/making friends versus how someone with SA lives in relation to the same. When you really struggle to socialize with people, gain acquaintances, and make friends, all of it means a lot more to you and is more important to you than it would be to most other people. And when things go the way you want, or at least go well, you get excited. Finally! You can get your hopes up. And when it doesn't work out...it can be very depressing.
Opaline
1
I can relate to this word for word (minus the boyfriend). And I don't know what the solution is. There are so many articles online about how to make friends - real friends - but it seems like one of those things that works in theory, but in practice is much more difficult. You might find yourself getting along well with someone and think, Great! New friend! but as you said already, often it just doesn't get any farther than that initial friendliness, and your attempts to meet up go up in smoke as the excuses come or forgetfulness (should probably put that in quotes, because sometimes I think it's an excuse to avoid) happens.
There should be an official handbook entitled How to Make Friends for Adults, and everyone should be required to read it their senior year of high school, and then go out and make friends the right way and keep in touch with them