Suicidal thoughts.

[Latino_guy90]

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

 

[Klaus]

I'm sitting here with a plan set, and figuring out when to get the things i need to actually go through with doing this and i am scared out of my mind.
I've felt suicidal in the past, but never have i come this far with actual planing, i've never even started before. it has always been just thoughts.
What is the point? I am never gonna be happy, because i am never satisfied.
I've made progress with my social anxiety. I've gone to a couple of parties, made acquaintances, actually managed to hold conversations with girls, taken an acting class for gods sake. Things that a year ago I would have never even had dreamt of doing, and i am still about as miserable as i was back then.
I missed out on my adolescence, cant turn back time. I am ugly, cant change that. I hate everything about me, from my personality, to the color of my skin, to my smile.
Part of me wants to reach out for help, part of me is scared and worries about my family and what it would do to them. I am a coward because i want the easy way out, and i am a coward, because i am to afraid to do it.

I can understand your frustration and your willing to kill yourself, but I can't understand the point at comitting suicide. Life is always changing. In 5 years your life can be completely different from what it is now. We simple don't know the future.

I used to think about suicide a lot, but now I just know I will be the last to die. I want to see how my life will end naturally. To see if my huge struggles today will become something or anything.

 

[StrandedTangle]

I can't and won't say that I know what you're going through. Pain is only one-deep. I have been there myself, but do not have your life experiences. It sounds from what you have said that you are a really caring guy, as you worry about what it would do to your family.
I think you do care about yourself, or at least you did; given all the things you have done.
Parties; Acting classes etc. These are huge; huge things. I can relate somewhat; as I had a period in my life where I actually believed I had turned it all around. I also relate to missing out on your youth. I feel I was born old.
I don't know what I can say that does not sound shallow. Just know that you are not alone in these feelings. I think you are reaching out just by having Posted here.
I am only a Newbie and I feel I am struggling to be accepted even in this Group. Apparently that is quite common as I Posted a question about it yesterday. Maybe I'm not the best to advise, but I could not let your Posting go without replying. Please feel free to Message me if you want. Check my Profile. Not much there yet, but a bit.
I will be out all day tomorrow. I just say this as I don't want you to think I was fobbing you off. Here in Brisbane it is now Thursday night so I won't be online too much longer; but I will be around again by Saturday. Hang in there.

Tangled.

 

[lunarla]

Not the thing to do, my friend. I'm sure it seems like the best idea right now - I know how that is. It is probably accurate enough to say that your mind is not well right now though. Sleep, talk to someone, talk to a professional. Look at the biggerrrrrrrr picture. What are the things that are really getting you down? Your appearance? - I assure you whatever you're thinking of it right now is warped beyond belief; I've had times where I've thought I barely looked human. Your personality? C'mon now. That's just dumb right there, your personality is probably lightyears beyond most people's.

The best thing you said that entire post was to reach out for help. Do it. Listen to the help you receive and help yourself with it.

 

[rosie_lea]

I know I have felt like this at times, like all hope has gone, I remind myself of the good things in life, even though they seem few they are worth holding on for. I found help through counselling, maybe reach out and talk to someone?

 

[Feathers]

Ooh!! Acting classes!! Filmmaking!!!

I'm soo jealous!! You're life is soo exciting!!! Or at least it will be, if you make it past this New Year's?

Honestly, what are you eating/drinking? Eating sweets or such has made me feel VERY crummy before, and the alcohol can make you feel sucky too... (drains vitamins/minerals from your body...)
Maybe you also have a food sensitivity, or a few? Wouldn't it be stupid to make something irreversible over a food sensitivity??
Maybe you might even have celiac or magnesium deficiency or something, which can be improved with different nutrition!

Christmas/New Year's time is very stressful time for many people... Don't believe the 'happy commercials' on TV!! Most suicides happen around that time, for a reason!!

So your life is not perfect....? What does that make you? Unique!
And that's a big PLUS for a filmmaker!!

You're young.. You're Latino... (if I read it right??) That probably makes you very sexy!! (Or there may be a pressure to be 'hot' but you can defy all cliches and be unique too!!)

Is Danny deVito 'hot'? Is Enrique Iglesias 'hot'?
Okay, there are people who think Brad Pitt and George Clooney are 'hot', but I think they're ugly as hell!! Never saw what others saw in them??

Beauty is very individual!!!! It sounds like you might have BDD, wanna look up on it...

What is the point? I am never gonna be happy, because i am never satisfied.

Okay, this is a wrong assumption. I've made it before too, when I was in a miserable job I hated. Guess what? Cousin and I started going for walk/jogs and ranted about life on the way, and soon things went better - for moments first, then for longer...

I've made progress with my social anxiety. I've gone to a couple of parties, made acquaintances, actually managed to hold conversations with girls, taken an acting class for gods sake. Things that a year ago I would have never even had dreamt of doing, and i am still about as miserable as i was back then.

YAY for you!! You've beat things before and you will again!!

I really recommend reading a book on ACT - forgot the exact title, it's on the forum somewhere. The Happiness Trap, I think!

The commercials & media have brainwashed us that we need to be 'happy' all the time. It's simply unrealistic. Sometimes the greatest achievements come from a feeling of deep dissatisfaction.
You don't need to be 'happy' to make great things happen!!

I missed out on my adolescence, cant turn back time.

You're right about this, you can make up for it in your future though. You're still VERY young!!

I am ugly, cant change that.

Again, Danny deVito??? You may think you're ugly, others may think you're hot! Some of the most beautiful people on this forum and in real life have troubles with self-image!! If anything, you might want to change your 'self-improvement mantra'!!
And you can change some aspects of how you look, totally!!
Other aspects are what makes you truly unique... What kind of films could we make if everybody looked like David Haselhoff and Pamela Anderson?? And I mean everybody-??

I hate everything about me, from my personality, to the color of my skin, to my smile.

Well, even if you hate yourself right now, you can still be a great person, or become one.

Part of me wants to reach out for help, part of me is scared and worries about my family and what it would do to them. I am a coward because i want the easy way out, and i am a coward, because i am to afraid to do it.

It's natural self-preservation, honey!! It's GOOD that you are caring enough to think of your family.. Yup, they would be devastated.. We'd be miserable about it too..

So hang on!! The world needs more good films!! (There's some really bad crap on TV and in theatres these days...!!) Maybe new generations like yours can turn it around??

Even if you end up doing something else for money, in addition to doing what you love, you can change people's lives with good films, you know!! (You can change people's lives with bad films too, if thought-provoking ideas are explored in a cool and fun new way, or playing with cliches etc!!)

I read about Russel Brand the other day, and he was hugely messed up and obese as a kid too.. He seems quite successful now??

 

[Pacific_Loner]

What is the point? I am never gonna be happy, because i am never satisfied.

Maybe you need to learn to be satisfied with who you are and what you have?
Once you did, you may learn to like yourself, and from there, everything should be alright.

 

[JamesSmith]

Your accomplishments may have been harder to achieve than people without social anxiety so that's something to be happy about. I've been where you are and had a talk with myself. I realized that I can't predict the future, which is what people that commit suicide think they can do. The reason someone commits suicide is because they think things will never change for them, which is impossible to predict because life is long enough to have the opportunity for change. We aren't psychics, so suicide is assuming know something that you can't possibly know. You might as well not give up and live the rest of your life out to prove a point. That would be better than dying now and never knowing what could have been.

 

[Bustn Justin]

Well by posting how you feel for us to see shows that you want to get help.

I have suicidal thoughts from time to time but I am focusing on my accomplishments with having SA. It does take more effort for me to get to where I am but proud I have.

 

[alejandro84]

I'm sitting here with a plan set, and figuring out when to get the things i need to actually go through with doing this and i am scared out of my mind.
I've felt suicidal in the past, but never have i come this far with actual planing, i've never even started before. it has always been just thoughts.
What is the point? I am never gonna be happy, because i am never satisfied.
I've made progress with my social anxiety. I've gone to a couple of parties, made acquaintances, actually managed to hold conversations with girls, taken an acting class for gods sake. Things that a year ago I would have never even had dreamt of doing, and i am still about as miserable as i was back then.
I missed out on my adolescence, cant turn back time. I am ugly, cant change that. I hate everything about me, from my personality, to the color of my skin, to my smile.
Part of me wants to reach out for help, part of me is scared and worries about my family and what it would do to them. I am a coward because i want the easy way out, and i am a coward, because i am to afraid to do it.

DONT do it!!!! keep talking on here or talk to Samaritans.

 

[sunboy400]

I can totally relate to what you are going through.I'v felt that way and sometime still feel the same way but the hope of a better tomorrow keeps me going.You should learn to appreciate yourself a lot more and give yourself some credit and keep living for the hope of a better tomorrow.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Hi ~

I hope you're feeling less yucky today. I know how you feel if that helps at all and you can always message me if you need a friend. I definitely think the winter holidays make people feel worse.
That's the case for me at least I have been in the same boat as of late, thinking my lifes a friggin wasted joke...nothing to live for etc...another yr gone by and not a thing to show.
Try to stay strong. Have hope and keep at that dream of yours, make it a priority.
Listen to Feathers, i think she gives the best words on here.
we have all been there at one time so we all understand and you're brave to put this thread up, you obviously are trying to reach out for help to feel better that's a great step in the right direction.
Take care now

 

[JamesSmith]

I keep thinking of this one friend. well not really friend more of an acquaintance.
He has pretty much the life i want. He is attractive, in shape, he is white and tall. he is talkative, he can have the whole room listening to whatever stories or opinions he has to say. He can get any girl he wants, he is a more talented filmmaker than i'll ever be.
He parties alot and has many friends, but most of all he is happy. *sigh*
I can learn from him, i still do not know why he considers me a friend, but i am envious whenever i am around him. I am always gonna be wishing i had the life he has had and is having. The jealousy and envy are never gonna stop.
Even if i do get better, my past is still there, mocking me. Death sounds so enticing. Why not bring an end to it all. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

It sounds like that guy was very blessed in many aspects of life. What you may be failing to recognize is your acquaintance is genetically born into an outgoing gene, most people in the world are outgoing. It sounds like he's a great talker, which is also something someone just has. Don't beat yourself up cuz your friend is luckier than you are. Believe me, if you were blessed with all of his traits, you'd be a lot like him. You say he can get any woman he wants, that may sound like a plus, but that can be a downfall. Guys that get with a bunch of different women can struggle when it comes to marriage because they are not accustomed to being with just one woman for a long time. 96% of people get married, so he will have to deal with that eventually.

But as for you, you can't control the whole world, and there will be many people like your friend that have it easier than a person with Social Anxiety. There is nothing you can do about that, but you can change you, and you can try to be the happiest that you can be. Just because you have Social Anxiety doesn't mean you can't be happy like he is. I think you may be dependent on getting women, having lots of money, and having lots of friends. You don't need tons of these things. No woman or one woman, some money and some friends works just fine.

 

[theslowesthand]

I think you may be "blinded" by this fellow's supposed "blessings". So much so, that comparing yourself to him, your life "pales" in comparison. But that's only due to the bright-light-after-effect. When you stare at a bright light for a while, then look back into normal light, other things APPEAR dark/empty, but is not, far from.

The problem is not so much him, but your own reactions to the things that he "has". Jealousy/envy are hard things to overcome, but i have found one really good method for combatting them - remove self from the triggers (being constantly reminded).

but most of all he is happy

You don't know how (or if) happy he is. It might all be just a very convincing "front".

I can learn from him

Yes, you can, but maybe not in the ways you are thinking you can? (ie maybe not just from his obvious/overt aspects, eg lifestyle)

Even if i do get better, my past is still there, mocking me

You can't change what HAPPENED in your past, but you can change how you PERCEIVE your past. The LATTER is the more important one. Both you and he have only got PERCEPTIONS of the past, not the past itself.

Death sounds so enticing. Why not bring an end to it all. I don't want to feel like this anymore

I know it's a challenging thing to do, but to "feel better", it all starts & ends with YOUR THINKING, nothing else. As my mother kept telling me "You are your own worst enemy". It might seem impossible, but believe me, it is VERY POSSIBLE.
And death, well that has many plausable possibilities. One such possibility (which i believe in) is that you never really "die", just "change form". That is, the death is only of your body, and so your mind/consciousness (& maybe personality) is "still there". Which basically means that any problems/bad-feelings that you "leave behind" on earth, you will STILL suffer from after body-death. So death might not be the "escape" we tend to think of.

 

[JamesSmith]

What exactly are you expecting to accomplish by killing yourself?

 

[JamesSmith]

not having to deal with this anymore. im rather tired of life.

There is nothing you enjoy about life?

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm sitting here with a plan set, and figuring out when to get the things i need to actually go through with doing this and i am scared out of my mind.
I've felt suicidal in the past, but never have i come this far with actual planing, i've never even started before. it has always been just thoughts.
What is the point? I am never gonna be happy, because i am never satisfied.
I've made progress with my social anxiety. I've gone to a couple of parties, made acquaintances, actually managed to hold conversations with girls, taken an acting class for gods sake. Things that a year ago I would have never even had dreamt of doing, and i am still about as miserable as i was back then.
I missed out on my adolescence, cant turn back time. I am ugly, cant change that. I hate everything about me, from my personality, to the color of my skin, to my smile.
Part of me wants to reach out for help, part of me is scared and worries about my family and what it would do to them. I am a coward because i want the easy way out, and i am a coward, because i am to afraid to do it.

Please don't go through with it. I know pain can really get to us sometimes, and to the point where we don't even want to deal with it anymore, but you just have to hang in there. I doubt that you'll always be miserable. Heck, maybe by this time next year you'll be really happy, have improved even more with your SA. You never know unless you keep up the work. You also shouldn't hate everything about yourself. I know it's hard to not compare yourself to other people (Everyone does this at some point), but it really just makes things worse. You are your own person, and there's always something to love. Even if you don't see it, other people do.

 

[JamesSmith]

I've spent most of my life depressed and say than happy. Matter of fact, i am rarely happy.

Well yeah, most of us on here have a similar story. We've dealt with depression for a while. The way I look at it is most religions besides atheism believe in an afterlife and a God, so it doesn't make sense that God would put you into this world just so you can give up and take your own life. Now let's say you don't believe in God. Well then you believe when you die you will have eternal nothingness. So you are choosing nothingness forever over life? At least life has some enjoyment even if it's small. It depends on your belief, but any way you slice it, suicide doesn't make sense to me.

 

[JamesSmith]

Not a religious person. Anyways, hopefully this will be my last day on the site, take that as you will. It was nice chatting with some of you.
*sigh* Maybe I am an attention seeker for posting this thread, but I have no one else to talk to. Friends always change the way they treat you when you tell them your real problems, which is why I enjoyed talking to strangers best. Maybe if I was attractive, it'd be easier to make acquaintances in person.

With men, looks are overrated. Even if you look like Brad Pitt, and never go out, your looks are meaningless. In most cases the only thing a guy uses his looks for is to help himself get women. I've gone to a bunch of parties before and I'm not a bad looking guy, yet I've never been approached by a woman. Oh wait, there was one time out of like 70 parties where a girl approached me, but of course it was a girl i already knew and she had a boyfriend. A man is usually invisible to women if he doesn't start conversations with women no matter what he looks like. And no, my semi-attractiveness hasn't helped my confidence to go up and talk to girls at all. In my group of friends I was always the shy one who the girls never talked to. Looks don't just give a socially anxious person confidence is the gist of what i'm trying to explain.

There was nothing wrong with you starting this thread. You were just being open and honest about how you were feeling instead of bottling it up. I hope you aren't planning on hurting yourself, you sound like a good human being.

 

[Remus]

DONT do it!!!! keep talking on here or talk to Samaritans.

I'd recomend the samaritans too, make the call