Some very basic dating tips for guys

[Pookah]

I appreciate Felgen addressing the blame of women in general for an individual's dating problems. It is not helpful and often a cop-out.

However, I'm pretty sure getting laid easily isn't on the to do list of as many women and as such dating is equally hard if you are looking for serious companionship.

 

[Lost Girl]

Wow, you don't belong here, you sound like a preppy stuck up shallow bitch.

I don't know who you were talking to, but I have a HUGE problem with you saying that in any case.

If people had confidence, they wouldn't have social anxiety.

If people weren't obese, they wouldn't have social anxiety, most likely.

If people had a job, and an education, it's possible they wouldn't have social anxiety.

If people looked good, it's likely they wouldn't have social anxiety.

^ Wrong.

 

[coyote]

I appreciate Felgen addressing the blame of women in general for an individual's dating problems. It is not helpful and often a cop-out.

However, I'm pretty sure getting laid easily isn't on the to do list of as many women and as such dating is equally hard if you are looking for serious companionship.

I agree completely! Thanks, Pookah.

As I said before - it all comes down to meeting and hanging out with people who share your interests.

If you are a guy who is interested in fast, cheap, easy sex with slutty girls, then - by all means - hang out with some girls who are into the same thing, and you'll be happy.

But if you're NOT - don't think you're going to be successful in meeting the type of women you want to date by pretending that you ARE that kind of guy or by going to the places where that's the only girls you'll meet.

Like seafolly said - most solid relationships develop from chance encounters.

With whom and/or where would you rather take your chances?

 

[Ericisme]

The original poster? Rather presumptuous of you to decide who does and doesn't belong here, don't you think?

Right, confidence is relevant, though social anxiety and lack of confidence are hardly the same thing. That would be oversimplifying.

I've known obese people with plenty of confidence.

I have an education and I've had jobs before. Neither cured me of my brain problems.

Lots of people are hot and still have social anxiety--your statement I said was incorrect was not one about thinking you don't look good.

It's not just about confidence in any event. Really.

Also presumptuous of you to assume that shyness is what most people have here.

Yea, origional poster.

"most likely" , "it's possible" , "it's likely" Meaning, it's possible or likely that something or another will happen. I never said it DOES go like this and like that.

Try using the internet, you'll see why I said what I said. I heard of this thing called the google, very helpful. That is if you didn't know such and such already.

I polled another site like this, has even more people than this site daily, and that site is... socialanxietysupport or something, SAS, yea, that's it. Very few are actual social phobics, trust me.

Depression comes with social anxiety for half of the sufferers, so saying things like what she said, is just insulting to so many people.

I gotta be confident? ='[ But I don't know how to be
I gotta lose weight? I hate myself more now.
A job? But I don't know how to socialize at all, how could I do an interview, omgggg.

People with depression think negatively, but I guess that's just how I think, apparently.

I'm done sharing now.

 

[Hellhound]

Wow, you don't belong here, you sound like a preppy stuck up shallow bitch.

Just because you don't agree with someone it doesn't mean you have to insult them.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Try using the internet, you'll see why I said what I said. I heard of this thing called the google, very helpful. That is if you didn't know such and such already.

Bitter much? And Felgen is a dude, btw.

 

[coyote]

Yea, origional poster.

"most likely" , "it's possible" , "it's likely" Meaning, it's possible or likely that something or another will happen. I never said it DOES go like this and like that.

Try using the internet, you'll see why I said what I said. I heard of this thing called the google, very helpful. That is if you didn't know such and such already.

I polled another site like this, has even more people than this site daily, and that site is... socialanxietysupport or something, SAS, yea, that's it. Very few are actual social phobics, trust me.

Depression comes with social anxiety for half of the sufferers, so saying things like what she said, is just insulting to so many people.

I gotta be confident? ='[ But I don't know how to be
I gotta lose weight? I hate myself more now.
A job? But I don't know how to socialize at all, how could I do an interview, omgggg.

People with depression think negatively, but I guess that's just how I think, apparently.

I'm done sharing now.

Right!

So the point is this - if you are Social Phobicky, and you are bummed because you are having trouble hooking up with the opposite sex - don't think that following some PickUp Artist bullcrap is gonna get you a relationship.

What you need to do is work on overcoming your SA in general.

The rest will follow.

 

[Hellhound]

Finally, don't be afraid to give the cute, slightly chubby girl a chance. If a person is 20 lbs overweight, it doesn't make them less attractive.

Mature women aren't attracted to a-holes. Some immature ones fall for "wannabe gangsters" because the media tells them that they're "cool", but most mature women actually like friendly guys

Agreed with this part.

The best way I have found to meet women - is to stop trying to "meet women."

Just go on about your life - do the things you are interested in, go to the places you are interested in going.

Meet people with similar interests and similar outlooks on life.

Talk to them, connect on a personal level, share your interests - in other words, "make friends" with them.

Some of them are likely to be women.

Ask them if they'd like to spend more time with you doing stuff you both like to do - that's called "dating."

Communicate openly and honestly - don't play games.



Really - it's that simple - no need to make it any more complicated. I know that for many of us, just getting out and doing anything is hard enough.

Take your time - you've got your whole life ahead of you. There is no schedule to follow. There is no prize for first place.

Have fun. Otherwise, what's the point?

Agreed 100%

 

[spect01]

"it will happen when you least expect it"
"you're still young"
"go meet people"
"you just haven't met them yet"
"let love find you, don't look"

These sayings do not apply to guys. Do not "wait till love finds you". If you still believe these overhyped lines, just ask the guys out there that are in their 40's and still a virgin and still haven't had a date and a relationship if you need proof. If us guys want to get a girlfriend we have to put in the effort. No girl will fall in your lap from the sky. You don't go anywhere "no social life". This might happen but it's rare and only the high status guys are rewarded with it. If a guy has SA this rare event is pretty much non-existant. These are only true with girls because girls don't have to do anything to find love. Doesn't matter what you look like or if you're shy or education or financial status or anything. There will always be a guy around the corner for you. If you are still alone, it's probably because you refuse to put yourself out there or you have unrealistic standards and you are rejecting every guy you meet. PUA is BS as well.

Working on your SA so you have a social life and friends and can talk and hold conversations is the best place to start. Once you have your SA under control you should look for ways to make yourself happier and make you confident, whatever it takes. Your looks, social life, friends, people skills, job, etc. You can't do it all in one day either, remember that. It could take months and years. Best to start as soon as you can rather then wait. Face your fears, take that first step. I've already made some progress with my SA, by forcing myself to be outgoing. It takes a long time, I won't deny that. I'm nowhere near to being a normal guy yet but I'm getting there... you only live once so if you encounter your fear face to face just say "screw it, here I go".

The best way I have found to meet women - is to stop trying to "meet women."

Just go on about your life - do the things you are interested in, go to the places you are interested in going.

Meet people with similar interests and similar outlooks on life.

Talk to them, connect on a personal level, share your interests - in other words, "make friends" with them.

Some of them are likely to be women.

Ask them if they'd like to spend more time with you doing stuff you both like to do - that's called "dating."

Communicate openly and honestly - don't play games.



Really - it's that simple - no need to make it any more complicated. I know that for many of us, just getting out and doing anything is hard enough.

Take your time - you've got your whole life ahead of you. There is no schedule to follow. There is no prize for first place.

Have fun. Otherwise, what's the point?

So in other words we shouldn't take action? Doing that will only ruin your chances and you'll really be alone forever..

 

[BlueDays]

......................

 

[Tiercel]

Ah, again I'm reminded of why I prefer my guitars to humans.

Honestly, I just don't want to throw any gasoline on these fires. And I'm afraid that if I resorted to the type of humor I usually use, that's exactly what I'd be doing.

So guitars with female names it is!

 

[Remus]

infraction given for personal attack, lets get back on topic please

 

[Felgen]

"it will happen when you least expect it"
"you're still young"
"go meet people"
"you just haven't met them yet"
"let love find you, don't look"

These sayings do not apply to guys. Do not "wait till love finds you". If you still believe these overhyped lines, just ask the guys out there that are in their 40's and still a virgin and still haven't had a date and a relationship if you need proof. If us guys want to get a girlfriend we have to put in the effort. No girl will fall in your lap from the sky. You don't go anywhere "no social life". This might happen but it's rare and only the high status guys are rewarded with it. If a guy has SA this rare event is pretty much non-existant. These are only true with girls because girls don't have to do anything to find love. Doesn't matter what you look like or if you're shy or education or financial status or anything. There will always be a guy around the corner for you. If you are still alone, it's probably because you refuse to put yourself out there or you have unrealistic standards and you are rejecting every guy you meet. PUA is BS as well.

While it's true that women have an easier role in dating than men (eg. that they do not need to make a move, do not need to spend lots of money on dates and so on), they still need to get themselves out there and make themselves available, which is hard when you have social anxiety. A handsome prince isn't going to just suddenly knock her door.

 

[AGR]

Thanks for the tips,my problem is that the only girls who were interested in me in the past were the wrong ones,like cheaters,had a partner,party animal, dubious character,seems like I can never find a nice girl around here and in the rare time I do,she is taken........

 

[Luke1993]

The best way I have found to meet women - is to stop trying to "meet women."

Just go on about your life - do the things you are interested in, go to the places you are interested in going.

I fear that if I do this, nobody will show any interest in me. I'm not really special in any way so should I try to find someone? Would I have better chances if I try to be the "instigator"?

 

[spect01]

You have to put in effort. Don't wait around.

 

[Lionheart]

I get in panic if a good looking girl is sitting in front of me in a bus...most of the time i try to ignor them but they can see that something is wrong and if they see it you get even more in panic.

 

[Nicholas]

These are usually the kinds of threads that bother me, because they are FULL of stereotypes and generalizations, and everybody knows them already.
It's the same old advice that says you should be like all the others, and look good like all the others, have a job like all the others, do what all the others do, meet girls and date them at random just hoping to get laid like the others do, and so on. Well, if we were like all the others, we wouldn't be here, because we wouldn't have the problems we have. It that really so difficult to understand?
Also, think about it: if we did what every other guy already does to "look good", we would be like all the others... and why would a girl choose us then, rather than someone else? If I get a good job, become confident, buy a corvette, etc., then why should a girl choose me, and not another random guy with a good job, confident, with a corvette, etc.?

I liked this post, and I agree:

The best way I have found to meet women - is to stop trying to "meet women."

Just go on about your life - do the things you are interested in, go to the places you are interested in going.

Meet people with similar interests and similar outlooks on life.

Talk to them, connect on a personal level, share your interests - in other words, "make friends" with them.

Some of them are likely to be women.

Ask them if they'd like to spend more time with you doing stuff you both like to do - that's called "dating."

Communicate openly and honestly - don't play games.



Really - it's that simple - no need to make it any more complicated. I know that for many of us, just getting out and doing anything is hard enough.

Take your time - you've got your whole life ahead of you. There is no schedule to follow. There is no prize for first place.

Have fun. Otherwise, what's the point?

But like someone else replied in another post, just because you do that, doesn't mean you will soon meet the right girl for you. And so the issue seems to be much more complicated than it seems... And this post explains why it is complicated:

I struggle with this. One of my closest friends is always asking me how the heck to find a girl. He's had one girlfriend in the entire eight years I've known him and he says she was his first serious relationship...and he really didn't seem all that smitten to be honest. There is nothing wrong with him. He's cute, plays sports, is working on a PhD in nanometallics (or something), and best of all he's friendly and kind. He's looking for a long term relationship, someone to dote on. On paper, he's perfect. I've narrowed the trouble down to two things. Number one, he never picks the right ones. Too often they already have boyfriends, or they aren't people with strong morals (cheaters ahoy!). A few times he's found good people but it's the wrong situation (exchange student who's only around for a few months). So here I'll point out being at the right place at the right time (in other words, luck) comes into play.

The biggest issue? He reeks of desperation. I wish I could break it down further but the guy wants a girlfriend so badly it really does show. In the past year or so he's calmed down a little, dropped the whole, "I'm never going to get a girlfriend!" rant, and girls are starting to take notice of him. I'm sure you've gotten to the end of this post wondering how this was remotely helpful but please don't blame your SA. The only guys I ever truly notice in a bar are those who don't have a giant ego and I can sense they're a tiny bit nervous. It takes guts to just walk up to someone! Or a bit of alcohol. But either way, the ones who act like it's a privilege to be in their presence are sunk. Not that I think anyone here does that but it's worth saying.

I really think a lot of it boils down to luck. When you ask a happy couple how they met (aside from the internet) it's often a situation based on sheer chance. Or they took a leap and went on a blind date set up by a friend. These factors can't be controlled. So I'd say keep putting yourself out there, you'll never know who you find. Yes, be confident, but keep it in check.

Exactly. Those who get rejected a lot just choose the wrong types of girls: they have nothing in common, they have different beliefs, different personalities, etc. Like Seafolly said, in the end it all boils down to good luck, especially for us who are "different" from the average people because of our problems and personalities. I'm only worried because I am aware of all this, and I'm afraid I'll never meet the right type of girl, because I know myself and I'm aware the probability is very very small (and actually non-existent at the moment). Wrong place, wrong time, wrong choice, bad coincidences, and you can very easily miss the chance to meet someone really special, or get to know them better.
"You'll meet the right girl when you stop looking for one" is actually an inaccurate way of saying the truth, which is "You might meet the right girl when you stop looking for the ones that are not compatible with you", which is a specific version of a more general truth, "You might find what you need when you actually know what you are looking for". The only thing I'm uncomfortable with is that "might" though.

 

[Felgen]

Also, think about it: if we did what every other guy already does to "look good", we would be like all the others... and why would a girl choose us then, rather than someone else? If I get a good job, become confident, buy a corvette, etc., then why should a girl choose me, and not another random guy with a good job, confident, with a corvette, etc.?

Why would she choose another random guy instead of you? Girls have different tastes; some prefer loud mouths, others prefer more quiet guys (as long as they're able to stand up for themselves).

 

[Aru_Sarutobi]

These are usually the kinds of threads that bother me, because they are FULL of stereotypes and generalizations, and everybody knows them already.
It's the same old advice that says you should be like all the others, and look good like all the others, have a job like all the others, do what all the others do, meet girls and date them at random just hoping to get laid like the others do, and so on. Well, if we were like all the others, we wouldn't be here, because we wouldn't have the problems we have. It that really so difficult to understand?
Also, think about it: if we did what every other guy already does to "look good", we would be like all the others... and why would a girl choose us then, rather than someone else? If I get a good job, become confident, buy a corvette, etc., then why should a girl choose me, and not another random guy with a good job, confident, with a corvette, etc.?

I liked this post, and I agree:


But like someone else replied in another post, just because you do that, doesn't mean you will soon meet the right girl for you. And so the issue seems to be much more complicated than it seems... And this post explains why it is complicated:



Exactly. Those who get rejected a lot just choose the wrong types of girls: they have nothing in common, they have different beliefs, different personalities, etc. Like Seafolly said, in the end it all boils down to good luck, especially for us who are "different" from the average people because of our problems and personalities. I'm only worried because I am aware of all this, and I'm afraid I'll never meet the right type of girl, because I know myself and I'm aware the probability is very very small (and actually non-existent at the moment). Wrong place, wrong time, wrong choice, bad coincidences, and you can very easily miss the chance to meet someone really special, or get to know them better.
"You'll meet the right girl when you stop looking for one" is actually an inaccurate way of saying the truth, which is "You might meet the right girl when you stop looking for the ones that are not compatible with you", which is a specific version of a more general truth, "You might find what you need when you actually know what you are looking for". The only thing I'm uncomfortable with is that "might" though.

I agree with that