I was just thinking that I'm way more gone than you guys, I mean as far as caring about being alone and having/wanting any friends. I was where most of you are years ago and it was hell, but these days I've pretty much accepted I'll always be alone and can't live with people because I can only take it for a little bit of time, and even when my ex and daughter came for a few weeks, I knew they'd be gone soon(don't get me wrong, I wish I could be normal and around them and others always, but I can't and try not to think about it and accept it). I do get wicked depression though because I know nothing will ever change inside myself no matter what changes in the world around me. I'll always have suicide thoughts, always did, but I usually just cut myself when that happens and only a few times that went far enough to nick the artery in my wrist, but after bleeding a bit I'd been able to curl my wrist in for a few hours and it would stop. Not sure why I'm even writing this, it was just what I was thinking. I have to wait until next June to have my daughter for the summer and my family lives in NY, so I won't see anyone for a long time here. The worst part about it is that I've had 20 years go by in a heartbeat. Doing the same thing w/out memories to insert into the time slots of all those years makes it like you just look in the mirror one day and realize so much time's gone by, you finally notice how much you've aged and it feels like you wasted all that time, as if it should've been yesterday. That's probably the worst part about it if you guys don't get help with your social issues. That's when you really start thinking your life is worthless and you've spent half of it without more than a handful of good memories to give the time wasted some substance. You guys/gals still have a chance. This IS my life now and I can't change who I am or how I feel after so long..., its all I know and I feel much less stress doing what I'm used to. That's OK though, I've accepted it. I did find this forum when I was looking on the internet to see if there were any research places doing studies in my area and I wanted to maybe get a brain scan b/c I never had, and I'm sure it will be different than normal. Didn't find any, oh wait(!), I found this forum after finding the phrase "Avoidence Personality Disorder" and said ,"wow, that sounds like me!", and I googled it and found the forum... Anyway, Don't be like me and never get help or you'll regret it~! Not sure how much I'll be here on the forum anymore though..., I think the thrill is gone..., anyway..., Just thinking..! I could look back at what I write hours or days from now and think, "what the hell was I thinking when I wrote that" also... Have done that alot in my life...
