Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

MsBuzzkillington

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
So I started chatting with a guy from okcupid a little bit. It has definitely been very clear from both sides that it is just a friends thing and nothing serious at all. So last night was the first time we decided a time where we could talk on messenger. I was really, really nervous. I hate the instant messages, I hate it.

So we get on the facebook chat and he asks a few questions and I am typing and as I am typing he is like "haha, what about books what are your favorite books?"
Movies?
What did you do today?
Tell me more about you!
What about some of yoru favorite bands! And restaurants!
I am glad we are finally talking on this!!!

Not exactly that but it was like rapid fire questions and statements. I'd say he sent about 4-5 before I could type a response. And in my mind I was like RUN AWAY NOOOOW. But instead I was like, listen this is really tough for me you need to slow down. I have avoided this for a long time and I am nervous and it just needs to be less pushy.

and he was like oh sorry! Are you sure you're okay with this?

and I was like yeah, sure no problem.

And then it was like are you sure? because we don't have to. If you aren't comfortable I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I am not a bad guy, promise!

yeah don't worry about it, I need to get through this. It really isn't too bad. It was just the really fast questions and I need to push myself to do this.

Then we chatted a bit and as the conversation was coming to a close he was like, if you think you can manage it how about we talk again tomorrow? I mean if you're okay with it! I don't want to push you! Are you sure you're okay with it? If you are nervous I don't want to make you do it!

I said yeah I am fine with it! Stop! really, I am cool the first time is the hardest no problem.

He said okay, but if you're sure! Are you sure, I don't want to make you uncomfortable a couple more times and finally went to bed.

Then today he sent a message and said we should chat again "If it isn't too painful for you! lol!"

I said, yeah sure, how about 8? and he said yes ma'am if you can bare it!

LIKE WTF, I said it was okay. I said to drop it. I said knock it off.WTF. Anymore of this and I am done, I can't handle it.

Why do people do this? WHY? Tell me why after I said I am okay I am fine I am cool with it does he STILL NEED to ask me if it is okay. WHY. I have said, clearly and straight forwardly that I am fine that I want to talk to him and that I am cool with it. I have told him to stop saying/asking if I am sure and okay. There is no miscommunication here about my feelings.

TIP: This is a "too nice" guy. This is smothering. This is what girls hate.
 
MsBuzzkillington

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
Remus said:
I got alarm bells at this point.
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yeah, alarm bells that he has zero self esteem.

Actually, thinking about it. It wasn't a direct quote from what he said. It was mostly just a gist of it. I don't think he actually said "I am a good guy, I swear!" I think it was just a lot of "are you sure? we don't have to. Are you sure? Are you okay? Are you sure!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
 
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KiaKaha

KiaKaha

Banned
coyote said:
i think alot of guys don't get this
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Yeah I think in Mzbuzz's example that is a bit much. Annoying. Pushy is pushy even if the intent is courteous - it's a shame though, because he probably has no idea how he is coming across. He will no doubt make the same mistake over and over again bumbling his way through life - unless that is some one is nice enough to let him know - in a conciliatory way.

tis' a shame though that some girls dont seem to be able to tell the difference between the good nice and the bad nice - neither way seems to be particularly helpful for they guy who is shy and amiable. Nice is often misunderstood for weak, but even then who would of thought that weakness and low self esteem is so unforgivable.

Lets expose the wound...get some fresh air in there...
 
9407

9407

Well-known member
Ugh, it's going to be a long day tomorrow. First I have to go to the walk in clinic at 9:00 in the morning to get this annoying post nasal drip under control, and then I have to spend 5 hours at the Salvation Army to get my volunteer hours to graduate high school.
 
M

Minty

Well-known member
I converted my window fan into a normal fan so I could play video games and stay cool. My dad freaked out. His argument is that it's a window fan, therefore it should be in a window. My argument is that my face is hot, therefore it should be in front of my face.

It seriously has no purpose otherwise. What good is blowing hot (and I mean hot, I live in california) air into a room? It only works at night. And he literally is not affected either way since it's in my room. Some people are so controlling, it's scary because it goes totally against my nature.
 
MsBuzzkillington

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
KiaKaha said:
Yeah I think in Mzbuzz's example that is a bit much. Annoying. Pushy is pushy even if the intent is courteous - it's a shame though, because he probably has no idea how he is coming across. He will no doubt make the same mistake over and over again bumbling his way through life - unless that is some one is nice enough to let him know - in a conciliatory way.

tis' a shame though that some girls dont seem to be able to tell the difference between the good nice and the bad nice - neither way seems to be particularly helpful for they guy who is shy and amiable. Nice is often misunderstood for weak, but even then who would of thought that weakness and low self esteem is so unforgivable.

Lets expose the wound...get some fresh air in there...
Click to expand...

What is the difference between good nice and bad nice? and how am I not able to tell the difference between the two.

(not talking directly to you) but how difficult is it to shut your mouth when I say I am fine? Like ask me once or twice (if you need to) if I am sure, if I am okay or whatever. But there is no need to push it further than that and many MANY guys do that. And these are the guys that constantly complain about getting hurt and being a nice guy and moaning and groaning that girls don't like nice guys. (Again, not referring to you just saying it happens a lot with these types).

I don't, under any circumstances see nice as weak, I see a person who asks me 100 times if I am sure or okay, as weak. And not really weak in the negative sense like, you suck! But weak in the sense that, that kind of "nice" is not the kind of nice like asking someone crying if they are okay. That isn't nice, that is overbearing. That is where the low self esteem comes in to play and becomes a negative... because they are just absolutely not positive or confident that everything is really okay and they don't have to do something. That they are doing things okay, they aren't doing anything wrong. They worry worry worry worry that they are doing something wrong.

and I am not saying that I hate them for it, that I think they are weak minded and not worth anything. But I am not going to want to be around a person like that because I just can't handle it. And I am not sure why it is a bad and awful thing because people don't want to be around it.
 
KiaKaha

KiaKaha

Banned
Being passive aggressive is not 'nice' either - manipulation etc is not what I am talking about. BTW MsBuzz - I am totally hearing you about that guy's behaviour... all I was suggesting is that he may not know how he is coming across... which is why people make so many mistakes.

I am just saying, things like being understanding, courtesy, being supportive, manners, tolerance, and patience and a gentle nature comes across or isinterpreted perhaps on a sub conscious level as weak. The true nice guy (not the manipulative passive aggressive type, not the overbearing nice guy that is pretending to be nice - but the ones with sincerity and sense) are viewed as weak and as doormats (even though they aren't) this is why the bad boy/jerk types get all the girls - it's because they are dominant, bold, mysterious, secure and strong - all traits that women find sexy and attractive.

At least in my experience - sorry but being told that someone is "too understanding" is not a great reason to be dumped, especially seeing the type of emotionally abusive drop kicks that continually have success.
 
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KiaKaha

KiaKaha

Banned
I find it interesting how peoples tastes, preferences and ideals are often shaped by ones misfortune and mistakes. Conditioned and learned. I wonder if people actually realize this.
 
Srijita52

Srijita52

Well-known member
MsBuzzkillington said:
So I started chatting with a guy from okcupid a little bit. It has definitely been very clear from both sides that it is just a friends thing and nothing serious at all. So last night was the first time we decided a time where we could talk on messenger. I was really, really nervous. I hate the instant messages, I hate it.

So we get on the facebook chat and he asks a few questions and I am typing and as I am typing he is like "haha, what about books what are your favorite books?"
Movies?
What did you do today?
Tell me more about you!
What about some of yoru favorite bands! And restaurants!
I am glad we are finally talking on this!!!

Not exactly that but it was like rapid fire questions and statements. I'd say he sent about 4-5 before I could type a response. And in my mind I was like RUN AWAY NOOOOW. But instead I was like, listen this is really tough for me you need to slow down. I have avoided this for a long time and I am nervous and it just needs to be less pushy.

and he was like oh sorry! Are you sure you're okay with this?

and I was like yeah, sure no problem.

And then it was like are you sure? because we don't have to. If you aren't comfortable I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I am not a bad guy, promise!

yeah don't worry about it, I need to get through this. It really isn't too bad. It was just the really fast questions and I need to push myself to do this.

Then we chatted a bit and as the conversation was coming to a close he was like, if you think you can manage it how about we talk again tomorrow? I mean if you're okay with it! I don't want to push you! Are you sure you're okay with it? If you are nervous I don't want to make you do it!

I said yeah I am fine with it! Stop! really, I am cool the first time is the hardest no problem.

He said okay, but if you're sure! Are you sure, I don't want to make you uncomfortable a couple more times and finally went to bed.

Then today he sent a message and said we should chat again "If it isn't too painful for you! lol!"

I said, yeah sure, how about 8? and he said yes ma'am if you can bare it!

LIKE WTF, I said it was okay. I said to drop it. I said knock it off.WTF. Anymore of this and I am done, I can't handle it.

Why do people do this? WHY? Tell me why after I said I am okay I am fine I am cool with it does he STILL NEED to ask me if it is okay. WHY. I have said, clearly and straight forwardly that I am fine that I want to talk to him and that I am cool with it. I have told him to stop saying/asking if I am sure and okay. There is no miscommunication here about my feelings.

TIP: This is a "too nice" guy. This is smothering. This is what girls hate.
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Ugh I've went through the same thing and its annoying. I mean its alright for a while but if the person keeps repeating the same thing over and over even after you said you were was okay, it can really get to you.
 
MsBuzzkillington

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
People do not WANT to be in an abusive relationship. There is 1000 million different negative emotions going on inside their head that causes them to stay.

They are scared to leave. They don't feel good enough. They fear the will never be loved by someone else. They feel like that is all they deserve. They feel worthless. On and on and on.

And seriously, you are in an abusive relationship with yourself. Every single day you beat yourself up and tell yourself that you aren't worth it and I don't see you or anyone else getting out of that one. You stay, so why is it so difficult to understand how someone could be stuck in an abusive relationship?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship once. He had me, he knew that I was weak, he knew I had no self esteem. He would pretty much build me up in thinking that I was lucky to have someone love me because I was such a horrible person no one else ever would. Too be honest the only way that I actually got away from that was because he broke it off with me, telling me I was the absolute worst person he had ever met and he regretted every talking to me or getting involved with me, worst mistake of his life. I wanted to apologize! I wanted to beg for forgiveness!

It wasn't I liked it, it wasn't because I wanted to stay. It was because I so desperately wanted someone to "care" about me that I figured that if only I acted right, said the right things, became a better person, didn't say rude things, and stopped screwing up I could be the right person for him and make him happy.

It is an absolute and total mind fck and I am sorry but I am sick and tired of you (and others) sitting there and being like "omg like girls suck because they love abusive relationships but hate nice guys!" There is so much more to it than that!

And I repeat, you are in an abusive relationship with yourself. Every single day you beat yourself up and tell yourself that you aren't worth it and I don't see you or anyone else getting out of that one. You stay in that mind set. You don't leave it behind, yet for some reason it baffles you as to why girls stay in abusive relationships.

You= is a vague term too, not saying you you necessarily.

There is such a thing as too understanding. That is the type of behavior that allows people to fall into abusive relationships. "Okay, it's okay that you didn't call me back last night." "It's okay that you forgot about our date" "It's okay that you cheated on me, I forgive you"

And if someone doesn't want that, it isn't stupid they'd rather have someone call them on their BS when they are acting rude and treating them poorly.


Also, I guess if you want to consider beating someone down to a pulp emotionally, physically and sexually so bad they can't find the strength to leave, and if they do leave to be emotionally scarred for years and years a success then I don't really want to know what you consider a failure.
sorry. /end rant
 
KiaKaha

KiaKaha

Banned
They are scared to leave. They don't feel good enough. They fear the will never be loved by someone else. They feel like that is all they deserve. They feel worthless. On and on and on.
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I agree - but what I find interesting is why that seems more attractive than someone who actually cares about their feelings and treats them with respect. It's like the lesser of two evils. Both unattractive but the behaviour where you get treated like dirt wins over every time - and truly, just like how you get frustrated and dont sympathize with people who dont see the bright side of life, I get unsympathetic (to an extent) to women who constantly put themselves in abusive relationships. Yes - I am baffled, it is completely counter intuitive to what one would expect... do you not agree? Can you not see it from my point of view?

It wasn't I liked it, it wasn't because I wanted to stay. It was because I so desperately wanted someone to "care" about me that I figured that if only I acted right, said the right things, became a better person, didn't say rude things, and stopped screwing up I could be the right person for him and make him happy.
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Do you realize that there are millions of men who you could have chosen from where you did not need to put yourself through that anguish. Who would have quite happily accepted you for you, flaws and everything. Yet in your example you focused so heavily on making this one jerk off happy. Why. Explain it to me.

It is an absolute and total mind fck and I am sorry but I am sick and tired of you (and others) sitting there and being like "omg like girls suck because they love abusive relationships but hate nice guys!" There is so much more to it than that!
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Well look - do you know why this argument comes up on this forum again and again and again (and elsewhere too) it's because its what we observe, just like everything else in life. What other conclusions is one supposed to draw? Don't think for a second that when a man questions a females decisions that he is 'attacking' women (at least I'm not) - perhaps an honest discussion is needed...one without this feeling of perceived resentment and defensive response to the assertions being put forth. Maybe then - just for once - we could figure it out. Girls dont suck at all - I love women. Seriously. When you see females going out with guys who constantly dominate and treat them like dirt - while other guys who are actually considerate and supportive get left behind - then what is it that I am missing? I have theories - which I will keep to myself - for obvious reasons - although boy I sure would love to know if I there is some truth to them.
There is such a thing as too understanding. That is the type of behavior that allows people to fall into abusive relationships. "Okay, it's okay that you didn't call me back last night." "It's okay that you forgot about our date" "It's okay that you cheated on me, I forgive you"
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Sorry I dont understand and I find this reasoning to be exceptionally weak. How is this in anyway bad? How can one be too understanding? Does it get under your skin and is kinda irritating? Too much of a doormat? Not enough of a challenge? is it "if he is this nice to me, he is this nice to everyone therefore how on earth is he supposed to protect me" or is it perhaps actually just being concerned for the person he cares about. OK actually in those specific examples - yes that is being a doormat, but there still needs to be a medium that should be acknowledged.

In your original post - I totally get where you are coming from. That would bug the hell out of me too.

I dont know man. Who knows.
 
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N

Nathália

Well-known member
I actually agree with Ms Buzzkillington, because I read what was being said and I deeply saw myself in it.

If a person is too understanding the way the abuser wants them to be because they know they're in the wrong a person tries to use that as an advantage.

I'm sorry too, S***! Don't ever ask people to be that way with you even if you are with new person and you're not an abusive person.

Every relationship should build trust and not be automatic! Don't give that " I'm a good person bull crap excuse, you work on growing and respect your partner! Don't expect someone to fly off a whim and be blind for you, that's a big delusion. Where the hell are people getting this s**t from? Close the romance novels, boo hoo flicks and shut down the cliches of where someone fall back into your arms with their eyes closed. That's not how it works! You need structure.
 
Srijita52

Srijita52

Well-known member
Beleza said:
I actually agree with Ms Buzzkillington, because I read what was being said and I deeply saw myself in it.

If a person is too understanding the way the abuser wants them to be because they know they're in the wrong a person tries to use that as an advantage.

I'm sorry too, S***! Don't ever ask people to be that way with you even if you are with new person and you're not an abusive person.

Every relationship should build trust and not be automatic! Don't give that " I'm a good person bull crap excuse, you work on growing and respect your partner! Don't expect someone to fly off a whim and be blind for you, that's a big delusion. Where the hell are people getting this s**t from? Close the romance novels, boo hoo flicks and shut down the cliches of where someone fall back into your arms with their eyes closed. That's not how it works! You need structure.
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I agree with it.
 
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