People Who Don't Play Well With Others....

[Sinar_Matahari]

In the past, I've written about how my not being social is sometimes unrelated to my social anxiety. Lately, this is very much the case. Let me explain...

There is a reason why I do not work well with people at times. I like to focus on my work and complete it in a timely and precise fashion. This means that I don't want to sit around chit chatting when I have nothing to say to a person. Now, I can talk and do my work at the same time, but not when my work requires attention. I'll have someone standing in front of me expecting me to talk to them about some BS when I have things to do.

I know that sometimes a "Good morning. How are you?" means a lot to someone. That's fine and it doesn't cost much to say it, but I feel that sometimes people say and do things on auto pilot and sometimes I just don't feel like talking. How many times have you been asked "How are you?" while the person walks right past without waiting or caring for an answer? How many times have you done it to people? I know I have, and I really don't want to be like that. If I ask a question, I want to actually care enough to ask it in the first place. Otherwise what is the point? People are talking and interacting just for the sake of it. If my boss walks up to me first thing in the morning and asks me to do something without even greeting me, I'm not going to be hurt or offended.

There are times when a person is too busy, in a hurry or too tired to have to explain things in detail. The place I work is currently transitioning to another location so we've been doing training and visiting the new location. Some people have already begun to work there. After yesterday's training, a co-worker asks our group whether we would like a tour of the new place. I say, "Well, we were just leaving". I guess I didn't say it with a cheery smile and I wasn't hopping up and down out of pure joy so one of my co-workers, which I can tell is threatened and trying to compete with me, had this horrified look on her face and quickly turned to the guy and said, "Oh, no! We really have to go now, but thank you!". When she talks to people, she uses this phony, uber-sweet tone that is supposed to convey sweetness, but it sounds more fake to me. I hate how sometimes, in order to be social and in order to be around people, you have to behave in ways that are not genuine. If people weren't so hung up about being artificially nice, and overly social then maybe we could learn to accept each other for the way we truly are.

Anyway, I was already working on overtime, I still have things to complete at work before I clock out for the day, I have errands to run, a family to take care of and cook dinner for. Hell, I'm starving because we don't get a lunch break for the day because training is only four hours. They don't try to take into account that out of the total eight hours I've spent on the job, I'm going to be spending another two getting my work finished once training is over.

This is what I think is fair...if I have to make an effort to consider people's feelings and be "nice" (please do not mistake with "kind) when it does not come natural to me, then people ought to make the effort to consider the fact that I may not be feeling like a thuper, duper happy camper. I'm not being cruel in any way, I'm just not jumping through hoops to be uber friendly. I am sweet, and social and I try to be helpful when I can. This is most of the time. I think as a human, I'm allowed to not smile once or twice out of the day. There are times when I do make the effort to be "approachable" and social when I don't feel like it. So if people are going to be ass-hurt because I don't smile once out of my day then they can....I know that some of you may be thinking, "God! What a b****!", but I can assure you that I wouldn't even be making this an issue if I didn't care about other people's feelings.


Let me not get started on the "bonding exercise" we had to do before our training. We can take fifteen minutes to say our name (to people who already know us) and tell them something about ourselves which they don't know, but we'd like them to know about us (which is nothing in my case). But we can't take fifteen minutes to get something to eat.... I just want to get in there and do what I have to do and get the hell out. Some bantering here and there in between is fine, of course. I hate being rushed, then having things delayed and then the same people who rush and delay act like we have all the time in the world to "get to know each other".

For those of you who actually read this, God bless you for your patience. It is appreciated. Please feel free to state your honest opinions. If you think I'm being a big meanie then please say so. Your honesty will be appreciated. If you suck up and agree with me, however, I will make sure to let you get away with future infractions.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Isn't this against the rules?

Not if you cater to my ego it's not. :: Is that the only part you read? lol

 

[fitftw]

I don't like talking to acquaintances/coworkers/bosses/anyone with the power to **** me over if I'm not social with them.

 

[fitftw]

I think having a job is hell. How are people happy at work? Wouldn't they rather be doing something else? When I had a job, all I could think about was going home to sit in my room and watch TV.

 

[userremoved]

I think they may be getting hurt for two reasons. One you're the new girl so they have yet to figure out your personality. Since they don't know you they can only make assumptions and some of those assumptions could be "Because she's not smiling she's angry" or "If she doesn't talk to me she must not like me". Two, I think that a lot of people expect women to be more friendly than men. If that was me working there they would probably just be like "Oh well, he's the strong and silent type" or some stupid crap.

I tend to be very serious minded when at school and I don't like to talk and joke around when there's group projects that need to be done so I can kinda understand where you're coming from. I'm pretty sure however, once everyone starts to figure you out they'll be less offended by your personality. Either that or they'll just hate you. ::

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Good Good! What an unfriendly group of people! Feels good, doesn't it? You know it does. Bask in it. Like it. Love it. Welcome to the darkside.

 

[JosephG]

Life is false! I find a fair few people I talk to are constantly acting whilst socialising. Perhaps being cheery when they feel tired, low and anxious. I find the difference between I and them is that I have no energy to act.

And yeah I totally got that "how are you" part of your post. I absolutely hate the amount of times in school I'll walk past someone in a corridor and they'll ask me how I am and when I reply they are already too far away to hear it. What's the point in asking the question in the first place?!

I hate people...
;p

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

fifteen minutes to say our name (to people who already know us) and tell them something about ourselves which they don't know, but we'd like them to know about us (which is nothing in my case). But we can't take fifteen minutes to get something to eat....

Crap on a cracker, they made you do a 'tell us about yourself' thing? I've despised those since I first encountered them in early grade school, and they never fail to horrify and freak me out when I'm new at work at they want me to do one.

 

[userremoved]

When I was in 6th grade my music teacher made us sing our names .Now, that’s bad. Of course I didn’t do it, I was proficient in the role of being sick, good actor, I deserve an Oscar.

Yeah screw that crap. I would have been like "You think I'm here for your amusement?" lol.

No not really, I would have just chickened out and ran away x_x

 

[Minty]

A lot of people are emotionally sensitive. This is not a bad thing. It's just how they're wired.

This means when you don't care to be emotionally considerate in your tone they feel like something has punched them in the stomach. They're feel really, really bad.

You and I, we're not that way at all. We don't understand why others go to great efforts to be "nice" to people they don't know or care about. And they don't care about them, in the sense that they don't really want to know how their day went or what they're planning to do over the holidays. But they DO care that they don't make that person feel how they feel when they themselves are spoken to in a flat, abrupt way. Punched in the gut.

In that sense, they're being genuine.

Does that make sense?

 

[hoddesdon]

I am afraid I have no intention of "sucking" up to you (that is a terrible word). I suppose that is itself an example of not doing so.

This is social phobia talking. Once again, it is like listening to myself. What you are talking about are rationalisations. There is more to "How are you?" than just the words, but social phobia makes one deaf to it. What you have said is totally logical, but you are missing the extra dimension.

 

[Just G]

This is what I think is fair...if I have to make an effort to consider people's feelings and be "nice" (please do not mistake with "kind) when it does not come natural to me, then people ought to make the effort to consider the fact that I may not be feeling like a thuper, duper happy camper. I'm not being cruel in any way, I'm just not jumping through hoops to be uber friendly. I am sweet, and social and I try to be helpful when I can. This is most of the time. I think as a human, I'm allowed to not smile once or twice out of the day. There are times when I do make the effort to be "approachable" and social when I don't feel like it. So if people are going to be ass-hurt because I don't smile once out of my day then they can....I know that some of you may be thinking, "God! What a b****!", but I can assure you that I wouldn't even be making this an issue if I didn't care about other people's feelings.

Sinar, I don’t think you’re out of line for saying this. In fact, I think it makes perfect sense. I think people in general tend to accredit less variability to other people than themselves, mostly because they see themselves as more multifaceted than others. They become self-absorbed because they spend a great deal of time inside their own heads. It’s what they know, and it’s all that they care to get in touch with.

It’s a sad and unfortunate truth, which I guess is a part of the human condition.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get into lecture (I'm aware you already know all this), but I guess in a weird way, I’m trying to reassure you that you’re entitled to your emotions.

You’re a wife, a mother, and a provider, and I think they need to be understanding of the fact.

Not everyone is going to be in the best spirits every day of the calendar year, especially someone who is in your position. This thing called life often throws a monkey wrench to our plans.

And by the way Sinar, I’ve never heard of the term “ass-hurt,” but I think I’m going to start using it as part of my vernacular anyway.

As soon as I got finished reading that phrase, I nearly spit my soup onto my laptop from laughing so hard. I swear, lol.

Let me not get started on the "bonding exercise" we had to do before our training. We can take fifteen minutes to say our name (to people who already know us) and tell them something about ourselves which they don't know, but we'd like them to know about us (which is nothing in my case). But we can't take fifteen minutes to get something to eat.... I just want to get in there and do what I have to do and get the hell out. Some bantering here and there in between is fine, of course. I hate being rushed, then having things delayed and then the same people who rush and delay act like we have all the time in the world to "get to know each other".

Oh my god, I hate that kumbaya **** too, where they situate everyone into the “friend circle” and you have to share something about yourself. It’s the absolute worst. We’re adults for God’s sake, why do we have to go back to the first grade?!

If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend that you watch the movie Office Space. It’s a fabulous satire on corporate culture, and I think it’s something that you would get a kick out of.

The only thing I would suggest to you Sinar, is that it never hurt anybody to flash an occasional smile. When it’s genuine, there’s nothing better in the world. I know that you go through a lot, but just try to grit your teeth and do it anyway.

If someone keeps hounding on you, give them the facts the nicest way possible. Let them know, “hey, I appreciate you, but right now, I’m busy and I have a lot of work to do.”

In other words, be honest without being thorny.

I know this probably doesn’t help or may be too impractical to implement, but I just wanted you to know that I put some thought into what you’ve said.

I hope things get better.

 

[da_illest101]

In the past, I've written about how my not being social is sometimes unrelated to my social anxiety. Lately, this is very much the case. Let me explain...

There is a reason why I do not work well with people at times. I like to focus on my work and complete it in a timely and precise fashion. This means that I don't want to sit around chit chatting when I have nothing to say to a person. Now, I can talk and do my work at the same time, but not when my work requires attention. I'll have someone standing in front of me expecting me to talk to them about some BS when I have things to do.

I know that sometimes a "Good morning. How are you?" means a lot to someone. That's fine and it doesn't cost much to say it, but I feel that sometimes people say and do things on auto pilot and sometimes I just don't feel like talking. How many times have you been asked "How are you?" while the person walks right past without waiting or caring for an answer? How many times have you done it to people? I know I have, and I really don't want to be like that. If I ask a question, I want to actually care enough to ask it in the first place. Otherwise what is the point? People are talking and interacting just for the sake of it. If my boss walks up to me first thing in the morning and asks me to do something without even greeting me, I'm not going to be hurt or offended.

There are times when a person is too busy, in a hurry or too tired to have to explain things in detail. The place I work is currently transitioning to another location so we've been doing training and visiting the new location. Some people have already begun to work there. After yesterday's training, a co-worker asks our group whether we would like a tour of the new place. I say, "Well, we were just leaving". I guess I didn't say it with a cheery smile and I wasn't hopping up and down out of pure joy so one of my co-workers, which I can tell is threatened and trying to compete with me, had this horrified look on her face and quickly turned to the guy and said, "Oh, no! We really have to go now, but thank you!". When she talks to people, she uses this phony, uber-sweet tone that is supposed to convey sweetness, but it sounds more fake to me. I hate how sometimes, in order to be social and in order to be around people, you have to behave in ways that are not genuine. If people weren't so hung up about being artificially nice, and overly social then maybe we could learn to accept each other for the way we truly are.

Anyway, I was already working on overtime, I still have things to complete at work before I clock out for the day, I have errands to run, a family to take care of and cook dinner for. Hell, I'm starving because we don't get a lunch break for the day because training is only four hours. They don't try to take into account that out of the total eight hours I've spent on the job, I'm going to be spending another two getting my work finished once training is over.

This is what I think is fair...if I have to make an effort to consider people's feelings and be "nice" (please do not mistake with "kind) when it does not come natural to me, then people ought to make the effort to consider the fact that I may not be feeling like a thuper, duper happy camper. I'm not being cruel in any way, I'm just not jumping through hoops to be uber friendly. I am sweet, and social and I try to be helpful when I can. This is most of the time. I think as a human, I'm allowed to not smile once or twice out of the day. There are times when I do make the effort to be "approachable" and social when I don't feel like it. So if people are going to be ass-hurt because I don't smile once out of my day then they can....I know that some of you may be thinking, "God! What a b****!", but I can assure you that I wouldn't even be making this an issue if I didn't care about other people's feelings.


Let me not get started on the "bonding exercise" we had to do before our training. We can take fifteen minutes to say our name (to people who already know us) and tell them something about ourselves which they don't know, but we'd like them to know about us (which is nothing in my case). But we can't take fifteen minutes to get something to eat.... I just want to get in there and do what I have to do and get the hell out. Some bantering here and there in between is fine, of course. I hate being rushed, then having things delayed and then the same people who rush and delay act like we have all the time in the world to "get to know each other".

For those of you who actually read this, God bless you for your patience. It is appreciated. Please feel free to state your honest opinions. If you think I'm being a big meanie then please say so. Your honesty will be appreciated. If you suck up and agree with me, however, I will make sure to let you get away with future infractions.

I wish every single person that told me why don't you ever talk, why don't you smile could f****** read this. This exactly ( not word for word lmao) what i told my ex gf back in the days. If people want to be a bunch of hypocrites go ahead but I wont

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

A lot of people are emotionally sensitive. This is not a bad thing. It's just how they're wired.

I don't think it's a bad thing.

This means when you don't care to be emotionally considerate in your tone they feel like something has punched them in the stomach. They're feel really, really bad.

I don't purposely speak to people in an inconsiderate tone. If at all, my tone might be serious, but not inconsiderate. How am I to know that a person wants or expects me to speak to them with a sweet tone of voice? How am I supposed to guess that a person will be hurt if I speak to them with a serious tone? My tone is not going to be sweet and sunny all the time especially when I'm tired. I don't think I'm bad for that. Also, people seem to think that I'm mean when I'm not smiling, but I can't have a smile plastered on my face all the time. I don't expect others to always smile at me and I won't be hurt when they don't.
I have a co-worker who has a really brusque manner and way of speaking, but he was the only person who was willing to drop everything he was doing and helped me when he knew that I had been at work for almost twelve hours. The sweet, sunny people hardly bothered.

That feeling you described - I know very well how that feels and I know that I can help feeling that way. Perhaps not all the time because I'm by nature a sensitive person and I have my moments. I have grown a thicker skin in some ways and I'm glad that I did. I don't want to be profoundly hurt by the smallest gesture or comment. If others are living their life that way then more power to them, but I choose not to and am happier for it.

You and I, we're not that way at all. We don't understand why others go to great efforts to be "nice" to people they don't know or care about. And they don't care about them, in the sense that they don't really want to know how their day went or what they're planning to do over the holidays. But they DO care that they don't make that person feel how they feel when they themselves are spoken to in a flat, abrupt way. Punched in the gut.


In that sense, they're being genuine.

Does that make sense?

Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding you. Are you saying that I don't care how I make people feel? I never wrote that I don't care how I make people feel. I'm just saying that there is only so much I can care. In other words, I worry/care enough to apologize, to explain my tone or my behavior (when I get the chance to), but I'm not going to make myself sick with worry. That and I don't believe that I should have to always take responsibility over how others feel. I don't think that's unfair. I take responsibility for my own feelings and perhaps it's not fair to expect that from others, but I can't always make the effort to take responsibility for how others feel. I've dealt with some rude people in the past two weeks and I chose to not let their actions or words hurt me. I tried to consider why they were being rude. Maybe they were having a bad day, or maybe that's just their mannerism, but one way or another, I dealt with and made peace with it. It won't always be possible, but I will help it when and if I can. I'm a human being. I think some people might forget that I'm human just because I don't show or express that I'm hurting, but I can assure you that I am human, I do have feelings, I do have my weak moments and I have my flaws.

I'm not going to focus all of my attention on a person and make mistakes at work. I'm on a probation period, it has taken me a long time to get hired, it took a lot of effort and courage on my part to go through the motions in order to get this job. There are a lot of things to remember where I work, a lot of things to do and until I get the hang of things and know my job 100%, I have to focus on what I'm doing. Sometimes that means I didn't say "good morning, how are you?" to a co-worker walking past. I worked almost twelve hours yesterday and that's because I take my job seriously.

Pips was right. I'm the new person and others haven't had the chance to get to know me. After some careful consideration, I decided that I will make an extra effort, but I'm not going to bend over backwards trying to please people who may not even care. I'm going to try to figure out a way to make this work. I can make some changes, but I'm not about to completely change myself in order to please everyone. Some people just can't be pleased so they're just going to have to deal with their own problems.

 

[coyote]

very often people say or do things out of habit

"Hi, how ya doin'?" "Did ya see the game last night?" "Wanna see the new office?"

there may not be any hidden meaning, no ulterior motives, no manipulative scheme

they're just talking out of habit, without thinking anything about it

I have to remind myself not to take everything everyone says too personally

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

after reading this twice, my honest opinion is you seem a little self absorbed.

Yes, I can see why it might seem that way.

Things will be a lot easier once I figure out a way to work things out. I will consider if there are any necessary changes to be made in the way I deal with people and make those changes. Now, that doesn't mean that I'm going to do more than I have to or that I'm going to make major changes in who I am. A little change might do me some good and it might benefit other people I interact with. However, I will keep in mind that some people cannot be pleased and some people aren't worth the trouble. I think this is fair.

 

[userremoved]

I still think that things will eventually slow down and there will be more time for everyone to do their social thing. At least it's not like college, where if people get a bad impression of you they just avoid you from that point forward.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I still think that things will eventually slow down and there will be more time for everyone to do their social thing. At least it's not like college, where if people get a bad impression of you they just avoid you from that point forward.

You're absolutely right. Things will eventually slow down. As I wrote, we are in the middle of a transition so things are very hectic for everyone. I think everyone is under a lot of stress too. What you wrote about my being new and people not knowing me yet has helped me put things into perspective. That and the comments where people didn't necessarily agree with the way I approach/see things. I'm trying to be flexible in order to give myself room to grow and get better at all of this. That's where criticism and objective views come into play and are very valuable. Not that I don't appreciate the responses that I got where people were commiserating. lol It's always nice to know that someone out there knows how one feels.

Personally, I don't mind if people avoid me as long as they don't get in my way or try to make things difficult for me. I realize that not everyone is going to like me and I can accept that.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Thanks for all your responses folks. I'm apologize if I didn't respond to all of them, but know that I read each one.

 

[philly2bits]

I think the main problem is that you(or many with SA) were not "trained" enough as a child.

Think about it. As a child you probably never naturally socialized with other kids. It was always structured in some way. As a toddler your parents brought you to a playground, introduced you to other kids. They may have told you to say hi to a certain kid or to share a toy. In elementary school there were those bonding exercises and the teachers probably tried to encourage socializing just like the parents did before them in a rigid fashion. By the time highschool comes and you can do what you want the training is already deep. I'm not putting parents or teachers down for this as it's probably a far better way to go then letting kids do what they want.

My point is most people get too well trained in the formal ways of socializing. The idea's and preconceptions of what to do and how to act become so entrenched and it makes them uneasy to handle a wrench in the works. That wrench being someone with SA or just someone who acts different. They can't get their heads around it and are put off by it.