It's become a lot worse for me. Ten years ago, I had a job and a relationship, and I regularly attended various substance abuse meetings, where I made a lot of friends. I could go anywhere I wanted, any time I wanted. Now I can hardly leave the house for fear of being seen by someone I know. I feel that even complete strangers must be horrified by my appearance, or are silently mocking me as I pass by. Ten years ago, I would never have had such thoughts.
Back in February, I was summoned for jury duty, a mere inconvenience for most people. I served on a jury in my early twenties, so it was nothing new to me. Ten years ago, I would have been annoyed, but I would have sailed through it without a problem. This time, however, I suffered two months of anxious anticipation and then had a severe panic attack in the courthouse and nearly passed out from fear. I managed to get through it, but I still have occasional flashbacks.
I'm currently experiencing a minor but potentially life-threatening medical crisis, which has already required one terrifying trip to the ER. I would have been cool and calm as could be a decade ago, but this time I was trembling with anxiety just sitting in the waiting room. When they took me back to the exam room and told me to get undressed, I really lost it. I've developed a bad case of body dysmorphia over the years, with a tendency to self-mutilate, so the idea of stripping off and donning one of those God-awful short-sleeved hospital gowns is just about my worst nightmare. I think I could handle nearly anything else they might do to me, but I'd almost rather die than take that dose of humiliation. Back in my twenties, it wouldn't have fazed me a bit. I'll have to deal with it eventually, I suppose, and probably in the next few days, because this thing isn't going to go away by itself, but I don't know how I'm going to face being exposed like that to a leering hoard of physically perfect medical types. I'm half-way hoping this thing will kill me first.
These are just two examples of how things have gotten worse for me. I could easily add a lot more, but I'll save the rest of my shame for another day. I can't say if I'm typical of the older members or not, but for me things definitely have not improved. I sincerely hope that's not the case for everyone.
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