Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Okay so I just kinda am stopping myself from A. Being ultra gangsta and writing in a comment on Rug's Instagram ... B Writing all my indecent thoughts on his outrageous twisted-excessive-self-indulged -looney/aggressive/crazy Instagram feeds on my private (not my main) ( he is my only friend on that page) Facebook page and C The safest option I am now doing so that I dont get myself into a headache with him and writing it here the usual way..

So first of all this is his Instagram#

And I know its bad to expose a person in bad light anywhere, but Im having issues with this and just need my anxiety and so on to be realised. He has a condition, so I see him in different ways. But for the most part, I see him as someone quite ill but able to function, but not really aware of how his mindscape really is rigid and small and with pockets of delusions and so on.

Its just so irritating. I cannot help but get so worked up by going on there. I have anxiety over things because I like to control things. And when I see him doing stuff like this, even tho he is just trying to dictate 'the internet' - in his words - or blow up social media etc.. hes showing he doesnt care, but hes not realising that he actually does and all the psychological stuff behind it all because he is completely unable to question himself outside of his ego and delusions. And its just so, so frustrating to me- I just want to break it all apart and tell him what I see. And I think anyone would.

I had a conversation with him last night on the phone that went for 45 mins on this subject. As I asked him if he was alright because his Instagram was excessive more than usual and he had written things about aggression and all sorts of lude stuff.

So he basically just tells me he has been doing 'the internet' since 1995 .. or something like that (ooookaaaayyy...lol) and that what he does on there I cant understand because I dont put myself out there. SO I told him straight up that I think that its excessive and what he does on there and so on and that the people that see that stuff are the people that are in his life and that sure he can do what ever he wants, but to just think about say myself seeing those things, and his sister etc.. that if I were doing those things on Instagram and he saw them what would he think. And his reaction to that was that he is unable to put himself as me or his sister because he cant think of those things. Which made me think straight out that he is unable to be compassionate on Instagram lol. I mean come on, most people will not want to distress others and will not want to put stuff on social media that makes others very embarrassed to be around them. But that is what he does. He basically commits social media hangman or something- things that Im sure a teen these days would never do. He basically blacklists himself.
In person he is alot different.

But still mentally delusional and all over the place. I cant stand it. You literally just want to tell him to his face all his 'issues' that he is painting over the internet that he is not aware he is doing.

Argghhh. I know make a big deal. At this point in time, Im not social and in a depressive, low self-esteem rut. Im trying to pick up my peices and get on top again. But Im also having to deal with him on a daily basis. Its not really a co-dependency - its a dependency on his end, but on my end its a tolerance for a key difference in all my other low self esteem times - to have a guy friend is what places it not the same as all the other times. So perhaps it is a co-dependency idk - but in any case I do keep my distance so much more and give up on ever having a good friendship with common ground and authentic mind. I havent been over to visit him in some time now.

The thing that made me depressed tonight tho was he mentioned after me talking about my parents ageing. He mentioned that he wants a family and to oneday stop smoking and go off drugs and get a job and a place, in the future, and if I liked him it would be with me. And I answered that with a change of subject. Its a hell no for me. I would want a termination if I was pregnant with his child no offence. The mental stuff runs in his family and there are totally different values in his life and his familie's life than to mine. And you know, he is 34 years old. If he wanted those things - he needs to act on them. He has no job, no money and cant be responsible for even buying fish food. If you get my drift. And thats also the topic about kids that makes me feel uneasy because im 36 and its gettting late etc. I would like to have a partner that is sane and grounded and have an income and be interested in health and making a home and gardening etc.. its depressing because Im just not there.

He has no idea how much I had to do for him when I went out with him which was ages ago now.

I just need him to know its never going to be but I am scared of a few things like hurting him and him maybe idk getting aggressive oneday and delusional and then theres the lack of attention I guess lol - idk.Its silly realy. So I just dont do it. We are friends only anyways, so I jsut dont even bother to go there.

I guess I am scared of when I do start to get my self esteem back and my confidence again and start to try new things, then theres a chance that over time I could meet someone you know and Im just not sure how that would go with rugs. I feel like hes marked me and I dont geta chance at my own life because he gets what he wants because of how he was grown up. That he could chuck a fit if I was going out with somoene else. But then again Idk.

Im just so tired of all his 'stuff'. Its affects me greatly. Its not nice to have an only friend, a close one that is mentally delsuional and egotistic.

Gosh he thinks he is famous on the internet and that famous people know his name etc.

anyways.

 

[theslowesthand]

in the heat of the raging lady syndrome of pms

I like how you put that

 

[BlueDays]

...... He mentioned that he wants a family and to oneday stop smoking and go off drugs and get a job and a place, in the future, and if I liked him it would be with me. And I answered that with a change of subject.....

The fact that he is mentioning those things that he wants in his future, and YOU - in the same sentence - is kind of like a red light flashing.

That and the fact that he basically insists on still seeing you practically every day, indicates that he may see the friendship you are still giving him as having the potential to change back into being a relationship.

Him still letting himself into your house and walking straight into your bedroom first thing in the morning - when you are still asleep - is worrying. That is not the kind of behaviour that "just good friends" do! lol.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm not sure about these things, but should he be using your real name (K____) when he posts?

 

[theslowesthand]

Btw I think your face looks FINE to me. :thumbup:

 

[grapevine]

Yeah its quite overwhelming his stuff.

Yes it is red flags. But he gets personal with people he doesnt know too. What I mean is that he can be too forward and inviting to people he doesnt know. So in the context of him talking to me about the future, I take that into account and just move on. He did mention maybe going out with other people in the future the other week. But he genrally has marked me being there in his. But he said if I still liked him. Well Id would just have to try and have a heart to heart with him at some stage and be brave with it, prob have ticks whilst im doing it lol.

Thanks Lowest. Yeah, BDD is in the mind. Sometimes I can go weeks or even months with seeing myself as normal and fine and not bothered and then all of a sudden my face will warp. Thats why I dont like cameras and photos. Ive had some shocking photos. More than a few years ago I was at a wedding. I was quite big then and I struggled to get my dress and be there happy within myself socially. I felt ashamed. But when we all (like 40 people) all posed for the outdoor photos in the park, I remember looking back on them later and seeing every single photo of me was skewed in a way and no one else had that in any of them except me lol. One photo a branch shadow was on my face- it created a weird photo, another my expression was like popeye (cause I had a wisdom tooth issue then), and another I had an extra long nose from moving. I looked closely at everyone else and they were fine. So I just took it as like I had done since I were a teen and compleletly black listed in photos. Im not photo-genic and it freaks out my percpetion of how I look in person so I jsut kinda avoid it lol.

Rugs seems to not have any boundaries online. He thinks its not real and likes to act like an idiot. Yet he brings his life and others into it and I hate it. Its so dominant and ruins how I see myself. So many times Ive had to tell him personally not to put any photos of me again and again and things like that. Even silly cartoons I draw lol. I have a Facebook page called 'Karens Doodles' - its really silly and funny. It gets my frustrations out with him. But yeah Ill draw some rude cartoons sometimes - like pollitically incorrect or even pornographic rude - like my strange addictions- errotic versions haha lol - things like that- and send them to him for a laugh- but he would just go and put them on his instagram without asking me. I had to tell him it was a private laugh and that I drew them and he needed permission from me to put them on his account with my name there. He has no idea his perception on things is not universal. At the moment he spends compious amounts of his time going through his old photos and sticking them onto his Instagram. Time he could be spending doing something less depressing you know lol.



I dont mind being friends with him, I enjoy it and he is extremely loyal and nice to me. He is self aware of my needs now which was was so different when I went out with him.

But I can be going for a walk with him, enjoying having a laugh and so on and a good conversation and we can be talking about someone famous and then he'll start to talk about how alot of people prob look him up everyday and masturbate to his photos and think his instagram is absurdly cool photos etc. And his Instagram is a headcase of delusional self-importance and a small world. Its excessive in self indulgence and self importance from an egotistic point of view - with a huge elephant in the room saying he doesnt live in the same world as most people. So there are just so many things that cause internal rifts with being friends with him with me.

I like having him around as a friend. I also like having my self esteem improved by being with a guy that likes me. I know him so well now. Every single day/night since June 2016, weve seen each other and also been on the phone or online. Without fail really. Ever since the break up last year I thought Id get my space, but he just basically has persisted like nothing happened since and its been draining on me. I like the friendship and because its been everyday/night by phone or whatever- overtime - its been just a thing now. Most lof the time I jsut want his dominace on my life to be rid with- I mean I want that balance, that space, its hard to start something - he turns up etc. Im always putting my time into him. He gets so depressed and doesnt know what to do with himself if I dont make an effort to at least one day each weekend to come over watch some films and hang out, have a laugh. It breaks me heart because he is a very nice person in person. Highly different than the weirdo online. And im so close to him, hes like to me part of the family - a persistant silly but loyal friend. But theres that feelings bit - I think he feels like me - that yes we love and care for each other but we are no in love with each other. He has said that before. And that is basically how I feel. So it really bugs me he says things about the future. And I cant break his heart and so on. But hes not in my future like he thinks. Its so much pressure on me with expectations like that. I dont like him like that because he has too many problems. If Im going to go out with someone, Im going to go out with a person I admire and who has the same values. Unfortunately he doesnt have those things for me. But thats where it sux so much. It can feel like Ive finally settled sometimes when Im walking around with a guy - even as a friend. Its like Ive finally got a guy friend, like a husband or something and it feels comforting. It feels like I know him- and those things a few things that I do like about him which make like a 10th of the things I would like to see in a future husband. you know, I just envision myself with a guy with brown hair for some reason - loyal and a best friend like him and on a similar level and with the same humor, yet having the same values as me and a health person, vegan even, having a good career, job and compassionate and not self absorbed etc.
Yeah, its just upsetting. I think about for all, most of my life Ive never thought I was good enough to be around a guy. Like have one like me and be my friend.Then I find one, and hes really close and all but completely unwell in the mind and has no resources for himself let alone others etc. It just makes me feel so hardening inside. I dont want to go there. We are just friends and thats that. The other things- I jus sweep under the carpet and it does no good. I know I have to talk to him. It just sux because there is a part of me that likes him and loves him and that. But its not something that can be unless i want to dig my own grave you know. He is too much work.

Arrrghhh. Well there goes another journal entry with the word 'rugs' in largely every second sentence .

 

[theslowesthand]

I have a Facebook page called 'Karens Doodles' - its really silly and funny. It gets my frustrations out with him. But yeah Ill draw some rude cartoons sometimes - like pollitically incorrect or even pornographic rude - like my strange addictions- errotic...

Found it! :bigsmile: (has a "z" at end right?)

And his Instagram is a headcase of delusional self-importance and a small world. Its excessive in self indulgence and self importance from an egotistic point of view - with a huge elephant in the room saying he doesnt live in the same world as most people

But looking on the bright side, it is an outlet for him, so he doesn't get things all bottled-up too much. So i think that it's healthy overall.

 

[grapevine]

yeah, that's my page with a 'Z' - forgot about that lol. Its an outlet for me. Just silly nonsense doodles. Prob shouldn't really judge the rugs as I have my own thing there... err

Yeah, rugs and his online stuff. It's not even in my life - and the delusional stuff in conversation is not that bad as I emotionally charge it to be. I guess, at the heart of it, im bugged that i cant fully connect and that this guy doesnt have the ingredients for me, yet he continues to be overly loyal and stick around and extra nice. And its kinda frustrating all the time and draining. Yet I dont pursue any other friendships or social stuff because Im not even in the confidence zone I once was prior to knowing him. Im just trying to get back up with that. I guess I get depresssed because I feel more alone despite him in my life, if that makes sense. And it makes me angry.

Lately Ive been quite depressed. You know, Ive readd that depression is when your mind feels overwhelmed at any avenues to any goals blocked and makes you give up and feel like at a loss. In my mind when I think about getting back on my horse, I feel like whats the point because I cant envision a reasonable outcome - i mean a goal that sparks my enthusiasm that is enough to carry my desire. Im going into that mindset where its just doom anyway, even tho thats bogus. I have to say Ive had wheat. Im allergic to wheat and it affects my mind and all - that sticky gluten- (or glue). Im lacking that energy. And Im feeling drained at what rugs is in my life. A good friend, but also a mentally ill person. I feel like jus laying down and sleeping alot. Yet I fear getting huge again weight wise.

Ive got so much anxiety. I find it hard to sleep at the moment. I thin I need B12 lol.

I just need to push myself out of my zone perhaps. To find myself again and the things that spark me like when I go into this shop I like in a one of the towns near me. This whole foods place where I get fresh juices every now and then and this girl that serves is like a shiny penny. She is like a full on juicer as her skin and hair has tht glow. And everytime I go there I feel like yeah- she at my tribe y'all.. and I really want that in myself - because I know shed be feeling it inside just as good. Its funny when you know hwat you want, yet you somehow let made up fears stop you in your tracks.
Im self sabotaging my goals and just not bothering to look after myself and I feel like im doing that because im not facing a huge issue I need to face, something that eeds to be resolved and head on and then relieved - but Im not sure what it is - or maybe I do- maybe its rugs. Maybe its just that I need to vocally talk to him to know we are on the same page within this friendship and so on. I think that is just draining so much energy in me.

Yestrerday was a good day and the day before. We went for long walks in the winter sun at the touristy places in our home town that are amazingly picturesque. He does know he is just a friend. And how he feels about me is more like a family type love than in love. I pretty much know those things. And he is respecting more and more of me and my ways with my needs for space and things like that. So I just, i feel he is fine really. I just blow things way out of proportion when I find his online stuff usually during pms and hyperventeralte and come on here and automatically write. It can be so so hard to get out of that anxiety mind trap and feel so overwehelmed. Its hard to explain. But genreally I have anxiety attacks over his illness things all the time. Even tho they are no way directed at me. I guess I feel often like Im haning around closely with the bad crowd. That being with him takes me away from my values and my lifestyle that I truely desire. And I counteract that by doing things with him that bring my values to the front - so I am sharing activities like going for walks and going in nature and getting fit - with him so that I feel like Im not lost in them.
Beause when I went out with him, I was naive and completely lost myself. I had to slip myself into his lifestyle that was nothing near what I had created for myself. And now Im trying to get back to that- my lifestyle before and yet Im depressed because I feel like was cheated of my health from that relationship. But anyways. Im just finding it so hard to get hese chains off me that are holding me back from my goals. Maybe I need to make a dreamboard and feel it. Do things that spark desire in me. Even look on youtube lol.

 

[grapevine]

Im going to be eXtra cool and stick a video in my diary. This song is called Storm Boy and that is signifcant to me because where I live this film was made called 'StormBoy' in the 70s about this boy that befriends a pelican on the Coorong (its a place), and the pelican saves these sailers lol. They recently re-made this film last year in the same place and I cant wait to see it. But the fact that my fav artist has a song about it is extra cool. I cannot wait to see him in August : )



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3RSAMkzpVU

 

[BlueDays]

Im going to be eXtra cool and stick a video in my diary. This song is called Storm Boy and that is signifcant to me because where I live this film was made called 'StormBoy' in the 70s about this boy that befriends a pelican on the Coorong (its a place), and the pelican saves these sailers lol. They recently re-made this film last year in the same place and I cant wait to see it. But the fact that my fav artist has a song about it is extra cool. I cannot wait to see him in August : )



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3RSAMkzpVU

Wow, that 70's film "Storm Boy" sure brings back memories of my childhood!
I think it came out around the same time as the early animated version of "Charlottes Web". Do you remember that one?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHtjYTM64Jo

I did not know they made an updated version of "Storm Boy" last year, that would be great to see.

 

[grapevine]

ooh yes my fav thanks : )

I loved the remake too

 

[grapevine]

Actually I used to be a HUGE fan of 'Esther the Wonder Pig' - who is worth looking up. She used to cheer me up when I was down. Basically these two guys got her as a tea-cup pig, but she grew into a huge normal farm pig and they ended up moving to a farm house - where she lives in the house with them .... and turned vegan and ended up rescuing farm animals. This pig, she is something to see. Has a smile on her face haha, she sleeps alot and eats alot and is very intellegent- does things like open the oven , grab all their pillows -pulls them apart and makes her own bed lol. Has best friends with dogs and geese, comes and goes out the house when she wants. Also goes for walks and retrieves sticks with the dogs. In the summer she has her own outside bath and makes this huge splash lol. Its awesome.

 

[grapevine]

IM JOURNALLING ON MY MAC.. Ive had CHOCOLATE!!!! Pana raw vegan chocolate - this is going to keep me up all night long- im so sensitive to caffeine lol. Gotta go to work tomorrow. Ill have to have ibuprofen to make me drowsy and sleepy and some valerian lol. I was feeling so depressed this morning and yesterday and a few days before that. I literally had no energy to do a thing and I felt so moody and that everything came to be too hard for me. Even smallest things. I was just so stressed out. I had a nice warm shower and got some chocolate into me and its such a change that occurred from those things.
But Im journalling. I feel so proactive at the moment. Im not living, have not been living my truth so to speak. Ive just been stuck in feeling dominated by russell and not really living through my own values. So, ive decided now Ive had my depressive down time, and thinking about for ages - gathering that energy to actually do something about it, that I want to start acting on things now. Just one thing will lead to another and another. Just one thing will make me happy - and give me some energy- so there we go.
Ive come to realise that I just dont respect russell and yet he is a constant person in my everyday life. I feel like i give him way too much access in my life, rather than having boundaries. Its quite hard to have those boundaries. I know that I really hate the things he is into, his tastes etc. I mean- yeah I get some things- but most of it I think of his tastes like 'man-child' type of stuff. It makes me cringe. And so many things that I hold very dear to that way I ideally like to live my life- he has blatant non-connections with. And all of that makes me feel less of me. By having in him in my life, I have to by pass alot of these things. And for me to actually feel happy within myself, I need to over-ride his dominance and even my work's dominance of their values. I feel like I need to keep to myself, have those boundaries. Its hard with russell because he just barges in. But I need to keep at it. Explain it etc. I need to not be frightened of being really really assertive anymore. Its okay to feel for a person when I do, but I can always be kind and explain the truth of how I feel.
Im just tired of not acting on my own desires because I feel so exhausted in another person's dominance. There are ways to do this. To just really hold onto one's own more. Dont let them in as much. And to act on my own values quite dominantly.
Before him I was doing those things and because I did I felt good about myself. I need to break his dependency on me. And my dependency on him. Thats freedom not depression. Depression is sitting on the fence and just letting things get dirty. So my goal is to really push myself out of this depression by acting on my values.

For me this means listening to my music so much more- like I used to do. This pushes me into the energy flow of being in that person I believe in. The best of me. Taking so much more time out to be on my own. Have my time. Not be afraid to do that. I don't need him at my hip. Regardless of him being like that. Its not healthy and I shouldn't be encouraging it. A person needs balance and its not my responsibility to be an answer to his neediness. He needs to face that. And the kindest thing to do is to give that space and perhaps a little truth of guidance to get him to face his reasons why he can't get out of his own box and rely on himself rather than others for his happiness. I know thats asking for a lot, but I need balance, respect and boundaries. I cant understand why he can't think of the future as now and think about dreams and independence and things like that- well I know why he cant, but Im so tired of it all draining on me. I need to break the cycle. Im not saying not be friends. Im just saying that I need to distance myself because I find myself checking my own sanity of his beliefs and so on entering my mechanisms of the mind and I really dont want that. Its always a shame and its disheartnening - to disrespect him and even my parents do and his sister- they see what I see yet russell and his sister cant. Thier values ad lifestyles are just not something that I respect and so on. Its like this revolting feeling being around his sister. Its like she and him have to rely on these small dependencies of happiness like for her - she goes to opp shops all the time - like thats the one things that will make her happy. They use things as a crutch like a person addicted to sugar or something. And they cant get to the heart of being responsible for themselves and actually doing something real and so on to help themselves. Its just the same things over and over again. Without substance. Its hard to explain. But its so different to me. I believe in trying to find responsiblitiy for myself and trying to build my life and gather resources to get out of my own mental blocks. To be happy and free and confident so that I can build from there. Sure its not all up, its an up and down journey. And I know that when I can reach goals I feel awesome and it goes from there. I get more confident and get the ability to really change my life to being independent more and more. And be there for others. I sound quite kinda preachy, but I guess being around his sister aggrivates me so much. She has verbal dylexia and in writing too. She just has such a disrespectful character about her. I cant really put my finger on it. But its like intrusive and all about her if that makes sense.

Anyways, I just feel so upset alot too because Im pushing him away and hes all like he is. But I need to put my compassion for myself before him. I just have to act on my own stuff and say no a whole lot more. I need to tell him not to come over when I dont want him over. etc.

I just want to make myself over and evolve into a newer person. Create new habits again, get into my values- live each day with feeling more myself and less of others' beliefs. Work on my confidence, my self love stuff and fully act on it all. Ive carried a sadness, a frustration, a depression and full on stress for so long. I need to know that this is the best thing. What stops me from doing these things is making up blocks in my mind that I cant do these things because rugs will interfere, or that rugs will dominate, or that I dont believe in myself.. or that they wont make me happy. But they actually will make me happy. And the wierd thing is, that when I actually do all these things and actually create that space for myself, put rugs in his place with my boundaries and act on where he needs to be in my life- not so intimate. That things will get better. Actually, I meant to say- that when I act on gaining happiness thru my values- I encourage others to do the same. I create an example of living your independence and things like that. Going for goals blah blah.

It has just been months of going thru that energy in my in to mentally think about what I want and how to achieve it. Im still not gotten so far as to the immediate but that's okay. Things come to you when you act on your desires. Ive got a whole lot of chocolate in me tonight. Like extra dark raw chcoclate. It was already dark, then its was 60 percent more - what ever that means. My vegan choc is the bomb.

 

[grapevine]

I feel like being dominant - the reaction is irritating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUBoznU1vk8

 

[grapevine]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuAXv5qaSbQ

 

[BlueDays]

Actually I used to be a HUGE fan of 'Esther the Wonder Pig' - who is worth looking up. She used to cheer me up when I was down. Basically these two guys got her as a tea-cup pig, but she grew into a huge normal farm pig and they ended up moving to a farm house - where she lives in the house with them .... and turned vegan and ended up rescuing farm animals. This pig, she is something to see. Has a smile on her face haha, she sleeps alot and eats alot and is very intellegent- does things like open the oven , grab all their pillows -pulls them apart and makes her own bed lol. Has best friends with dogs and geese, comes and goes out the house when she wants. Also goes for walks and retrieves sticks with the dogs. In the summer she has her own outside bath and makes this huge splash lol. Its awesome.

She is adorable. There are quite a few pics of her sniffing patty cakes, so I thought she must like them. Then I noticed they have put patty cake wallpaper on the wall in her room.

 

[grapevine]

Yes Esther world is amazing how the care for her ��

 

[grapevine]

Well been out in the neglected garden today. So many things I'd put for other days all last year because everything else was taking up all my time whilst also having fatigue issues.
I have a confession to make - I had wheat the last few days as I made peanut cookies for everyone but end up basically eating them all myself ������������������������������������������������*����������. I hace a wheat intolerance. Glueton/ wheat really affects me and it effects me for days. Esp mentally.

 

[grapevine]

Anyways the wheat hasn't been that bad yet in terms of anxiety but I've had issues today with my physical health that worry me and resemble all last years issues. I get this shortness of breath and light headedness. I get really weak and fatigued and feel nauseous. This sounds like anxiety but idk as last year it was like having the flu almost. And when I'm at work, physically doing stuff - it feels like it's just so hard for me to relax as my heart rate goes up and my breathing so shallow and that nausea like lung sucky feeling or weighty feeling idk. And it feels like it's hard for me to feel the weight of my body or something lol and that don't make sense. Anyways I'm stressed when I'm at work and I'm stressed all the time really I guess. But it's like shallow breathing and nausea is all the time. Like I can decently get a good aerobic workout but like it feels like I need to - in order to flush my lungs or something.

Anyways too - I was thinking about when I've ever really made changes in my life for the better have been when I've been confronted personally by people - I mean personally by my own thoughts and feelings and then just allowing myself to get on with it and do all the things I need to to to get to yhat place I want to get to. Doing it without really thinking , just going time to act now ect.

 

[grapevine]

So assertiveness is really my issue.

On Thursday and Friday last week, I did heavy manual labor of lifting large boxes of clothes and bags for 2 days straight with no real break. Then, on that afternoon I came home to find my sister and her young kids over - who wanted all my attention - so I couldnt rest at all. As soon as I got home I had to go and take mum out to get them all chips. For some reason nobody will do it, despite me just coming back from an exhausting two days of work where I couldn't hardly move. Then I had to play with the kids for 3 hours. Then we they left I found it hard to sleep despite being so exhausted.
So i sleep in a bit in the morning. I wake up so stiff and sore and exhausted still. I just needed to have a good rest. But rugs come over that morning because he was so eager to want to do something with me - go out somewhere for saturday drive or a walk or something. So i say we go for a walk on this island in our home town. I just forget about me needing rest and push myself. I forget about me wanting to do my own thing too. I just really pushed my body and it sucked. Then the next day, rugs comes over again in the morning and we go out to the sunday markets and things like that. I suggested it. See, sure I enjoy it a bit doing these things but at the same time, im sweeping all my own needs for my own time and to relax and rest up and all that under the carpet. All my goals. Like for instance, I just wanted to have a week to myself, even just a few days. Where I can just be in my own world without him. I wanted to do gardening and do chores and start my goals. Do cooking etc.. instead im just extending energy I dont have to entertain him, to try and make it entertaining for me but its all overshadowing my own needs.

I get to the point where I just so badly want lots of time to myself - to rest, recouperate, de-stress and find my goals and do my hobbies etc. But I end up having to be nice to him because its like the one thing in his life almost that hes been looking forward to - its how it seems, so even when I write to him days before and tell him i just want to time to myself. Hell forget and hell still come around. He comes over everyday, rings and texts everyday. I mean, hes getting much better now than he was. Hes understanding of my ways. But i just need space because he is so so dependent on me for going to my place and doing something. Because all he does when hes alone is be in his shed and not really have anything to do because he cant get into anything really. He just goes over to my place to ty and get out and find things to do from me instead and Im just a million times over so tired of it all. Ive had so many anxiety attacks over it in the last few weeks. It hinders anything I want to set for myself, my goals because instead of doing my own thing, im having to entertain him all the time. I try to work in my goals with that - like going for walks and I do enjoy the company. But I need breathing space, because despite me telling him we are not in a relationship and him knowing that, he still treats it like one and its like he is doing everything to try to make me happy in his own way without actually see the truth in front of him so to speak. Im always trying to get distance and start up my own habits to my goals, and ive always got to stop things because he interferes and i just have to be nice to him and not let him down because he counts on me for his happiness.