Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life


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Well not that this has anything to do with me, but I cant tell anyone as they are all asleep lol. But Xavier Rudd- whom Im a big fan of and cannot wait to see him for the 3rd time live coming in August, just realised and found his wife's Instagram and to my surprised was so excited to see that she too is a vegan and mostly raw and a really awesome fitness enthusiast - thats so cool - I feel like I like her even more than him haha. And even so the raw vegans I follow on youtube- one of them knows this woman haha. Its a small world.

Well it was a tough day today with the neice and nephew over and hardly getting a break. I just really need my try to relax and recuperate and 'me' time. Im just always struggling with energy and muscle weakness. Its not iron or anything nutritional but it makes a big big difference when I rest and juice fruits and veg twice a day. Its like my body is so desperate for nourishment. And when eating foods that are processed, I just end up feeling tired more and weaker and get aches and pains and cant do much. I get overwhelmed so easily - physically and mentally and its so frustrating. But I know that all the things that I need to do intuitively at least with knowledge of my body and nutrition/health. Its just a matter of having my own time to do it. This week after my dog passing and also busy- I hadnt had time to myself cause I was rushing around to juice and make my food. I just need so much time to myself in order to wind down and have a good rest, recuperate, re-adjust my goals and where im heading and get re-motivated and on track and believe in myself, and flood my body with juicing and good nutritional food whilst not having any processed foods again. I recently went 3-4 months without the processed foods until recently. It made a big difference.

Now I jsut gotta juice and have more water and eat the rainbow more. : )

Also been looking into this therapy called Internal Family Systems. Got alot about self care in it. Self care is the bomb : P


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Yes I am a self care junkie lol - I did a lot of the opposite and still find time to not do it but it's the one thing-s I do that helps everything. ����������������


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well I got the flu now haha. Pretty bad actually. Oh god its horrible lol.

funny enough, rugs-russell-razzell ... lol, he never gets sick yet he smokes like a chimney, takes drugs and lives off of processed foods. He basically eats like in a lolly shop most of the time lol. Like what the haha.


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Most people eat processed foods. Its everywhere and its easy and stimulating. But when you actually get off the wagon, and it takes like 3-4 weeks to overcome the addictions of wanting the packet foods - you start to feel really good and grounded and happy internally- well thats what happens to me- and thats why Im so into health foods. Eating a wholefoods diet.

I havent been doing it exactly as the processed stuff creeped in this last month and then in a big way after my dog passing and family over etc. But having this flu is showing me to take care more and go back to what makes me happy and not override those things for others you know.

Gosh I get so worked up with that ruggles. He just pushes my anxiety buttons. Im like my mum- I get too concerned of another person's issues that I feel it and become that mother etc.

Its been quite cold here atm as we are in the middle of winter. Its a stormy day and im not at work this week as I am in bed with the flu. Its been horrible, but im starting to feel better with lots of water and eating apples and soup etc. Even having cooked collards tonight lol.

Thing is rugs/russell because he contacts me everyday without a break, I know what he is up to etc. And he went to bed at like 7 last night. Got up at like 8 in the morning, and has basically slept most of the day. And now has gone back to bed at 6:30 at night.
This just makes me feel disrespectful to him because I ask if he is okay and that its alot of sleep and if hell be able to sleep tonight etc.. which he ignores. He just jumps into bed because its cold. But to me, its more than that. I ask if he is depressed and bored. Yes, I stick my foot in it. He doesnt mind. I just cant help it. To me its negligent on his part to take care of himself and it makes me angry I guess. He lacks responsibility to himself. What I mean is that im sure its his boredom/depression feelings from risperdal and from his fortnightly ice crappy thing. ITs like he will just neglect everything like he cannot entertain himself with anything, look to me for answers - without acknowledging he is doing so. Look to me for entertainment. I mean he rings me up and cannot talk to me, and I have to talk to him. I know he cannot help it, that he cares and doesnt realise for the most part his illness in those ways, but when someone you know sleeps all day and all night - to me its like a sign that they just give up- that there is nothing in them to do - theyve got no passion or anything etc. If you know what I mean. And the thing is that people's personas- feelings rub off on us and that is why I get defensive and angry.

I just feel like going over and yelling at him, telling him what I think about him, about the way he lives that contributes to him being like that. That his dopamine levels are basically getting ruined by his ice habit - not to mention everything else ... i have no tolerance for a person on that stuff and yet he still is in my life and it makes me so angry sometimes. And all the smoking he does and the way he eats. He sets himself up for depression. But its the not being able to concentrate on things - that makes everything a dis-value - like the only things he has pleasure in are quick fixes of stimuli - of things that dont actually have substance and earning etc. Which are the things that I take for value. Goals and being independent and learning about my self development etc. Working hard to be happy. Being responsible and conscious of that.
Not blind and so on. Yes he has an illness, but you know- he should note that having a friend that decides to sleep almost all day and night - is concerning. And Im just tired of making it his issues my concern.

Woah I just read that back. I guess Im just annoyed all the time - I hold it in me. Its like he still thinks we are together and its just his lack of so many things in his life and esp responsibility. I have to carry so much all the time. And it sounds like I put such a big deal on something so silly like sleeping and I am, but its the whole things behind all of that. Its like Im sick, so im not there - so he will just sleep instead kinda thing.
He lives thru other people and yet has a huge delusion of grandeur and low self-esteem.

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Most people eat processed foods.
And he went to bed at like 7 last night. Got up at like 8 in the morning, and has basically slept most of the day. And now has gone back to bed at 6:30 at night.
I ask if he is depressed and bored
ITs like he will just neglect everything like he cannot entertain himself with anything
but when someone you know sleeps all day and all night - to me its like a sign that they just give up- that there is nothing in them to do - theyve got no passion or anything etc
But its the not being able to concentrate on things - that makes everything a dis-value - like the only things he has pleasure in are quick fixes of stimuli - of things that dont actually have substance and earning etc
huge delusion of grandeur and low self-esteem
I have most of that. For eg i went to bed 5.30-6pm last evening (as was bored) & got up (but still in bed) at 10am. I like that, as it means i have the least amount possible of hours to fill (with nothing much). Yesterday i struggled to fill-in 2 hrs & then i was bored again, but still had hours to go before dark/night/bed.
I don't enjoy much, if anything, and i'm seldom if ever truly relaxed.


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So I just wonder if I should be concerned or not. I mean I guess o know there is nothing I can do but he basically slept almost 48 hours lol.

If your uneased , anxious and bored I guess sleeping doesn't seem that bad. I think I did in the past used to sleep quite a bit during depression and anxiety and I guess I just think of it as depression like giving up on the world for a day a night or two.

I questioned him and he told me today that because he has quit Facebook because it triggers him ( he would otherwise be spending every hour randomly looking up people and trying to judge if they are changing their cover photos and stuff and relating it to him thinking they don't use he platform like he did pitying millions of selfies and daily videos of things he does like going for walks.. he would spend hours and hours looking up and blocking people - typing in random names. )

So now he's not on fb or even instagram accept his guitar stuff one. So he is left with a big gap and gets anxious and it's cold so he just sleeps.

It's just hard to not judge I guess. I can't really relate to that. But he came over this morning feeling better he had a sleep but I could tell how anxious he was he only stayed for like 5 mins - I'm in bed with the flu tho. But for the last few days he's had issues with not being able to talk much at all. I know there's a name for that and it's a general symptom. But he's so anxious. It's like he's looking for something to fix it but doesn't have the ability or mental energy to think of something to put attention to other than going home and so called cleaning his room , because I might come over tomorrow- which I told him I likely won't as I still have the flu. But that's wht he does goes home and ' cleans his room' and then when I've got over there his room is not the clean that most would consider ect.

Sure I have compassion, but I just lack the energy to give socially to a friend who can't give socially back and can't help themself. What I mean is he'll come over or ring up and I'll have to gather energy to talk to him because he basically can't talk at all. Or I'll have to initiate things. And he's got no money to do anything too. It's just so much energy for him and it's hard when he can't have that normal flow much you get with people I guess.

I don't really understand sleeping to pass up time. I've wasted most of my life with severe social phobia and agoraphobia and low self esteem. Not having a life for 14 years was my life. But I can understand when your in the thick of anxiety and depression and need to shutout the world. But I always did that with a motivation to move forward in the near future to something better.

I guess thats the thing. He is a sick man, his symptoms are on the heavy end really. His father was his overseer before he died last year but even so, he wasnt getting the help he needed then. Im the type of person that has to try to fix everything and it becomes quite irritating to see someone in distress like that and not be able to really help them to help themselves really.

I mean he has all this inner belief stuff and delusions which create him to act strangely but also to suffer. Yes its a brain disorder but I just wish that he could have CBT or something like that, even just to see a general therapist to talk all about these thoughts and feelings. Yet its so hard with him as he is so sensitive and so defensive in even talking about them anyways. Heis unlikely to let a stranger in on his inner demons.

He thinks he is above everyone anyways. Yet he is really just suffering more than he should.

Anyways. All this stuff I just have to turn a blind eye to as it plagues me and gives me stress. I need to take a seat back and leave it be. But thats the thing that he wont do that to me. His friendship can be too intense and I dont get one day without hearing from him and him having to come over. Accept if he is preoccupied with his friend from in town.
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Im finally just about over my flu. im at 85-90 percent. Its been a rotten 7 -10 days. 7 of them bed bound. Thats honestly the worst flu I think ive had since a child. IT was horrific. Im happy ive come out of it and feel alert now and alive lol.

Just ive also got this lingering of body issues thats now just overcome me and making me quite anxious and depressed and feeling like I need to go and project that onto everyone I know, esp those - ie rrugs' that dont give me space and forget my boundaries.

I just feel stressed and defeated and angry a little because before rugs i was finally after so many many years - I was in my health zone and thriving. I was out of my food addictions and completely into freedom of my health lifestlye. I felt and looked better than I ever had.

And then he comes into my life and its all been down hill. And now Im like I have my own space a little now and yet I am still plagued by him being dependent on me to cure his boredom each day. Every single day its me having to make time for him, having to see him or if thats not possible - its phone calls and messages. Not that he talks tho, literally. He just rings up and theres quiet. I conjure the energy to fill the awkward silence.

Im so used to having him come over and ivade my life that I feel its hard to even attempt to pursue my own goals because most of the time Im thinking about him and his issues that he doesnt know he has. IOr doesnt realise how dysfunctional he can be. I always am feeling sad for him and having to not mentally go there and want to help because its too much. What I mean is he will just sleep all day like a depressed person if im busy and he cant cant over. Its like hes literally only got a few things he does and thats it. No goals, no independence- just people to be around. Hell desperatly come over and even tho im wanting to do my own things- i dont want to be rude and make me depressed so i let him stay. Hes okay - just its the same nearly every single day im not working - and I only work 2 days a week. He comes over and just goes on his phone and doesnt talk to me. I talk to him and its yep, yep, yep. I make an effort to be present with him and he either cant or just doesnt want to. Its just so annoying to have someone still invade your life and you give them your precious time and they cant give back to you in their full presence because they are ill.

I just really need him to back off. Give me my life back.

He was off all social media for some time, like a few weeks. And had been really anxious and so on. And now hes back on it again with avengence. He thinks he gets too dark on social media and becomes nasty to people. Thats why he stays away and then comes back. Does the same thing every few months.
But since the other day, and he goes back on there, its completely indulgement and excessive for him. Hes gone through all his photos - millions of them and picked out stuff and put them all on his instagram and so on in a few days. And when I see all that, like the old photos its pretty hard to not belittle him in my mind. He loves his old photos of himself, esp ones eith the cut outs of people with him. Just he makes this all emcompassing - the social media stuff. He cant do casual leisure thing thats fun and can switch it off kinda thing. He does mind games with his delsusions and projects them on there. Looking up all these random people. Just to see his photos always jolts m and makes me feel sick. Because you realise how much of reality is not with him and weird tase is in things and also how much grandiose he sees himself. Plus hes stuck in the 90s.

Anyways - I already know all this. When you cringe at someone like that - like at the online stuff that freaks you out- you naturally want to have a distance and stay away and try to curb ball your so******ing with that person. Only I know him and he can seem normal and fun despite his craziness and lack of things. Hes in my face everyday and night and its stressing me out still.

Ive been ill with the flu and he still turns up and comes over. I was asleep in my bed and it was 9:00 and he drives over and knocks, and enters my room and wakes me up with that. Then proceeds to just sit down and go on his phone, leaving me there unable to go back to sleep - ill with the flu and having to try and be polite and make conversation with him.

Im just so tired of it.

I cant do friends and be social with anyone when Im not feeling okay in my body and my body image. And that has been my problem for most if not my whole life. Its been pockets of bdd. Thats left me housebound for years and years. And trying to get my health and body image into confidence to begin beins social again. I just cant seem to do it without that.

And usually in my history thats happened so many times. I end up feeling low, getting fat, and just not wanting to go out and then becoming severely socially phobic to the point where going out to just go shopping, that kind of thing is something very hard. And esp anything to do with any men or guys around.

But the difference is now is ruussell is in my life. SO he can potentially be a lifesaver for me despite my grievances. He helps me not get to that again. only I just need my space to live my life how I want it without him leaching on me.


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My first day back at work since I was unwell for over a week with a really bad case of the flu. I feel I have a bit more back bone in energy than I did before the flu. I think I always had a bit of flu in me from ages ago that never really left and tho, perhaps this last one help rid. Haha, thats sounds so looney.

Well, Im having a crisis with my whole health thing. I never ever am on any kind of good track in my life when Im down in the dumps about the way Im eating and how its affecting my health and my body image, my physical image. Im not that fussy really about my body, not like I used to be. But Ive been quite over-weight many times in my life and I fear it when I feel out of control and start to binge on certain foods because Im stressed and anxious. It makes me those things stressed and anxious - its a cycle of addictive chemicals and sugar and so on that in my mind I grab the whole lot and binge it to get rid of it and for excitement. I used to do this constantly for most of my life, well the fat times. Id been fat in my early 20s, then skinny, then fat again years later .. etc. I was fat for 7-8 years- weighing in at the last point at 92 kg and only at 55cm tall. Thats was 2014-15 and then I started my first job lol (yes thats right), and then I russell was friendly to me and we had a good laugh and I started to not be afraid of men, and it prompted me to just want to desperately loose that weight and made me conscious to do so with deep belief I would everyday and I began eating a whole lot of raw foods which was such a freedom as I could eat heaps. Of course Id balance it with my cooked dinner and salad. Just the thing is , now Im not even there. Its so dis-hearting to me that the one thing I was over the moon about and in control over finally and felt physically so bright and energetic and clean inside lol, and skinny - that became my identity. I was the raw vegan. I mean, Im still the person people ask for health advice and so on. But Im not living the dream anymore and I just so want to get back to it again- desperately. When I felt cleansed inside and thriving on the raw foods and being active, I felt amazing. Right now I feel fat and bloated and addicted to chemicals in crappy foods that make me feel bad and make me put on weight too. Its not that I binge that often, just lately - with all this russell stuff just gets to me alot. Its just I have made my body more sensitive of processed foods because of how Ive eaten in the past and I know what it feels like to be super healthy. I just feel like I need to shed this part of my life im in for something new. And Ive done this many times. I know kinda what to do. I just find it hard because I dont sit too well when Im not healthy-happy and yet have to expad that energy to russell and to work etc. Ive just gotta weave my way around it all.
I really want to make drastic positive changes in my life. I dont want to be half decently okay with my life and fret with stress because its not authentic. I cant really even tolerate russell stuff and the grossness of his wierdness of his life and how it impacts mine. I want to be able to stand up for my authentic self and live through it. Then I can tolerate those things and have the courage to stand for my own values and tastes too.

Erghh. Im in this roundabout atm of what Ive heard called 'the Pleasure Trap'. Which is about the dopamine response to processed rich foods, the cycle. I just wnat to get out of it and be free. Something happens whe you do. And its a good thing.

I got stressed these last few days tho as russell mentions he is back on social media after 3 weeks off it. He was all anxious and bored at home whilst I was unwell, so he went back on it as he cant find himself to do anything. he gets on there and finds one guy hes been friends with on there that he doesnt know personally but has spoen with about guitar stuff for a year or 2. He finds that this man has changed his long standing profile picture from a man with a guitar to him and his dog. And this has somehow set off russell and made him really angry and things. Like offended. I try to quietly mention - ask him whats the anger about, and then say he could benefit from a therapist. But hes all in about his own mental world to even listen. He just cant even question his thoughts and it makes me feel like belittling him.

Then tonight I go on his instagram and hes put a picture of jesus that says 'believe' and then a cut out picture of me- from behind walking and stuck me on water. Then wrote that he believes in love. Now that is freaky and strssing to me and things Im used to his weird mindscape. You just want to shake sense into him, but he is far too gone. He almost like an autistic person lately.

Either way, I should think about myself first, have compassion for me and then others- not the other way around. Got to have your tank full. I know I will be telling him not to put me on a pedastool and that picture freaked me out and so on tomorrow. I will tell him that I dont understand a thing going on in his mind, I never know what is going on most of the time because he never says anything and acts all funny. I will tell him that it doesnt make sense at all to get upset about someone deciding to update thier photo. There are so many things I just want to yell at him for because they repel me so badly. Esp all those old photos , even the cut out ones he decides to spend days uploading on instagram and so on. Its very self indulgent and very sad.

And I hate how he tells me Im a bad photographer. Cause I am way better than him. He takes like photos of roads and the sun etc.. he takes 20 of the same photo and uploads them to his social sites. He thinks its his ingenious way of bettering people on there or something.

I dont know - but its so hard to relieve the stress from him when its all that. I just want to scream what I think. Hell if I were like he is and he didnt have this mental issue - im sure he wouldnt tolerate it and go else where.
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Hey Lowest - thanks for caring. : )

Yeah just get stressed over Russell stuff. I had a good day at work and he came over in the afternoon with his sister. I talked with his sister for a while and he was unable to talk, quite abrupt and hesitant looking in his mind. you know, like things were going on and he was unaware of being like that. Then he sits and just pulls these ridiculous kinda pouty face trying to look attractive for the copius amount of selfies he was taking in front of us. It was irritating. Then he takes a photo of his sister in my bedroom and then takes photos of things in my bedroom and then uploads them all then and there onto Instagram without asking or even mentioning. So when they left I had to write and tell him off that I felt like I had no boundaries with him and he should have asked. I didnt want my messy bedroom photos uploaded to the internet. I like my privacy and my bedroom is my sanctuary you know. Yet I still never get privacy because he drives over often in the morning and just walks in my room and Im like still asleep. He gives me no choice but to just get so irritated and frustrated. Sure yes, I be the bigger person all the time, and I do try to be assertive. But there is only so much assertiveness can go with someone so tied up in such a worse case of schizophrenia- hes just in a stage right now where hes not there - like hes not present with people and cant talk and cant laugh and just gets so up himself about perfecting his social pages so they reflect how he thinks about himself and how he wants others to feel about him, wants to make them do as he says ' a higher level of facebook' and he gets so angry at people because they change thier profiles. Like its crazy literally. He cant stand in the light of reality, of questioning himself. He is just in anxiety all the time. High ego of himself and anxious and depressed. Then he is nice and not at all aware of his behaviour like that and I know that these are just symptoms of his condition. But anyways- Im standing up for myself so much more and being ruthless with being assertive and its getting through a bit- at least today. But he needs to know that I cant tolerate this dependency and this constantly having to ring up and come over every-single-day and night. I need a break and im not his gf even tho now he seems to think i still am.

An then that was how lego was made lol : P
I didn't get the last part about the lego. (?)

But doesn't HE change his profile all the time? Yet he gets annoyed when others do so?

Ps: I asked how you were in chat, as i saw you in there, which i seldom do, but you didn't reply, so it posted it in your thread, so that you would see it. :)
I just was in the mood to engage with people; i didn't want to stop!


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lol - I dont get majority of what I write. I think I was using a metaphor in the heat of the raging lady syndrome of pms haha.

Sorry Lowest, Ive never really noticed chat lol. Great to be social, even if its on here. I like this forum very kind people. : )