Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Well went for a walk with him today. Such a nice warm autumn day. Our home town has an island with a bridge to it. Its very touristy. Always busy. Also have horse drawn trams that take tourists accross. We walked there today. Very nice. JUst even though its all good- and I can see so many things about him that indicate to me an illness like his clothing and hygiene and so on, Im still his friend but its the toxic smell still of hairspray, cigarettes and dederant and other stuff that hit me for six and just from him sitting in my car and then going for a walk with him- I end up today with a major front lobe headache and a feeling like my body is breaking down. Ive just always been very sensitive to chemicals. Im going over to his place tonight to watch a marathon of films and netflix but I know tht Im sacrificing my health to do so as Ill be in his toxic environment. Its not fair because when I feel like yeah just going out and having a little company and watching shows and having a laugh and knowing that he will be sensitive to my needs - and be nice etc.. nad having a friend for a laugh is good for me- but then its just all that toxicity that affects me really badly. It puts me back physically the next day or so. Im not sure what to do. Its like I really dont want to go over there beause Im hanging with a looney lol seriously- and his sister is just as bad- so their whole mentality on things and values and so on - I keep a huge distance from, and then all the toxcity. He smokes well away from me outside and around the corner and yet its still all on his clothes and the tobacco smell from his cigarette drawer and smell of dog wees and ice coffee, hairspray, dry dog shampoo or flea powder ?, deoderant etc... mainly the cigarettes - it just ruins me.

 

[grapevine]

Trying to live an authentic life but can't hack the hard yards to be really honest and do what needs to be done really. I mean I really do feel rugs is part of my life in a big way now, he really makes big leaps and efforts with me- particularly when I tell him too. But he is not bf material for me- and besides that though, he is around me 24/7 still whether it be by messaging, phoning, by coming around everyday- by going for 1-2 walks everyday.. There is a homely thing about him that leaves holes when its not there because Im so used to having to place him in my everyday life. Of course at the same time I cherrish my own independence and things and really feel like he interferes somewhat with his own need to be around me that I many times feel like I cannot get my own feet off the floor and start my own things because he is in the way. But it doesnt take much tho for me to say something that I need space - for him to stay back at least for a day or so in his world. The thing is it feels like Im still his partner, my self esteem has gone down since Ive been sick since last year and Im just busy building back my immune system and nutrition and my energy and so on after what I now think was Chronic Fatigue and not exactly Adrenal Fatgue because it all started with a flu that never left really the start of last year- combined with stress from being his partner and dealing with his illness and overdoing too many things mainly on his time- and in his toxic environment- (chemical sensitive me)- I think my immune system perished and I ended up with the flu for a whole year. Just walking a few metres made me breathless and exausted. A whole year out of being sick - and it sucked big time. Now Ive only just since this year, had my rest at home, stayed away from rugs place except once a week and started juicing every single day. Ive paced myself and cut out all processed foods too. And am now just starting to feel like Im getting better. Juicing is an awesome power to the body.
The thing is though, even though we are just friends since January or when ever that was. Since he decided that- after he read a comment on my private fb account at the time - which was only connected to his- something that I just used as my own reference to links and a kind if expressive diary- (which now I have stopped as it became a little timely). I wrote about how disturb I was about a someone in my life nameing noone in particular and how the things that cause emmense stress in me that I cannot understand that a person dies etc.. it was something like that. He read that and got very upset back in January or when ever and then sent me a message that he couldnt be my bf if I felt that way about the things he dies in his life. SO I was quite relieved really as I knew it wasnt right for me to be his partner - in having compassion for myself - I blew it all big time and was suffering greatly - more than he could imagine. It was literally making me so unwell and my parents could see it severely. So since then, weve been friends and its good to have a friend so loyal like that. To have someone so laid back and that you dont really have to make an effort and can just be yourself. But then again- at the same time when Im around him- Im not being my full self - I feel I shrink when Im around him- to be on his level and its really immature or its me just talking about myself and my goals. He doesnt talk much as its part of his condition.
The thing is that it still feels very much like a bf-gf relationship and I dont want that at all- it gives me painful feelings like heartache because I can see it in his eyes how he really cares for me alot. And I care for him too - but as much as Id like to feel the same way- I cant be attracted to all the things Im not attracted to that dominate so much of who he is. On one level- the guy I was attracted to before I really knew him- is this caring man that goes out of his way for people and is understanding and down to earth. Yet then on the other is all the other stuff that has diminated my journal on here - those things I dont want in my life.
So I think about how do I make things right in this situation? I know I have to be authentic with myself and with him- and let him know that there is no chance. I think he knows that for the short term, but I just cannot break his heart. I just want to be his friend, yet there is that other level that is still there that is comforting but filled with nasties as well. For the time being Im not up for any relationship - even friends really. Im just really plotting along trying to get my health together and my self esteem up so I can start again. When my self esteem is down, Im not one to be social and I feel I need to feel like Im in control and get a hold of getting on the right track to being my best self and having my identity as authentic and self caring as I can before I can approach new beginings and friendships really. I like to have that as my core. I feel like my social phobia for all those years were aboutme feeling ashamed of my identity and having a bad one- not knowing who I was and just basically putting myself on the scrapheap. Once I started caring for myself and pushing my boundaries, things changed. And that is what I am trying to do again - tho Im really still just trying to get over this physical illness first and foremost as its been debilitating.
I just with rugs, I try to step away from him and his world because its small and misunderstood- its all about his mind and delusions and being like a child in respects of not being able to be responsibile like an adult and plan things and stuff like that. When I look for a partner - I look for a guy that is responsible and able to be a provider and like a rock - its a things- and hes just unfortunately got so many holes there and in so many other areas that I have to pick up those peices and take them on myself which was an awful lot to deal with and completely unfair. Even as a friend I find I have to almost play a parent role with him as he gets himself in pickles.
I have faith that in time things will work out. But I realise that we are creating memories though as we go along and it is all a double edge sword. He seems devoted utterly to me and yet I need to move on yet at the same time having feelings for him that are familiar and that he knows me and everything - yet he has all that other stuff that is repulsive to me at the same time that I cannot ever be with him, and yet Im with him as a friend - which I enjoy I dont mind though it needs to be scaled back as I feel bombarded still. But I dont want to hurt his feelings. Me hving this anxiety disorder - Ive been getting these diving off a cliff feeling of heartache when I think about what happens if oneday I find a guy I am attracted to that is not rugs and how is he going to react to that? And I think about how I could have a guy and havea family and all that - and then that I cant because it would cause so much pain to him..
and then I think its not fair because I am doomed to him- its not fair that I have feelings for him because he is there everyday and night around me in some way and that I am so close and so used to him- I think I wish he was a normal guy with a great job that was a vegan too and didnt smoke or do drugs and loved the same values that I do and was healthy etc..
then again he is who he is and I shouldnt destroy that. But its just distressing and I feel so frustrated at times that I just want to hide out in bed and just be alone you know. I guess he doesnt and hasnt ever given me time to even have a breather. To actually have my own time to myself as everyday is planned to go fora walk with him, there is messaging every night and day at every moment. Its full on and its annoying at times too. Alot of the time I just need solidarity to just be able to start things at random and not have to wait on him and take time out for him - that sort of thing. But everyday its kind of in my face. Itsa good and a bad at the same time.
I guess I just am on the fence in this relationship as I dont wantt o spoil it- I like him but I cant be his gf - but I kinda have to be honest and say I like feeling close and having that relationship because I do care and there is a closeness there- but he is so damn ill and cant see those things and there are so many cringes with him. I guess what I need to do is tell him I need space and then I need to tell him later that we are just freinds and so on.
Its just he is an easy person despite his things- to get along with. Its very laid back and I dont have to worry about being silly or him being assertive and that sort of thing. I dont have to worry about impressing him or anything like that. Its a laid back thing and its okay when Im not really wanting to be social at all. We just go for walks and enjoy it. And Im getting better and better in my health. But Im leading him on I dont know. I feel so confused in what the right thing to do is and i feel like perhaps through time and through instincts and listening to my own self compassion needs - putting myself first - that things will work out. Finding in my higher self what is the right thing to do will come to me. I guess I just need to know where he stands in my life and how to make things right. I hope maybe we may come to see each other like family or something and nothing really romantic or so. But I feel like he has claimed me and Ill never get loose. Like the clock ticks on me ever having a family and all that- and he is there to be broken by me. I dont know, it just is quite hurtful to 'go there' I guess.
I just want to muddle it away and forget about it.

 

[theslowesthand]

It does seem like at the moment you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
But give it time. I'm sure things will work out for you, by following your instincts, intuition & higher self.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks Lowest. I think so too. Im sure that when I push my own things in my life - it will go a different way to him and even though Ill still be there and be a friend, he will be able to see how different we are and maybe encourage him to go his way too, do his things, but yet still be good friends. Hopefully it will come to a good place. Im just happy Im not in a partnership with him even though it slightly feels the same because he is so dependent. I dont think I even realise how much Ive mirrored him on that too. But he knows there is this whole big pain area where conflict is inevitable with my judgements on him and his mental health that really throws fireballs at my sanity and own health and that he cant understand. So that is why there is really this elephant in the room with this friendship even though he likes to act on more. I just want things to be okay. And I hope they will be in time. I think its dependent on me being authentic and kind to myself and spreading that. I dont think anything other than that I can do that will achieve anything good.

 

[grapevine]

Well okay. Last night I had acute pain in my kidneys and acute pain in my stomach. I didnt know if it were something I had eaten or a juice I had made - perhaps a food germ or if it were some kind of bug-flu thing. It was horrible but I managed to sleep it through to come out of it this morning free of it. No juice this morning even though I have been loving taking that habit back up and it loves me back mostly. Just a warm lemon water instead before breakfast.

So on Saturday, it was rugs bday and we went to this big open zoo - the largest I think in Australia perhaps. I didnt have to pay a thing, I didnt have to use my car- it was really good. He had a voucher his mum printed for him from xmas and also pay from his mum too so that I didn't have to pay ( because I had paid for everything for him since Id known him and its not been fair at all). So I didnt worry about a thing - except the days before I helped clean his car inside to extreme to rid of the terrible smoking he had done in it - I used bicarb soda/vinegar/eucalyptus oil etc.. I vaccumed, I wiped down everything.. I put an absorber bowl of crystals in overnight to absorb any smells. Cause the thing was that I could not sit in that car without getting really sick. Because he had smoked in it all the time. It was a shame because its a new car his mum won a few years back and really good to use rather than my old little buggy thats getting on now. So I really cleaned that inside and it made me happy as I could actually sit in there and not get sick.
Before it was a heated air inside with a very strong smell that wouldnt go away. But now its gone and if he wants me to go with him to things every now and then, then he needs to not smoke in that car. He hasnt and says he wont but I hope he doesnt. Cause its not fair to me.
I cant use my car all the time anymore. And I choose not to too. I dont blindly cater for him like I did once and then have so much resentment. Ive been comfortable in even telling him these things now. He cant really believe what I let him get away with and how he blinded went with it. Me just basically taking him out all the time and buying him food and living with him- not having any time for myself. I feel talking to him over these things regardless of whether it hurts him or not I want to do haha.

So the thing is on Saturaday - his bday and I dont have to do a thing for once. And he drove us to the zoo and we get there and he hands over his printed voucher and the lady says that he has to of booked it first to be able to get in...
Im like in my mind here we go.. because that wouldnt of happened to me- because he never bothers and hasnt the concentration to actually read things. And his mother should have read that and known that and helped him but shes just an enabler and never helps him and bes responsible like that. So we had to try and book online and it wouldnt let us for that day because you have to book in advance. So we were stuck and I ended up paying $70 from my card for both of us that day which was like opening an old wound. It really dampened my spirits. Id been in that space before so many times. I felt quite upset inside - though I didnt show it outside as it was his bday and his insecurity of not being able to be responsible was huge. But he told me he would pay me back- which he has never really ever paid me back for things- so it sucked so much. But in my mind I was like - yeah he is going to pay me back and I am going to put that back into my bank. So he ended up paying me back from his mum the next day, so I was ookay and releaved because I couldnt take more resentment and feeling wronged again. I mean, that concert we went to the start of last year which cost $100 each and he never paid me back even though he said he would at the time in 20s. That was never and has never been paid back and he doesnt have any money any way and a drug habit too. I mean it sucked and all those times before where I spent on him all the time. You cant go out with someone who wants to go out to things and yet that person has no money- you end up paying for everything. He was so delusded he didnt even realise - or maybe he was using me I dont know. But there is still resentment there to pick up with.
All I know is that I dont want him as a partner and yet he acts like he is still. I want alot of space and yet he wants to get out his house and go somewhere and see me everyday and so on. Go for walks everyday, ring me up many times a day. I mean, yeah its company and its okay. I just dont like the dependency and the feeling like Im going out with him. I mean I kind of went overboard with presents for him for his bday again. Even though it was cheap things- it added up to be quite alot of stuff when I put it together and it kind of made it seem like I was really into him in a way because of that. But I just always get a thrill and get carried away with anxiety a little when I do presents and over do myself.






You know its nice to have someon love you and all and to have company but when that someone uses you for company all the time- constantly and ringing you up constantly because they cant stand being alone at night and want to come over all the time. Its just selfish really without actually realising. And theres a word for a person like that within a relationship and that is that your like thier babysitter. I just always feel so screwballed inside because he never ever gives me a break of solitude for a period of a day or so unless his circumstances mean he is doing something else that excites him. Im just so tired of feeling so between myself - liking that someone actually likes me - a guy is actually inlove with me and yet also not liking that guy in that way- but more of a family or close friend. Someone I can help and can have fun times with. But its not what I want in a relationship. I cant handle a person with a severe brain disorder that finds it extremely hard to be responsible on the simplest levels and lives on impulse with no planning or concentration etc.. because what happens is I end up taking all of that brunt of that lack of and its extremely exausting and I did that and I completely burnt myself that a whole year and a bit I was very sick. Now its like were just friends, and I completely back off. Yet I have no boundaries and privacy from him really. These days he is so much more understanding and complying to me - but how do I be upfront and honest with him about all this you know. It disturbs me al the time as its like if only he was a guy that had an actually healthy life and could provide and wasnt ill and had different genetics - that sounds so bad. And what happens if I get the confidence to approach guys you know. Hes there and hes relentless with contact constantly. I dont mind it that much. I mean I kind of edge it on in a way- I always like a laugh and so on. But when he comes over in the afternoon and then an hour later rings up to tell me he feels really good in the moment after having a shower and wants to come over again - and when Ive just had tea and just put on a film with my folks - he is very interfering. Its like I cannot have my own life. Hes even coming to the Xavier Rudd concert with me despite the last one he never paid me and I have deep resentments about. Hes not even into his music- he just wants to come because im going and its something for him to do. He literally cannot go and lead his own life. He cant entertain himself with goals or hobbies really. And thats what I hate because he is using me, using my time too much just to aid his own boredem and so on. He likes to get photos of my property on his instagram to say hes done something today. He thinks we have done an aweful lot of things - thinking that going for a walk in the day is a huge thing or something idk.
But whilst he is intruding his own insecurities of not wanting to be alone and boredom onto me - Im wanting freedom and wanting to escape into my own goals of not wanting to be who I am atm and desperatly wanting to change again. I am on my way to health again and juicing everyday, ive quite processed foods and Im wanting to now get into exercise (on my own) once again. Once that all comes together I start to feel confident a little when my bdd doesnt interfere. And from there I want to try to push myself into authenticity of the things im passionate about. I want to really achieve things again- perhaps study nutrition or something like that. I got to a point before I ruggle was in my life everyday - that I fuly believed and achieved in myself things I thought I never could. SO I know how powerful I can be if I channel my life into things. I lived a life of not doing that and once I realised the key was to look after my confidence first, things just went from there. Its just hes always here and its so confusing for me. The other thing is he comes here but doesnt talk most of the time too, so its like why are you taking up my time.
Hes genuine and so on. But he needs structure and help and not go on impulse all the time. His mum is hopeless - she should be helping and guiding him - instead she is an enabler.
I hate listening to romantic music these days- it makes me feel sick. I just dont know how to get my boundaries back. Back when he was someone I only visited once a month or something before I knew him, I was happy that at least I could go back to my world and be away from him. But I just cant get away from him even for a day. He is always around. I used to have a thing that if I saw any guy I would try to feel good and comb my hair in advance and those sort of things, now tho he comes even when I ask him not to - when I tell him Im not feeling well and I just want a rest and Im just not up for a walk.. hes like Ill come over anyways.. I jsut need some space. To be myself. Because when you are around someone, they influence your actions and your mind. And I want to concentrate on myself and getting places and feeling authentic. Its very hard when there is someone quite dominant almost like trying to live your own life. It makes me so irritated and feel invaded and hopeless at times. Like I just cant have my independent life.But how do you even go about saying this to someone. I do like having the company but it feels like we are going out still and I dont want that - it freaks me out and its wrong. At the same time I like being loved and feel things but not like that. That whole romance things is all shut down.

The thing i that when soeone bombards you everyday and night with wanting to not be alone, and when that person has severe delusions and paranoia and grandiosity and you just cant take it - when you dont get your free time because its taken up by the anxiety of him rocking up or ringing up and not really ever not doing so, when you cant really start things becaudse of that.

The thing is that you need to mourn the friendship and be grownup enough to try to move on with your life, because what your doing is moving further away from who you are because your spending too much time around a person who hasnt the same values as you and your actually stopping things that allow you to grow and be independent and be your own person. it gets lost around that person because he is unable to be aware of his own intentions and dependency on you and has a severe lack of reality to name a few things not in his life.

 

[grapevine]

Funny to say but ever so often when I write on here about something that is bugging me, sometimes the universe gives me what I want. Here I am the last few entries going on about wanting ruggles out of my skin and just needing time to myself. And I go to work and know in my mind that I will be seeing him in the late afternoon when I knock off as he always has to come over and we go for a walk. When Im desperately exhausted and hungry for my dinner. I make the time for him. I have to fit him in because he is there and I dont mind the outing and company, but the daylight goes and so like I said- gotta fit it in.

Its everyday, even when Im not working. Ive literally worked myself up with some anxiety and tenseness because I know he always has to come over. Everyday. And I feel like my days are in these lots of time, with alot of them having to be used up with him. When I want to start something myself with no time constraints. And when I even do start things in the day, its like I still have to cater for him and go for walks and sometimes that is like a complete added exhaustion on top of the other things Ive been physically or mentally doing. I pretty much can see why I burnt myself out.

But then like today and Im thinking about ruggs all day as I get some things from work for him and his sister each week, Im always aware of the time and thinking well Id better rush because he will be at my place and even want to go for a walk in the dark - which now is too cold. But rather than take my time at work Im just thinking about the time and all that because of him. And then later he tells me as I rush home and decide not to go to the shops to get things as the time constraint. I get home awaiting him so I can give him these things from work as I enjoy that. But then he lets me know that his friend is over, this drug guy and that they are doing their guitar. So on one had, I have time to myself like I wanted and the universe responed lol. On the other all that tenseness to come home to get something out of it, and all that anxiety of him so dependent to not be alone all the time and having to always ring up and come over and then come back or ring up even after 20 mins of leaving. It just leaves me with this whole anxiety and then to allow that time for him and he just go and leave me all alone because of some drug friend. I guess it just shows how used to I am of him bombarding me and yet realising a lot of it is him needing people so he is never alone. He is scared of being alone I think.

Anyways not a peep from him tonight. So rare. It just is aggravating because I always want my space like a normal person. He is always interfering and yet like tonight, he has someone else so he is completely leaving me alone. If I were him how he is to me, Id be ringing up right now ( but I dont like ringing up lol) and Id be messaging.

See at my place there is a home phone for my deaf mum and its so uncomfortable when rugs rings that phone - its a loud phone and Ive had a phone phobia since I were a kid. Its alot better now, but it puts fear into me each ring. And when I turn my mobile off and want to be left alone, when I write to him to tell him I am doing something etc.. he heardly ever reads my message and just rings up instead. I cant get away from him unless I specifically be ultra assertive and clear and I dont like being like that. If my mobile is off or im not responding, he goes straight to my home phone. And my mum rushes up and so on to answer as she has always had that swiftness and panic when it rings. She cant hear on the phone and panics and hands it to me. Thats where all this came from my phobia.

I feel like even though tonight im free for once, Im so used to him contacting his every move, ringing me up without actually being able to talk because of his illness. Im always switched onto catering for him rather than myself.

So even tho im free tonight, it feels empty and yet I know thats fine, but trying to start my own thing- Im not used to it and I know I may not most likely get the time back again like I have tonight.

So the other thing, well to remember Ive got to realise that is very dominant in being around me all the time, so theres him in person and yes he has isues- but he is okay. And then there is still all this online stuff that if I see that makes me fall into this slow feeling of intense cringe and frustration. The fact that he is the closest person to me, cause he pushes that and I just go along with it.. that he is insane when you see all his online things- even small things - but big things to me.

For instance, he will have in his facebook page that he is a general officer at Facebook. And he has this big string of weird things he supposedly does for a living, all completely belated and so on and not making sense. And then, there are those photos- the millions of selfies that he needs to put there because he thinks people want them. Thinks he is famous or people are out to get him. All these what he would call 'riddles'. All his delusions that are so entrenched. To see those things really really does stress me out. Makes me upset and feel frustrated and repelled. Its just so stressfull. There is nothing I can do to show him sense. He is so deluded in the mind, and when your in person with him there are things to acknowledge that he is not all there indeed, but to see it online shows all the stuff you dont see in person and it can be truamatic to see even though you know its there.

I dont want him as a boyfriend. We are just friends, but it seems like its more and I hate that- only because he is opposite to me in so many ways and because he is crazy.
Ive basically been naive again. But this time let the only close friend I have get too close and its a crazy person.

Also its all this value stuff that I hold- he is like the anti-christ to it.
And one of them is he has to put on his fb page (which is fine, its his space) and put on all these photos of sexed up mainly naked women. Those are my pet hates. As well as smoking, drugs etc...

Anyways.

 

[grapevine]

Last night I had some bad bdd and big slide in confidence. Its something that had been affecting me a bit all week in the background and coming out when I was home. When Id see myself in the mirror- that sort of thing.

So, as rugs always rings me on average of 2 -3 times a night, he used to message me- now its just phoning and its mainly because his issues at night time and problems being alone - not to mention I think because last year this time of the year was when he found his father past away. Yet when he rings, he hardly says a word and its awkward silence - I have to find the energy to fill.

Anyways, it was messaging now I remember. lol. Anyways he was asking how I was and I said I was having a bit of an issue with my bdd. And I started to talk about a few things and how silly they were. I was generally just feeling low and so on. We had a good discussion about, well I was telling him about the sexist images of nude women he was posting on his social media and how sure he can do those things - but I just have a huge pet hate to them and a disrespect for people who post them as its using women as physical objects and does alot of harm to us, ladies and girls. Its really to me, quite disrespectful and immature to have those images on your pages- but anyway.
Yes Im a little passionate about that. But the conversation turned into him trying to explain ranks of beauty or something like that idk., he was saying that if I wanted to go out with the singer i like than I would have to work really hard to get him or if he wanted to go out with Pamela Anderson he would have to work hard to get her.
Well that just made me irritated because he is on some completely different mindscape to me. I told him I disagreed with everything he had just said and kind of left it to that.

But it made me bdd soar so muc as I have a self image problem and it made me go back in time to things ive perhaps obscured in my memory of when he told me things back when I went out with him years ago at the begining and how he told me to my face how he had been out with pretty and very pretty girls and that now it was time to settle down as he was getting older, and also when he told me that I needed to start wearing makeup and getting advice from his sister and dressing with some colour and maybe dye my hair blonde.. and then also even before I had gone out with him- when he had befriended me and flirted with me at work back then - to then later ignoring me for no reason. Then oneday I dress up at work as it was the week of xmas - it was casual and I was just pushing my boundaries with a singlet top and things, as I was working with a lady and he comes in to have a yarn to us and tells us about this woman he knew during his psychosis years ago that flirted with her and then didnt want to know him and that was the most prettiest and beautiful woman he had ever seen and that there were no other women, not even famous ones that could look like she did.. yet she wasa terrible person.. --- I had to listen to all that at me and my co-worker and put together that altho he had flirted with me at the time, he wasnt really attracted to me and I had to come to terms with that and it hurt really badly because of my history. It made me depressed with full blown of my bdd. And it wasnt until he got to know me later that he started to like me. But even when I was going out with him and had bdd attacks- and I remeber him telling me he was getting used to my face now - when I asked him about the way I looked . I dont know what he meant by that - but it wasnt meant to be mean spirited.

Anyways hearing him talk last night about how he think I would have to work hard to obtain a partner of high statis was a crude black and white remark to me. It made me feel terrible about myself again as that is a wound from those things above. And Ive researched quite a bit on attraction anyways and its not about how you look so much, its about what you need to be filled in your life and what you lack that you search for in others. Those are generally the things you admire. And if those things fit with 60 percent at least of physical attraction then it gets sold esp with constant bonding.

So I just get so angry and frustrated with him. On one hand he is deluded in the mind anyway. But on the other I feel like because he cant see me like that other woman he raved about, than there was never any real attraction when I did go out with him and he is emphasising that with his other remarks and theories. Because Ive been anti social most of my adult life, nearly all of it, I am very sensitive to self identitiy and trying to work out who I am in the eyes of others to get a rounded view. I jsut seem to want and crave to be someone who looks nice to others and things like that because I had that taken away when I was abused. Itsa wound that I want filled and it hurts like it did when things come up like this to affirm that Im not pretty and nothing like a beautiful woman. Therefore im not desirable. He seems to affirm that in me and it sux.

Anwyas.

 

[grapevine]

Actually, I was having a conversation the other day with ruggos and he was telling me how he just can't take night times anymore and more than that, that he just doesn't like being alone and in his own environment. That he gets really in a bad mood when he does. I know why because his whole identity seems to lie within social media and he gets stuck into this thing of thinking he is playing some bad game to people and sending them messages via things he posts on there. Its totally bogus- but to him its his reality and even more so when he is alone for some time. He gets edgy.
Thats when he uses me as his scapegoat and i dont like dependency as Im very much more an independent person - Ive learnt to be one after many years of being reclusive. I like my space and freedom. I like being alternative (but not a full-on hippy lol). I like to get stuck into trying to better myself, always trying to start again - whether im trying to back from regressing with my self esteem and confidence or whether im building on that-........,.<>>< what I mean is that not being on my own at some point in my day or my week causes me to not be able to do those things. Most people need reflection and solitude and wanting to do things they are passionate about.

But with ruggles, having to be dependent on others so that he doesnt have to be in the presence of himself and his disorder and confront his loneliness and boredom - I just cant understand that. He seems to think because of his grandiose state of mind and from what he tells me, he has done it all and there is nothing really he wants anymore other than to just see me each day as a friend( which made me cringe as you need to have your on things - dependency is screaming out here). How can he think such highly of himself when in reality he is a jobless, moneyless 34-year-old man living in his mum's garage. Has no ideals of bettering himself because he thinks he is famous and handsome and so talented at so many things.
That he has done it all and does amazing things everyday.

He limits himself. If you cant actually work on things in your own time, what kind of person are you? When he is at his home when Im at my work - he realy only can 'clean' his room which means he wipes a few surfaces and takes the trash out and moves a few of his hoards of 'stuff' to re-decorate. He watches youtube, he does a bit of guitar, he does his weird delusional and sub-psychotic stuff on social media and smokes and gets his ice coffee, maybe makes wierd videos for social media ( he thinks that is his job - he literally calls himself a manager at a youtube channel on his FB page), or taking a million selfies to upload. Thats kind what he does and seems to think that is amazing and talented of him. He cant seem to see that he could actually be working on having a better life - but he is incapable of planning anything, of having any concentration or independence and ideas to do anything towards that.

Im a Sagitatriaus, actually im on the cusp with scorpio too - which makes me a revolutionist apparrently lol. Anways I like my freedom. Cant remember why I was mentioning this now.
I just know that I find it so limiting to be around someone constantly because they are dependent on me - but that has no desire to better themselves of create a much better life.
I feel like being around him makes me feel like I shrink into being like him and his life and beliefs -
yet im nothing like that- and he is ill.

Theres that saying that frightens me - that the peple you hang out with you become like. And I dont want to be anything like him.

 

[grapevine]

Well, well the PMS has stuck into me like a thousand boulders at times. I forget the weeks that my anxiety and stress converge into this huge big thing that I cannot handle. Ultimately leaving my spillage on here lol. Well, today was a loony day of crying at the hat again - just like the last two times. And its good to have that release, the hormones are there for women to have that stress release and show them internally what they aren't confronting sometimes. That's why I would never go on the pill. Actually, a lady I work with who was a renowned microbiologist tells me that there are so many cases that aren't publicised of cancer from the pill, that it is so widespread. Im glad Im not on that.

Anyways- feeling all the feelings at once today. Got the bdd, got the sensitivity also from comments that I take ridiculously magnetic - rugs telling me that we both dressed like daggy 30 plus year olds. And things like that. I feel that although I have been ill with fatigue for over a year from burning out, yes I havent improved my appearance for a while as my health has been the one thing first. But even when I did, like I really did back before- when I just got to know him. Before I stupidly went out with him just to please my self esteem. Which ironically made it worse lol. I was a fat girl of 92 kg. I lost all that weight within a year of working when rugs was my co-worker. By the start of the next year I weighed 55-52kg and it was all healhy and I ate what I wanted. It was easy because I liked the way I ate. Anyways that's not the point, the point is that I also went from a life of just a few hoodies to hide my body in, into actively confronting my issue and giving myself a make-over. I went online and bought a heap of new- in fashio clothes and regularly bought things during shopping. Things that I would have never worn before. I felt like a new person and was on top of the world but also in dips from bdd and the challenges of him at the time ignoring me and hurting my feelings as I wasnt catching his eye. But the thing is that back then, he would say comments- when he went out with me at the very start. That he thought we both needed new clothes because we looked daggy- back then.. (even tho I had all new and all in fashion clothes on- I generally shop on ASOS). And so that spurred my bdd. As well as back then him telling me that I needed to get tips from his sister and dress up more to be attractive. Now if youve seen his sister, my god she is I hate to say it but even more crazy than rugs. She is an angry woman that restricts herself, she is also a very nice woman. But she cakes on this ridicoulous amount of makeup and kind of reminds me of older Elizabeth Taylor. Like a full matt makeup but not careful and less is more, more kind of more is less with her and it gets pretty overdone for things. But then, rugs even told me to dress with more colour like her. God that really broke me- I at the time just wanted to let him have it and tell him to get lost but my sp and insecurity turned me into a heap and the attraction to try and get him to see me better was always calling. It was really painful. To have such low selfesteem and allow others - paricuarly those with delusions decide in my mind how everyone sees me. Gosh, his sister wears hoodies and black all the time.
Anyways, I always dress neat and casual. Kind of like idk - nice kmart lol. And he, altho I have been responsible for giving him new clothes all time esp from work- dresses better but he straight out of the uncool 90s, like um country/bogany/casual I guess. Anyways when yesterday he tells me we both dress like daggy over 30s, I cant help but feel intimdated. He says that knowing I have bdd. I guess not actually knowing what bdd is. There are so many things I feel so much angst about him. The things he has done ignorantly and using me without even recognising in the past and even atm. Not as ellaborate as the past though. But in times of pms I just god, i turn into malfuntion and just want to release all the stress he places on me. To have to deal with a person that has major delsusions in their life that you cant shake off them, when that person is constantly interfereing in your life that its hard to make any progress independently- well its so easy to victimise yourself and its alot of stress.
Stress and anxiety do not go together and they come out like a huge pig fireworks display during pms anyways. I can become a piling heap of a mess crumbled to the floor and also a whirlwind of angst and resentment that wont go away, to a completely insecure person not wanting to go out and then to even a greatful person with tears lol.

Anyways, all I know is that I mentally always have to keep a distance from rugs when ever I see him because my values and my beliefs are not ajoining with his and he has a huge amount of delusional behaviour and thoughts ingrained in everything he does.

But boy do I feel like being so honest to him and ripping into him at this time of the month.

 

[grapevine]

Depression is really for me when I feel like I have no control and prolonged stress. I get overwhelmed with anxiety everyday since the last few years. And it al Aus comes back to who I will nowjust call russell. It's very disheartening for me. Here is a person that genuinely looks out for me and cares for me and can't wait to see me etc.. and even tho we are friends it feels too intense from his end that it swallows me into a feeling of having an identity with him hanging onto me. I get overwhelmed with my emotions on this everyday and gone beyond stress in the past and now that it's ruined my health. I can't think of one week were I've had my own space without daily and nightly phonecalls and visuals from russell. The thing is I don't mind hanging out but I like it a casual thing and then like to do my own thing as I also get so emotionally torn inside when knowing his world and how he copes in it is different to a sane person. So it's like upset because I feel bad as here he is giving his all to me and trying way too hard to be a good friend and being way too intense - and also merging g in his mind like we're still going out mbut we're not kinda thing as though we will in the near future. Tells me no one compares to me all the time and he won't look at other girls. And sure, with my abusive background and agoraphobia and social phobia it's flattering but it's very hard to actually let him no that it's never going to happen. He does understand tho we are just good friends and not partners tho.
I realise I have to have s heart to heart with him and be honest and brave but it's just once he is around me and all upbeat and stuff - I don't know how. I always with znyone end up compromising my authenticity for others. My compassion for myself. I mean here I am so ripped up and stressed inside, it's showing in my health. It feels like a giant weight in me and I can't take it so often. I find it extremely hard to not have judgment on russell when I'm around him - everything is just juvenile and devaluing to me the way he thinks and his life. He someone I look down on in pitty and feel sorry for, someone I e tried to make their life better but ended up having to lift every finger for him you know. Everything in his life is small and not going anywhere I guess. And that's the thing, for me to get well again and out of this slump I need to destress so I can look after myself and work back on my self esteem and identity and belief in myself and go through all of that again. And it's just so hard with such stress and feeling like I've got this heartbreak to tell him all the time. I always end up hurting him and being the bad perso. But he is completely unaware of his delusions and illness. The delususions of grandeur will never go away, only the antipsychotic drug takes the psychosis away but leaves his fractured mind believing he is a superior being. If anyone has been around someone with delusions it's disturbing, aggravating, you feel like belittling that person into reality, also feel like slumping into a depression and just sleeping and hidinding away thinking it will all go away. And you def feel you need so much space from that person because being around a deluded ' weirdo'makes you feel repelled. It just does.

There's that friendship that's okay when it's within limits but still distress because it's the only person I so******e with and it's too intense from him and it's his craziness that affects me. It's so stressful. With this anxiety I get so many resentments on him and feel like putting him in his place- all my values and what I stand for are not in him. Even the basic ones sometimes. It makes you feel like telling that person what you think of them and to get lost, that's way I feel like often. I just can't handle his mindset as I'm a bit of a perfectionist and feel I need full authenticity with people, with a friend and instead I just play a role cnd put up with him and his ways I appreciate things at the same ti e. But I need a break from his chaos and need to move forward and take him off my shoulders but it's so hard because he tries so hard to please me all the time and is genuine himself yet I can't be genuine to him and tell him about his delusions etc..

I guess I just have to sit down and tell him stuff that it's too much for me and to back off ,to find a way to mention his illness and how it greatly affects me and to let him know there is no chance with us. It's just hard.

I just find it and always have - hard to be assertive

 

[theslowesthand]

And you def feel you need so much space from that person because being around a deluded ' weirdo'makes you feel repelled. It just does

I suppose it's like being around a severe narcissist. Effectively it would be the same.

You may call him "russel", but i'll always know him as "rugs"

 

[grapevine]

Had the shock of having to euthanise my dog today. Schedule in soon this is a huge emotional task for me. I feel faint and sick and in shock . It's something I feel my anxiety is making too difficult. So hard .

 

[lily]

Had the shock of having to euthanise my dog today. Schedule in soon this is a huge emotional task for me. I feel faint and sick and in shock . It's something I feel my anxiety is making too difficult. So hard .

Why do you have to euthanize your dog? that's so sad :sad:

 

[lily]

that's why we need to have the knowledge to take care of our pets well, i used to have birds and i didn't know how to take care of it well enough so it passed away.. i don't want to talk about it :sad:

 

[grapevine]

He was very old. He had so much vigor until a few days and then it seemed he couldn't use his back legs well and cramped his body as tho someone having a seizure. We took him to the vet who reassured it was a slipped disc in the back and that he was just old to get over it and over time he would. But to return if anything got worse. It did rapidly and he couldn't eat, hardly walk, drink, and would vomit bile. Couldn't sleep. Going in today and the vet showed us his white gums which meant that he had internally bleeding. Seem to think he had a rupture inside and was not going to last the night, that it was likely cancer of the spine-. He could hardly lift his head. I nearly fainted and went as white as s ghost and felt like o was going to vomit because only a few days earlier he was like himself and enjoying walks and so on. It just happened all of a sudden like a 360 change in him.
We had a few hours with him at home before he was scheduled for it. That was the worst the clinical side of it. I called russell and he was there for me - incredibly supportive and my mum was there and dad was in the car. But russell came in during the euthanasia with mum - I had to step out. He didn't have to do that. But he did. He said Jackson went to sleep almost instantly. I felt sad but very relived that his suffering had ended but it's s huge gap now as everyday was a walk day. And Jackson my dog I know was glad russell was there as he really liked him. It's going to be a large gap going for walks and used to him sleeping in his bed in my bedroom. He wanted to know what I was up to all the time. But he was getting weaker over 6 months with not being able to get in the car and things like that. It's just a lot of shock to process. My adrenals are exausemtef but it was the compassionate thing to do. We planted him under a tee called little star so that's something.

 

[lily]

He was very old. He had so much vigor until a few days and then it seemed he couldn't use his back legs well and cramped his body as tho someone having a seizure. We took him to the vet who reassured it was a slipped disc in the back and that he was just old to get over it and over time he would. But to return if anything got worse. It did rapidly and he couldn't eat, hardly walk, drink, and would vomit bile. Couldn't sleep. Going in today and the vet showed us his white gums which meant that he had internally bleeding. Seem to think he had a rupture inside and was not going to last the night, that it was likely cancer of the spine-. He could hardly lift his head. I nearly fainted and went as white as s ghost and felt like o was going to vomit because only a few days earlier he was like himself and enjoying walks and so on. It just happened all of a sudden like a 360 change in him.
We had a few hours with him at home before he was scheduled for it. That was the worst the clinical side of it. I called russell and he was there for me - incredibly supportive and my mum was there and dad was in the car. But russell came in during the euthanasia with mum - I had to step out. He didn't have to do that. But he did. He said Jackson went to sleep almost instantly. I felt sad but very relived that his suffering had ended but it's s huge gap now as everyday was a walk day. And Jackson my dog I know was glad russell was there as he really liked him. It's going to be a large gap going for walks and used to him sleeping in his bed in my bedroom. He wanted to know what I was up to all the time. But he was getting weaker over 6 months with not being able to get in the car and things like that. It's just a lot of shock to process. My adrenals are exausemtef but it was the compassionate thing to do. We planted him under a tee called little star so that's something.

Oh i see. it's nice russel was giving you a good time that day.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can empathize as i've just lost a chook. :sad:

 

[F0AM]

I am very sorry Grape! But i'm glad that her suffering has ended and i'm sure she was very grateful to you for making her Life happier and spending It with her favourite human being!

Remember that to us they (our pets) are a part of our world, but to them we are their world!

Btw, i'm still not used to not seeing Falkor (i think that's the english name) as your avatar xD

 

[theslowesthand]

Btw, i'm still not used to not seeing Falkor (i think that's the english name) as your avatar xD

Me neither, but i see your new avatar as like a new you, a new beginning without rugs as your partner.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks guys. I miss Jackson, I can't bear atm to take his bed out my room yet. He was 17 years old. I keep leaving my lamp on for him too. We planted a tree and buried him u der it. It was called little star - a yellow flowing gum tree.

It was the initial shocks the vets when she said eyjunase today like right now or a few hours later
I was just about to faint and vomit - all my blood rushed from my head and I couldn't support myself. But I held on and didn't faint or vomit, but I had to tell my mum shopping was with me - she is deaf 30 percent hearing and got a shock when I told her, it went from a week of Jackson being unwell and getting this old guy vet on the weekend - a stand in - who put us at ease and said that he had slipped a disc and that's why he was in pain and couldn't walk. That he was old and something was wrong, but he could get over it over time. Injected a pain killer and told us if there was no improvement to come back the next day for an X-ray. He even hinted that he thought Jackson would come good in a few days 99 percent sure.
Then the next 2nd day the vet rang and I told them he wasn't well and thhe normal female vet said she wanted to take a look today. So we brought him in and he was violently ill / vomiting up bike and unable to walk - was in pain but on pain killers. He wasn't responding to the thi fa he normally likes. The vet took one look at his gums and showed me and they were white and that's when I nearly fainted, I knew that was bad, it meant internal bleeding. And he didn't have long to live. She asked if we had any rat bate out. Then she said it could be a cancer of the spine that erupted. That was common in dogs. We don't know. But all I know he was himself and happy and then after a walk russell and I took him on he couldn't use his back leg and then hie couldn't walk etc.,
He always licked dog wees on walks I told him off for. But just that turn around to a grave illness so quickly in the span of days shocked me. Tho he had been declining the last 5-6 months - usually was able to jump into the car then I had to pick him up to get in and out, he became very dependent t in me in he house / did not want to sit alone and had to know where I was all the time, he stopped eating his meals more, he never really ate much but he had issues more as he got older, and he would walk slower too. But he had a good life as I took him out just about every day for walks as russell id always over ever afternoon and that was the thing to take Jackson for walks and get some exercise and ed crave them. I'm happy russell was there and came during the a euthanasia- Jackson always lit up when russell came as he got attention more and a walk and cause he's a guy. I think he felt more supported cause he was thee, I couldn't watch and had to leave the room but it was over in 30 sec peacefully.

I've got a lot of chickens and since I was 16 I bonded with some very closely / they make great pets esp the ones that have their quirks and ha e to act like baby chickens still and go under your arm lol. Had a lot of chicken deaths over the years - my duck quack quack - a Khaki Campbell was the saddest last year - had him for many years and he died of stroke or something. Atm one of my sheep ( have 2 pet twin female sheep 10 years old) has s very bad leg and can't hardly walk - both have arthritis and my mum jumps to the worst and says it may have to be put down etc. is just a bit too much atm.

Remember that to us they (our pets) are a part of our world, but to them we are their world!

I'll remember that. &#55357;&#56839;

Me neither, but i see your new avatar as like a new you, a new beginning without rugs as your partner.

I have the Sea Shepherd sticker on my car. Big supporter of it, so I thought of a little change.

Russell - rugs is still in my life - still like a bf but titled a friend instead. I am always in such a swirl of emotions with him. That I cannot be a partner for him, yet I'm in my social phobia world at the moment as my confidence is down and my health that I appreciate his company and do care but he is a lot of unattractive things in his life to me that compromise my own values but what's weird is that the friendship has gotten on a different level to what it used to be as he is so much more understanding and respected of all the thing I had issues with before. We are much more comfortable - well I am now to be assertive and now he just is super nice to me all the time and genuine. I mean before as he was not getting messages from me that things weren't okay - but I've basically told him like in here over time that they weren't and how I felt and so now he pretty much knows me. If I'm going in his car - he goes and cleans it and his room lol.
He's become a really loyal and good friend. But it's that bf/gf fine line and the part where I get all worked up and usually come on here lol - about the frustrations I have with his delusions of himself and the online world. He is never rude or anything like that to me, but I get so depressed and anxious at the weird mindscape of beliefs he holds to himself. But things do evolve. All I know is he has begun respecting me more than I could ask and I get overwhelmed cause I'm not used to it and at the same time the things that come with his illness that he's not aware of hits me every so often as him being the real only person that I'm close to outside my family. He is like family. So having delusions but being functional - they only turn up when he's online and the beliefs about himself. But it's like a hit to the gut in me cause I like to control everything. All I know is that I feel unease because I can't have him as a partner but he is relentless in his mind about me and the future and yet he is basically my best friend at this point. Well really my only friend friend. And I love him but not like that you know - because then I have to do 99 percent of everything because he can't do things but doesn't know he can't. Anyways that's that then.