Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life
- Thread starter grapevine
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theslowesthand
Banned
Mooooooooo
grapevine
Well-known member
Al doodeee doo doo-doooo = australian magpies
grapevine
Well-known member
I'm stiff and sore like most times after two physically gruelling days of work for the week. Hardly the energy to go have a much wanted to shower, my dinner took that energy way to do that. But non the less I am happy with my work because I enjoy it and get really into it. I did like always a big effort and helped people by doing so. Even though i get paid, its a local charity that doesnt have many resources, money etc. So when I work, I give them my all- I give them value and I over-work and I enjoy it. Im happy I am not multi-tasking anymore and just concentrating on getting things done. Its funny that Ive never been the one to ever sit and have lunch. I just keep going all day and Ive always been like that. Id had aches and pains and problems with recovery and not being able to do much for so long, but now in only just nearly two weeks of totally avoiding processed foods (which can be hard) and going 70 percent raw, all these health issues are starting to reside and I feel like I can go longer and recover better. I feel like I have more energy in my tank and like my body wants to be physical again. Completely different to not that long ago. So I am happy with that.
What I am not happy about tho is still the situation with youwho. Because I dont know where he fits in my life and it really does disturb me his craziness online and in real life. How do you respond to someone like that. That manages to hurdle all the sanity and commonsense and so on and has a bombardment of weird stuff on social media enough to scare you revolt. Yet at the same time is the closest youve ever been with a person and can be okay a friendship provided you get your rest from that person and yet that person still acts like your in a relationship with them but knows your not, and that acts like a best friend which is like it is but that he is completely crazy and its so distressing. When you see the different sides of the coin and you feel compassion for that person being unaware of his craziness yet sick to the stomach and in stress because of it and in a bombardment of him entering your life everyday without much breath. He can respect me, but I feel like I am being a terrible person like I am leading him on and im not. Im just a friend and thats it. But its like being in a roundabout with terrible clown faces around of different personalities.
Anyways.
What I am not happy about tho is still the situation with youwho. Because I dont know where he fits in my life and it really does disturb me his craziness online and in real life. How do you respond to someone like that. That manages to hurdle all the sanity and commonsense and so on and has a bombardment of weird stuff on social media enough to scare you revolt. Yet at the same time is the closest youve ever been with a person and can be okay a friendship provided you get your rest from that person and yet that person still acts like your in a relationship with them but knows your not, and that acts like a best friend which is like it is but that he is completely crazy and its so distressing. When you see the different sides of the coin and you feel compassion for that person being unaware of his craziness yet sick to the stomach and in stress because of it and in a bombardment of him entering your life everyday without much breath. He can respect me, but I feel like I am being a terrible person like I am leading him on and im not. Im just a friend and thats it. But its like being in a roundabout with terrible clown faces around of different personalities.
Anyways.
theslowesthand
Banned
I think his craziness may be normal to him. He's normalized it. [:question:]?
grapevine
Well-known member
yeah pretty much lol.
Its not my job to analyse and fret over it. I realise that. Im just in a thick of social exclusion of my own doing and atm in a rut of low self esteem from health problems which all came about from being with him haha. I look back and admire how I used to feel in my body and want that back so badly. Im getting there but when the seasons change and you dont fit into your jumpers anymore from all the wrongdoings that you encountered on your stress highs that you do not do anymore.. but still the weight is there - slowly to melt away, its just really debilitating esp when your self-image you fought so hard to achieve in the past - not for others but for yourself- the one where everything was aligned. I mean Im getting my act together now and its persistent and Im happy with that.
Its like since breaking up with gobbles Ive had to have that immediate recovery and its been hard as he has still been there at every move up and down and all over the place - so Ive just stood my ground most of the time. We are only friends. And so he respects that. So Im happy with that. I can never know if Im doing the right thing here, but I always feel like what ever relationships he is in anways are off cue to some degree because of his delusional and self absorbed mind. Im not saying hes not a nice person - he is very loyal and can remember many things about people which is why he gets friends easily. Im just saying that everyone acknowledges his craziness and dont go there. I notice he gets right into concentration like a bipolar high with people when they are coming over to see him. Like his good jamming friend from the city. He kind of overdoes it with his enthusiasm - but that is what he is like and not many people are like that. He has his craziness and horrible delusions that you just want to slap him and shake some actual sense into him but its just completely impossible. He is sort of like a special person, a child almost but that can at times actually be there for you and be responsible and try extremely hard. And other times be in a mess of his own mind and also make bad choices.
Ive never known someone to really know me as much as he knows me. Even when I think he doesnt. And its scarey because hes crazy. Because I feel like he doesnt 'get' me, but at the same time knows me and remembers everything Ive ever told him about me. It sounds even creepy. But its like this friendship for me is like a family member or school friend that your close to and hate and cringe over but also have too close of a friendship and routine going everyday that it seems impossible to break.
And thats, where its hard to sort of, put him. For all the stressful stuff he does,and all the naive selfish things he has done, he is still a person and at the heart of him a lonely anxious person with paranoia and delusions that just wants company to get his mind off it all. I feel anyway.
So my best bet is really to keep firming my boundaries more and more. So that he knows how to treat me. So that yes i have a heart and yes he is a good friend, but slwo down the times we see each other, respect my own time to myself and so on.
Its really good when I need a time out after being in my own world for a while to have somewhere to go where I can just be myself and not have any expectations over me and just have a laugh and so on. He is that person. But there needs to be that distance because his illness and his craziness rubs onto me. I totally have to avoid his online stuff. I see that stuff and cringe at the embarrassment he is blind to. He has resorted to on his fb page now re-adding all his photos from 10-15 years ago when he was slim and working out. Thats what I hate about social media sometimes is the blindness to promoting shameless narcissism, esp on Instagram. Which btw he is on too haha. Its almost as if he sets himself up to be mocked- I mean geez - there are a few old photos with his shirt off and so on that he years ago cut out Avril Laveen (he is in love with her lol) and pasted that into his photo with a speech bubble saying that she missed him. That is his stand out photo everyone sees on his fb page.
Its so cringe-worthy. Its saddistic in many ways only just not to him. Ive told him ages ago with a kind heart that people would see that as a joke and feel sorry for him and think he is hilariously crazy and back away. But he sees what he sees. Its all up and down with him. I think perhaps people with schizophrenia maybe do deal with bipolar type emotions with the swings of the illness. I mean I always take it into account. I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with this craziness. He hasnt mild schizophrenia- its full-blown and its a jab of a needle with a potent anti-psychotic that lasts 2 weeks every fortnight. He doesnt understand the internet, social media, social culture, his self image.. those things are obscured to him and he is always trying to find ways to 'muscle up' as he calls it to find ways to be up on people because he thinks they are watching him and not good enough to be on the interenet because of thier profile pictures and that they send messages. I mean, how do you not question that and think to yourself how crazy that sounds? I feel like if he did CBT it would open him up to a world where he could find some middle ground maybe. Its like a big defence with him if you question his beliefs. I suppose like anyone. But when they are delusions and paranoia - not that they are a huge thing to the public but to him- that he has to try to control people by what he does online and gets defensive at any questioning about it, its really really hard to not want to go there. Your eyebrows raise and you just want to either run to the hills or confront and try to seek reasoning in his mind. Thats the thing with someone with an illness like that, you have a heart, you have compassion for them, but you also have to give alot of leeway to them. Youve got to give more than you recieve like how you do with children. And they give back in different ways to you, but not in adult ways. If that makes sense. And you just have to accept that. And move away when you cannot.
With always a sense of compassion and realising your mind goes through a one way street of your choosing. It gathers facts even makes them dramatic or finds new ones that werent even like they were jsut to gather a case to validate the way you feel. To intensify it.
Ive always been a person that can easily sidetrack myself to be about another person. I guess I was good at it when I was in agoraphobia. Always had co-dependency with my mum and her deafness. So with fairylegs writing about him - to digest and make sense and emtionally spread it all out to some reasoning make a huge difference to me. It means I dont have to walk around completely and utterly stressed out - well not as much. And esp not going out with him anymore. My god what was I thinking lol. So even though I write alot about him, I just need to because Im a socially phobic still even though I like to not think I am anymore and he is the one friend that is casual enough to make no big deal about and it gets me out and on my toes. But to not make it into a co-dependency I need to read my thoughts and on here is where its at. I can see if Im naive or letting a peson step all over me. I can find ways to approach and deal with things.
Like today, I hadnt had it in a while but a bdd attack today made me not want to go out. When all your clothes are tight when they used to hang off you. God its frustrating. Esp when the seasons change. But its the self image in the mirror that you get sick to your stomach about and just embarressed too. You want to change everything and be a different person sometimes. And that happened to me today. I am on a weightloss journey and Im getting back into my health and getting rid of my adrenal fatigue and stress burnout- I lack self compassion sometimes with everything I have gone through- regarding digitaltoes. I have so much determination to find myself again and be that smiling healthy person from doing me things everyday. Ive completely avoided processed foods for 2 weeks now and inflammation has gone down and energy starting to come back. I try to sleep well and I try to rest more. Im going to be starting getting more physcal soon too, which will up my weightloss and also add heaps of green juices and more soothies, esp with spinach and cucumber. I guess I just want instant. I hate too- which is a worry, Ive actually been getting grey hairs a few - and I thought that would never happen to me! So Im fretting about getting old as I have felt like Ive aged through stress 10 years from jigglebots and all that.
Anyways. Even though I dont like how I look right now, I just need to switch that off - there is a part of me that gets comfortable of not worrying about those things - which i think is once you hit 35 as a woman. But Ive had a history of sexual abuse, body image, annorexia, bulima in my 20s and its a bundle into bdd. And for me when it hits it hits. I mean I avoid cameras and even relfections. But to have control for me means feeling healthy and having a healthy weight and living the anti-aging way with a mainly raw food diet. Because I feel so good on it that I dont have to worry about those things as much - well in regards to weight - as I can just eat what I want as there is always a raw or wholefoods version of something I may crave. And I enjoy it and also how it makes me feel. Its just I only just got off the junk wagon and now just wanting to shred all this bulge that is there. I feel like its toxic all on me and I dont want to be that person anymore. Ive been very overweight in my life for years as well as underweight so I fear it.
Anyways.
Its not my job to analyse and fret over it. I realise that. Im just in a thick of social exclusion of my own doing and atm in a rut of low self esteem from health problems which all came about from being with him haha. I look back and admire how I used to feel in my body and want that back so badly. Im getting there but when the seasons change and you dont fit into your jumpers anymore from all the wrongdoings that you encountered on your stress highs that you do not do anymore.. but still the weight is there - slowly to melt away, its just really debilitating esp when your self-image you fought so hard to achieve in the past - not for others but for yourself- the one where everything was aligned. I mean Im getting my act together now and its persistent and Im happy with that.
Its like since breaking up with gobbles Ive had to have that immediate recovery and its been hard as he has still been there at every move up and down and all over the place - so Ive just stood my ground most of the time. We are only friends. And so he respects that. So Im happy with that. I can never know if Im doing the right thing here, but I always feel like what ever relationships he is in anways are off cue to some degree because of his delusional and self absorbed mind. Im not saying hes not a nice person - he is very loyal and can remember many things about people which is why he gets friends easily. Im just saying that everyone acknowledges his craziness and dont go there. I notice he gets right into concentration like a bipolar high with people when they are coming over to see him. Like his good jamming friend from the city. He kind of overdoes it with his enthusiasm - but that is what he is like and not many people are like that. He has his craziness and horrible delusions that you just want to slap him and shake some actual sense into him but its just completely impossible. He is sort of like a special person, a child almost but that can at times actually be there for you and be responsible and try extremely hard. And other times be in a mess of his own mind and also make bad choices.
Ive never known someone to really know me as much as he knows me. Even when I think he doesnt. And its scarey because hes crazy. Because I feel like he doesnt 'get' me, but at the same time knows me and remembers everything Ive ever told him about me. It sounds even creepy. But its like this friendship for me is like a family member or school friend that your close to and hate and cringe over but also have too close of a friendship and routine going everyday that it seems impossible to break.
And thats, where its hard to sort of, put him. For all the stressful stuff he does,and all the naive selfish things he has done, he is still a person and at the heart of him a lonely anxious person with paranoia and delusions that just wants company to get his mind off it all. I feel anyway.
So my best bet is really to keep firming my boundaries more and more. So that he knows how to treat me. So that yes i have a heart and yes he is a good friend, but slwo down the times we see each other, respect my own time to myself and so on.
Its really good when I need a time out after being in my own world for a while to have somewhere to go where I can just be myself and not have any expectations over me and just have a laugh and so on. He is that person. But there needs to be that distance because his illness and his craziness rubs onto me. I totally have to avoid his online stuff. I see that stuff and cringe at the embarrassment he is blind to. He has resorted to on his fb page now re-adding all his photos from 10-15 years ago when he was slim and working out. Thats what I hate about social media sometimes is the blindness to promoting shameless narcissism, esp on Instagram. Which btw he is on too haha. Its almost as if he sets himself up to be mocked- I mean geez - there are a few old photos with his shirt off and so on that he years ago cut out Avril Laveen (he is in love with her lol) and pasted that into his photo with a speech bubble saying that she missed him. That is his stand out photo everyone sees on his fb page.
Its so cringe-worthy. Its saddistic in many ways only just not to him. Ive told him ages ago with a kind heart that people would see that as a joke and feel sorry for him and think he is hilariously crazy and back away. But he sees what he sees. Its all up and down with him. I think perhaps people with schizophrenia maybe do deal with bipolar type emotions with the swings of the illness. I mean I always take it into account. I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with this craziness. He hasnt mild schizophrenia- its full-blown and its a jab of a needle with a potent anti-psychotic that lasts 2 weeks every fortnight. He doesnt understand the internet, social media, social culture, his self image.. those things are obscured to him and he is always trying to find ways to 'muscle up' as he calls it to find ways to be up on people because he thinks they are watching him and not good enough to be on the interenet because of thier profile pictures and that they send messages. I mean, how do you not question that and think to yourself how crazy that sounds? I feel like if he did CBT it would open him up to a world where he could find some middle ground maybe. Its like a big defence with him if you question his beliefs. I suppose like anyone. But when they are delusions and paranoia - not that they are a huge thing to the public but to him- that he has to try to control people by what he does online and gets defensive at any questioning about it, its really really hard to not want to go there. Your eyebrows raise and you just want to either run to the hills or confront and try to seek reasoning in his mind. Thats the thing with someone with an illness like that, you have a heart, you have compassion for them, but you also have to give alot of leeway to them. Youve got to give more than you recieve like how you do with children. And they give back in different ways to you, but not in adult ways. If that makes sense. And you just have to accept that. And move away when you cannot.
With always a sense of compassion and realising your mind goes through a one way street of your choosing. It gathers facts even makes them dramatic or finds new ones that werent even like they were jsut to gather a case to validate the way you feel. To intensify it.
Ive always been a person that can easily sidetrack myself to be about another person. I guess I was good at it when I was in agoraphobia. Always had co-dependency with my mum and her deafness. So with fairylegs writing about him - to digest and make sense and emtionally spread it all out to some reasoning make a huge difference to me. It means I dont have to walk around completely and utterly stressed out - well not as much. And esp not going out with him anymore. My god what was I thinking lol. So even though I write alot about him, I just need to because Im a socially phobic still even though I like to not think I am anymore and he is the one friend that is casual enough to make no big deal about and it gets me out and on my toes. But to not make it into a co-dependency I need to read my thoughts and on here is where its at. I can see if Im naive or letting a peson step all over me. I can find ways to approach and deal with things.
Like today, I hadnt had it in a while but a bdd attack today made me not want to go out. When all your clothes are tight when they used to hang off you. God its frustrating. Esp when the seasons change. But its the self image in the mirror that you get sick to your stomach about and just embarressed too. You want to change everything and be a different person sometimes. And that happened to me today. I am on a weightloss journey and Im getting back into my health and getting rid of my adrenal fatigue and stress burnout- I lack self compassion sometimes with everything I have gone through- regarding digitaltoes. I have so much determination to find myself again and be that smiling healthy person from doing me things everyday. Ive completely avoided processed foods for 2 weeks now and inflammation has gone down and energy starting to come back. I try to sleep well and I try to rest more. Im going to be starting getting more physcal soon too, which will up my weightloss and also add heaps of green juices and more soothies, esp with spinach and cucumber. I guess I just want instant. I hate too- which is a worry, Ive actually been getting grey hairs a few - and I thought that would never happen to me! So Im fretting about getting old as I have felt like Ive aged through stress 10 years from jigglebots and all that.
Anyways. Even though I dont like how I look right now, I just need to switch that off - there is a part of me that gets comfortable of not worrying about those things - which i think is once you hit 35 as a woman. But Ive had a history of sexual abuse, body image, annorexia, bulima in my 20s and its a bundle into bdd. And for me when it hits it hits. I mean I avoid cameras and even relfections. But to have control for me means feeling healthy and having a healthy weight and living the anti-aging way with a mainly raw food diet. Because I feel so good on it that I dont have to worry about those things as much - well in regards to weight - as I can just eat what I want as there is always a raw or wholefoods version of something I may crave. And I enjoy it and also how it makes me feel. Its just I only just got off the junk wagon and now just wanting to shred all this bulge that is there. I feel like its toxic all on me and I dont want to be that person anymore. Ive been very overweight in my life for years as well as underweight so I fear it.
Anyways.
grapevine
Well-known member
One of those days where your dehydrated and in a sloth phase all day and hyperventilating over loosing your beloved grey woollen jumper with the white fox knitted on the front - the only few comfort clothes that seem to fit me atm. Wondering where the hell I put that - and then I think about work and the massively huge amount of clothes I had gone thru and sorted and steamed and that perhaps it's there somewhere. I just want it back - it's my fav. Still I have complete lack of energy today - my hands a so tired and sore from doing too much - last night I frantically worked on making lucky dips for the shop as it's school holidays and the poor kids love them. I did a bit too much in one go. Errr today feels like I'm not in control of anything. It feels like chain events of misfortune to attempt things.
grapevine
Well-known member
I love this new song;
Xavier Rudd - Walk Away [Official Video] - YouTube
Makes me feel the intensity of how I feel lately. Just want to get back to feeling my true self, I feel so cornered a bit by ruggles mostly. Hes nothing like me, complete opposite to my ideals of living my life. And altho I am proactive in the last few weeks and getting somewhere in myself, I always feel Im haulting it all because of making room for him too much, because hes very intensive and hates being alone. I try to break this dependency from him. But its about me feeling guilty kind of for not wanting what he wants.
I seem to think too, even if it wasnt him and some other person- Id perhaps be writing alot about them too in how I approach a friendship and react in it, because Ive had a dear load of spare time for myself and not dealt with other people most of my life in terms of friends and so on.
But he has his pushiness and pressures me to be in contact constantly - like everyday, every hour almost etc. So its just very intense and Ive got all these swirling feelings of what the hell am I doing letting him lead my life like this - making room for him - which is fine but its like my whole life- its like I need a huge rest and boundaries - i need independence away from him. Because he is so dominant and over bearing and in my face at most times. Its stressful. But I dont know how to, well I do tell him these things in a different way and he does back off but I feel like a bad person a bit when those things happen. I just need huge breathing spaces. Away from him.
But anyways. My life feels like its heading in the right direction once again though. Im really starting to get back to my health stuff and find my way well away from food addiction and victim stuff. I am enjoying my work more because im not inflammed in my body anymore. Things like that. And Im even once again putting a health impression on my co-workers. That is what spurs me on. Something that Ive always felt to live by was to be the healthiest person people know and by example encourage them to live in thier healthiest way too. By completely avoiding any preaching or anything like that lol. I just go to work woth my huge glass jars full of juices and smoothies and they see that, and they see my energy at work and my positivity and how I can enjoy it and keep at it.. that is what it used to be for me and I used to get a whole host of my co-workers discovering new food and drinks and ways of life they didnt know before and their health would start to change because they made one change that lead them on a path to other things subconsciously. I feel like Im getting back to that person. Ive been having watermelon and basil smoothies most days. They are the best combination ever. The sweet basil goes with the watermelon like you wouldnt believe. I throw a cucumber in there too.
Im pushing my hydration and alkalisation. Im a big believer in natural hygiene, which is the study of timing of the foods you eat and eating mainly a raw vegan diet. It means that in the morning I oil pull to get all the bacteria from my mouth before I brush my teeth with charcoal and salt stuff lol, then I compltely hydrate myself with watery fruits and sweet fruits and lots of water. I try not to have anything heavy in the morning as my body is still in cleasning mode - Im trying to wake it up out of its night fast, but Im also trying to hydrate and help clean it too. I makes me feel so much better. I mean Ive always done this- but now that Im completely staying away from all the processed foods junk foods, my mornings are so much better.
Xavier Rudd - Walk Away [Official Video] - YouTube
Makes me feel the intensity of how I feel lately. Just want to get back to feeling my true self, I feel so cornered a bit by ruggles mostly. Hes nothing like me, complete opposite to my ideals of living my life. And altho I am proactive in the last few weeks and getting somewhere in myself, I always feel Im haulting it all because of making room for him too much, because hes very intensive and hates being alone. I try to break this dependency from him. But its about me feeling guilty kind of for not wanting what he wants.
I seem to think too, even if it wasnt him and some other person- Id perhaps be writing alot about them too in how I approach a friendship and react in it, because Ive had a dear load of spare time for myself and not dealt with other people most of my life in terms of friends and so on.
But he has his pushiness and pressures me to be in contact constantly - like everyday, every hour almost etc. So its just very intense and Ive got all these swirling feelings of what the hell am I doing letting him lead my life like this - making room for him - which is fine but its like my whole life- its like I need a huge rest and boundaries - i need independence away from him. Because he is so dominant and over bearing and in my face at most times. Its stressful. But I dont know how to, well I do tell him these things in a different way and he does back off but I feel like a bad person a bit when those things happen. I just need huge breathing spaces. Away from him.
But anyways. My life feels like its heading in the right direction once again though. Im really starting to get back to my health stuff and find my way well away from food addiction and victim stuff. I am enjoying my work more because im not inflammed in my body anymore. Things like that. And Im even once again putting a health impression on my co-workers. That is what spurs me on. Something that Ive always felt to live by was to be the healthiest person people know and by example encourage them to live in thier healthiest way too. By completely avoiding any preaching or anything like that lol. I just go to work woth my huge glass jars full of juices and smoothies and they see that, and they see my energy at work and my positivity and how I can enjoy it and keep at it.. that is what it used to be for me and I used to get a whole host of my co-workers discovering new food and drinks and ways of life they didnt know before and their health would start to change because they made one change that lead them on a path to other things subconsciously. I feel like Im getting back to that person. Ive been having watermelon and basil smoothies most days. They are the best combination ever. The sweet basil goes with the watermelon like you wouldnt believe. I throw a cucumber in there too.
Im pushing my hydration and alkalisation. Im a big believer in natural hygiene, which is the study of timing of the foods you eat and eating mainly a raw vegan diet. It means that in the morning I oil pull to get all the bacteria from my mouth before I brush my teeth with charcoal and salt stuff lol, then I compltely hydrate myself with watery fruits and sweet fruits and lots of water. I try not to have anything heavy in the morning as my body is still in cleasning mode - Im trying to wake it up out of its night fast, but Im also trying to hydrate and help clean it too. I makes me feel so much better. I mean Ive always done this- but now that Im completely staying away from all the processed foods junk foods, my mornings are so much better.
grapevine
Well-known member
Can you imagine this. I wrote on rubbles fb page yesterday. He had an old photo there with his top off (about 10 years old) and had cut out a photo of Avril Lavene with a speech bubble saying 'I miss you'. Its hilarious and creepy that he cant see it is. But anyways, its also a bit sexist in a way too. But he writes on my things so I thought Id write that I didnt think this photo looked accurate - as a little pun. And now he sees that and actually acts all immature and says he doesnt want to come over and he is all changed in mood because I did that. I mean come on everything is all about him. He has done severe things to me in response to dampening my mood and I withstand it and get my maturity about it on. Forgods sake who goes and does those lame cut and pastes - how can I even win with someone so crazy like that.
grapevine
Well-known member
Omg Im so happy lol. I mean yeah things with ruggles had gotten heated and annoying. So difficult, I told it it was him and his problems not me and I apologised for what ever Id done but that also I couldnt stand his high end sensitivities and to not reflect them onto me. I had to stand up for myself because when it comes to men, like alot of women I just be the one to shrink and take it all. But not this time.
Anywho Im so happy because I just found out that Xavier Rudd is touring in my home city in August and it goes on sale in 2 days. I am def booking that. But ruggles doesnt know yet. But he came with me last year to his concert and it was $100 he said he would pay me back in $20 notes each week and never did. Its been a long time and not one cent of that he has paid back. Hed rather spend it on his drugs than back on me and Ive felt disrespected about the whole issue. He has never really paid me back for anything and yet I still forgive and still give to him every week. And yet he gets one little light hearted comment from me on his page and he starts thinking Im out to get him that Im spiteful and so on and makes a huge thing with it and even invites his sister to agree with him and so on. Basically ganging up on me. I mean come on - if I had done all those ignorant and selfish things he had done to me my god would he be dead or what?
Anyways even when he did come with me at that concert, he basically hated it, he was a killjoy and couldnt take the hot weather despite me telling him to dress for the weather - which he didnt. He basically didnt even get up when the act came on and sat way out and went to sleep. It dampened the whole thing for me and I got upset. And then to have never got paid back- that sux even more. I didnt even want him to come, I was just being polite, and even when I booked those tickets I asked him if he was sure he would pay me back and if he wanted to spend that money and actually go. He responded with yes.
He pays everyone back except me. It sux.
Anyways I feel like I have something to look forward to. Ive been to that venue before to see this guy on my own so I know it well - and also been there my first few concerts when I was a teenager. I feel like even tho its just a concert, I just want to work on myself for the event. Just so that when I go there I feel more myself so to speak - like it will be even more special like an independence thing. I have a girlfriend I rarely see that would likely come with me but she is very bossy and Id much rather come alone.
Im happy I thought he wasnt going to tour here but he is now : )
Anywho Im so happy because I just found out that Xavier Rudd is touring in my home city in August and it goes on sale in 2 days. I am def booking that. But ruggles doesnt know yet. But he came with me last year to his concert and it was $100 he said he would pay me back in $20 notes each week and never did. Its been a long time and not one cent of that he has paid back. Hed rather spend it on his drugs than back on me and Ive felt disrespected about the whole issue. He has never really paid me back for anything and yet I still forgive and still give to him every week. And yet he gets one little light hearted comment from me on his page and he starts thinking Im out to get him that Im spiteful and so on and makes a huge thing with it and even invites his sister to agree with him and so on. Basically ganging up on me. I mean come on - if I had done all those ignorant and selfish things he had done to me my god would he be dead or what?
Anyways even when he did come with me at that concert, he basically hated it, he was a killjoy and couldnt take the hot weather despite me telling him to dress for the weather - which he didnt. He basically didnt even get up when the act came on and sat way out and went to sleep. It dampened the whole thing for me and I got upset. And then to have never got paid back- that sux even more. I didnt even want him to come, I was just being polite, and even when I booked those tickets I asked him if he was sure he would pay me back and if he wanted to spend that money and actually go. He responded with yes.
He pays everyone back except me. It sux.
Anyways I feel like I have something to look forward to. Ive been to that venue before to see this guy on my own so I know it well - and also been there my first few concerts when I was a teenager. I feel like even tho its just a concert, I just want to work on myself for the event. Just so that when I go there I feel more myself so to speak - like it will be even more special like an independence thing. I have a girlfriend I rarely see that would likely come with me but she is very bossy and Id much rather come alone.
Im happy I thought he wasnt going to tour here but he is now : )
grapevine
Well-known member
Well i had a huge day yesterday. A huge day of distress and using my body to the max. I drove to work like always, but I wasn't feeling the best. I was tired and had brain fog, I even got beeped at a roundabout for not noticing a free space to exit. I felt half awake.
I went to my work's shop to get coat hangers I needed to be able to finish steaming the mountain of clothes Id been diligently and overextending myself without breaks to get through for the shop. But when I go to my work, there were a team of volunteers in my area pulling apart all my work place and sticking all the good clothes Id laid out a few days before into the white bags (unknowing to them that anything in the white bags gets thrown to the rag company).It was a mess because of the unmanaging of the place and my priority was to get clothes to the shop so I worked on that and the pile went down and down and I saw progress each week. Now theres all these volunteers that dont know what they are doing and made it unable for me to do my job. Hell, my boss didnt even tell them whats what. And obv didnt mention my fav jumper I had lost in that room amongst the clothes. I had an inkling where it may be and I even said days ago 'as long as nobody touches here then ill find it the next time I come in, in a days time..
and then I come in and everything is pulled apart.
Anyways arriving to a room full of people dissecting my workplace felt like the rug pulled out under my feet. I felt overwhelmed with all these people and I couldnt use the steamer, couldnt do my work because they were on a mission doing their own things.
I ended up going to my car for a breather and then sat in the back seat and ended up having a HUGE ANXIETY ATTACK!. I havent had one like that in ages- not in public too. I couldnt breathe and I was crying my eyes out. Every muscle in my stomach was heaving with my breaths and I felt like I was tunnelling into doom at the same time of releasing all this stress in me a bit. It just kept coming and coming and I was hiding in my car in the back seat with a light rain jacket over me for prob an hour and a half to 2 hours. Then I got paranoid to get up and be seen because my face was so swollen and red and the look of a baby when it cries really bad. It was obvious. But I got up after awhile and bravely got in my car and drove to the nearest public toilet where I cooled my face down and then went for a walk along the river to try to get my face looking less upset and so on.
Then I actually went back into work as my handbag was there. And most of the volunteers were gone. So I explained to my bosses and a coworker at once what had happened and they understood as the main boss has issues a little similar but with claustrophobia and things like that.
And so I left home very early and didn't really do any work. And now today and Ive got to go to work again knowing all the volunteers are there again and I feel angry and hurt that all my work and not being told - all that is changed and unpractical and Ive missed out on any work progress because of it. I just feel indispensable. And Ive had nightmares all night too and couldn't sleep because of them and also cant stop crying and feeling doom at a the slightest thing. I feel a mess.
Not sure what Ill be up to today but its made me so angry because I was getting so much done and now nothing.
I went to my work's shop to get coat hangers I needed to be able to finish steaming the mountain of clothes Id been diligently and overextending myself without breaks to get through for the shop. But when I go to my work, there were a team of volunteers in my area pulling apart all my work place and sticking all the good clothes Id laid out a few days before into the white bags (unknowing to them that anything in the white bags gets thrown to the rag company).It was a mess because of the unmanaging of the place and my priority was to get clothes to the shop so I worked on that and the pile went down and down and I saw progress each week. Now theres all these volunteers that dont know what they are doing and made it unable for me to do my job. Hell, my boss didnt even tell them whats what. And obv didnt mention my fav jumper I had lost in that room amongst the clothes. I had an inkling where it may be and I even said days ago 'as long as nobody touches here then ill find it the next time I come in, in a days time..
and then I come in and everything is pulled apart.
Anyways arriving to a room full of people dissecting my workplace felt like the rug pulled out under my feet. I felt overwhelmed with all these people and I couldnt use the steamer, couldnt do my work because they were on a mission doing their own things.
I ended up going to my car for a breather and then sat in the back seat and ended up having a HUGE ANXIETY ATTACK!. I havent had one like that in ages- not in public too. I couldnt breathe and I was crying my eyes out. Every muscle in my stomach was heaving with my breaths and I felt like I was tunnelling into doom at the same time of releasing all this stress in me a bit. It just kept coming and coming and I was hiding in my car in the back seat with a light rain jacket over me for prob an hour and a half to 2 hours. Then I got paranoid to get up and be seen because my face was so swollen and red and the look of a baby when it cries really bad. It was obvious. But I got up after awhile and bravely got in my car and drove to the nearest public toilet where I cooled my face down and then went for a walk along the river to try to get my face looking less upset and so on.
Then I actually went back into work as my handbag was there. And most of the volunteers were gone. So I explained to my bosses and a coworker at once what had happened and they understood as the main boss has issues a little similar but with claustrophobia and things like that.
And so I left home very early and didn't really do any work. And now today and Ive got to go to work again knowing all the volunteers are there again and I feel angry and hurt that all my work and not being told - all that is changed and unpractical and Ive missed out on any work progress because of it. I just feel indispensable. And Ive had nightmares all night too and couldn't sleep because of them and also cant stop crying and feeling doom at a the slightest thing. I feel a mess.
Not sure what Ill be up to today but its made me so angry because I was getting so much done and now nothing.
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
I'm sorry, Grape.
That's a lot of stuff hitting you at once, and with the other shit with rugs too, it must've felt like a tidal wave.
I hope today isn't so bad.
That's a lot of stuff hitting you at once, and with the other shit with rugs too, it must've felt like a tidal wave.
I hope today isn't so bad.
grapevine
Well-known member
Thanks Faifax.
In contrast the day after was so much better. I also had to adjust how I thought about the situation. I just didnt like being un-notified of people coming into my workplace and changing everything. I always have a plan and almighty effort in going to work and I enjoy it. I set things out when I leave the times Ive worked before so that it is organised for the next working day. But going in and having non-paid workers just come in without me knowing and literally take appart the room I was working in and do things their way- that entirely threw me off. It made me feel indispensable and disrespected. But at least the next day I knew what was going to be there and I adjusted. I just get angry with the mismanagement all the time but I except it from my bosses anyway. I jsut go there for my own values and purposes. I had a good time yesterday with the volounteers anyways. How ironic is that lol.
In contrast the day after was so much better. I also had to adjust how I thought about the situation. I just didnt like being un-notified of people coming into my workplace and changing everything. I always have a plan and almighty effort in going to work and I enjoy it. I set things out when I leave the times Ive worked before so that it is organised for the next working day. But going in and having non-paid workers just come in without me knowing and literally take appart the room I was working in and do things their way- that entirely threw me off. It made me feel indispensable and disrespected. But at least the next day I knew what was going to be there and I adjusted. I just get angry with the mismanagement all the time but I except it from my bosses anyway. I jsut go there for my own values and purposes. I had a good time yesterday with the volounteers anyways. How ironic is that lol.
grapevine
Well-known member
So its autumn here in Eastern Australia and its still summer weather. Its been consistent and unusual to have such hot warm weather constantly this late in the season. Its hasn't rained either, weve really only had 2 ocassions in the whole year its done that. And they didnt last. The cold fronts we get have not really been there to create that yet. All the hot air from the mainland has been making its way to the south and east. And even the whole Australia has just been roasting all autumn. It really sux because most plants and grass are dry and dead and struggling, there is erosion around and even wildlife are looking strained like the people.
I am personally holding out for that fresh crisp cool air and rain that we usually get by now. that type of weather wakes you up and is refreshing and energising and beneficial for everyone. Hell we are only on rainwater for everything as we live on acres out from the town - we need rain!
So ruggy rings me up this afternoon to ask if i wanted to go to the doctors with him as he is getting his fortnightly jab. He gets nervous and grumpy you can tell everytime, and i know he was asking out of desperation and he wouldnt have asked otherwise. Because i get a bit nervious on the phone I reluctantly said yes to his proposal. But then sat down and gave him a message explaining how today I had just spent an hour waiting in the car for my mum who went to the hair dressers- before that i took her down swimming and then picked her up and then down shopping etc... Ive been quite exhausted from this weather too. I told him that sitting in a doctors waiting room for up to an hour was something that I didnt feel up to right now.
So I was assertive. But there I feel bad. I told him to still come over and we can go for a walk, and he can take photos like he usually does. I was trying to make him feel better. But he comes over within like 15-20 minutes way before he says and then cant talk to me - I try to talk to him positively and everything and ask him questions on things, he answers with I dont know with everything and isnt interested in anything I say- this is something he does nearly all time. We attempt a sort walk that he decided that he didnt want to do half way thru. And then he decides to go home with only being here for 10 minutes. Which to me is a waste of a trip. Esp when he cannot afford petrol and things much at all.
I guess I just get so frustrated with someone like him and his glowing problems. Its the opposite to me because with social phobia we are aware - like critically aware of our actions towards others and adjust them so the other person or people dont feel uncomfortable. But with him, its like that part of his brain is closed off. He will ring me up on average about 3 times a day or even more and he will think he has to message me at every different activity he is doing or something - as if im wating on him. And when he rings me up or text me - he has no ability because of his illness to be able to actually talk to me - literally. Im making up for that - I get a phone call from him and it will be him saying hello and thats it- and usually even after we've just talked online or seen each other in person. Hell ring up and then there is this awkard silence, I cant even bring myself to ask the reasoning why he has rang. Because he doesnt know himself. He cant ask me anything, start a conversation - retain one - he cant talk on the phone at all really - that symptom of his schizophrenia is really bad. And I end up gathering little energy to try and make a one way conversation. It feels so upsetting at times and stressfull. I feel like Im catering for him or something. Ive got to reach my energy over to him to make up for his lacks from an illness. Its actually very draining. Esp because he is in your face all the time.
I mean sure, hes an okay friend but I need alot of space and I cant seem to get that much with him. I actually get so angry at times and resentful still because I feel like he just uses people alot - but at the same time I see the empathy of it and I feel like crying because I feel so sad for him. That he is so desperate to not be alone and is unable to do things much on his own that he needs others to have a life. That small things I have done with him - like when we were in a relationship- were actually big things for him. I hate that everything is about how he feels in the moment. And in the moment all the time I feel stretched with him having to overcoming how I feel to be nice and compassionate to him in regards alot of times to myself. When i say no to things and be assertive to him, I can feel his depression and anxiety of not wanting to be a lone for a second and not knowing what to do etc... and it creates anxiety in myself. But Im sick of dropping my own life and goals just to fill his life up when he cant do the same for me. LIfe is unfair for him I get that. But I have important lessons to learn here and to stand up for my own feelings too because Ive learnt they matter big time.
I am personally holding out for that fresh crisp cool air and rain that we usually get by now. that type of weather wakes you up and is refreshing and energising and beneficial for everyone. Hell we are only on rainwater for everything as we live on acres out from the town - we need rain!
So ruggy rings me up this afternoon to ask if i wanted to go to the doctors with him as he is getting his fortnightly jab. He gets nervous and grumpy you can tell everytime, and i know he was asking out of desperation and he wouldnt have asked otherwise. Because i get a bit nervious on the phone I reluctantly said yes to his proposal. But then sat down and gave him a message explaining how today I had just spent an hour waiting in the car for my mum who went to the hair dressers- before that i took her down swimming and then picked her up and then down shopping etc... Ive been quite exhausted from this weather too. I told him that sitting in a doctors waiting room for up to an hour was something that I didnt feel up to right now.
So I was assertive. But there I feel bad. I told him to still come over and we can go for a walk, and he can take photos like he usually does. I was trying to make him feel better. But he comes over within like 15-20 minutes way before he says and then cant talk to me - I try to talk to him positively and everything and ask him questions on things, he answers with I dont know with everything and isnt interested in anything I say- this is something he does nearly all time. We attempt a sort walk that he decided that he didnt want to do half way thru. And then he decides to go home with only being here for 10 minutes. Which to me is a waste of a trip. Esp when he cannot afford petrol and things much at all.
I guess I just get so frustrated with someone like him and his glowing problems. Its the opposite to me because with social phobia we are aware - like critically aware of our actions towards others and adjust them so the other person or people dont feel uncomfortable. But with him, its like that part of his brain is closed off. He will ring me up on average about 3 times a day or even more and he will think he has to message me at every different activity he is doing or something - as if im wating on him. And when he rings me up or text me - he has no ability because of his illness to be able to actually talk to me - literally. Im making up for that - I get a phone call from him and it will be him saying hello and thats it- and usually even after we've just talked online or seen each other in person. Hell ring up and then there is this awkard silence, I cant even bring myself to ask the reasoning why he has rang. Because he doesnt know himself. He cant ask me anything, start a conversation - retain one - he cant talk on the phone at all really - that symptom of his schizophrenia is really bad. And I end up gathering little energy to try and make a one way conversation. It feels so upsetting at times and stressfull. I feel like Im catering for him or something. Ive got to reach my energy over to him to make up for his lacks from an illness. Its actually very draining. Esp because he is in your face all the time.
I mean sure, hes an okay friend but I need alot of space and I cant seem to get that much with him. I actually get so angry at times and resentful still because I feel like he just uses people alot - but at the same time I see the empathy of it and I feel like crying because I feel so sad for him. That he is so desperate to not be alone and is unable to do things much on his own that he needs others to have a life. That small things I have done with him - like when we were in a relationship- were actually big things for him. I hate that everything is about how he feels in the moment. And in the moment all the time I feel stretched with him having to overcoming how I feel to be nice and compassionate to him in regards alot of times to myself. When i say no to things and be assertive to him, I can feel his depression and anxiety of not wanting to be a lone for a second and not knowing what to do etc... and it creates anxiety in myself. But Im sick of dropping my own life and goals just to fill his life up when he cant do the same for me. LIfe is unfair for him I get that. But I have important lessons to learn here and to stand up for my own feelings too because Ive learnt they matter big time.
theslowesthand
Banned
I think he has a hard life, especially if he has depression & anxiety.
And i wonder if he still loves you as a girlfriend? Sounds like he probably does still.
And i wonder if he still loves you as a girlfriend? Sounds like he probably does still.
grapevine
Well-known member
Honestly I try to respect him and make the best out things. I try gratitude and compassion but I dont try compassion for myself enough, even if it werent him I were friends with and another person without the issues- I think I would still have this grande issue of needing alot of space.
He is a very loyal man but also a very sick one. I cant take that on, and I feel like I get stomped by him of my own independent identity because he is so different to my values and lifestyle. I have tried and succeeded to some degree in moulding him to friendship and yet its still quite hard. The way his mind works - he cant see beyond his comfort zone I feel so often, its part of the severity of the illness for him. So he'll see me and just think Im his gf in his mind. But at the same time Im telling him we are just friends and goes with that.
At the moment I just need heaps of space from him as Im trying desperately to get my head above water. My health is changing all the time up and down and I just want to be where I was before I went out with him. I was brimming with health and then I went out with him and it all took a backseat. My naivety and insecurity made me a culprit to making him happy and disregarding myself. Living in his life and forgetting my own. I just really used to last year burn passages of regret and resentment in my mind and emotional stress just thinking about how I ended up quite sick with adrenal burnout (nervous breakdown) and put on 15 kg and my raw diet somehow all of a sudden included processed foods and vegan takeaways.
Also my identity was overshadowed from him - this drug guy that is really weird.
Ive basically felt like nothing. Before him I was authentic in public, I was the health nut that was really healthy and like the energy bunny. I had people coming up to me for health advice and so on all the time. I had guys liking me even because I was happy with myself and had a glowing energy and a good figure. I was the raw vegan girl in my mind, the girl that was the healthiest person you knew and that looked younger than her age. That sort of ego identity I was rolling with. And I felt authentic in myself - like I was living the way I was meant to. And then all that kind of changed after ruggz.
And yet he still is there and tries hard to try to make me happy but I'm always the one having to extend a hand and not him. I just want to see him a few times a week - but he seems to want to see me every day because he just wants to get out the house. He wants to take photos of where I live and all the landscapes and animals - so he can put it online because in his mind he thinks nobody does anything but he goes out and does things in his life.
Its just extremely stressful to have someone that ill and delusional totally invade your life.
Ive just got to be more firm. Everyday I see him. He rings heaps too. He doesnt get the weirdness of it. I get anxiety everyday because I feel like I cannot just lay and do my own things at home anymore. I cant start anything because I always have to make time for him and he can come over anytime. When he says in 2 hours - he turns up in 20 mins - that sort of thing. And when I stay over his place sometimes - we watch a few films and netflix stuff. Its as if Im just straining my own time and energy resources - that im giving up on the things that make me happy just to make him happy. I dont know if thats what I mean, but something like that.
Its hard to be a friend to someone that cant talk to you, has no consistant goals in their life and no independence because of thier illness. Someone that puts all thier weight of lack onto me to make them happy. I jsut want to baricade myself away.
I used to have a really good self identity. Despite my bdd, I was really in good spirits of who I was in society for myself and also around others. And I also had an innocence about myself too. Back then I felt compassion for myself and there was nothing else. I did alot of self care and built myself up. That made me respect myself and make me happy towards people and have a good self esteem. I felt then that if guys liked me, they would want to look after me and make me feel pampered special and all that and it was always an underlining sensitivity of mine around men my age. It was my shyness and open sleeve too. But once I got with ruggz after the first year and then the second - it turned me into feeling used and like to have a man means to over extend yourself and not get much back in return if at all. All that innoncence is gone- and all that independence and sensitivities are lost because he invades my life every single day. I really dont like who I am at the moment and want to fight to be that person I was. I want to get out of this stressful situation and just literally sleep on it. Just hibernate and go inwards for months. I dont like my physicality - my health at moment and thats my biggest goal - I know that when Im healthy I feel really awesome. Its just all my goals and things I want to do get put on the back burner because Im always making room all the time for him and his desperate needs to fill his days and nights and not be alone.
And then there is my mum who cant drive or hear.
I jsut need my space and I feel depressed and demotivated in myself because Im so tired and im disgusted with myself and just want my boundaries in place so that Im not always being bombarded by him.
He is a very loyal man but also a very sick one. I cant take that on, and I feel like I get stomped by him of my own independent identity because he is so different to my values and lifestyle. I have tried and succeeded to some degree in moulding him to friendship and yet its still quite hard. The way his mind works - he cant see beyond his comfort zone I feel so often, its part of the severity of the illness for him. So he'll see me and just think Im his gf in his mind. But at the same time Im telling him we are just friends and goes with that.
At the moment I just need heaps of space from him as Im trying desperately to get my head above water. My health is changing all the time up and down and I just want to be where I was before I went out with him. I was brimming with health and then I went out with him and it all took a backseat. My naivety and insecurity made me a culprit to making him happy and disregarding myself. Living in his life and forgetting my own. I just really used to last year burn passages of regret and resentment in my mind and emotional stress just thinking about how I ended up quite sick with adrenal burnout (nervous breakdown) and put on 15 kg and my raw diet somehow all of a sudden included processed foods and vegan takeaways.
Also my identity was overshadowed from him - this drug guy that is really weird.
Ive basically felt like nothing. Before him I was authentic in public, I was the health nut that was really healthy and like the energy bunny. I had people coming up to me for health advice and so on all the time. I had guys liking me even because I was happy with myself and had a glowing energy and a good figure. I was the raw vegan girl in my mind, the girl that was the healthiest person you knew and that looked younger than her age. That sort of ego identity I was rolling with. And I felt authentic in myself - like I was living the way I was meant to. And then all that kind of changed after ruggz.
And yet he still is there and tries hard to try to make me happy but I'm always the one having to extend a hand and not him. I just want to see him a few times a week - but he seems to want to see me every day because he just wants to get out the house. He wants to take photos of where I live and all the landscapes and animals - so he can put it online because in his mind he thinks nobody does anything but he goes out and does things in his life.
Its just extremely stressful to have someone that ill and delusional totally invade your life.
Ive just got to be more firm. Everyday I see him. He rings heaps too. He doesnt get the weirdness of it. I get anxiety everyday because I feel like I cannot just lay and do my own things at home anymore. I cant start anything because I always have to make time for him and he can come over anytime. When he says in 2 hours - he turns up in 20 mins - that sort of thing. And when I stay over his place sometimes - we watch a few films and netflix stuff. Its as if Im just straining my own time and energy resources - that im giving up on the things that make me happy just to make him happy. I dont know if thats what I mean, but something like that.
Its hard to be a friend to someone that cant talk to you, has no consistant goals in their life and no independence because of thier illness. Someone that puts all thier weight of lack onto me to make them happy. I jsut want to baricade myself away.
I used to have a really good self identity. Despite my bdd, I was really in good spirits of who I was in society for myself and also around others. And I also had an innocence about myself too. Back then I felt compassion for myself and there was nothing else. I did alot of self care and built myself up. That made me respect myself and make me happy towards people and have a good self esteem. I felt then that if guys liked me, they would want to look after me and make me feel pampered special and all that and it was always an underlining sensitivity of mine around men my age. It was my shyness and open sleeve too. But once I got with ruggz after the first year and then the second - it turned me into feeling used and like to have a man means to over extend yourself and not get much back in return if at all. All that innoncence is gone- and all that independence and sensitivities are lost because he invades my life every single day. I really dont like who I am at the moment and want to fight to be that person I was. I want to get out of this stressful situation and just literally sleep on it. Just hibernate and go inwards for months. I dont like my physicality - my health at moment and thats my biggest goal - I know that when Im healthy I feel really awesome. Its just all my goals and things I want to do get put on the back burner because Im always making room all the time for him and his desperate needs to fill his days and nights and not be alone.
And then there is my mum who cant drive or hear.
I jsut need my space and I feel depressed and demotivated in myself because Im so tired and im disgusted with myself and just want my boundaries in place so that Im not always being bombarded by him.
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grapevine
Well-known member
So far it has been an announcement from my PMS this week.
and so the time once again, not for some time- but lately out of the blue, a toilet situation occurred once again. There I was driving to work- stressed in my mind like the post above - that anything or anyone in my way of smoothing the nerves would make me crumble into a mess.
Trying to keep it together on the road. Did that. Yay. Then get to work and find once again the dynamics of my workplace have changed once again. A volunteer taking over my job- and doing it all her way without any understanding of how I had been running the show for nearly 3 years. And get told one thing from my boss which is always illogical and the volunteer does the opposite of the boss. And I am made to be like a servant to the volunteer and do it her way despite me being a paid worker whos been doing this for a few years.
So off into the toilet I go to shed a few tears, have a mild anxiety attack, wonder how I am going to get out of the loo and getting my hangbag and taking off - deciding to go for an hours joy drive into the city and a mall and maybe just enjoy my own space and independence.
But of course, I didn't do that. I got out that toilet and patted cold water over my face. Then told this volunteer it was from my detox - the emotions. Yet she seemed to think I was talking about menopause. And that just nearly brought me back into the toilets again. I mean Im 35 im not 50. And everyone used to think only a year ago that I looked 24. Have I really aged in a year from all the ruggss stress? Idk. But my bdd in my mind took a ticket to ride on that one.
So the volunteer left by lunch and I was finally on my own. But my workplace is at a standstill with mismanagement to the shops again that I literally am unable to do things much. Its very frustrating the way they dont manage anything and yet claim they do.
At least this morning I had my own self care time and enjoyed making a large green juice and drank that. Man that is something I hadnt done in a while. It made me feel really good. And the morning before that I had a beetroot based juice. So Im happy Im on a role again actively by enforcing these good habit I used to habit before rugs. The more I take the juices, the more I feel content inside. The more I want more. Its a huge burst of nutrition in one big hit. Makes a difference. Juice was my thing. Turns me into a better person. Makes me feel more me.
Anyways - I saw rugs this afternoon and couldnt tolerate his smoking smell combined with his depderant and hairsrpay. I even had to air out the lounge once he had gone. I feel rude but I just cant go near him anymore - he is basically deadly to me and not in the aboriginal sense. I end up with migraines and burning lungs and throat and things like that around him.
and so the time once again, not for some time- but lately out of the blue, a toilet situation occurred once again. There I was driving to work- stressed in my mind like the post above - that anything or anyone in my way of smoothing the nerves would make me crumble into a mess.
Trying to keep it together on the road. Did that. Yay. Then get to work and find once again the dynamics of my workplace have changed once again. A volunteer taking over my job- and doing it all her way without any understanding of how I had been running the show for nearly 3 years. And get told one thing from my boss which is always illogical and the volunteer does the opposite of the boss. And I am made to be like a servant to the volunteer and do it her way despite me being a paid worker whos been doing this for a few years.
So off into the toilet I go to shed a few tears, have a mild anxiety attack, wonder how I am going to get out of the loo and getting my hangbag and taking off - deciding to go for an hours joy drive into the city and a mall and maybe just enjoy my own space and independence.
But of course, I didn't do that. I got out that toilet and patted cold water over my face. Then told this volunteer it was from my detox - the emotions. Yet she seemed to think I was talking about menopause. And that just nearly brought me back into the toilets again. I mean Im 35 im not 50. And everyone used to think only a year ago that I looked 24. Have I really aged in a year from all the ruggss stress? Idk. But my bdd in my mind took a ticket to ride on that one.
So the volunteer left by lunch and I was finally on my own. But my workplace is at a standstill with mismanagement to the shops again that I literally am unable to do things much. Its very frustrating the way they dont manage anything and yet claim they do.
At least this morning I had my own self care time and enjoyed making a large green juice and drank that. Man that is something I hadnt done in a while. It made me feel really good. And the morning before that I had a beetroot based juice. So Im happy Im on a role again actively by enforcing these good habit I used to habit before rugs. The more I take the juices, the more I feel content inside. The more I want more. Its a huge burst of nutrition in one big hit. Makes a difference. Juice was my thing. Turns me into a better person. Makes me feel more me.
Anyways - I saw rugs this afternoon and couldnt tolerate his smoking smell combined with his depderant and hairsrpay. I even had to air out the lounge once he had gone. I feel rude but I just cant go near him anymore - he is basically deadly to me and not in the aboriginal sense. I end up with migraines and burning lungs and throat and things like that around him.
theslowesthand
Banned
Have you discussed this with rugs? Maybe he could do something about it?
grapevine
Well-known member
Thanx Lowest.
Yeah I have a little to maybe alot but not on the weighty of it as much. But tonight I did confront him a bit about if I go over there and stay over ( watch Netflix up late) and sleep in that environment that I end up back not getting a good nights sleep and feeling worse than groggy. End up with aching body and pain in my thyroid/neck like a burning sensation and also shallow breathing which is maybe anxiety mixed with the chemicals. He has and his environment has a very strong smell of deodorant, hairspray and smoking. I cant even go near him. Im trying to work out- 1. Is that I distance myself from him and I have been.
2. How to be a casual friend whilst avoiding his toxins that affect sensitive me. lol.
Yeah I have a little to maybe alot but not on the weighty of it as much. But tonight I did confront him a bit about if I go over there and stay over ( watch Netflix up late) and sleep in that environment that I end up back not getting a good nights sleep and feeling worse than groggy. End up with aching body and pain in my thyroid/neck like a burning sensation and also shallow breathing which is maybe anxiety mixed with the chemicals. He has and his environment has a very strong smell of deodorant, hairspray and smoking. I cant even go near him. Im trying to work out- 1. Is that I distance myself from him and I have been.
2. How to be a casual friend whilst avoiding his toxins that affect sensitive me. lol.