Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Last night I slept over rugs place again - I was in confident spirits for once . I felt that feeling u feel when you let things just flow through you and be yourself. But the fact that I had to work today and get up in the morning from his place was a bit much. I just have a hard time in my priorities lately.
And I guess I just get plagued by rugs being sexual and not that sensual I guess- where I am craving feeling and wanting him to be more loving to me I guess and yet he is more concerned with pleasing me than that, but it takes time I guess.
I'm working tomorrow but he asked me again this morning if I would like to come over again and I said I would think about it. Idk - I like going over there but I need to be ontop of my own stuff too. And his place is indeed a bit of a mess with tobacco leaves everywhere all the time and I feel he is just not caring much about his appearance . It bugs me how he talks about how when he got really ill in psychosis many years ago that after that he lost his heart in things. But I cannot change those things. But I guess I feel like in a way that I am being taken advantage of a bit because I'm the one making more an effort for someone who is basically at this stage in their life a bum with no money and bad hygiene. It just makes me question myself esteem. But then he is enrolling for a diploma course tomorrow.

Its funny that lately because I have been so jumpy to go over his place that I have forgotten what its like to be with myself and relax- that doing the things I normally doesnt feel the same anymore. But I do need a huge big rest to get my mind and body into some relaxation and know where I am what I am doing and all that.

Since I got home I have only just had some time for myself. And I have had a message from rugs telling me he will talk soon. It feels a bit odd considering every afternoon we are messaging each other in the moment. But I admit there needs to be a break.

Its just hard to wind down from seeing him I guess. Not that its a big deal but that I leave my own stuff behind when I do. And what I really want is to be on top of all of my affairs and stuff. Last night he was very appreciated of me coming over and kept telling me. ITs like he just doesnt want to be alone in his garage anymore. That perhaps his mental health issues can get the better of him maybe. That he gets lonely and bored.

I just keep having a sense that I want him to be and do other things slightly than what he does. But all in time. I feel there can be shifts like always.

 

[grapevine]

I havent wrote in here in days because I basically been living over rugs place. There are so many things that I feel I want to talk about but because I am over his place right now Im not exactly relaxed enough.

I just feel like my values- I am trodding on them for things that arent worth it.

Just today I feel so ugly and I hate that he has to have a blonde girl on his screen saver- he just changes it. So i go and put a guy I like (xavier rudd) as my profile picture - just because I can.

Im just sick of this bdd. This morning I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store and in the shower in the morning and my whole day I have felt horrid. It just hits me though and makes it far worse when there is a picture of some blonde you know. And then all that 'stuff' comes back that he only likes me for my body and that he is just a taker.. etc..

I just feel like I am doing too much in this relationship. But I have been sleeping over 5 nights a week at this stage- and no not sexual most nights- just company and basically living there. I guess its just confusing for me, I hardly am ever at home anymore. And to not have your homely comforts that is your space maybe that is getting to me- but its like going home - Im confused a bit to where I am at - and I feel so wound up and a social when I am away, when I am home it takes me time to wind down.

To cleanse myself of the cigarette smoke too and to sleep for a good while in my own bed. To have my own proper food etc. I feel so wrinkled in my face - so tired and exahausted. I am sick of sleeping in a smoke filled room at his place and I couldnt believe it the first time he was in my car and just started smoking in there- im like omg..

and it takes for ever to get those toxins out- get the smell out - I dont even know if I can anymore- I feel angry and trod on because he is ruining my health, ruined my car air.. etc..

but it my choice. But I buy everything - I do too much and he has 0 money. So we cant go out places much - well not all. I was lucky to be given a voucher from my mum to go out to tea- he got a free pizza whilst I paid for my own. I had to buy him a drink tho. I have paid for him eating out lots of times now and paid for many other things and I dont mind so much - but its uncomfortable and its becoming a bad habit. In many ways I just feel uncomfortable and being taken for granted. I mean - why cant he smoke outside for me- he has done that once or so but then stopped after half an hour. I did tell him once - by a message that I get really ill with his smoke but I still come over- and he said he would smoke outside then, but I was stupid and felt uncomfortable and said that its his place .. so.. and he just doesnt care and just goes ahead and smokes in front of me all the time.

But in my car.. I absolutely hate it- its crossing a boundary so badly - I get very annoyed and angry about it but I havent even said anything yet- but like shouldnt he even know that? I mean my god- he cannot tell?

Im just hormonal and tired and probably going to actually go home soon. Dont know if I will stay home for once or come back here. I dont know. His place isnt 'nice' - his room/garage anyway- I tried cleaning it when he was out but it was a bit hard.
I went out and bought soe good sheets and bedding and made the bed all nice now so that is something- but its the smoke I cannot stand- he smokes like 3-4 in an hour it seems - maybe less idk.. but sleeping in that- can you imagine..

for someone like me that is a total health freak.

 

[grapevine]

So okay things are okay - just money wise things feel abit awkward. But anyway, its not about the relationship im in - its about my damn bdd.

And how it plays out in my life. I hate photos I have a HUGE phobia of them. I hate that today we went for a walk and he took some photos I was un-awheres and then told me. Im like noooooo I cannot look at them at all. I am so so sensitive and then I go on facebook and slightly glance at a photo of me ... and I just cannot look- but I see kinda and its realy hard to not feel bad about myself- all the bad things that go through my mind..
how I dont want to be seen and all of that and just so much negative stuff from seeing a quick blurred vision photo of myself he took.

I dont know - its very hard for other people to understand the gravity of this illness BDD.
Its really hard. I feel that I just cannot win- with the camera with mirrors with people about how I look- and by winning I mean by grasping some sort of body image in my mind that is healthy/positive.

I feel like I just look daggy no matter what I wear and my hair is always mousy and bad no matter how I look on good days in my safe mirrors. There is always going to be bad photos all the time and I can never look at any photos anyway of me - accept ones that I have felt confident enough to actually take myself and actually look at properly.

I just hate feeling this way. Its like it skews with your whole perception of yourself. ITs like I am going out soon to get some food and its like I just dont want to be seen ..

REALLY ------ I am having a full on attack now ----

I hate this - I didnt want him to put them on fb.. I look horrible .. REALLY horrible for all to see- I hate myself the way I look truely and it really deeply hurts.

 

[grapevine]

So I had an attack that I knew would happen at some stage. I just really really hate this - I am so sick of it - things are so heightened. Im sick of living so obscurely because of BDD.

I am sick of it beating down on my self esteem. Questioning my value of myself. And having to hide from my reflections because it skews with my self esteem.

I try not to let that base my self esteem. Truely- but now that I am in a relationship- it just - even though I know that he is with not for that reason- I cannot help but feel so ugly and less than and question why he is with me and then remember all those things that support those bad things.

To see bad photos of yourself- just I will prob mention in detail another time. But its just everyone always looks normal and I just dont know why I always look completely different to what I look like in my 'safe' mirrors'.

 

[grapevine]

Its soo bad right now. Really really bad. I just want to run well well away. I cant believe I look like that. And to look like that and be with someone. I just want to hide, I dont want to be near anyone. It really hurts.

It hurts to see photos of yourself so horrid with your partner in it looking nice you know. So many things. Bad things. And I wonder why am I here, why is he with me. Why do I look so bad and unlike what I see in the mirror.

I look terrible. And I guess living at his place basically for over a week and most weeks before that- only really taking an hour at home to do things to come back- idk- there is no way I am at all looking after myself like this.

I am hating myself. What do you do when you see yourself so badly in many pics and that there is nothing good about you. My whole life has been like that.

I just feel like dying. I dont want to be here right now - I dont want to be anywhere- I dont want to be with anyone - noone- even him - even though he cares for me.
I just want to be lying on the bathroom floor at home and crying my eyes out - even to force tears. Ive been so bound up with everything, its all overwhelming.

Ive been living without my own things- without my health. Been in intense cigarette smoke for nearly a month now and it truely sux. I used to notice it more but I dont as extreme as I did and that worries me- it makes me angry.

I mean, everything Ive done for myself - research and acting on it - from juicing to eating the way I do to sprouts to my daily practices - all about my health and then to be with someone - basically live with them and it all comes down.

Smoke- I hate it . He makes an effort - if I be assertive he will. Just hate it in the car too.

I deeply like him- its like I knew I had beforehand. Its weird tho, because I used to be so obsessed with him - and I would crave his voice at work- I got so upset when he got fired. It was like my heart had dropped.

But now, its odd because he cant seem to get enough of me and I crave my own space for my health now.

I dont know, there is elements that will always haunt me though. To do with bdd and also my low self esteem. But I need to take things slow.

Its weird how tho, Ive never been in such an easy relationship before, not like this - where everything is so easy and secure and that I feel like I dont need him, yet I like to be with him and do things for him. I dont know- is that love? I dont know. I think I feel love for him def under all my insecurities. But when I have this bdd - things are so sensitive- I feel like withdrawing.

 

[grapevine]

Honestly hate the way I look- just cannot believe that is what I am going around with looking like. I hate this disorder. I wanted to journal tonight and have goals at the end of it- goals to make me look better and feel better but its not going to happen. not right now.

I dont think I can do anything to fix. I mean, he is just with someone like me but not for how I look. It hurts and I just dont want to be seen or heard. I just want to give up and float away somewhere.

 

[Sacrament]

What's wrong with your look?

 

[grapevine]

Hi ..

Well I had photos taken of me by my bf.. you know those types of photos where you dont know theyve been taken.. the ones where your laughing and you look like some hick with teeth sticking out and all that..

then he goes and puts it on fb. I let it define me. Terrible photos - Ive avoided them for so long- the last time was a photo on here and that was more of when I actually felt good. But I dont anymore.

I can see how badly I look- its like nothing ever goes right for me I guess. I look ratty and my hair mousey and what ever I wear always ends up looking un-fashionable really. Despite me wearing skinny jeans and up to date fashion tops.. on me the tops look like sports ware or overly casual. But its freezing see and even when I buy new clothes - tops - they are always way too big for me now.. and daggy even more.

But my biggest concern with how I look is my face and hair and I always want to hide it away. I want to get cheek filler because I look a little withdrawn in the face since I lost alot of weight over a year. And my hair, it just goes all kinda frizzy like and the colour weird..

I want to look my best --- and also my eyelids.. I have droopy types kinda- and I had been using this japanese eye tape stuff that lifts for some time and was liking it - but have lost them since because Ive been over my bf place.

Its like, for me I feel like in order to feel much better- I need filler in my cheeks ( and I nearly had a session to get that but canceled it because I had my bf sleeping over my place and I didnt want him to know about it as you get bruises afterwards).. and my eye tapes and also somehow fixing my ratty hair and also finding some clothes that can look better on me.

I dont think I will ever be able to feel comfortable with photos. There are none of me at home except for a wedding and childhood ones. I really have a phobia of it.

So I just really - to see my bf looking as he does in real life in photos and me looking shockingly different to how I look in the mirror - how I see myself..

I look so daggy and I can see how he had mentioned to me how he would like me to look better.

Its affecting alot atm. I have trouble kissing him in daylight. Its really hard- I get so self conscious.

and I do not try to show any of these insecurities onto him. They are not for him to deal with you know and they are sensitive too.

Its just on really bad days - you do not want to be looked at all by anyone and when you are its very uncomfortable.

 

[Jungle]

Hello grapevine,

Sorry to ask this but : What's the reason of your weight loss? Stress?

Do you drink milk and/or eat dairy in general? This is good to get fat cheeks.
Rest assured, I don't always look on pictures the way I look in the mirror, this is normal.

As for your boyfriend, there is no other solution than : talk to him about you being uncomfortable about pictures.

 

[grapevine]

Well I lost 30kg over a year and more - very easily - Ive always been vegan - but I took up 70-80% raw vegan- meaning that I eat huge salads and lots and lots of whole foods. Made a wealth of difference for me in terms of my physicality. Basically its the only thing I seem to like about myself these days. That I dont have to worry about my weight- I eat how I like and indulge and it just doesnt add on really which is cool. I dont eat many grains either.

Its just a thing that comes with weightloss I guess- its not really noticable at all - but it is to me- I know I would feel better in myself to have my cheeks plumped a bit lol. Its an age thing too - as I am 33 and lost a heap of wieght. Im lucky I dont wave any loose skin- but my face - I jsut want a little lift and that is what this filler does- I had a consultation months ago and was disappointed that I didnt go ahead with it.

Ive talked to my bf about the photos - I messaged him about it- despite being in the same room lol. He came and rubbed my back and got me a hot tea and layed with me. but he is yet to take those photos off. err. I choose not to project my own insecurities onto him tho- you know Ive been in an abusive relationship 9 years ago where I just wanted a guy to give me self esteem because I didnt have it myself .. and that is not a good situation to be in. Im proud and happy that I am in this relationship tho.. its going so well, so smooth - he is very loyal - yet I always want to read into things because I dont feel good about myself.

I want to dress up and change how I look- I want to look really good for once and also be able to be comfortable with the camera. Because when we have children in a few years- if that happens - I want photos of course.

It just sux this bdd. Truely.

I guess- I just want to be able to face him properly and authentically without this crippling bdd/image thing about my face .. if its filler that may help - or maybe starting to wear some makeup or even my eye tapes (lol) and doing my hair - learning things .. then perhaps those things will lift me up.

Its just, I get so insecure about my face and my hair. And I hate seeing his screen saver of some young blonde woman. And its left open and he just stares at it sometimes. In retaliation I went and changed my fb profile picture to a guy I like (Xavier Rudd), and that helped me.

The things that really help me tho- are when I look at old highschool friends I dont know anymore- I look them up - the ones that arent good looking (sounds mean).. but they are beautiful and they make an effort and have partners etc.. I look at them and it makes me feel better and determined to do the same.

But having bdd is just so difficult - there comes times when you just cannot deal with your image and have to get away from it.

You know - Im dating a guy that loves taking selfies of himself and loves taking ages doing his hair in the mirror.. and yet I pass him in the bathroom and put my head down.. look at the floor because I cannot see my reflection.. I get very emotional and its a huge dread but also like an ocd thing too.
I will want to try and fix things perhaps or I will go to hell in anxiety and depression -in a bdd attack maybe for hours that could lead to a week maybe.

Its just hard to manage.

 

[Jungle]

Being Vegan, is basically living like a monk! No milk and no honey isn't easy to abstain from eating. You have such great willpower.

Well I guess I am out of advice. sorry :sad:

 

[grapevine]

lol - ive been vegan since i was 14 tho ..and im 33 now so lol

 

[grapevine]

So one part of me is just truely hating my appearance right now- in full fury - but not as full as I know it will probably get to.

The other part of me is saying that he is just with you because he is lonely and I shower him with gifts and all sorts of things that money can buy plus sex.. plus days out - those sort of things..

and its like - I need to strip those things away.. I think he really likes me- but I cannot tell right now. Its like he is kind of in the situation I was in with the abusive guy from my past.. in small ways- I remember I wanted to be there because I loved Sydney and wanted to stay in the city and I had changed and everyday was exciting. Its funny how I an see it from the otherside now and how its kind of me doing that to him now - and I can see how I am the one doing things. Its like is that why he is with me?

Idk, I have low self esteem more today.

 

[grapevine]

Well yesterday I had a good day at work and its weird that when somedays your all of a sudden in popularity. People I work with holding me in high regard. Idk, sounds egotistic doesnt it?

Its just nice to feel regarded tho. One old guy yesterday and a few others wanted me to buy a iittle dress. Said it would look good on me and then one said I could prob look good in a picnic rug and still would. So I guess that skewed my thinking to feeling better about myself in regards to my body image.

But its like yeah my body .. but its my face I have bdd.

But my thoughts arent all about that atm. They are about my relationship with rugs. I get a little concerned because it seems that all of his inhibitions have gone when he is around me. And I question what does that mean?

I will add that I have basically slept over his place every night for about 2 weeks or more. Like Ive been living there. Is it that he is just so used to me that he just lets go.. is it that he just doesnt care that I am there anymore?

Because I always have thought that if you like someone there is an element of shyness there- that you just dont completely let go - not in only a month of being with someone. Like he doesnt care if he farts now and becomes retarded about it.

Idk.

But I am holding my boundaries from today. Ive done too much. I like doing that, but I cant be the only giver in the relationship- sure he has no money- but there are other ways he can give to me.

I am so curtious to him- I remember the slightest things he has said and let him know days later- I buy him things all the time, I just enjoy being very compassionate- but I think I am letting him get away with him expecting me to be like that all the time.

I just feel like often that he is with me because he can sponge off me and know I will just keep giving to him. I dont think that is true at all- but it is how it feels.

I mean he smokes in my car- he makes an effort for 2 cigarettes at his place to smoke outside and then the next time smokes in his room - where we sleep.

I literally have been ill from it. When I go to the toliet I even smell nicatine . And I am a complete health nut.

I jsut get so angry that I am being so damn nice to him and respectful and he is not really.

And for that I guess I am just going to go out and say it- that I am into my health goals and I dont want to sleep in smoke and that I have to find some way of completely airing out my car..

Its just really annoying that he can be so insensitive - like how could you just smoke in someone's car like that - with the windows up .. and placing you butts in there.. knowing that they dont like cigarettes and get ill???

he has apathy from his medication.

Im just going to hold back from now.

I think the less he will see of me and the more I let go and just work on myself - letting him know I am- maybe he might respect me again.

 

[Sacrament]

You're letting him step all over you, and at the same time you still want to improve yourself because of him. Do you not see what's wrong here? You're yearning for his respect when he clearly has none for you, and does all sorts of things you don't like. Dump his a$$.

 

[grapevine]

Okay.. I needed that

I see it more clearly from someone else's perspective. But I guess the way I write is very emotive without clear facts. But the thing is that I have the control to put my foot in, which is what I want to do from now on and I know that he will follow in my boundaries if I voice myself. Im just not used to doing it- and doing it in a black and white way.

Im stopping my free gifting to him for now and am going to put my voice where I want respect. I like how I feel like I dont NEED him.. which is really good. Also though I do like what he has to offer - he is just a full on bum right now.

I dont write much about his good points - but I dont really feel the need to. Its the bad stuff that gets to me because I have allowed it. So its been a month in from today and I know that if I put my boundaries in place from now on - I will see if he is worth it then I guess.

Funny thing now though too. Is that every now and then I get into these spirals of feeling like I am never going to be good enough in my face in looks for him - he is never going to be attracted to my face - but I think I am processing that in my own head and that is not the case. There has been plenty of things to tell me otherwise but I choose not to listen.

And my goals about wanting to be more feminine are my own and have been for awhile- but I feel in conflict of them - that I dont want to go out and dress up better and wear a little makeup and feel good if it means that he thinks its because he said he would like to see me like that.

It just messes with me. I guess what I am going to do is concentrate on my self worth more again - where I am going quite good atm. And not shower him with stuff. I will restrict all of that as of today and from now on. Its up to him to show me what kind of person he is - and I know men are completely blind to women's thoughts and feelings 99 percent of the time, but Im not going to say anything about this - im just not going to feed him with my love when he isnt respecting me.

 

[Sacrament]

Put your foot down hard whenever you feel as though he's not giving you the respect you deserve. At the same time, convince yourself that you deserve joy and tranquility, and that if he doesn't provide for those three things, then he's not worthy of your affection. Don't let him keep repeating things you don't like just because he feels as though there are no consequences.

 

[grapevine]

I get it i think I have to remember also that he does have a mental illness too -that his schizophrenic medication can make him forgetful/zoned out/ and in-hygienic .. I have found that I have to actively remind him to things - and that is me putting my foot down - and he does what I say - I have to remind him tho.

Today he came over my parents for lunch. It was a little uncomfortable for me - but it was good. This morning though, we messaged each other for 2 hours and I was high in pms and bdd and very anxious and frustrated in his intentions in our relationship.

It all came like a floodgate and I handed all my insecurities about him on a platter. He got overwhelmed - no guy likes that- I know that! But as a woman I needed to do that- I was so emotional these past few days.

haha- I even told him he should dye his hair blonde and then I will do the same lol.. he takes pride in his hair and straight away said no way.. so I called him a hypocrite lol.. I think I scared him lol

but I got some things out of him this morning that pleased me and I feel I am ready to leave it at that and perhaps just go with the flow whilst being assertive of my own boundaries.

I think my insecurities tho regarding bdd are for therapy now and my own stuff- I dont feel right now that I will attach those insecurities onto his world from my point of view - if that makes sense ?

So I am thinking about going back to CBT again- I did that in 08 - it was kind of a bit rigid for me as I already think like that - I always question- but I go deeper than cbt ... I was thinking about acceptance and comittment therapy instead maybe? Idk..

Or maybe I just need more sessions with my current therapist?
Because I feel that I may be able to turn things around at this point. To be able to generate a little bit better body image and self image perhaps?

I dont know. My problem is that I have always had others see me very differently to how I have seen myself in my most confident times - and it spins me out, makes me question myself and stops me wanting to improve myself I guess.

 

[grapevine]

So okay there is one ingredient that is embarrassing to even mention when it comes to me and seeking a relationship - the one thing that i felt was missing in the relationship im in and i know i am a person that can over-think but I dont do it like i used to - i get to the points that bother me - in order to achieve some sort of better mentality.

So the one thing that was bothering me was that I just felt like if he didnt find me attractive then why was he wanting to be with me? And that gave me all sorts of horrid pathways.. thinking I was being used or sponged on .. stuff like that really.

I mean he would say a few times how I could look better and alot of times tell me he likes my body.. nearly all the time.. but I would think that meant negative stuff to my face you know..
but I mentioned it this morning - how its my face i have bdd about ..

and he told me he thinks im very pretty - and added that he really does. And whether or not he meant it - I am choosing to take it and hold it because I feel better because of it.

He doesnt think i need makeup - I never wear any - but I mentioned how Lush has vegan makeup now and would like to try some.

Anyway, like I was saying, that was the one thing holding me back really. I thought - why is he with me if he doesnt like how I look? My face.. but yet wants to kiss me??

And thats a thing too.. Ive had trouble kissing him because of this issue- because of my bdd of my face.. but him saying that nice thing has made me feel a bit better and when I work on myself a bit more mentally and physically (health) - I think I will be able to - have the confidence to properly do that.

There were 2 things actually with him. One was the issue I just mentioned- and the other is the smoking and periods of a certain apathy and incinserity, and also periods of unihibited behaviour lol. But he has a mental illness and I knew that going in. And these things arent huge things- and the things that I can put my foot down on - like the smoking inside- he wll act on for me - just need to keep reminding him.

But the thing is now.. because I got what I wanted - for him to say something nice to me about my face (which sounds so retarded .. he had said it before but I didnt believe.. I will just believe now..regardless.. ) that I feel like I can start to let my guard down with him and let go perhaps..

let go more.. and its scary because that means I am trusting him.. but he trustworthy. As much as I know that can sound abusive like praising.. its not- he is a very loyal person. Ive probed him enough I think now in asking him why he is with me.. his intentions.. and everytime he has told me how much he likes me and is liking me even more.. and im just being myself.. I thought that perhaps it was that I was over-doing it.. and maybe I have been - but we have decided to slow down a bit as of the other day- Im only going to sleep over at least 2-3 nights per week than all the time lol..

Because I have my goals I want to achieve and we both should have our own space ... and Im feeling much better from being out of cigarette smoke now .. omg.

But I feel right now kind of edgy .. like im winding down from being with him almost constantly for a month .. its been a month we have been together and been intense but fun and with a few (pms) times I had felt my bdd explode and try to understand him and my bdd .. but its been good tho.

Because we had been together for weeks - sleeping in the same room and hanging out all the time- I found it hard to FEEL things for him.. esp also because of my bdd..

but the moment that I am home and I dont hear from him.. tonight - he is obviously sleeping.. I freak out a bit .. and the feelings that I used to get when he used to work at my work.. just his voice even I would long for then.. I feel that coming back a bit .. that I realise that for some long time I have actually felt deep feelings for him- even when it was just a crush.. because I would analyse that crush for what it was and see he wasnt that person I was putting up in my dreams.. and recognised who he was naturally .. and still felt the same thing..

but because Ive spent so much time with him now - with no secrets of him anymore and with all his faults to see.. its been foggy.. but how I see him when he is not in my world tells me how I feel ..

 

[grapevine]

.. and gee whiz.. I bought an ebook last night on how to have a good relationship etc.. I am always reading stuff... but I hate it how it takes 24 hours to actually be able to download your ebook ... like what the?? Ive been waiting since last night.. lol