Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Thinkin' about doing myself in...

Hud enough o' huvin to tolerate the stupidity and ignorance that flows from my mother and sister's mouths on a daily basis. Constantly huvin to agree n' validate every idea or suggestion they make to me. Since criticism ain't taken so well by the wimmin in my immediate family. Cuz, y'know, cannae be huvin their son and wee brother huvin a mind o' his own, can we now? :kickingmyself:

But that how it is now, isn't it? Can't disagree or you'll hurt somebuddy's feelings. :crying: Sad c*nts!

And this f*ckin' blame culture, where it's always tha man's fault, innit? Cuz, apparently, feminist logic dictates that wimmin do f*ck all wrong, know everything and perfect. At least, that the rhetoric that my family huv been slapping me in the face n' kickin' me in tha bawz with fur the last 15 years.

And they wonder why am I the way I am. But again, that's my fault as well, according to them. Nothing to do with being raised in household where the wimmin are prone to violent. sweary tantrums and startin' arguments over the most trivial things. Nope! But, the f**k do I know, eh? I'm merely an observer, keep to masel' and shake my head. mg: Doubt moving out would make a lick o' different to be honest. Since they'd still find a way to make my life as miserable as they do now. With the constant contradicting me, telling me what I can n' can't do. To the point where I've just stopped caring or making an effort.

 

[theslowesthand]

Doubt moving out would make a lick o' different to be honest. Since they'd still find a way to make my life as miserable as they do now

Well ya never know till ye try. I wouldn't write it off. Perhaps you could try things differently. All i can say is don't give up hope. As that's all some of us have left. Cling-on for dear life to HOPE.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well ya never know till ye try. I wouldn't write it off.

True. But ah doubt it'll happen, cuz my mother and oldest sister seem more concerned about me caring for them, than the thought of living independently. Since every time I raise that topic, ma sister goes: "Aye, you'll cope awrite". And my Mum's overly dramatic making it about her! "Oh, how will ah cope on ma ain?

Dinnae leave me!"

Perhaps you could try things differently.

Like? :idontknow: Kinda difficult to live life on your terms when everybuddy aroon ye is constantly telling ye what ye should do, contradicting ya. And never lettin' you make yer ain decisions, in terms o' doing right by yersel'. :kickingmyself: Y'know, despite this shite-talk o' me being sensible n' responsible.

 

[Graeme1988]

All i can say is don't give up hope. As that's all some of us have left. Cling-on for dear life to HOPE.

I'm about ready to give aw hope, tae be honest. Since nuthin's changed in the last year as far as my family's attitude towards me. Still see me as a kid, just cuz I'm the youngest. And I'm a lost cause in many ways, really, due to neither my mum or dad caring enough to teach how to cope with life as ah get older. Cuz giving disabled people a sheltered existence really works out well for them, doesn't it? h:

My mother cares more about my sisters, nieces and the wimmin in tha family anyway. She's always prioritised them over me. Cuz, y'know, that how these mad, mental feminists view things. If yer a wummin, ye get special treatment, told yer good, etc. Men? Scum o' th

 

[Graeme1988]

All i can say is don't give up hope. As that's all some of us have left. Cling-on for dear life to HOPE.

I'm about ready to give aw hope, tae be honest. Since nuthin's changed in the last year, as far as my family's attitude towards me at least. Still see me as a kid, just cuz I'm the youngest.

And I'm a lost cause in many ways, really, due to neither my mum or dad caring enough to teach how to cope with life as ah get older. Cuz giving disabled people a sheltered existence really works out well for them, doesn't it? h: :kickingmyself:
Been hard having to learning how to fend for masel' the hard way. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm f*ckin' done! F*ck hopin' that yin day it'll aw be better. F*ck waitin' fur the folk around ye tae change their ways. Cuz, fur me, it's never gonnae happen. Nae chance! Not at this rate, anyway.

Cannae even get pissed off at my own mother, without being accused of "talking down" to her. Despite the fact, if she didnae ask such stupid, obvious questions and actually listened to me for once, our relationship might not be in the state it's in. But talking down to me is perfectly acceptable. :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

But hey, I'm treated more like my dad than her feckin' son. :sad: With utter contempt cuz that's the only way she knows how tae treat the men in her life. Well, no when oot in public with me, at least. So, good tae see the emotional scars of her past domestic abusive relationships huv'nae faded. But then she openly admitted that's why she never remarried after my dad. And probably why she's such a control freak. :idontknow:

Dinnae worry for me, though. How she treated me over the year has had no impact on why I am the way I am. h:
Apparently, you just become this angry, dour-faced and perpetually miserable by virtue of being born in a Celtic nation. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't really kno"w what to do with my life. :idontknow: Kinda at yet another low point as far as being hopeful that things'll work oot. Guess ah don't see things going well, long-terms. Plus, nae point gittin' ma hopes up if disappointment is likely.

My sister sarcastically asked me when "the album comin' oot", as I've got fifteen - well, sixteen since yesterday evening - instrumental music composition just sitting on my laptop's main hard drive.

Oh, and we already argued over the publishing rights, even though I offered her an additional composer credit, but she doesnae want it. Since she's been offering suggestions, just from hearing me working on these instrumentals. So, I'm just bracing masel' for her resent towards me when I do, eventually, take the risk and start uploading to either...

or...

But I'm a very reluctant to do either, since I don't think what I've got is all that great - musically speaking. But het, I've never been confident enough in my abilities to brag about anything I can do. I mean, I've got a decent ear for music as far what I think sounds good, but not much in the way of talent.

 

[Graeme1988]

Just realised ah tend to do too much. In that, ah need to be doing summit daily or gan somewhere at least once a month. Don't know if that's me overcompencating for the boredom o' ma ain existence. Or me needing to get as much intae the day as possible? :idontknow:
In other words too many stories tae tell, and no enough time tae reflect upon things. h:

 

[Graeme1988]

He's a b@$%@rd. That's aw he is - a f*ckin' b@$%@rd - My mother

So, eh, me hearing what I've quoted above fae my mum - this apparently has zero negative impact upon her only son (me), according to her. :kickingmyself: Is that right? :thinking:Keep in mind ah've heard this from my mother in relation to men for the past nearly 15 years o' ma life. Expect me apparently, work that yin oot. So, nae link between hearing this toxic, man-hating mantra constantly, my non-existent self-esteem/confidence and me still being single? It's just... :idontknow: Guess it's just gets tae me, as hard as ah let it not. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

She's hateful wummin, my mother. She says she's no like that ataw. But she rarely hus a good wird tae say aboot anyone, it seems. Especially if yer a man, then yer scum o' the feckin' earth. But she couldnae live withoot me, or so she says. Funny how she says that, yet still treat me like shit. But hey I'm the bad yin. Always. :kickingmyself: :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

:idontknow: :crying: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Pretty much how ah feel at the moment. Not even being funny when ah say that. :kickingmyself:​

Gordon Ramsay Uncensored Rapid Fire Highlights

 

[Graeme1988]

Seether - Misunderstood

Every time you stand up
Ready for your closeup
I keep wondering
How it's all supposed to be
This is gonna blow up
Storming in a teacup
I'll keep swimming
Steadily against the stream
You don't even heed me
Treat me as an enemy
See me as a failure
And see me as dumb
You don't even need me
Keep it all in harmony
I am disappointment
And I am no fun

How could this be misunderstood

No one will tell you
Why they smile as they berate you
They keep saying it's gonna be fine
No one will help you
As they constantly sedate you
They keep killing the grape on the vine

Singing your own praises
Constantly amazes
I don't wanna hear the words
You're saying to me
How can I rephrase this
You're all rats in mazes
Constantly you're fighting
Over scraps of the cheese
Observing all your weakness
Puddles have more deepness
Empty vessels clamoring across the sea
Revel in your genius
Eating clean and needless
I'll be in the corner
With my dignity​

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah think... Naw, am definitely at my breaking point. No happy ataw. But I've not been happy in years. :crying: Aye, there's been the odd bit o' happiness, but it's hardly coincidence that aw those moment happened when I'm outta the house and far from the shitehole town ah've lived in all ma life.

Don't even think this wee getaway tae Edinburgh next week will help or solve anythin' for me either. Not really, other than makin' me forget about ma shitty life for a few days.

Oddly enough, a lad who works for my internet and phone provider came oot yesterday to fix the issue I was huvin with ma broadband. And he wus sayin' how much money he makes on the job - a fair bit the further he has to travel. Anyway, he telt me that a few months he'd had a 2 week job up in the far north o' Scotland. Didnae see a single person going about, with exception o' the staff in the hotel he wus staying in.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I live in a pretty shite-hole town as well. Predatory money loan/ check cashing businesses, pawn shops, a hospital so I hear ambulance sirens at odd hours of the night. There are good aspects from where I'm from too, but...you know, it isn't the rich and privileged side of town.

When I read the life stories you post I always put myself in your shoes and imagine how I would react to others that treat me like they treat you. I would slam the door emotionally and physically to anyone that treats me that way. If people lie to me all the time than I don't want anything to do with them anymore. I think you're a better person than me for still sharing all your music with people that want to treat you like crap emotionally.

 

[defiance]

:idontknow: :crying: :kickingmyself:

That's been me everyday for a while now. All I need to do now is the last part and then I'll be done with this shitty world.

 

[Graeme1988]

I live in a pretty shite-hole town as well. Predatory money loan/ check cashing businesses, pawn shops, a hospital so I hear ambulance sirens at odd hours of the night. There are good aspects from where I'm from too, but...you know, it isn't the rich and privileged side of town.

Oh, same can be said of my town in terms of being poor as f*ck, I used to live in a council estate - the scheme as we Scots huv nicknamed it - which was and still is a rough area of my town. Moved to a more central part o' town while I was still a wee lad.

A jazz music festival is about the only good thing about the town I live. Oh, and local tattoo parlour which has turned out to be better than I first assumed. But other than that, it's boring. Banks, bars, charity shops, food takeaways, 2 massive supermarkets and a discount clothing store is pretty much sums up my hometown.

When I read the life stories you post I always put myself in your shoes and imagine how I would react to others that treat me like they treat you. I would slam the door emotionally and physically to anyone that treats me that way. If people lie to me all the time than I don't want anything to do with them anymore.

Believe me, were it up to me and had the final say, I'd have cut ties with my mother after that incident with the manicure scissors and moved oot. Or before that when her unhinged, man-hating rants become too infuriating to listen to. :kickingmyself: And looking back, I'd have cut my sister outta my life in the summer of 2009. Again, were I to have had the last word on the matter.

But ah guess I've got accustomed to how they treat me. So much so that I've just become numb to as far as reeacting to it physically. Mentally n' emotional I'm a wreck fae aw the stress, stupidity and bat-shit crazy dysfunction I'm stuck in the middle of. But I just keep to myself, since I've witnessed and been on the receiving of how my mother and siblings react physically to being treated badly. With violence... Shouting, swearing, slamming doors, smashing things. And I've been stab, slapped and pushed over the years. So...

Plus, given my height, size, and the fact I frequently lift 20kg dumbbell weights, I dread think what I'd be capable of were I to react physical. Pretty sure I'd go beyond slamming the door and boot the f*cker clean off its hinges.

They think I'm just being sarcastic and laugh it off, anyway. Whenever they ask me how am feelin', and ah just give the matter of fact answers of either:

"No" or "Depressed" or "Same ol' shit, different day"​

But never go beyond those answers because I know they'll respond by saying I'm ungrateful, why should I be depressed, I'm just using that as an excuse, etc. Because for some reason, they always make it about them, And how I'm selfish arsehole who only ever think about himself. Without a hint of irony, of course. In fact, my mum and older sisters haven't once apologised for how they've treated me for the past 15 years now. Nope! Just telt me I wus to blame, and expected me to just pretend they'd never said or done anything wrong to me. h:

Oh, and the fact they'll intentionally do things, like ask me stupid, obvious questions, to piss me off. But glad you can emphasize with me a wee bit. :thumbup:
,

 

[Graeme1988]

I think you're a better person than me for still sharing all your music with people that want to treat you like crap emotionally.

Better? Well, no really. See, I don't have much of a choice. Since me saying "No" to anything my mother and sisters ask of me is taken personal by them. Not kidding, either.

My oldest sister pretty much forces me to share every musically composition I'm working on, since she's look at whatever I'm doing on my laptop as soon as she enters my room. And lately, my recording software is the only thing open on my desktop, aside from my internet browser. And, just a couple days ago there, she nearly went in the huff because I was busy remixing and remastering a song I'd already let her hear, due not being happy with the original mix. But, no, she f*ckin' pestered me til I let her hear summit new. Like she has been, since I got back into making music, about me uploading my music to YouTube. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Same with the shitty, laughable band names and song titles she suggests. Which, it's clear tae me, zero thought went intae eiher suggestion. She even took umbrage and gave me grief for changing song title she came up, which I reluctantly went with. Even though she came up with it while I was in the middle of working on the music, and has less than 2 minutes worth. Let alone an actual tune. Anyway, once I'd added the drums to this electronic dance instrumental, they completely change the tone of the music. Making my sister's suggested title seem silly. Since the music didn't match the title.

And she's hinted wanting a composer credit, cuz like the song titles, she make her own arrangement changes as she's listening to the song. mg: But, apparently, it doesn't matter if the song title sound stupid. Or if the arrangement change suits the song or not. But, far beit for me to know what's best, huh? I've just been playing the guitar since I was 14.What could I possibly know about music production and making catchy tunes?

And I've argued with her on all the above, but the especially the uploading to YouTube. Since that should my decision, not summit I've been pressured intae. And the whole composer credit thing, ma sister didnae take to kindly to me, just stating the facts, pointing out that: I composed these instrumentals by myself, and her suggestions only came after them. So, does that mean she deserves any songwriter credit, despite me daein aw the work?

Also, I don't currently own a pair of closed-back, noise-cancelling headphones. Just some cheap wireless ones that connect via Bluetooth and don't sound that great. So the only way I can listen back to the music I'm making, is by hooking laptop up to my stereo, so the sound comes through the stereo speakers. Unless, I get a Bluetooth receiver/transmitter for my audio interface? :thinking: But I don't think that be worth it, even if it only cost me a few quid. Since it wouldn't change the sound quality of the wireless headphones.

Think ah might just quit making music again, or attempting to? Ever since I got back into it, my oldest sister has just drained aw the fun oot o' it. Made it mair aboot fame n' ego instead o' the music. :thumbdown: Every time ah start trying to write summit new, I immediately dismiss it as shite and second guess masel' by wondering whit kinda react that'd git were it uploaded tae YouTube? h: When that thought shouldnae even cross ma mind.