Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

That's been me everyday for a while now. All I need to do now is the last part and then I'll be done with this shitty world.

That been me for the past 15 years, pal. Hardly surprising, though. Considering the amount of dysfunctional BS I've just had to accept as "normal". :sad: :crying:

Sadly, f*ck all, has changed for me in that time. Well, except me becoming more withdrawn, introverted and wary of people and their intentions.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, there's go ma dream of possibly living independently of my family, as a disabled person. Just raised the issue with my mother n' go accused o'emotional blackmail.

Oh, the irony! When it's her sayin' shit like "Ah'll no cun cope withoot ye! Di​

Ah just telt that ah cannae keep being the financial n' emotional support aw the time. An' ah cannae... But ma mum couldnae give a f*ck the toll aw this arguing takes on me. Like am tha f*cker who hus tae walk on eggshell. I know it might seem weird, coming fae a big, hairy broon lad... but the wimmin in ma family f*kin' scare me. Seriously, yin wird or constructive criticism n' they flee off the handle.

Och well, that's ma last hope truly fuct n' buggered. At least, taking ma ain life's still in option. Since am never gonnae be happy the things're the noo. Gan back tae therapy would a waste o' time, in the current climate. What with most o' my unhappy steaming from the messed-up people around me. Otherwise known as family.

Just mair proof tae me that everybuddy else cun dae as they want. But ah'll forever be livin' on someone else's terms, never my own. Looks like ma purpose in life is helping others, at the expense of myself.

:sad: :crying: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well if the last month has taught me anything about life, it's this:

Relationships and marriage aren't f*ckin' worth it. Yer better off alone.​

All men are arseholes, b@$@%rds, evil c*nts, useless. And so on... Oh, women are always the victims. Never the abuser. Right?! Uh-huh! Sorry, I heard the aforementioned said enough times before entering adulthood to leave a deeply painful impression. :sad: Ah know, it's sad that that's the only way I've ever heard men spoken about in my family. And I'm all the aforementioned too. Guilt by association, it seems. And cuz I share looks and personality trait with my Dad! Apparently that enough to say I'm exactly like 'em. But hey that my mother logic and I've been told never question it. Or point out the how she wrong. :kickingmyself:

Makes me wonder why single mums decided to huv kids, I mean, aside from the obvious housing and welfare benefits? If yer just gonnae use 'em to get back at that husband or partner who mistreated ya afore ye eveb hud tha f*ckin' bairn, then why bother? Seriously? Yer just gonnae make the kid's life a f*kin' nightmare, and pass your issues onto them. Or is it only fair that the kid suffers because their dad's a c*nt? :question: :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Going to the Edinburgh Festival again this year next week. It's my 5th time attending, but my 4th consecutive year attending the festival. And... I'm not looking forward to it. :sad: Feeling quite guilty about going and having a good time with all the drama that's been gan oan it home with ma family. And my older sister and nieces are comin' over next week as well.

But I feel if I don't going to Edinburgh, I'll just go to ma local train, wait and...Oh, one under. Sorry for the delay on yer train journey, folks

I mean, doesnae seem right. Me away laughin' n' being happy, does it? Hardly fair oan them, is it? But it hardly fair on me, either. Considering I just have to put up with the drama. And appease the bitches. And they, feeling guilty for me point out how bat-shit crazy they collectively are go: "Sorry, ah didnae mean it! Ah know I'm no the easiest person tae live with. Forgive me? Ah love you" mg:

Sending the message that as long as yer a wummin, you can get away with anything. Cuz you'll get aw the sympathy, despite the untold misery you've caused. Then, of course, there's the double standard of demanding respect from men. But in the same breath treating men with nae respect.

Not say all wimmin are like this, of course. Just the ones I grew-up around.

Anyway, ah know all the family BS is going loom over every Edinburgh show I've booked to see this year. Ah know it will. So much so, that next year, I'm thinking just going to the comedienne that wasn't doing this year, if she's planning on doing a run of shows in Edinburgh next year.

Diane Spencer

Don't know if she'll still recognise me? :bigsmile: What with me being specky, tattooed, bald f*ckwit with a beard. Mibbe? :question:

Ah don't even feel like wearing any joke t-shirts, either. Just not in the mood for 'em now. Even though I'd originally plan to buy new ones. But... Nah!

 

[Graeme1988]

And there's wus me, last year, thinkin' that things were actually gonnae change for the better. :thinking: :idontknow: And my family were going to start treating me right. Ha! That's how f*ckin' naive I am, taking a bunch o' liars at their word. Like that wus ever gonnae happen. :no:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well that's me, by all accounts, on ma own again until Tuesday or Wednesday. My mother just got a last minute early afternoon ferry over to Ireland, after my older sister phoned up yesterday greeting :crying: cuz her and her soon-to-be ex-husband hud another massive argument. And they're coming over next week.

My oldest sister hus kindly offered me her spare bedroom if ah want to ger away from the arguing that could be likely. But, as I said to her yesterday, I'd rather f*ck off n' live somewhere else. But I digress...

My mother got searched after she went through the mrntal detector before boarding - which is the first time that happened. As she told me, as she phoned while my sister wus out getting me a takeaway. Anyway, she phones back a few hours later to tell my oldest sister that our mother wus so worried about what's gonnae greet her when she visit my older sister that she hadn't ate anything since lunchtime today and she f*ckin' fainted. mg: Stupid wummin!

Then my older sister calls saying she's just had row over the joint bank account, saying she has take her name off it, or else the petty bellend she's in the process of lezving won't let her take their car to pickup our mum when she gets off the ferry. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Bet yer startin' tae see why ah prefer the f*ckin' quiet, single life, huh? And long for a place of my own. :sad: Or convert Buddhism? Purely fur the lifestyle if nowt else. I'm too dumb tae comprehend the philosophical aspect. I mean, the other day, my mother asked me how long 10 seconds wus if ye weren't wearing a watch. :thinking: :idontknow:

F*ck the philosophy! Just gie me peace, calmness n' waking up everyday happy n' grateful that I'm stil aive.

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda feeling that if ah could just be free masel' o' this endless stress as of late, ah could uncluttered ma mind. Clearly my physical health is feeling the affects of it.

Though rid myself of this stress would require a mental breakdown and me telling my immediate family tae f*ck n' leave me alone. And mibbe then I'd get this journal back tae being about the funnier things that huv happened to me or summit I observed when out n' about. Might even be happier generally, who knows? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Overheard yet another family argument yesterday. Over the phone, as they usually are. :sad: Heard my oldest sister swearing at our mother. Ah thought:

Firstly: Why is when I get pissed and go off on her like that, she thinking about hitting me or she pulls a knife on me? And secondly why am I being forced to tolerate this shite?​

All this talk of "Dinnae dae owt drastic" if I do move out next year n' start living on my own. But then ah think, why no? Ah mean, I've hud tae put up with this drama fae a young age. Why else would an argument between my oldest sisters be my only memory of a family holiday? :idontknow: Wouldnae be the case if we weren't dysfunctional.

But I've just been becoming more cold, distant n' withdrawn as I've gotten older. Detached ye could say? Hey! I am just like my mother in that sense.

Cannae exactly blame me, can ye? Ah mean, the people who actually older than me and should've set good examples for me are still acting like spoiled, bratty, teenaged girls. Probably why I frequently ask my mother how it is that I'm the mature one. And no longer sugar coat the truth that she failed as a parent if she and her 2 daughters are incapable of settling an argument without yelling, slamming or breaking shit. And immediately going into denial when it comes to them being wrong.

Whereas I'd calmly sit, make eye contact, say: Here's what wrong, what can we do to fix it? Though, maybe I should just take que from my mother. Grab a wee knife from the kitchen, slap it doon on the living table, calmly sitdoon next tae her on the couch n' go:

"Oh just stab me with that if ah spoke oot 'ae turn here"​

Ah know, that'd be mental! But she's actually pulled a knife on me afore for criticising her need to always be in control all the time. So, you'd be surprised the amount o' murderous man-hating rage that dwells within a short Scottish white feminist wummin after 3 failed marriages. Whoa! She one miserable, angry wummin when ye look beyond the stupidity and eccentricity.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, for the sake of f*ck... They're going to be staying. My older sister and nieces are actually staying, not visiting! Never bin mair glad tae be staying somewhere else for a couple days. Edin's burgh... Sorry, I'm just amusin' masel' with the wordplay noo. Otherwise this post would just be more depressing than... Ah cannae think of a funny enough simile, there. F*ck! h:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, just found a bit of news that naebuddy in family telt me. Mibbe they forgot... AGAIN! :thumbdown: Anyway, my older sister's husband told her that he wanted a divorce, 2 days after she gave birth to their 2nd daughter. The reason... Oh, this is a right belter:

He's not happy with family life :kickingmyself:​

Which makes me wonder why tha f**k any couple would huv 2 kids in the first place, if that's the case?
Ah mean, huv ye heard owt so stoopid?! h: Did they no talk aboot it afore going ahead, like? Since it's a decision ya take lightly huv a child, startin' a family. :idontknow: I'm so f*ckin' glad I'm still single. And by choice, anaw.

 

[Graeme1988]

Though, that's just yin thing that slightly pissed me off today. The podiatrist appointment ah hud this afternoon really pissed me right off. :veryangry: But ah cannae be arsed ranting more about that the now, like. Mibbe later or the 'morrow.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well.. the family hus arrived. Older sister and nieces. Hope thing get sorted soon. Since my mother and I are probably going to huv the usual, shouty, sweary argument over the fact we've had to swoop bedrooms. Mine's being bigger, it's only room that accommodate the cot for the older of the 2 kids. So, she (my mother) is in there. Older sister's on the spare bed in the living room with her new born.

And I'm just keeping a low-profile, cuz the older sibling ain't the easiest to live with. So glad I decided to move 2 of my guitars into the oher room. Since I can just connect 'em to my laptop via my USB interface, plug in some headphones, load up my amplifier and effects modelling simulator software and start riffing. Drown out the other noise.

Plus, I'm f*ckin' off tae a travel lodge not far the hospital that I frequently attended as a child in Edinburgh for the weekend.
And making commutes back n' forth, the rest o' the month. I only live a couple hours away, anyway.

F*ck gittin' stressed oot o'er family problems. Sorry if seems cruel to say. But it's true. And ah planned this trip a year ago while in Edinborough. So, I'm gan! :brindis: An' hopefully I'll enjoy it. Need summit to take mind off things lately. And getting away for a couple days is probably for the best.

 

[Graeme1988]

Glad tae be hame! That's translates as "Glad to be home!" Just in case yer no aw that familiar wae the auld Scots language. Ah know, o'er daein it noo. Gie it brek, mun. mg:

Twa days... *cough* Sorry, two days in the posh as f*ck capital city o' Scotland. How did highly uncultured c*nt like me end up... Anyway, bloody knackered. Didnae git me wrong, hud a f*ckin' great time. It's just, well... Ye didnae really appreciate where ye live til ye gan somewhere. Ken whit ah mean? Aye, yer town might be utter shite. F*ck tae dae, except git drunk n' hours gittin' tattoos. No in that exact order, mind.

 

[Graeme1988]

Mair stories tae tell... h: Ah really tae stop leavin' tha hoose fur awhile. Then ah'd be bored enough to gie 'em telt? :question: Anyway, apparently, it's been "hectiv" at home while ah wus away, according to my mother. Whatever tha f*ck that mean? :idontknow: Well, ah know whit she meant. I'm just too feart to correct her any time she mispronounces a word. She tends to get a bit angry whenever ah do that.

 

[Graeme1988]

raying:​

Eh, Gawd, if yer up there, pal? Dae me a massive favour, would ye? Kill me in muh sleep, big man! Awrite?! Stroke. Brain tumour. Heart attack. Ah don't gie a f*ck it this point. Jist pick yin. Seriously! Cuz ah cannae f*ckin' cope anymore. Muh family are driving me buckin' mental!​

:kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Not feelin' too great at the moment. :crying: Not suicidal or anythin'. Just dreadin' ma birthday next year - another "milestone". But mainly just tryin' tae keep it together as best ah cun. Despite aw the shoutin', swearin' n' crying gan oan roon aboot me. :sad:

And realising just how shite ma life is. Weird how ah cun gan somewhere like Glasgow (Glesga) or Edinburgh, huv a few hours where ah forget ma problems. Then come hame n'... Aw, aye, that why ah f*cked for 6 hours yesterday evening. :kickingmyself:

But, at least my mother clarified a massive guilt-trip statement she made the other day, when she said:

"Don't know whit ah've done fur yous tae aw treat me like this. Yous hate me!"​

Hud tae just bit ma tongue and resist makin' the Shakespeare joke that ah thought aboot sayin' in that moment. Oh and nevermind if ma oldest sibling... again! Made it seems like we were collective treating oor mother badly. When ah've done everythin' tae keep that wummin happy. At the expense o' my own happiness and general well-being. But lets no acknowledge that depressing as f*ck fact, eh? Naw, feckin' pile oan the guilt!

And, apparently, I'm the one whom they aw come to fur advice noo. Which is f*ckin' news tae me! Y'know, being the young c*nt who knows f*ck all and constantly got contradicted everytime he opened his gob. Who knew... :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, and she (my mum) runnin' after my older sister and her 2 daughters since they arrive almost a week ago. Cooking, cleaning, the lot. The poor wummin's knackered, barely slept much. She'll still complains to me about it, and ask what she should dae. Despite me pointin' oot that she's getting older and cannae be expected to coming runnin' whenever we say. Even though ah point oot that when ah ask her to do summit, I actually say: "Please". Unlike my older sisters who rarely ask, nicely. But then they dinnae like being talk back to, so what d'ye expect.

Whereas if ah ever do it, my mother gan into a passive aggressive mood and threatens to hurt. Which, ah know, laughable, right? Considering I'm quite a stout, big-armed... Well, I'm a fat b@$%@rd! Lets no sugar coat it. Ah might be tempted tae eat that fact if ye did.
Ah, there's ma sense o' humour!

Sorry, ah digress. Anyway, as ah wus sayin'. My mother still doesnae comprehend why - beyond reduced stress, and being fed-up listening to her dour-faced complaint almost everyday - I'd want tae live on my own. h:

 

[Graeme1988]

This - naw, this isnae normal! :kickingmyself: Another f*ckin' day being woke-up by... Shh! Drumroll, please! Arguin', f*ckin' arguing!

Which begs tha f*ckin' question? How tha f*ck did the yin sibling she (my mother) effed-up most with her feminist fanny waffle aboot men being... Yada-yada! Sexist! Misogynistic. And basically not required. Mind you, lookin' back noo, I'm kinda glad ma mother telt me aw that. Aye, the shite aboot men might've made ma self-esteem n' confidence non-feckin'-existent but the relationship stuff... Thank f*ckin' Christ!

Ah mean, nae offence, I know not all wimmin are bat-shit mental cases. Just that if ma family're less o' an example n' mair o' a warnin'.
Ken whit ah mean? Ah sure as f*ck wouldnae want tae date some lassie n' bring her home tae mean the family. Mainly cuz ah cun just imagine my mother n' sisters gan completely mental at me, for saying: "They're no usually this nice. Only joking..."

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, my older sister just went mental at my mother for bring me a drink. Why? Because I was still in bed. Oh, tha f*ckin' patriarchy of it! Shock horror!

I mean, Godforbid right, a young, physically disabled, lad just wants yin day where he can get some rest. But, naw, cannae be huvin that. Got tae wake-up every morning to the middle-child throwing a fit because she realising that, much like her mother, she's can't cope being a single parent. But hey, me being wakened up in the morning by some nagging bitch is normal to me. :sad:

Didnae even enjoy my time in Edinburgh recently cuz o' this family drama BS. :kickingmyself: Got a couple amusing stories outta it, but nowt compared to last year.

My oldest sister joked the other day that ah deserve a medal for tha shite ah huv to endure from her, the middle child and our mother. Y'know tha fact I've stayed stoically quiet for the most part. Except the odd genuine remark about how I'm actually feeling, which my mum n' sisters construed as sarcasm. oh:

Naw, ah deserve to feckin' immigrate to another country. F*ck the medal! Ah just want to get tha f*ck away from them n' their shouty, aggressive, manipulative confrontational arguments. But apparently that wrong? :idontknow: