Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Ah wonder how different my life would've been now, if I'd cut all contact with my immediate family, as I was planning to back in early 2014? :question:

Probably lonely, but far happier without them around to pestering me all the time. Cuz that all they do, going as far to admit just that.

It's hard going... life. Well, at least, it is when ye huv'nae got the right support or guidance. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Guess I've only got myself and my lack of wit to blame for this...

"Och, give a rest wae the helicopter parenting, would ye?!", I snap.
And in unison my mum and oldest sibling both go: "Eh?! Whit did ye say, there?" So I repeat the phrase.
"Helicopter parenting"
"Whit d'ye mean?!", our mum says, still bewildered. My sister is laughing out loud, though.
"Helicopter parenting - that's a good 'un. Cuz mum's always..."
"Aye, hoovering aboot", I interrupted. Pointing my index finger down and gesturing to mimic a helicopter's rotor blades.
​

It would appear that "helicopter parenting" line has stuck, as my oldest sister repeated it yesterday when our mum was doing her usual repeative, overbearing parent routine. She's always like this with me. Asking me 3 questions at once before I even had a chance to respond. h:

Just hope my sister has learnt from the past, in that once a sarcastic remark becomes over-used it the humour becomes less and less and it stops being funny.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah really wish ma family would stop asking what I'm thinking about all the time. Nothing personal, but it kinda get irritating after awhile. Since most of the time I'm trying to keep myself from thinking, as it usually leads me to question why I turned out the way I have? :sad:

It's tough going when you got to take responsibility for yerself, and make up for yer lack of intelligence - as well as pickup the slack due to those around you being lazy. Ah just feel at this point, my life is constant compromise between what I want to do, but I'm too afraid and not confident enough; and what my family want of me. :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Urgh! Got f**kin' berated for answering "I don't know" to my mum's rapid-fire questions this morning, regarding my option for breakfast.
No even so much as a "Morning. Did ye sleep well?". Then I get guff from my eldest sibling for saying "See ya then!" when she stated she'd see me again tomorrow. Apparently that was rude of me. :idontknow:

I'm contemplating just becoming a mute, since I'm halfway there. Might as well, eh? :question:

F**k sake! I'm tired! I've got a shit load o' things to try and figure out n' do by myself. Still trying to get this home "recording studio" setup sussed. On top of that, I've now gotta plan for this August what with Edinburgh's month-long arts festival announcing shows for sale as early as February. Not to mention all the music concerts I've managed to get tickets for, which will take me into early April.

No even a month intae 2017, and I'm already overwhelmed. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Button Poetry

 

[Graeme1988]

That was weird... Just had a prolong muscle spasm in my right hamstring. That's never happened before. :idontknow:

Anyway, I've been feel very depressed and unmotivated these past few days. Despite having some much do, getting out a bit, everything just feel pointless. :alone:

Like I'm constantly battling and struggle to live up to the expectations of other on the one-hand, and on the other, trying to change the perception of me as grumpy, miserable, anti-social and intimidating. Which has proven difficult in many ways, not just because of my physical and learning disabilities.

But, well... How to put this? :thinking: When ya grow up around a parent who likes to always get their way, and who's always spouting negativity at you, you tend to want to spend as little time as possible around 'em. :sad:
I'm practically a recluse within the family home. Not that I hate it, it's just be nice to be completely on my own for awhile.

Oh, overheard my older sister talking to her mum about this other child she'll be having soon. Ma sister says she's hoping for another girl and doesnae want a boy. My mum told her she shouldnae think like that. Which is ironic, given how often I had to bite my tongue and endure our mum's rants about how men were useless and so on.

I mean, ah wus'nae exactly thrilled at the thought of being an uncle first time round. So that's unlikely to change. Ah know that might sound cold, but I don't see the point in being part of their lives. I don't know... I guess I'm just fed-up with having to constantly conform to and appease my immediate family all the time.

Sorry, these last few posts couldnae be more upbeat and cheery.

 

[theslowesthand]

Button Poetry

She seems a bit o'er the top to me, but everyone to their own (had to turn volume down as was too intense! hehe)

 

[Graeme1988]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31jenMJ0UOc

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah feel so uninspired, unmotivated and just low energy at the moment. :sad: Waking up every morning feeling this dread at the day ahead. Always trying desperately to hide my shortcomings and flaws. Feeling this constant pressure to be just like the rest of my family, which usually involves humouring them and telling them what they want to hear, agreeing with their views. My thinks for this comes as some sarcastic remark or compilment which I always question the sincerity of. Like the whole "We think highly of ye" b*llocks.

Since y'know being from a very strict, deeply religious, conservative, radical feminist household - aye, the contradictions were a plenty - ah learnt to keep ma gob shut for fear of a hostile reaction.

Weird how I've spent much of my life taking the advice of people who were immature, dumb and control freak. Yet, I'm accuse of acting the exact same way when I voice disapproval of something they've said or done. Normally to me, like. Being the youngest of the clan, it comes with the territory.

Though, a lotta probably explain why, still as an adult, I haven't found my voice? Being told to shut-up everytime I speak my mind. Being force to go along with how ma family want things as opposed to how I'd like things to be. Simply, because neither my mum or oldest sister can be bothered whenever I suggest a sensible way of doing something. Then, they'll either complain, or give me the back handed compliment that "I know more than them..."

Which if only that were true. It's hard going trying to figure stuff out on yer own. Beit: Life, or how something works, how to do something you've never done before. Probably why stress and fatigue tend to affected me alot.

Sorry, I'm just rambling. Ah should really huv summit mair interesting tae talk aboot on here.

 

[defiance]

I also feel uninspired and unmotivated. It sucks

 

[theslowesthand]

Sorry, I'm just rambling. Ah should really huv summit mair interesting tae talk aboot on here

If yer at a loose end, ye could always recount the happenings of last year's time in hospital with yer surgery 'n that :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

I also feel uninspired and unmotivated. It sucks

I know, it's no great feeling unmotivated all the time. Though, ah think with me, stress is also a problem. Since I've got that much to do, naebuddy willing to help me. Like my room needing a huge clear out, my mum's been setting aside time for the last year to help me get this done, but whenever I keep her to her word, she outta no where changes her mind. Oh, we'll dae it the 'morra. Oh, we'll get it tidy oot it the weekend"

On top o' that, there's stuff I want to do for myself, but I've always got to priorities the needs and concerns of those around me ahead of my own. So, I rarely have time for myself. :sad:

If yer at a loose end, ye could always recount the happenings of last year's time in hospital with yer surgery 'n that :question:

Oh aye! That wus a pretty mental experience. Though, 2016 wus a pretty surreal year experience for me all round, really.

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: How does it feel to be taken seriously, eh? Me? Ah couldnae tell ye, Bloody laugh a minute with me, so it. Sorry for this wee mini-rant, ah've just noticed when I'm outnumbered 2 - 1 by the opposite gender, they tend to try n' provoke me alot. Particularly ma mum n' older sister.

Anyway, ma oldest sister, whom ah trust enough to be ma personal podiatrist wus making sure my feet were okay, offer to look over ma feet, since she wus staying for her tea. So, I'm lying on ma bed, ma sisters at the foot of it scrapping away at the calus skin on ma feet, when our mum comes upstairs to tell my sister something.

Then she start her usual eccentric, daft as f**k routine. Basically the yin thing she never does out in public. So, she's gan on this surreal tangent. Ma sisters laughing, certainly, I'm lying there, hands over face, just wish it would end. mg: Laughing more ironically than genuinely. In that "Urgh! Why tha f**k do I endure this?!" way, than finding the humour in the situation.

When suddenly, she starts on me, right? This wus provoked by ma sister telling my mum to leave us be and get ma feet done in peace. But no, she's huv'nae nae o' it, like?

"Ooh! D'ye want me tae leave? Tell me tae f**k off, then? Graeme, c'mon tell me tae eff off.", smirk on her face because she knows I tend to mean it when I say those words. Though, ah really should've went:

"Off?! Off is the direction ah kindly want you tae f**k", but not wanting to be rude and paraphrase a classic Billy Connolly joke. Nor wanting another belter of a line repeated by my oldest sibling. I decided to keep schtum.

Ah just respond in kind with: "Ah would, but you tend to storm off in the huff when ah dae!",

This response prompted what I can only assume was a genuine single "Ha!" laugh from my oldest sister, still working away at my feet. Our mum instictively goes into denial, which is common when I've state something that is factually true about her.

"Aye, yeh dae...", I stop myself before I drag up a heated argument from my late teens, where in I had argument with her and angrily stormed off in tears.

My sister interjects with: "Well yous hud plenty an argument when you", nodding at me, "...hud tae sleep doonstair at the start of last year"
​

 

[Graeme1988]

Not to sound like I'm having a go or anything, but I do appreciate ma mum's Robin Williams-esque ability to just come up with daft, surreal humour on the spot, with little to no thought. Beit something like: repeating what I just said in an different tone of voice, or accent. Singing a broadway musical style song from words she's just making up.

But, tae be honest with yous, it does get irrating when she breaks out intae that rountine after being asked a genuine question or kindly asked to do something. Y'know, there's times when that kinda behaviour isn't appropriate.

Now ye cun kinda see how ah dinnae feel "normal"... :bigsmile:

 

[theslowesthand]

:kickingmyself: How does it feel to be taken seriously, eh? Me? Ah couldnae tell ye, Bloody laugh a minute with me, so it

In my youth, i seldom got taken seriously, either by my parents or brother, or ma peers. I think it was partly due to me always been so serious, 'n takin meself so serious 'n all .. and also cause i seldom kept up with the convo (ie i blurted out "funny" questions, therby got known to be a "clown" of sorts, for others' amusement). Nowadays i'm a more laid-back kind of serious, not so intense .. so i dont get as much "stick" from people..

 

[theslowesthand]

Not to sound like I'm having a go or anything, but I do appreciate ma mum's Robin Williams-esque ability to just come up with daft, surreal humour on the spot, with little to no thought. Beit something like: repeating what I just said in an different tone of voice, or accent. Singing a broadway musical style song from words she's just making up

You mean ta say that yu think she's sortta like a comedic genius like Robin Williams??? That wuld explain a lotta her behavours. But doesnt genius also come with high intelligence .. or is she putting on ya show of lowly intelligence, for the comdey of it??? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

In my youth, i seldom got taken seriously, either by my parents or brother, or ma peers. I think it was partly due to me always been so serious, 'n takin meself so serious 'n all .. and also cause i seldom kept up with the convo (ie i blurted out "funny" questions, therby got known to be a "clown" of sorts, for others' amusement). Nowadays i'm a more laid-back kind of serious, not so intense .. so i dont get as much "stick" from people..

Guess I can kinda relate, there. Though, the whole not being able to keep up convo comes more from me not being as clued up as the person who's speaking with me. I think I've always had a that serious demeanour, which I suppose comes from being bullied too much in my school days? :idonknow:

But I just feel like I've got to constantly make my family laugh aw the time. Almost like I'm obligated to do so.

You mean ta say that yu think she's sortta like a comedic genius like Robin Williams??? That wuld explain a lotta her behavours.

Maybe not on that level. But my mum's tendency to come up with these offbeat, surreal one-liners out of nowhere, reminds me very much of Williams. So she not as self-conscious about making folk laugh, compared to me.

Though, my mum also has that Scottish thing, that Scots with the gift of the gab or most gossipy wimmin in Scotland do. Where they'll start telling you summit, and while telling you this particular story, she's tell you something you didn't really need to know. But she tells ye anyway. Which is very reminscent of Billy Connolly's style of comedy-storytelling.

But doesnt genius also come with high intelligence .. or is she putting on ya show of lowly intelligence, for the comdey of it??? :question:

Oh, I definitely feel she's feigning lower intelligence at times. Y'know, the whole "dumb blonde" stereotype? But, aye, she knows more than she lets on, I believe. But, much like me, her low self-esteem, means she doubts how smart she actually is. Or it could be something she heard quite a bit in her past abusive relationships? :thinking:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, while out for a wee car ride about town, my sister and I had a lengthy, contradictory chat about me getting those tattoos I've been talking about done. Contradictions from her, not me, I might add.

On the one hand, she's say:

"Oh aye, you'll cun handle the pain, I'm sure. Nae problem, like"​

On the other, she banging on about:

"Remember it's for life. Oh! Whit'll mum think? She wus bad enough you getting yer eyebrow pierced it 14 year auld. Christ, she faint when
ye were gan fur the surgery last year"​

And I'm just left feeling more conflict about the whole situation. Since I had my mind set on it, post-surgery. The designs, placements, all that. Now... :idontknow: Every decision I make always seems to be scrutinised and discourage. :kickingmyself: Kinda feel put-off getting those tats done now. :sad:

Though, me constantly being discourage from doing what I'd like or want to do has been a heavily recurring theme in ma life.
Is "theme" the right word I'm lookin' for here? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, and that wus another thing that she mentioned on the wee car-ride, right? Continuing on from my last post.

As we made our way home, ma oldest sister starts, almost lecturing me, about how she doesnae care whit folk think and how she prefers to be different from other folk. Must say, ah wus desperately holding back a laugh at this yin, like. :bigsmile: Purely because it's utter b*llocks.

Ah mean, the f**kin' hypocritical irony of it, man. This is the same oldest sibling who feels the need to constantly suggesting things to me. Begin with the phrase:

"Now, am no' sayin' ye should, but..."This line is usually followed by some ill-thought-out idea or suggestion.​

Which I've had plenty of it, in wake of buying that music recording gear. Song title suggestions, musical ideas, f**kin' music video pitches. mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Contradicted by my mum yet again! And it wus'nae even me who suggested moving my Marshall guitar amplifer intae storage. Ha! :kickingmyself:
Why am I in the wrong here? F**k knows, my mum and sisters are always right because reasons; feminism - whatever the f**k!

Ah don't know, anymore, I just want ma life to end. Seriously, ah huv'nae been happy in over 10 years. :alone:

I've just been livin' ma life according to the opinions of those around me. Nevermind if most o' them act like dumb, glakit c*nts aroon me. Oh, yer so smart. F**k off! If ah wus how come ah cannae even make yin decision in ma life withoot somebuddy f**kin' mouthing off an opinion ah didnae even ask for? :veryangry:

Och well, mibbe it's for the best? As long as everyone else is happy, that's aw that matters, eh? :sad: