Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

 

[theslowesthand]

sherv.net's down for me, so here's the text for the emoticons..
(happy-new-year-glitter-smiley-emoticon)
(drunk)
:thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Got told I was "unapproachable" today by my mum. Which, not going to lie, really hurt. :sad:


I wish ah didnae dwell so much upon negative remarks made about me. Though, it difficult not to take 'em to heart, especially when said by yer ain family. :sad: It's all I seem to hear from them. And any praise seem kinda insincere. Like they're just saying what they think I want to hear.

It also hard to be yersel' when you're constantly having to live up other family members expectations of you. Being just like them, in other words. :kickingmyself:

Hate that I'm such a sensitive person. :: Despite the size of me, I'm not really the uncaring, cold, tough guy that most people assume me to be. Could be because I'm quiet and introverted? Truthfully, I'm just really guarded, because of how people treated me in the past. Don't want to risk being hurt or humilated again.

 

[Graeme1988]

Hard to believe it's been a whole 5 months since ah actually had a drop of booze. Not that I'm celebrating that fact, cuz ah hate it! :kickingmyself:

Hate living with this way, like there's this constant weight upon ma shoulders. Like I'm never allow to relax. In fact, ah don't think I'm allowed to do much, without having to either ask permission or have to hear my mum discourage me from, saying buying booze with my own money.

Aye, me - a man almost in his 30s - is still being treated like a child. h:

 

[Graeme1988]

Not really sure how to feel, lately. It's like my brain is slowly giving up on me because I'm constantly forced to remember so much. Be it, making sure I'm trying to get my foot flat on my right-hand side when walking; keeping my posture while doing so. Or remembering what someone has just said to me, when most of the time I've zoned out.

But then, cerebral palsy did impact my brain function. So, y'know... There's that.

Though, the worst is being expecting to know what someone in my family is talking about when they use a vague word in place of the actual word that cannae recall. h: Since they do this all the time, it just frustrates me. Because once again, it's all on me. As I'm just suppose to know everything, inherently. Having never been taught or told, ye just know... Apparently!

And I just feel so weigh down by this and pressure to "fit in" when I so clearly don't and never have.
Like the weight of the world is upon my shoulders.

While my continuing struggle with anxiety and depression slowly takes away everything else, making me a shell of the person I once was. No-one to turn to for help, support or understanding. No friends. Nothing! :sad: :crying:

Sorry this couldnae be a mair, eh, positive entry. Just something I've been dwelling upon for the last few days.

 

[theslowesthand]

No-one to turn to for help, support or understanding. No friends. Nothing!

Not sayin that outside "support" is useless, but by me own experiences they are almost as good as useless, as per sorting things out, fixing problems, or improving things. I throw everything in that category - family, friends, therapist, social worker, depression/etc hotlines, ..
Notherwords, the only person who can help ye, is yerself .. is what i say.

 

[Graeme1988]

Not sayin that outside "support" is useless, but by me own experiences they are almost as good as useless, as per sorting things out, fixing problems, or improving things. I throw everything in that category - family, friends, therapist, social worker, depression/etc hotlines, ..
Notherwords, the only person who can help ye, is yerself .. is what i say.

That's true. It's just difficult to do when yer in situation as far as being disabled goes. Since yer kinda forced to reply upon family aw the time. :sad: Y'know, despite being constantly treated like ye don't belong, lied to, etc.

Just a wee additional thought to this: How d'ye help yerself when, if yer anything like me, ye were never really taught how tae do that? As ma family had a habit of doing things for me, like. And still take umbrage with me doing things for myself. Thus, me huvin pretty bad confidence issues.

 

[Graeme1988]

Was hoping to talk about ma orthopaedic surgery here, but I need try and recover some photos which I have on a hard drive that I can't access. :kickingmyself: Ah mean, there no essential but they give ye an idea of what I had done.

Hopefully I'll get 'em back, though. raying:

Also, I'm having a hard time keeping masel' motivated. Like I've been this way since before Christmas. Haven't really done anything creative since messing about on some music drum software a few months ago. Just making beats, which I don't if they could be songs? :question:

Ma mind seems to be drawing a blank whenever I attempt to come up with an idea.

Don't know if the lack of motivation are due, in part, to my family being quite lazy, y'know? Saying they'll do summit, then not bothering. :idontknow: Since that can rub-off on you, especially if it's happens a lot. Just a thought, or I could be reading too much into how my mum and oldest sibling tend to be lazy like that.

 

[theslowesthand]

I've recently begun writing a new software, which i havent done for a good wee time (start a new one, that is). I stumbled onto a website with old photos of actresses (& actors) of the golden age of film, mainly 40s/50s, but also some 30s & 60s. So i have found it fulfilling & stimulating to try to get to know all the actresses by name. And i'm entering data about any "good" photos (legs, sexy, ***, tits, blonde/brunette, classic beauty, ..). So once i write the code, i'll be able to click a button, and a random photo will show, & i'll have to try to put a name to the face/body. Also i will be able to select which photos to show (eg only sexy blondes). Spending hours per day doing all this data entry stuff, which is filling in the time very nicely! (nice for a change to not be bored!)

 

[Graeme1988]

I've recently begun writing a new software, which i havent done for a good wee time (start a new one, that is). I stumbled onto a website with old photos of actresses (& actors) of the golden age of film, mainly 40s/50s, but also some 30s & 60s. So i have found it fulfilling & stimulating to try to get to know all the actresses by name. And i'm entering data about any "good" photos (legs, sexy, ***, tits, blonde/brunette, classic beauty, ..). So once i write the code, i'll be able to click a button, and a random photo will show, & i'll have to try to put a name to the face/body. Also i will be able to select which photos to show (eg only sexy blondes). Spending hours per day doing all this data entry stuff, which is filling in the time very nicely! (nice for a change to not be bored!)

So, ye think getting back into a neglected hobby, like playing music, would prove beneficial? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Huv'nae really been feelin' great, lately. Been thinkin' a lot aboot death n' that. Not in a morbid or suicidal sense, just generally. Not sure if that's more related to the fact I'm approaching 30 and feel like ah've done sweet eff all with ma life up to this point? Well, nowt except waste and f**k-up at every possible sign of change or opportunity.

Don't know, man... It's been difficult for me. No just living with the disabled, but just growing up aroon some very dysfunctional people. I mean, not that I'm any better - far from it. It's just looking back, ah see many of the contradictions and lies that were told to me as genuine truth, growing up. Ah still don't know how ma mum expected me to turn out when she wus forcing me to adopt her views and beliefs without question - despite the glaring contradictions and mixed messages. :idontknow:

Most of which come from the strict, feminist and religious upbringing I had to endure. It's not easy growing up without yer dad and being expected to be "The Man" of family, having never been taught how to fulfill that role. Though, in many ways I did, given the amount of times I'd put aside my own needs and neglect myself to make those around me happy.

Not that I hate them in any way. I just hate how I wus treated, and still am to a degree. Like being told I'm "unapproachable". Which does nothing expect making feel even more self-conscious, given how often my family make mention of my size.

Sorry, don't mean to ramble on about this again. It's just, some remarks made to me yesterday by my oldest sister - while not negative - kinda brought up a conflicting feelings.

 

[theslowesthand]

Huv'nae really been feelin' great, lately. Been thinkin' a lot aboot death n' that. Not in a morbid or suicidal sense, just generally. Not sure if that's more related to the fact I'm approaching 30 and feel like ah've done sweet eff all with ma life up to this point? Well, nowt except waste and f**k-up at every possible sign of change or opportunity.

Don't know, man... It's been difficult for me. No just living with the disabled, but just growing up aroon some very dysfunctional people. I mean, not that I'm any better - far from it. It's just looking back, ah see many of the contradictions and lies that were told to me as genuine truth, growing up. Ah still don't know how ma mum expected me to turn out when she wus forcing me to adopt her views and beliefs without question - despite the glaring contradictions and mixed messages. :idontknow:

Most of which come from the strict, feminist and religious upbringing I had to endure. It's not easy growing up without yer dad and being expected to be "The Man" of family, having never been taught how to fulfill that role. Though, in many ways I did, given the amount of times I'd put aside my own needs and neglect myself to make those around me happy.

Not that I hate them in any way. I just hate how I wus treated, and still am to a degree. Like being told I'm "unapproachable". Which does nothing expect making feel even more self-conscious, given how often my family make mention of my size.

Sorry, don't mean to ramble on about this again. It's just, some remarks made to me yesterday by my oldest sister - while not negative - kinda brought up a conflicting feelings

Like me, you've been given a MULTI-dose of trouble in life, which makes life nigh upon impossible to manage! :kickingmyself:
For you:
- disability
- no father
- dysfunctional family
- mixed race
- (& perhaps one or two other things?)
For me:
(well, i cannae really be bothered listing all the troubles i have, theres be just many of em!)

 

[theslowesthand]

So, ye think getting back into a neglected hobby, like playing music, would prove beneficial? :question:

Well, i guess that's what i'm sayin, in not so many words. But don't go overboard about it neither, as then that can become boring. For me, my latest "hobby" combines a few things that i like ("drivers" or "motivators", like): programming, creating lists, & looking a pictures of hot women. All combined, they make for me a "hobby". So with music, you will have to find a way of doing that hobby, that involves the aforementioned "drivers" (triggers them each time you do it). Perhaps you like creating, well then you could try to create your own music (incl writing lyrics); or you might like the process of learning & perfecting the playing of others songs.

 

[Graeme1988]

Like me, you've been given a MULTI-dose of trouble in life, which makes life nigh upon impossible to manage! :kickingmyself:
For you:
- disability
- no father
- dysfunctional family
- mixed race
- (& perhaps one or two other things?)

Anxiety, depression, a learning disability. Just completing that list ye made as it relates to me.

For me:
(well, i cannae really be bothered listing all the troubles i have, theres be just many of em!)

Naw, no need to share that info, mate. So dinnae feel obligated to.
Just knowing you cun empathise with ma situation in some way is enough.

Aye. It's just... yin continuious struggle for me, so it is. :kickingmyself: :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, i guess that's what i'm sayin, in not so many words. But don't go overboard about it neither, as then that can become boring. For me, my latest "hobby" combines a few things that i like ("drivers" or "motivators", like): programming, creating lists, & looking a pictures of hot women. All combined, they make for me a "hobby".

That's not a bad hobby ya got there. :bigsmile:

But, I get what ye mean with going overboard with a hobby. Though, with me I used to play my guitar a couple hours per day or more back when I was really intae playing it. Now, ah kinda huv tae huv a set idea or intention behind picking up ma guitar. Be it writing or learning a song...

So with music, you will have to find a way of doing that hobby, that involves the aforementioned "drivers" (triggers them each time you do it). Perhaps you like creating, well then you could try to create your own music (incl writing lyrics); or you might like the process of learning & perfecting the playing of others songs.

As I've said before, as far as creating my own music, I'm probably going to go the instrumental route. Since lyrics, while easy to write, you have to figure out how they'll fit within the song itself. And ah cannae sing, even though ah did consider taking lessons. But ah think I'll just stick with music side of things.

Got a few ideas, but not sure how to expand upon them or find another idea which would compliment, say a melody to go with a chord progression. Since I'm basically doing this from a persepective of knowing how to play, just not really knowing how to compose.

Though, ma other obsticle is the fact ah don't really trust ma judgement. As far as knowing if summit sounds good or bad, musically. Which leds back to my self-doubt and confidence issues.

 

[Graeme1988]

I guess normalcy and stability are just asking a bit too much, eh? :sad:

My mum throw a tantrum and yelled at me today, just because I was trying to be helpful. Control freak, much? :kickingmyself: She just f**kin' throw a wobbly and started acting like child who just got telt they couldnae have what they wanted. For no reason... :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

All I did wus offer to help, and ma mum goes intae a f**kin' rage! Oot o' naewhere, starts spouting some ol' shite. Ah don't remember whit it wus, ah just remember tell her to show a bit o' maturity n' how there wus nae need for the reaction.

Ah do regret calling her a c*nt, but only cuz she's ma mum. Given the reaction on her part, me calling her that wus justified. As unpleasant and harsh as word as it is.

Ah mean, really. Ye don't respond with such hostility to someone politely offering to help you. That's... not normal. If I'd done in a more brash manner, then aye, her response would be entirely right. Like she used to do with me, when physically grab ma socks outta my hand and put them on for me.

Oh, and coincidentally, right? She's only like this with me and my oldest sibling. But more so me, as far the verbal berating goes. Cuz well, ah like ma dad, might as well getting f**kin' treated like 'em. :kickingmyself:

Ah don't know... :idontknow: It hurts to have to endure being treated like that, especially when ye did nothing - as far you're aware - to deserve it. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

My mum throw a tantrum and yelled at me today, just because I was trying to be helpful. Control freak, much? :kickingmyself: She just f**kin' throw a wobbly and started acting like child who just got telt they couldnae have what they wanted. For no reason... :idontknow:

Your mum does sound like the type of person who really never grew up, but is still a teenager with attitude, or younger (ie like a child who has a temper tantrum). Many people never grow up, but are kids in adult bodies, with adult clothes, & adult possessions.

 

[Graeme1988]

Your mum does sound like the type of person who really never grew up, but is still a teenager with attitude, or younger (ie like a child who has a temper tantrum). Many people never grow up, but are kids in adult bodies, with adult clothes, & adult possessions.

Given the level of immaturity she displays at times, I'd say yer right. And the fact she's incapable of taking anything seriously. Always giving me a smart answer when the situation doesnae call for it. Though, ma older sisters can be like this as well, sometimes. :idontknow: And in many ways, were up til my mid-20s. But that, again, ties in with the double standards I had to put up with.

Though, ah don't know if that same description of kid in an adult body applies to me, given how sheltered and restrictive ma childhood and adolescents were? Not really being taught anything, just expect to know it, instictively. :question: Having to teach myself about life, learn what not to do based on those around me. Since neither my mum or dad could really be arsed.

 

[Graeme1988]

My memory is going. I can't seem to remember stuff as easily anymore. :sad: :kickingmyself: