Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: :thumbdown: :veryangry:

 

[Graeme1988]

Why does everything always go wrong fur me. It'd be great if summit actually worked out fur me, just once. :sad:

Bought a refurbished Apple MacBook, assuming it hud a 64-bit operating system, but it only hus a 32-bt operating system, but a 64-bit processor. mg: Nuthin' is ever simple...

Feelin' quite nervous about going the Edinburgh Fringe on Friday. Mainly because ah know Hardeep Singh Koli will recognise me, since ah met him after his stand-up show last year. Didnae really talk much, being quite anxious and
not huvin much to say. But that's what ah get for huvin SA.

Though, ah did thank him for complimenting ma t-shirt.

Also, it's getting close to the year anniversary of me fast-tracking the process to get ma orthopedic surgery done. So now, would be probably better time than any to tell the story o' it and reflect on how it's gone. Since ah'll probably asked about it at ma next hospital appointment.

 

[Graeme1988]

Should ah feel guilty about avoidng ma family as much as I do. :idontknow:

 

[Jungle]

Should ah feel guilty about avoidng ma family as much as I do. :idontknow:

Nope, sometimes it is better to have a bit of peace.

 

[Graeme1988]

Nope, sometimes it is better to have a bit of peace.

Ah guess with my family that's very true. :bigsmile:

But I avoid them all the time, is that bad? That I'd much rather spend most o' ma time alone, either reading, surfing the internet, watching TV or movies, or learning how to play a song than spend time with ma family?

 

[Graeme1988]

At times ah wish ah wus'nae as boring as I actually am. Or at the least, mair confident, y'know? Cause, in aw honesty, ah dinnae think much o' masel', really. Aye, fur a disabled lad ah sure a f**k get outta to see a lotta things, but I'm no aw that interestin' as a person.

I'm kinda a contradiction, in that ah dinnae like being the centre o' attention, yet ah like gettin' a reaction outta folk by wearing humous or ironic t-shirts.

Weird how the rest o' ma family are aw loud, confident, obnoxious n' sure o' themselves. And there's me, who's aw quiet and insecure. No sure o' his place, still feels as though he doesnae quite belong anyway. Though, ah guess that could be doon tae being raised in a culture that always made ya feel like an outsider. At least, that's my experience o' being mixed race.

Sorry, just rambling on here... :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Off to Edinburgh the morra... fur the weekend. First day of the Fringe Festival.
Don't if ah should dress accordingly, or wear yin o' ma funny t-shirts. Or would just make standout more than usual... :question:

Plus, there's a good chance o' me being recognised by the comedians I'm going to see... Huvin seen all them last year. mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda nervous... don't know why, like. Ah wus'nae feelin' like this last year when ah went to Edinburgh. Probably just the thought o' sittin' in the front row at these Edinburgh Fringe shows.

And the fact I'm seeing these 3 comedians within the space of 5 hours tomorrow...​

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUQria-oxjY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Chui_FjJ8E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_0mqvVnjqM

Plus, wearing this t-shirt would draw more attention to me than I'd like.

 

[Graeme1988]

Huv'nae really been up to much in the last week. My sister, brother-in-law and niece huv been over fae Ireland visiting. Meaning oor mum's no as responsive or acknowledging us, but I'm mair used to it... Being the neglected child n' aw that.

But mum's still moanin' tae me aboot no gittin' anythin' done. h: To which ah say, get off yer lazy arse n' do it! Stop makin' excuses aw the time. Ah do more, and I'm f**kin' disabled. Funny how it always me who gets accused o' being lazy in ma family, yet I'm the least lazy c*nt in ma family when ah put ma mind to doing something.

Anyway, ah've just been keepin' tae masel', headphones clamped tae the auld napper, music blaring. Ah get shite for being unsociable, but ah dinnae really care. Ah don't like being around ma older sister anywway, she tends to overract if ye don't agree with her or talk back to her... Ma family are weird that way.

 

[Graeme1988]

Another day n' ma sister, brother-in-law n' niece go back tae Ireland. They'll bemoan the fact they didnae see me enough, but I'm no aw that bothered. So what? It's no like I'm great to be around...

Ah mean, ye might think that, to look at ma photos. Always smiling n' that, but ah rare f**kin' smile or laugh genuinely nowadays. Unless I'm actually happy or I find summit really funny.

Gan aboot frowning with a face like mine, it's nae wonder folk don't approach me often to talk to me.

 

[zharl]

I think you're too hard on yourself, but so am I, so I can't really point fingers. XD

 

[Graeme1988]

I think you're too hard on yourself, but so am I, so I can't really point fingers. XD

Ah know I am... :sad: But it's kinda difficult not to be, when ma family constantly expect you to be just like 'em. And yer not, which is wrong, according to them. For some weird reason... :idontknow:

Or they take umbrage at me not going along with something they suggested, like doing volunteer work. Now, ah huv nuthin' against it, it's just hard to social and talk to folk ya barely know, when being social doesnae come natural to ya, and yer more of an introvert and loner.

And being disabled ah've always felt puts a barrier between me n' able-bodied people. F**k, ah even feel just as awkward around people with disabilities, ironically enough. ::

 

[zharl]

Ah know I am... :sad: But it's kinda difficult not to be, when ma family constantly expect you to be just like 'em. And yer not, which is wrong, according to them. For some weird reason... :idontknow:

Or they take umbrage at me not going along with something they suggested, like doing volunteer work. Now, ah huv nuthin' against it, it's just hard to social and talk to folk ya barely know, when being social doesnae come natural to ya, and yer more of an introvert and loner.

And being disabled ah've always felt puts a barrier between me n' able-bodied people. F**k, ah even feel just as awkward around people with disabilities, ironically enough. ::

You're "disabled?!" *ACTIVATING APREHENSION FILTERS*

Seriously though, I always found the whole categorical description of people to be kind of weird. I guess it's an innate impulse, since our brains are designed to think categorically; nevertheless, it never ceases to surprise me that instinctual need to create categories is so strong. That being said, I have to acknowledge that when these categories are linked to personal identity, they become very strong and very real.

Erm...sorry, that was a bit of a tangent...my old anthropology minor was rearing it's obnoxious head.

Hey, I've got an idea: maybe next time, offer to support the volunteer work in another way. Post details about the event to any social media sites or something. I know it's not the same thing as actively volunteering, but at least you can say that you did something when your family give's you a hard time.

 

[zharl]

I just realized, I misread what you said. For some reason I was under the impression that your family was going to some sort of volunteer event or something. On reading what you said a second time, it sounds more like an example of how they react to you not going along with life suggestions or something of that nature.

That kind of makes the idea less applicable. Sorry about that. I'll read more carefully next time. XD

 

[Graeme1988]

You're "disabled?!" *ACTIVATING APREHENSION FILTERS*

Seriously though, I always found the whole categorical description of people to be kind of weird. I guess it's an innate impulse, since our brains are designed to think categorically; nevertheless, it never ceases to surprise me that instinctual need to create categories is so strong. That being said, I have to acknowledge that when these categories are linked to personal identity, they become very strong and very real.

Erm...sorry, that was a bit of a tangent...my old anthropology minor was rearing it's obnoxious head.

Naw, nae need to apologise. Ah get what ya meant.

Hey, I've got an idea: maybe next time, offer to support the volunteer work in another way. Post details about the event to any social media sites or something. I know it's not the same thing as actively volunteering, but at least you can say that you did something when your family give's you a hard time.

Actually, my sister is thinking more a long the lines of help other disabled people with their computer skills. Because, she - like the rest o' ma family - seems to be under the impression that, since I have my laptop on as soon as I'm dreesed in the morning, that ah spend all day on it. Therefore, I know everything there is to know about every program and bit o' software, when ah honestly don't...

And I'd huv good rapport with folk with learning disabilities, huvin a slight learning disability masel' due to my cerebral palsy, as well as being physically disabled. Though, ah've always felt the need to hide ma learning disability as I've gotten older. Because it's the hardest aspect of my cerebral palsy to cope with... y'know not being all that smart.

 

[Graeme1988]

I just realized, I misread what you said. For some reason I was under the impression that your family was going to some sort of volunteer event or something. On reading what you said a second time, it sounds more like an example of how they react to you not going along with life suggestions or something of that nature.

That kind of makes the idea less applicable. Sorry about that. I'll read more carefully next time. XD

Nae bother... :thumbup:

 

[zharl]

Naw, nae need to apologise. Ah get what ya meant.



Actually, my sister is thinking more a long the lines of help other disabled people with their computer skills. Because, she - like the rest o' ma family - seems to be under the impression that, since I have my laptop on as soon as I'm dreesed in the morning, that ah spend all day on it. Therefore, I know everything there is to know about every program and bit o' software, when ah honestly don't...

And I'd huv good rapport with folk with learning disabilities, huvin a slight learning disability masel' due to my cerebral palsy, as well as being physically disabled. Though, ah've always felt the need to hide ma learning disability as I've gotten older. Because it's the hardest aspect of my cerebral palsy to cope with... y'know not being all that smart.

I've known some smart people with CP, so I'm not sure I understand...but alright. Is that a stereotype you've experienced or something?

Sorry you feel like you need to hide stuff. I know that feeling. I tend to leave out mental heath stuff, except for MAYBE the ADHD, because it seems to have a little less of a stigma or something.

Well that's not entirely true, there are the people who seem to be militant in their insistence that ADHD isn't actually a thing...but I digress. I empathize. It sucks to have to hide something about yourself (that you have no control over) out of fear for potential repercussions.

 

[zharl]

And being disabled ah've always felt puts a barrier between me n' able-bodied people.

Also, it's too bad we're in different countries. Barrier, shmarrier.

I'd TOTALLY use you to get the front of amusement park rides.

That's what friends are right? Things you use for convenience? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Can't get to sleep... Nervous and excited about going to Edinburgh again this year.
Just being there again, taking in the atmosphere, huvin a drinks. Hearing the bagpipes...

Got 12 shows to see in total - 10 ticketed, 2 are free entry, just gan along to the venue. Which is the most shows I've ever booked or planned to see during the Fringe festival. Just hope ah've got it all worked time-wise to get from one venue to the next.

Plus, ah hope ma stamina is decent, as there's a few venues withoot wheelchair access, so ah'll need to take ma crutches as well. And this wee weekend excursion to Edinburgh will be the longest I've been out n' about since getting orthopaedic surgery back in January... which will get me back to fitness that bit quicker.

Though, reflecting on how much progress ah've made since March, and how surprised my consultant wus, at my last appointment, to hear ah wus up and about within a few weeks of gettin' ma plasters off. Ah don't think ah wus actually expected to start ma recovery proper til mid-March.

Don't know if that wus being keen on getting back to how things were - ie, no rely on family as much. Or me being determined to get on ma feet walk as soon as possible, or a bit o' both?

 

[Graeme1988]

I've known some smart people with CP, so I'm not sure I understand...but alright. Is that a stereotype you've experienced or something?

Yep! More so when ah wus younger, but it mainly persists with family nowadays. Y'know, being the youngest on my mum's side o' the family. Never taken seriously, laughed at when ah speak or express my honest opinion. Look upon with contempt for being more bookish, teaching myself things and being sensitive n' sensible.

Sorry you feel like you need to hide stuff. I know that feeling. I tend to leave out mental heath stuff, except for MAYBE the ADHD, because it seems to have a little less of a stigma or something.

Well that's not entirely true, there are the people who seem to be militant in their insistence that ADHD isn't actually a thing...but I digress. I empathize. It sucks to have to hide something about yourself (that you have no control over) out of fear for potential repercussions.

Well, ah know those repercussions aw too well, for being dumb enough to think I could confide in ma family about ma struggles with depression, anxiety n' suicidal thought as a teenager. Basically, my mum flipped n' yelled at me, tellin' me to go ahead and killing myself. And my family accuse me of lacking empathy. My oldest sister telt me ah hud no right or reason to be depressed. Like ya f**kin' choice it! :veryangry: She also used my depression against by accusing me of lying about how I was feeling for, at least a good 2 years.

Though, neither of them considered that I took my cousin suddenly cutting me outta his life with no reason given, pretty hard. Me giving up my group guitar lessons and playing the instrument altogether should've been a clear sign something wus'nae right, but my mum chose to be in denial everytime ah tried tell her how ah felt... Must be a Scottish thing, that? Not talking about yer feelings much... :idontknow:

Also, it's too bad we're in different countries. Barrier, shmarrier.

Isn't it just...

I'd TOTALLY use you to get the front of amusement park rides.

That's what friends are right? Things you use for convenience? :question:

Aye sure... Ah wouldnae be bothered. Ah've got a free carers pass, so you'd probably gettin' intae most theme parks, music gigs or live theatre/comedy shows for nowt, anyway. Since whoever accompanies me to these sorta places or events is considered my carer, thus gets in free... :bigsmile: