Och aye the noo

[kilojoule]

WOW!! That wus some concert last night. Bryan Adams wus on top form, as wus the rest of his band. Particular Keith Scott - he wus shreddin' like a muthafuka oan his guitar. And Bryan's on-stage and audience banter inbetween songs wus very funny. :bigsmile:

F**k knows whit ah did on Wednesday? :idontknow: Because ah feel like both that Bryan Adams gig and Dixie Chicks concert were on back-to-back nights.

ah Im really delighted to hear it Graeme you deserve to have a bit of fun. With all the crap you've had to put up with- especially lately, youve had a tough time, Im glad to hear you got to go to the gigs and enjoyed them.

 

[Graeme1988]

ah Im really delighted to hear it Graeme you deserve to have a bit of fun. With all the crap you've had to put up with- especially lately, youve had a tough time, Im glad to hear you got to go to the gigs and enjoyed them.

Aye, more so those 2 recently gigs. Arguments with ma mum aside. Mainly because ah hud'nae given much thought to them, in terms expectations beforehand. Or listened to either a Bryan Adams or Dixie Chicks album in the days afore the Glasgow shows.

But tend to enjoy most of the gigs ah go to, though. That said, some are more memorable than others. Like music gigs for me, ah hope this doesnae sound lame? If ah can walk outta of a gig huvin a new appreciation for a band ah like or feel the performance wus far better than the previous time ah saw, then, that fur me wus a great experience.

And with live comedy shows, ah tend be a bit mair self-conscious o' masel', due to me being unable contain masel' fae laughin' out loud when ah find summit really funny. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah don't know if I'm rushing ahead in ma rehab? Just recently, like a few days ago, ah've been walk short distances withoot ma crutches or zimmer frame. And when ah huv been using ma zimmer, ah've been puttin' a few steps in front of me and walkin' intae the frame, rather than leaning on it. Walkin' a bit more upright, which is an improvement compared to how ah wus last year. Still, it's agony, but the pain'll subside as the strength in ma legs comes back.

Just hope ma mum hus'nae blapped tae ma oldest sister, the last thing ah want is a patronising "Awww, well done!" :applause: fae her or the wimmin on my rehab/physiotherapy team. Makin' a big deal o' it. Sorry, but at the end o' the day, am just tryin' tae get back tae how thing were fur me afore the surgery. Which might seem like an achievement tae yous, but when you've been through a similar situation afore, it's just whit needs to be done.

Plus, ah huv'nae gave masel' time tae reflect oan the last few months, even though ah should take stoke of may progress and experiences. But ah've been too focused on gettin' ma legs in shape tae even relax and enjoy stuff ah like doing. The music and comedy gigs ah've been to since March huv really been ma only respite.

 

[Graeme1988]

Why me, eh? WHY?! :kickingmyself:

Ah really don't know how much mair o' this shite ah cun possibly take. Ah really don't. Went to ma bed last night, quietly greetin' as ah lay doon. :crying: Cuz ma mum treat me tae her usual "I'm dumb, take pity upon me" sob story of how ah treat her badly. Funny how it's awrite fur her to call me stupid for makin' a mistake, yet if ah do it to her... Oh, how could ah! Insulting a wummin, how sexist... How misogynistic of me.

But that how things seem to be with ma family, they cun treat me like shite, but ah'd dare not treat them like that, even though it'd only be fair that ah do.

And to make matter worse, ma mum went n' telt ma oldest sister that ah been walkin' withoot ma zimmer frame, today. Well, her reaction, let's just say wus as pathetic as it wus immature. Cuz ah wus standin' right next to her when mum said this, and ma sister just goes

"Huh! Ye kept that quiet, didn't ye?! Ye never tell me anything"​

Which is funny cuz she never tells me anythin' either. And she said in this sarcastic, petulant tone of voice, tae. I'm just glad ah know when tae bite ma tongue, cuz ah almost telt her tae, "F**k off, would ye!". Seriously, it seems ah cannae even huv any privacy. Like every detail o' ma life must be divulged to ma family so they huv summit to yap n' gossip aboot behind ma back.

Though, speakin' of ma oldest sister, it wus a kinda similar thing the other day when we were makin' oor way to Glasgow for the Bryan Adams gig. She started complaining that ah've been overspent on the credit card that we use to buy concert tickets. Bemoaning the cost of the 4 tickets for The Who in August - £160. Two tickets for me n' mum, another 2 for ma sister and her partner. Ah nearly blurted oot, "Well, ye shouldnae telt me tae book them, if yer just gonnae make a big deal aboot the money"

Ma sister's probably gonnae blap this recent development tae ma physio/rehab team as if ma progress away fae Lochmaben hospital is anyone's business but ma ain. Doesnae help that ma mum laughed at me when ah asked if they could keep the fact I'm startin' to walk unaided tae themselves. Ah don't know... Ah guess ah've never been yin for talkin' aboot masel' much or drawin' unwanted attention tae masel'. Or complain as much as ah should about things that bother me. Ma mum reaction when ah do probably hus a lot tae do with that... :question:

Ah wish ah could channel how I'm feelin' intae somethin' creative. :sad:

So, anyway, looks like it's back tae feelin' shitty as per usual. Which means being lied to, fuct with, manipulated and constantly letdown by those who say they love me.

 

[theslowesthand]

Also seems yer mother/etc are extroverts, while youre introverted .. which is another difficulty for you'se all (as clashes big-time)

 

[theslowesthand]

Ye certainly have more of a life than i do, what with seein all those gigs.
And THE WHO - i'm seriously envious, as theyve always been one of my favorite rock bands.
I've only been to 2 concerts ever, both a long time ago: Dire Straits, & Split Enz (new zealand band), plus saw at new years eve in pub 2 local bands Dave Dobynn & the Exponents.
Due to my SA/SP concerts are hard for me, so i dont go to them (if only i cukd be a "fly on the wall" tho!). Also i dont do pubs/clubs/etc for same reason (& probably couldnt even handle going to anything else entretainment, eg broadway musical, classical orchestra, comedy, ...).
So my life is as dull as u can find... :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ye certainly have more of a life than i do, what with seein all those gigs.
And THE WHO - i'm seriously envious, as theyve always been one of my favorite rock bands.

Aye, ah guess so - doesnae feel like it, mind you.

This upcoming gig will be ma 2nd time seeing The Who. Sorry, if I'm makin' ye mair jealous. :bigsmile: Ah saw them for the first time 2 years ago in Glasgow on St. Andrew's Day. They'll be back in Glasgow on the 29th of August, which is also the last day of Edinburgh Fringe festival. So, if ah can get a final Fringe show during that last weekend of the festival, The Who would be a nice way to round things off efter spendin' much of August in the Scottish capital.

I've only been to 2 concerts ever, both a long time ago: Dire Straits, & Split Enz (new zealand band), plus saw at new years eve in pub 2 local bands Dave Dobynn & the Exponents.

Dire Straits - aw man, that must've been some gig. Slightly envious as ah've been fan since ma mum introduced me to their music, well over 10 years ago. Huv'nae been a huge fan of Mark Knopfler's solo career, but love his guitar playin' style.

Due to my SA/SP concerts are hard for me, so i dont go to them (if only i cukd be a "fly on the wall" tho!). Also i dont do pubs/clubs/etc for same reason (& probably couldnt even handle going to anything else entretainment, eg broadway musical, classical orchestra, comedy, ...).
So my life is as dull as u can find... :sad:

Sorry tae hear that, slowesthand. To be fair, aw the concerts are difficult for me as well due to ma SP. Especially since folk huv struck up conversation with me outta naewhere - like last year at AC/DC and more recently at ELO where this older wummin and her husband started chattin' to me and ma oldest sister.

The only broadway musicial I've seen is Avenue Q - which is basically an adult parody of Sesame Street. And I'll be going to this Scottish musical at the end of May
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNVOV5e469c

Ah've never been to any classical music concerts, though ma sister always havering oan aboot how she'd love to go to the BBC Proms at the Royal Albert Hall, and ah've mentioned to her about it. Cuz ah'd love go anaw. But sadly we've never been. Knowin' ma luck she'll probably go with her boyfriend instead if she ever books tickets for it. As for comedy gigs, well speakin' fae experience huvin been to a fair few. It's the worst sittin' in the front row. mg: Ma first time at the Edinburgh Fringe festival still haunts me. Ah cun look back n' laugh now. But at the time, ah nearly fuct up the debut Edinburgh show for a fairly well-known American stand-up comic and actress.

Though this year's probably going to be slight better, even if both the Scottish comedians I'm going to see will likely recognise me. As I saw yin o' them during the Glasgow Comedy Festival back in March. And much like last year, Fred MacAulay will definitely recognise me, sittin' at the side of the stage. Ah doubt he's forgetten shakin' ma hand as ah left his 2014 Fringe show for my reaction to a particularly dark, poor-taste joke which had the rest of his audience gaspin' in shock. And me almost sliding outta ma wheelchair, laughin' hysterically.

Ah don't do pubs or clubs either, so yer not alone there. Not just cuz of SP, but ah've never been huge of that thumping techno club music, or gettin' drunk to the point ah cun barely walk. Did that at 14, and vowed never to get that shit-faced again.

As with pubs, ah dinnae follow the fitbaw (football) as closely as ah used to, so dinnae see the point of gan oot tae the pub. When Manchester United hud them championship cup wins for 3 years straight between, wus it 1997 til 1999? That the last time ah followed that sport regularly. Whereas now ah'll watch the occassional match here n' there... But don't huv same, almost religious, devotion to as some blokes do.

 

[Graeme1988]

Also seems yer mother/etc are extroverts, while youre introverted .. which is another difficulty for you'se all (as clashes big-time)

Oops! Sorry, didnae notice you'd posted this. Just saw the most recent post it the bottom o' the page. Aye, ma sisters are definitely extroverts. But it's harder to say whether ma mum is introverted or extroverted, right? Cuz she'll be all sociable with ma sisters and the rest of the family. But whenever she's around me she'll be aw dour n' miserable, and claim that she hates being around people. :question:

While tellin' me, I'm just shy. h: As for me, yer spot. Introverted as f**k so ah um. :bigsmile:

And clashes and arguments huv been a plenty, in the past few days. Particular on May 5th, when ah revealed ah forgot aw aboot the Scottish parlimentary election. When asked by ma sister, ah said that ah didnae realise it wus that day. To which, ma mum chipped in with, "Aye, ye did. Ah telt ye a few weeks ago when we were talkin' aboot it". To which ah responsed with, "Eh, no, ye didnae. You only asked me who ah might vote fur. And when ah asked you when it wus, ye telt me the election wus in May. You never gave me the date". Cuz ah'd huv remember bein' telt the date if she hud told me.

Oh, and being forced to agree with ma oldest sister's opinions is annoyin', even when ah don't. Same with be told by her that ah should be the "Man of the house". mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Constantly being guilt-tripped by family intae doing stuff ah flat-don't want to do. Nae f**kin' I'm so miserable. They don't even cares tae respect ma decisions, preferring to undermined me every chance they get. :kickmyself:

F**kin' fed up of it, ah really um.

Just because they do things for me when ah ask, it's automatically assumed that ah'll just do anythin' for them no questions asked. Because traditionalism still matters to the rest of ma family. Me - ah personally couldnae give f**k!

Sorry, but ah just hate bein' brow-beaten and made tae feel guilty for going against ma families wishes aw the time. But then, they do come first, cuz tae f**k with pittin' masel' first like the selfish c*nt that I supposedly am, eh?! To f**k with whether I'm happy or not, gotta keep the wimmin happy. Least they throw a tantrum at being told they can't have everythin' their way.

Hardly surprising since ma family seem more concerned at changing how I am as a person, than accepting me for who I am. :sad: And folk wonder why men huv a considerably higher suicide rate.

 

[Graeme1988]

Cannae win... Cannae f**kin win! :kickingmyself:

This is how pathetic ma life's gotten ah huv to ask permission to be allowed tae shave. Aye, ye heard right - shave! Nevermind the fact ah pay mair council tax n' rent money than ma own mum. Naw, she's the yin decided that, no me. Cuz if ah just walk intae the bathroom n' startin' runnin' the taps then it's...

"Are ye gonnae be long in there? Are ye just shaving yer beard? Are ye shaving yer heid, tae? Dinnae leave yer razor just lying there."

Cannae even shave withoot being held to an effin' time limit. erfect:

And ma mum in her usual dour, self-pitying, irritatin' mood says to me, today. And I quote...

"There's nae hope in this hoose"

​

Well, ah just snapped n' went...

"Nae hope?! Ha! Nae f**kin' wonder, eh?! Listenin' tae you gan oan like that aw the time. And if ye really feel that way then leave, or let me move oot. You'll be far happier withoot me burdening ya, anyway. Cuz, tae it fae me, this hoose is far happier, less tense place when yer just oan yer ain."

And that wus that, nae comeback. Nane o' ma mum aalwzy huvin tae get the last words. Cuz she know I'm not exaggeratin' when ah said whit ah did. And ah be an intense, aloof numpty with a love of readin', but by f**k am no wakin' every morning complaining aboot how difficult ma life is or how am depressed and oppressed. That's ma mum everyday with me. Cuz aw ah do is nag, right. Ah nag when ah fur help. Nag when an ask for summit to be done. Nag when ah ask if it awrite to get a shower or shave.

But at least, ah huv the decency to be a man and not constantly harp on aboot how depressed ah feel to evoke sympathy cuz poor me, ma life's so difficult. Which is whit ma mum does. Forget the fact that she doesnae need care for me as much she used to now, or that she spends a majority of her days lying on the couch watchin' repeats o' sitcoms and Bargin Hunt. Except when ma older sister comes to visit. Aye, it's a tough life, innit?

Sorry, just venting there. Kinda on verge o' a mental and emotional breakdown due to constantly being provoked, lied to, manipulated n' told I'm an awful person by the wummin who gave birth to and raised me. Half-arsedly, of course. But, to be fair, ah probably wouldnae huv turned oot the way I am. And I'm grateful fur that, cuz ma mum n' sisters pretty showed me the kinda person ah didnae want to be.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah find it hard, at times, to find the words tae fully articulate how ah feel, despite seeming to be this bright, intelligent fella who didnae huv the happiest upbringing or do well educationally. Coupled with fact ah huv this paranoid fear that ah'll be accused o' lyin' and fakin' ma depression for attention. Which is devastating claim tae huv levelled at ye by anybuddy, let alone yer ain family. ::

Guess it's other people's reactions that most worry me whenever ah do open up in real life. Cuz ah've never been great at giving off the impression that all is well inside ma heid. Ah rarely smile, ye cun basically see the sadness in ma eyes I'm not smiling. And I've never been yin tae fake how I'm feelin', either. Which is probably why ah cun be so distant, guarded and standoff-ish. Sorry, just rambling here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6jz1hewTzA

^ This song is pretty much how ah've been feelin' lately ^​

 

[Graeme1988]

Well folks, ah think I'm done. Naw, scratch that, I'm actually done...

Ah've hud aw ah cun mentally take o' this shite parental mum/son relationship, in which I've been the long-suffering brow-beaten neanderthal male. Forever paying for the past sins of the man who helped spawn. Forever the obedient slave to the militant feminist wimmin to whom I am related. Forever silent for fear ah utter words ah actually f**kin' mean with every fibre of my being. Or they might laugh, because everything I say, much like the past 16 years of ma life, is a big joke at my expense. It just a shame naebuddy's telt me the punchline...

Cuz Godforbid ye huv yer ain thoughts n' opinions in ma family. Naw, that shite no oan ataw! Cannae huv yin sheep strayin' fae tha herd. Cuz ye ken whit that leads tae, eh? Gettin' ideas above yer station. And if there's yin things Scottish folk hate mair than each other, it's a smug c*nt who thinks and acts like they're better than everybuddy else.

Ye probably think that's an accurate description o' me. But naw, ah don't think highly of enough masel' tae believe I'm better than someone else. Nor do ah huv the ego to justify such an attitude. I'm scum, in aw honesty, folk.

Everythin' always seem to be ma fault, anyway. And can ye blame fur losin' the heid cuz everytime ah say ah don't want her help ma mum insists on help, then throw a tantrum cuz ah raised ma voice after repeatin' masel' for tha third time. Ah mean, jeez-oh! How many times does someone need to be told?! An this "Are ye sure...?" pish whenever ah just answered a question. Well, if ah wus unsure, ah wouldnae huv answered sayin' "Aye, that'll dae" the first" :kickingmyself:

I'm broken man, who doesnae see much point in picking up tha pieces an pittin' masel' back together. Cuz f**k all's gonnae change fur me now. Ma family are still going to treat me like shit while accusing me being the bad guy, regardless. Because they can and do just that. But, whatever, I used to the pain, the mental torment and the every increasing blame placed upon me if ah do wrong or if ma mum or sisters wrong me. Either way it's ma fault.

And call me sexist or misogynistic fur sayin' this, but the only thing ah've learnt aboot wimmin fae livin' with 'em aw these years is that, they never accept responsibility for their words nor actions, always passin' tha buck. And they hate not gettin' things their way. I'm well aware that that's probably ma own ignorance and naive view.

Anyway, I'm gonnae go now and ponder whether ma shitty life with the occassional brief moments o' genuine happiness and escapism is still actually worth living. :: :idontknow:

 

[zharl]

Please don't say that. You're life is always worth living. Please take the time to look into the resources on this thread if you think you might do something...impulsive.

 

[theslowesthand]

Seems like there's some things that have changed for you recently? Have they/family changed? Or you? Or is it that your situation/lifestyle has changed?
Cause till recently, u seemed to "handle" whatever shite life thrown at ya, but right now is not the case?
I believe life throws challenges at ya, and to the limit of what ye can endure - its just life. You can view it as a shitty deal, or view it as necessary lessons needing to learn/grow from; fight against it (& suffer more), or go with the flow - take yer pick...

But i hope you can manage to "see the forest for the trees" soon, as you do seem more "desperate" now for solutions & meaning, than you usually are. A bit o "soul searching" aint such a bad thing...

 

[Graeme1988]

Seems like there's some things that have changed for you recently? Have they/family changed? Or you? Or is it that your situation/lifestyle has changed?
Cause till recently, u seemed to "handle" whatever shite life thrown at ya, but right now is not the case?
I believe life throws challenges at ya, and to the limit of what ye can endure - its just life. You can view it as a shitty deal, or view it as necessary lessons needing to learn/grow from; fight against it (& suffer more), or go with the flow - take yer pick...

It's probably me who's changed. Aye, ah could handle whatever shite wus thrown at me afore only cuz ah wus'nae gettin' the usually shite sandwich of compliment, snide remark, compliment.

And ma situation hus changed, since I'm basically learning how to walk again. Startin' to huv doubts if it'll be for the best - the recent surgery - since I'm really struggling 3 months into ma plaster being removed, and still not being able to wear ma leg braces.

Ma family aren't exactly being as supportive as they claim. Ma sister wus in hysterics this morning at how knackered ah wus by the end o' ma physiotherapy session. Cuz, of course, me outta breath and in pain fae the waist doon is a right laiugh. Also, ah dinnae appreciate ma physio team being under the impression I'm afraid o' them and hate them. Their assumption, no how ah actually feel. Is it wrong that ah dinnae want to get overly personal with them, an keep things professional?

As far as life goes ah view as a shitty deal which ah just make the best of and get oan with it. Being born with a disability isn't exactly the "easy life" if ye ken whit ah mean? So it's hard not to let it get me down at times. Though, ah've learn to hide how ah feel regard that, since it's an off-limits topics for ma family. Since ah get accused of lying when ah do speak ma mind on how difficult ah find it at times.

Not to mention huvin nae male role model or influence in ma life, it hus'nae been easy huvin tae be ma ain role model as it were, and fend for masel'. As well as learning by f**kin' up. Which while probably the best life lesson, ah'd probably huv turn oot better with the right guidance to avoid makin' aw the silly mistakes ah've made the past 16 years. But then ma mum and sisters didnae exactly teach me anything. Since, as a man, I'm expect to already know about shit ah've never been taught or experienced.

But i hope you can manage to "see the forest for the trees" soon, as you do seem more "desperate" now for solutions & meaning, than you usually are. A bit o "soul searching" aint such a bad thing...

Dinnae ken if am desperate for solutions or meanings. A less stressful n' tense home environment wouldnae go a miss. Failing that a place of ma ain to create mair distance between me, ma mum and ma oldest sister. Because they are constantly push their ideas and suggestion onto me that by rejecting them - I'm being ungrateful. Oh, and they insist upon helping me even when ah tell 'em outright ah don't want their help.

Ah don't know, ah guess I'm just frustrated that ma quietness is seen a me mentally judging people. When most of the time, there isn't a single thought in ma head during whenever I'm being quiet - why else would ah be startin' at ma feet? Ma shyness means I'm stuck-up, and ma cerebral palsy means I'm just too "lazy" to do anything and needs to be nagged to do stuff.

Assumptions that both ma family and people who barely know me huv made frequently. And just that added pressure upon me to be more social, be like everyone else, and prove myself to be just as smart and outgoing, or just as funny or cool. Sorry if I'm just rambling incoherently here. Didnae pit a great deal o' thought intae this response.

 

[Graeme1988]

It'd be great if ah didnae huv tae live up tae ma family's expectation aw the time. Doing stuff just to make them happy, rather masel' happy. Cuz makin' other folk happy stopped makin' me happy when ah realised people take advantage o' ma willingness to help and do things for others with hesitation.

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda sad that the going to the Edinburgh Fringe festival again is the only thing that's keeping me going, as well as few other concerts and shows. But other than that, I'm starting to notice how empty ma life's been these past 12 years, since depression took away ma passion and love for playin' music and being creative. :sad:

And anxiety and agoraphobia made me shit-scared of to be aroon other people - more so than ah wus already - and leavin' ma house. :: And none of those things are easy to overcome when ye get accused of faking them just to get outta be social. Though, me being quite an introverted guy is just a kick in goolies on top of everything else. :kickingmyself:

Still trying to figure oot whether me not fitting in with everyone else is a good thing or bad? :thinking: Ma family seems determined to make me feel bad for being loner. Apparently I'm too isolated - what with ma guitars, iPod, massive DVD collection and laptop.

 

[Graeme1988]

Damnit!! Of all the days that one of the comedians ah wus hoping to see again at the Edinburgh Fringe this year, it hud to be a day that ma sister said not to book tickets for. And it's just that one night only.... :kickingmyself:

 

[Hoppy]

.- what with ma guitars, iPod, massive DVD collection and laptop.

I don't know, it seems quite normal to me.

 

[Graeme1988]

I don't know, it seems quite normal to me.

Does it? Buckin' hell, man. You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. :thumbup:

Ma oldest sister seems to keep harp on aboot how she hopes I'm no isolating masel' too. Plus, ma other older sister (the younger of the two) and ma mum are deeply concerned that ah don't talk to them much, or hang out with the family collectively. Nothin' to with the fact that ma family - at least the ones ah grew up with - are dumb, arrogant, ignorant, self-opinionated, attention-w***es? Whom ah only respect outta human decency.

Not that I'm the smartest person in ma family, far from it. Ah just prefer to be more unassuming and not draw attention to masel'. Since ye tend to say less stuff shite when ya think afore ya speak. Ah also don't claim to never be wrong about things, like ma sisters seem to think of themselves as being.

It's getting beyond frustrating being forced to be more extroverted, despite being an introverted. :kickingmyself: