Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Nearly lost it an snapped at ma oldest sister the day. Thankfully ah didnae bother articulatin' the thought in ma heid at that present moment when she tried to coerce me intae walkin' doon the entire flight o' stairs in ma hoose.

Honestly ah could've said:

"Why d'ye think ah lie aboot ma right leg being weak? Y'know it's always been that way. Oh, and why the rush, eh? Ever since ah've hud the plaster you seem tae am Jesus an ah cun just miraculously heal ma f**kin' legs back tae strength... Sadly it's no as simple as that".​

^ Thankfully though, ah didnae bother, ah just telt her ah'll do it when am ready response, which wus an implied, "F**k off, ah daein in ma ain time"

Ah really don't get why ma family seem intent on rushing the get me back tae health. Or why ah get told: "No tae underestimate masel' aw the time". Cannae even be realistic as far as attemptin' things when am ready. As if bein' telt am huvin a laugh when ah say ma recovery could take a year.

Ah know nane o' them enjoy huvin me depend upon them, and ah feel the same way. F**kin' hate bein' co-dependent.

Would be great if ma family could go back tae how they were 4 months ago with me, they were mair supportive an less overbearing when ah'd not long got the surgery done. But lately ah can't catch a break. Can't even find time to take ma mind off ma recovery - since that the first thing tbat gets mentioned whenever ma mum or oldest sister talk to me. Couldnae even fully enjoy the concerts ah've seen in Glasgow lately, aside fae two o' them - yin this month, and another back in March. :kickingmyself:

Seems that way with aw the things ah enjoy doin'... :sad: :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: [Insert every expletive in exsistence here - except the one beginning with "C" and ending in "unt"] Say in a Scotch accent and end with "Ya c**ty c**t!"

As ye cun probably tell fae aw that I'm well pissed off. Aye, that's right mair pissed off than a Glaswegian being telt the price of pint in London pub. And sorry tae anybuddy fae Glesga. On 2nd thought, f**k yous if ye take umbrage at that. Ya enjoy a drink an a fight as much as next Scotsman or wummin.

Anyway, am just annoyed that everythin' aboot me seen as a negative. Particularly ma quiet, shy, reserved personality - or lack o' personality - and the fact ah dinnae complain aw the time. F**kin' sorry that's the case, like.

Sorry ah cannae be loud, loutish, extrovert c**t that ma Scottish heritage should allow me tae be by default.

But ah just dinnae see the point of complaining aboot anythin' cuz it doesnae get ye anywhere. Aye, of course, ma lega hurt but please stick yer "Aw, ya pare wee lamb" sympathy up yer hole. Even stuff that really pisses me off doesnae seem worth gittin' aw bent oot o' shape aboot.

Noo, mibbe that's fae years o' being telt tae "Man-up!" whenever ah complained aboot summit.
Thus makin' me aboot as invisible as Sue Storm. :sarcastic:

There's a reason ah practically live ma life by this Scottish sayin'...

 

[Graeme1988]

Ugh! Dammit, Edinburgh! The Edinburgh Fringe Festival - too many things tae see, too many things ye want tae see. But you've got neither the money or the time... :kickingmyself: F**k! F**k! F**k! F**k! Why did they huv tae up their game this year? How tha hell um ah gonnae plan ma stay in Edinburgh durin' August noo? Am gonnae spend a fortune this year.

Though, ah'll be effin' ragin' if the travelodge ah book turned oot tae be a minging shitehole...

 

[theslowesthand]

This wus regarding 3 shows we want to book tickets for at the Edinburgh Fringe this year. Then the argument really started when ma mum asks me...

"Whit time are they on at?"​

And ah calmly explained that the shows all taking place at the same venue, the times of the shows aren't going to matter, we'll get to see all them, so there was no need to worry about it. Well this reply f**kin' triggered ma mum intae a hissy-fit. She throws doon the pen an yells at me:

"It's doesnae f**kin' matter...!!"​

And attempts to storm off

To me it seems like you have treaden on her feminist ego a bit there. She was wanting to be all in-control & controlling of you, yet you may have "turned the tables" (by saying her question was essentially a "useless" question to ask) resultin in her feminist pride being dinted. So nay, it wasnot about th fact the times were unimportant, but that she took it as a personal attack to her (feminist) ego.
Thats my take anyroad.

 

[Hoppy]

 

[Graeme1988]

To me it seems like you have treaden on her feminist ego a bit there. She was wanting to be all in-control & controlling of you, yet you may have "turned the tables" (by saying her question was essentially a "useless" question to ask) resultin in her feminist pride being dinted. So nay, it wasnot about th fact the times were unimportant, but that she took it as a personal attack to her (feminist) ego.
Thats my take anyroad.

I wus actually going to response to this post a few hours after it wus posted.

Sadly, a similar incident tae the yin aboot the Edinburgh Fringe happened last night, same overreaction too. This time over a portable charger ah'd only realised wus'nae fully charged after ma mum asked me if ah wanted it taken through to ma bedroom from ma wee lounge area.

Once again ma mum flipped her f**kin' lid. Yellin' an swearin' at me, belittlin' me for being forgetful. Ah just... F**k it. There's nae point sayin' how ah felt in that moment. Other than to say ah cannae see masel' lastin' much longer.

Honestly, am contemplatin' ma own death at this point, with the amount o' shite ah've got tae tolerate from ma family. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

This year hus'nae been great fur me ataw. Aye sure, it got off tae a great start, but lately it's been pure shite.

Yet another setback with ma leg braces, this time it's the shoes ah hud made fur them. They're no wide enough, so summit'll need tae be done aboot them pronto. Cuz that'll be 3 months ah huv'nae worn them tae walk aboot in.

Even though, that wus the plan fae the off. And if ma local hospital hud got the shoes seen to shortly efter ah wus cast for ma new splints (leg braces), ah wouldnae huv waste money tryin' tae get a pair that wur'nae gonnae fit anyway. Shower uh b***ards so they are! Mair concerned wae savin' dosh than a patients well-being.

 

[Graeme1988]

Cannae even focus, lately. Hud a couple o' books ah really want tae read, one of them being the basis for a show am going to see next month.

But ah just... cannae focus ataw. Everybuddy aroon me seems mair concerned with how ma rehab's gan, rather than how ah actually feel lately. And I'm pretty knackered, like. Life just seems tae be fleein' past me, ah hinnae even got time tae process it.

No sayin' there's no been some happy moments within the last month alone, just that ah dinnae seem tae huv the time to do things ah enjoy at the moment. Just thought of pickin' up ma electric guitar doesnae make me feel an sense of joy.

Doesnae exactly help that ma mum an eldest sister are being overly optimistic in their perception that ah cun recover fae the surgery ah hud in half the time as estimated by ma consultant surgeon. Cuz am younger and fitter than they are. Whit pish! Just cuz am younger doesnae me ah've got heal process o' Wolverine fae the f**kin' X-Men, awrite!?

 

[theslowesthand]

Doesnae exactly help that ma mum an eldest sister are being overly optimistic in their perception that ah cun recover fae the surgery ah hud in half the time as estimated by ma consultant surgeon

Tis' makin me wonder, why they're constant on ya havin a speedy recovery. Whats their motive i say?? Good or not? Could it be so they dont have ta be tending to yer needs as per much?? (ie selfish motive)

 

[theslowesthand]

Sadly, a similar incident tae the yin aboot the Edinburgh Fringe happened last night, same overreaction too. This time over a portable charger ah'd only realised wus'nae fully charged after ma mum asked me if ah wanted it taken through to ma bedroom from ma wee lounge area.
Once again ma mum flipped her f**kin' lid. Yellin' an swearin' at me, belittlin' me for being forgetful

Man has she a "short-fuse" or WHAT - that is CRAZY!!!

Honestly, am contemplatin' ma own death at this point, with the amount o' shite ah've got tae tolerate from ma family. :kickingmyself:

Been doing a fair bit o' that meself recently .. but nout to do with people at all.

 

[Graeme1988]

Tis' makin me wonder, why they're constant on ya havin a speedy recovery. Whats their motive i say?? Good or not? Could it be so they dont have ta be tending to yer needs as per much?? (ie selfish motive)

Here's ma theory oan that, it's a pretty good yin since ah know ma mum an sister quite well as far as how they treat me goes. Right, so...

Ma sister's pressurin' me cuz she thinks she's doing right by me, gan on this "Ye cun dae it, dinnae underestimate yersel' noo" motivational pish. Cuz ah've never been yer confident type. And, obviously, she hus'nae got clue as far as the reality o' huvin 3 hoors worth o' orthopedic sugery done on yer legs and recovery time that entails.

Today, she said to me, I shit you not...

"It's been a tryin' few months fur you an mum. But ye got through it awrite. You've came on leaps an bounds in the last few months. The last month, even. But then, you wouldnae huv wanted tae be doonstairs for 5 days while Vicky, Michael n' Ava were here..."​

That last bit wus a reference to ma older sister, her husband an their wee 'un. Ah responded to ma sisters remarks with...

"Aye, but ah didnae want tae spend mair time than need be doonstairs in the livin' room. Nowt tae dae with Vicky n' Michael comin' tae stay. Ah wanted back up the stair cuz ah'd been doonstairs since January and gettin' bored of it"​

As per usual, ma oldest sister found this funny enough tae laugh-out-loud. For reasons unknown tae me, like, ah wus just statin' the facts.

Anyway, gettin' back tae yer, point. Ah think they want me tae huv a speedy recovery cuz am always telt whenever ma sister goes away on holiday tae look after our mum. Despite the fact, ah cun barely just look after masel' and ma mum is still reluctant fur me tae be fully independent. Cuz like most co-dependent narcisstics, they want to be needed and in control.

And that's the main reason, cuz ma mum gettin' older it's ma responsibility to care for her. More than she ever did me, like. But that's how it is. Needless tae say whenever ah bring up this wee fact, as well ma mum never once taking ma side when ah got intae an argument with ma oldest sister. Even when ah wus in the right to demand an apology from her (ma sister), ah wus made oot tae be the bad guy.

But, aye, that's the reason, caring for ma mium. It's also the reason why I, nearly 30, huv'nae been allowed tae get a place of ma own. :sad:

Man has she a "short-fuse" or WHAT - that is CRAZY!!!

Buckin' mental, man! She did again today. Didnae flee of the hand, but she did bemoan the fact that ah asked her tae help but "Whenever ah try tae help ye didnae want ma help". Always the bloody victim, ah did sarcastically make a point of sayin'...

"Aw, that tactic noo, is it? Usin' past incident against me, tryin' tae make me feel guilty?"​

And ah left it at that, cuz ah wus gonnae go intae a rant aboot the difference between askin' for help, an somebuddy insisting they help ya despite you not askin' for their help. Ye see whit am gettin' at there, aye?

Or am I just bein' an arse as per usual ? Going on ma mum's perception of how ah um.

Been doing a fair bit o' that meself recently .. but nout to do with people at all.

Just life in general, eh? Ah know the feelin', still sorry yer huvin the same thoughts lately, anaw.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah think ma mum's tendency tae over-reaction and be judgemental like ma sisters is the main reason why ah keep a lotta stuff to masel'. Feelings, opinions, stuff that would give an insight intae me as a person.

Like ma mum the other day, ordered a takeaway for our tea and upon it gettin' delivery she goes: "Uh Gawd! This'll probably be shite" Now, ah know us Scots huv a reputation for being dour, negative, pessimistic f**ker, but c'mon! That's a bit much, like. Dismissing summit afore you've even tried.

Makes me wonder if ma mum's life hus always been a dull, borin' and uneventful - or d'ye just become more jaded the more kids ye huv? She been like this ever since ah wus wee. Always discouraging me fae stuff, while ma sisters got aw the encouragement an support they needed or wanted. :thinking: Can develop low self-esteem if the parent that raised ye didnae exactly instill confidence in ye? But instead, just project aw her faults ontae you? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Is it abnormal to feel anxious aboot doin' summit ye huv'nae done in awhile?

Ah only ask cuz ah got looked at me as if ah wus weird the day when ma physiotherapy team came tae ma hoose tae help me with walkin' doon the stairs. Ah mean ah did huv extensive surgery done a few months ago, everythin' cannae gan back tae how it wus overnight...

Also, am startin' tae really hate ma sister for constantly pushin' me when ah don't feel like, but ah do it anyway cuz ah dinnae huv much say in the matter.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah've been feelin' quite depressed today. And this might sound odd but ah feel that way cuz ah honestly huv'nae hud much time tae sit back, relax, take stock an reflect upon everythin' that's happened since January.

Whit makes that aw the worse is the fact that, come ma next appointment with ma consultant surgeon, ah dinnae huv a clue whit tae say when she inevitably asks me: "So, how have things been for you these past few months?" :thinking: :idontknow:

 

[Hoppy]

You can always try telling her what you have told us.

Maybe she knows how to help, or are able to refer you to someone who can help.

I do not understand about people myself. Family is worse. You want to swap?

 

[Graeme1988]

You can always try telling her what you have told us.

Whoa! Whoa! Easy there, ah've tried that afore. It didnae exactly end well. Ah wus made oot tae a right c**t. Ma famiy seem tae lack the ability to take criticism. And don't take well to be told the truth withoot gettin' defensive.

Maybe she knows how to help, or are able to refer you to someone who can help.

Whit d'ye mean by refer to someone who can help? Other than ma physiotherapy team, that's aboot it. And the yin o' them ah feel ah can trust is an tall, stout India bloke called Minaj. Doesnae exactly bode well...

Ah mean we've just been daein this rehab based off whit ah went through 14 years ago with ma last surgery.

I do not understand about people myself.

Ah've never understood folk, either. Mibbe that's why ah still feel like an outsider in ma own culture? Dinnae feel as Scottish as you'd think. Mainly cuz I'm no aw that confident or egotisitical.

Family is worse. You want to swap?

Ha! That depends, are yer family easy to get along with. Do they immediately say summit dismissive an judgemental aboot things they know f**k all about.

Seriously, ye dinnae want to live with ma family. Ma mum tends to overreact aboot things. Even when yer being nice, she'll perceive you as being an arse. And don't you effin' dare challenge her opinion, cuz she "doesnae like tae think aboot it". And if yer feelin' depressed... Well, yer own yer own!

Also, d'ye enjoy feelin' stressed cuz yer 2 sisters aren't just annoying. But one o' them - the oldest - is too arrogant and obnoxius to admit when she's wrong whenever ye get intae an argument with her. Even when you are in the right. And the youngest of the 2 will start an argument over trivial things. And ye better not say anythin' "the wrong way" - that'll send her intae a violent, sweary hissy-fit. Slammin' doors, shoutin'.

Oh, and ye better f**kin' smile, cuz if yer oldest sister asks ye if yer awrite. And you answer "Aye", she'll still no be convinced. And keep askin' if you're awrite til yer irritated, then go: "Awrite! Just asking...".

 

[Graeme1988]

Cannae beat being woken up at half past 8 in the morning to sight o' yer mum comin' intae yer bedroom accompanied by a group o' Glaswegian joiners. Her tellin' you tae get up.

Then subsequently bein' complimented on yer taste o' music by yin o' the joiners. "Yer a rocker, eh? Aye, ah like Led Zeppelin, masel' ". And ah didnae feel the least bit self-conscious aboot it. Despite ma age, y'know? Cuz ah've always got teased aboot ma taste in music by ma family, since ah've never really been huge on a lotta the music that ma peers listened to.

I'm very miuch old head on young shoulder, so tae speak.

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't know why ah feel calm tae the point o' indifferent towards aw the setbacks that huv occured tae me since February this year. Cuz it's buckin' depressin' an quite disheartening, considerin' aw the hope, optimism an positivity ah entered 2016 with. :kickingmyself:

Made aw the weirder by the fact everybuddy else aroon me hus complained aboot these problems mair than me. Ah guess when yer so used tae disappointment an being letdown, ye kinda come tae expect it everytime?

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah think ah'll just give up... Aye, that sounds like a plan.

Cuz it doesnae get any easier for folk like me, and ah don't mean living with ma disability. Ah mean socially.

No matter whit ah do, somebuddy has tae huv a wee sarcastic, cutting remark at my expense. I'm judged when ah keep quiet, when ah speak ma mind. Either it's always negative or dismissive, even if am the only yin being sensible. Sorry if that makes me seem arrogant or stuck-up in someway.

Even when am just tryin' tae be helpful, ma family huv tae makes a snide remark. An huvin assumptions made aboot me by family and folk who dinnae ken me personally - that's another pain in the arse. :kickingmyself:

Honestly it just feels like ah cannae catch a break lately.

Ah feel like everytime ah meet someone new ah should immediately apologies for the way ah um.

"Sorry I'm no that talkative, sorry ah huv issues with puttin' ma trust in people ah barely know well. And sorry am not as outgoing, confident or as intelligent as ye"​

 

[Graeme1988]

Ye still readin' this pish, eh?! Good oan ye if that's the case...

Anyway, since ah huv'nae talked aboot it much, ah thought ah'd give yous a wee update on how ma rehabs goin'.

So, today during ma exercise session, ah manage to stand upright with both arms oot in front of me for 1 minute and 42 seconds. Last week ah attempted that 3 times, only managing 17 seconds, 18 seconds and 32 seconds respectively.

Oh, and not to be overly optimistic this early in ma recovery, but ah think ma surgery might huv been a success. Cuz whereas before ma right foot was way up on the ball of ma foot, very nearly oan ma tiptoes. Now, it's just a millimetre from being totally flat on the ground. And ma left foot has remainded totally flat since ah started walkin' again.

Still cannae get the custom made shoes on with ma leg braces, the right side proving impossible. They only took 4 weeks tae bloody make. Also, the orthotics department of ma local hospital still huv'nae got back to me, despite one of ma physiotherapy team leaving as message as well.

In the meantime, ah've got heel lift inserts for ma shoes to give ma right achilles a similiar stretch and support ah'd get if ah wus wearin' ma splints (leg braces).

Ah'd say the issues with the shoes an leg braces hus really been the only issue. That, and me no huvin the greatest confidence the two wimmin in ma physiotherapy team. Ah don't mean that in sexist way, they're just a bit.. inept. Makin' the odd mistake, like forget to put the breaks on ma wheelchair last week and askin' me tae stand up, result in the fleein' backward as pushed up from the arm-rests.

But, as ah've said previously, things seems tae movin' a rapid pace as far as the rehab goes. It's seems to huv consumed aw ma free time, which buckin' awfy. Cuz ah cannae relax an take ma mind off it.