Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Still seriously considerin' killin' masel', mainly cuz I'm just an absolute burden to ma family. :sad: Plus ma relationship with ma mum's just gonnae keep spirallin' downwards. We're just gonnae continue driftin' appart anyway.

And ah cannae take anymore of her bitter, miserable, hostile attitude. Constantly responding like a f**kin' crabbit teenager whenever ah ask her to help me or do summit for me that actually involve her gettin' off her lazy arse. Now, ah know yer probably think that's a bit harsh o' me tae talk aboot ma ain muther like that, but it's true.

Ah feel like am treatin' oan egg-shells with ma family, which is why ah've opted for solitude over huvin tae interact with them.
Yet it's me - the quiet, shy, sensible, sensitive bassa who's labelled intimidatin' n' threatening.

 

[Graeme1988]

Literally tremblin' with rage as ah write this post, tryin' tae keep masel' fae greetin'... :crying: Startin' tae wonder, if it's gonnae be worth it aw in a year's time? Going through the physical agony of rehabilitation fae orthopedic procedures. Ah know, fancy words for a dumb numpty like me... Sadly, that's probably going to be the bit o' humour ah cun muster.

And on that note, ma mum has forbid me fae movin' oot and gettin' place of ma own. As wus ma plan if I'm back in shape physical and ma surgery proves a sucess, come January 2017. Apparently she needs me more than ah need her. Since ah'll never cope on ma own cuz o' ma cerebral palsy - yet ah seemed to manage fine those 2 occasions she went tae visit ma older sister in Ireland. In fact, those were some o' the most relaxing, happy and least anxious days o' ma life. But ah digress...


I am seek o' how I'm treat aw the time! Ah take it huvin manners and being polite is frown upon nowadays, eh!? Treat people how you'd like to be treated. Well, by that logic, I'm a right c**t fur being nice tae folk... Unless, of course, ye piss me off.

Ah think ah'll better off deid, tae be honest. Cuz it sure beats being yelled at by ma own mum fur merely askin' to do something for me. :kickingmyself: Plus, it's no like ah've got much, if anythin', to live for. Ah cun barely function. Livin' with crippling anxiety and am forever wary of people and their intentions or motives. No fearful, in fact. I'm a failure, which kinda sums most of may life til now. Aye, there's the odd small achievement, which ah cun take some pride in, but those are very few in grand scheme of things.

Ma family say they love and think highly of me yet their actions show they huv got nowt but contempt n' hatred for me. Ma mum clearly wishes ah hud died at birth, secretly, since her attitude towards me has changed a bit since ah wus 15. Still as angry, bitter, hateful and bipolar as it ever wus... Verbally violent yin minute, then apologetic an sayin' she loves & couldnae live withoot me the next. It's all utter pish, of course. Cuz it's insincere, more o' guilt-trip, shaming tactics ma family huv always used to make sure ah shut up and know ma place. But then whit did she expect me tae turn oot like?
Being like that towards me, of course, ah wus gonnae be frightened o' people.

RANT OVER!!​

Better try to get some sleep. Then, tomorrow, it's that same auld routine o' plasterin' oan a fake smile an pretendin' everything's fan-dabby-dozy.

 

[kilojoule]

It sounds like youre having great success in your exercise sessions Really glad to hear it.

I hope you don't mind me saying but I hope that you will be able to move out. You've seemed unhappy at home as long as Ive been coming to the forum. It'd be something to look forward to too during rehabilitation which I imagine is pretty brutal. It must be tough for you at the moment going through all this. Is there anyone you can talk to outside your family about the possibility of moving out in the future?

 

[Graeme1988]

It sounds like youre having great success in your exercise sessions Really glad to hear it.

Aye, they're going better than ah thought - considering I've got more confidence in Minaj - the Indian fella - than I do Erin & Lorraine, as far as ma overall faith in ma physiotherapy team goes. Nuthin' the wimmin personally, they just seem a bit.. forgetful at times. Plus, whenever Erin speaks to me, ah huv to keep masel' from wantin' to tell her sounds a bit like ma older sister...

I hope you don't mind me saying but I hope that you will be able to move out. You've seemed unhappy at home as long as Ive been coming to the forum.

No, I don't you sayin' that at all, joule. Yer quite right anaw, darlin'.

As for being unhappy at home, chalk that doon tae years o' being emasculated by ma mum and siblings, as well as being ignored most o' the time and not being taken seriously. Being told ah didnae huv social anxiety or hud an right to feel depressed or complain doesnae help things. Though, worst of all is aggressive overreaction I'd get from my mum whenever I tried to talk to her about anything that wasn't relate to football, a TV show or some celebrity. Coupled with tha always negative attitude n' outlook only ah get from her. Ah've just got to the point where ah keep ma distance, since she hus a tendency tae snap at me the most...

Outwardly, ah try to give the impression things are fine, as ma family forcing me to open up'll do more harm than good. Since ma mum hus'nae exactly shown much empathy towards me, nor has she ever tried to properly see things from my perspective. But nane o' ma family huv... even if they think they do. Plus, opening up to ma mum & sisters will just end up with taking aw the blames, since ah brung it on masel'.

But ah try to distract masel' from thinkin' aboot just how unhappy I am - since I'm all too aware of how miserable ma life is. Music has been my escape lately. Coupled with a good movie or a book, when I've the concentration for either.

Is there anyone you can talk to outside your family about the possibility of moving out in the future?

:thinking: My occupational therapist would be the only person I could talk to, but she'd probably want to talk it over with my mum as well. Which would mean my chances of moving out in future are slim. Cuz everytime I bring it up, ma mum goes into the whole, well, to quote my mum verbatim...

"But it's no whit ah want... Whit'll ah do without ye? How will ah cope? Ah need ye. Ah'll miss yer company"​

And nevermind the fact that, everytime ah've tried to talk with ma OT while ma mum's in the living room as well, ma mum's always interrupted me, and contradicted nearly everythin' ah've said. Which probably goes some way to explain why ah don't talk much anymore, and tend to get lost for words. Topped off with an insecurity of not being articulate in terms of speakin'.

While moving out is something to look forward to, I'm pessimistic it'll become a reality anytime soon. Since, while the old physio team I had as a teenager actively encouraged me to try and be as independent as possible, ma mum was more dismissive toward the idea and took upon herself discourage me from being just that - independent. She's convinced I'm incapable of coping by myself. And call me cynical, but ah think the reason for this is to ensure the burden of caring for her falls to me. :thumbdown: :idontknow: Because it's odd that she'd make the thought of me - her last-born - movin' oot aw aboot her.

 

[theslowesthand]

Plus, it's no like ah've got much, if anythin', to live for. Ah cun barely function. Livin' with crippling anxiety and am forever wary of people and their intentions or motives. No fearful, in fact. I'm a failure, which kinda sums most of may life til now. Aye, there's the odd small achievement, which ah cun take some pride in, but those are very few in grand scheme of things

Aye can sadly relate with you there. Is pretty much a good summary of my life :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

As for being unhappy at home, chalk that doon tae years o' being emasculated by ma mum and siblings, as well as being ignored most o' the time and not being taken seriously. Being told ah didnae huv social anxiety or hud an right to feel depressed or complain doesnae help things. Though, worst of all is aggressive overreaction I'd get from my mum whenever I tried to talk to her about anything that wasn't relate to football, a TV show or some celebrity. Coupled with tha always negative attitude n' outlook only ah get from her. Ah've just got to the point where ah keep ma distance, since she hus a tendency tae snap at me the most...

Outwardly, ah try to give the impression things are fine, as ma family forcing me to open up'll do more harm than good. Since ma mum hus'nae exactly shown much empathy towards me, nor has she ever tried to properly see things from my perspective. But nane o' ma family huv... even if they think they do. Plus, opening up to ma mum & sisters will just end up with taking aw the blames, since ah brung it on masel'.

"But it's no whit ah want... Whit'll ah do without ye? How will ah cope? Ah need ye. Ah'll miss yer company"​

And nevermind the fact that, everytime ah've tried to talk with ma OT while ma mum's in the living room as well, ma mum's always interrupted me, and contradicted nearly everythin' ah've said. Which probably goes some way to explain why ah don't talk much anymore, and tend to get lost for words

I'm still tryin to "get" your family, just via your words. So now where i'm at is this:
- they are all "drama queens" (they need & thrive on "drama")
- they've watched too much of the wrong type of tv soap drama's (lol)
- they gain pleasure from other's pain
- they are generally very dysfunctional thinkers
- they are totally self-centered
- they love whatever that "serves" their dsyfunctional needs (eg drama)
- they love drama, including getting angry/annoyed/etc at others

I hope this is not over-the-top, but honestly that is exactly how they are seeming to be, according to what you write :thinking: :question:

 

[kilojoule]

^ Graeme's description of his family actually reminds me of quite a few people I know. Getting upset with other people is actually a favourite sport! I wonder if its an Irish/Scottish thing.. There are a good few people I know who just aren't happy unless they're completely miserable about something and have someone to blame, they are never happier than when everything's terrible terrible terrible. So one example: every year, this woman I know plays down her birthday, says she doesn't want any fuss, no fuss, don't want anything and then when her kids don't make a fuss......oh my god its the end of the world! I swear she enjoys being bitter about it. For the whole following year she's on repeat complaining ' and you- my family didn't even make an effort!' last year they made a big fuss and she was so pissed. They had taken away her right to be indignant so instead she complained 'I said I didn't want any fuss!' and complained about that ever since. You can't win! People enjoy misery! they do not want to hear about real problems. God, if you try to talk to them they'll just tell you that they have problems! They have worse problems! Did you not know that your problems are not as bad? Don't you know that they haverealproblems! Why should you get to talk about your problems to them? They dont want anybody to deal with any real problems -them or anyone else. They want everythin to be neatly swept under a dysfunctional carpet and for everybody to focus on petty shit that doesn't matter instead. Lets not talk about depression or any real problems for that matter. Instead lets be bitter about someone not bringing the bin out when it was their turn about a million years ago and also lets be indignant about whatevers going on in eastenders. And whatever you do-don't change a thing, they thrive in the glorious dysfunction.

mg:


I realllly hope that you'll be able to get a moment alone to talk to the occupational therapist without your family interfering Graeme.

 

[Graeme1988]

^ Graeme's description of his family actually reminds me of quite a few people I know. Getting upset with other people is actually a favourite sport! I wonder if its an Irish/Scottish thing..

Don't know if gettin' upset with folk is a Scottish/Irish thing? Since ah've only known the wimmin ah know to be like this, from ma experience. Whereas ah tend to get more upset with masel', in aw honestly...

And speaking fur masel', ah only tend to get upset with somebuddy if they treat me like I'm dumb. Or if you think makin' very snide remarks aboot whatever I'm doing - be it reading a book, watchin' a movie, listening to music or playin' ma guitar - seconds after ah've invited you intae ma bedroom is appropriate. Sorry, but piss off!

Just because ah huv quite a sarcastic sense o' humour, doesnae mean ah go straight for the cruelest or more patronisin' things ah could possible say. And just hope that the person I'm sayin' them to take them in good humour. Ah huv a bit mair tact aboot it, personally. Plus, I'm not dumb enough to think an insult make for a great conversation starter. The only exception to that for me is if ye know me really well and ye open with this...

"Hiya. Awrite, fannybawz? How it gaun, whit ye be up tae?"​

^ Ah'll let that kinda stuff slide. Oh Gawd! That makes me seem like a right hypocritical knob, doesn't it? mg:

There are a good few people I know who just aren't happy unless they're completely miserable about something and have someone to blame, they are never happier than when everything's terrible terrible terrible. So one example: every year, this woman I know plays down her birthday, says she doesn't want any fuss, no fuss, don't want anything and then when her kids don't make a fuss......oh my god its the end of the world! I swear she enjoys being bitter about it. For the whole following year she's on repeat complaining ' and you- my family didn't even make an effort!' last year they made a big fuss and she was so pissed. They had taken away her right to be indignant so instead she complained 'I said I didn't want any fuss!' and complained about that ever since. You can't win! People enjoy misery! they do not want to hear about real problems. God, if you try to talk to them they'll just tell you that they have problems! They have worse problems! Did you not know that your problems are not as bad? Don't you know that they haverealproblems! Why should you get to talk about your problems to them? They dont want anybody to deal with any real problems -them or anyone else. They want everythin to be neatly swept under a dysfunctional carpet and for everybody to focus on petty shit that doesn't matter instead. Lets not talk about depression or any real problems for that matter. Instead lets be bitter about someone not bringing the bin out when it was their turn about a million years ago and also lets be indignant about whatevers going on in eastenders. And whatever you do-don't change a thing, they thrive in the glorious dysfunction.

mg:

^ F**k! Take oot that Eastenders reference, and that's a very accurate description of ma mum. She's always downplaying ma anxiety and depression, cuz she's got it so hard. It must get some tiresome lyin' on a three-seater couch watchin' telly and sleepin' most of the day, eh? And me and ma sisters treat her like shit, apparently. Yet, she get indignant at me for daring to ask her, nicely, to do summit for me... Or if ah correct her for not saying a word properly, then I'm talking down to her. Ah cannae win! :kickingmyself:

I realllly hope that you'll be able to get a moment alone to talk to the occupational therapist without your family interfering Graeme.

So do I. But ah think it's gonnae prove difficult. Cuz ah just know if ah ask ma mum to leave us alone to talk for ma moment, she'll no throw a tantrum like she usually does. But the moment she shut that livin' room door behind her, she'll be on the other side listening intently. After the occupational therapist leaves, she'll go mental and start yellin' at me.

Considering the only time ah've been left to talk chat with a medical professional alone withoot family interferring, wus when ah called a doctor oot for a house visit to confirm whether ah hud a chest infection, recently. Though, she did compliment me wishing everybuddy she came out on home visits for wus a co-operative as me. Don't know whit that says aboot me as a person or ma character? Since ma mum constantly says I'm difficult.

 

[Graeme1988]

Plus, it's no like ah've got much, if anythin', to live for. Ah cun barely function. Livin' with crippling anxiety and am forever wary of people and their intentions or motives. No fearful, in fact. I'm a failure, which kinda sums most of may life til now. Aye, there's the odd small achievement, which ah cun take some pride in, but those are very few in grand scheme of things.

Aye can sadly relate with you there. Is pretty much a good summary of my life :sad:

Don't if ah should apologies fur you being able to relate tae such an extent ? Cuz it's really buckin' sad knowin' it's not just me who feels this way. ::

 

[kilojoule]

Don't know if gettin' upset with folk is a Scottish/Irish thing? Since ah've only known the wimmin ah know to be like this, from ma experience.

Women and my dad hes never happier than when he has someone to complain about and when he has someone to complain to about someone else. Its his favourite past time. mg:

 

[kilojoule]

If I did something to reeeeaaally annoy my dad ....like not put the milk in back in the fridge or something....that'd absolutely make his day! To be kind I might bang the front door a bit when I'm leaving, thatd really irritate him, he'd be delighted then he'd have something to give out about for ages.

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm still tryin to "get" your family, just via your words. So now where i'm at is this:
- they are all "drama queens" (they need & thrive on "drama")
- they've watched too much of the wrong type of tv soap drama's (lol)
- they gain pleasure from other's pain
- they are generally very dysfunctional thinkers
- they are totally self-centered
- they love whatever that "serves" their dsyfunctional needs (eg drama)
- they love drama, including getting angry/annoyed/etc at others

I hope this is not over-the-top, but honestly that is exactly how they are seeming to be, according to what you write :thinking: :question:

F**kin' spot on, pal. 100% depressingly accurate. :sad: Not over-the-top in the least, in fact, me givin' examples to backup points would probably be over-the-top?

 

[Graeme1988]

Women and my dad hes never happier than when he has someone to complain about and when he has someone to complain to about someone else. Its his favourite past time. mg:

Complaining and being pessimistic seems tae be ma mum's favourite past time. At least that the impression she gives me when ah ask her how she's feelin'.

If I did something to reeeeaaally annoy my dad ....like not put the milk in back in the fridge or something....that'd absolutely make his day! To be kind I might bang the front door a bit when I'm leaving, thatd really irritate him, he'd be delighted then he'd have something to give out about for ages.

My mum gets really annoyed if she asks me to do something and I'm on ma laptop and ah go: "Aye, just a minute!" and keep her waitin'. Or if ah correct her when she mispronounces a word. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ugh! I can't be arsed. Got tickets for 2 concerts this week. Dixie Chicks tonight, and Bryan Adams on Thursday. Totally forgot about them until this morning. Ah'll probably go, since they'll get me oot the hoose. :bigsmile: Just kinda sucks that they completely slip ma mind. Just shows how much ma mind isnae focus upon things ah enjoy, lately.

It's also been quite difficult, if no frustratin', tae keep masel' motivated in ma rehabilitation. Despite their claim to the opposite, ma family huv'nae been that support or helpful. Ah'd huv thought ma mum would've been more helpful than she has been, but whit can ye do? :idontknow: She doesnae seem the least bit interested in helping me get better.

And ah certainly huv'nae appreciated being pressured to push masel' when ah didnae feel ready, then telt by ma oldest sister that I'm just being lazy an underestimatin' masel'. Really? If that's her idea o' boostin' ma confidence, then it's buckin' shite! So, being telt by ma consultant and the lassie who made ma leg braces not to rush, take yer time - baby steps. That wus just shitty advice, eh? mg:

Still, at least summit good hus came oot o' finally huvin the orthopedic surgery ah held off on, the calluses on the side of ma left foot, and ball of ma right aren't as thick or painful when walking now.

 

[Graeme1988]

It's quite heartbreakin' tae realise that neither o' yer parents really loved ye or wanted ya. Lookin' back it's hard no tae see that, when ma dad only started to take an interest in ma life when ah wus 15. And ma mum seems tae being mair open and lovin' towards ma niece and sisters than she is me... Or she gets on better with them, at least.

Not that I'm bitter or jelous aboot that, it's just a sad reflection of oor turbulent relationship. Even if ah did make an effort tae try 'n' change that fur the better after ma dad died. Never understood why ah got burden with aw ma mum's issues, still don't.

Her outright hatred towards men is still bafflin', but ah get a laugh at the irony - being her only son. That, and ma family being confused by how somebuddy as good lookin', and smart as me is still single. Ah never answer that question when they ask me, ah just shrug ma shoulders. :idontknow: Cuz ah know if ah telt 'em my reasons, ma answer will just come off as bitter and misogynistic.

Sorry, just rambling on a realisation that came to me while ah wus gettin' dressed this mornin'.

 

[Graeme1988]

I feel like I am so different than 99% of the humans on this planet.
I love to be alone. When I am by myself away from others I am so happy to be alive. The further away from humans the better I feel. The lighter my spirit the happier my soul. I used to think it was because I wasn't around "the right people" I know now that the is no such thing. It is my sensitivity and my ability to be empathic that completely hinders my desire to be around people. Anything and everything they do effects me so much on so many levels. I don't ask to be this way. It is just the way I am. My physical and emotion make-up make any human interaction a thousand times more intense than the average person. Doesn't matter who it is, if they are near me, I will be greatly effected by them, and their energy. If they are sad or depressed or angry, those negative emotions cripple me. The tone in someone's voice can send me reeling. A slight micro expression I can read easily and be effected by. I read people really well. I have to be away from people to feel alive. That is the opposite of most anyone I have ever met. That is why I avoid cities and crowded places. They are full of human energy that oppresses me. I wish I could make myself dull. I wish I didn't care about anyone. I am crippled because of this trait in this world. I wish I knew what to do to "get over this" but it will never happen.

^ I've been advised to connect with people, but when I do it is not long before complications arise and I start to feel fearful and miserable. And then I start to count the seconds until I can be on my own again. Then I relax again and my thoughts become open. I am Ok with cities there is certain level of anonymity, there a lots of people but I don't know any of them. I have a bigger problem with country towns where they are small and insular and everyone knows everyone else's and they gossip.

Awful. I want to move on with my life, get a uni degree, and finally be a normal human being. I don't want to waste my time anymore. I want to finally live. But my memories hold me back. Memories of social torment, awkwardness, rage, sadness...
I hate the country I live in. I'm afraid of encountering old school "friends", just so they realize what a total loser I still am, and laugh.
The only way to fix my situation is to move to a new country and start fresh. Meet new, interesting and friendly people.
/rant

^ These fellow users here pretty much sum up how ah've been feelin' lately. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Do ah huv a life? :question: :thinking: Nut! No, ah don't really....

Ah feel like am just existin', rather than livin'. Definitely dinnae huv much control over the decisions ah make in ma life as other folk ma age. But that's whit happens when yer bat-shit crazy family refuse tae see ye as an adult man. Which is buckin' frustratin' as hell. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, ah better write aboot summit happy fur change, eh?

Ah went and saw the Dixie Chicks live on their comeback tour last in Glasgow, with ma mum and sister attending with me. Ma mum wus a fan, long before ah started to appreciate their music. Not being a big fan of country music, like. Not that ah hate it, though.

One of the best music gigs I've been to in Glasgow for while - and ah've been to a fair few in the last 13 years. Ah also went to that show last night really feelin' a bit knackered and wonderin' if ah made the right choice goin'. Which wus probably for the better, since ah walked away fae that gig with more appreciate of the Dixie Chicks as a musicians, and actually hud a great time.

Going to see Bryan Adams on Thursday night, though ah huv some doubt as to whether his show'll be as good as the Dixie Chicks were, as far as the overall experience goes. Should be good, nonetheless.

 

[Graeme1988]

WOW!! That wus some concert last night. Bryan Adams wus on top form, as wus the rest of his band. Particular Keith Scott - he wus shreddin' like a muthafuka oan his guitar. And Bryan's on-stage and audience banter inbetween songs wus very funny. :bigsmile:

Ma second time seeing Bryan live, and he wus better than first I saw him 5 years ago, back in 2011.

One of the physiotherapists from ma rehab team wus there as last night, but ah didnae see her. Though, ah'll be seeing her on Thursday, so ah'll asked her about it, then.

Ah feel absolutely knackered but glad ah went. F**k knows whit ah did on Wednesday? :idontknow: Because ah feel like both that Bryan Adams gig and Dixie Chicks concert were on back-to-back nights.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah don't know if ah should somewhat rant aboot how ma family huv been treatin' me lately. :thumbdown: Especially efter ma last couple o' posts here which were quite happy - ie, the concerts ah'd been to recently. :question: